Original subtitles

The point is you should talk to her.

About what, huh?

Well, what do you usually talk about?

Schedules, appointments.

And things that don't matter

when you suddenly realize you're falling

for the boss's secretary.

Alright. So schedule a dinner.

With her?

Mm-hmm, a date with Miss Avnet.

Take her someplace nice.

I can't.

Why not?

Well, what if she says no?

Then you don't go.

What if she says yes?

Ha, relax, Soc.

It's not like you've never been

out on a date before, ha,

is it?

Dixie?

Hyah!

Whoa! Whoa!

Ha!

Get down!

Grab her!

Come on.

No!

No!

[GRUNTING]

Come on, Let's get out of here. Let's go!

Hyah. Hyah, hyah.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

Who were those guys?

Dixie!

Is she alright?

Dixie!

[CHATTER]

So I just start talking and it'll record my voice?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, come here, Watson,

I want you.

The coming thing, huh.

It's called a talking machine,

it's a whole new way of keeping business records.

Yeah, but that's just the beginning.

Imagine the possibilities with this.

Like, uh, music, for example.

You could listen to your favorite song

whenever you wanted to.

Who'd want to listen to the same song

over and over again?

Dixie Cousins, for one.

She was singing into one of those

when she stumbled across something

that could ruin our country.

You've heard of Warrington Hyde,

the Civil War general?

Yeah. Most likely the next president

of the United States.

Miss Cousins has in her possession

a wax cylinder like this

with an incriminating conversation

between Bly and Hyde on it.

Well, how'd she get that?

She was Hyde's paramour.

It was his talking machine she was using

when she found the cylinder in question.

Well, leave it to Dixie to get mixed up

with the wrong guy again.

She didn't know what to do

so she contacted me,

and I alerted the U.S. Attorney

who had her in protective custody

until Bly's assassin made his attack.

Bly's assassin?

Winston Smiles.

He won't stop until he finds her, Mr. County.

And we can't trust the U.S. Attorney

to bring her back safely to testify anymore.

Any idea where she's run off to?

She wired one of our banks for money.

I think she headed south,

to Pasadena.

Mmm. Probably disguised as a little old lady.

Mr. County, if she and the cylinder

aren't back here by Monday at noon,

the grand jury won't allow it as evidence,

and all will be lost.

Don't you worry.

I'll find her.

Mr. Cartwright...

Miss Avnet!

Your lunch with the ambassador.

I didn't want you to forget.

Oh, right.

I'm counting on you...

County.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

Uh-oh.

Lord Bowler...

a.k.a. Ervin Paults,

a.k.a. Pierre Lamont,

a.k.a. Joe Echohawk.

What about it?

I'm U.S. Attorney Breakstone,

and I'd like a word, if you have a moment.

You're the best tracker in the West, Mr. Paults,

and your country needs you.

I'm listening.

Mr. Lamont,

are you familiar with one Dixie Cousins,

a.k.a. Myra Simon?

That depends.

One of my informants recently spotted her in Pasadena.

I want you to go down there, pick her up,

and bring her to me by noon Monday.

Why, is she in trouble?

I'm sorry, but that's on a need-to-know basis, Mr. Echohawk.

However, I am prepared to make you

a credentialed agent of the U.S. Government.

Is that all I get out of this,

A fancy tin horn

and a fine howdy-do from Uncle Sam?

How does $5,000 cash sound, Mr. Bowler?

God bless America.

[PIANO PLAYING]

♪ If it's sinful to wink your eye ♪

♪ At each guy who just passes by ♪

♪ Won't somebody please tell me why ♪

♪ It feels good to be bad? ♪

♪ If it's evil to flirt with men ♪

♪ Then have trouble saying when-- ♪

Brisco, what are you doing here?

I came here to bring you back.

Well, I don't want to go back.

That's too bad.

Brisco, put me down!

Alright, you look bad in a wig

and you were too easy to find.

No, I mean, let go of me!

Okay, Okay. Just stop being such a pain.

Why is it the one time I don't want to see you, you show up?

Dixie, you have to go back.

You know it's the right thing to do.

Well, I think staying alive's the right thing to do.

Which is why I'm heading south for Jalisco.

No, no, no, You're going north to Frisco.

Forget it, Brisco.

All you need is that stupid cylinder anyway.

Look, I hid it at Los Gatos Mission.

Just take it to the grand jury and leave me alone.

That cylinder is no good

without your testimony to back it up.

[SIGHS]

Wait, you hid it in a mission?

Oh, it's a long story.

Hopefully, I'll live long enough to tell you about it.

You will, trust me.

Aw, if I had a nickel

for every time a man said that to me,

I'd be living in Fort Knox.

You're already as good as gold, Dix.

Now keep moving. Come on.

Aw, there's nothing like an evening breeze

to pique the palate

and delight the sense of smell,

eh, gentlemen?

Tonight I've prepared a pheasant dish

which I think is perfect for the trail.

Light, tasty,

and the ideal complement

for vichyssoise.

Ah, I trust your wound hasn't robbed you

of your appetite, Mr. Ricketts?

Not at all, Mr. Smiles.

Looks real good.

Things didn't quite turn out

as you planned yesterday, did they?

We had an unexpected complication.

Yes...

always complications.

I can teach you much

about the business of assassination,

but the unexpected provides its own lessons.

Who here has a contingency plan

for the procuring of Miss Cousins?

Ahem, I do.

Excellent, Simkins.

Since our quarry is in close proximity,

I shall ask you to share it in due course,

but first, a lesson.

Uh, Mr. Ricketts...

would you be good enough to, uh...

identify this?

Cyanide.

Yes.

The scent of bitter almonds.

It's obvious if you're trained to respect it,

as you all are.

Now...

the violets.

Smell them, please.

Take a deep breath.

Nice.

The fascinating thing about violets is...

that they contain ionone.

Ionone, to borrow an electrical term

in fashion nowadays,

short-circuits our sense of smell.

Pass the salt?

One momentarily loses the ability to smell anything

once it assaults the olfactory receptors.

So Ricketts here cannot smell

the poison in his pheasant,

even though it positively reeks of it.

Pass the salt...

please.

Pheasant a la cyanide, gentlemen.

A culinary selection

that should teach a valuable lesson

about failure...

and also about eating before your host.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

We're lost, aren't we?

I know where I'm going.

Maybe we should ask someone for help.

We're not lost. We're just taking these side trails here

so Smiles doesn't find us.

I don't see any trail.

They're here, you have to know where to look.

Now be quiet.

Oh, men.

You never want to ask for directions.

What is it?

There's somebody out there.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

Bowler?

Brisco.

Miss Dixie.

You looking mighty fine.

Fancy meeting you here, Bowler.

Miles from nowhere in the forest.

Aren't you just a little far from home?

Oh, don't get your hackles up.

I'm just heading south,

thought I'd take the scenic route.

Maybe he's lost, too.

I'm ain't lost!I'm not lost!

He--hey!

Sorry, Brisco,

But I'm a special government agent.

It means I can do anything I damn well please.

Right now I damn well please to take her.

Hey, wait a minute.Miss Dixie--

What are you doing? Brisco!

Aah!

Aah!

Brisco, help!

Oof!

Ooh!

Well done, Simkins, well done,

like any good meal.

Well, Miss Cousins, looks like your goose is cooked.

If you'd be good enough, my dear young lady,

to step down from your animal.

Now.

Come on, Dix!

Hyah!

Hyah!

Hyah!

Ahh!

Get the horses! Let's go!

Hyah!

Come on, boy!

Hyah!

Hyah!

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Hyah!

Come on, boy.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Hyah! Come on, Comet. Come on, boy

Give me your hand!

Whoa!

Comet, what are you doing?

He doesn't want to get left behind.

Well, how do you suggest I get him up here?

[GUNSHOTS]

Aah!

Ow!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[HORSES NEIGH]

Now what?

Mr. Simkins...

inside you'll find a pair of pliers, a spool of wire,

and a telegraph key-- everything you need

to splice into a telegraph line.

I don't get it.

Sauce for the goose, my dear boy.

They're on a speeding train. We're sitting here.

The only way to stop them

is to wire ahead and tell them there's a problem.

Well, don't just sit there! Go ahead and do it!

Come on.

Ho ho.

Comet, you sure are a sight for sore eyes.

[NEIGHS]

Oh, now, come on.

Comet, I know you don't like other people riding you,

but we got a situation here.

We could help each other out, huh?

[NEIGHS]

Come on.

I got--I got an apple for you, Comet.

Nice and green, too.

Yeah. Heh heh!

Good boy!

Well, at least it's not your good hand.

I shoot with my left, anyway.

That's not what I meant.

Ow! That hurts, you know.

Sorry.

Hey, It's fine! Just leave it alone.

Oh, just stop being a baby and hold still.

Thanks.

For what?

Coming to my rescue.

Yeah, so what else is new?

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Hey, if you're mad about something,

why don't you just come out and say it?

I just don't understand

why you keep falling for the wrong guys all the time.

Well, a girl gets lonely, Brisco.

Besides, I don't have much choice

when the right guy keeps walking out the door, do I?

Ouch! That's not helping, you know.

Yeah? Well, maybe this will.

[MOANING]

Better?

What are you looking for, Dix?

What everybody else is--

the right place...

The right time...

The right man...

And not necessarily in that order.

How far north did you say this train goes?

I'm U.S. Attorney Breakstone.

Oh, please.

Don't you think everybody knows

who you are by now?

I'm sorry, Mr. Poole. He just barged in.

It's alright, Miss Avnet.

What do you want, Breakstone?

I'll get right to the point.

I've been investigating General Hyde for 3 years,

and I'm not about to let you jeopardize a government investigation

by sending Brisco County after our star witness.

We wouldn't have to send anybody after her

if you hadn't lost her,

which begs the question

how Smiles found out you had her.

A leak in your organization, perhaps?

I've hired Lord Bowler to bring Dixie Cousins in.

It's country versus County now, Poole.

You're joking.

I never joke, and I smile only occasionally.

I assume you're aware that County's been romantically involved

with Miss Cousins in the past.

How did you know that?

We're the government. We know everything.

Well, let me tell you something maybe you don't know.

Brisco County is, above all else, a man of integrity,

and he would never let his personal feelings

interfere with what's right,

so unless you have a court order to the contrary,

I suggest you butt out

and let Brisco bring Dixie in.

Miss Avnet...

show Mr. Breakstone out.

That won't be necessary.

Next time you have a cat caught up a tree

and you need the government's help,

don't call me.

That was impressive,

how you stood up for Mr. County like that.

That?

Mmm, it's... standard operating procedure, Miss Avnet,

goes with the territory.

I don't know why I never noticed this before,

but there's something very attractive about you, Socrates.

May I call you Socrates?

Well...sure!

Uh...Miss Avnet, I've been meaning to ask you something.

Would you like to get a cup of coffee

or...something, sometime, maybe?

Coffee?

Uh, yes, uh.

No...no coffee.

Um...I under--sorry. I...understand.

I won't settle for anything less than dinner.

Dinner?

How's Friday at 8:00?

Oh, boy.

Uh...yeah.

That's fine.

What was that?

What? Man: Now.

That.

This is one of my favorite recipes, Mr. County.

The train will be leaving in a few moments,

and if Miss Cousins doesn't tell me where the cylinder is hidden,

I'm afraid you'll be shopping

at big and tall stores from now on.

Don't tell him anything, Dixie.

Brisco, he'll kill you if I don't!

He'll kill you if you do.

Gallant but inaccurate.

Tell me, or you both die.

As you wish.

Start the engine.

Let's go.

Last chance.

I can't.

Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

Ooh! Aah! Ohh! Oh!

Ahh. You should avert your eyes.

This isn't going to be very pretty.

Ooh!

Brisco!

Ow!

Come on, Dix!

Come on. Come on.

A worthy challenge, gentlemen...

adds a little spice to life.

Now that we wired Socrates,

do we get back on the train?

No. Smiles stopped that train once.

He can do it again.

So what now?

Well, we lay low, travel fast,

pick up that cylinder.

You know, you never did tell me

why you hid that thing in a mission.

Bowler.

Whoa.

BRISCO: Well, I can't seem to shake you, can I?

Okay, I am through fooling around!

Let go of me.

I'm bringing you in.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Fellas, I like the attention,

but the tension part is killing me.

Haven't you boys played this game long enough?

What game?

Going after the same thing all the time

but for completely different reasons?

You want bounties. You want justice.

It all leads to the same place--

bringing in your man.

Or woman, in this case.

Thank you for noticing.

My pleasure, Miss Dixie.

Yeah, maybe you two should throw in the towel

and work together.

BOTH: Hmm.

Think about it.

You'd get the job done twice as fast

with half the effort.

Mm-mmm. I work alone.

So do I.

Oh, then it's settled.

Now what are we gonna do about a ride?

Huh?

[DONKEY BRAYING]

♪ de colores, se visten los campos ♪

♪ en la primavera ♪

Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Excuse me. You guys headed north?

Let me handle this.

Special agent. Pull over. That's an order.

♪ primavera ♪

♪ de col-- ♪

Hey, Dixie Cousins!

Why, yes. Do I know you gauchos?

Cardo, it's her! The lady on the coin!

Coin?

What coin?

This coin.

Dixie Cousins. Lady of liberty.

You're famous in Jalisco since the revolution.

Thanks to you, General Zaca never got his guns.

Not bad.

Good hair day, too.

Uh, look, we need a ride. Can you help us out?

On one condition, Señor.

That Miss Cousins may sing with us,

"Los Famosos Hermosos!"

♪ de colores ♪

♪ de colores se visten los campos ♪

♪ en la primavera ♪

♪ de colores ♪

Come on, boy.

♪ de son los pajaritos ♪

♪ que vienen de afuera ♪

Come on, Comet, vamanos.

♪ de colores ♪

What do you want, Poole?

Miss Avnet said it was important.

Good news. I just got a wire from Brisco.

He's found Dixie.

Thank God. Where are they?

On their way to pick up the cylinder.

They'll be here within 48 hours.

Excellent. Keep me posted.

And, Poole, mum's the word.

Mr. Cartwright, you forgot to sign these payroll checks,

and they simply must go out tonight.

Oh, yes, yes.

Socrates, take care of it.

I'm late for dinner.

Of course.

Please... bring them over, Miss Avnet.

You seem to be in a good mood.

I do?

Well, I guess I am.

Why?

Uh...I'm sorry. I can't.

Sign here.

Sign, please.

Oh, right.

And here.

So, aren't you going to tell me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

W-what was the question?

I want you.

Ex-excuse me?

I can't hold it back any longer, Socrates.

I need you.

All of you.

I thought we were just having dinner.

Why wait for dinner when we can have dessert right now?

Oh, my--oh!

Oh. Ooh! Miss Avnet!

Rita.

Oh--

Socrates!

Mr. Cartwright, I can explain.

No need, man.

Carry on.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[OWL HOOTS]

What's the matter with him?

He's just sulking.

Still mad 'cause you left him behind, huh?

Yeah, I guess so. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I know how he feels.

I, uh, think I hear the Hermosos calling me.

Coming, amigos.

Are we ever going to talk?

About what?

Us.

Us?

Yes, us.

You know, you and me, boy and girl,

last night...us.

Oh, yeah.

How quickly they forget.

Oh, I didn't forget, Dixie.

It was the best train ride I ever took.

Oh, is that all there is for us--

a train ride here, a hotel room there,

a hay barn somewhere else?

Alright, I get the idea.

Well?

Come on, Dix. You know how I feel about you.

Do I? Humor me.

Well...

I--I have feelings for you.

Uh, strong... strong feelings.

That the best you can do?

Well, what do you--

What do you want me to say?

Oh, the truth is always good.

Unless it hurts. Then lie to me.

Well, I suppose the truth is that...

I'm afraid of getting involved.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for a commitment.

That's too bad because I am.

I never thought I'd hear myself say this,

but I'm getting kinda tired of bouncing around

from one club to the next.

I'm looking for a change.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be ready...

after seeing what my mother went through

being married to a lawman.

Oh. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Afraid history will repeat itself?

Well, I don't know.

Yeah. Maybe.

You know what our problem is?

What?

Timing.

[CHURCH BELL RINGING]

Myra!

Hello, Mother Superior.

Oh, thank God you're alright.

Oh, I'm doing fine. These are my friends.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for your help.

Myra?

A.K.A. Simon.

No one knows the cylinder is here except for me.

I can't thank you enough.

How do you know her?

Well, my parents were settlers.

We were coming West when our wagon was raided,

and I was taken by Cherokees

and raised as one of their own.

Then I was rescued by Mennonites,

and I lived with them until they all died of Yellow Fever.

And that's when I came here.

For the next 15 years,

I was trained to be a nun.

But my heart just wasn't into the work.

You're kidding.

No. I'm sure there are people

with much worse childhoods than mine.

Cherokee, huh? I'm part Cherokee.

Maybe we're related.

County, I know you're in here.

That's Smiles.How did he find us?

I don't know, but they better not start nothing

in the Lord's house.

Quickly--in here.

No guns, Brisco. We are in a church.

Bowler, they're right outside!

I mean it.

So what are we gonna do?

Fan out. I don't want to lose them again.

Where have they gone?

They haven't gone. They've just disappeared.

Where?

Before your very eyes.

How?

Think like a chameleon

if you want to find a chameleon.

Go!

Man, you're one big nun!

That's Mr. Nun to you!

Now that's what I call a bad habit.

Oh, shut up.

I'll go get the horses.

Alright, we'll go get the cylinder and meet you out back.

Come on, Dix.

Confess your sins so you may ask the Lord's forgiveness

in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

Oy.

[DOOR SLIDING]

Do you have anything to confess, my son?

Uh, not right now, thanks.

Are you certain, Mr. County?

Spence, get the horses.

Are you Catholic, by any chance?

No.

Pity.

Life after death isn't an option for you.

The wax cylinder now, Miss Cousins,

and no more games.

It's in here. I hid it behind the oven.

Mother!

The cylinder.

Be careful, Myra.

Thank you, Mother.

You better head out before he comes to.

Forgive me, Father, but that felt good.

TAPE RECORDER: Just take the money, Hyde,

and don't forget who put you in the White House.

Don't worry, Bly, I won't.

Well done, Brisco.

You mean well done, Brisco and Bowler.

Well, it's not over yet.

The grand jury doesn't convene until morning.

We still have to protect Dixie.

Make sure no one comes in or out

without my permission.

Count on it.

Soc, you better keep that in your safe.

Miss Cousins, you must be famished.

Let me get you something to eat.

Oh, how sweet. Thank you.

So, how's it going between you two?

I believe it falls under the category of

be careful what you wish for.

Uh, Soc,

did anyone else have access

to that telegram I sent you?

Why?

Because somehow Smiles found out

where that cylinder was hidden.

You mean the leak's in the Westerfield Club?

Relax, Brisco. I'm safe.

Smiles won't try anything in here.

Don't be so sure.

Here we are, Miss Cousins.

Hope you like pheasant.

Thank you.

[CUCKOO]

Did you hear that?

What's the matter?

Well, this bird smells kind of funny.

Eat it.

Oh, my god!

Ohh!

Uhh!

Uhh!

Oh.

[TICKING]

Now I don't have to worry

about the cylinder or Miss Cousins anymore.

I hope you like dessert Flambé,

Mr. County.

No, I don't.

Ohh!

Uhh!

Ladies, please!

Uhh!

Aah...

uh...

Ow! Ow!

Uhh!

Uhh!

Urgh!

Aah!

Miss Avnet, you're fired!

Brisco!

Get out of here!

The whole place is going to blow!

Come on! Come on!

Go! Go!

Not you, County.

I don't care who you are.

You ain't getting in.

I'm U.S. Attorney Breakstone.

You work for me.

No, I don't. I quit.

You can have your stupid badge back.

It don't work no way.

Bowler, open the gates!

I thought I was supposed to keep everybody in.

The whole thing's going to blow!

Uhh!

[CUCKOO]

Brisco!

No!

Whew.

My god.

I don't believe it.

You can go on in now, Breakstone....

if you want.

Well, Soc, thanks to Dixie,

Hyde will be behind bars

for some time to come now.

You know, sticking one of those talking machines

inside the oval office might go a long way

toward keeping everybody honest.

Never happen.

It's all gone, Brisco.

The library, my office,

the legal papers I labored over for months, everything.

Yeah, it's too bad.

You know...

I will never understand why Miss Avnet

sold us out to Bly

after everything we did for her.

I...

thought she actually liked me.

Well, how do you know she didn't?

The gun, the kick to the groin.

She used me.

Now, don't give up hope, Soc.

She probably won't get more than 3 years.

At least you know she won't be cheating on you.

[HORSES APPROACHING]

Bowler, what are you doing here?

Whoo.

We need to talk.

About what?About us.

Jeez, not you, too.

If we gonna be partners,

we need to get a few things straight, Brisco.

That's fine, but can we do it later?

I have a date.

A date? With who? Miss Dixie?

Yeah.

Now, beat it, will you?

We're not partners on everything.

Damn.

Nice touch...Romeo.

[LAUGHING]

Well, there's no sense wasting these.

Hey...

aren't those supposed to be for me?

I, uh, guess it's the thought that counts.

I was, uh...

beginning to think that you changed your mind.

I did.

And then I changed my mind again.

And I'm here.

So where do you want to go?

Um...

wherever we end up.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]