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{\an8}[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
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{\an8}♪ ♪
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{\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪
4
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,307
{\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
5
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,436
{\an8}♪ But this is one thing
I'm sure of ♪
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00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:23,064
{\an8}♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
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{\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
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{\an8}[upbeat music]
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{\an8}♪ ♪
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{\an8}- The other night I was out
at a basketball game
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{\an8}with my whole family.
- Right.
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00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:42,042
{\an8}- And I only asked this guy in
front of me to just sit down
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00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:46,004
{\an8}a bit so I could see,
and he beat me unmercifully.
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{\an8}He beat me very badly
and my hairpiece fell off.
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{\an8}[laughter]
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{\an8}And it was awful,
because when he beat me,
17
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,512
{\an8}my teeth were also
in my hairpiece.
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00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:55,680
{\an8}[laughter]
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00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,015
{\an8}Oh, man.
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{\an8}The Jerky Boys are
like the greatest
21
00:00:58,475 --> 00:00:59,642
{\an8}living comedy geniuses.
22
00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:01,019
{\an8}I know.
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00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,729
{\an8}It's like the
telephone was just
24
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,564
{\an8}sitting there for 100 years
and it took these two guys--
25
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:05,815
{\an8}both: To figure out
what it was for.
26
00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:08,068
{\an8}See, yeah, you understand.
You understand.
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{\an8}All right.
I gotta take a leak.
28
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{\an8}Oh, shit.
29
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{\an8}Oh, fuck.
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{\an8}Clive, 2 o'clock.
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{\an8}He follows you in there,
you're a dead man.
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{\an8}This is bad.
33
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,203
{\an8}I really got to go.
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{\an8}You saw me down that
Capri Sun at lunch.
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{\an8}I know.
You were sucking that straw
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00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,415
{\an8}like it promised you
a modeling contract.
37
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:23,625
{\an8}But Johnny, you got to hold it.
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{\an8}It's not safe
to hold your pee.
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{\an8}You got to do it, man.
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{\an8}Just think about baseball.
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{\an8}That's not how it works.
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{\an8}Think about your dad
coming out of the bedroom
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{\an8}naked on a weekend.
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{\an8}What the fuck?
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{\an8}With his hog hanging
out of his robe
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{\an8}waving like a bat sleeping
through an earthquake.
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{\an8}Shut the fuck up, all right?
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{\an8}Just follow me in there
and stand guard.
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{\an8}All right.
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{\an8}[sneaky music]
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{\an8}♪ ♪
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{\an8}All right, go on,
get to peeing.
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{\an8}All right,
just watch the door.
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{\an8}OK.
55
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{\an8}- Shit.
- Go on, hurry up.
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00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,290
{\an8}I can't, all right?
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{\an8}There's another guy in here
and I'm pee shy.
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{\an8}Jesus Christ.
Hey dude, do you mind?
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00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:08,962
{\an8}My buddy's self conscious.
60
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,255
{\an8}Yeah, I thought he might
be having some trouble
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{\an8}when I didn't hear anything.
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{\an8}I just want you to know, you
take all the time you need to.
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{\an8}I won't judge.
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{\an8}Oh, here we go.
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{\an8}Thank you.
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{\an8}That is all the thanks
I need.
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{\an8}[urinal whooshes]
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{\an8}Wait.
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{\an8}Jesus?
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{\an8}All right.
It's OK.
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{\an8}Everything's going to be OK.
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{\an8}Oh shit, he's here.
Wrap it up.
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{\an8}That's not how it works.
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{\an8}Hey, look who's here.
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{\an8}It's Bennett.
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{\an8}And he's got his little
boyfriend with him.
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{\an8}[laughter]
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{\an8}All right, Clive,
what if I am his boyfriend?
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{\an8}What if we are
having an affair?
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{\an8}I can satisfy him in a way
you never could.
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Oof!
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Better be careful, Bennett.
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You wouldn't want to slip!
84
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:04,934
Yeah.
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00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,144
Nice going, Bennett.
86
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,354
Pee much?
87
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,606
[laughter]
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00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,359
Why don't you go ask
your mother's face?
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Oh Jesus, I am so sorry.
90
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,529
That was so over the line.
91
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,531
What the fuck, dude?
That's sick.
92
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,283
It was out of my mouth
before I knew what it was.
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Kind of like your mother.
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Oh, my God,
what is wrong with me?
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I am so sorry.
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I deserve what's
about to happen to me.
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Yeah, no shit.
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[laughter]
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Drink up, asshole.
- Oh shit.
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Wait, no, not the toilet.
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I'm not supposed to get wet.
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It said so on my tag!
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[toilet flushing]
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[laughter]
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Teddy.
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Teddy?
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Well, the joke's on us,
Johnny.
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Pipes don't go anywhere.
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The kids are just flushing them
back and forth all day.
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Yuck.
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If you have a problem,
if no one else can help,
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and if you can find them,
maybe you can hire the A-Team.
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[adventurous music]
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♪ ♪
115
00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:08,456
I've seen this
episode before.
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It's a good one.
117
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,084
How can you watch that shit?
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It's just car chases
and blowing stuff up.
119
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Why did you just
say two good things
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00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,423
as if they're two bad things?
121
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,549
Give us a break, Blaire.
Jesus.
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00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,259
We had a hard day.
123
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,927
And this show is
very educational.
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We're learning about the
struggles of Vietnam veterans
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and how to turn a wood chipper
into a cannon
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00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,058
that shoots cabbages.
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00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:31,730
Matty, Dr. Frankel called
when you were at work today.
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00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,441
He says you're overdue
for a colonoscopy.
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00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,109
Yeah, I'm not
getting one of those.
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He says it's important.
131
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- That guy's a quack.
- No, he's not.
132
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He's very smart.
133
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,450
Not all Jewish doctors
are smart, Susan.
134
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,743
That's one of
those stereotypes.
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Wow.
136
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,620
Even when you're technically
on the right side,
137
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,748
you still find
a way to ruin it.
138
00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:50,832
What?
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00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,625
I just said they're
not all smart.
140
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:54,502
Some of them Hebrews are
just in it for the money.
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00:04:54,502 --> 00:04:56,504
That is beyond
fucking offensive.
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00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,132
Sorry.
Hebrews and Shebrews.
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Honey, it's a routine test.
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You're sedated the whole time.
145
00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:05,972
It wasn't so bad when I did it.
146
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,474
What?
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00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,059
When the hell did you
have a colonoscopy?
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00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:11,895
Last year when I was
having my tummy troubles.
149
00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:14,272
- Where was I?
- You drove me.
150
00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:15,857
No, I didn't.
151
00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:18,485
Well, I had you drop me off
across the street at the mall.
152
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I didn't want to worry you.
153
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:21,946
And plus
you needed undershirts,
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00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:24,115
and Jordan Marsh
was having a sale.
155
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,992
This is hilarious.
156
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,328
You're afraid of a procedure
Aunt Sue's got done
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without even telling you.
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I don't remember
picking you up.
159
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- I walked home.
- She walked home.
160
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It's just a couple of miles.
161
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:37,545
Couldn't feel my legs anyway,
162
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so it didn't matter
if my pumps got slushy.
163
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,717
Well, Matty, it's your move.
164
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:45,637
My move is
I'm getting a beer.
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My results were negative.
166
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,892
Oh gosh, he seems so worried.
167
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:55,021
Man, I wish
the A-Team was real.
168
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,440
That way we could hire him
to beat the shit out of Clive.
169
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,858
Who's Clive?
170
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,361
This fucking goon
at school who picks on us.
171
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,238
Is that Muriel's son Clive?
172
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,573
I don't know, is Muriel's son
a sadistic steroid bully
173
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,158
with a pee fetish?
174
00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,827
Oh, that poor boy.
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00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:11,037
He doesn't have a father,
you know.
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00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,080
Huh?
177
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,498
Oh yeah,
he walked out on Muriel
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00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,792
before Clive was even born.
179
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:18,545
It's probably why
he's so unhappy.
180
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,380
It's a classic
defense mechanism.
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Hurt people hurt people.
182
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,591
Wait, wait, wait,
are you saying
183
00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:26,219
Clive is a bastard child?
184
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,096
His mother is so sweet.
185
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Must be hard.
186
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,393
Johnny, we have been
blessed with information
187
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,103
we can weaponize.
188
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,229
What do you mean?
189
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:40,066
What would the Jerky Boys do?
190
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,443
All right, found it.
191
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:45,155
555-3816.
[keypad beeping]
192
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:48,700
Oh, we are going to fuck
this guy's head up so bad.
193
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,161
[line trilling]
194
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,706
Hello?
195
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:57,459
Clive, this is your father.
196
00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:59,753
- What?
- I'm your father.
197
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,921
I abandoned you
when you were a baby.
198
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,591
Sorry about that.
I had a rough day.
199
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,718
Dad, is this really you?
200
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,094
Yes, Clive.
201
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:11,681
This is so totally
fucking your dad.
202
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,934
[laughs] Dad, I knew
you'd call someday.
203
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,645
Mom said you wouldn't,
but I just knew it.
204
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:19,314
Where are you?
205
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,316
I mean, can I meet you?
206
00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:22,609
Holy shit, he wants to meet.
207
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,361
This is fucking classic.
208
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,988
- What do I say?
- Say yes.
209
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,907
Tell him to meet you
at Friendly's tomorrow.
210
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:32,369
Yeah, sure, be at Friendly's
tomorrow after school.
211
00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:35,038
And wear a sailor suit.
212
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,623
A sailor suit?
213
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,541
Yeah, I spent some time
in the Navy,
214
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,794
so it's sentimental
for me, you know.
215
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,588
I fought in the war.
- Whoa. Which one?
216
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,048
You got that right,
my friend.
217
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,591
I don't like talking
about it though,
218
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,343
especially in specifics.
219
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:49,844
Man, that's so cool.
220
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:52,472
And I mean a real
sailor suit, all right?
221
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,140
Like the kid on the
Cracker Jack box.
222
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,476
But where do
I get a sailor suit?
223
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,936
You back talking me?
224
00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:00,438
See, this smart mouth attitude
is exactly why I left.
225
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,274
Sorry. No, I'm sorry, Dad.
No, I'll do it. I promise.
226
00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:04,818
That's more like it.
227
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,403
Tell him to say ahoy.
228
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,988
Oh yeah, and say ahoy
to people when you get there.
229
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:11,950
OK.
Dad, I can't wait to meet you.
230
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,702
Yeah, get those hopes
sky high, buddy.
231
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:14,869
I love you--
232
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,496
Oh, my God, that was
fucking amazing.
233
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,831
That was great.
234
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,165
Well, we got to be there
when he shows up.
235
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,167
Totally.
Wait, wait, no, no, we can't.
236
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,211
He'll see us and
he'll kick our asses.
237
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,171
No, he won't.
238
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:27,007
This was good.
This was a good plan.
239
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,175
OK, now as far
as anyone knows,
240
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,178
we're two ad executives on
a business trip from Hartford
241
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,597
looking for some local talent.
- Right.
242
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,307
Hey, keep these
milkshakes coming, huh?
243
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:39,019
- Sure thing.
- You know, we're celebrating.
244
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,688
Just landed a big account.
Bounty.
245
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,440
It's a very famous paper towel.
246
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,358
Yep.
I use them every day.
247
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,568
Oh, terrific.
248
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,861
Well, you know,
originally the slogan
249
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,946
was supposed to be the
"quicker picker upper,"
250
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:53,033
but we added the word
"thicker quicker picker upper."
251
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,951
Bought a summer house
with that one adjective.
252
00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:56,870
- Congratulations.
- Yeah.
253
00:08:56,870 --> 00:09:01,207
My wife's miles away, even
when we're in the same room.
254
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,084
You know,
255
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:07,130
she hasn't let me touch her
since the miscarriage.
256
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:10,467
I'll be back
with your Fribbles.
257
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,135
The fuck was that?
258
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:14,054
What do you mean?
I'm just rolling with the area.
259
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,847
That was fucking sad, dude.
260
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,432
Oh, forgive me for trying
to add a little gravity
261
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:19,017
into the backstory, all right?
I mean, why are we traveling?
262
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,769
Gravity?
I want to slit my wrist.
263
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,062
So you get to be
Mr. Thicker Picker Upper
264
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,480
and I got nothing to
work with over here?
265
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,065
Sorry, did you
want sprinkles?
266
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,317
We picked out a name.
The room was painted.
267
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,360
Calm down.
268
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:29,694
No, no,
that's what everyone says.
269
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,321
I get to grieve.
270
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:34,866
[doorbell jingles]
- Oh, my God, look.
271
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,577
Ahoy.
272
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,872
- Holy shit.
- He fucking wore it.
273
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,166
Yeah.
Fix your kerchief.
274
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:46,127
There you go.
Now you're a proper seaman.
275
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,754
- All right. You ready?
- Yep.
276
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,839
I'm going in.
277
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,801
Oh, maybe don't talk to
the waitress while I'm gone.
278
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,344
Just fucking go.
279
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,268
[phone ringing]
280
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,229
- Good afternoon, Friendly's.
- Yeah, hi.
281
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:05,438
I need you to deliver
a message
282
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,815
to one of your customers.
283
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,983
Dumb looking guy
dressed like an idiot.
284
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,569
Sir, this is Friendly's.
Can you be more specific?
285
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,780
The kid in the sailor suit.
286
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,411
This is his dad.
I got a message for him.
287
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,666
I have a message for you
from your dad.
288
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:28,378
He says he's not coming because
you're a disappointment to him
289
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,422
and he's glad he left,
290
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:35,301
and he likes his adopted
Korean kids better.
291
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:38,179
Sorry.
292
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:43,685
[sobbing]
293
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,658
[doorbell jingles]
294
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,786
[continues sobbing]
295
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:09,336
[wailing]
296
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:13,048
Man, this is way sadder
than the miscarriage.
297
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,925
His name was going
to be Lawrence.
298
00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,517
[mellow music]
299
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:29,105
♪ ♪
300
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,524
You know, I still feel really
shitty about yesterday.
301
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,068
Yeah, me too.
302
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:35,362
It's almost like Clive's
an actual human being,
303
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,946
with a heart.
304
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,531
Well, you know, I'm sure
it's going to be fine.
305
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,701
Hey, did you guys hear?
Clive tried to kill himself.
306
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,036
Holy shit.
307
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,580
He ate an entire bottle
of Flintstones vitamins.
308
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,040
Even the Bettys.
309
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,793
Did he--did he say
why he did it?
310
00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:52,045
Who cares?
I never felt more free.
311
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,880
Now I can wear my
Ace Of Base shirt
312
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,716
without getting my ass kicked.
313
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,551
Shit, Teddy.
What are we going to do?
314
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,136
It's out of our hands.
315
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,721
If he wants to wear the shirt,
he's going to wear the shirt.
316
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,390
No, no, I mean,
this is our fault.
317
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,684
If Clive wasn't an idiot,
he'd be dead right now.
318
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:07,394
All right.
OK. You know what?
319
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:08,561
We can fix this.
320
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,022
- Nice shirt, queer.
- Oh!
321
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:14,609
Hm, nature abhors a vacuum.
322
00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,653
- OK, you ready?
- Yeah.
323
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,238
Hang on. Hang on one sec.
324
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,365
We got a boy's heart
in our hands here.
325
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:24,202
I want to make sure
I got my wits about me.
326
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:26,246
[inhales]
327
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,831
[coughs]
328
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,916
All right, I'm good.
Call him.
329
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,002
[keypad beeping]
330
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:35,130
[line trilling]
331
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:40,051
- Hello?
- Hey Clive.
332
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,845
It's your dad.
333
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,972
You done barfing up Bamm-Bamms?
334
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,557
Leave me alone.
335
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:46,933
Wait, wait, just hang on.
Hang on.
336
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,601
I want to apologize.
337
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,812
I'm sorry about not
showing up yesterday.
338
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,272
Then why did you do it?
339
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,607
And why did you
leave that message?
340
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:55,692
It was a test.
341
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,111
It was a test
of your manhood.
342
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,613
And you passed
with flying colors.
343
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,992
You said you liked your
adopted Korean kids better.
344
00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,326
Oh, yeah.
345
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,871
Well, you know,
I don't have them anymore.
346
00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:09,122
You don't?
347
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,498
No, it seemed like
a cool idea at the time,
348
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,125
but it was costing me
a shitload,
349
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:16,338
so I had to release them back
into the wild.
350
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:19,174
But that's why you are
so important to me, Clive.
351
00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:21,426
That's why our relationship
is so important.
352
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:23,636
Well then,
can I meet you for real?
353
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,472
Yes.
354
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:26,681
Eventually. Eventually.
355
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,309
But right now,
I'm kind of busy with work.
356
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,144
- What do you do?
- What do I do?
357
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,104
Ad exec trying to have kids?
358
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,647
Jesus, what the fuck is it
with you with that--
359
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:38,276
I'm a soldier of fortune in
the Los Angeles underground.
360
00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:39,486
Whoa.
361
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,071
Yeah, me and these
other crack commandos
362
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,990
fight injustice from our van.
363
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,992
That's so cool.
364
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,535
Yeah, if people
have a problem
365
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:50,080
and if no one else can help
and if you can find us,
366
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:53,249
maybe you can hire
me and my friends.
367
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,293
That's kind of like our slogan.
368
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,129
Wow.
My dad has a van.
369
00:13:58,129 --> 00:14:02,008
Yeah, anyway, I'll keep
in touch and do good in school.
370
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:04,260
[scoffs]
I suck at school.
371
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,471
I have a math test tomorrow
I'm probably going to fail.
372
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:07,722
Oh, come on.
373
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,849
I bet you're smarter at math
than you think.
374
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:14,312
Like OK, like, if a bully beats
up 10 kids for their sexuality
375
00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:16,398
and 20% of them
are in the choir
376
00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:19,526
so they get extra beatings,
how many go to the hospital?
377
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,612
Um, two.
378
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:27,033
Guess what, Mr. I Can't?
You just did math.
379
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,868
I'll talk to you later.
[keypad beeps]
380
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,578
I think we fixed it.
381
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:31,746
Yeah, I think so too.
382
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:32,872
I feel really good right now.
383
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,582
- I feel so good.
- We're good people.
384
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,876
Yeah, if he kills himself
now, it's from other stuff.
385
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:40,797
[school bell ringing]
386
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:44,968
[chatter]
387
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,928
Why were these burgers
just, like,
388
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:48,555
sitting in a tray of water?
389
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,973
Yeah, I don't know why
they do that.
390
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,224
Yeah, every time
it's burger day,
391
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,435
there they are,
just sitting in water.
392
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:54,978
I don't know.
It seems normal.
393
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:57,647
Have the guys over, water up
some burgers, watch the game.
394
00:14:57,647 --> 00:14:58,940
Hey, you know what's weird?
395
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,275
What?
396
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:02,485
I've been, like,
thinking about Clive.
397
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:04,404
- Yeah, me too.
- You have?
398
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,531
Yeah, like I've actually
been wondering
399
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,241
how he did on that test.
400
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,452
Me too.
It's fucked up, right?
401
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,120
It's like I actually
give a shit about him.
402
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,581
Johnny, look.
403
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,002
I don't know why he hangs out
with those boys.
404
00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:21,212
They're a bad influence.
405
00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:22,422
I think Coach Johnson...
406
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,591
Holy shit.
I think that's his test.
407
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,052
Wait, don't look,
don't look, don't look now.
408
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:28,595
- What does it say?
- I don't know.
409
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,722
There's a grade on the front,
but I can't see it.
410
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,724
We got to get a closer look.
411
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:36,978
That sounds really tough.
412
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:38,688
[chatter]
413
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:42,901
They know how to make corn
and they don't touch it.
414
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,444
What the fuck do you want,
Bennett?
415
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,613
Nothing. Nothing.
You know, I'm just--
416
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,114
I'm just--I'm just
walking around.
417
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,783
You know how I be.
- Yeah?
418
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,034
[laughter]
419
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:52,702
Eat a dick, asshole.
420
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,247
C+.
421
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,665
[gasps]
He passed.
422
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:58,750
He passed.
423
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,627
Oh, my God,
I knew he could do it.
424
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,171
Great job, buddy.
425
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:05,507
Our little genius.
426
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:09,177
♪ ♪
427
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,179
Matty, you can't
keep putting it off.
428
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,806
Yes, I can.
It's my body.
429
00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,099
But the doctor said--
430
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:17,102
I don't care what
the doctor says.
431
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,645
I'm not doing it.
432
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:22,941
If you ask me one more time,
I'm going to stay at a motel.
433
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:25,694
Matty, why are you
so resistant to a colonoscopy?
434
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:27,320
Oh Christ, not you too.
435
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,531
Look, I know it's scary
to think about
436
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,533
what they might find,
but early detection is--
437
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,743
You think
I'm worried about cancer?
438
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,413
You get cancer,
you don't have to pay taxes.
439
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,164
I don't think that's true.
440
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,666
Not if liberals
have their way.
441
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,793
All I'm saying is,
get your cancer now.
442
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:45,171
Look, cut the shit
and just tell me the truth.
443
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,799
Why won't you get
the colonoscopy?
444
00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:53,888
When they put you under,
you're not in control.
445
00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:55,223
All right?
446
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:58,435
You can say some shit
and not even remember it.
447
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:00,103
I don't want to say stuff.
448
00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:01,312
Jesus.
449
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:02,772
There's things
you're not saying?
450
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:05,734
I just--I don't want anybody
to find out my secrets.
451
00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:06,735
What secrets?
452
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:07,986
I got secrets.
453
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,320
OK, well,
what the fuck do you care
454
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,488
what some doctor
thinks of them?
455
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:12,157
Doctors talk.
This is a small town.
456
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,658
I don't want to
ruin my reputation.
457
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,785
You're banned
from Dunkin' Donuts.
458
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:18,705
Listen to me.
You got to do this. OK?
459
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,582
You catch colon cancer
too late, you're dead.
460
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:22,292
You'd be leaving John and Suze
on their own.
461
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,544
You really want to do that?
462
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,840
All right.
I'll go in there.
463
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,050
Great.
464
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,010
But you got to go with me.
465
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,845
- To your colonoscopy?
- Yeah.
466
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:34,929
Why?
467
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:36,389
Because when
they drug me up,
468
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,224
if I start saying anything
about Vietnam,
469
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,559
you got to make a lot of noise.
470
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,227
Why?
What happened in Viet--
471
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:44,230
La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Like that.
472
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,231
You got it?
- Mm-mm.
473
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,067
No, you don't.
Let's practice.
474
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,194
It's me.
Here's the doctor.
475
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:52,947
Hey Doc, this one time
in Vietnam--
476
00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,157
right, that's you.
477
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:55,742
La, la, la, la.
478
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,202
No, you got to be
louder and faster.
479
00:17:57,202 --> 00:17:59,829
Come on. Again.
One time in Vietnam, Doc--
480
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,414
- La, la, la, la, la.
- Keep going.
481
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,665
One time in Vietnam.
482
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:03,708
Louder.
483
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:05,543
One time in Vietnam.
Keep going.
484
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,087
Keep going.
- I'm fucking trying.
485
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:08,213
There was this
one time in Vietnam.
486
00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,339
Keep going.
487
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,924
I'm about to spill my secrets!
488
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:14,260
What is going on in here?
489
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,262
I'll get the colonoscopy.
490
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,056
You will?
491
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:20,016
Oh, thank God.
492
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,351
[laughs]
493
00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:24,604
Oh, I feel like it's Christmas.
494
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,273
I just want this family
to know that from here on out,
495
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:30,151
I'm going for
full-on alcoholism.
496
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,034
Hey, am I crazy?
497
00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,328
I kind of want to call Clive
and tell him he did good.
498
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:41,955
I know.
Me too.
499
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:44,749
I mean, he obviously studied
so hard for that test.
500
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,126
Yeah, he should know
his dad's proud of him.
501
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:47,460
Yeah.
502
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,712
But, but, but, do we want
to send the message
503
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,088
that all we care about
is grades?
504
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:51,798
Well, I mean, he can't
live up to our expectations
505
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,216
if we don't set any.
506
00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,552
Yeah, but I want him to
do well for him, not for us.
507
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,303
- Let's just call him.
- OK.
508
00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,974
[keypad beeping]
509
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:04,060
[line trilling]
510
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,186
Hello?
511
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,313
Hey Clive.
It's your dad.
512
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,149
Dad.
Hey, guess what?
513
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,859
I totally aced that test.
514
00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:12,402
I got a C+.
515
00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:14,154
Well, how about that?
516
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:15,363
Good for you, champ.
517
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:16,823
That's great.
518
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,159
That's not really ace,
but wow, good job.
519
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:20,618
Hey, I know
you're busy and all,
520
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:23,288
but my birthday's
coming up on Saturday
521
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:26,833
and I was wondering
if maybe I could see you.
522
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:31,338
Ah, yeah, sorry pal,
I got a work thing.
523
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:34,007
I just wish I could
meet you just once.
524
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:35,342
I know.
Me too.
525
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:36,843
But it's an important mission.
526
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,887
We found a terrorist base
under the roller rink,
527
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,930
so we're going undercover
as coke dealers.
528
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,767
And if we find love along
the way, we'll take it.
529
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:44,934
Oh.
530
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,145
But hey,
maybe next year, huh?
531
00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:49,356
Yeah, sure.
532
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,899
And great job on that test.
533
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,525
All right,
I'll talk to you later.
534
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:56,363
Bye, Dad.
[line clicks]
535
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,698
Man, I feel really bad
letting him down again.
536
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,283
Yeah, we got to
make it up to him.
537
00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:01,785
You know what?
538
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:05,288
His dad needs to send him
a really great birthday gift.
539
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:08,291
[bright music]
540
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:13,380
♪ ♪
541
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,923
Oh, what about this?
542
00:20:14,923 --> 00:20:16,383
Sega Genesis.
543
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,051
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Why not?
544
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:19,552
I'm just worried he's going
to spend all day in his room
545
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,221
instead of playing outside.
546
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:22,389
What about a baseball glove?
547
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:23,765
He doesn't like
playing sports.
548
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,225
Well, that doesn't mean
we shouldn't encourage it.
549
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:26,935
Baseball's your dream,
not his.
550
00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:29,479
- Oh, my fucking God.
- Look, it's his 17th birthday.
551
00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:30,605
He'll be an adult soon.
552
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,023
We don't have many
of these left.
553
00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:33,733
I just feel like you're
always trying to spoil him.
554
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,068
You know, you can't
buy his affections.
555
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,528
- I am not trying to buy his--
- Yes, you are.
556
00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:38,113
You're trying to
buy his affections
557
00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:39,489
because you're never at home.
- You're too strict with him.
558
00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:40,740
You always have been.
559
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:41,950
Well, somebody has
to be the bad cop.
560
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:43,743
And frankly, I feel like
it's shitty of you
561
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,328
to always dump that on me.
- You know what?
562
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:46,746
None of this shit
matters anyway,
563
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,040
because we only got 20 bucks.
- Oh yeah, you're right.
564
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,542
What are we going to do?
565
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:52,585
Where's the menswear?
566
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,879
OK, that's good.
Get ready.
567
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,340
OK, now turn right.
- This is so fucking stupid.
568
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,175
Why don't I just
wear the coat myself?
569
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,593
Extra height, Johnny.
570
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:03,096
When you're tall,
people assume you're in charge.
571
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,432
Hey, why don't you go ahead and
take the rest of the day off?
572
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:08,435
Wow, thank you,
tall supervisor.
573
00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:10,186
- See?
- OK, which way am I going?
574
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:12,022
All right, straight for a bit
then you're going to turn.
575
00:21:12,022 --> 00:21:13,940
Talk louder.
Your feet are blocking my ears.
576
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,608
Hard left, hard left,
hard left!
577
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:16,901
Jesus.
What the fuck was that?
578
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,445
Go straight.
Just go straight.
579
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:19,571
Well, fucking tell me
when I'm going to bump
580
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,072
into something--fucking A!
- Watch out!
581
00:21:21,072 --> 00:21:23,241
- C'mon, you got to warn me.
- OK, it's good. It's good.
582
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:24,534
We're good for a minute.
- My head hurts.
583
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:25,618
Oh, this is going
to be a problem.
584
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,454
Fuck, shit.
- The fuck is that?
585
00:21:27,454 --> 00:21:28,955
- Don't go that way.
- Can I turn around?
586
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,707
Oh shit.
[overlapping shouting]
587
00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:32,125
Sideways.
- Which sideways?
588
00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:34,085
Go sideways.
[both yelp]
589
00:21:37,714 --> 00:21:40,342
Excellent work.
You can take your lunch now.
590
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:48,725
Look, we weren't even
stealing it for us. OK?
591
00:21:48,725 --> 00:21:50,185
We were stealing it for a kid
who doesn't have a dad.
592
00:21:50,185 --> 00:21:52,145
And that's not even
really shoplifting, right?
593
00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:53,646
[scoffs]
Nice try.
594
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,106
You boys are in
big time trouble.
595
00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:56,608
I'm going to need your
parents' phone numbers.
596
00:21:56,608 --> 00:21:58,318
My parents are out of town.
597
00:21:58,318 --> 00:21:59,486
I don't have parents
on account of
598
00:21:59,486 --> 00:22:01,071
I'm a Teddy bear
that came alive.
599
00:22:01,071 --> 00:22:03,365
All right, look,
it's really important to us
600
00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:05,742
that we help this kid, OK?
601
00:22:05,742 --> 00:22:07,786
Haven't you ever had something
that was just really,
602
00:22:07,786 --> 00:22:09,079
really important to you,
something that you'd
603
00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:10,705
do anything to make happen?
604
00:22:10,705 --> 00:22:13,375
Like maybe you wanted to be the
best security guard in Boston.
605
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:14,709
[scoffs]
No.
606
00:22:14,709 --> 00:22:17,337
No, I never wanted to
be a security guard.
607
00:22:17,337 --> 00:22:19,172
I really wanted to be an actor.
608
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:20,382
Oh wow.
609
00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:22,801
Oh, this just got
so much worse.
610
00:22:22,801 --> 00:22:25,345
Acting is my real passion.
611
00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:27,222
When I was in my 20s,
612
00:22:27,222 --> 00:22:30,016
I did this community
theater production on "Pippin."
613
00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:32,686
And when the show ended,
I found out
614
00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:36,147
that John Rubinstein
was in the audience.
615
00:22:36,147 --> 00:22:37,607
- Oh, my God.
- Oh wow.
616
00:22:37,607 --> 00:22:39,609
Who was, of course,
the original Pippin.
617
00:22:39,609 --> 00:22:40,610
- I was about to say.
- That's the guy.
618
00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:41,695
That's the guy.
619
00:22:41,695 --> 00:22:42,946
Fucking God damn right
he was.
620
00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:45,198
And he actually came
backstage after the show
621
00:22:45,198 --> 00:22:48,034
and he walked up to me
and I can still see his face
622
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:50,537
and he said,
I really enjoyed the show.
623
00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:52,747
You were all wonderful.
624
00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:54,916
I was like, oh, my God,
what a moment.
625
00:22:54,916 --> 00:22:56,126
Amazing.
626
00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:57,460
I mean, it's amazing
just even hearing it.
627
00:22:57,460 --> 00:22:58,712
I wasn't there, but just
hearing you talk about it.
628
00:22:58,712 --> 00:22:59,879
Yeah, it was him
in the flesh.
629
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,673
And to have
the kindness to say,
630
00:23:01,673 --> 00:23:03,675
because obviously I was Pippin.
631
00:23:03,675 --> 00:23:05,051
Of course.
Yeah.
632
00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:06,803
Yeah, I mean you, Burt,
633
00:23:06,803 --> 00:23:09,014
are not going to do "Pippin"
if you're not Pippin.
634
00:23:09,014 --> 00:23:11,725
To have the kindness to say,
you are all wonderful.
635
00:23:11,725 --> 00:23:13,143
Because you see,
the rest of the cast
636
00:23:13,143 --> 00:23:14,227
was right there with me.
637
00:23:14,227 --> 00:23:15,645
So he couldn't really
single me out
638
00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:17,355
because that would have been
dismissive to them.
639
00:23:17,355 --> 00:23:19,524
- Oh yeah. You can't do that.
- Sure, sure, sure.
640
00:23:19,524 --> 00:23:20,942
But he gave me a look.
641
00:23:20,942 --> 00:23:23,570
John Rubinstein gave me
a look and that look said,
642
00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:26,364
you are on the stairway
to stardom.
643
00:23:26,364 --> 00:23:27,741
Oh, good Christ.
644
00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:30,035
Wow, wow.
- That's what I said too.
645
00:23:30,035 --> 00:23:33,079
Well, I guess life had
other plans for me.
646
00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:34,998
But that's OK.
647
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:39,711
♪ Everything has its season ♪
648
00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:42,339
♪ Everything has its time ♪
649
00:23:42,339 --> 00:23:43,923
♪ Show me a reason ♪
650
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:46,760
♪ And I'll soon
show you a rhyme ♪
651
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,346
♪ Cats fit on the windowsill ♪
652
00:23:49,346 --> 00:23:51,765
♪ Children fit in the snow ♪
653
00:23:51,765 --> 00:23:54,434
♪ So why do I feel like
I don't fit in ♪
654
00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:58,271
♪ Anywhere I go ♪
655
00:23:58,271 --> 00:24:00,273
Oh, sorry.
656
00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:01,733
Wow.
657
00:24:01,733 --> 00:24:03,651
Wow, that felt fucking great.
658
00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:05,111
Right?
- Yeah.
659
00:24:05,111 --> 00:24:06,446
Wow.
660
00:24:06,446 --> 00:24:07,655
Was that a moment
just then we had?
661
00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:09,032
Wait, that was a moment?
That was a real--
662
00:24:09,032 --> 00:24:10,700
- I think it was.
- I couldn't even hear you.
663
00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:12,786
Someone was playing
the original
664
00:24:12,786 --> 00:24:14,412
cast recording of "Pippin."
665
00:24:14,412 --> 00:24:16,915
It's like a rope connected us
that only we saw the rope.
666
00:24:16,915 --> 00:24:18,458
All three of us.
All three of us.
667
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,834
We are one.
- Tighter and tighter...
668
00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:21,503
We were one organism
in that moment.
669
00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:22,837
- My feet are tingling.
- Wow.
670
00:24:22,837 --> 00:24:25,882
1,000 wows and more wows
on top of that.
671
00:24:25,882 --> 00:24:28,551
I feel like this
was time well spent.
672
00:24:28,551 --> 00:24:29,761
Yeah, we got
a lot accomplished.
673
00:24:29,761 --> 00:24:31,012
Was it not?
both: Yeah.
674
00:24:31,012 --> 00:24:32,514
You guys--
you guys can go ahead.
675
00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:33,807
- We're good to go, right?
- Absolutely.
676
00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,058
Thank you.
Thank you, man.
677
00:24:35,058 --> 00:24:36,184
Really appreciate it.
This was wonderful.
678
00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:37,394
Yeah.
679
00:24:37,394 --> 00:24:38,645
We're all going to
go our separate ways,
680
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:39,646
but we'll take a piece
of today with us.
681
00:24:39,646 --> 00:24:41,189
Thanks for letting me sing.
682
00:24:41,189 --> 00:24:42,857
Jesus, that was
a fucking nightmare.
683
00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:44,150
You are telling me, Johnny.
684
00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:45,652
This has got to stop.
685
00:24:45,652 --> 00:24:47,320
I know.
It's gotten out of control.
686
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,114
I mean, I care about
what happens to Clive,
687
00:24:49,114 --> 00:24:50,740
but we're acting like
fucking lunatics.
688
00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:53,410
Raising Clive is not
our responsibility.
689
00:24:53,410 --> 00:24:54,869
We got to tell him the truth.
690
00:24:54,869 --> 00:24:56,788
[PA system chimes]
691
00:24:56,788 --> 00:24:58,998
♪ Everything has
its season ♪
692
00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:01,418
♪ Everything has its time ♪
693
00:25:01,418 --> 00:25:06,214
♪ We've got a very big sale
on aisle nine ♪
694
00:25:06,214 --> 00:25:07,382
It might be time to go.
695
00:25:07,382 --> 00:25:08,675
♪ Cats fit
on the windowsill ♪
696
00:25:08,675 --> 00:25:10,468
♪ Children fit in the snow ♪
697
00:25:10,468 --> 00:25:16,808
♪ ♪
698
00:25:18,351 --> 00:25:20,854
I don't like this.
This was a bad idea.
699
00:25:20,854 --> 00:25:22,981
Will you fucking relax?
It's going to be fine.
700
00:25:22,981 --> 00:25:25,525
You hear the word Vietnam,
you yell like the place
701
00:25:25,525 --> 00:25:27,110
is burning down.
Do you understand me?
702
00:25:27,110 --> 00:25:28,987
Yes. Jesus Christ.
Calm down.
703
00:25:28,987 --> 00:25:30,822
Good morning, Mr. Bennett.
704
00:25:30,822 --> 00:25:32,157
We are all set
to begin your procedure.
705
00:25:32,157 --> 00:25:33,867
Yeah, listen,
this is my niece.
706
00:25:33,867 --> 00:25:36,619
She's going to be with me
in the room there.
707
00:25:36,619 --> 00:25:39,456
Oh, I'm afraid
that's not allowed.
708
00:25:39,456 --> 00:25:40,874
What do you fucking mean?
709
00:25:40,874 --> 00:25:42,667
It's against hospital policy.
710
00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:44,127
No, no, no, no.
No, wait a minute.
711
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,879
Wait a minute.
You don't understand.
712
00:25:45,879 --> 00:25:50,133
She's always with me for
every colonoscopy, right?
713
00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:51,468
Yes.
714
00:25:51,468 --> 00:25:56,723
I love watching and
it's my half birthday today,
715
00:25:56,723 --> 00:25:59,517
so treating myself.
[chuckles]
716
00:25:59,517 --> 00:26:03,146
Well, that's interesting,
but it's medical staff only.
717
00:26:03,146 --> 00:26:04,272
I really am sorry.
718
00:26:04,272 --> 00:26:05,774
Give us a minute, OK?
719
00:26:07,776 --> 00:26:09,736
- Get under the gurney.
- What?
720
00:26:09,736 --> 00:26:11,988
- Hide under the gurney.
- I am not doing that.
721
00:26:11,988 --> 00:26:14,074
Blaire, you got to be
in the room in case I talk.
722
00:26:14,074 --> 00:26:15,492
Matty, these people
don't care about
723
00:26:15,492 --> 00:26:16,993
your stupid goddamn secret, OK?
724
00:26:16,993 --> 00:26:18,828
They're professionals.
They've heard everything.
725
00:26:18,828 --> 00:26:20,330
I don't trust them.
726
00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:21,831
You don't become a butt doctor
unless you're into
727
00:26:21,831 --> 00:26:23,083
some really weird shit.
728
00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:25,752
Some of these guys,
it's sexual for them.
729
00:26:25,752 --> 00:26:27,462
This is not sexual for them.
730
00:26:27,462 --> 00:26:30,048
I'll give you $300.
731
00:26:30,048 --> 00:26:31,716
- Seriously?
- You're always whining about
732
00:26:31,716 --> 00:26:33,051
how expensive
your textbooks are.
733
00:26:33,051 --> 00:26:35,095
300 bucks.
734
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,184
You have lost
your fucking mind.
735
00:26:43,019 --> 00:26:45,271
Dr. Fisher to OR
prep room three.
736
00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:48,316
Dr. Fisher,
OR prep room three.
737
00:26:48,316 --> 00:26:55,323
♪ ♪
738
00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:02,789
All right, Mr. Bennett,
739
00:27:02,789 --> 00:27:05,125
I need you to count backward
from 100.
740
00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:09,546
100, 99, 98...
741
00:27:09,546 --> 00:27:11,006
All right, he's out.
742
00:27:11,006 --> 00:27:13,341
[laughing]
OK. Wow. What a weirdo.
743
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:15,677
Guy wanted his niece
to come in here with him.
744
00:27:15,677 --> 00:27:17,637
Oh, I heard that.
That's bizarre.
745
00:27:17,637 --> 00:27:19,014
Absolutely.
746
00:27:19,014 --> 00:27:20,640
Let's see what
he's working with here.
747
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,976
[all yelling and laughing]
748
00:27:22,976 --> 00:27:24,978
- Oh, my God.
- Damn, look at that!
749
00:27:24,978 --> 00:27:26,813
Hair on the tip.
That's a new one.
750
00:27:26,813 --> 00:27:28,982
Yuck.
His poor wife, huh?
751
00:27:28,982 --> 00:27:31,151
I was just thinking that.
752
00:27:31,151 --> 00:27:34,738
Guys, I got to be honest.
This is sexual for me.
753
00:27:34,738 --> 00:27:39,409
♪ ♪
754
00:27:39,409 --> 00:27:41,161
Look, we just got
to tell him the truth.
755
00:27:41,161 --> 00:27:42,912
You know he's going
to kick our asses.
756
00:27:42,912 --> 00:27:44,622
Look, the key to not
getting hurt in a fight
757
00:27:44,622 --> 00:27:47,917
is staying loose, like
a drunk guy in an accident.
758
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:49,627
That's why the Kennedys
are always fine
759
00:27:49,627 --> 00:27:52,964
after they fuck up their cars.
760
00:27:52,964 --> 00:27:56,259
Oh, hey Clive, can we--can we
talk to you for a second?
761
00:27:56,259 --> 00:27:58,136
What do you two
fucknuts want?
762
00:27:58,136 --> 00:28:01,514
Look, there's no
easy way to say this,
763
00:28:01,514 --> 00:28:04,392
but, um, it's about your dad.
764
00:28:04,392 --> 00:28:05,852
What about my dad?
765
00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:09,314
Um, your dad, uh,
766
00:28:09,314 --> 00:28:13,401
invited us
to your birthday party.
767
00:28:13,401 --> 00:28:15,362
And he said he's
going to be there too
768
00:28:15,362 --> 00:28:16,488
and we just wanted to say
769
00:28:16,488 --> 00:28:18,531
we are so excited
just to be part of it.
770
00:28:18,531 --> 00:28:19,949
What are you talking about?
771
00:28:19,949 --> 00:28:21,284
I'm not having a party.
772
00:28:21,284 --> 00:28:22,744
He said he wasn't
going to be around.
773
00:28:22,744 --> 00:28:25,747
That's because
it's a surprise.
774
00:28:25,747 --> 00:28:27,374
- Yeah.
- Oh no, I spoiled it!
775
00:28:27,374 --> 00:28:28,458
Oh, Teddy, oh!
776
00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:29,709
We weren't supposed
to say anything.
777
00:28:29,709 --> 00:28:31,378
- Fuck.
- I knew it.
778
00:28:31,378 --> 00:28:32,879
I knew he'd show up.
779
00:28:32,879 --> 00:28:34,381
Oh, it's probably
going to be huge
780
00:28:34,381 --> 00:28:36,591
if even you two losers
are invited.
781
00:28:36,591 --> 00:28:37,759
Hell yeah.
782
00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:40,011
[laughter]
783
00:28:40,011 --> 00:28:41,429
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
784
00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:43,056
I know, but did you see
the look in his eye?
785
00:28:43,056 --> 00:28:44,557
He's like fucking
Charles Manson.
786
00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:46,226
What the fuck are
we supposed to do now?
787
00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:48,228
He thinks his dad's showing up.
- I don't know.
788
00:28:48,228 --> 00:28:50,355
We find somebody to be his dad.
- Well, fucking who?
789
00:28:50,355 --> 00:28:52,816
I don't know.
We find an actor or something.
790
00:28:52,816 --> 00:28:55,318
Ah, shit.
791
00:28:55,318 --> 00:28:58,655
♪ ♪
792
00:28:58,655 --> 00:29:01,950
All right,
we got balloons, a cake.
793
00:29:01,950 --> 00:29:03,410
Do you think he's too old
for a piñata?
794
00:29:03,410 --> 00:29:04,661
Yeah, I don't think
we want to put
795
00:29:04,661 --> 00:29:05,912
a bat in his hands, Johnny.
796
00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:08,581
Oh yeah, good call.
797
00:29:08,581 --> 00:29:10,750
Oh.
How did it go?
798
00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:12,669
It was a living nightmare.
799
00:29:12,669 --> 00:29:14,087
Matty, how you feeling?
800
00:29:14,087 --> 00:29:15,672
Doc says
I'm clean as a whistle.
801
00:29:15,672 --> 00:29:16,715
Nothing to worry about.
802
00:29:16,715 --> 00:29:18,091
That's not all
the doctor said.
803
00:29:18,091 --> 00:29:19,509
What do you mean?
804
00:29:19,509 --> 00:29:22,470
It was the most disgusting
thing I've ever heard.
805
00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:25,306
Blaire, what happened?
806
00:29:27,642 --> 00:29:29,561
Matty made me go into the
operating room with him, so--
807
00:29:29,561 --> 00:29:30,770
Blaire, what the hell?
808
00:29:30,770 --> 00:29:31,771
To shut him up
if the drugs made him
809
00:29:31,771 --> 00:29:33,023
say some shit about Vietnam.
810
00:29:33,023 --> 00:29:34,315
You're not getting
those 300 bucks!
811
00:29:34,315 --> 00:29:36,109
I don't care.
This has to end.
812
00:29:36,109 --> 00:29:38,111
Nothing is worth what
I went through today.
813
00:29:38,111 --> 00:29:39,237
Do you know where
they put the wand
814
00:29:39,237 --> 00:29:41,031
when they're done with it?
I do.
815
00:29:41,031 --> 00:29:43,033
What secret?
What is she talking about?
816
00:29:43,033 --> 00:29:44,993
- Forget it, Susan.
- No, Matty, this is insane.
817
00:29:44,993 --> 00:29:46,453
You have to talk
about it and move on,
818
00:29:46,453 --> 00:29:48,288
because I am not
fucking doing that again
819
00:29:48,288 --> 00:29:49,456
in five years.
- Just drop it!
820
00:29:49,456 --> 00:29:50,790
What'd you do?
Desert your platoon?
821
00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:52,000
Go AWOL?
822
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,043
Did you accidentally
shoot Bob Hope?
823
00:29:53,043 --> 00:29:54,044
What?
- I wish.
824
00:29:54,044 --> 00:29:55,295
I could live with that.
825
00:29:55,295 --> 00:29:57,130
Whatever it is,
I'm sure we'll understand.
826
00:29:57,130 --> 00:29:58,631
No, you won't.
This was war.
827
00:29:58,631 --> 00:30:00,133
For Christ's sake, Matty,
we're your family.
828
00:30:00,133 --> 00:30:01,468
Just fucking tell us.
829
00:30:01,468 --> 00:30:03,511
I jacked off a dog!
830
00:30:07,057 --> 00:30:09,351
What the fuck?
831
00:30:09,351 --> 00:30:10,894
Oh, my God.
832
00:30:10,894 --> 00:30:12,604
You guys said
you'd understand.
833
00:30:12,604 --> 00:30:15,106
That was before we knew
how fucked up it was.
834
00:30:15,106 --> 00:30:16,900
You've never been to war.
Things happen.
835
00:30:16,900 --> 00:30:18,151
Not that. No.
836
00:30:18,151 --> 00:30:20,070
Why the fuck would you
jack off a dog?
837
00:30:20,070 --> 00:30:22,364
Whose dog was it?
838
00:30:38,213 --> 00:30:41,174
My platoon was camped
in the jungle
839
00:30:41,174 --> 00:30:45,011
about two clicks south
of the Do Lung Bridge.
840
00:30:45,011 --> 00:30:47,222
Our dog Scout was with us...
841
00:30:47,222 --> 00:30:51,851
[chuckles]
Chewing on some dinner scraps.
842
00:30:51,851 --> 00:30:54,354
My buddy Donny and I were
about to start the night watch
843
00:30:54,354 --> 00:30:59,609
when we noticed...
Scout had an erection.
844
00:30:59,609 --> 00:31:02,195
Well, you were very
handsome back then.
845
00:31:02,195 --> 00:31:04,989
Just let me do this, Susan.
846
00:31:07,659 --> 00:31:10,870
We waited for it to go away
on its own, but it didn't.
847
00:31:10,870 --> 00:31:12,664
It was obviously stuck.
848
00:31:12,664 --> 00:31:15,208
Now, that could be
dangerous for a dog,
849
00:31:15,208 --> 00:31:17,752
especially in the jungle--
it gets infected.
850
00:31:17,752 --> 00:31:19,754
He could have died.
851
00:31:19,754 --> 00:31:24,718
We didn't have a medic with us.
I had to do something.
852
00:31:24,718 --> 00:31:29,014
I tried to ease it back in,
853
00:31:29,014 --> 00:31:31,057
but it popped out.
854
00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:32,934
So I tried again.
855
00:31:32,934 --> 00:31:34,894
No good.
856
00:31:34,894 --> 00:31:36,354
Time was running out.
857
00:31:36,354 --> 00:31:38,606
Let me tell you,
that dog had sniffed out
858
00:31:38,606 --> 00:31:40,734
more landmines
than I could count.
859
00:31:40,734 --> 00:31:44,946
He had saved all of our lives,
so I had to keep trying.
860
00:31:47,365 --> 00:31:51,494
And that's when it happened.
861
00:31:51,494 --> 00:31:56,541
He made a noise like a bark,
but happier.
862
00:31:59,377 --> 00:32:04,007
Then he went back to his food.
863
00:32:04,007 --> 00:32:05,759
Donny and I didn't
make eye contact
864
00:32:05,759 --> 00:32:08,636
for the rest of the war.
865
00:32:17,145 --> 00:32:21,107
For God's sake,
somebody say something.
866
00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:24,694
You soldiers gave so much.
867
00:32:30,575 --> 00:32:35,080
I-I think you did
the right thing.
868
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:38,416
Very heroic.
869
00:32:38,416 --> 00:32:40,543
Yeah.
870
00:32:40,543 --> 00:32:44,631
Great job, Dad.
871
00:32:44,631 --> 00:32:50,095
You did it there so we
didn't have to do it here.
872
00:32:50,095 --> 00:32:52,180
Stand down, soldier.
873
00:32:57,227 --> 00:33:04,234
♪ ♪
874
00:33:04,234 --> 00:33:06,569
[radio channels tuning]
875
00:33:06,569 --> 00:33:10,031
All right, testing, testing,
one, two, three.
876
00:33:10,031 --> 00:33:11,658
Yeah, I can hear you.
Oh, that's neat.
877
00:33:11,658 --> 00:33:13,535
Yeah, I paid off
a techie at school.
878
00:33:13,535 --> 00:33:14,828
Just remember to keep
the other one on
879
00:33:14,828 --> 00:33:15,995
so we can hear you and Clive.
880
00:33:15,995 --> 00:33:17,330
OK, so we're going
to be feeding you
881
00:33:17,330 --> 00:33:19,082
what to say as we go along,
and if there's--
882
00:33:19,082 --> 00:33:20,417
Right, right.
883
00:33:20,417 --> 00:33:21,584
If you could not give me
specific line readings,
884
00:33:21,584 --> 00:33:23,545
that would be great.
- What?
885
00:33:23,545 --> 00:33:26,214
Yeah, just, you know, tell me
what you want to communicate
886
00:33:26,214 --> 00:33:28,508
and then I will interpret it
as an actor.
887
00:33:28,508 --> 00:33:31,136
You know, I was going to get
a coffee cart for the set,
888
00:33:31,136 --> 00:33:32,303
but now forget it.
889
00:33:32,303 --> 00:33:33,638
Oh, tell me something.
890
00:33:33,638 --> 00:33:35,890
Where am I coming from?
- Huh?
891
00:33:35,890 --> 00:33:38,518
Like just before
I meet Clive, where was I?
892
00:33:38,518 --> 00:33:40,520
You were right fucking here
talking to us.
893
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:41,730
No, no, no.
No, not me.
894
00:33:41,730 --> 00:33:43,523
The character.
Where was the character?
895
00:33:43,523 --> 00:33:45,358
It'll affect
how I play the scene.
896
00:33:45,358 --> 00:33:47,736
He was playing Pippin
on Broadway.
897
00:33:47,736 --> 00:33:49,362
No, no.
898
00:33:49,362 --> 00:33:52,365
He was at home, grieving over
his wife's miscarriage.
899
00:33:52,365 --> 00:33:54,200
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Oh, yeah.
900
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:55,577
Oh, I like that.
You're good.
901
00:33:55,577 --> 00:33:58,371
You should get
into the business.
902
00:33:58,371 --> 00:33:59,956
- The fuck is wrong with you?
- What?
903
00:33:59,956 --> 00:34:02,083
We'll get one like this and
then we'll try it your way.
904
00:34:02,083 --> 00:34:03,752
All right?
Jesus fucking Christ.
905
00:34:06,504 --> 00:34:09,299
Yeah, in case anyone else
needs a drink too.
906
00:34:09,299 --> 00:34:11,551
What the hell are you
talking about, Derek?
907
00:34:11,551 --> 00:34:13,887
Clive?
908
00:34:13,887 --> 00:34:16,056
Dad?
909
00:34:16,056 --> 00:34:17,307
Is that you?
910
00:34:17,307 --> 00:34:19,017
It's me, son.
911
00:34:19,017 --> 00:34:21,061
I've returned.
912
00:34:21,061 --> 00:34:22,687
[chuckles]
913
00:34:22,687 --> 00:34:25,940
Oh, Dad, I can't believe
it's really you.
914
00:34:25,940 --> 00:34:28,193
OK, that's good.
Now tell him you can't stay.
915
00:34:28,193 --> 00:34:30,153
You've got an important
mission back in LA.
916
00:34:30,153 --> 00:34:31,571
There's a sniper
trying to take out
917
00:34:31,571 --> 00:34:33,406
the world's top surfers
in Malibu.
918
00:34:33,406 --> 00:34:34,991
I can't stay long.
919
00:34:34,991 --> 00:34:37,285
My wife and I have suffered
a personal tragedy
920
00:34:37,285 --> 00:34:39,037
and she needs me at home.
921
00:34:39,037 --> 00:34:40,914
- See? It plays great.
- Shut up.
922
00:34:40,914 --> 00:34:43,166
I have a stepmom?
923
00:34:43,166 --> 00:34:45,251
What's her name?
- Catherine.
924
00:34:45,251 --> 00:34:46,920
She's a widowed farm owner
and she's hired me
925
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:48,963
as a farmhand at her estate.
926
00:34:48,963 --> 00:34:50,256
- Is that--
- Is he--
927
00:34:50,256 --> 00:34:51,841
- Is that "Pippin?"
- He's doing "Pippin."
928
00:34:51,841 --> 00:34:53,218
Is he fucking doing "Pippin?"
- He's fucking doing "Pippin."
929
00:34:53,218 --> 00:34:54,594
God damn it, no "Pippin!"
930
00:34:54,594 --> 00:34:57,847
But I thought you were
a soldier of fortune.
931
00:34:57,847 --> 00:35:00,600
You're blowing this,
you motherfucker.
932
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:05,105
♪ Sitting on the floor
and talking till dawn ♪
933
00:35:05,105 --> 00:35:07,315
♪ Candles and confidences ♪
934
00:35:07,315 --> 00:35:08,858
Clive's going to beat
the shit out of him.
935
00:35:08,858 --> 00:35:12,821
♪ Trading old beliefs
and humming old songs ♪
936
00:35:12,821 --> 00:35:14,114
[laughs]
937
00:35:14,114 --> 00:35:16,199
- Clive.
- Mom.
938
00:35:16,199 --> 00:35:17,784
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
939
00:35:17,784 --> 00:35:19,452
What's going on?
What is all this?
940
00:35:19,452 --> 00:35:21,454
Mom, what are you doing here?
941
00:35:21,454 --> 00:35:22,622
Jeff Driscoll's mother
told me you're having
942
00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:24,124
a party out here in the park.
943
00:35:24,124 --> 00:35:25,417
Why didn't you tell me?
944
00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:26,626
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
945
00:35:26,626 --> 00:35:28,712
Mom, look.
946
00:35:28,712 --> 00:35:29,921
Dad's here.
947
00:35:29,921 --> 00:35:31,381
Abort, abort,
get the fuck out of there.
948
00:35:31,381 --> 00:35:32,966
What are you talking about?
949
00:35:32,966 --> 00:35:35,093
That's not your dad.
950
00:35:35,093 --> 00:35:36,302
Say that's not your mother.
951
00:35:36,302 --> 00:35:38,638
I hate giving
other actors notes,
952
00:35:38,638 --> 00:35:40,557
but I feel like
you've come in so hot,
953
00:35:40,557 --> 00:35:42,392
you're not giving yourself
anywhere to go.
954
00:35:42,392 --> 00:35:43,560
Who the hell are you?
955
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,687
OK.
I can't work like this.
956
00:35:45,687 --> 00:35:48,273
Let me guess, she's the
producer's girlfriend.
957
00:35:48,273 --> 00:35:49,482
Bullshit.
- Hang on, Mom, I'll be back.
958
00:35:49,482 --> 00:35:51,067
That was a good note
I gave her too.
959
00:35:51,067 --> 00:35:52,610
- Hey.
- I'm in way over the top.
960
00:35:52,610 --> 00:35:53,653
Hey.
961
00:35:53,653 --> 00:35:55,488
What the fuck is going on here?
962
00:35:55,488 --> 00:35:57,949
Are you not really my dad?
- No.
963
00:35:57,949 --> 00:36:00,326
These two guys paid me to come
here and play your father.
964
00:36:00,326 --> 00:36:01,619
But let me tell you something.
965
00:36:01,619 --> 00:36:04,164
This is the most shoddy,
disorganized production
966
00:36:04,164 --> 00:36:05,498
I have ever been a part of.
967
00:36:05,498 --> 00:36:08,084
John Rubinstein would
never stand for this,
968
00:36:08,084 --> 00:36:10,378
and neither will I.
969
00:36:13,006 --> 00:36:15,342
Oh, fucking cock fuck.
970
00:36:15,342 --> 00:36:17,177
Is this some kind of
fucking joke?
971
00:36:17,177 --> 00:36:18,386
Oh, shit.
972
00:36:18,386 --> 00:36:19,471
Oh God, wait, wait.
Hang on, hang on.
973
00:36:19,471 --> 00:36:21,431
Clive, Clive, just listen.
OK?
974
00:36:21,431 --> 00:36:22,766
You motherfucker!
975
00:36:22,766 --> 00:36:25,226
You think you can fuck
with my head and live?
976
00:36:25,226 --> 00:36:27,520
I am about to beat
the face off of you.
977
00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:29,856
You're dead, both of you.
You're fucking dead.
978
00:36:29,856 --> 00:36:31,149
Ah!
979
00:36:31,149 --> 00:36:32,650
Clive, Clive, just wait
one minute, all right?
980
00:36:32,650 --> 00:36:34,569
Before you kill us,
just hear us out.
981
00:36:34,569 --> 00:36:37,072
Look, I'm sorry we lied
and said we were your dad.
982
00:36:37,072 --> 00:36:38,448
But think about it.
983
00:36:38,448 --> 00:36:40,408
What is a dad?
984
00:36:40,408 --> 00:36:42,243
It's someone
who believes in you,
985
00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:44,204
someone who roots for you
to do your best,
986
00:36:44,204 --> 00:36:47,165
and who's proud of you
when you work hard and you win.
987
00:36:47,165 --> 00:36:48,833
We did that.
988
00:36:48,833 --> 00:36:50,377
What do you mean?
989
00:36:50,377 --> 00:36:53,004
We told you you could pass
that math test and you did it.
990
00:36:53,004 --> 00:36:54,547
Didn't that feel good?
991
00:36:54,547 --> 00:36:57,509
And when you got that B-,
I mean, what an improvement.
992
00:36:57,509 --> 00:36:59,219
We were there pulling for you.
993
00:36:59,219 --> 00:37:01,971
We were encouraging you
to reach your full potential.
994
00:37:01,971 --> 00:37:03,348
We did all that.
995
00:37:03,348 --> 00:37:04,933
And didn't it feel good?
996
00:37:04,933 --> 00:37:07,143
Didn't you feel good
about yourself?
997
00:37:07,143 --> 00:37:10,021
Yeah, I-I did.
998
00:37:10,021 --> 00:37:11,815
You've really
turned things around.
999
00:37:11,815 --> 00:37:14,234
Your grades are better.
You're smiling more.
1000
00:37:14,234 --> 00:37:15,568
I am?
1001
00:37:15,568 --> 00:37:18,780
All the guys in woodshop
are saying so.
1002
00:37:18,780 --> 00:37:21,449
I've been thinking about
taking guitar lessons.
1003
00:37:21,449 --> 00:37:22,784
You hear that?
1004
00:37:22,784 --> 00:37:24,619
He's thinking about
taking guitar lessons.
1005
00:37:24,619 --> 00:37:26,579
Well, that's fantastic.
1006
00:37:26,579 --> 00:37:29,124
Hey, we're going to be
at every recital.
1007
00:37:29,124 --> 00:37:31,042
- Really?
- Absolutely.
1008
00:37:31,042 --> 00:37:33,878
We are not going anywhere.
1009
00:37:33,878 --> 00:37:35,130
Bring it in here.
1010
00:37:35,130 --> 00:37:38,258
[crying]
1011
00:37:38,258 --> 00:37:42,387
We are so fucking proud
of you, buddy.
1012
00:37:42,387 --> 00:37:43,888
There you go.
1013
00:37:43,888 --> 00:37:45,140
Oh, OK, easy there.
1014
00:37:45,140 --> 00:37:46,141
Easy there, Lenny.
1015
00:37:46,141 --> 00:37:47,684
Don't kill the rabbit.
1016
00:37:47,684 --> 00:37:49,019
OK.
1017
00:37:49,019 --> 00:37:51,438
Hey, what do you say
we have some cake?
1018
00:37:51,438 --> 00:37:53,690
- Yeah.
- And something healthy.
1019
00:37:53,690 --> 00:37:55,316
All right, don't undermine me
in front of him.
1020
00:37:55,316 --> 00:37:57,318
Come on, let's go.
1021
00:37:57,318 --> 00:37:59,821
[laughs]
1022
00:37:59,821 --> 00:38:02,782
♪ And the cat's in the
cradle and the silver spoon ♪
1023
00:38:02,782 --> 00:38:05,452
♪ Little boy blue
and the man on the moon ♪
1024
00:38:05,452 --> 00:38:08,955
I think we should try
for another.
1025
00:38:08,955 --> 00:38:11,958
♪ But we'll get together
then ♪
1026
00:38:11,958 --> 00:38:15,503
♪ You know we'll have
a good time then ♪
1027
00:38:15,503 --> 00:38:18,381
[Harry Chapin's
"Cat's in the Cradle"]
1028
00:38:18,381 --> 00:38:23,887
♪ ♪
1029
00:38:23,887 --> 00:38:26,681
♪ My son turned ten
just the other day ♪
1030
00:38:26,681 --> 00:38:28,600
♪ He said thanks
for the ball, Dad ♪
1031
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:29,809
♪ Come on, let's play ♪
1032
00:38:29,809 --> 00:38:31,311
♪ Can you teach me to throw ♪
1033
00:38:31,311 --> 00:38:32,812
♪ I said, not today ♪
1034
00:38:32,812 --> 00:38:34,356
♪ I got a lot to do ♪
1035
00:38:34,356 --> 00:38:36,191
♪ He said, that's OK ♪
1036
00:38:36,191 --> 00:38:37,525
♪ And he walked away ♪
1037
00:38:37,525 --> 00:38:38,985
♪ But his smile never dimmed ♪
1038
00:38:38,985 --> 00:38:41,821
♪ And said,
I'm going to be like him ♪
1039
00:38:41,821 --> 00:38:46,493
♪ Yeah, you know
I'm going to be like him ♪
1040
00:38:46,493 --> 00:38:49,996
♪ And the cat's in the
cradle and the silver spoon ♪
1041
00:38:49,996 --> 00:38:53,249
♪ Little boy blue
and the man on the moon ♪
1042
00:38:53,249 --> 00:38:54,542
♪ When you coming home, Dad ♪
1043
00:38:54,542 --> 00:38:56,169
♪ I don't know when ♪
1044
00:38:56,169 --> 00:38:58,922
♪ But we'll get together
then ♪
1045
00:38:58,922 --> 00:39:02,425
♪ You know we'll have
a good time then ♪
1046
00:39:02,425 --> 00:39:09,724
♪ ♪
1047
00:39:10,517 --> 00:39:13,144
♪ Well, he came from college
just the other day ♪
75947
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