All language subtitles for Starsky & Hutch S02e05 Gillian_track3_[eng]

[]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[TYRES SCREECHING]

[EXPLODES]

[]

God!

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hold it a second, huh?

Thanks.

How's it look?
Pretty messy.

According to the ID
found on his body,
his name's Eric Snow.

He was a purser
on that ship over there.

We may have a witness here.

Mr. Harry Percival.
Lord Harry, please, officer,

of Lord Harry's World Famous Tattoo
Parlor Deluxe just down the pier.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

Nope.
Nope. Sorry.

What did you see?
Well, uh...

as I told that officer over there,
very little, if anything, I'm afraid.

You see, I was tattooing
a Liberty Bell on
a young lady's derrire...

her salute to the American
free enterprise, I believe,

when screeching tires frightened
my kitty, Sir Winston.

By the time I got to the door,
I caught the barest glimpse

of a woman driving off
in a green sports car.

Can you describe her?
Mm, young, blond and pretty.

Have I told you about
my special for this week?

Purchase a tattoo
of a black widow spider,

and I throw in, at no additional
cost, a lovely red heart

bearing the inscriptions,
"Born to make whoopee."

How's that?

No. It's too common.

Everybody's got hearts
and spiders.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

STARSKY:
Doesn't seem to be
anybody on board.

HUTCH:
Well, they're probably
all below decks.

Ahoy there!
Anybody on board?

"Ahoy there"?

Oh, Starsky, isn't this great?

What?

Oh, the feel of the sea under
your feet and that fresh
ocean spray in your face.

Hutch, we're tied up next to the dock,
nothing's moving under our feet,

and it's a clear day.

Ahoy there!

You know what one
of your problems is? You got
no romanticism about the sea.

Is that a fact?
That's right.

You know, I've been in love
with the sea and with the ships
ever since I was old enough to read.

I was a Sea Scout
when I was a kid.

Hutch, you were born
in Duluth, Minnesota.

It's 1000 miles from any ocean.

HUTCH:
It's 1500 miles.

Then how did you
become a Sea Scout?

It wasn't easy.

[YELLS]

Police!

Me too.

Put me down.

Put him down.
Well, let me go.

Let him go.
Oh.

What did you jump us for?

I thought you were the guys
that jumped me.

What?
What are you talking about?

This tub's sailing in the morning.

I came on board to get
the gear of a ship's officer
who was killed last night.

Eric Snow.
Yeah. That's right.

So?

Well, I was walking on deck
when someone jumped me,
clobbered me.

When I came to, gear was gone.

The next thing I know,
you two guys were
walking around on deck.

Look. What's your name?

Oxey.

Oxey.
Oxey.

Oxey, when you were going
through Eric Snow's gear,

you find anything unusual?

Something someone might have
wanted bad enough to, you know...

No.
Nothing?

Well, I wasn't looking for nothing.
Oh.

Mostly clothes, shaving stuff,
a few kinky books...

Nothing that nobody's
gonna get killed over.

Look, Oxey. Is there anybody
around here we can get
some real information from?

Some background on Eric Snow?

With all that's gone down so far,

I think you guys better talk
to the commodore himself.

The commodore?
Commodore.

Yeah. Commodore.

COMMODORE:
Time was, I knew every
man jack aboard her.

Now I don't know one-tenth
of the men on my own ships.

[GROANS]

Not like the old days.

Those were
the good old days.

Those were the grand times.

Now, Mr. Eric Snow.

He was a troublesome
young man.

And you wanted to see the record,
his file on him?

Yeah.
Snow wasn't exactly

one of your favourites, huh?

I don't know whom
I despised more.

Mr. Eric Snow for being what he was,
or myself for keeping him in employ.

Mr. Eric Snow.

He was an arrogant cheat
and a liar.

But he did have one great asset.

He could keep the Amapola
well-booked with plump passengers.

Excuse me, commodore. Uh...

There doesn't seem to be
a local address on Mr. Snow here.

No? Well, there should be.
This was his home port.

Oh, yes. I told you that Mr. Snow
had one great asset. Women.

Oh, yes, women. Women.
They were his long suit.

Probably some women ashore
was why he didn't feel a need

of having a local address
of his own.

Commodore, there was a witness
who saw a young woman

leaving the scene
of Mr. Snow's murder.

She was in her mid-20s, blond.
Does that ring a bell?

Yes. Oh, yes,
there was one such, yes.

Yes.

Oh, yes, she booked
travel agencies, you know.

Mostly young people's groups.
What you call swinging singles.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, here she is. Moss.
An October Moss.

Oh, now, she seems to have
had a change of address.

[]

STARSKY: October Moss.
Any relation to April Showers?

HUTCH:
No. December Bride.

Just a minute.

Yes?
I'm Detective Hutchinson.

This is Detective Starsky.
Are you October Moss?

No, I'm October's roommate, Helen
Carnahan. October's in the bath.

We don't have to talk to her in there.
The living room will be fine.

Come in.

Thank you.

We've never had a visit from
the police before. Can you tell me
what it's about?

Would you tell Miss Moss
we're here?

October?
OCTOBER: Yeah?

Hey, listen, if it's about that
traffic ticket, I'm not guilty.

But I sure wouldn't mind
being arrested by one
of you two officers.

Well, thank you very much,
but that's not why we're here.

It's about a friend of yours,
Eric Snow.

Eric?

He was murdered last night.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Would you like to sit down?

We understand you and Eric
were quite close.

Eric and I broke up a couple
of weeks ago.

I guess I knew
it could never last. He, uh...

He could be such a violent
man at times. He, um...

That's why I moved in
with Helen here.
I don't know...

Miss Moss.

I'm sorry to have to ask you
this question at a time like this.

But there was a woman matching
your general description who
left the scene of the crime last night.

Her general description?

A lot of girls fit that.

I fit that description.

Yeah.

Where were you
about 10:00 last night?

I guess from about 8
till midnight, I was with

the Bayside Singles Club.

I was booking about...

About 20 of their members
on a...

On a cruise that...
On Eric's cruise.

Acapulco.

If there's nothing else...

STARSKY:
Thank you, Miss Moss.

Oh, there is one other thing.

Excuse me.

Where were you last night?

Are you kidding?
No.

You said yourself that
you match the general description.

I didn't even know Eric Snow.

But if it's that important,
I was here last night.

I watched some TV,
read and went to bed.

Alone?
That's none of your business.

Alone.
Thank you.

Thank you.

[]

The mystifying rings.

You forgot to say
"shazam," Hug.

Them rings are kid stuff.
Great escapes is where I'm at.

Help me into this,
and I will show you Huggy,

the Houdini with soul.

Huggy, you said on the phone
you had some information for us
about Eric Snow.

Well, it seems he's a smalltime
coke dealer with a very big mouth.

Cocaine, huh?

Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.

That would explain
what his killer was after.

Got to put it on tight
because this won't hold me long.

My cousin,
Marco the Magnificent,
taught me this trick.

I'm looking after his establishment
while he goes to court.

Oh, yeah?
Mm-hm.

What's he doing there?
Oh, nothing much.

Seems he was demonstrating
his famous guillotine trick

and cut off some dude's finger.

But when it comes to escapes,
he's perfect.

HUGGY: You guys ready?
In a second.

Anything else on Snow?
He's been bragging lately

about what a big deal he's gonna
be after his next voyage to Mexico.

His next voyage?

You sure you don't mean his last trip?
Next.

Capital N-E-X-T.

More. Are you ready?

Hold on, hold on.
We almost got you.

Because when you see this...

It will not hold me long.

Come on, stand back.

Take it, Hug.
Stand back.

And I'll be out of this before you can
say, "Abracadabra, hocus pocus,

dominicus."

I'm getting it.

You will be amazed!

Starsky, that doesn't make
any sense.

I mean, if Snow wasn't gonna
score until his next voyage,

what was his killer looking for?

You got me.

Let's get out of here, huh?
Yeah.

It's all in muscle control
and timing.

[]

Starsky, what'd you do
to these things?

Hutch!

Starsky!

Shazam! Shazam!

Helen? Helen?

Are you in that bathroom again?
You're gonna turn into a prune.

Come on out and look what
I bought us to eat. It's terrific!

[SCREAMS]

October?

What's going on out here?

You all right?

October?

[]

Miss Carnahan.

You were here before...

Sergeant...
Hutchinson. Ken Hutchinson.

October's dead.

Miss Carnahan,
did you see anything?
Anybody?

That poor girl is dead.
What more do you want me
to see?

She's dead.

Why did it have to happen
to her? Why?

We don't know that yet,
Miss Carnahan.

Apparently, whoever killed October
was looking for something.

What's that supposed to mean?
I don't know what you're talking about!

She's pretty upset.
Yeah, I guess so.

What did the doc have to say?

Nothing much.

Except that he's pretty sure
it's the same guy that did Snow.

Let's get out of here, huh?
Yeah.

[]

What do you mean,
impound the ship?

You're not talking
about a pickup truck.
That's over 20,000 tons of steel.

Captain, Eric Snow has been busted
three times for possession of cocaine.

Never convicted.

Come on, cap,
once for possession, maybe.

But three times, whether those
cases were kicked out or not,
is a pretty big positive.

You really think he's got something
stashed aboard?

Two people
have been murdered, captain.
Their killer was after something.

But you said your informant
told you that he wasn't gonna make
his big score until his next voyage.

Captain, we never said
this case made any sense.

But everything we've got so far
leads back to that ship.

Now, whether that's a bundle
of money or a stash of cocaine,
at least it's a place to start.

Yeah, heard that.

All right. But I still don't think
I can get that ship impounded.

However, I will speak
to the port authority to see
if I can get a search party aboard.

In the meantime, I don't want
you two on any other case.

I gotta figure out something
to tell the mayor and the chief

why I held up the sailing
of a multimillion dollar ship.

Fruit flies.

Oh, that's terrific, Hug.

Well, it takes time to perfect
the magical arts.

But the results are worth it.

I certainly hope so.
Well, take a look at this tube, Starsky.

As you can see, it's empty.

You said you had something
for us, Hug.

Well, right after we discussed
the late Eric Snow,

I came across some information
about his ship, the Amapola.

The Amapola.
The Amapola.

In connection with another dude,
Patsy Cairo,

who's the syndicate's top man
in its West Coast operation.

Well, he and his old lady,
my sources say,

are sailing today using the name
of Clark, Mr. And Mrs. Clark.

Clark.
Pick a card.

Cairo always does business
from inside the family compound.

Now, what would be big enough
to bring him to the outside?

I don't know, but from what
you said, it's killed two people.

Maybe he's on vacation.
Well, all I know is

Cairo's younger brother, Nicky,
who's one mean cat,

and his brother's bodyguard
told his travel plans to a foxy chick

who whispers in my ear,
so I know my tip is hip.

Your card is the jack of diamonds.
Seven of spades.

Thanks a lot, Hug.

Oh, by the way, I'm glad to see
you got out of that straitjacket.

We were afraid we were gonna have
to call the fire rescue squad.

Hey, there's no bonds made
that can hold Huggerino
the Supremo.

No, I don't like it.

Putting men aboard my ships
as undercover agents.

Goes against my grain. Pah.

Just what is it you hope
to accomplish by all this?

Commodore, we want the murderers
of Eric Snow and October Moss.

Also, Patsy Cairo.

Commodore, Patsy Cairo's a man
who's hurt a lot of people.

And now, for the first time in years,
we think he might be coming out
in the open.

See, commodore, we think

that we might have lucked
onto the tip of an iceberg.

A narcotics buy so big

that the kingpin himself has
to come out to make the deal.

And if we can be there,
we can get a shot at nailing him.

All of this is opinion, theory.

Suppose I do put you aboard
one of my ships in Mexico

and you come back to home port
empty-handed?

What then?
Well, at least we'll come back

with terrific tans.

And pottery.
Pottery?

Yeah. I'm thinking of starting

a hand-painted collection
of pottery.

[LAUGHING]

Captain Dobey,
I like your men here.

What you call "picturesque."

Well, all right.
I'll go along with you.

But you must tell Captain LaRue.
He must be in on your shenanigans.

Commodore Atwater.

Thanks a lot.
We really appreciate it.

Captain Dobey.

Now all we gotta think of
is what kind of cover to use.

I got it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

HUTCH: Welcome. Hack and Zack.
STARSKY: Welcome to our show.

Hack and Zack.
Welcome aboard the Amapola.

Welcome aboard.
Name's Hack and Zack.

Welcome aboard. Bar's upstairs.
Have a good time.

Well, well. Mr. Tahaka...
Here's your program.

Takahashi, sir.
Japanese.

I'm a red-blooded American
from Houston, Texas, sir.

[BABBLES]

What the...?

You don't know Japanese.
What'd you say that for?

Can't be too careful. Welcome, sir.

HUTCH: Well, well. Bayside Singles.
WOMAN: All right.

Don't you have nice,
large signs.

Oh, well, so do you.
Well, thank you very much.

One for you and one for you.

Which one are you.
Hack or Zack?

Whatever turns you on.
Oh, a lot of things turn me on.

Watch it, clown.
Wherever these girls go, I go.

Oh, you'll be spending a lot
of time in my stateroom.

All in good fun, sir.
No offence intended.
Right, Hack?

I thought I was Zack.

That depends which side
of the sign you're on.

Well, listen. Don't worry about Harv.
He's upset because his chick Kitty
didn't make it the ship.

Oh, that's too bad.
Don't worry, Harv.

It'll all work out.
Sure, sure.

MAN ON PA:
Visitors will please leave the ship.

We will be sailing shortly.

Drinks are served upstairs.

Oh, there goes a nice pair of jeans.
I like that T-shirt.

All ashore that's going ashore.

What?
Keep your eyes open.

Why aren't you keeping
your eyes open?

I was helping those ladies, I couldn't...
You told me to...

Now, don't start with me.
What do you think, you're...?

Welcome aboard, sir.
Have a nice trip. Read this.

Excuse me. I'm Hubert Stuffy,
and this is my mother.

Oh, don't be despondent.

It was her last request when she died
last week that we make this cruise.

It's her 35th.

And when we pass Ensenada,
she becomes admiral of the fleet.

Oh, we're gonna have
a grand time.

Terrific. Good.

Starsky. Starsky.
What?

What do you want?
Starsky, our friend's here.

If I'm not mistaken,
that is Mr. And Mrs. Clark,
otherwise known as Patsy Cairo

and his faithful bodyguard, Nicky,
and that hooker, Lily.

STARSKY:
Welcome aboard the Amapola.

Mr. And Mrs...
Clark.

Clark. Clark, Clark, Clark.
Clark, Clark.

We're entertainment directors
on the Amapola. Welcome.

Clark. Clark.

Here it is. Mr. And Mrs. Clark.

Clark.
Clark.

Where's stateroom B?
Right down, next deck down, sir.

To the right.
Thank you.

You're welcome.
Have a nice trip.

Drinks are upstairs.
Clark.

Look at the handsome devils.

I'm Edna Zelinka from Akron, Ohio.

I'm travelling with my beautiful,
single daughter.

Bertha, where are you?
What happened?

I broke my heel.
Oh, is that incredible.

And she is so light on her feet
for a girl so well-built.

A dancer.
Look at this face.

Oh, is that gorgeous.
It's ravishing.

I'll bet you're Polish.
I'm never wrong about
something like that.

Yes?
No.

You're not? Don't kid me.

Bertha, I think we're gonna have
a crazy time. Are we in for a treat.

Come along.
I love treats.

BERTHA: Hot stuff.
Bye, hot stuff.

You smooth-talking devil.
I didn't say anything.

I know.

Don't go without me!

Uh...

Welcome aboard, Miss...?
Kitty.

Kitty. Oh, you dropped...

Oh, I'm sorry. You okay?
Come on. Up you go.

Let go of her. I have warned you
about fooling around with these girls.

Harvey Schwab, you're insane.
If I wanna be friendly, I'm allowed.

Now, don't be strangers,
sailors.

See you around the quad, Harv.

MAN ON PA:
All ashore that's going ashore.

[WHISTLING]

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

STARSKY: Excuse me.
Having a good time?

HUTCH: Good evening.
STARSKY: Welcome aboard. Welcome.

Hello.
STARSKY: How you doing?

HUTCH: Hello.
Welcome.

Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know something?
What?

Except for the torpedo tube
they gave us for a room,
I kind of dig this.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Mr. Hack and Mr. Zack, isn't it?

Yes.
Which is which?

He's Hack.
He's Hack.

I'm First Officer Stafford.

How do you do, Stafford?
Mr. Stafford.

You will address me
as "Mr. Stafford" or "sir."

The captain has made you
my responsibility.

I should warn you now, I will not
tolerate any boisterousness,
drunkenness,

lechery, any activity that might
upset the passengers

or the smooth operation of this ship.

All of the above.

Aye-aye, sir.

Anything else?
The captain sends his greetings

and requests you report
to his cabin at two bells.

That's 9:00, Starsk.

I suggest if you've been drinking

you suck a mint before
keeping the appointment.

Oh, and I forgot.
There's a young lady,
says she knows you.

Asked you to meet her
in her cabin, 202.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, how's my breath?

You know something?
What?

He was right.

About what?
Your breath.

No, no, no. There are only
eight bells in a day.

They go around six times.

What time is it now?
Well, let's take a look.

It's just past eight bells,
going on one.

Unless, of course,
you're on Zulu time.

Zulu time?
That's the official Navy time.

And if you're on that, of course,
it's a whole different bell game.

Hi.

[]

Helen Carnahan.

Brown. The name is
Nellie Brown on this trip.

Come on in.

Come on.

I caught your act while
the passengers were boarding.
Very, very amusing disguise.

I thought we'd better talk.

Let's just say I have
very good reasons for wanting
to be Nellie Brown on this trip.

As I'm sure you have yours
for wanting to remain Hack and Zack.

The point is, you keep my
little secret, and I'll keep yours.

Well...

It might not be that easy.

Oh, I won't get in your way
if that's what you're worried about.

You just stay out of mine.

You were the girl seen running
from Eric Snow's murder.

Yes, but I had nothing
to do with it. Nothing.

And October Moss?

I'm very sorry about that part.
What is that supposed to mean?

That's all I can tell you.
Well, that's not enough.

That's all you're gonna get.
Now, listen...

What are you gonna do,
put me in irons?

I've done my homework.

You two are fish out of water.
You have no jurisdiction here.

Good night.

Miss Carnahan.
Nellie Brown.

I think she kind of likes us.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's call home.
Get some more information
on that lady.

Kitty.
Ooh, hello again.

Tie's on backwards.

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

Hack and Zack reporting
as ordered, sir.

Come in, come in.

Close the door.

Gentlemen, I better tell you up front,
I didn't want you on my ship.

Well, captain, I think
we can understand that.

Don't patronize me!

The final passenger list.

It's about the same
as the one you had before.

Three hundred
and twelve passengers.

Most of them don't know each other.

Elderly people, widows on the prowl,
a singles club.

Pathetic young people
desperately trying to have fun.

Fun.

Sort of a microcosm
of our society.

Captain...
Wouldn't you say?

Oh, yes, sir.
Good.

Captain, what is our ETA?

Nothing has changed.

We go non-stop to Acapulco.
We'll be there at 1500 hours

the day after tomorrow.
That's 3:00 in the afternoon, Starsk.

Well, is that all, gentlemen?

Not quite, sir.

A young lady on board
by the name of Nellie Brown.

She's using that name, Nellie Brown.
Her real name is Helen Carnahan.

We'd like to send a message to our
department to run a check on her.

Is she a prime suspect?

Well, we know she's involved, sir.
We just don't know to what extent.

Then your request is denied.

But, captain, this is police business
we're talking about.

I am fully aware of that,
but we are also talking
about my ship.

Captain, I don't think you
understand something.

I told you not to patronize me.

If you start making official
police calls to the mainland,

pretty soon your cover is blown.

And the grapevine has it
all over the ship.

Now, as I see it,

you got aboard talking
about murder and conspiracy.

Yes, sir.

Well, if that's true
and your cover is blown,

the two of you are going
to end up dead.

I don't want that on my ship.

Save your calls for Acapulco.

What you're saying, captain,
is that you don't trust your crew.

You can take it any way you want.

Well, then I guess
that'll be all, huh...? Uh, sir.

What's the matter?

You know, all my life,
I've dreamed of living at sea.

What it would be like
to be a captain.

Then I look at these two men,
the captain and the commodore,

and I see how the sea has left them.
Bitter, disillusioned.

Some mistress.
The sea?

Time.

[]

MAN: I'm telling you, they're cops.
Their names are Starsky and Hutch.

Patsy, let me take care of this.
That's what I like about you, Nicky.

Your solutions to problems always
reflect so much thought

and consideration.

So, what do we do, Patsy?

We wait.

Over 300 people aboard this ship.
I mean, those cops could be here
for any reason.

And what if it's us?
If it's us,

then I'll let my little baby brother
have his fun. Okay?

STARSKY:
Simon Says! Simon Says!

He says, "Put your left hand up."

I didn't say, "Simon says."
I said, "He says."

[CROWD GROANS]

You better sit down, now.
Sit down, and we're out!

Here we go now. Get ready.
Simon Says.

Simon says, "Pick your left foot up."
Simon says, "Put your left foot down."

Simon says, "Put your left hand up."
Put it down.

Uh-oh!

Oh, there's another one.

Okay, Simon says,
"Put your left foot up."
Put it down.

Simon says, "Put your left foot down."
Simon says...

Morning.

Zack?
Yeah. Good morning.

Art Jensen, second officer.
Right. Yeah.

What's next on the agenda?
Uh, well, we've got a scavenger hunt.

Oh, yeah, they always love that.

Hi! Edna Zelinka from
Akron, Ohio. Remember?

Say something in Polish.

I don't know Polish.
I'm not Polish.

Who are you kidding?
I gotta run.

That Bertha, she's making a fool
of herself over Simon Says.

She has so much energy.

Simon says, "Pick your left foot up."

Bend over.
Bertha!

Simon didn't say, "Bend over."

Oh, you're not listening.
Bertha...

The older ones are kind of like
children in a way, you know?

These cruises,
they're their whole lives.

They take as many
as five and six a year.

Whatever their pocketbooks
can afford.

Well, they seem to like you guys.

Well...
You're doing a good job.

Keep up the good work.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

Put your right foot down.
CROWD: It is down.

MAN: You said right.
STARSKY: No, I said left.

You said right, boy.

No, I said left.
You said right!

[CROWD YELLING]

You're doing a good job,
Starsk. Real good job.

Okay. All right. We'll start again.
WOMAN: No, you were cheating.

No, I'm not cheating.
Simon says...

Hey, come on back, folks.
We just began.

Okay. More fun
in a couple of minutes!

Do I have to wait that long?

Uh...

What?
Would you excuse us?

We have a couple of things
we'd like to go over.

So do I.
Yeah, I know.

[WHISTLES]

I was talking to her.
Yeah.

What did you do that for?
Did you have to mess up my action?

Starsky, will you relax?
Relax?

You already got Old Lady Lezinka.
What more do you want?

It's not Lezinka. It's Kazi...
It's Ka... Will you forget it?

How about we talk
about some business?

Yeah? Like what?

Like getting down
to Patsy Cairo's stateroom
before this ship hits Acapulco.

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

Yeah, well, I just saw his family
and him up there on the deck
taking some sun.

I think the timing's right.

Let me ask you something.
What?

How do you propose to do
that without getting caught?

You're forgetting it's time
for the scavenger hunt.

Whistle.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

All right, get your lists free.

They're real hot, they're real ready,
right off the press.

One apiece. Come on, now.
Take it easy.

Read it carefully. We
got everything put away
where you're never gonna find it.

Folks, has everyone got one?
Okay. Get the list.

All right, now.
The one who comes back first

with all the things on the list
wins a trophy suitable for burning.

HUTCH:
Keep moving. Keep moving. All right.

All right, are you ready?
CROWD: Yeah!

Get set.

What a motley group!

Are you ready?
CROWD: Yeah!

Get set.

Go!

Well, here we go. Give me one.
Yeah. Happy hunting, kimosabe.

Watch out for the masked men.

"Parker Hose rolls"?

House. House.

Hey. Where is she?
Where's Kitty?

Oh, boy, you got a problem.

You're looking at the wrong guy.
Yeah, where am I supposed to look?

Try a mirror.

If you can't help me,
I know somebody who can.

Yeah, and who's that?
Your partner.

Excuse me.
Huh?

Are my two minutes up yet?

Bertha, I found the hot-water bottle!

Now all we need is
the beach ball and the cane

and the two Parker House rolls!
Got it.

Kitty.

TAKAHASHl:
Let's see.

[]

Uh, you wouldn't have
a goatskin rug in there, maybe?

A nectarine? Assorted toffees?

Some support hose?

Are you kidding?
Get out of here.

What do you think, Marty?

I think we gotta
make a move.

We have to get
into the captain's office.

There's gonna be something there,
I know it, that'll tell us

why those two turkeys are on board.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you. Thank you.

Keep it up.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Atwater Shipping Lines
takes great pleasure

and great pride in presenting me.

[RIMSHOT PLAYS]

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

This is our wonderful drummer.

Today, his wife had a wonderful
baby boy.

Would the father please stand up
and take a bow?

[LAUGHTER LOUDENS]

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce the band.

Now, I know you're all looking forward
with great pleasure and anticipation

to the wonderful amateur hour that
we are featuring tonight, but first,

I think a couple of very important
announcements are in order.

Most important, tonight,
celebrating 12 years of wedded bliss.

Congratulations to
Mr. And Mrs. Waldo Pitkin.

[DRUM ROLLS]

Twelve out of 35. That ain't bad.

And speaking of drunks.
Why not?

The other day I saw a drunk put
a dime in a parking meter. He said:

"What do you know?
I weigh an hour."

Sit on it!

Thank you.

Yes?
Well, I just happened to notice, sir,

Mr. And Mrs. Clark from stateroom B
were not at their table
for the show tonight.

Indeed?
Yeah.

Well, you're not working on
commission, are you?
Fortunately.

However, since you're so interested,
I see the occupants of staterooms
C, D, E and F

are also not in attendance.
Uh-huh.

Seems your theatrical activity
is not greatly appreciated.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.
STARSKY: Thank you.

Sounds good, didn't it?

Mr. Simon is here.
Thank you, Mr. Jensen.

Oh, oh, by the way, you're not
gonna forget to take care
of that little matter for me?

Oh, no, sir. Right away.
It's as good as done.

Thank you.

Well, Marty, it's about time.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.
I had to take care
of something.

All right, let's get
the meeting started.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
for your listening pleasure,

Artie Frennel and his Frantic Five
Minus Four.

Take it away, boys.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

You gotta tell me.
You were terrific.

Well, except for that
parking meter joke.
Where'd you get that one?

Got it from you.

Listen, listen. Patsy Cairo's
still in his stateroom.

Oh, boy. We gotta get
a look in there before
we land tomorrow.

Well, that's the idea.
I got it.

His lady is gung ho
on show business.

Now, what say that I drag her
up here and get her to do a thing
in the amateur contest?

Maybe she'll drag Cairo
and the rest of them up here
to watch her do it.

That's a good idea.
Thank you.

What? What's her number?
Hm?

What does she do?
What's her act?

"Green Sleeves" on the zither.
Terrific.

Maybe she'd like us
to stand closer together.

Showtime, huh?
Oh, showtime.

Look, you hold the fort.
I'll try and get Cairo and crew

out of the stateroom.
All right.

[CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, boys. That was truly fair.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to introduce to you a man
who was outstanding in Chicago,

outstanding in Boston,
outstanding in Philadelphia.

And now he's out standing
in the washroom.

[LAUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the incomparable,
the absolutely indomitable

Zack Shecky.
Let's hear it for him.

"Zack Shecky"?
Yeah, it sounds bigtime.

Here's the list.
Thank you.

Knock them dead.
Right.

Thank you...

Thank you, Hack Tuppleman.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
something that we've all been
waiting for.

The Amapola's own star-studded
amateur contest.

And, uh...

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Here's our first contestant.

Mr. Clint Tahakashiki.

Takahashi!
Takahashi.

From Houston, Texas.

Weighing in at 192 pounds,
in his double-knit corrective slacks.

Mr. Tahakashiki...
Takahashi.

Takahashi will sing
his rendition of...

"My Wild Irish Rose"?

Mr. Tahakashiki.
Takahashi.

I can't take it.

Where'd your partner go?
He went to meet Kitty, didn't he?

Oh, no, no, no.
You got it all wrong.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

There's the man,
right over there.

He's the one who went
to see your girlfriend.

[TAKAHASHI SINGING
"MY WILD IRISH ROSE"]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Mr. Jensen, what on earth
do you think you are doing here?

You better have an explanation.

There's only one, captain.

[GUN SHOOTS]

Our next contestant,
Miss Bertha Zelinka,

with Tops in Taps!

Bertha. Your public's waiting, Bertha.
BERTHA: Coming, Mom.

Go, darling, go.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

I taught her everything
she knows.

[HUMMING]

Mrs. Clark?

Mrs. Clark, it's magic time
at the amateur hour.

We're waiting to hear you
belt out "Green Sleeves."

Mrs. Clark?

[WHISTLING "POPEYE
THE SAILORMAN" THEME]

[]

He's not a man
we can dismiss lightly.

[MUFFLED VOICES]

If we hold together, and firm,
we'll have the upper hand.

If we don't, believe me,
he'll chew us to pieces.

Maybe... maybe Gus is right.
Maybe...

he has to be taken care of.
No.

[GROANS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GROANS]

Are you all right?

You don't look very well.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just fine.

What happened to you?

Yes. Indeed.

On my way to my quarters
to clean up.

Just had a revolting encounter

with an absolutely berserk passenger
named Harvey Schwab.

He accused me
of chasing his girlfriend.

[CHUCKLING]

Have you been drinking again?
Huh? What?

You sure you're all right?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

How about you?
You gonna be okay, Stafford?

Never felt better.

Mr. Stafford.

Mr. Stafford.

- Ever-popular Bob White.

We go to the North woods and
the famous Canadian Snow Goose,

pining for his lost mate.

[IMITATES GOOSE HONKS]

Here's your bird, babe.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

HUBERT:
Nature knows no titters.

Hey, what happened to you?
I got ambushed.

Ambushed? Well, look,
you want to sit down?

No, no, I'm okay.
What happened with Cairo?

He wasn't in the stateroom.
Look, I think we've stumbled
onto something

a lot bigger than a dope deal.
What are you talking about?

How about every syndicate
leader on the West Coast.

What?
Yeah. You want a list?

Jack Patches, Gus Traynor,
Long Oscar Nash, Marty Simon.

Marty Simon? We busted him
a couple of years ago.

And if he spots us,
our cover's blown.

Look, I think we'd better
call the mainland,
whether the captain likes it or not.

I think you're right.
Hold on a second.

Go ahead.

Can it, turkey.

Wasn't that sensational, folks?

Well, folks, we're coming down
to the final contestants.

So let's have a nice, warm
Amapola welcome

for our next star of tomorrow,
or the day after that.

Performing some gems
from your favourite operas,

Mrs. Edna Zelinka
from Columbus, Ohio.

It's Akron. My teacher
would never forgive me.

And I don't need this.

All right, boys.

Begin.

[BAND PLAYS BIZET'S "HABANERA"]

[SINGING]

See, I learned that fill at school.

This was the Fred Astaire School.

[SINGING]

Something's wrong.
You got a headache?

Well, of course something's wrong.
We've got two murders,

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

We're hanging on to our cover
by a shoestring,

we've got the biggest meeting of
the syndicates since Appalachia,
and you say something's wrong.

It's more than that. I mean,
you don't kill a couple of times
to cover up a meeting

that's gonna result in a couple
of misdemeanour convictions.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[KNOCKING]

STARSKY:
Captain?

Captain LaRue?

HUTCH:
Captain?

Will you look at this?

Captain?

Not in there.

Somebody was looking
for something.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Starsk.

Special orders issued us
by the commodore.

I got blood.

There's more here.

[]

[]

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