All language subtitles for Swedish Dicks - 02x07 - Dawn of the Dicks_track3_[eng]

Now, that's terrible news,
Mrs. Dunn.

So, you believe your husband
was kidnapped.

Yeah, that's what I said
about a minute ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm a little distracted.

My-- my girlfriend
comes home later today

from her food-scientist
convention.

I haven't seen her in a while
because I've been in prison.

You were in prison?

-Yes.
-Well, um--

Aren't you Jamie Dunn,
the condo queen?

Another thing I said
about a minute ago.

-Yeah.
-I love your ads.

-Thanks.
-♪ I'll take you home

It's a very clever
catchphrase.

-[clears throat]
-D-did you ever think of using

♪ We'll get it Dunn
because your name is Dunn?

Can we get back to talking
about my missing husband?

-Certainly, Jamie.
-Doug is an actor.

-Yeah?
-Has he been in anything
we might have seen?

Well, have you heard
of a little movie

called "The Freeloaders?"
[chuckles]

Um...

Uh, you know,
before he disappeared,

he was working on some zombie
movie called "The Body Shop."

How did the kidnappers
contact you?

They sent me a video.

They wanted $150,000
in 24 hours.

24 hours from when?

I got this thumb drive
last night and--

-Did you call the police?
-Are you new here?

I mean,
that's not how ransoms work.

Have you ever even seen
a cop show?

[chuckles]
I canceled my cable.

Well, do you at least have
a computer?

-Of course we do.
-Great. Watch the video.

But just--
can you wait until I leave?

Because I can't stand
to see it again.

I understand.

They said
they're gonna kill him.

Don't you worry, Jamie,
we'll handle it.

♪ We'll take him home

♪ We'll get it Dunn

-Please stop.
-Okay. Too soon?

They said they--
they'd call in a few days

with information
about where to pay the ransom.

I swear they will kill me,
honey.

Please follow their directions. I'm so scared.

I not gonna sit here
and watch this guy

from "Angel Teeth" again.

We watch 11 times!

Yeah, but if we can get
the GPS data off that video,

we can figure out
where it was shot, right?

Pretty technical talk from a guy
who doesn't even own a computer.

Oh, he read an article.

[scoffs]

They said they'd call
in a few days

with information
about where to pay the ransom.

-Look at that.
-What?

-There.
-Yeah, chu--

Chuch-- Chuchauto.

Yeah, it's sorta sideways.
Chachu-- chachu--

Chu-u-ch...

-Cha-- cha--
-Yeah.

-Chuck's Auto Ts!
-Chuck's.

-Huh?
-Hey!

I know that place.
Come on, let's go.

Hey, while we're gone,
can you triangulate

the geotags
and isolate the metadata?

-Fuck off.
-[door closes]

-Ah!
-Bingo.

Hey. Nice jacket.

-Sweet.
-Yeah.

All right, I have two cameras.
The monitor cycles through them.

The camera you're looking at
is camera one.

Camera two. One. Two.

One. That's two.

One. Two.

-Yeah, sir?
-One--

We would like to see
any activity

on camera two
late last night.

-All right.
-If you can back it--

-Okay, let me try.
-Continue backing.

There, freeze it!
Right there.

Back it.
Back it up a little.

Hold it-- hold it--
hold it right there.

Hold it, please.

There, look at that car.

'72 Le Mans.
Sweet, big block.

-That's some real
muscle there, man.
-[cell phone rings]

You mind if I use
your computer here?

-Uh, help yourself.
-Thank you.

-Hello?
-Hi! I'm back.

-Did you miss me?
-Oh, definitely.

Yeah, there's
an Eve-shaped hole in my life.

Well, this was all
kinds of adventures.

I have so much
to tell you about.

Listen, uh, c-can we--

If you put a bunch of food
scientists in a room together,

-shit gets crazy.
-Yeah. listen, babe--

Um, you remember Brandon,
my ex?

He was there,
and he was acting very weird

and super uncomfortable
around me.

And I was like, "What is this?
What's going on?"

-And I figured it out.
-Really?

He's acting
like he's moved on.

Like he's better than me.
[chuckles] You know?

Yeah, I'm right up
in the middle of a case,

but I want to hear all about
your old boyfriend.

Well, Floyd, it sounds like you
don'twanna hear about it.

L-let me call you later,
all right, foxy cheeks?

I love you.

[kisses]

Listen,
I ran a trace on the car.

The car belongs
to a film director, Max Hill.

Oh, trace. Not bad.

The movie
he's currently working on

is "The Body Shop."

Oh, that's the film Doug
the kidnapped guy is in.

You're damn right it is,
Foxy Cheeks.

[chuckles] Chuck,
you're the man, thank you.

Glad to have been of help.

I've gotta have
the jacket back, though.

Thanks, Sun.

No biggie, I was gonna
come in here anyway.

It's my job to snoop around
and look for things

they try to hide from me.
[whistles tune]

Have you seen, um,
a folder I left here yesterday?

-It says "Harris" on the tag?
-Oh, yes.

-And?
-I threw it out.

Looked like government
surveillance.

-Sun!
-You'll thank me later.

That was a court deposition
for my work.

-[elevator dings]
-[groans]

-Hello.
-Wait.

You're the dicks?

-N-no, actually--
-What can we help you with?

Something was stolen from me,
and I really need it back.

-[voice breaks] Like bad.
-What was stolen from you?

My cousin Francis.

I set my backpack down,
and, whoop, Francis was gone.

-So Francis took the bag?
-She was in the backpack.

Francis is dead.

Right, Sun, I got that.

She died like
a year or so ago,

just before we could
go on this trip

that we'd been planning
since we were little.

-I promised her we'd go.
-Where were you headed?

San Diego, it's where
she wants to be scattered.

[voice breaks]
And now she's stolen.

God damn body snatchers!

Will you help me?

It's something
that I have to finish.

She know how you feeling.
We help you.

[cell phone rings]

-Hey, baby.
-[Brad] Hey, sweetie.

Sorry, I gotta take this.
I'll be right back, sorry.

Tell me about this vase.

Listen,
I got an idea for you.

I wanna take you out
for a little surprise lunch.

Well, it's not really a surprise
if you tell me about it.

Well, what if I told you that
I got us a table at Oliver's?

[chuckles] You really don't know
how surprises work, do you?

[laughs]
I really want to see you.

How about it?

I- I'd love to, Brad.
Um, but I can't.

I've got to help someone
finish something.

Aw, fine.

I'm sorry, babe.
I'll call you later, okay?

-Okay, bye.
-Bye.

What has it been like
working on this movie?

Oh, yeah, this one
has been way different

than any of my other films.

I mean, it's a zombie movie,
you know?

Yeah, I've never done
anything like this.

-It's no "Kung Fu Kitty."
-Oh, you saw that one?

-Yeah, I saw all of 'em.
-Oh!

You said "different."
How has this been different?

Well, did you notice that
you're eating a raw carrot?

Yeah. There's, like,
no money for food or anything.

Max is paying
for this all himself,

and he's totally running
out of money.

I hear he's going broke.
Like, no one has been paid.

I'm pretty sure this food
came from a dumpster

behind
some sort of food bank.

And he's been
really mean to me, too.

[scoffs]
Thank God I'm almost done.

-Ew.
-Yeah, that's our guy.

Max Hill, the director.

They need you on set,
Ms. Mayfield.

-Yeah.
-Um, who are you guys?

Food is for actors
and background only.

We arebackground.

Well, then get your asses
over to makeup stat.

Lou's here! [chuckles]

Hello. Mwah! Mwah!

And you must be Sarah.

-Yes.
-Let me get a look at you.

Wow.

Sunny Bunny,
why haven't you brought Sarah

-to see me before this?
-She not into old guys.

Oh.

So I understand
you are trying

to locate some stolen remains?

Yes, for a client.
She needs to keep a promise.

Ah, there is nothing more
important than a good sendoff.

-So let's see this vessel.
-You mean "vase."

He means "urn."

Right, because you can't spell
"burn" without "urn."

-[clears throat]
-And the cremains were inside?

-Yes.
-That should be easy enough.

We'll just track it down in
the missing cremains database.

Easy peasy Japanesey.

-That's racist.
-Only if you're Japanese.

W-wait, you're saying
that there's a database

where you can track down
cremated remains?

-No.
-Ah.

Funeral director.
We love to have a good time.

Well, can't spell "funeral"
without "fun," right?

Oh, my God, Sarah,
will you marry me?

-[laughs]
-[laughs] Oh!

[clears throat]
This, uh, particular urn

appears to be
Chilean malachite.

It's a beautiful stone.
It's vintage and pretty rare.

If the thief knows
how valuable it is,

he'd be a boob
not to try to sell it.

Will you let us know if you or
one of your colleagues spots it?

Absolutely, Sarah,
and in the meantime, you know,

just check online,
craigslist, eBay,

stolen-urns-for-sale dot com.

[chuckles, laughs]

[sighs]

W-what do you want? What?

[moaning]

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm getting into character.

Hey, we need to focus
on the director!

You know, he's broke,
he's desperate.

His car
was at the crime scene.

Back to one, shitheads!
Come on!

-Are all directors like that?
-Yeah, all of 'em.

-[man] "A" set.
-[man] "B" set.

-Action!
-[zombies moaning]

No, no!

No!

[whimpers]

Yes, yeah. Yes.

No!!

[moaning continues]

-[cell phone vibrating]
-Yes.

-No!
-Hey, fruit chews.

[Eve] Hey, I have got
to say something to him.

-To who?
-To my ex, Brandon,

who's at the convention,
who's acting like

he's all high and mighty
and over me.

Like he's moved on.
No, I'vemoved on, not him.

-[actress screams]
-Is that a woman screaming?

-[shouts]
-Uh, no, no.

Uh, I agree,
you should say something to him.

-What should I say?
-Well, you know,

we have an expression
in Sweden.

it's called
[speaks Swedish]

Literally, it means
"fill your attic with grapes."

But it really means
"remember kindness."

I mean,
he's the one who's hurt.

He's probably just trying
to protect his own feelings.

Yeah, he's still obsessed
with me. Yeah.

-Okay, I-I hear you.
-[actress wailing]

Are you sure that's
not a woman screaming?

What? No, no, no, no.

Just some squeaky brakes
or something.

I don't think so.

I mean, but people tell me
I give good advice--

Cut! Cut! Cut!!

What the fuck
is going on here, huh?

-I gotta go.
-Everybody out!

[sighs] Okay.

[sighs]

These online auction sites,

people buying and selling
so much weird stuff.

Um, perhaps you forgot we are
looking for human remains.

-Oh, wait. Yes!
-What, did you find something?

I just put in a bid for
Amelia Earhart's pap smear.

-[telephone rings]
-Sun.

Yeah?

I've got amazing news,
Sunny Bunny.

I just got a call
from a colleague,

and someone just tried to sell
him your missing urn.

I've already emailed you
all the information

-so we can set up a sting.
-Who's "we?"

You and Sarah and me.

I work alone,
and in this case,

not really alone,
just not with you.

But I got the information!

I know. You're my lobster,
Lou-boo.

I'm going to remember this,
Sun.

That's okay,
because I gonna forget it.

And forgetting is more important
than remembering.

[dial tone]

We got the thief.
Check your inbox.

This guy wants to set up.
He wants to play.

What the fuck
is going on, huh!?

Who the fuck gets on the phone
in the middle of a take?

-It was an important call.
-Now we're in overtime.

Do you know how much
an hour costs?

-I bet youdo!
-What's that supposed to mean?

You're paying
for all this yourself,

and we know
you're running out of money.

That's why you're holding

Doug Patterson
for ransom, right?

Right. Right.

The hack actor
who stole my girlfriend.

-Girlfriend?
-Yeah, her, my ex-girlfriend.

Oh, you-- you mean Stacy?

Mm-hmm.
Look, I make bad horror films.

But I'm not a criminal.

When you find him,
let him know

that I got
the douchebag's ballcap

he left in my car
couple of nights ago.

-He was in your car?
-Yeah, with her.

That's how I found out.

-She was driving his car.
-Yeah.

You might also ask why
she doesn't seem too worried

that her boyfriend
is missing, huh?

[Jamie] Wow,
you did this so quickly.

[Ingmar] It was easy,
once we put a tail on Stacy,

she led us straight to the hotel
where we found your Doug.

[groans]
Stacy Mayfield, my God!

So the good news is
your husband isn't kidnapped.

No, he's extorting me
for a 150 thou

so he can run off with
the star of "Kung Fu Kitty."

Yeah, I don't know about you,
but those movies

are completely ruined for me.

You have to separate
the art from the artist.

Right?

When do you think
they're leaving?

Well, your husband
is wrapped already.

But Stacy's last day
on this film is tomorrow.

Then I suppose I'll have
to get my revenge in

before then,
right, gentlemen?

I'm sorry, we're not
in the revenge business.

[both speaking Swedish]

Uh, look, look,
you dicks just saved me

a chilly 150 Gs.

I think I can make it
worth your while.

♪ We'll take you home

Or...
♪ We'll get it Dunn

So that's the guy
who stole my cousin?

-Mm-hm. His name's Andrew.
-Ugh.

-Oh.
-What are you--

I gotta get in character.

What-- are you kid--
Will you just go already?

She's serious.

Mm-hmm.

[woman]
I hope she can do this.

[Sarah]
If anyone can, she can.

-Hi.
-Hi.

[heavier Asian accent]
I'm the one who call you

-about the vase.
-Oh, it's-- it's an urn.

That's what I said, vase.
Can I see it?

Sure.

[gasps] May I?

Oh. Oh, that's it!

-How much?
-Thousand.

-Go!
-Oh, my God, look at her go.

I got it!
I got it! Oh!!

-[grunts]
-Stop!

You see this girl?
Her cousin in this vase.

-It's called an urn, Sun.
-Whatever.

-We know you stole it.
-Oh, fine.

And if you don't turn around
right now

and walk the fuck away,

we'll be the last voices
you ever hear.

Take it easy.

How about 200?

-Why--
-You son of a bitch!

[woman] I want to thank you
for doing this for us.

-"Us"?
-Me and Francis.

I mean, we couldn't have
done it by ourselves.

If you want,
we throw in free whoop-ass

-of that Andrew guy.
-Really?

We're just glad
you got Francis back.

I get what it's like needing
to finish something you started.

Right.
Like closure, man.

So I guess it's off
to San Diego, right?

Totally, I'm gonna spend
some quality time with Francis,

and then I'm gonna scatter her
into the ocean.

It's gonna be real pretty.
You know, I'm gonna sing a song.

-And I'll probably buy,
like, a hot dog--
-Oh, my God, you guys,

This is the restaurant
Brad was gonna take me to.

And there's his car.
[chuckles] Brad?

Oh, my God, Brad! Hi!
I'm so happy to see you.

We've been out investigating
this crazy case.

And it's been totally nuts,
but, hell, we cracked it.

So yay, us. But this is great.
I-I know we missed lunch.

But, I mean,
how about dinner?

Sorry, babe,
the line at the bar was nuts.

Honey, who's this?

Oh, uh, sorry, I'm Sarah.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Sarah.
I'm Mrs. Lawrence, Brad's wife.

Huh.

Is Sarah a friend of yours?

We just met.

I've never seen her before
in my life.

What a coincidence.

I'm seeing you for
the first time today, too.

-I say we kill him!
-Sun, just keep walking.

Think on this, babe,
in just about no time,

you and I will be chillin'
like Bob Dylan

on the beach in Croatia.

Oh, my God, do you really
think she's gonna pay it?

Oh, of course she is.
That's how much she loves me.

-Oh! Wait.
-Mm.

I didn't know Bob Dylan
went to Croatia. Fun!

Oh, get over here,
you gorgeous dingbat.

-[moans]
-[knock on door]

[Axel]
Room service!

[gasps]

I didn't know we ordered
room service, did we, babe?

Oh, when we heard
Stacy Mayfield was here,

we wanted to send this
right up,

compliments of the house.

[screams] Oh!

Oh, Jamie!

You are so busted, Doug!

Did you really think
that I'd pony up

$150,000
of my hard-earned cash?

It's not like
you don't have it!

And do you always
have to remind me

that you make
more money than me, hmm?

-It's rude.
-Oh, really?

So is that why
you're gonna run off

with some cut-rate
hoe-bag has-been?

-Hey!
-[scoffs] Turn me around!

Oh, that's right.
I said "has-been."

"Kung Fu Kitty 4"
sucked out loud,

and everyone knows it.

-Turn me back around!
-[Doug groans]

Oh, and that shit
ransom video you two made.

What'd you think,
I was some kind of idiot?

Yeah, well, I don't think this
whole head-on-a-plate thing

-was a good idea, either.
-Agreed.

Yeah, we're new at revenge.

Oh, this is the P.I. I hired.
He's Swedish.

Um, Jamie, I'm sorry.

God damn right you're sorry!

You're looking
at felony extortion, sport!

[singsong] Ingmar!

That's the other P.I. I hired.
Also Swedish.

♪ I'll take you home

♪ We'll get it Dunn

[dance music plays]

That whole thing with my ex
Brandon was so weird, you know?

That's the way
it usually is with exes.

I used to have one that sent me
a cactus every year

on Midsummer's Eve
until I told her to stop.

Yeah, he was all, you know,
"I've moved on."

And then I did exactly
what you suggested,

and it was perfect advice.

Well,
I do excel at good advice.

You know,
I was once voted

"Most Likely to Give
Good Advice" in my high school.

That, and "Best Cheekbones"
for some reason.

-Did you know that?
-[cell phone chimes]

He's, like, texting me
all the time now.

It's like he's
in love with me again.

Isn't that cray?

That is cray.

[cell phone clicking]

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna kill him
with kindness.

I'm gonna do what you said.
It was good advice.

-Mm.
-Yeah, look what I just said.

Oh-- yeah.

That's a big compliment.

That's a big compliment.

"You have giant muscles."

-[slurps]
-Good and, you know, bad...

-It's so bitter, the tea.
-[cell phone chimes]