All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun - S01E15 - I Enjoy Being A Dick (1080p x265 EDGE2020)_track3_[eng]

Sally, where's
My breakfast?

I haven't had anything
To eat since that bottle
Of ketchup you fixed me,

Not that it
Wasn't delicious.

Yeah, yeah,
Keep your pants on.

Now, I just can't
Get ready as fast
As you guys.

Every morning I have
To wash, dry, pluck,

Powder, dab, cleanse,
Deep cleanse,

Exfoliate, pop,

Curl, blow, and buff.

Well, that's
Far too complicated.

I usually just
Rinse, spit,

Unzip the parka,
And voilà.

Sally, where's
My breakfast?

I'm working on it.

Harry, what are you doing
On the floor?

I have no idea.

But what is noble
In a universe where
Entropy grips us

In a fatal dance
Of nihilistic despair?

- why is he talking like this?
- I don't know.
All I did was this.

Give me this.
If he's broken, it's going
Right into the report.

I wrote me a little
Song yesterday, and it
Goes something like this:

♪ hi-dee hi
Hi-dee ho, hi-dee
Hi-dee, hi-dee, ho ♪

- what's with harry?
- I don't know.

He seems to be
Having a reaction to
A crushing skull blow.

- what, with this?
- yeah.

Be careful.
We could actually
Hurt harry.

( southern accent )
Now, liberals want
You to believe

That more government
Is gonna solve
Your problems--

- hey.
- I'm sorry.

I couldn't live
With that.

( '50s rock music playing )

- hurry, hurry!
- I'm coming, I'm coming.

- stop it, already.
- what took you so long?

Her pants are tight.
She can't go too fast.

- what is the big emergency?
- look, it's just awful.

- I don't see anything.
- it's the dishes.

They're dirty,
And we need a plate.

Don't you boys know
How to wash a dish?

- of course not,
That's sally's job.
- that and killing spiders.

- please.
- dick: we wouldn't ask you,

Except sally's
Mysteriously absent,

And without a clean plate
We could starve!

Dick! Dick,
Come in here!

Here she is.

You guys are not going
To believe all the cute
Stuff I got today.

Everything came together
Like a well-oiled pistol.

I've got
The last pair

Of size eight ferragamo
Slingbacks on layaway.

- I need 300 bucks.
- why?

Because without the shoes,
The belt is a joke.

Lieutenant, we seem
To be having a breakdown
In communication

Because I have no idea
What you're talking about.

- of course you don't.
It's about women.
- ah, the women's issue.

Oh.

Maybe if you would
Explain it to me,
I would understand.

I've been explaining it
To you since we got here.

One thing
I do understand:

This female obsession
Of yours is costing me
A fortune.

All:
Spider!

All right, fine,
High commander.

Take it all back to the store
And get your money back.

I'm going to get a job
And make my own money.

I am sick and tired
Of having to justify
Myself to you

Every time something
Pretty goes on sale.

- come on, harry, you're
Going to get a job, too.
- I am?

Yes, I will not go
Unaccessorized.

- I had that dream
Again last night.
- which one?

The one where
I'm riding a tractor
And smoking a big cigar.

Oh, you're ovulating.

- ( laughing continues )
- what?

- girl talk.
- girl talk?

I'm sorry,
Did that sound sexist?

No, sexist would be
If you told me
I had a tight butt,

Then said if I didn't
Go to bed with you,
I'd be fired.

I really don't think
You'd understand

What we were
Talking about.

I know what this is--
Me man,

Me too thick
To grasp girl talk.

Nina, are you going
To that lecture series
On thursday?

- dr. Natalie blumfeld
Is speaking.
- yes.

It sounds wonderful.
Can I come, too?

It's really not
For you.

It's a place where we
Can open up and share
Our feelings.

I have feelings.

It's a women's
Study group.

I'll take notes.
Please, let me come.

Does everything
Have to involve you?

In a perfect world, yes.

I'll be very quiet.

You won't even know
I'm there.

I think a man's presence
Would be inhibiting.

I said you won't
Even know I'm there!

Don't take this
Personally.

It's not as if we were
Deliberately trying
To exclude you.

- you want to have
Lunch now?
- sure.

I'd love to.

Fine!

I'll have
My lunch alone

Like a man.

( sobs )
My apple is so tiny.

These career tests
Are so stupid.

I mean,
Mine suggests

I set my sights
On optometry
Or horse training.

- what does yours say?
- astronaut.

( laughs )
Yeah, right, you flying
Around in space.

( laughs weakly )
Me? No.

Like I know anything
About anti-matter
Containment vessels.

Tommy, you know
What we should do?

Backpack around ireland
For a few months.

- yeah, yeah. When?
- after we graduate.

Oh.

Or, better yet,
We could move
To new york

And rent a loft
In the village with
A view of the river.

It'll probably
Cost about...

300 bucks a month,

But, you know,
That's okay.

We'll find jobs
In bookstores.

- uh-huh.
- tommy, give me
Some feedback.

It sounds great.

Then why are you being
So noncommittal.

I-I... I don't know.

Is it me?

Oh, no, no, no,
It's not you.
It's graduation.

I'm not sure if I'm
Even going to be here
In five years.

I know what this is.

You don't want to commit
To me because you're not
Sure I'm your soulmate.

When you're done sorting
Out your feelings,
Give me a call.

No, wait, august.
Wait, wait, wait.

I--
( sighs )
I think that...

We've reached a point
In our relationship

Where I can tell you
The truth about me.

- what?
- august...

I care more about you
Than anything, and as long
As I'm on this planet,

I want to be with you.

There, now aren't you
Glad you sorted out
Your feelings?

Oh, yeah.

- oh, boy,
Did we luck out.
- ( razor buzzing )

Not everybody can
Walk in off the street

And get a job
At a pancake house.

Harry, what
Are you doing?

Well, the training
Manual said

No hair below
The shoulders.

Now, I don't think
Anybody's going to
Look there,

But, uh...

You know,
A rule's a rule.

Hey, um...

Listen, I got
A question for you.

We've been on
This planet awhile now,
And I was just wondering,

If we were to tell
Someone we cared about

Where we were
Actually from,

Do you think it would
Be so dangerous?

No, not at all, tommy.

In fact, I've already
Told mrs. Dubcek
And the mailman--

Ooh, and that nice guy
Down at the minimart

Because I want us all
To die like lab rats

At the hands of
Primitive scientists!

Okay.

Sally, I'm right again.

I returned to the store,

I sent back your
Extravagant purchases,

And I met a lovely
Saleswoman named gwen,

And the two of us
Effortlessly put together

A thrifty yet stylish

Ensemble.

- behold.
- big deal. It's just
A little black dress.

Ah, to the untrained eye,

But add a faux
Jacquard scarf

And a pair of pearl
Button earrings, and look.

Ooh!

And this skirt.

It's an economical
Acrylic blend,

But look
How it drapes.

And the vertical stripes
Are so slimming.

All: ah!

- you like?
- nice.

All right,
Now, sally,

Since I've opened your eyes
To a whole new world
Of options,

You can return me
The favor.

Dr. Albright belongs
To a women's study group,

And I must find out
What she's doing there.

God knows you don't want
To respect her boundaries.

Exactly.

Does august ever belong
To a secret women's
Organization?

Sure, the girl scouts.

But she got out
Because she thought

The cookie-selling
Verged on racketeering.

Lieutenant, you have
Your assignment.

I can't help you, dick.
As of today,

I've suited up
And joined

The proud ranks
Of the work force.

Come on, pepe!

Wait a minute.
Lieutenant, please.

I'll show you 50 ways
To tie a scarf.

- tommy, could you--
- no, dick.

I've got to find out
What she's doing.

Hmm,

A study group
For women.

Women only.

( speaks german )

I have to find someone

To infiltrate
This group,

But who?

Who?

Hey, you got
Any real syrup?

Why, yes, we do, sir,

But may I suggest...

A dash of boysenberry

To bring out
The hidden oakiness

In your otherwise
Common vermont maple?

Enjoy it,

Mr. Grabby.

Uh, whoa.

Let me ask you
Something.

- was your service
Quick and courteous?
- yes.

Was your food
Hot and exactly
What you ordered?

- yes.
- move over, sweetie.

Then why is it,
My friend,

When I subtract your check
From the amount on the tray,

I come up with
97 cents for me?

I didn't think you'd
Count it in front of me.

- but you're glad I did,
Now, aren't you?
- yes, ma'am.

Because now you
Understand that a tip

Is short for gratuity,

And gratuity is short
For gratitude.

- I never heard that, ma'am.
- don't interrupt me.

Gratitude for
A job well-done.

Now, 5% is not
Gratitude, mister,

It's an invitation
To an ass-kicking.

- got it?
- got it.

Thank you.
Have a nice day!

So, split ends--
Is that serious?

No, but they're
Driving me crazy.

Um, august,

If I told you a secret,
Do you think you
Could handle it?

You've been keeping
Secrets from me?

This is not
Just any secret.

This is-- this is
A really big secret.

You've been keeping
Big secrets from me?

- well, not just you.
- I've told you
About my impetigo.

I know, I know,
It made me feel
Very close to you.

But, see, my secret's
A lot more serious

Than just
A contagious skin rash.

- you don't trust me.
- no, no, it's not that.

I just don't want to go
Blabbing things out

When I'm afraid there
Might be a fearful,
Ignorant reaction.

- I understand.
- ( sighs )
Good.

( sighs )

Oh, jeez, if I'd
Known you could
Just cut this off,

I would have done
It months ago.

- welcome.
My name is judith.
- thank you, judith.

We have beverages
As well as hummus
And pita, if you'd like.

Why not?
I'm wearing
Control tops.

- oh, pardon me.
- no, it's entirely my--

Oh, my--

Nina, it's me,
Dr. Solomon.

Oh.
( chuckles )

I'm wearing
Women's clothes.

Ah, that's it.

Wait right here.

Dr. Albright.
Dr. Albright.

- nina, can't this wait?
- I don't think so.

Dr. Blumfeld is
In the middle of
A very interesting story.

- yeah? Well,
Mine's better.
- you're hurting my arm.

- okay.
- where were we?

Mary, let's not
Monopolize dr. Blumfeld.
Have a seat.

All right, ladies,
We're ready to begin.
Everybody settle.

I'll just squeeze in
Over here.

Hello.

What are you doing here?
Do you hate me?

Don't be ridiculous.

Do you ever have
This little voice
In your head that says

This might be
A bad idea?

Woman: shh!

I'd like to start

By having everyone
Ask herself

A question:

How am I
Censoring myself?

What am I doing
To inhibit

My relationship
With those around me

By concealing
My true self?

- I have
A thought on that.
- don't you dare.

Yes.

I work in an office,

And I find that I have
To censor my feelings

Just to fit in.

I'm often excluded,

And whenever I do
Summon the courage

To express my desire
To be embraced by the group,

( sobs )
I find myself muzzled

And squelched by them.

We're here to support
Each other.

Please go on.
And you are?

Dicki jo.

- dicki jo?
- don't mock me.

I'm being excluded
And sequestered
Because of my sex.

I can feel the air change
In the room when I walk in,

And I just think
It's so unfair.

( whispers )
Just stop it.
Stop it.

Big girl.
Pretty, but big.

I will not.

Why do women have to
Close themselves off?

They don't.
Let it out.

I wouldn't encourage
Dicki jo.

Mary, let her speak.

Yeah,
You go, girl!

Mary, why do
You withhold,

Pretending there's
Something inside you
That I can't understand?

We're both grown-ups.
What are you afraid of?

- not here, not now.
- dr. Blumfeld is right.

We can't hold ourselves
Back any longer.

Knock, knock.
Who's there? Me!

Go away!

It's too late.
I'm here.

- I knew it all along.
- me, too.

Hey.

I just wanted to say
That I've invested a lot
In this relationship,

And if you think you
Can treat me this way,
You're wrong.

Your hair looks
Really good.

Oh, thanks.

August, I can't stand
This anymore.

I have to tell you
Something.

You're not going to
Believe this at first.

It might even make you sick.
It's about my family.

( angry muttering )

Well, that
Was a wash.

The woman I love won't
Let me be a woman.

( sighs )

I need some herbal tea
And a fat-free cookie.

Listen, august,
What I needed to
Tell you was that--

Don't speak, tommy.

Don't speak.

So, harry, how much
Did we make?

- I'll get our tip jar.
- whew! You know,

I have never been
So fulfilled.

For the first time
As a human,

I feel a sense
Of accomplishment
And worth.

Wow!

$27.15.

Come on.
You must have missed
A couple of hundreds.

Let me see this.

I worked eight
Stinkin' hours

For a lousy pile
Of pennies?

I could've found this
In a couch.

- remember, we're
Splitting it.
- shut up!

$27.15?

Ooh!
And a mento.

Not a mento.

( slurping )

These just
Came for you.

If you think flowers
Can repair the damage,

You are so wrong.

They're not from him.
They're from judith.

- you want me to read the card?
- no.

- please?
- no!

Well, another place

I will never be able
To go to again.

Why not? They were
Very supportive.

Did you learn nothing
About women? I did.

You are the biggest fool
I have ever known.

Really,
Is that what you think?

To say that you
Behaved childishly

Is an insult
To children everywhere.

That's it, open up.
Talk to me.

I... Am
A merry-go-round person.

You are
A tilt-a-whirl person.

This is good.
Tell me your feelings.

Before you came
Into this office,

I had a very sane

And ordered life.

I could go for weeks
Without explaining myself,

And now the sky's
The limit!

You drive me crazy!

- I do all this to you?
- yes!

Well, I must be
A pretty exciting guy.

- ( screams )
- now, that's good.

Now we're communicating.
Now I know what
You're thinking.

What am I thinking?

You like me.

You really like me.

Sally, is there anything
You'd like to tell me
As a woman?

I think I'm enlightened
Enough now to hear it.

Ah, well,

Men are always
Bossing you around.

No one ever says
"Thank you."

And you're expected
To clean up after everyone.

Are you talking about being
A woman or a waitress?

Waitress, woman--
Same thing.

I just never realized
How many people here

Are in the service
Of others.

Well, everybody here
Sells his time for money.

It's like taking a mortgage
Against your life.

Yeah, well,
My life is worth more
Than minimum wage

And the occasional
Slice of free pie.

I've just got to
Figure out what it is
I really want to do.

I think you should.
Everybody needs a goal.

Yeah, I want to let
My hair grow back.

I want to
Make the world
A better place.

I want to
Bring mankind

The gift
Of electricity.

- they have electricity.
- ah.

Then my work
Is done.

( '50s rock music playing )