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(theme music playing)
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NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world
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00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:28,026
of what he believes to be reality.
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00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:32,998
But... there is,
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unseen by most, an underworld.
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A place that is just as real
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but not as brightly lit.
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A dark side.
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(applause)
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(laughter)
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Say... say, Ollie...
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(laughter)
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...what does this remind you of?
14
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Oliver Hardy.
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(murmuring)
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(laughter, applause)
17
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I haven't the faintest idea.
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00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:39,096
What on earth could that
possibly remind me of?
19
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(inaudible whisper)
20
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(as Laurel):
Reminds me of Thursday.
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(laughter)
22
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How could that remind you
of Thursday?
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(as Laurel):
It's simple.
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There's Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday...
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Thursday.
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(laughter, applause)
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Gee...
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you... you know,
when I was a kid,
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I used to practice the violin
30
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while the other kids
practiced playing football.
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00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:23,475
But it really paid off,
because today,
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I can kick a violin
further than anybody.
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(laughter, applause)
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Hey, uh, pay no attention
to the man behind the curtain.
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Yes. (chuckles)
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I'm not a bad man;
I'm just a very bad wizard.
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(chuckles) Uh...
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Tin Man, hey, uh,
you want a heart?
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00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:44,095
You don't know how lucky you are
not to have one.
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Hearts will never
become practical
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until they're made
unbreakable.
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Yes, and remember, Tin Man,
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it isn't how
much, uh...
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you love, but how much
you are loved by others.
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And I certainly love you,
each and every one of you.
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Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
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Good night.
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(applause)
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Just don't tell me
how to work my act.
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I got to say
what I got to say.
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When I see boring,
I say it.
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The act's boring.
53
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Boring?
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00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,372
Between the TV, the record
and the Vegas dates,
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00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:30,942
I've earned more with that act
than you could pull
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00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:32,711
out of this toilet
in ten years.
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That's how old the act is:
ten years.
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It's the same routine.
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Do you know why?
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Perfection.
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00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,219
That's what
that act is.
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Absolute perfection.
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00:03:43,256 --> 00:03:45,089
Every vocal nuance.
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Every move, every gesture.
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Hey, that's why this audience
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00:03:49,061 --> 00:03:52,430
keeps coming back
to see me time and time again.
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00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:54,565
They recognize that.
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They appreciate me.
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Spiffy,
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you're the best in the business.
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That's not the point.
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00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:02,941
The people want
to see you do new stuff.
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00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,677
Just don't tell me
how to work my act.
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00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:07,812
Tell me something.
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00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:09,713
You enjoy reading
yesterday's newspaper?
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00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:10,915
You think they do?
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00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:11,916
Okay.
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00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:15,286
I was a little off tonight.
79
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:16,788
But you know why?
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00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,390
Did you notice that guy
in the aloha shirt,
81
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,760
the guy trying to blend in
with the tourists?
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00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,927
(sucking loudly)
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00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:24,763
He had eyes
like ice cubes.
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Telling you,
he made my thumbs itch.
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00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,600
What are you
talking about?
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00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:31,436
When I get nervous,
my... my thumbs itch.
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00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:34,238
Just freshen up
the act, okay?
88
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,539
Okay, tell you what.
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00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:37,942
I will if you
freshen up the salary.
90
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,043
You know, you're right.
91
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,713
That guy was no tourist,
that's for sure.
92
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,783
Hey, Pudgy.
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00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,085
Hey, you know I'm worth it.
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00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:48,486
The money isn't there, Spiffy.
95
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:50,155
What can I do?
96
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,789
I'll tell you what you can do.
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00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,658
You can take this club...
you can take
98
00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:55,393
this club
of yours and...
99
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,429
What do you want?
(door slamming)
100
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No one's allowed back here.
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Mr. Remo... Uncle wants you.
102
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:08,806
What for?
103
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,174
Uh...
104
00:05:10,209 --> 00:05:12,610
aren't I a little too old
to be digging foxholes?
105
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We have something special
in mind for you.
106
00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:16,014
Top secret.
107
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,316
I'm sorry, I, uh,
don't do Reagan.
108
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Are you coming, Mr. Remo?
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Where?
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You'll like it.
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00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,391
Quiet.
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00:05:27,426 --> 00:05:29,093
Plenty of time
to unwind.
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(chuckles)
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00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,796
What do you think
this is, the movies?
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00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,564
Next thing you know,
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00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:36,334
you'll be telling me
you want to blindfold me.
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00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:38,837
Or put me in the trunk
of your car.
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Not the trunk.
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The backseat
lying down.
120
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,144
Well, better there
than in Philadelphia.
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00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,779
W.C. Fields.
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00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:50,148
It was his epitaph
on his tombstone.
123
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:51,783
You'll be
paid, Mr. Remo.
124
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,117
Oh, yeah? How much?
125
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,685
We'll take good
care of you.
126
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,521
You have to
leave right now,
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00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:58,356
and you don't say
good-bye to anybody.
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00:05:58,391 --> 00:06:01,893
I suppose, uh,
I don't have a choice?
129
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:03,795
Not really.
130
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:08,700
Your blindfold or mine?
131
00:06:10,903 --> 00:06:12,871
Mine.
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00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:22,447
(other-worldly screaming)
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What's that?
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00:06:25,384 --> 00:06:27,452
This way.
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(eerie groaning)
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(rhythmic, mechanical whirring)
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Mr. Remo, I'm Dr. Coe.
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You're aware the document
you signed commits you
139
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,832
to, uh, secrecy?
140
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,133
Oh, yeah.
141
00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:44,502
That's very good.
142
00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:46,704
Thank you for coming.
We desperately need you here.
143
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:49,140
Oh, yeah? What is this,
a lab for jokes?
144
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:50,475
My, uh, rabbit died?
145
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,610
(laughs)
146
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:56,914
Please, sit here.
147
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,224
Well, what I'm going to tell you
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shouldn't come to that much
of a surprise really,
149
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:10,494
considering how much
we know today.
150
00:07:10,529 --> 00:07:13,231
But two months ago,
a spaceship landed.
151
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,867
After days of decoding
signals and messages,
152
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we finally made
communication.
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(switch clicks)
154
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,739
And he came out.
155
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:25,276
Now, in deciphering
certain signals from him,
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00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:27,745
we learned he possesses
certain scientific knowledge
157
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:30,214
far superior
than our own.
158
00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:32,283
We call him Hoffgosh.
159
00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:33,551
Hoffgosh?
160
00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:34,752
However,
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00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:36,287
for all of his superiority,
162
00:07:36,322 --> 00:07:38,756
he's still very childlike
in his behavior.
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00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,593
We learned that
by imitating his gestures,
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00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:45,096
he felt most comfortable,
and would allow us to converse.
165
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,265
Now, the headset
166
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:51,135
here is attached to a
linguistics computer.
167
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:56,240
Now, these sounds have been
encoded on this compact disc.
168
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,281
No. Wrong.
169
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:04,782
That's very observant.
170
00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:15,893
(sighs)
171
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As you can see,
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Hoffgosh
has become
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frustrated, moody
and very uncooperative with me.
174
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,701
And that's why we called you,
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00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,069
Mr. Remo.
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00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:27,505
We've seen
your tapes.
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00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:29,306
Your impersonations
are-are perfect.
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00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,508
Almost uncanny.
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00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:31,976
Every nuance,
detail.
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00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,144
We feel
that through
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your talent,
you can make him communicate.
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00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:39,917
Wait a minute.
183
00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:42,119
Are you trying to tell me
184
00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:46,491
you want me
to tangle with that thing?
185
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,459
Mr. Remo, you'll be protected.
186
00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:49,760
Just like you were protected?
187
00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:51,061
Oh, no, no, no.
188
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,364
Despite what, uh,
you-you see here,
189
00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:55,500
no, Hoffgosh is basically
friendly to us.
190
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,302
Friends like that--
who needs the mafia?
191
00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:00,304
Mr. Remo,
192
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,807
have you ever heard
of fusion power?
193
00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:03,975
What's that?
194
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,476
It's a form of nuclear energy
195
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:07,044
that's still a mystery to us.
196
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:09,347
Nobody has ever figured
how to make it work.
197
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,181
His ship
runs on it.
198
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:14,652
And now Hoffgosh can
just hand us the answers.
199
00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:17,422
Well, I got an answer, too.
200
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,557
No.
201
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:24,062
We spent years searching
for a way to make fusion work.
202
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,830
And now, he can just
hand it to us.
203
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:30,534
Fusion will affect
the economic vitality
204
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,738
of our country,
our trade balance,
205
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:36,974
and even the future
of the world economy.
206
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:39,810
Mr. Remo,
207
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:42,079
we don't have much time.
208
00:09:42,114 --> 00:09:45,983
Hoffgosh is not adapting
to our environment.
209
00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:48,619
He must go back.
210
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:50,954
Please, help us.
211
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,794
Let him have
a safe trip,
212
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,730
and tell Uncle I pass.
213
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,132
Oh, uh...
214
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:03,867
I'm leaving.
215
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,703
Doctor, I want to
be alone with him.
216
00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:08,072
Mr. Remo...
217
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,107
Doctor!
218
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,580
What are you gonna do,
break my legs?
219
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,415
Kill me 'cause
I know too much?
220
00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:19,716
No.
221
00:10:19,718 --> 00:10:21,219
When you were in the army,
222
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:22,754
certain charges were brought
against you.
223
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,289
(sighs)
These were dropped.
224
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:26,924
Where'd you get these?
225
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,059
The case could
be reopened.
226
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:30,928
New evidence can
be uncovered.
227
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,262
Where'd you get these?!
228
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:35,867
Mr. Remo, you could
spend years in jail.
229
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:41,673
Or you could spend some time
with our friend in here,
230
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:43,140
behind the one-way mirror.
231
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:04,896
Now then, Mr. Remo,
are you ready?
232
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:08,266
Just put this device on
which will enable you
233
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,500
to hear him in English,
234
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:12,536
and he will hear you
in Hoffgoshen.
235
00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:13,804
Fine.
236
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,806
Just remember to speak
slowly to him.
237
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:16,841
Hey, listen,
238
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:18,776
after three weeks
of watching those tapes,
239
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:20,777
I could almost speak Hoffgoshen.
240
00:11:20,779 --> 00:11:22,980
Okay, the body language
is vital.
241
00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:24,482
Don't worry about
the body language.
242
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,951
You're talking
to Spiffy Remo, right?
243
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,654
Well, then, let's see
your act, Mr. Remo.
244
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,889
Well, showtime.
245
00:11:31,924 --> 00:11:33,457
Let's go.
246
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:41,132
Any predictions, Doctor?
247
00:11:42,735 --> 00:11:45,236
He might do it.
248
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,677
(nervous growl)
249
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:59,217
(hissing)
250
00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:10,728
(growling nervously)
251
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,069
Don't be afraid.
252
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,604
(growling)
253
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,639
Don't be afraid.
254
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:29,080
I've come to help you.
255
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,115
(growling curiously )
256
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:41,425
So far so good.
257
00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:44,462
(sustained hissing)
258
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:05,917
(shrieks)
(gasps)
259
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,017
(yelling)
260
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:09,420
(device beeping)
261
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:13,090
(Hoffgosh shrieking)
262
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:16,093
(beeping continues)
263
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,734
You all right?
Yeah.
264
00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:25,436
All right, sit down.
265
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:28,472
(sighing)
266
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:29,807
What happened to you in there?
267
00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:31,642
You were doing so well.
268
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,145
You lost your concentration,
you stood up straight.
269
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:36,780
I know what I did wrong.
270
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,717
Give me some time.
271
00:13:42,454 --> 00:13:44,622
I'll get him down.
272
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,126
I'll get him down.
273
00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:39,343
Why can't we communicate
anymore?
274
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,045
Please.
(groaning)
275
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:44,649
Please, say something to me.
276
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,784
(groaning)
277
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,023
SCIENTIST:
It's just not working.
278
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,958
Not working?
279
00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:57,928
You're wasting our time,
I'm taking you back.
280
00:14:57,964 --> 00:14:59,329
Taking me back?
281
00:14:59,364 --> 00:15:00,664
I'm that close!
282
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,067
You've been saying
that for too long.
283
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,102
Are you serious?
284
00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:06,971
What do you think, that's
Peter Lorre in there
285
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,872
or Jimmy Stewart?
286
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,507
That thing's articulating sounds
287
00:15:10,542 --> 00:15:12,542
that have never been heard
on this planet before.
288
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,645
Gentlemen, I'm getting
close to it.
289
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,680
It's beginning to trust me.
290
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,682
You can't fool that thing!
291
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:20,517
You're out, Mr. Remo.
292
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:21,652
Out?!
293
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:24,021
Hey, nobody cancels
Spiffy Remo. Nobody!
294
00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:25,889
When you go in there
with him, you just
295
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,725
seem to lose
something, sir.
296
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,159
Lose something?
297
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:31,161
I can get it down,
gentlemen, believe me.
298
00:15:31,196 --> 00:15:32,863
I'm that close
to getting it down.
299
00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:34,498
I can! Give me that.
300
00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:36,333
Wait.
No waiting!
301
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,974
(hissing)
302
00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:53,450
What's he doing?
303
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,408
(speaking Hoffgoshen)
304
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:31,121
(both speaking Hoffgoshen)
305
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:56,614
Yes, this is it!
306
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,081
(applauding)
307
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:08,692
(mechanical whirring)
308
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,605
(chuckling):
Oh!
309
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,961
(crowd cheering, applauding)
310
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,479
Do you hear that?
311
00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:03,948
Do you hear that?!
312
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,249
They love you!
313
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:06,850
I don't know where you've
been the last few months
314
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:08,419
but the audience
still loves you.
315
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,823
Why the sourpuss?
316
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,258
I don't know.
317
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:17,595
I just lost something.
318
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,264
The act doesn't work
for me anymore.
319
00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:24,201
I knew it, I knew it.
320
00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:26,903
(sighing):
Okay, give me
a couple of weeks.
321
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,543
I'll see what I can do
about a raise.
322
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:41,819
You don't understand,
do you, Pudgy?
323
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:45,522
The sad thing is,
you probably never will.
324
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:46,790
Good night.
325
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,535
(car horn honking)
326
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:00,304
DRIVER:
Hey, what are you doing?!
327
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:02,573
(tires screeching)
328
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,927
(high-pitched whirring)
329
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,896
(engines roaring)
330
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:31,668
(roaring grows louder)
331
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:34,171
(loud roaring)
332
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,507
(whooshing)
333
00:19:39,778 --> 00:19:42,679
(high-pitched mechanical
humming)
334
00:19:49,054 --> 00:19:51,054
(humming stops)
335
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:26,190
(Hoffgosh greeting
in Hoffgoshen)
336
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,860
(speaking cheerfully)
337
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:42,172
(speaking gently
and amicably)
338
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:12,902
NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.
339
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:15,739
Waiting for us to enter.
340
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:18,809
Waiting to enter us.
341
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,877
Until next time,
342
00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:25,349
try to enjoy the daylight.
29585
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