All language subtitles for Swedish Dicks - 02x05 - Two Dicks Walk into a Bar_track3_[eng]

[Ingmar] Well,
I still don't get it.

[Axel]
It's not a big deal.

It's not a big deal
to change your name?

Well,
I just thought, like,

now we're becoming
official detectives,

I would want a cooler,
more American-sounding name.

So you went
with Floyd Calhoun.

You could have picked
something more powerful,

like Brock Stockton
or Jack Smackbird

-or Huge Jackman or Paul--
-Well--

well, okay,
that last one

is already the name
of Hugh Jackman.

And a-anyway,
it's too late.

-Okay? See?
-Yeah, I don't wanna see it.

So, let's let it go,
please.

Okay.

Well, I'm never gonna
call you Floyd.

Understood.

"Take what's mine,
and you die."

[Axel]
So, this note,

you think it's a fellow comedian
that's threatening you.

Well, it all started
when I got the headlining spot

in the showcase next week.

Some major execs are coming,

and people are really gunning
for their big break.

So what exactly
are you taking?

Well, the spotlight, of course.
No, I used to be a DJ.

So I know how the entertainment
business works.

Well, yeah, that's what
I was thinking, too.

I did a video that got
over a million hits

and now people are coming
to the Hilaritorium to see me.

So, I assume you work
with celebrities.

Yeah,
we work with celebrities.

I'm not a celebrity.
Nobody knows who Ally Green is.

I'm just internet famous.

Like, more famous than
an extreme sports fail

but less than a cat
playing piano.

Okay, Ms. Green,
we'll look into your case.

Cool, thanks, but if you could
just keep a real low profile.

I don't want people thinking
I'm causing a problem.

Oh, don't worry about it.
We'll be very discreet.

[whispers]
Very discreet.

[knock on door]

Hey, you.

-Hi.
-You busy?

[chuckles]
Are you genetically modified

to be the perfect boyfriend?

Ah, actually, you know,
I'm a robot,

and we happen to find that
slightly offensive.

[chuckles]

Aw. You didn't
have to do this.

Oh, I was just
in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd stop by
and say hi to my favorite lady.

-So, I was thinking...
-Lovely.

have you heard of this new fancy
restaurant called Oliver's?

Mm, I have.

And from what I hear,
it is very fancy indeed.

How would you like dining
at said fancy restaurant

on, say, Friday?

I think I would like that
very much.

Bleep-blop.
Bleep-bleep-bloop-bleep-bleep.

-Huh? I'm sorry.
-I was just calling back

[robotic] to being
the perfect robot boyfriend.

[normal] I'm sorry.
I'll get out of your hair.

Have a good one.

I-- I admire them.

-Who?
-Comedians.

I mean, to get up
in front of that crowd,

talk about stuff that matters
to you and try to be funny?

It takes guts.

Guts to go up on stage
and complain about your day?

And we're supposed
to pay for it? No.

No, there's a lot more to it
than just that.

Really, it's an art form.
Like sculpting marble.

Maybe not sculpting marble
because that's really difficult,

but it's more like--
it's like shaping shrubs.

But those fancy shrubs
that look like things

like dinosaurs
and flamingos.

Real entertainment
is going to a shooting range

with a six-pack
and a loaded gun.

[chuckles]

[engine starts]

I-- I don't get it!
How do airplanes fly?

-They're so heavy.
-[chuckles]

Cars aren't heavy.
Why don't they fly?

[Axel chuckles]

Huh? I suspect strings
are involved. I do. I do.

-[laughing]
-This guy gets it. Yeah!

Get them with you.
Get them with--

Whatever you're on,
pass it around, on the house.

-[yawns]
-One time I thought
I was dead, yeah.

I looked in a--
in a mirror.

I was like, "Holy crap.
I can't see my reflection."

[laughs]

Turns out,
it was just a window.

He sold it better last week.

-That joke always sucked.
-Thanks guys, thanks.

Totally.
This crowd's just easy.

-All right. Thank you.
-[scattered applause]

-Hey! Nice work, Ron.
-You think?

-Yeah!
-The-- the mirror bit
finally landed, right, babe?

[chuckles] Oh, man,
you're so funny.

That bit about the airplanes?
I always thought that.

How do they fly?
I mean, they're so heavy.

-Yeah.
-Cars can't fly.

-They're lighter, so.
-Thanks, man. Thank you.

-So you guys all regulars?
-Uh, we are,

But Ally won't be
for much longer.

Oh, stop it.
No, I'm not going anywhere.

Uh, no, he's not wrong.
You're our resident celebrity.

I've been here ten years,
but you make one YouTube clip,

and it goes viral,
and you're suddenly a star.

I'm not a star.

Put 'em together
for the star of our show,

Ally Green!

[cheers and applause]

I'm gonna get a drink.

[Ally] Hey, everybody.
Thank you so much.

-Let's hear it for Ron!
-Hi.

Yeah, no, and I do
appreciate your applause,

but I don't think
you would be applauding

if you knew that I just
crop-dusted all of you just now.

But by now you probably know
that, actually, so.

She's not that funny.

Who the hell are you?

Me? Eh, nobody.

-Comedian.
-What?

-Yeah. We both are.
-[gasps]

Actually very famous
back in Sweden.

Surprised
you haven't heard of us.

I'm-- I'm Floyd.
This is Ingmar.

Oh, that's wonderful,
but if you guys think

you're getting time
on that stage, you're crazy.

What he's trying to say
is, "Welcome."

There's an open mic tomorrow.
You guys should go up there.

Probably get more laughs
than him, so.

-[scoffs]
-Excuse us for a moment.

Do they have
Instagram filters in Heaven?

Because I don't think
they do.

Like, I think
it's just "hashtag dead."

[laughter]

What's the matter with you?
Are you crazy?

What?

You just told them
we were comedians!

Well, I had to say something.
You were dying in there.

I'm not gonna go up there
and tell a bunch of jokes

like some stupid clown!

Well, calm down.

-I'll do it.
-Yeah?

And that's gonna help us
to figure out who did it? Huh?

Who did what?

I-- he was just trying out
a new routine.

-Like--
-Yeah. Who-- who--

Who stole the cookies
from the cookie jar?

I mean, seriously,
who did it?

Just tell us
so we can stop guessing.

I don't know what your angle is,
"famous comedians from Sweden"

but I'll be really interested
to see you perform tomorrow,

see if you Swedes
are as funny as you look.

[engine starts]

Spoiler alert!
We're even funnier than we look!

Do you think that's our guy?

Absa-fruitly.

[Sun, singsong]
Bonsai!

You need love, too,
like people, oh, yes.

-I don't--
-[telephone rings]

Yeah? Who is this?

Now, is that any way to talk
to an old friend, Sunny Bunny?

If friends is all we were?

What do you want?

It turns out I may have made
a little oopsie

with regard to your pal
Floyd's paperwork.

-What do you mean?
-Well, it turns out,

he may have to go back
to Switzerland

sooner than any one of us
expected.

What are you talking about?
I trust you!

Now, cool down
that sexy fire, lovey.

You and I are gonna have
a little sit-down

and hash this out.

-What's your game, Lou?
-No game.

Just... come alone.

Yes, so, uh, yeah,
I'm gonna do standup comedy.

Yeah. [chuckles]

But, um...

you're not funny.

What do you mean?
I'm-- I'm funny.

He only needs to be funny enough
to keep up our cover.

The showcase is tomorrow,
and I'm sure this Mark

will try something tonight.

Hey, have you ever been
at the grocery store?

Oh, God,
what are you talking about?

This is what I'm gonna do
onstage.

So, you're at
the grocery store, you know,

and, uh, when you're ready
to check out,

[chuckles] you know,
when you pick a line,

it suddenly becomes
the slowest line there.

It's, like... what is that?

-[chuckles] What is that?
-What's up, people?

[laughs]
It's so funny, Floyd.

[clears throat]
Respectfully disagree.

And why do you
keep calling him Floyd?

Oh, uh, didn't I tell you?
I changed my name.

To Floyd Calhoun.

He wanted, like,
a cool American name.

And you went
with Floyd Calhoun?

Oh, it's what he wants.
We should just respect it.

So you actually want us
to call you Floyd Calhoun?

[Axel] Yes.

-Floyd... Calhoun.
-Yes.

-For real?
-Yes.

[laughs]

You arefunny, dude.
Cheers.

This whole thing with Floyd,

it's really just
a little oopsie.

[chuckles] I'm sure the--

What are you doing?
That is $13 Prosecco!

You don't make "oopsies,"
Lou.

Fine!

You see right through me.

I just don't get what
you see in that man.

What man?

-Floyd?
-Yes, Floyd!

I mean, I know he's beautiful,
like some small mountain,

Tender, like an heirloom tomato
in early August,

and sweet, like a breeze
through schnozberry bushes.

But you've always been
my girl!

[grunts]

Marry me.

Have my children.

-God, you're sexy!
-I can do this all day.

Me too. [grunting]

[Mark] All right,
party people.

We have somebody very special
coming up next,

Floyd from Sweden.

-I'll keep my eyes on Mark.
-[scattered applause]

Whoo!
So I am a comedian.

-From Sweden.
-Sweden sucks!

-[laughter]
-Oh. Unnecessary.

Oh! Lost my...

trail of, uh, thought there.

But, uh, com-- jokes!
Comedy.

For, uh--
grocery stores are funny.

You know why?
Becau-- because of the lines.

There's always--
always one line--

No, wait, no wait.
There's a coup-- no, wait.

Oh, sorry. Messed it up.

-Uh...
-This is not good.

[laughs] Ooh, brain, uh--
hello, brain.

Where are you?
Uh, calling my brain.

Eh, y-you know--
you know when you see movies

in the future,
they always have flying cars.

Why is that?

Don't they like wheels
in the future?

[laughs]
Yeah, you gotta have wheels.

I think wheels are-- are good.
I-I think it's funny.

Anyone else think it's funny?
Undecided.

How-- we--

and why is there
an "at" symbol?

It's for email, dummy!

-[laughter]
-I know it's for email.

Okay, let me explain
why this is funny.

[muffled laughter]

[Axel, faintly]
Uh, it's just two letters.

We don't need to abbreviate
them, so that's why.

I-I think it's funny.
Anyone?

You, too, huh?

Me too what?

Couldn't stand
to watch that anymore?

Man, that guy
was really not funny.

[engine starts]

Hard to watch.
Kinda made me sad.

Look out!

Ah! [grunts]

[tires screech]

[groaning]

Mark! Are you okay?!

No, my leg!
Aah! He finally did it!

What do you mean?!
What do you mean?!

[groans] My leg!

When did you find this?

Last week.

Obviously,
I didn't take it seriously.

Maybe you should have.

I should've known
you guys weren't comedians.

I mean, that was the worst
standup routine

I have ever seen
in my entire life.

Seriously. Ever.

You know, that's hurtful.

And now I regret
buying you this balloon.

Quit your crying.
You saved my life, okay?

-Yeah, we did.
-Yeah, I still can't believe

someone would try to kill me
over some stolen jokes.

-So you steal jokes.
-No, of course not.

But when you work
at a comedy club,

you're always refining
your material,

and you hear lots of other
people's work and, you know,

sometimes something slips in.

I mean, everybody does it.
Even Ally.

Ally?

Get well soon.

[grunts]

[telephone rings]

Yeah? What do you want?

I need to apologize.

Oh, fuck you! Again?!

I'm sorry, I was just
so wild with jealousy.

You're supposed to be
my number one, Sunny Bunny,

and here comes this beautiful
Swedish man-boy and...

I miss us.
We make a dynamite team.

We did, Lou.

But you a crazy
son of a bitchy,

and I just a total normal gal
trying to live my life.

Okay, then.

I'll just go.

You treat her right, Floyd!
You treat her right!

-[elevator dings]
-Anyway...

look, guys, this is crazy.

I'm not stealing
people's jokes.

Not even by accident?
Try to think.

-You might be next.
-Well, I don't know.

I mean, I guess there's a way
that some people's stuff

can seep into
your subconscious.

Like Ron's bit about
how Spiderman's

only real power is that
jizz comes out of his hands?

Or Mark's thing about
the snowflakes and how

sometimes they do look alike
and people need to get over it?

But I made that stuff my own.

That's fine by us,
but it does mean

that any comedian there
might feel robbed.

-So we have to draw them out.
-What do you mean?

Mark's in the hospital,

so that means there's
an open slot tonight.

So I'll get on stage,
and I'll steal jokes

from everybody,
and that clown,

he'll be so mad,
he'll come after me.

That would be a great idea
if you weren't

-such a shitty comedian.
-Hey--

You bombed so hard last night,
there's no way

they're gonna let you
on that showcase.

What?

-Nope.
-It's for the case, Ingmar.

-No.
-Why--

Wait. Are you afraid?

I'm not afraid of anything.

Public speaking is
the number-one fear in America.

Can you shut it?
Both of you?

If you're not gonna do it,
then I'm gonna cancel the show.

I don't wanna be
the next person in the hospital.

If, uh... you had, uh...

If-- if the world...

My dad is doing
standup comedy?

It's the only shot we have.

If the world were
to go under today--

I have to see that.
I have to come.

-That's it. I'm coming.
-Oh, I wanna come.

No. No! No, this is serious.
There's a killer on the loose.

Well, it's gonna help your cover
if you show up with friends

than being, like,
you know, a creepy loner guy.

[grunts]

Oh, Brad.
Change of plans.

My dad is doing a set
at the Hilaritorium.

[laughs] I know!
See you tonight.

[grunts angrily]

Oh, this is a bad idea.

He's so beautiful
in his own way, you know?

[laughter]

Imagine if men had periods.
God.

If men were leaking out of
their tiny, little pecker holes

once a month, we would
never hear the end of it!

"Oh, babe!
Let me just watch the game.

-I'm on my fuckin' period."

[laughter]

So, Axel, Sarah says
you're going by Floyd now.

What's that about?

Yeah, well,
I just wanted a cool name.

I love that.
Reinvent yourself, bro.

-Bring it here.
-Yeah, let's bring it here.

-So watch the fuck out.
-[laughter and applause]

Thanks, guys.

And now, a last-minute
addition to the bill.

-I can't do this.
-The most famous comedian

in all of Sweden,
which is a thing, I guess.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ingmar!

[cheers and applause]

You go get 'em, Dad!

[light laughter]

I'm sorry, but...

well, I just...
crop-dusted all of you

-on my way up here.
-[laughter]

He stole your joke.

I don't even understand
that joke.

[laughter]

This one time,
I thought I was dead.

[laughter]

Yeah, I couldn't see
my reflection...

in the mirror.

Turns out,
it was just...

a window.

[laughter]

Holy crap, your dad's funny.

Well, not thatfunny.

Imagine
that guys got periods.

Yeah, that they were leaking out
from their little pecker hole

once a month?

We would not hear
the end of it, would we?

No. "Oh, honey!
Can I just watch the game?

I'm on my fucking perio-o-d!"

[laughter]

Why is it...

Jessica! Stop.

What?

It's you.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

You're threatening
the other comics.

What?
How could you say that?

[voice breaks]
I would never do that!

Don't you think
it looks weird?

You left in the middle
of the set looking angry?

Does this look angry?

No, I...
may have misread that.

He just gets up there,
and he makes it look so easy!

Who, Ingmar?

He's such a natural,
and I'm just a hack!

[crying]

If it isn't you,
who is it?

[Ingmar]
They're so heavy.

That's all, folks.

[cheers and applause]

I don't fucking know!
God...

Thank you, everybody!
Thank you!

Shit.

Oy, geez!

Never again.

Ingmar! [grunts]

[knife clinks]

Ron?
Seriously, not cool!

I've worked on my act
for years!

I've constructed complex,
intricate jokes!

And you rip 'em off?!
[crying]

This is pathetic.

Sorry your boyfriend
tried to kill you.

Yeah, that part sucks.
[chuckles]

But I guess I'll get
a good story out of it.

[Ingmar] Yeah.

By the way,
I just crop-dusted you.

[laughs]

I still don't get that joke.

No idea what that means.

Listen, um...

you saved my life....

once again.

This one's to Floyd.