All language subtitles for Swedish Dicks - 01x06 - Tale of the Tape_track3_[eng]

[Maude, on phone] Axel,
I have been your therapist

for a long time now,

and for the first time,

I can truly say
we'’re making some progress.

Quitting being a DJ and
becoming a private investigator

was a wise move
on your part.

[Axel] I agree.

That'’s why I decided
to quit something else.

My antidepressants.

-What?!
-Yeah. I quit my meds.

Six days ago to be exact.

I don'’t approve of this,
Axel, at all.

[Axel] It just feels
like the right thing to do.

I want my mind
to be clear and sharp

when I'’m helping Ingmar
to figure out whatever
happened to his friend.

But you can'’t
just quit cold turkey.

You could suffer
serious side effects.

-What kind
of serious side effects?
-Sweating,

nausea, vomiting, diarrhea,

extreme mood swings,
hallucination,

manic depressive episodes
that could last for weeks

or months.

Sounds like
a hangover I had once.

No, I'’ll be fine.

Talk to you next week.

[indistinct music on radio]

I didn'’t know you were
taking antidepressants.

Oh, yeah.
I did for years.

You'’re always so happy.

Yeah, I know,

because I took
antidepressants.

But now I'’m off them.

Well, I couldn'’t help
but overhearing

something
about side effects.

Oh, that'’s
nothing serious.

It was just small things
like sweating,

vomiting, nausea,
diarrhea,

extreme mood shifts,
hallucinations,

manic depressive episodes.

Could last for weeks,
for months, for years.

For years?

No! Not--
not for years.

-Wait, what?
-What?

You said for years.

No. Well, yeah.

Now I'’m not sure.

I might have hallucinated
hearing her saying that,
but, uh...

In fact, I might
be hallucinating
this conversation right now.

Okay, okay, okay,
here we are.

The cameraman'’s
last known address.

[Ingmar] Those of you
who don'’t remember,

-my best friend Tex died...
-[shouting indistinctly]

-...when we were shooting
a movie

calledBlood Curse 2.

Holy shit!

You can see someone

in the reflection.

[Ingmar] The cameraman
had been shooting

some behind-the-scenes stuff,

and maybe his old footage
could explain

what really happened
to Tex that day.

Yes?

Hi. Are you Oscar?

Yes.

You used to work
as a cameraman?

Yes.

We would like to ask
you a few questions
about a...

a movie you worked on
a few years back

called Blood Curse 2.

Yeah. I remember that one.
That was...

That was the one
where the stuntman died.

Yeah.

It was a hell
of a crappy movie.

Yeah.

Some people consider it
a cult classic.

Ah.

Yeah, we were
wondering if you might

still have the tape
that you were
shooting that day?

No.

-Sorry.
-[frustrated sigh]

Yeah.

Well, I...
I have a copy.

Oh, you do?

Yes, but, um,

I have to go
dig it out of one of my...

my ten storage lockers.

That could take
a little time.

Yeah,
but when you find it,

can we have a look at it?

Sure, of course.

Yes!

-[dog barking]
-Whoo!

Ha ha!

Cameraman'’s
gonna call us!

Oh, god.
Camaraderie.

Oh, god, that smell is...

[sniffs]
Oh, that so unique.

Okay.

Whoo!

[theme music]

[elevator bell rings]

What the fuck?! You late!

Yeah,
you can blame him.

He had to stop three times
so I could throw up.

You lucky I lock client
in your office.

Otherwise, she'’d be gone.

You did what?!

I lock her in your office.

Oh, Ch--

You are...

-[squeaks]
-It'’s one thing to be late.

It'’s another
to have your assistant

lock me in this room
so I can'’t leave.

It'’s unbelievable.

Excuse me. First of all,

we apologize for being late.

Second of all,
this Sun is not our assistant.

No, she-- She just
works in the building.

Well, you two definitely
need an assistant.

Maybe then
you wouldn'’t be late.

Oh, that'’s a--
That'’s a great idea.

Yeah.
No, no, it'’s more

than a great idea.
It'’s actually--

It'’s an--
It'’s an excellent idea.

No! No, it'’s more--

It'’s more than excellent.

It'’s a combination
of the two of them.

So it'’s grexcellent.

[laughs]

So how can we help you, miss?

Um...

I own and operate
one of the most successful
pet cemeteries.

Well, it was one
of the most successful
until recently.

My main competitor has
reduced his cremation prices

to the point where he'’s taking
away all of my business.

All right, but there'’s
nothing illegal about that.

No, there'’s
nothing illegal about that,

but I suspect
he is not cremating
the animals individually

like he claims.

I think he'’s cremating them
in large groups,

which is not only illegal,

it'’s immoral and unethical.

I'’m sorry.

I'’m sorry.
It'’s just so sad.

No, don'’t you apologize.

When I think
of those soulless bastards

taking advantage
of their grieving clients
like that,

it makes me want to
break down and cry, too.

[sobbing]

Not quite like that, but...

[Ingmar]
The lady was right.

That was too strong
of a reaction.

-Well...
-And we definitely needed

an assistant.

I'’m okay.

After putting our badge
all over town,

we started our investigation.

[horns honking]

Buried or cremated?

What?

Wh-- When you die,

do you want to be
buried or cremated?

Cremated,

like a true Viking
on a burning ship

set out to the sea.

No, no, no.

No, I can'’t do that.

I-- I-- I get seasick.

Well, let me guess.
You want to get buried

because it'’s good
for the environment.

No, no, no,
I'’m not gonna be buried,

or cremated.

No?

I'’m gonna live forever.

Oh, yeah? [laughing]

No, that'’s no joke.

You know,
with today'’s advancements
in medical science,

it'’s a real possibility.

At least
for my generation.

What about mine?

No, you guys
are totally fucked.

Look out!

[tires squeal]

[whimpers]
There was a moose!

I swear I saw a moose!

Yeah!
Didn'’t you see it?

It had, like--
It had sunglasses,

and it was riding
a skateboard.

Oh.

I was hallucinating.

[exhales]
It was just a hallucination.

Okay. Okay, I'’m fine.

No worries.

[Ingmar] The plan to see
if the cemetery

was burning animals
in large groups was simple.

We pretended to be pet owners

whose beloved dog
was about to die.

Well, uh, I would
just like to say

thank you for choosing
Creature Comfort

as your pet'’s
final resting place

and to extend my warmest

and most heartfelt
condolences to you

at this time
of immense grief.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

We appreciate that.

He means a lot.

So-- so much.

Am I correct in saying
that your dearly loved pet

has not yet
left this world?

Not-- not yet.

But soon.

We think it'’s best
to be prepared.

Yeah.

That'’s a very wise move
on your part.

And what sort
of animal is he?

-He'’s a dog.
-Dove.

Dove? He'’s a--

But he'’s
a very big dove.

Oh, a... dove?

He'’s, uh, almost more
like a condor, I think.

That would be a first.

He keeps him
on a leash, actually.

We-- We call him Stu.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sir, may
I use your restroom?

Yes, by all means.
It'’s, uh, right out
that door, down the hall.

-Okay.
-Can'’t miss it, all right.

[Ingmar] And while Axel kept
the owner preoccupied,

I took a quick look
around the place.

[machinery humming]

[flames crackling]

[sizzling]

Unfortunately,
Axel had some trouble

holding up his end
of the plan.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Are you all right?

Yeah, great.

Why?

Because you'’re sweating...

a lot.

Really?

Mm.

Doesn'’t feel
like a lot, no.

Just... Ow.

My eyes are burning,

from the sweat...

that I'’m--
that I'’m not sweating.

Maybe I should get
your life partner.

No! No, please.

Please, sorry.
Just sit.

Just...

Oh.

-[vomit splashing in urn]
-Okay, that'’s it.

I'’m gonna go get him.

Sorry
I took so long.

Did I miss something?

-Well, I--
-[splashing]

[Ingmar] Well, maybe
we should leave, eh?

Please. And...

Please, take the urn
with you.

Okay. Thank you.

Okay.

Very nice office you have.

Thank you.

There'’s something fishy
about this place.

Yeah. Yeah, the fish.

-Fish?
- We have to catch the fish.

What was that, Axel?

You better get back
on your meds.

Why?

Why?
Because you'’re a mess.

It'’s affecting
our job.

[scoffs] Well,
if it'’s affecting my job,

how come I was just presented
with this barrel of gold?

It'’s not gold.

It'’s vomit.

Your vomit.

-[retching]
-[cell phone rings]

It'’s the cameraman.

-[rings, beeps]
-Hello, Oscar.

[Oscar speaking indistinctly]

That'’s great. Thank you.

He found it.

-Yes! Yes!
-[sloshing]

-No!
-No! No!

[groans]

[engine starts]

[Ingmar] Besides my car
being violated,

our overall situation
looked pretty good.

The cameraman had found
the tape,

and our first candidate
for the assistant job

had found us.

On behalf of the Dicks,

I want to apologize
for their not being here.

Everything so chaos since
last assistant "quit."

Why did you just make
air quotes around "quit"?

Oh, you saw that?

Yes.

Because you did it

right in front
of my face.

I make air quotes because
assistant not "quit."

Assistant die.

On the job?

Dicks specifically tell me
not to mention details.

Dicks also specifically
ask me to ask
specific questions, okay?

Sure.

You capable
of lifting heavy things?

I'’m strong for my size,

so I'’d say yes.

Oh, good.

Good. So you could lift
rolled-up carpet

with the weight
of dead human body inside

and, uh, throw it
in the trunk of car

and put it in the ocean?

No.

Elizabeth say no
to lifting heavy things.

Okay, next question.

You be willing
to testify in court

and swear on the Bible,

but yet lie
to protect employer?

Of course not.

Elizabeth say no
to being team player.

I'’m so-- What kinds
of questions are these?

Okay, why are you
staring at me like that?

Oh, I'’m sorry.

I-- I just thinking

how much you look
like old, dead assistant.

[Oscar]
So lucky for you,

I saved copies of everything
that I worked on.

Can we look at that?

Yes, on one condition.

You name it.

Kill me.

[ominous music]

What?

Kill me
and the tape is yours.

[in Swedish]

Sir, we don'’t understand.

I'’m old.
I'’m miserable.

I'’ve got nothing
left to live for.

You put me
out of my misery,

and I'’ll make sure
my lawyer gets
this tape to you.

So what'’s stopping me
from snatching the tape

out of your hands
right now?

That little voice
in your head that says,

"Stealing is wrong."

A louder voice
keeps telling me

that I need
that tape now.

Okay, good.
Well, then it'’s a good thing

that I listened
to the voice in my head,

which told me to bring this.

-Hey.
-Now, come on, guys,

what'’s the big deal?

All you have to do
is sneak in at night

and put a pillow
over my head.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'’am,
I'’m dead.

[sobbing]

Okay, okay,
how about this?

How about you tell me
why you want to see this tape,

and I'’ll tell you
whether it'’s worth
killing me for it.

The stuntman that died
on that very day

was my best friend,

and they blamed me
for his death.

I think there might be
something on that tape

that proves my innocence.

All right,
I can honestly say

you'’ll want to see
what'’s on this tape.

Kill me, and it'’s yours.

[Ingmar]
What would you do

to get what you wanted?

[horn blares]

A simple question

with a sometimes deadly answer.

[creaks]

[snoring]

[ominous music]

I told you
not to go off your meds.

[screaming]

[whimpering]

You damn cowards!

No!

[Ingmar] I just want
to say thank you.

For what?
I didn'’t do anything.

If you hadn'’t screamed,
I would have killed him.

Oh, there'’s a dog!

I'’m serious!
I would--

-Look! Stop!
-[brakes screech]

-Ah.
-[music playing on stereo]

Oh, shit!

Almost killed a dog.

That'’s it!

We'’ll kill a dog!

What do you mean
we'’ll kill a dog?

We kill a dog, and we--

we plant something in it,

something that doesn'’t burn.

[laughs] And if--
and if it'’s not there
when it'’s cremated,

we know they'’re cheating.

That'’s
a really fucked-up idea,

but, actually,
a pretty good one.

Yeah. Maybe going off my meds
is finally starting to pay off.

I don'’t think
we even have to kill it.

Look at that poor bastard.

We can just take it
back to the office

and wait for it to die.

Yeah?

[in Swedish]

[whines]

I do it.

I kill dog.

Then maybe you
make me assistant.

You want to be
our assistant?

Yeah. And I prove you
how much... now.

[speaking foreign language]

Oh, fuck!

Shit! Fuck!

I make terrible assistant!

Terrible!

[in Swedish]

[somber orchestral music]

[Ingmar]
The dog didn'’t fall

into its eternal sleep
that night.

Actually,
it didn'’t sleep at all.

-[dog howling]
-It howled.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Can you please stop howling?

I need to sleep.

-[howling]
-Okay?

He lonely.

What old dogs do
when they lonely,

they howl.

How can he be lonely
when I'’m here with him?

Not enough.

He want connection, like this.

[baby voice]
Yeah.

[speaking foreign language]

Gee.

-You see?
-Yeah, that'’s good.

Very good, dog.
You dirty

You so dirty. Oh.

Thank you, Sun.

I need you here.
Bah bah bah bah bah.

[laughing]

Sorry about before,

being total
freakin'’ bitch witch.

Well, if you wanted
to be our assistant,

you could just say so.

I no want to be your assistant.

I just want you ask.

Okay, I get it.

Connection, huh?

Yeah, connection.

But not in sexy way.

Oh, no, no, no, no,

that'’s not
what I was thinking.

Good. Because you can'’t
handle what I got.

Good night.

Wow.

You'’re quiet now, pal.

[Ingmar] Connection.

Maybe that'’s
what we'’re all looking for.

Now what, scaredy cats?

You couldn'’t even
help an old--

[Ingmar]
Including Oscar.

Who is this?

Hello, pretty girl.

Hi there.

Oh, you'’re so sweet.
Can I hold her?

Yeah.
You know what?

You can keep her.

[Ingmar]
Being with someone

could be better than being
by yourself.

Thank you.

But, unfortunately,
without the dog,

we had no animal to burn,

so how could we prove
the pet cemetery owner

was a criminal?

[in Swedish]

No, no,
it'’s hot like this!

Last chance!

Wait! [screaming]

Oh, get me back!

[click]

I-- I did it.
I'’m guilty.

I did everything
that I'’m accused of,

and I regret that
for a long time,

I cremated my customers'’
beloved pets in large groups.

[sobbing]

Thank you
for this evidence.

It should bring
justice to the market,

and, uh, it could definitely
put Carl behind bars.

Course, it also could
be used as a motivation

for a business agreement.

Partnership, if you will.

I mean, let'’s face it,

Carl made a shitload of money
cremating pets in large groups.

So this is
a perfect reason for Carl

to give me 80%
of his business.

What-- What
about all your talk
about morality and

ethics?

I believe in those things.

For instance, I believe
in the ethics

of client confidentiality,

strongly.

So strongly, in fact,

that if I ever hear

that you have told anyone
about this conversation,

well, let'’s face it,

little doggies won'’t be
the only thing I'’m cremating.

Am I clear?

[Ingmar] With the case
out of the way,

it was time to watch
the tape Oscar gave me.

[man shouting
indistinctly]

[in Swedish]

[Ingmar]
That woman was the girlfriend

of a low-level Russian mobster
named Dimitri.

He was a total psychopath.

At that point,
I was convinced

it wasn'’t the stunt
that had killed Tex.

It was Dimitri.

[tires screech, crash]

And now all I needed to do
was prove it.

[theme music]

[Axel]
No, you were right.

Going off my meds
was a huge mistake.

Please, just give me
my prescription back.

I can'’t do that.

No, you have to.

I rea-- I can'’t do this.

[Maude] I'’m sorry, Axel,
but I really can'’t.

Why not?

Because we'’re not actually
having this conversation.

-We'’re not?
-How could we be?

You'’re not even talking
into a phone.

[Axel]
Then what am I talking into?

-A bra.
-A bra?

Is-- [sighs]

-[click]
-Don'’t you hang up on me!

[theme music]