All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun - S02E03 - Hotel Dick (1080p x265 EDGE2020)_track3_[eng]

Oh, my god!
( panting )

Aliens are not
Like that.

Oh, the senseless
Violence.

- the mindless gore.
- the incredible
Sound system.

There must have been
30 speakers in that place.
That movie kicked butt.

- ( groans )
- how can you say that?

They portrayed aliens
As vicious monsters.

They blew up
The department
Of transportation.

Do you mind?
We haven't seen
The movie yet.

What do I care?
I don't even
Know you.

Don't you think
It was cool

When that thing's tongue
Split open and strangled
Those eight army guys?

- okay, that
Was cool...
- yeah.

But only that,
And only because
It made me scream

Like a little girl.

They have to make
The aliens scary.
That's entertainment.

Sucking the brains out
Of all those zoo animals
Is not entertainment.

Man #1:
Hey, up there,
Shut up!

- ( all agreeing )
- man #2: hey, quiet.

It's how these people
Think of us.

They didn't care whether
The aliens were good or bad.
They wanted them dead.

What am I going to do?
Mary-- she's already
Seen this movie.

So? She doesn't know
You're an alien.
Does she?

- oh, please.
- does she?

I said, "Oh, please."
Isn't that enough?

- both: does she?
- no!

Attention,
Ticket holders!

Listen up.
At the end
Of the movie,

- when the president
Turns out to be an alien--
- ( man groans )

Yeah--

And he barbecues
All the congressmen,

Don't believe it
Because aliens
Hate barbecue.

- if you don't shut up,
I'm going to kill you.
- all righty.

- and that goes
For all of you.
- did you hear that guy?

- he hasn't seen the movie, and
He already wants to kill us.
- we are in trouble.

We've got to lay low
Until this mania
Passes over.

- maybe build a bunker.
- no! We can't hide.

I say we come out
Of the bunker
And into the street.

I say we hold
An alien pride parade.

We'll all
Get together,

And we'll prove
That we're all--

Humans.

( '50s rock music playing )

Hello.
"Rutherford bugle"?

I'd like to speak
To your film critic,
Please.

Oh. Well, then,
Will you tell him

That I just saw
"Dawn of the aliens,"
And it was not wham-bam?

It was not a slam dunk.
I was never on the edge
Of my seat.

And the special
Effects did not make
My eyes pop out.

- there's no cream in here!
- well, you don't have to
Bite my head off.

Nina, we don't
Do that.

- hello, dick.
- oh, mary.

You notice how
I'm being gentle

And not squeezing your body
Until your spleen shoots
Out of your mouth?

Yes, I noticed that.

Thank you.
Oh! Speaking
Of spleens,

Did you see
"Dawn of the aliens"?

- wasn't that movie great?
- it was two hours
And four minutes

Of horrible,
Horrible lies.

- I liked it.
- me, too. I was on
The edge of my seat.

They portray aliens

As hideous,
Evil mutants.

Why can't they be sweet
And well-mannered?

I don't pay seven bucks
To see an alien play
With a puppy.

At that price
He better eat it.

Tommy?
Tommy,

They're having
A sci-fi convention
In cleveland.

"Meet all the aliens
From your favorite
Tv shows and movies.

And 'star trek's'
Mr. Sulu, george takei,

Will be signing copies
Of his new book,

'warp speed, damn it:
The complete rants
Of william shatner.'"

This would be
A perfect place to help
People understand

How wrong
Their impressions
Of us aliens are.

Or we could just
Blow the whole
Damn place up.

- ( vacuum humming )
- would you guys lift
Your feet, please?

Lift your feet.
Lift feet!

What's your problem?

Sally, turn off
Your sucking device.

( vacuum stops )

What is it?

I need your support.
I have made the most
Difficult decision

I've had to make since
Coming to this planet.

You're giving up
Tighty whities

And switching
To boxers?

No!

It's not about
Underwear, harry,

- although I
Have switched.
- no!

I've decided
To tell mary

That I am what
Humans would call,

In their
Galactocentric way,

- an alien.
- harry: no!

Are you crazy?
Why are you
Doing this?

You've never
Blown your cover
On any other mission.

I've never felt
The need to.

- I keep having
These feelings.
- ai-yi-yi.

It's this fleshy
Human slipcover.

Oh, sure, it's
Dashing, tall,

Manly,

Washable,

But somehow it just
Makes me feel so awful

About deceiving
The woman I love.

All right, look.
Let's just think
This thing through, okay?

I'll be her.
Here I am.

I'm mary, sitting
At my desk.

Now, you come in
And tell me.

Hello, mary.

Dick.

You look
Handsome today.

And you look
More beautiful
Than ever.

- ( sally screams )
- whoa!

All right,
All right, okay.
Let's just start over.

( sniffs )

- hello, mary.
- dick!

I can't kiss you
Today because
I've got the flu.

As do I.

Mary, I am
An alien.

She's dead!

You killed her,
You alien bastard!

Why?

- why?!
- this is nonsense!
I'm going to tell her.

- you're going
To get us all killed.
- I'm only telling one person.

Sir, as security officer,
I forbid it.

And, as high commander,
I have to say tough
Toenails, lieutenant.

Fine.
Let it be
On your head.

Which is going to be sitting
Next to ours on a tray
Somewhere in new mexico.

I am telling you,
Humans cannot handle
This kind of information.

Mary can.

I just have to find
The right setting,
The right atmosphere

Where the elegant beauty
Of our magnificent
Surroundings

Help her to embrace
The truth and me.

They're having
A sci-fi convention
In cleveland.

Perfect!
Pack your bags, kids.

- we're going
On a road trip.
- sweet.

( overlapping dialogue )

- ooh!
- oh!

Ahh!
( gasps )

Look at this place.

( gasps )
Our first hotel room.

Wow!
Why do I suddenly
Have the urge

To trash it?

Hey, you guys,
Look at this tiny bottle

I found
In the bathroom.

Evidence of
A superior race

Of tiny people.

How can you tell
They're superior?

Because it's a shampoo
And conditioner in one.

Ah.

( gasps )
A tiny fridge

Filled with tiny
Bottles of alcohol

- and tiny bags
Of macadamia nuts!
- wow!

These people might
Be tiny, but they
Know how to party.

How do they get up
On the bed,

Especially when
They're all drunk
And fat on nuts?

Just tell me when.

- when.
- when I've poured enough

To slake your thirst
For champagne.

- when.
- whenever your
Heart desires.

- when, stop, now.
- now?

Yeah, yes,
Now, now!

Half a bottle
For one glass.

You are a wild woman,

But then
I accept that.

I may be wild,
But I'm not
Going to bite.

And neither will I,
And that's the whole point.

There will be no biting,
No bloodletting,

No cranial explosions.

What's with you?

All right, mary,
You've sniffed me out.

I brought you here
Under the guise
Of a romantic holiday

To tell you something
About myself.

This is very difficult.

I-- I don't want
You to judge me.

I never judge you.

Sometimes I do.
Often.

Always.
I'll try not to
This time.

Mary, before
I met you,

I was completely
Different.

I was far, far away
From here.

And ever since
I left that place,

I've been fighting
So hard to fit in.

And if ever
Anyone found out,
I'd have to go back

Because I could never live
In this world any longer.

Oh, dick,

Were you
In a... Clinic?

- clinic?
- it's okay.

So was I.

Oh!

- ( alarm blares, stops )
- wake up, everybody!

We're going to
The sci-fi convention.

( imitates laser gun blast,
Heart beating )

What's so important about
This sci-fi convention?

Don't you see?
It's a perfect
Opportunity

To take a stand,

To protest how
The rest of the world
Is treating our kind.

You want to be
Some kind of alien
Martin luther king?

Exactly,

Because I, too,
Have a dream,

And in that dream
I'm naked

On a ferris wheel.

I'll meet you guys
In the lobby.

I'm going to go
Make sure dick hasn't
Blown our cover.

Sally, there's a note
For you on the door.

"Please make up room."

All right,
I'll do it when
We get back.

We're going
To the sci-fi
Convention!

I've never told
Anyone this before,

But when I was
A little girl--
Nine, 10...

17--

- I was fat.
- how fat?

Fat enough
That everybody
Made fun of me.

Fat as a cow?
Is that how fat?

- that's not important.
- right, sorry. You go on.

Anyway, instead of
Reaching out for help,

I turned inward
And became bitter

And disillusioned
With the world
Around me.

- 300 pounds? 400--
- dick!

Sorry.

My parents just
Made it worse.

They had this notion
That I was going to be

An olympic
Figure skater.

They forced me
Into a leotard.

I looked like a sausage
In purple velour casing.

And when I skated,
They called me
The zamboni.

Then one day I--
I cracked.

- the ice?
- mentally!

- I cracked mentally.
- mentally, mentally.

My parents sent me
To a special place--

Camp knock-a-lot-
Of-weight-off.

Mary, that is
Just terrible.

- I'm so sorry.
- no, no, it's
Fine, really.

Thanks for letting me
Confide in you.

Now, why were you
In a clinic?

Oh, uh, well,
Funny story.

I was, uh...
How can I put this?

- not.
- what?!

- here goes. I am--
- ( knocking )

Just hold
That thought.
Sally!

I need to talk
To dick in private.

Don't you have some girly
Thing you need to do
In the bathroom?

- no.
- then just go
Sit in there.

- excuse me?
- you're excused.

What, uh--
Well!

- ( whispers )
- shh!

- ( door closes )
- I was this close
To pouring my heart out.

- then I arrived in time.
- she just told me one
Of her deepest secrets.

- she used to be fat.
- fat as a cow?

- that's not the point.
- the point is, she
Can't keep a secret.

Tell her, the next thing
You know, the air force has
Sealed off the neighborhood.

That's a risk
I'm willing to take.

How about this one?
You tell her you're
An alien,

And she freaks out,
Runs away,

And you never see
Her again, ever.

Oh...

In my scenario,
She comes running
Into my arms.

Well,

That's just a risk
You're going to
Have to take...

Alien.

- it is fascinating,
Though, isn't it?
- what?

How these people
Fulfill their lives
Through fantasy.

It's like those guys
That spend all
Of their time

Reading those
Fake letters
In "Penthouse."

They're fake?

Can you imagine what
These people would do

If they met
An actual alien?

They would
Completely freak out.

I don't know.
In a way, aren't
We all aliens?

I mean, we emerge
From weightless
Environments,

Seeing everything
For the first time

With curious
New eyes,

Every emotion brand-new,
Always discovering,

Always learning.

Yeah, you keep
Overthinking life.

I'm going to
Get a couple
Of space churros.

See?
Somebody broke
Into the room.

Look at this place.

- looks clean to me.
- exactly.

They cleaned everything,
Made the beds,
Rewrapped the soap,

Sanitized the toilet
For my protection.

Look, look,
Look, look!

The maid was here.

The maid?
There's a maid?

Housekeeping.

Here.
It's a whole book
Of services

The hotel has
To offer.

Dry cleaning,
Wake-up calls,

In-room dining?

Yes, ma'am,
Room service.

Room service?

Room...

Service.

- do you know
What this means?
- no, ma'am.

We're in heaven.

You, my good man, are

The assistant manager
Of heaven.

- thank you, ma'am.
- bye-bye.

Hi. Yes.

This is sally solomon
In room 605.

Can I get
A turkey sandwich?

I can?

Can I get 10?

- ( applause )
- live long and prosper.

Hailing frequencies
Open, everybody.
I'm george takei.

Seeing all of you
Here makes me feel
Like a kid again,

Almost as if,
As mr. Sulu once said,

My chronometer's
Running backwards.

Ha!

You people are
Living a lie.

Look at yourselves,

Embracing negative
Alien stereotypes.

Did you ever stop
To think that maybe
Aliens are friendly,

Kind, attractive
People?

Uh, security?

Hath not
An alien eyes

Or buttocks?

If you prick an alien,
Does it not say

"Ow, ow, ow"?

We should not embrace

Science fiction.

Screw sci-fi.

Instead, we
Should embrace

Science fact--

Sci-fa.

Harry, let's go now.

Long live sci-fa.

You there,
Forget the windows
And scrub that sink

Until I see
My face in it.
Thanks.

- ( knocking )
- oh, coming!

- good afternoon, ma'am.
- good afternoon.

- I'm here to pick up
Your dry cleaning.
- that pile on the luggage.

Hell, do
The luggage, too.

Sally, I just
Feel terrible.

Well, you're doing
The right thing by not
Telling her, honey.

Darling, when you're done
With the bathroom,

Dust the credenza
And fertilize
The potted plants.

I'm want 'em blooming
And making me happy.

I came here
With the sole purpose
Of coming clean,

- and now I feel so dirty.
- just take a bubble bath.

You know, the tub's
Got beautifully
Positioned jets,

And the shower
Turns into a sauna.

"Dirty" was
A metaphor.

I'm sure
It was, honey.
Hi. Yes.

Could we get
Some eucalyptus oil
Up here

And a couple
Of big, fat loofahs?
Thanks.

- sally?
- hello, boys.

- what's all this stuff?
- room... Service.

Both:
Room service.

If I want a towel,
They send it up.

If I want a radish,
They send it up.

They set up a laptop,
A fax, a vcr.
And why?

Because until checkout
Time tomorrow,

I'm their queen.

- I'm glad you're
Having a good time.
- I am.

I'll be down in my room.
Are these chocolate
Truffles?

Hey! Get your own
French sampler.

How can you look
At yourself?

Deceiving the person
You love for the sake
Of a mission.

Look at you.

You're gorgeous!

- mary: did you say something?
- oh, no, nothing.

Tell her, tell her.
But how?

Stand back,
Earth man,

And prepare to be
Demolecularized

In ways you've
Never imagined.

- mary?
- I'm not mary.

I am uma
From the planet
Thurman.

Remove your
Earth pants.

Any resistance will
Be futile, human.

Human.

But I'm not human.

I've been
Deceiving you.

I'm an alien
From a planet

In the bard spiral galaxy
On the cepheus draco border.

I was sent here
By our leader,

The big giant head,
To explore this planet.

Dick solomon is
Just a facade,

Hiding a quivering
Purple tube.

I am the high
Commander,

And this...
Is my salute.

Oh, really?

I have seen
Your planet.

It is a savage place
And must be conquered.

Oh, mary.

- ow!
- ow! Oh.

Ow!

Oh!

This is harry solomon.
I'd like to get
Another massage

'cause I'm starting
To feel a little
Tense again.

Hey, look
What I found.

Oh, what is it?

It looks like a list
Of everything we got
While we were here.

Lobster, lobster,
Lobster, lobster.

Hey, what's that number
There at the bottom?

It's probably
The population of
Cleveland or something.

That's your bill.

- oh, my god.
- no way.

What are we
Going to do?

Harry, get me
The laptop,
The modem,

The magnetic strip
Key that got us
Into this room,

And a shower cap.

Good morning,
Mr. Takei.

Good morning.
I'm checking out.

Of course.
Here's your bill, sir.

$3,000?

Well, that's all right.
I can afford it.

I'm a famous actor.

I'm sorry.
That's $30,000,
Mr. Takei.

Oh, my.

14 bottles of champagne,
Shrimp cocktails,

Hummus on pita tips?

Look, I had a toblerone
And two ginger ales.

That's it.

Seven massages?
How could I get
Seven massages?

Do I look relaxed?
Do I?

What's this?

All right,
So I took one towel.

One towel.

I'm george takei,
Damn it!