All language subtitles for Shakespeares.Shitstorm.2020.720p.W

(Crowd Protesting)

Stop appropriating other cultures.

Check you privilege!

Where’s my representation?

Quit Manslplaining!

(Crowd Protesting)

To sleep perchance to dream...

...ay there’s the rub.

You pieces of chicken shit!

She’ll never do it she’s faking it.

She just wants attention.

I felt angry, confused.

I had a college education, a place to live.

I grew up in a household with an

income over a hundred thousand dollars a year.

But I still felt like a victim.

Like a victim.

Victim

Until one day my doctor told me I suffer from Entitlementia.

Entitlementia is a disease that commonly afflicts

middle to upper class people between the age of eighteen and thirty.

Symptoms may include excessive whining, intolerance of

differing opinions, difficulties with critical thinking, extreme narcism,

fear of jokes, chronic tweeting, allergic to microaggressions,

no one wanting to hang out with you.

Now there’s a treatment, Safespacia.

Safespacia creates your own personal safe space wherever you go.

Ask your doctor if Safespacia is right for you.

Safespacia is right for you.

Side effects may include dizziness, hair loss,

diarrhea, constipation, night terrors, suicidal thoughts,

homicidal thoughts, thoughts of despair, fatness, projectile vomiting,

instant death, hysterical blindness, loss of taste, cellulitis and HIV.

Make every space a safe space.

Oh hey guys.

Amazing

That’s a commercial.

Avonbard Incorporated is embarking upon momentous terrain.

This new drug Safespacia

stands to make our pharmaceutical conglomerate

the richest of its kind in all of the world.

This celebratory cruise

is all about thanking you

all.

And our social media influencers up above deck.

I started this company as a poor orphan child.

Stealing heart medication from elderly women.

And then reselling the pills to train yard hobos

in exchange for pennies

and blowjobs.

Crowd Cheers

Here’s to dedication

and self-medication.

To dedication

and self-medication.

Bring out the entertainment

May I introduce to you Gonerill she gives the boys a thrill.

Titania she puts the man in mania

Cordelia she’d like to feel 'ya.

Boneta she’ll beat a ya meat-ah.

And I’m Puck, I’m here to fuck!

And now the lady who puts the handy into handicap.

She’ll make you pop a boner as she pops a wheelie!

Ariel!

Let’s get this party started.

Diversity hire.

Whoa!

And so beginnings our tale of madness and vengeance.

Hello, I am William Shakespeare.

Come with me and we will greet our cast and characters.

The man with the champagne bottle is Alonzo King

aka Big Al.

President of Avonbard the largest pharmaceutical company in the world.

Known for his hard partying ways

he’s far more interested in pleasures of the flesh

then with the overseeing of business.

This young man is Ferdinand his son.

Head of marketing at Avonbard

and trying to provide a conscious for his father daily.

So far he’s failed.

Antoinette Duke vice president of Avonbard.

She’s broken through every glass ceiling.

Her ambition has led to a strangle hold

on the pharmaceutical industry.

There is nothing she wouldn’t do to get ahead.

Including betraying her own brother.

Remember that brother part for later, foreshadowing.

Senator Sebastian has received millions in donations from Avonbard.

In return she pushes through legislation

for their pharmaceutical products regardless of safety.

There nothing she wouldn’t do for political gain or money.

These individuals forcing the interns to play Russian Roulette

are Chien Wu Beng Chinese billionaire

and Mbuth D’Fur African warlord.

These two sold out their people,

their culture and their homeland

all for the profits of Avonbard.

They have zero respect for human life.

Let alone the lives of these interns.

Steph and Trini.

Two social media activist,

who have advanced their careers

by banning all potential works of art from American universities.

Such works of art as

Huckleberry Finn,

Candide,

Are you there God? It’s me Margaret,

Dr. Seuss’s Hop on Pop

and ...what the fuck?

The collected works of William Shakespeare!

Because they are twitter savvy

they were pointed ahead of Avonbard’s social media

Thanks to them Avonbard has over ten million followers.

Suck my balls you pussies.

Now that we have introduced our players lets begin our story.

Act One:

no stronger than an usher

and as leaky as an unstarched wench.

Come on you said you wanna!

I don’t wanna do this.

I’m just an intern!

We need this for our careers.

Darren Whitman started out as just an intern

and now he’s a VP. Just look at him.

I got a VIP parking spot.

That’s hot.

How you liking the party so far?

People seem to love the dancer you insisted we hire.

Yes, we thought a wider range of body types should be represented.

Thanks for bringing along the chick in the wheelchair.

I have always wanted to jerk off onto a cripple.

I mean onto a differently abled person.

Things can get a little wild.

Yes a lot of toxic heterosexuality on display.

And I believe I may have even heard an inappropriate joke being told.

I think I might maybe

kind of be feeling

some very mild discomfort.

Did you take your Safespacia?

Yes!

Maybe we should go above deck

and get some fresh air.

Enjoy yourself.

Get your dirty hands off me.

Pretty great after all these years they are releasing Safespacia right?

All our hard work paying off.

You mean mine, my hard work.

I’m the one who thought of Safespacia.

I’m the one who raised all the money,

I financed the research,

I got it through congress,

I bribed the FDA,

its all about me.

But, your father’s just a drunk

all he does is take cocaine

and stick his wanger in god knows what type of gorilla.

He’s disgusting.

Well, that’s dad alright loves to party.

Good talk.

Now!

I’m having so much fun Captain Blarney.

Your not getting paid to have fun.

You were nicer to me in Morocco.

I feel so much better now.

How about we pop another Safespacia

and head back down to the party.

I need my pills god.

What is that?

It's whales.

Their beautiful.

But what are they doing?

They're...

...defecating.

Eww.

No not eww!

Its a fecal bloom.

Whale fecal blooms are a wonderful

and important part of the ecosystem.

We learned that from the Sea World protest we went to.

Your right, your right.

Hello whales!

I’m so sorry that I poo shamed you,

you are amazing and we love you.

We do! We love you.

Free Willy.

We are so fortunate to be apart of something so natural

and so special.

Thank you whales.

Condom guy we need more condoms over here.

We are running out of dildos over here.

Condom boy.

We need more dildos now!

I’m gonna blow!

Holy shit its a tricycle!

I’m gonna take this thing to the hallway that looks like The Shining.

Dad!? Dad!?

Dad we need to talk things are getting a little out of control.

Oh horse shit this party is just getting started.

Dad the pipes!

Aw that’s just a steam pipe.

A cleavland steamer.

They must have been eating the plastic in the ocean.

I read about it in Mother Jones.

Shit orgy!

Everyone out! We must evacuate!

Come on all you humans both males and females.

Beware of the zooming huge full of shit whales.

They go by and fly right over your heads,

when they dump their loads they will smother you dead.

And its hey ho yo boy a shitstorms a coming,

hey ho yo boys a shitstorms right here

when you hear that noise your entering hell

this story is not all is well ends well.

Look out you pervaders of corporate greed

better say your prayers because your gonna bleed.

The ship you are sailing is oh so heinous

Prospero’s magic will kick out your Cariolanus!

Cariolanus!

See what I did there?

Cole Porter in Tromaville.

Daddy?

No Mr. Burns! Later, later! Please!

Daddy?

This is fantastic.

Daddy!

Yes my little Crenshaw melon Miranda?

How’s it hanging? What’s up?

I was trying to take a nap but I can’t with all your maniacal laughter.

What is so sinisterly funny?

Nothing, nothing sinister

I was just laughing at a good old fart joke.

You see these two rabbis go to a chili cook-off and it's hilarious.

Daddy what did you do?

Nothing.

Just planning the first stages of brutal vengeance that’s all.

Daddy you know how I feel about brutal vengeance.

Those scat cover snowflakes are caught in the shitstorm.

Good alliteration from Captain Blarney here.

Go out there and help them!

Oh but, I don’t want to get shit on my new Gucci shoes.

It's understandable.

That lightening blasted a huge whole in the ship.

Oh no all the feces are going down the boat.

We’re gonna sink!

We're gonna die!

We have to get to the captain it's our only hope.

The boat is gonna sink.

The boat is gonna sink.

We are all gonna be dead.

Get your balls out of your purse,

we’re not dead until I say we’re dead.

I’ve seen worse shitstorms then this,

remember I was in Iraq.

You were on vacation.

OMG what’s happening?

Take us to port right now.

We are nowhere near our destination.

Please, I’m begging you!

Listen I’ve never failed to complete a trip before

and I’m not gonna start now.

And look things are getting better,

the storms dying down.

Look I’ll show you everything is fine.

We’ll be having fish sticks for dinner.

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!

It's Iraq all over again!

Mommy!

Boatswain do something!

Oh so this too too sullied flesh

should melt and resolve to become

a promotion.

Hamlet act 1 scene 2.

Boatswain I mean captain take us to land.

Okay.

But, if there is one thing they did teach me at Naval academy

is that if your boat starts to fill with whale excrement

you got to get to the closest port you can.

There is only one place close enough

it's where all the shit eventually goes.

Help me!

You left me behind!

Oh that’s a hell of a way to get sober.

Now what are we gonna do?

There are villages in Africa where 95%

of the villagers have aids that are more pleasant than this

New Jersey.

Crying gibberish

New Jersey’s not that bad.

Aren’t those the girls from the boat?

In fact I know the place

with the hottest girls you have ever seen

and more drugs than you can imagine.

You can fuck and party your brains out.

Here let me call an Uber.

Hey Uber.

It's tha Uber, oh shiza.

You were in a shitstorm earlier, here.

Act Two:

Good wombs have borne bad sons.

Miranda dear, I think it's time I told you the story

of how we ended up here in shitty Tromaville New Jersey.

I like Tromaville.

Well come sit on your dad’s

your dad's knee.

Whoa whoops.

It all started a long time ago

in the dark backwards abysmal time

known as the 1980s.

Ahh.

I was a brilliant young chemist.

My sister Antoinette took care of sales.

Together we became unstoppable.

I’d create the medications for us,

she’d take care of our marketing needs.

Yes,

athletes foot,

staph infections,

diarrhea.

I’d create drugs to cure them all.

We were such a hot property on the market that

Big Al himself swooped in to hire us both.

Avonbard!

Oh I’m so excited.

Big money,

fast cars,

mountains of cocaine,

the gorgeous women.

Oh those beautiful women baby.

When you have the power to stop diarrhea

everybody wants to suck your dick.

The world was our oyster

and we were gonna fuck that oyster raw.

Unfortunately my wild ways caught up with me.

Can I put that man meat in my mouth please?

Wait! Heat seeking moister, missile is ready to launch!

Don’t stop please please.

Please I’m almost there, I’m almost there.

I’m cumming I’m cumming. Oh god oh...

I had to relearn how to walk.

And move my arms.

And get boners.

You can do it!

Yes!

Yay Prospero! Oh my goodness.

During that time I realized I had been using my gift selfishly.

I vowed that for the rest of my life that I would try to help others.

Also I started banging my nurse

who I accidentally impregnated then I had to marry her.

That’s where you came from princess.

Anyway I vowed to come up with cures true permanent

fixes for problems like depression, anxiety and vaginal stink.

But, along the way I found a cure for opioid addiction.

This was one of the greatest breakthroughs in medical history.

Unfortunately, what I didn’t realize is that opioid addiction

is a fifty billion dollar industry, enriching the elites.

They didn’t want to cure opioid addiction.

They just wanted the addiction to go on and on

so people would be returning the drugs

and buying more and more opioids

and making a small number of white men rich.

Executives wanted me to be fired,

including my own sister, whom I hired.

She’s a miserable rat shit fuck slob.

She and Big Al got the board of directors to fire me.

So I went to the media.

Boy, that was a big mistake.

With the government agencies are selling addiction.

They don’t want to cure these diseases.

They want to keep selling the pills and

take the medicine everyday once a day and…

Well, you're a brave man for speaking up Prospero.

These are truths the American people need to hear.

And hopefully everybody was listening to what you said today.

Let’s have some fun lets change course Charlie,

I brought you this delightful plate of delicious tacos.

It's Cinco de Mayo.

Yay Cinco de Mayo.

Cut.

Cut.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

Cut!

Singing

Cut!

Angry Crowd

Look this is a press conference come on come on.

Look I meant no offense to the great people of Mexico

when I brought that box of tacos to Charlie Rose.

It's just I don’t want to distract from the important issue

which is that the giant devil worshiping international

pharmaceutical corporations…

Quit moving your hands!

Hold on folks I can’t hear what this gentleman has to say.

Sir, speak up. Project from your balls.

Hand gestures are a tool of patriarchal oppression!

Put that down!

My hands?

Put them down like this?

No that’s still offensive.

I don’t understand.

Hate crime!

BLACK LIVES MATTER!

Also, FAT LIVES MATTER!

How about this? It’s a nice butterfly.

Hey, your appropriating insect culture.

Hey, hey hey I masturbated to a Japanese woman,

is that masturbation cultural appropriation?

Yes!

How about appropriating this?

I was just trying to save you people so fuck off you jerks.

Fuck you Prospero.

There I was my life’s work stolen from me,

betrayed by my own sister,

shunned from society.

The shame that came was so unfair.

it was far too much for your mother to bear.

So, that’s why I’m blind.

It sure is honey.

daddy’s little PTSD pumpkin.

I gathered up everything I had in the world.

my daughter and my measly settlement of

two-hundred and twenty-five million dollars.

And headed for a place far removed from the perverted reach

of modern society.

and that’s when I found the shores of Tromaville New Jersey.

My daughter and I are looking for a nice place to live in New Jersey.

Travelers ne'er did lie

Though fools at home condemn ‘em.

That’s from The Tempest.

Yeah.

You got money asshole?

How much are you looking for?

How much you got?

So, I purchased an old crackhouse

and hired all the dirty crackwhores I could find

to work for me.

And that’s how I met Ariel.

So, that’s why Aunt Ariel is always sucking dick for crack.

Yes baby that’s why Aunt Ariel is such a huge crackwhore

she just loves that stuff.

Now can I please finish my story?

Sorry daddy jeez.

All these years I have been planning my revenge

against Avonbard and all the world.

Thanks to all my spies I have learned that

they would take a cruise quite soon to North Korea.

I had Ariel infiltrate their coast guard boat

and using gallons and gallons of whale laxatives lured them to doom.

So, that’s the diddly deal daughter.

Your tale, sir, would cure deafness.

But, could you cure blindness?

You know like my blidness?

Sure would be nice to see again.

Also to know when I’m done wiping.

Oh here they come.

It’s time to fuck shit up.

Yeah, yeah.

I’ll show you some Tempest.

All my life it has been about revenge, revenge, revenge.

What about forgiveness?

These violent delights have violent ends.

Here’s Prospero!

Prospero?

It’s a common enough name.

Well I guess we have no choice

gotta go in.

Here they are as promised.

These mother fuckers smell terrible.

And their clothes are shit fucked.

Do we still have all those old costumes from

when we did summer stock theater?

Yeah we do.

Hose them down.

Welcome to Prospero’s Retreat.

We got a killer band.

Howdy.

And endless drugs.

So, let’s party.

Well Maggie was a bitch

and Maggie was a whore.

But, I never wished to see her walking out of that door.

Maggie was cute but she sure was profane.

Maggie had a sweet tooth for uncut cocaine.

Maggie come home.

Maggie come home.

Maggie come home.

Get out of that fat man's truck.

I feel so bad for everybody that didn’t make it off the boat.

They will be missed.

To the dead.

To life!

L’Chaim.

Wrong play.

For the last breath for you to ever take

to be a mouth full of whale shit.

Son you're really bringing us down.

If random executive number two weren’t dead

he’d wished we went on with the party.

Two horny slits with silicon tits.

Who’d take a dick wherever it fits.

Be it where they pisses or where they shits.

How can you be so selfish and so cold?

Until you think on this, no more shots.

Can I offer you VIPs some hardcore drugs?

Oh, bring me all your cocaine.

Goddamnit.

What if I told you we had something better than cocaine.

Then I’d say you're a lying whore,

there is nothing better than cocaine.

This is.

Its called Tempest.

Damn!

I can feel that already.

Dad you don’t even know what that stuff is.

I never felt so alive.

Where does this come from?

Our owner makes it himself.

It's a house special.

I have to meet this guy.

In due time big man.

Now shall we dance?

Dad we should be trying to find our way home.

Son you’ve got to lighten up.

Have a few drinks do a few lines of that green shit

and go out and dance.

Huh?

I’m not telling you that as your father,

I’m telling you this as your boss.

That’s an order.

What are we gonna do now?

It would have been so much easier to kill Big Al on the boat.

We stick to the plan.

anything you can do on a boat you can do in New Jersey.

From birder, tweet tweet, to murder.

Brutal vengeance is in my heart,

death is in my hand,

bloody battles bombard my brain just as the gods have planned.

Look upon my work ye mighty and despair.

I got ya, I win!

I’m gonna win.

Damnnit. Goddamnit!

Caliban, Caliban Miranda is in trouble

Go help her, I’m too busy cackling and being manic depressive.

Alright.

I can’t believe you guys have pet ferrets here.

I love animals.

You know I thought they’d be furrier.

This is a special hairless breed.

Oh hey there little guys.

Little?

It's not the size of the ferret that matters.

Oh yeah pet him a little faster.

I think they like me.

Oh you know its good luck to kiss a ferret.

Yeah that’s an old Irish saying.

Oh, well if the Irish say it.

Who's luckier than them?

What the fuck are y’all doing to that blind girl?

They are letting me pet their ferrets.

Nah, y’all need to not do that.

What’s wrong?

Your pops don’t want you petting ferrets.

So, I’m gonna need you two to get your ferrets

put them away and get the fuck up out of here.

Oh come on man this is bullshit.

Yeah, I thought this place was supposed to be wild.

It's gonna get wild if I have to beat your asses.

Fuck is wrong with you?

What is going on in here?

That black guy was trying to take advantage of that girl.

Say what now?

What’s happening?

Yeah he was totally gonna rape the shit out of her

before we stopped him.

And he’s black.

Oh fuck.

Gentlemen... you did a great thing here

We sure did.

Now, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

I need to have a word with this scum punk.

Look man, you don’t want to do this.

Your right, I don’t want to.

But, sometimes it’s the only way to teach people like you a lesson.

Like not to prey on beautiful blind girls.

Wow thank you.

For real though,

I’m gonna need you to cover up those itty bitty nipples and chill out.

Back when I was young

I used to do intramural fisticuffs at Yale.

I swore I would never use these skills to harm.

Or to hurt anyone.

But, you forced my hand.

You seem like a cool dude.

What you're doing for this girl is admirable and shit.

But, you got your information all wrong.

It’s you that has their information wrong.

Times up for people like you, sexual predator!

Don’t kill him!

I think I love him.

What’s he look like?

What’s his hair color?

Is it dark?

You done now?

Yeah, but don’t do it again.

I got shit I gotta go clean up anyway.

Catch you later.

I don’t know what’s happening

but thank you for standing up for me.

What’s your name?

Faa...

Fart.

Furry?

Farview...

Furlene?

Farley?

Fiable?

Felton?

Finton?

Furby?

Franklin?

Frazier?

Fradrick?

Frodo! Frodo!

Ah shit, what's in a name?

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

My name is Ferdinand.

Ferdinand, DAMNIT!

That was the next name I was gonna say.

What a nice name for such a nice gentleman.

My name is Miranda.

if I could write the beauty of your eyes,

And in fresh numbers number all your graces,

the age to come would say ‘this poet lies.

Such heavenly touches ne'er touched earthly faces.

You're the most beautiful woman I have seen in my entire life.

Well, in New Jersey.

Oh.

Thank you.

I never believed in love at first sight but now I do.

Wow that sounds cool.

I can never fall in love at first sight.

Oh right the blind thing.

Yeah.

I have to fall in love at first in every other sense.

Instead.

Sorry.

Very nice.

Sounds good.

A little salty, a little sweet.

A little

whale shit.

Nice!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah.

I'm in love with you too.

You want to go down and join the party?

I’ll catch up with you later, right now I gotta find a bathroom.

I’m pretty sure my underwear is full of blood and shit right now.

Okay.

I’ll be in my room getting ready.

Damnit where is it!?

There it is.

Act Three:

All the infections, the sun sucks up.

This is the place that Ariel said

they were going but it looks like it is some sort of

strip club!

Woah!

We cannot go in there.

I mean women owning their sexualities so they can dance is great…

It's empowering.

It is, but it might be enjoyed by heterosexual sis males.

And that’s…

Super problematic.

Is it safe here?

It seems like it is a little bit urban.

Oh sorry didn’t mean to scare you,

We were not scared.

No!

In fact we are thrilled to see a person of your...

color?

Cool.

But, you look like you're scared.

No.

We were scared for you, not of you.

Black lives matter.

Yes.

Yeah I guess so.

But, listen

be not of fear this city is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs.

That give delight and hurt not.

Is that marijuana?

Oh yeah.

Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments hum about my ears,

and sometimes voices that when I wake after long sleep

will make me sleep again.

So the city ain’t so bad, but you ain’t racist for being a little scared.

Us racist?

That’s impossible!

I majored in African American studies.

I once willingly sat next to a black man on a bus

and there were seats open next to white people.

Yeah, and I

started an online campaign to get Hollywood

to cast a black woman as Yoda.

I think black babies are cuter than white babies.

And I tell that to every white mother I meet.

So, case closed not racist.

I hate that man, he has to be destroyed!

He took away my family, innocents and purity.

Now, remember, I've got the ringy-ding-ding, but don’t tell my husband.

Now we make our move.

You stick Big Al with this.

It will look like he overdosed on that green shit

he’s been shoving up his big fat shnauz all this time.

Right?

Let's go, let's get that fucker.

Kill him.

Dammnit.

Bastard.

Fucking goddamn piece of shit.

Hey Big Al, you look like you're on top of the world.

How could I not be with all this hot ass?

And that Tempest is terrific!

We have to bring some of that back to New York huh?

More.

What was that?

What was what?

Looking at titties, titties, titties, money.

Yay!

I don’t feel good.

Want a doctor?

Somethings wrong.

False alarm everyone I just had to fart.

Antoinette, you smelly fart face cunt of a sister!

What the hell happened?

I don’t know I,I...

it could be that green stuff, the tempest

that stuff he has been snorting all day, maybe

it counteracted the poison in his system, I don’t know!

Ay Yai Yai.

Now what are we gonna do?

Does this dress make me look fat?

No, it doesn’t make you look fat.

Now focus, focus.

Now what?

We will go to the two people that really know about killing

Vamos.

Come on El Chapo.

I don’t know why my fishdicks keep dying.

I feed them the peyote just like the Indians told me and...

Hey Ariel what’s up?

Well boss,

I did what you asked.

I got them all here.

Good work.

Here.

Here's some crack.

You’ve earned it.

Fuck yeah.

That’s the shit.

So, now I am free from servitude and my wheelchair now.

No, I won’t free you until I have achieved my brutal vengeance.

Maybe then I could forgive you for trying to unionize

all the crackwhores in Tromaville.

Well damn.

But, tell me Ariel how did you manage to get the ship to turn around,

sail into that whale shitstorm

and get those people to land in Tromaville New Jersey?

All I had to do is get the captain alone

and the rest was easy.

Pretty please, I can’t see the whales.

No!

We aren’t gonna change the course to see some whales,

this isn’t make a wish foundation!

Not even for me?

No means no!

It would be violating the rules of the sea.

Look Captain,

I have come here to chew bubblegum and eat ass

and due to my muscular condition I am unable to chew bubblegum.

What do you mean by that?

What did you say?

Ahhh!

Ahh what are you doing?

Ahh! Your so strong!

What is this?

Its called muscular dystrophy.

Unbuckle your belt and show me your stern side big boy.

That’s no place for a woman's head to be.

Fish sticks for two.

Woah I’ll take this boat anywhere you want to go.

Oh I didn’t know it was gonna be that kind of party.

Men

always thinking with their buttholes.

That’s what mother used to tell me.

Dickie, dickie!

Wow, cock with a cock.

And he’s circumcised.

Cock on the loose! Cock on the loose!

Woah goddamnit!

When I’m feeling sad and lonely

I just kiss my one and only

standing by and faithful to the core.

Suck it in and blow it out my crack pipe

never screams or shouts thanks to her.

I'm the top crackwhore.

Sometimes I make love to iowaska.

Sometimes mushrooms make my juices flow.

Heroin can fuck me if I ask 'ya.

Sing it out in Prospero’s top ho.

There is nothing quite as whack as sucking dick

and smoking crack.

I’m just a junkie funky in despair.

If I do my master’s bidding,

and he conjures what's fitting

I’ll be freed from this wheelchair.

Hello everyone, good evening and welcome.

Live from public access Hollywood this

is Breaking Bard.

We have assembled the world’s leading Shakespearian scholars.

So what do you think of this movie?

It is absolutely crass,

juvenile and stupid.

Professor Bellgoodie

I could not agree more.

The greatest writer in history reduced to sex

and bottley waste jokes.

Shameful!

Absolute poppycock.

Bow tie, fuck off!

This is the greatest adaptation of my work ever.

I mean this is the first time they got it right.

Really?

Fuck yeah!

Well, I find it deeply offensive and highly triggering.

It's straight white sis males adapting the

work of another straight white sis male.

Have you ever even read William Shakespeare’s The Tempest?

I have never read anything that wasn’t a blog or a menu!

Lights.

I am a plus sized woman with full sized opinions thank you.

Censorship a bitch man.

Oh what fools these mortals be.

Am I right, am I right?

Your right.

Interesting story behind that line.

So, Walter Raleigh and I were in a bar in Tijuana

doing a two shilling donkey show.

There I was just sucking the cock of an ass

and the crowd was cheering me on throwing money at me

and I thought to myself

“what fools these mortals be”.

I mean I would have blown that donkey for free.

The Bard is a fraud.

Bacon!

I’m Francis Bacon, and I wrote Shakespeare’s plays.

All of them.

Your a fucking liar.

Let’s return to the movie.

Wait, wait.

The white owners are making the black person do all the cleaning?

Do jews count as white people?

Most of the time.

So how did you end up working here?

It started long ago.

This building was once owned by mother.

It was the best crack house in Tromaville.

One of the five best in all of New Jersey.

Business was so good we had to stack the crackheads four high.

But, it didn’t last long after 9/11 people weren’t smoking crack as much.

The boom had ended.

Slowly fewer and fewer people came to get

fucked up and pass out in our building.

It got to the point that the only time anybody came in...

Can I use your bathroom?

Twenty-five cents.

Was to use our shit bucket.

Oh god, sing it to the world, oh.

An old Italian jew came by one day and asked to buy the place.

My mom was thrilled.

For an extra fifty dollars you can have her too.

Then my momma told me.

You belong to that nice jew man now baby.

I’m gonna go and smoke some crack myself.

I’ll be back for you sometime my girl.

So, in the meantime keep this safe for me.

And that, my little snowflakes,

was fifteen years ago.

I’m still waiting for my moms to come back.

Wait.

So, this Prospero owns you?

I guess so.

I mean, shit sucks

The hose is over there you two go clean yourself off.

Actual slave owning oh my god.

Not to mention the gentrification of closing down

a black owned crackhouse.

Well wait.

Prospero.

Why does that name sound familiar?

Oh my god!

That’s the sombrero pharmaceutical guy.

He masturbated to a Japanese girl.

Wait.

The one social justice activist have told tales about

from way back in the dark ages way before social media?

Yes.

You know what we must do.

Here is how Bernie can still win the 2016 election...

It's the snowflake signal.

Let's go!

...And that is why I am proud to be a woman with HPV.

Cheers!

I feel so strange.

My breasts are so swollen.

Mine too.

What the fuck!?

I think we just need to do more Tempest.

I never felt like this before.

What the fuck!?

It burns then it gets good.

Say do you feel a little strange?

Like a little itchy?

Yeah, my clam has been killing me all day.

Yes, yes the tempest is kicking in.

It's begins.

Murder revenge, murder revenge.

I can’t believe after all of these years

I finally met the man of my dreams.

Here.

You're so wonderful.

I can’t tell you how much I love you.

You’ve licked my wick

your face, your voice, your smell,

the slight curve of your banana dick.

Act Four:

Hymen’s Lamps Shall Light the Way.

You’re a mountain flower.

I’m a fecal bloom.

I can feel you growing.

I’m spreading for you.

I’ve been in New Jersey

it hasn’t been fun.

Now you're here with me

and I think you're

the one... two, three, four!

It's a renaissance in my underpants.

Yeah!

It's a renaissance in my underpants.

Oh yeah!

A renaissance in my underpants.

This shitstorm got me wet.

This shitstorm got me wet.

This shitstorm got me...

Moans

Oh, Ferdinand!

Ferdinand!

Oh, I’m so in love.

So much in love.

With my Miranda.

Let my heart sing out

from every window and veranda.

Than she, there’s nothing sweeter

and she’s in pentameter.

I know, wherever I go, I’ll feel a glow

when I wank to my Miranda.

Hey!

I know wherever I go I’ll feel a glow

when I bury sweet Miranda.

Ferdinand, oh fuck me with your big hard cock.

Thankfully my underwear was only full of blood, ahh!

Fuck me with your big hard banana dick!

Where else can I mastrubate?

You can masturbate anywhere!

I’m masturbating standing up!

Who is it?

It's Ferdinand.

Just a second I am brushing up on my braille.

Hey there.

Miranda?

You're so fast.

I just wanted to make sure you are okay

and maybe we can go somewhere and talk or something.

I have a better idea.

Why don’t we go downstairs and join the party?

Oh thank you.

What a gentleman.

After you.

Probably shouldn’t be going first you know?

Good sir, are you the Quaker Oats man?

No, I’m Shylock. I’ve come to claim my pound of ass.

You're in the wrong play moron!

and its pounds of flesh, not ass.

Anti-semite bastard.

Sgt. Kabukiman

Out! Out! Out!

NYPD... it's your destiny.

Stop!

have I ever told you two how important you are to

Avonbard Incorporated?

Subtitles late.

Oh there it is.

Listen, listen carefully.

The whole purpose of this is to...

What’s in it for us?

Only forty percent of everything.

And Senator Sebastian will throw in a couple

of hand jobs for both of you, at the same time.

Yes, they're gonna be firm.

Okay.

Bet you I can kill him from here.

Aren’t throwing stars Japanese?

No!

I need more strippers!

More tempest.

You, with the boobies!

Cheers to you all!

Always keep your dignity.

Shakespeare.

Drink it buddy!

Drink it! Yes!

I just got waterboarded.

Guantanamo Bay.

Social justice warriors...

...come out to play.

Social justice warriors...

...come out to play!

Fellow warriors,

we gather here today to take down yet another oppressor

who dares to think, speak and act in ways we don’t approve of!

Come back here you cock- a doodle - douchebag!

Goddamnit!

We have with us here Caliban, a victim

of this sombrero appropriating monster.

Go ahead, Caliban, express your pain.

So, Prospero bosses me around and shit.

He makes me separate the paper from the glass recyclables.

Crowd Gasp

Classic white male!

White mansplaining how to recycle.

Disgusting

Also, he makes jokes.

Oh no, racially insensitive jokes?

Nah, mostly fart jokes.

you know it's just not my kind of humor.

There is nothing funny about this world!

Fuck jokes, fuck jokes, fuck jokes….

Also, technically he owns me.

We must destroy this man!

Kill him!

Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!

Misery acquaints a nigger with some strange bedfellows.

Oh no the “n” word!

Oh no!

I know it's yours to say because you technically have ownership

of that word,

but its not ours to hear.

It's not ours to hear!

Get out of our ears “N” word.

Deep breaths, deep breaths, find the safe space inside,

find the safe space inside.

I don’t really know these niggers.

Oh wonder... how this goodly creature is now here.

How beauteous mankind is.

Oh brave new world.

That has such people in it.

Miranda.

I need more strippers and drugs!

Tempest drugs!

I’m sorry I need to go help my father.

Okay.

I’m not quite done partying yet!

Dad you have to stop.

Don’t tell your father what to do my boy!

I’m your boss.

And I do what I want!

I’ll fuck and snort everything in this club!

You are embarrassing yourself!

And me!

Daddy, I got the best news ever.

I met the most wonderful guy and we're in love.

His name is Ferdinand.

Frankly I am beginning to have some reservations about Avonbard

and if Safespacia is really ethical to put on the market.

I’m not so sure it should have been approved.

I hate to break it to you Ferdinand

but nothing we market today is safe.

You're in love with the son of the man who destroyed my life!?

Oh, right.

I forgot about that.

But, daddy he’s nothing like his father at all.

He’s so sweet and so funny and he smells so good.

And daddy his dick is shaped like a banana...

Hold on, hold your horses there.

Miranda you are not going out with that man.

I’m going to annihilate his family.

You're not interfering with my plan.

Now!

If you pardon... stop being such a hard-on.

My god.

Why do you foist such dangerous addictive drugs

onto an unknowing public!

Money!

Are you really quite so stupid?

We don’t care about these people’s wellbeing.

We just want to get them hooked and sky high.

And then have them repeat until they up and die.

The quality of mercy is not strained.

Open thy gate of mercy gracious god.

Be kind.

Mother of fuck, stop with that stupid Shakespeare

or I’ll slap your behind.

I can't see.

But, you're the one who’s blind.

Get thee to their room until this messy business ends.

I will have my brutal revenge.

A banana.

I thought deep down you were a decent man.

But, in truth you really are a monster.

Fuck you!

Stop being such a nag!

Get a life, stop acting like a fag!

I need more strippers!

Oh I like a girl who can’t run away.

Ta-da.

I’m head over wheels for you matey.

Act Five:

Unnatural though thou art.

Now is the winter of our discontent.

It's the best of times and the worst of times,

to put our plan into action.

Look.

I must urinate.

Now, now, now come on.

Come on yes.

Hi Big Al.

Hi dear brother, how’s it going tonight?

Hey, is everybody in this place pissing green goo or is it just me?

Everybody.

Oh good. Pretty great party right?

You better enjoy it my dear

because today is your last day as a living creature on this planet.

What are you talking about?

It's my time now.

I have been working all these years while you’ve been partying

and stuffing drugs down your gullet and fucking them whores.

I hate you, I'm taking over.

We’re gonna kill you.

We’re gonna kill you.

You think you’ll get away with that?

Oh yeah with a body full of drugs

beaten to death, strangled to death, head in the toilet

it's so common that no one can deny.

In New Jersey no one even bats an eye.

Yeah it's a Jersey thing.

Say goodbye to everything.

My vagina.

Muchacho

Prospero wins!

Here he comes you fuckers.

Let him remain the master of his time.

Yeah here I come.

The croaking raven doth bellow for revenge.

Oh I’m gonna kill all these pharmaceutical douchebags.

I got my brand new nikes on

and my Kazakhstan heirloom robe and I’m gonna kill them all.

I can’t believe daddy telling me

I can’t be in love.

What a dick move.

We need to realize we're not our dads

We must be better than those nasty cads.

And hear this Avonbard

I quit.

My dad can run this business into shit.

I would not wish for any companion in the world but you.

Coughs

Sorry.

Coughs

Oh!

What’s happening to us?

It's time now for brutal vengeance.

What's past is prologue!

What's past is prologue!

What’s past is fucking prologue!

Prospero.

Look I’m trying to unveil my masterplan

and your equipment keeps fucking up.

This is very very embarrassing.

ho-hold on everybody.

Huzzah! Tis I, tis I who is beckoning.

Times up and now welcome to your final reckoning.

That is the shittiest couplet I have heard and I am out of here.

Your fired.

You scum soaked douchebags.

You ruined my work

and all the rest.

You destroyed everything I believed in even my name.

Well, I’ve created something that is besting it.

It's called Tempest.

Sadly there are some bad side effects.

But, thank you all for testing it.

Nooooo!

So, in Shakespeare’s play, Ariel represents

water and air.

Nooooo!

Oh god oh.

Oh, I suppose you want to go and help your father.

I’ve spent my life trying to please the man.

And take good care of him and now I’m done.

I just want to be with you Miranda.

Sorry, but when there’s a private party, nobody crosses this line.

Listen, we really respect you doing your job but you need to let us in.

There’s a man in there who says things we don’t like

and he needs to be publicly executed by an angry mob.

Alright.

Go on in.

Yeah!

Yep, these are the times that try men’s souls.

They.

They shall be hunted soundly.

And so should the rest of you phony pharmaceutical fuck heads.

At this hour lie at my mercy oh my enemies.

Prospero it isn’t what you thought.

It isn’t what you thought.

Have mercy.

Soon all my labor shall be done.

And thou dear reader shall breath the air of freedom.

But you,

you all will have a taste of your own medicine.

You’ll have your own big Pharma!

(Music)

I know wherever I go...

(Music)

Let’s turn Senator cunt into Senator Vagina!

No forgiveness!

Yes!

Looks like we got a squirter!

It's amazing.

I believe we have reached the end of life's great journey.

(Singing)

String section, oboes.

Yeah, full orchestra!

Yes, yes, yes!

That’s gruesome.

That’s more gruesome than my mother-in-law.

I’m feeling discomfort.

Before now the worst thing I ever experienced was mean words.

Oh no!

Trini are you mutating too?

Kind of.

After seeing all this,

I realize there are worse things in the world than

inappropriate jokes or halloween costumes.

I’ve gained perspective.

Oh no.

Are you dying?

Yes.

Yes I am.

No social justice warrior can survive perspective.

We are just too damn trivial.

Hashtag me in your memories.

Oh I get it we’re all supposed to learn a lesson from that right?

Being outraged all the time is shallow and lacks perspective.

We all act like entitled children.

Well, let me explain to all you people,

why none of this is funny.

(Moans)

Hakuna.

Matata.

Hakuna.

Matata.

Hakuna.

Matata.

Hakuna.

Matata.

Hakuna.

Matata.

Nice.

And you my traitorous sack of shit sister, any final words?

Oh, it cannot end like this.

Oh.

I was the first woman to be vice president of this corporation.

I was the first woman to embezzle five hundred million dollars.

I was the first woman to have the US congressman assassinated.

All I have to do is persist and then reclaim my time.

For a woman like me the sky’s the limit.

Klaatu barada nikto!

Bippity Boppity Boo Bitch!

A glass ceiling shattered on her.

Ha ha ha ha...

That’s irony.

Prospero!

For all I’ve done to thee I offer my sincere apology.

Avonbard from this day forward will aim to cure man’s problems

not to add to them.

Please just let me live.

And then you will see I will make the world a better place to be.

You expect me to forgive you after all you’ve done?

Nigga please.

Daddy?

Miranda.

Dad?

Look daddy.

Miranda where’s your cane?

And your skirt it’s not shit-stained.

What happened?

Daddy I can see!

My vision’s clear.

True love has fixed my sight.

Or else in truth Ferdinand has fucked the blindness out.

We’re in love and want so much to marry.

And now I see so well that I can wipe.

(Farts)

Please dad with Big Al smoke the peace pipe.

Please.

Please.

Silly.

Ferdinand

Your love has given my daughter back her sight.

Something I probably should have helped with years ago.

But, instead I focused on brutal vengeance.

I know I used to laugh when you’d fall down the stairs

and slip on banana peels and stuff.

But, please remember for me, New Jersey has been fucking rough.

And you Mr. Safespacia

you shall live if you amend your ways.

(Crowd cheers)

Your just lucky our children enjoy boning each other out.

Protester fucks and you the media,

you never listened to me when I tried to help you.

Your just third rate bloggers all of you

trying to make your bones on twitter hate and clickbait.

You get so angry at the appropriation of cultures

that all you do is drive a wedge further between us.

We don’t need Safespacia

we just need to embrace all our differences.

It's only,

only when we all join together

that we can achieve the full potential of humanity.

And that’s why I’ve created this wonderful drug

that appropriates the best

of gender,

of race,

and nationality!

Excuse me, old jew coming through.

Old jew coming through.

Hey folks.

Allow me to... disrobe.

So I can show you what is underneath dis' robe.

Ta-da!

You see?

I now have the properties of every race and culture on earth.

The brain of a jew.

Ooh

Mazel tov.

The literary skills of Russian.

The body of a German

Shepard

The gorgeous ass

of a Latina.

The small tight perfect pussy

of an Asain.

Oh my god I wish I were blind again.

To thine own self be true.

Claps

And of course

the penis of a black man.

The rhythm

of a black man.

The athletic ability

of a black man.

The skin tone and credit score

of a caucasian.

That will help.

And

the piece de resistance

a wonderful dwarf’s hand

to help me do what I need to do.

I am now the ultimate in appropriation.

(Clapping)

Wait, so you're saying you identify as everything?

That you’ve... transitioned?

Well yes but I...

You're so brave.

So brave, so brave, so brave…

Wait a minute you're supposed to be triggered.

I’m not brave, I’m a raged filled psychopath.

Do not put me on a pedestal.

Hey wait, no, no, no.

Wait a minute.

(Screams)

Appropriating different races, nationalities and genders…

The action just keeps getting hotter, primetime

Sam Roberts back here

with the ultimate appropriator Prospero.

Let me just say what a thrill it is

to have an American hero in the White House today.

Mr. Prosperoh Prospect Park, Prospero you're a great guy.

So brave.

Wow, he’s so hot.

He’s so inclusive.

We are gonna give you a natural look

with some drama in the eyes.

Its very on brand.

Five minutes everyone.

Your back hair is on fleek.

Thank you.

Our revels now are ended.

These our actors, As I foretold you, were spirits

and Are melted into air now,

into thin air.

And, like the baseless fabric of this vision

The cloud-capp'd towers, The solemn temples, the gorgeous palaces

the great globe itself, Yea,

all which it inherit, shall dissolve,

And like this insubstantial pageant faded

Leave not even a tricked out wheelchair behind.

Thank you for freeing me Prospero.

Now I know what I must do.

(Moans)

Prospero was true to his word

and set me free from wheelchair confinement.

And now you must be true to your word

and help save humanity.

Now open wide my love.

Ooh, What a honeymoon!

It's so beautiful.

Everybody got a happy ending but me.

The black guy don’t ever get a happy ending.

But, at least I didn’t get killed off.

Caliban?

Momma?

You came back for me.

Oh yes baby momma took a spiritual journey

and found herself.

I even wrote a book about it.

I was looking for that.

I always thought that was a little

flute.

Looks good ladies.

Oprah’s ready for you Mr. Prospero.

We are such stuff as dreams are made on

and our little life

is rounded with a sleep.

Everybody give it up for our next guest: Prospero!

You know who my dad looks like?

Who?

Mel Brooks.

So, pretty fucking woke right?

I haven’t seen anything like it...

Fortunately.

So, I’ve clearly reached perfection,

it's time for me to shuffle off this mortal coil.

Peace out mother fuckers!

Told you I was a good dancer, huh Ferdinand?

Ferdinand?

Ferdinand?

What was that?

All is whale ends whale.