All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun - S01E10 - Truth or Dick (1080p x265 EDGE2020)_track3_[eng]

( song on radio )
♪ get up, get on up ♪

♪ stay on the scene
get on up ♪

♪ like a sex machine
get on up ♪

♪ get up, get on up
stay on the scene ♪

♪ get on up
like a sex machine ♪

( radio clicks off )

Do you notice
How this james brown is
Always getting somewhere?

He's getting up,
Getting down, getting back.

We should contact him--
I mean, as part of our mission
To study life on this planet.

Yes, but according to this,
He's more of a machine,

A sex machine.

Oh, look!
It's the campus police.

- is there
Some kind of problem?
- ooh, actually, yes.

There's a star missing
Right there.

And we think
We know who did it.

- this is your family?
- why, yes.

That's exactly
What we were going for.

Sally's the woman.
I'm the tall, dashing man.
Tommy is the adolescent.

And harry is...
The funny-looking one.

I'm gonna have to see
Your driver's license, please.

Why? We're not driving.
We're parked.

Yeah, but you're parked
On university property.

I am university property.

Here's my photo I.D.

It's just my head,
But I assure you

The rest of me is
Anatomically correct.

Well, dr. Solomon,
It's 2:00 a.M.

- so, let's pack this up
And move it out.
- right away.

Dick, what's
A driver's license?

It must be some kind
Of human validation.

- we should get one if
We're going to blend in.
- I'm on it.

( man singing opera
on radio )

Listen.
It's that guy again.

- ( opera continues )
- god, it's amazing.

How does he
Sing like that?

Dick, remember
How I said I wanted
To learn to sing?

I've changed my mind.

( '50s rock music playing )

( fly buzzing )

( buzzing stops )

Where are you?

( sighs )
Very well, I can wait.

You're not watching me.
I'm not watching you.

You're somewhere
In the room, I can feel it.

- good morning,
Dr. Solomon.
- yah!

( fly buzzes )

- what is it, nina?
- here's the mail.

Oh, it's a letter
For dr. Albright.

She'll hold this
In her delicate hand,

Insert a finger and rip
Through the mucilage.

( sighs )
She's just wonderful.

I knew you had
A thing for her.

Yes, but I understand

I'm not allowed
To show it to her
Without her permission.

( chuckles )
Good morning,
Dr. Albright.

- good morning,
Dr. Albright.
- good morning.

- dr. Solomon, I was
Just thinking of you.
- you were?

Yes. I have a meeting
With the rules committee
On friday night,

And I just can't make it.

It's too late
To try and get out of it now,

Unless you can talk
Some idiot into replac--

Oh.

You look wonderful.

- is that a new jacket?
- I'm entirely new.

Everyone on the rules
Committee wants to meet you.

- really?
- we all think of you
As the resident genius.

Please, I need you
To substitute for me.

You need me?
I never dreamed

That I would be
The man you needed.

I need you desperately.

( clears throat )
Let me know

If it's going
To get any deeper.

I'm wearing
Open-toed shoes.

- I'm not prepared.
- it's a dull, mindless group.

It's "The night
Of the teaching dead."

Maybe I can shake things up
With some fresh ideas.

No one there would
Recognize a fresh idea
If it bit them on the ass.

Just pass these out
For me, please.

All right,
I'll do it.

Thanks.
You've saved me.

Well, I am a manly man.

- well done.
- another five minutes,

And he would have
Given me a kidney.

Next!

I can't believe how much
We have to go through
To get a license.

Yeah. Then why
Are we here?

Because I want one.
If I have to be the woman,

- I'm not about to be
Stuck at home.
- mm-hmm.

"Stay behind orange line."

That's why nobody
Ever gets to the window.

Hey, let's pull up
The slack here.

Oh! There must be

Some sort
Of flesh-melting
Force field

At the orange line.

- next!
- no-ooo!

( laughs )

I'm sorry.

You know, cars must
Have some huge power
We haven't discovered yet.

Look at this--
The lines, the waiting,
The testing.

Can you imagine what you
Must have to go through
To get a gun?

Next!

What is it they don't get?
That woman says "Next."

The first person
Goes to the window.

The second person moves
To the orange line,
Becoming first.

The third person becomes
Second, and the rest of us
Pull up the slack!

( inhales )
There are just too many
Gaps in this line.

We should each
Only be a single
Person-thickness apart.

Good point.
( sniffles )

I think everyone
Should hear it.

You think so?

Okay, people, listen up
And nobody gets hurt!

( all screaming )

Tommy, have you been
Sitting in that same
Chair all day?

Hmm, let me think
About this one.

Yeah.

You're supposed to be
Experiencing human
Adolescent behavior.

Well, as an adolescent,
Everything annoys me,

Especially the sound
Of your voice right now.

- harry: nothing.
- sally: yes, you did.

- I did not.
- don't try to
Blame it on me.

- did you get your license?
- we were thrown out.

- on the bright side,
We did outrun the police.
- what went wrong?

Everything. What do people
Have to do on this planet
To get what they want?

Today dr. Albright
Wanted something from me.
All she did was ask.

- what did she say?
- she said she needed
My help

And I looked wonderful
And I'm a genius.

- she said that?
- about you?

- yes.
- and you bought it?

- well, I am
The high commander.
- wait a minute.

Something about this
Doesn't wash.

She's doing something.
( gasps )

Now I remember,
I read about this.

She's distorting
The truth.

Dr. Albright would
Never lie to me.

Wake up and snort
The coffee.

Just because you
Don't lie doesn't mean
People here don't.

We're colleagues.
I trust her.

I command you
To be more like her.

- like what?
- like a woman.

- fine. I can woman.
- good.

- commander, permission
To speak freely?
- granted.

As the oldest
Member of this crew,
I feel it's my duty

To inform you all that
This planet both wipes

And sucks,
In that order.

What is your problem?

Something's wrong.
My transfer's not holding.

I'm growing hair,
And my armpits smell,

And there's a constant
Circus in my pants.

Aw,

Our old man
Is becoming a boy.

No, I'm serious.
The seal's broken,

And I'm losing oil.
Look at this.

- harry:
Ooh! What is it?
- ( sally gasps )

It's a nipple.

- what am I going
To do about it?
- I don't know,

But until we figure it out,
You should sleep
In the shower.

( fly buzzing )

Man:
gentlemen, we have
a guest member

of the rules committee
with us tonight.

Dr. Solomon, would you
Care to share with us

- some of
Dr. Albright's feelings?
- oh, yes, of course.

Well, first, on behalf
Of dr. Albright,

I would like to say
Welcome to this
Big waste of time.

I'd say I've always
Wanted to put a face

With those men whom
She affectionately calls

"The night of
The teaching dead."

And may I say you
Do not disappoint.

I can tell at a glance
That you indeed are
A mindless and dull group.

So, I would like to start
With a fresh idea

That you won't recognize
When it bites you
On the ass.

Excuse me,
Does dr. Albright know
You're speaking on her behalf?

Don't move!
Stay where you are!

- dr. Solomon--
- freeze! He's still there!

Oh! You have
A mole.

A big, ugly mole.

Well, you're in early.

Dr. Byron told me about
Your little speech.

Sorry I missed it.

Rest assured,
I gave you full credit.

What the hell are
You trying to do?
Ruin me?

( stammers,
Clicks tongue )

It will take me weeks
To repair the damage
Left in your wake.

- ( stammers )
- weeks.

All you had to do was
Show up and feign interest.

Feign? I will not be
A party to feigning.

I always tell
The complete truth.

The truth?
Then I will be
Brutally frank.

Good, I'll be
Genuine dick.

I thought, foolishly,

This would be a good
Opportunity for my colleagues
To get to know you.

No one wanted to meet you.
I made that up.

So you lied?

I was bending
The truth to flatter you.
There's a difference.

I see. So when we met,
You said you were
Pleased to meet me.

- was that a lie
Or truth-bending?
- figure of speech.

- when you said you were
Impressed with my résumé?
- light conversation.

When I moved in,
You said you didn't mind
Sharing your office?

Diplomacy.
Anything else?

- yes, is that really
The color of your hair?
- absolutely!

You're upset,
Aren't you?

- tell the truth.
- yes.

I thought I could
Trust you. I can't.

Trust me?
You're the one who
Lied and tricked me.

No. It's not how you
Lie to trick someone.

First, you start by--
You have something
On your tie.

Ah-ha, very clever.

Yes, I see how that works.
You have something
On your shoulder.

That's not how it works.
This is how it works.

Your shirttail's on fire.
That's how.

Your blouse
Is on fire.

Stop-- get
Your hands off--

- don't move!
- ( fly buzzing )

That was my fly.

I know.

On the subject
Of universal truth,

Albert einstein
Once said--

( speaking german )

Any thoughts on that?

Anyone? Yes, caryn.

Dr. Solomon, I think
You were speaking german.

Yes, german.
Einstein spoke german.

( sighs )
Okay, I'll simplify.

"Scientific proof is nothing
More than conditional truth."

We all understand
What truth is, don't we?

Now, I have three
Of einstein's equations
On the board.

Two of them are false,
And one is true.

Who can spot
The true one?
Anyone?

How many of you think
It's number one?

I'll give you a hint:
It's not number one.

Here's another hint:
It's not number two.

How many of you think
It's number three?

Well, you're wrong.
I lied. I made them all up!

You see, lying
Accomplishes nothing.

You can't trust
Someone who lies.

You work with them.
You think you know them.
They ask you to substitute.

You make a fool
Of yourself.
They get mad.

And your sister can't even
Get a driver's license.

Dr. Solomon, is this
Going to be on the final?

The point I'm making is,

You have to tell
The absolute truth,

Or else you just end up
Confusing people.

But, dr. Solomon,
Sometimes you just
Can't tell the truth.

But why not?
Anyone?

Leon, I'm going to
Ask you a question,

And I want you to tell me
The complete truth.

This won't affect
My grade?

Absolutely not.
What do you think of me?

Uh... You make me
Really nervous.

I don't know what's
Going on half the time,

And when you walk
Around the room,
I'm always afraid

You're going to hit me
In the back of the head.

Thank you.
There, you see...

The truth.

By the way, leon,
You're failing.

- I thought you said it
Wouldn't affect my grade.
- it didn't.

Anybody home?
Anyb-- oh, hi.

I brought you folks
Your extra key.

Yeah, right.
Good excuse.

You just wanted
To come up here
And stare at pimple boy.

You poor kid.
I remember how it
Feels to be your age.

I remember how it feels
To be your age.

I'm going to go out
And get some smokes.
You want to take a ride?

Yeah, whatever.

It's really not fair.
I can grow a pimple
But not a mustache.

What's your secret?

- solomon, sally.
- here.

You failed the written exam.
Come back in three weeks.

I can't come back.
I can't.

- sorry, those are the rules.
- I need a license now.

I'm the woman.

I really need your help.

You must be a genius.

Your line is so big,

But it moves so fast.

Well, I do my best.

There's got to be
Some way you can help me.

I mean, I know
You have a heart

In that big, hairy,
Wonderful chest of yours.

I bet pretty girls
Beg you all the time, huh?

Okay, you can take
The test again.

Thank you.

I could get
Very good at this.

Hey, what did you put
Under "Weight"?

Tommy, are you all right?
Where have you been?

The mall, dick.
I was at the mall.

It may be
The most emotionally
Satisfying place

I've ever been.

Were you able to observe
Other life-forms?

Definitely.
Everybody there

Was as oily
And disgusting as me.

It was a food court
Of mutants,

A catalog of horrors,
A freak show,

And I was
Their lizard king.

Oh. What do you do
When you're there?

- hang.
- what do you see?

Stuff.

I belong now.

Oh, yeah, stay out
Of my room!

( laughing )

Dick? Dick, look,

I got my driver's license.

According to this,
You're a 55-year-old,

300-pound asian woman.

And an organ donor.

Dick, I got
My driver's permit, too.

Yes, I expected you would.

I just want to say
That I not only
Accomplished my goal,

But... I've discovered

A softer place
Within myself,

And it is all because of
You and your extraordinary
Ability to command.

- thank you, lieutenant.
- you have so many facets
To admire,

Time prohibits
My naming them all.

Shall I speak
Of your courage,

How you've led
A ragtag crew of misfits
Across the galaxies,

Fueled by
Your brave spirit?

Or shall I confess
That your boyish good looks

Are stunted only
By your personal bigness?

Oh, where to begin

Simply exhausts
My feminine mind.

- what are you doing?
- lying.

- you like it?
- it's incredible.

- I love it!
- really?

- yes! How did you do it?
- anybody can do it.

Look at me, I've just
Done it once, and here I am,
Whipping it out there.

Wow!

I thought the truth
Was potent,

But it's nothing
Compared to this.

This makes me feel
Powerless and susceptible,

And ready to yield
To your every--
( gasps )

I've got to find
Dr. Albright.

This is wednesday.
She calls it
"Over the hump day."

I don't know what
That means, but I know
Where she humps.

Tommy, we're going out.

- I'll drive.
- no, I'll drive.

- dick...
- dick: harry called it.

- shotgun.
- I don't want to
Ride in the back.

Dr. Albright, hello.

Hello. Sorry we don't
Have a chair for you.

Not a problem.

- you know dr. Byron.
- yes, of course.

You really should
Have that thing removed.
It's all I can look at.

- excuse me.
- I--

Looks like there's
Just the two of us.

I'll have a pitcher
Of that stuff.

- may I see your
Driver's license?
- you bet you can.

Okay, mrs. Wu.

I discovered something
Today, and I really need
To try it out.

Thorazine.
I'll get you some water.

( laughs )

You see, you know
These things.

You're so smart,
And your...

Your looks--
Your looks are like...

A beer tap,

A golden rush
Of drunken beauty
With a nice head

Which spills
All down your blouse,

Leaving you sweet
And pungent.

That was pathetic.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not
As good a liar as you are.

Well, I'm sorry.
I'm leaving.

Wait! You're not
Finished with me yet!

Do you mind?
We're talking.

Okay, you win.

- what is it?
- I've realized something.

I can't lie to you.
I wish I could.

It's just not something
That I'm good at,
Like-- like...

Actually, I'm good
At everything.

- can I tell you the truth?
- why not?

The real truth is,

You're delightful.

I love looking
Into your face.

I don't know what it is
About you this evening,

Maybe it's the way
The light hits your eyes,
Maybe it's the wine,

But you look puffy--
You should go home
And sleep.

There.
Is that better?

Sadly, yes.

May I walk you home?
And be honest.

Okay.

( slow pop instrumental
playing on radio )

( radio clicks off )

You know, if someone
Had told me a year ago

That I'd be
Driving a car

And sucking the flesh
Off a dead bird,

I'd have
Called 'em a liar.

Being human is far more
Complex than I thought.

There is no absolute
Personal truth here,

And these bodies don't come
With an owner's manual.

So every day these people
Have to make up life,

And truth becomes
Highly individual.

Oh, my god, dick,

What if this lying thing
Falls into the hands
Of the politicians?

Ooh, that's
A horrifying thought.

I think these humans
Bend the truth

Because this is
A difficult place to live.

It's a lonely blue dot

On the far end
Of the galaxy.

And all the half-truths
And flattery and diplomacy

Are the lubricant
That people spread
On each other

To get over
The rough spots.

It's a lot easier
On our planet.
No one ever lies.

Except, of course,
When you don't want
To help somebody move.

- I was sick that day.
- I helped you move.

- sally: I had two boxes.
- who packed the boxes?

Sally:
okay, listen,
if we're gonna...

( '50s rock music playing )