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[Music]
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[Applause]
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ladies and gentlemen welcome to the arts
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hater can you please go mental for jim
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jefra
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hey hey yo goin to welcome to the
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recording of my first ever DVD people so
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thank you for coming
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oh yeah whoo you see me before me yo
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he's never see me okay you do sing like
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a have your badge well it is it's just
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basically a lot of stories heading up to
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the age I am now I just wanted to rip
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off the 300 poster so it's really got
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nothing to do with [ __ ] nothing
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there's no point in it right all right I
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get to travel on this joy actually this
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is the third day on the tour two days
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ago I was in Helsinki doing a gig and
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that which we got 600 people came to the
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[ __ ] gig but only because I just like
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going are you the man who got punched in
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the face so good to see you oh [ __ ] I
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went to Sweden man the Swedish people
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the best looking people I've ever seen
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my entire life I didn't see one ugly
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[ __ ] I was out there I think they
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might be killing the ugly people now I'm
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not saying they walk around killing
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people I'm saying they're doing it from
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birth right but be like a woman giving
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birth to be like a doctor and they'll be
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like an official guy in the corner right
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the doctor pulls it back yeah he shows
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it to the official bloke he goes no the
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doctor gets the babies he throws it in
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the corner with all the other ugly dead
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babies and there's such a rational breed
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and I think the woman would even be
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obsessed I think she just be going more
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lead I agree was it
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thank you for saving me from the shame
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with my own fortune I shouldn't have had
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sex with a Scottish man how did the
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balcony people yes I can't see you I
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just wanna know if there were some
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people up there I'll tell you feel about
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me family me 15 year old cousin has
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recently become pregnant and I'm really
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offended by this is a taxpayer I think
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it'd be kind of Ford if I can cut the
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[ __ ] thing out but it's not much from
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Yanni that's it take care of it yeah
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she's got a [ __ ] keepers fifteen
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minutes she's gotta [ __ ] keep this
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thing up but I wait too rough school
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right I was 14 15 16
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no one was [ __ ] at boys school nobody
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not even the cool kids were [ __ ]
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right we were happy with fingering right
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bring that back I can finger a girl in
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February that'll keep me going through a
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little [ __ ] August right these kids
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that I they all fight each other they
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all get [ __ ] not that they get sex
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education or I never had no sex
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education no I didn't even have a sister
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buddy right
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these kids then sex education and a
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Monday or a Wednesday whenever they have
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it they're all [ __ ] each other or
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getting pregnant I think too much
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information I think we should [ __ ] sex
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education off completely
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and just start showing these kids
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pornography from a very young age at
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least that way the boys are going to
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come on the girls faces
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[Applause]
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trying to make a difference in people
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saying we [ __ ] the grandmother died
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last July she's 92 she's meant to [ __ ]
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die yeah probably more surprising she'd
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a boat across rally or so towards the
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end she just died she had like four
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strokes and she had dementia she's just
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like a head in a chair really and and
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she had dementia or as I like to call it
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honesty there's the old people telling
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the truth thinking I walk his planet for
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92 years I'm sick of lying to [ __ ]
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she's taking my money that's not my son
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and she was meant to do it like two
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years ago my kept on getting strokes
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rule I mean rang up on my mum game she
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like two days to live right so she goes
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better ringing grandmother she's gonna
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die any minute write something out so
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hey grandma how are you and she goes not
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too good and I went yeah I heard that
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hear you're not doing well look around
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I'm gonna miss you I love you I'm sorry
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dying and see where I love you too Jim
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and then I cried and I thought well
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that's that I've put the phone down and
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I went back to the PlayStation all right
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and then like two years on she wasn't
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dead what do you do do you call back
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what's the protocol do you go good for
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you yeah right every time she was gonna
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die so cuz my father lives in if I can
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see near my grandmother's in Queensland
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he would go up to Barry's mom but
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because of her not dying you'd go up
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there and every time you have to take
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time off work and all that and every
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time we come back down I'll ring him up
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and go the grandma died and he go nut
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and I go there like next time she will
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all she's got like 12 grandkids and we
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all got the same inherence we all got
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100 bucks that's Australian
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how did dollars Australian that's back
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in 38 quit right
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for to update is that right how is her
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spirit mentally hot and those people can
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[ __ ] hang on forever and ever because
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they're worried about the afterlife she
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wasn't gonna [ __ ] die
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that's the same reason the old Pope not
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the Nazi we got now the one before that
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Brian he wouldn't remember the one that
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was curved like a banana right he
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wouldn't die because he was religious
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and evilly every time there was like a
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pedophile in the Catholic Church he
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would just move them to a different
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church so that God's not watching we're
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okay now it's all gone a bit weird
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because I mention pedophilia don't think
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that I don't know that pedophilia is a
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very awkward subject to bring up at a
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comedy gig at the five-minute mark of
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the show but let's have a go I made some
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personal I was molested by Scoutmaster
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when I was young this is true he never
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physically touched me or penetrated me
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he used to put me in a corner and
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masturbate on me but still not a great
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day I find I find pedophilia to be a
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very it's a very awkward there's an in
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society if there's certain pedophiles
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that we condemn and then there's other
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pedophiles that when they do we don't
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even notice we just put it under the
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carpet and go I don't talk about that
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this does everyone know that Elvis
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Presley was a pedophile all right
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there's no debating this Elvis Presley
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had Priscilla Presley moving to his
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house at 14 years of age where a pony
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factor and married at 16 or 17 or
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something so Elvis who is a pedophile
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you happy with that right
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Chaplin Charlie Chaplin was a pedophile
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in fact 13 year olds 14 years
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fifteen-year-old girls yet there's a
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statue in the middle of Leicester Square
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of Charlie Chaplin where you can have
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your photograph taken with the pedophile
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we forgive them because they're the best
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in their field there's never gonna be
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another king of rock and roll and I
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promise you there'll never be a better
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silent movie star at what point do is a
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society go but they work good like what
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I'm trying to say is how talented do you
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have to be to [ __ ] a kid alright Gary
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Whitta third hey then did a good song
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don't [ __ ] a key back to my grandma ah
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I'll tell you what they were right when
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I was 17 years old I was in a school
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musical as you do when you're in high
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school you do think plays and stuff like
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that I was in a school musical I don't
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believe wrong and we grandmother came
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down from Queensland to come and see
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there's a musical and stay with us since
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she was staying in my room and I had to
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keep out in the [ __ ] living room on
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the couch so she's there for a little
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while
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I mean mum goes guys singing grandmother
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is song and I'm like you sing her a
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[ __ ] song guys sing it grandmother's
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song I'm not gonna sing her song and
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then I hear for my bedroom is Jim gonna
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sing me a song all right yes grandma
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[ __ ] [ __ ] so I walk in there and I
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go what song would you like to hear
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grandma and she said stormy weather and
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sorry don't know why there's no Sun up
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in the sky and my grandmother looked at
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me adoringly is only a grandmother could
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look at her grandson singing a song and
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then I finished the song and I went
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there you go grandma
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that's your song and I went to walk away
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and as I was walking away my grandmother
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goes I'll tell you a story and I'm like
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of course you tell me a [ __ ] story
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you've never not told me story one day
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I'll get 38 tweeting this will all be
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worthwhile
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what's the story I see guys I used to
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live in this town called gimpy this is a
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real town in Queensland and I lived in
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gimpy and there was a showroom and I on
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a Wednesday they would have local lads
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who'd come and sing in the cabaret bar
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and afterwards there was a singer who
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sang beautifully just like you and
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afterwards I got talking to him and he
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asked me to go for a drive and he's
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Karen he drove me up to the coast and he
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laid a blanket down and we made love
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under the stars this is why she's back
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before this stage telling the grandson
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is coming and I'm the guy that's a great
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story grandma and she goes net as I was
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laying there with the moon glistening
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off my naked body I looked up at him and
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I said sing me a song and he sang me
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stormy weather that's why she was
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looking at me and Dorothy she wasn't
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thinking of her grandson's sing a song
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she was thinking a Johnny [ __ ]
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Showtime [ __ ] her on the beach I had
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made this woman wet for the first time
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in 40 odd years
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so we're all drinking tonight I hope
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it's [ __ ] Saturday you've got to get
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piss this is good Fred I don't like
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people who don't drink don't trust my I
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got friends that don't drink I wouldn't
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stop being your friend if you stopped
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drinking because anyone who doesn't
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drink is a boring [ __ ]
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right if you're a non-drinker your
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story's [ __ ] suck all your stories in
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the same way with and then I got home
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right no one gives a [ __ ] that you've
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been promoted at work no one gives a
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[ __ ] that your kids don't have bruises
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you're a boring dick you have a acid on
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drinking while I don't drink I give you
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the same stupid answer every [ __ ]
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time you go why don't you drink and I go
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I don't like the taste of it nobody does
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no one likes the taste of it we drinkers
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we have to because life's a miserable
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piece of [ __ ] no one has ever had a shot
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at Sakura God oh that's lovely
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next time I'll have that instead of
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dessert my grandmother said me she was
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00:11:28,089 --> 00:11:29,649
worried what was gonna happen afterwards
267
00:11:29,649 --> 00:11:31,360
right as an atheist I don't give a [ __ ]
268
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,130
about dying I'm looking forward to it
269
00:11:33,130 --> 00:11:36,730
right I am because I believe in heaven I
270
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,139
don't believe in hell I'll just rot in
271
00:11:38,139 --> 00:11:39,040
the [ __ ] ground
272
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,810
all right I don't even want the option
273
00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:42,279
of heaven I don't want to exist in a
274
00:11:42,279 --> 00:11:43,720
conscious state for the rest of eternity
275
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,880
constantly thinking I don't like
276
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,290
thinking as it is where's my passport
277
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:50,699
can't punch women in the street
278
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:55,310
the Bible cause heaven eternal bliss I
279
00:11:55,310 --> 00:11:57,200
don't care how blissful is it's eternal
280
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,580
you get used to it and then you'd be
281
00:11:58,580 --> 00:12:01,790
[ __ ] bored and watch hell meant to be
282
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:03,920
like fire and brimstone eternal agony
283
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,839
that's what's written in the Bible
284
00:12:05,839 --> 00:12:08,870
that's God's book as far as I know the
285
00:12:08,870 --> 00:12:12,470
devil hasn't brought out a book we don't
286
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:14,089
know you saw the argument right if you
287
00:12:14,089 --> 00:12:16,070
ask me the devil and God are having an
288
00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:17,450
argument the devil's being a bigger
289
00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:19,339
[ __ ] man because God's just right and
290
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,800
[ __ ] about him and the devil's going I'm
291
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:27,800
not even gonna [ __ ] comment son you
292
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,270
don't want to live forever and a
293
00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:31,130
conscience you don't want eternal life
294
00:12:31,130 --> 00:12:33,080
life is [ __ ] all right
295
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,450
life is a horrible disappointment one
296
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,490
after the [ __ ] next right if you
297
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,200
don't think it is disappointing right
298
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,460
I'll do this down okay
299
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,140
give me a camera all right straighten on
300
00:12:42,140 --> 00:12:44,060
my face right everybody listen to me and
301
00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:46,040
if you're watching at home right look at
302
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,420
the person next to you that you love
303
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:49,100
more than anyone in the world right and
304
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:51,710
know that sooner or later one of you
305
00:12:51,710 --> 00:12:53,540
will be dead and the other one will be
306
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:59,270
miserable just something to think about
307
00:12:59,270 --> 00:13:03,260
I told you like the only reason you
308
00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:04,580
people are here is because you want me
309
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:06,110
to make you laugh for a [ __ ] hour
310
00:13:06,110 --> 00:13:07,760
because you know when you go back to
311
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,020
work on Monday your life's gonna be [ __ ]
312
00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:13,790
and then you'll be dead and what's about
313
00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:15,170
to happen when you die you're going to
314
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:16,790
heaven to see big bright light you walk
315
00:13:16,790 --> 00:13:18,200
towards a like what's at the end of the
316
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,620
light or your dead relatives
317
00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:24,560
well what these [ __ ] do you ever
318
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,330
spent a weekend your grandparents house
319
00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:29,150
it's [ __ ] [ __ ] be up there for an
320
00:13:29,150 --> 00:13:30,709
hour ago and we show me friends would
321
00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:32,950
die
322
00:13:34,290 --> 00:13:36,250
if you have that meeting everyone
323
00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:39,100
telling Nana how I graduated Oh
324
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:44,320
I'm GU used to touch me how did you get
325
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,130
up it
326
00:13:45,130 --> 00:13:48,100
oh that's right you used to work for the
327
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:55,630
church they've got a very mixed response
328
00:13:55,630 --> 00:13:57,870
ah
329
00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:01,030
that's everything about this Rhino I've
330
00:14:01,030 --> 00:14:02,440
been picking on the Christians the
331
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,850
Catholics or whatever they [ __ ] call
332
00:14:03,850 --> 00:14:06,100
themself if you're religious you're
333
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:06,700
[ __ ] Heat
334
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:09,790
all right Point Blank the guy in the
335
00:14:09,790 --> 00:14:11,440
cloud and all that you're [ __ ] [ __ ]
336
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,870
right read a science book what's your
337
00:14:13,870 --> 00:14:16,000
Richard Dawkins documentary you dumb
338
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,700
[ __ ] [ __ ] right there is no white
339
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,920
creation but they're just an Adam and
340
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,660
Eve [ __ ] each other and we're all [ __ ]
341
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:24,490
off you idiot right
342
00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:26,650
there was a big arc with two animals how
343
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:29,010
the [ __ ] slides get there in two days
344
00:14:29,010 --> 00:14:31,180
they're like they came from the four
345
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:32,050
corners of the earth
346
00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:33,970
this [ __ ] slow-moving animals never
347
00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:35,830
with a [ __ ] mate however the polar
348
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:38,200
bears mixing up with the [ __ ] gorillas
349
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,710
and sheep
350
00:14:42,150 --> 00:14:44,500
now please do not think that I'm just
351
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:46,690
picking on the Christians I think all
352
00:14:46,690 --> 00:14:48,730
religious people are ridiculous right so
353
00:14:48,730 --> 00:14:51,900
let's have it go at all of them shall we
354
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:56,580
Jews what's all that about what's with
355
00:14:56,580 --> 00:15:00,180
the curly sideburns we're in the poorest
356
00:15:00,180 --> 00:15:02,190
safe now loves meat thou shalt look like
357
00:15:02,190 --> 00:15:06,920
a dick putting a fat [ __ ]
358
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,360
whoa I wanna fight you you look like you
359
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:15,930
can't take care of yourself then there's
360
00:15:15,930 --> 00:15:17,940
our Muslim friends the [ __ ] movies
361
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:19,250
are mental
362
00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,930
thank [ __ ] the movies don't drink is
363
00:15:21,930 --> 00:15:23,640
they'd be out of control if they [ __ ]
364
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,060
did they just down a tolerant bunch that
365
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:27,630
was easy
366
00:15:27,630 --> 00:15:30,000
covering covering women's faces and
367
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,740
cutting producers off isn't just a bit
368
00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:34,740
of culture right it's horrible it's
369
00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:37,050
[ __ ] horrible right you carry the
370
00:15:37,050 --> 00:15:38,730
Cheney Bear remember the little teddy
371
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,680
bear that was called Mohammed that light
372
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,750
he didn't deserve to be they wanted to
373
00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:44,310
kill her and lash her in a [ __ ]
374
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:47,100
square for calling a teddy bear Mohammed
375
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,050
right now if there's any Muslim
376
00:15:49,050 --> 00:15:52,440
fundamentalist in the room all right you
377
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,270
see this microphone I'm calling it
378
00:15:54,270 --> 00:15:57,270
Mohammed all right and it's [ __ ] guy
379
00:15:57,270 --> 00:16:00,390
it's a guy microphone called Mohammed
380
00:16:00,390 --> 00:16:02,279
and all it wants to do is roll the Quran
381
00:16:02,279 --> 00:16:05,900
up and [ __ ] itself off the eyes
382
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,280
that joke has limited some of my holiday
383
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:20,990
destinations you can't drink there it's
384
00:16:20,990 --> 00:16:25,490
not really a [ __ ] holiday [ __ ] coming
385
00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:27,680
out [ __ ] drinking who you poop you a
386
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,600
D and they've given us all plastic cups
387
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,970
like with [ __ ] kids and you have to
388
00:16:31,970 --> 00:16:33,950
spend three pounds 50 for a pint in
389
00:16:33,950 --> 00:16:35,000
Britain and they serve it to you in
390
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,330
plastic let's be honest you British
391
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:41,950
people out responsible and after class a
392
00:16:43,650 --> 00:16:45,090
you know what you happen when you get
393
00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:46,860
glass one of you gets angry don't know
394
00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:48,240
why don't you will smash the glass
395
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,980
against the bar shove a shot of glass
396
00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:52,350
into someone else's face you're the only
397
00:16:52,350 --> 00:16:53,880
nation of people to use the word glass
398
00:16:53,880 --> 00:17:03,360
is a verb come out go to a nightclub you
399
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,220
get peace you go to the toilet go to
400
00:17:05,220 --> 00:17:06,359
wash your hands you don't have to wash
401
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,550
your hands why not because it's a
402
00:17:08,550 --> 00:17:11,130
[ __ ] toilet attendant there the guy
403
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:12,210
with the middle tray with the whole
404
00:17:12,210 --> 00:17:14,819
pound coins on him a few bits of [ __ ]
405
00:17:14,819 --> 00:17:16,170
perfume a couple of chocolate chomps and
406
00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:19,020
a bit of chewing gum and he's ready with
407
00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:23,430
the soap I can hate those [ __ ] I'm not
408
00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:24,930
going to give you a pair mate I've
409
00:17:24,930 --> 00:17:27,569
washed my hands before I'm [ __ ] good
410
00:17:27,569 --> 00:17:28,770
at it right
411
00:17:28,770 --> 00:17:32,010
it's one of my skills oh I'm not the
412
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,870
most hygienic guy in the world anyway I
413
00:17:33,870 --> 00:17:35,520
was just sniffing coke off a toilet seat
414
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:40,680
for [ __ ] sake yeah walk down there and
415
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:41,850
not wash your hands
416
00:17:41,850 --> 00:17:44,370
they look at you like you're scum I'm
417
00:17:44,370 --> 00:17:48,470
scum you were gonna [ __ ] toilet night
418
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,910
tell you story I was out in South Africa
419
00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:56,040
doing some some gigs I was out there
420
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,690
with a gay comedian he took me to this
421
00:17:57,690 --> 00:18:00,300
day club in South African we took 2 X C
422
00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:01,800
tablets each right he's off on the dance
423
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,560
floor trying to get some dick I'm
424
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,150
setting the bar chatting to a couple of
425
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:07,470
lads I've never met before one of them
426
00:18:07,470 --> 00:18:09,660
goes you're wasted ayah and I way yep
427
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:11,160
and he goes do you want to come to the
428
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,200
bathroom with me now as a drug taker I
429
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,560
think he's offering me a lot of chitin
430
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:20,820
so I went would I know I don't do that
431
00:18:20,820 --> 00:18:22,320
but put my arm around him dragged him
432
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:23,910
off to the toilet where this has got to
433
00:18:23,910 --> 00:18:28,260
be [ __ ] awesome man I went into the
434
00:18:28,260 --> 00:18:30,740
cubicle first to wipe the seat down
435
00:18:30,740 --> 00:18:34,770
then I leant out and beckoned him in now
436
00:18:34,770 --> 00:18:36,300
I know about all the men in the room I
437
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,770
know these day he's gonna get me old
438
00:18:37,770 --> 00:18:39,450
fella sucked off he takes a little while
439
00:18:39,450 --> 00:18:42,030
to stand to attention but he must really
440
00:18:42,030 --> 00:18:44,310
like me because he walked in with what I
441
00:18:44,310 --> 00:18:47,310
can only describe as a great big black
442
00:18:47,310 --> 00:18:52,710
[ __ ] shut the door to the cubicle there
443
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:56,250
are three people in the cubicle me him
444
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:59,520
and the great big black car since to
445
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,050
give dimensions the man who's this tall
446
00:19:01,050 --> 00:19:03,060
is this wide the coxal records poking
447
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,050
into my stomach
448
00:19:04,050 --> 00:19:13,020
I look up for him and I go I thought
449
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:16,920
we're gonna do some code and he went do
450
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,180
you want some coke first
451
00:19:19,180 --> 00:19:34,230
I only want coke
452
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,530
now I can see her with your accent you
453
00:19:39,530 --> 00:19:44,900
may have mistaken that for [ __ ] now I'd
454
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:46,160
like to say that something funny
455
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:54,860
happened after that what happened was I
456
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,840
told him I wasn't gay he apologized he
457
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,270
went out he bought me a drink and for
458
00:19:59,270 --> 00:20:07,700
the sake of comedy he raped me I'm gonna
459
00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:09,410
talk to you a bit about me Dad me dad's
460
00:20:09,410 --> 00:20:12,670
a weird cat right good guy he's not okay
461
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:15,110
my parents made me get a job when I was
462
00:20:15,110 --> 00:20:17,240
like [ __ ] 12 doing a paper round
463
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,250
because there was no mines in Sydney and
464
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:22,070
I had to go around the suburbs and
465
00:20:22,070 --> 00:20:23,840
deliver papers and at the end of the day
466
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,150
I had to go the news agency and anything
467
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:27,380
all the bins at the back of the news
468
00:20:27,380 --> 00:20:28,880
agency into a big metal skip it was a
469
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,490
[ __ ] cut of a job but the only good
470
00:20:31,490 --> 00:20:33,200
thing about it was at the end of the
471
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,910
month they used to throw away all the
472
00:20:34,910 --> 00:20:36,770
magazines and so on so there was massive
473
00:20:36,770 --> 00:20:39,830
porn right so I would collect these porn
474
00:20:39,830 --> 00:20:41,870
mags up fill me backpack up with him go
475
00:20:41,870 --> 00:20:43,640
home take the point next to school
476
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,740
summer for a fiver a magazine I was
477
00:20:45,740 --> 00:20:47,510
making more out of my porn Empire than I
478
00:20:47,510 --> 00:20:48,110
ever did
479
00:20:48,110 --> 00:20:50,570
out of the paper round right now I had a
480
00:20:50,570 --> 00:20:52,970
drawer under me bed that was four foot
481
00:20:52,970 --> 00:20:55,510
by two foot which are packed full porn
482
00:20:55,510 --> 00:20:57,890
why do I come home here OU's been
483
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,540
cleaned it's [ __ ] spotless right
484
00:20:59,540 --> 00:21:01,400
first thing I do is I run to the porn
485
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,920
drawer right I open it up empty alright
486
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,960
guys to the living room now my mum's out
487
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,730
there sitting in chair now did anyone
488
00:21:07,730 --> 00:21:09,370
have a parent that had their own chair
489
00:21:09,370 --> 00:21:11,690
they were the country parent that were
490
00:21:11,690 --> 00:21:14,450
never the noise parents right if you're
491
00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:15,740
a parent out there and you have your own
492
00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:18,230
chair you're a [ __ ] Nazi dick right
493
00:21:18,230 --> 00:21:20,090
it's not being such a fascist seat
494
00:21:20,090 --> 00:21:24,590
somewhere else we control the world so
495
00:21:24,590 --> 00:21:26,990
my mom looks meet you guys I cleaned
496
00:21:26,990 --> 00:21:28,820
your room I went yeah yeah thanks for
497
00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:30,710
that mum but then she never mentioned
498
00:21:30,710 --> 00:21:33,500
anything right week later I'm out me dad
499
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,210
[ __ ] and I'm hammering a nail into the
500
00:21:35,210 --> 00:21:36,950
bench right for no apparent reason but
501
00:21:36,950 --> 00:21:38,180
he's a carpenter I should put a nail
502
00:21:38,180 --> 00:21:39,710
into the bench if he puts a table out
503
00:21:39,710 --> 00:21:42,210
there signing out a [ __ ] to finish right
504
00:21:42,210 --> 00:21:45,720
just being a dick I know under the bench
505
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,760
I saw only porn magazines but they're
506
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,530
all like wet and bent and had lettuce
507
00:21:49,530 --> 00:21:51,030
leaves on him and stuff like that but
508
00:21:51,030 --> 00:21:52,830
what's happen is my mum's cleaner to
509
00:21:52,830 --> 00:21:54,480
clean my room out she started all the
510
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,400
porn mags out the wheelie bin my dad has
511
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,600
to take the wheelie bed to the end of
512
00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,460
the drive on a [ __ ] Wednesday he's
513
00:21:59,460 --> 00:22:01,380
open it up and go on all how I collect
514
00:22:01,380 --> 00:22:03,720
them all he's gone off to be shared and
515
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,730
wake himself stupid so I thought fact
516
00:22:05,730 --> 00:22:07,530
that old cat so I collect them all back
517
00:22:07,530 --> 00:22:09,210
take it back to the drawer where they
518
00:22:09,210 --> 00:22:15,060
belong circle of life continues now a
519
00:22:15,060 --> 00:22:16,770
few days later I'm out the living room
520
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:21,570
I mean old man walks out and goes you
521
00:22:21,570 --> 00:22:28,160
been out for more [ __ ] and I went yeah
522
00:22:28,250 --> 00:22:33,120
don't let those magazines neither you
523
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:46,730
can I write for
524
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,170
to this day if you guys my [ __ ]
525
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,910
parents house man those four poor
526
00:22:52,910 --> 00:22:55,220
magazines out in that quality early
527
00:22:55,220 --> 00:23:01,460
nineties material my [ __ ] um I went
528
00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:02,480
under the end of a festival not this
529
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,820
festival the festival for I was having a
530
00:23:04,820 --> 00:23:06,560
wank and I felt like a lumpy fleshy
531
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,660
thing on my [ __ ] that wasn't a wart or a
532
00:23:08,660 --> 00:23:13,360
cyst or anything I had previously and I
533
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,620
went to the doctor and the doctor looked
534
00:23:15,620 --> 00:23:20,870
at it and soda Wayne another doctor in
535
00:23:20,870 --> 00:23:22,250
the two of them looked at it and just
536
00:23:22,250 --> 00:23:24,860
[ __ ] you have any idea ladies so they
537
00:23:24,860 --> 00:23:26,060
sent me off to a specialist the
538
00:23:26,060 --> 00:23:27,770
specialists puts my genitals into like a
539
00:23:27,770 --> 00:23:30,290
clamping machine and it turns out that I
540
00:23:30,290 --> 00:23:32,120
have a tumor growing on the side of my
541
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,890
penis now I go that doctor too many
542
00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:35,540
people die from this and he's like nah
543
00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:37,940
most people detect it pretty quick I
544
00:23:37,940 --> 00:23:41,450
don't leave it to chance now as I said
545
00:23:41,450 --> 00:23:43,700
no one dies from this it's very rare and
546
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:45,950
I'm not famous but i'ma tell you a bit I
547
00:23:45,950 --> 00:23:48,290
might be the most famous person ever to
548
00:23:48,290 --> 00:23:50,300
have this condition which means I'll
549
00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:52,910
have to become a spokesperson and I'll
550
00:23:52,910 --> 00:23:55,430
be doing adverts going hi I'm Jim
551
00:23:55,430 --> 00:23:58,190
Jefferies I'm a comedian you know it's
552
00:23:58,190 --> 00:24:00,820
not a laughing matter
553
00:24:01,270 --> 00:24:03,910
dick cancer
554
00:24:03,910 --> 00:24:06,250
do you know that two people died from
555
00:24:06,250 --> 00:24:10,020
dick cancer a year this must be stopped
556
00:24:10,020 --> 00:24:12,160
there are many ways to detect dick
557
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:18,299
cancer wanking that's it really
558
00:24:18,299 --> 00:24:25,150
please buy a ribbon now while I was out
559
00:24:25,150 --> 00:24:26,880
at the end of the festival
560
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,380
alright I was with a girl for three
561
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:31,299
years I never cheat on her but I did
562
00:24:31,299 --> 00:24:32,650
cheat on her twice during the enema
563
00:24:32,650 --> 00:24:35,700
festival because it's a festival and
564
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:38,260
when I went to the doctor I was worried
565
00:24:38,260 --> 00:24:39,909
that it was a sexually transmitted
566
00:24:39,909 --> 00:24:41,650
disease I was I think I'm the first
567
00:24:41,650 --> 00:24:43,900
person ever to high-five a doctor when
568
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:46,480
he says he got cancer I was [ __ ] well
569
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,549
up for that I was like kids a [ __ ]
570
00:24:48,549 --> 00:24:51,340
yeah cuz you come home with her be
571
00:24:51,340 --> 00:24:52,809
she'll kick you out of the [ __ ] house
572
00:24:52,809 --> 00:24:54,610
right you come home with dick cancer
573
00:24:54,610 --> 00:24:56,320
she'll make a cake or something real
574
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,130
nice and God bless I loved it officially
575
00:25:00,130 --> 00:25:01,570
broken up now I can say she wasn't
576
00:25:01,570 --> 00:25:04,510
bright she was a think girl she she
577
00:25:04,510 --> 00:25:06,190
would not have sex with me until the
578
00:25:06,190 --> 00:25:08,110
tumor was removed because she was
579
00:25:08,110 --> 00:25:09,970
worried it was contagious
580
00:25:09,970 --> 00:25:11,770
I'm like it's not contagious it's
581
00:25:11,770 --> 00:25:12,940
[ __ ] cancer
582
00:25:12,940 --> 00:25:14,860
alright let's just enjoy the width or we
583
00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:17,190
have it
584
00:25:18,450 --> 00:25:20,830
he goes though I'm right you haven't had
585
00:25:20,830 --> 00:25:25,120
sex that you've had too much sex I said
586
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:26,830
it's not contagious like we got it from
587
00:25:26,830 --> 00:25:34,750
a teat wait from Kylie Minogue yes look
588
00:25:34,750 --> 00:25:37,090
I understand that that joke is wrong on
589
00:25:37,090 --> 00:25:39,610
many levels the main level being that
590
00:25:39,610 --> 00:25:40,930
Kylie's tits aren't big enough for a
591
00:25:40,930 --> 00:25:46,630
tenth way even with the lump they
592
00:25:46,630 --> 00:25:50,140
couldn't gotten that much bigger don't
593
00:25:50,140 --> 00:25:58,210
be upset with me I'm a cancer patient so
594
00:25:58,210 --> 00:26:01,720
anyway I go into the surgery to get it
595
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:03,940
taken out they lay me down on the table
596
00:26:03,940 --> 00:26:05,740
they put like a metal frame up with a
597
00:26:05,740 --> 00:26:08,710
curtain and the doctor puts a needle
598
00:26:08,710 --> 00:26:12,580
into my dick and there's a nurse and her
599
00:26:12,580 --> 00:26:14,200
sole job is to take all the blood away
600
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:18,310
from the sliced up [ __ ] and there's
601
00:26:18,310 --> 00:26:20,050
another nurse and her sole job is to
602
00:26:20,050 --> 00:26:22,810
hold my hand whilst my [ __ ] is being
603
00:26:22,810 --> 00:26:25,930
sliced up and to distract me from the
604
00:26:25,930 --> 00:26:29,410
mutilation and she's holding my hand and
605
00:26:29,410 --> 00:26:32,080
she looks at me and she goes so I hear
606
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:35,380
you're a comedian and I went yeah I'm a
607
00:26:35,380 --> 00:26:37,420
comedian why don't you tell us all the
608
00:26:37,420 --> 00:26:39,750
junk
609
00:26:42,330 --> 00:26:49,230
why don't you [ __ ] off and then they put
610
00:26:49,230 --> 00:26:51,270
like six stitches into my [ __ ] like
611
00:26:51,270 --> 00:26:52,410
these aren't like the big ones he's like
612
00:26:52,410 --> 00:26:53,430
on your head or you're out he's like
613
00:26:53,430 --> 00:26:55,950
tiny fine small ones that they use like
614
00:26:55,950 --> 00:27:03,300
on baby's arms and the doctor tells me
615
00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:04,950
not to get an erection for three weeks I
616
00:27:04,950 --> 00:27:07,200
was [ __ ] Moody oh I should have
617
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,270
cooked quite a beer oh man the end of
618
00:27:09,270 --> 00:27:11,040
the three weeks I was ready for my
619
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:11,910
comeback wank
620
00:27:11,910 --> 00:27:13,740
I don't even touch my [ __ ] I try not to
621
00:27:13,740 --> 00:27:15,720
think about my car my balls had never
622
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,270
been so full in my entire life in fact
623
00:27:18,270 --> 00:27:20,280
the stitches dissolved and I told my
624
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:21,840
girlfriend I was still not dissolved so
625
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,430
I could have a wank before I [ __ ] her
626
00:27:23,430 --> 00:27:29,580
I put some porn on and I got some Lube
627
00:27:29,580 --> 00:27:31,680
right now ordinarily I'm not that fancy
628
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,590
I'm more of a dry hand sort of guy but I
629
00:27:34,590 --> 00:27:36,450
thought it's been a while Jim treat
630
00:27:36,450 --> 00:27:43,170
yourself I lived up my [ __ ] and I'm
631
00:27:43,170 --> 00:27:48,750
talking five pumps maximum just held my
632
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:51,210
[ __ ] came this thick gelatin white count
633
00:27:51,210 --> 00:27:54,000
was it was it was like I was trying to
634
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:58,860
make a baby without the womb and I
635
00:27:58,860 --> 00:28:00,930
looked at it and I swear to god it
636
00:28:00,930 --> 00:28:05,040
[ __ ] looked back at me sorry sugar
637
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:07,310
tan
638
00:28:08,390 --> 00:28:10,350
anyway that's all I have to say about
639
00:28:10,350 --> 00:28:13,560
dick cancer um except don't you think if
640
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:14,940
dick cancer sounds like a war
641
00:28:14,940 --> 00:28:17,010
correspondent like a guy from the news
642
00:28:17,010 --> 00:28:20,870
that you'd really trust that's just me
643
00:28:20,870 --> 00:28:23,490
I've been I'm thinking jet in [ __ ]
644
00:28:23,490 --> 00:28:25,710
Baghdad in Iraq and all that being up
645
00:28:25,710 --> 00:28:28,560
there me it's [ __ ] mental when you go
646
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:29,940
out there you realize that the other
647
00:28:29,940 --> 00:28:31,620
team don't really know they're involved
648
00:28:31,620 --> 00:28:33,750
like all the other old boys you'd say
649
00:28:33,750 --> 00:28:35,610
what you want about the Nazis but I
650
00:28:35,610 --> 00:28:36,750
always look good
651
00:28:36,750 --> 00:28:38,010
all right you could always pick him out
652
00:28:38,010 --> 00:28:39,840
of the crowd right this is enemy the
653
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:41,460
Taliban are kind I didn't have a nap
654
00:28:41,460 --> 00:28:45,600
feet and I was down the first night the
655
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,000
first night was first I was dead and I
656
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,890
did a helicopter fly over the top of
657
00:28:49,890 --> 00:28:52,080
Baghdad with me Helmand army book
658
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:53,279
first thing kind of look as cool as [ __ ]
659
00:28:53,279 --> 00:28:55,950
right the helicopter windows open
660
00:28:55,950 --> 00:28:57,179
there's a guy with a gun just sort of
661
00:28:57,179 --> 00:28:59,610
scouring the ground right I look out I
662
00:28:59,610 --> 00:29:01,080
see a little bloke with a handgun just
663
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:02,809
shooting up at the helicopter just bang
664
00:29:02,809 --> 00:29:06,480
and I [ __ ] freak out I'm like oh [ __ ]
665
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,210
[ __ ] with me fly on and the gonna change
666
00:29:09,210 --> 00:29:10,860
around guys don't worry about it we're
667
00:29:10,860 --> 00:29:13,110
too high up those bullets count reaches
668
00:29:13,110 --> 00:29:17,029
anyway Hey look at this
669
00:29:17,029 --> 00:29:24,120
and the little [ __ ] died and I was like
670
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:32,330
I was just saying
671
00:29:35,570 --> 00:29:41,009
what upset anyone [ __ ] mental man I
672
00:29:41,009 --> 00:29:43,619
get so desensitized about terrorism now
673
00:29:43,619 --> 00:29:45,090
I don't even care anymore
674
00:29:45,090 --> 00:29:47,070
the first big one remember the big one
675
00:29:47,070 --> 00:29:48,690
where the planes hit the buildings and
676
00:29:48,690 --> 00:29:50,580
the buildings I can't really what date
677
00:29:50,580 --> 00:29:56,039
it was but the facts and every terrorist
678
00:29:56,039 --> 00:29:59,879
attack sensitize I can whatever the one
679
00:29:59,879 --> 00:30:01,740
in Glasgow where the guy was in flames
680
00:30:01,740 --> 00:30:03,659
and he drove his flaming car into the
681
00:30:03,659 --> 00:30:06,509
airport the first thing that went
682
00:30:06,509 --> 00:30:08,730
through my brains when I saw that was
683
00:30:08,730 --> 00:30:10,710
are you [ __ ] [ __ ]
684
00:30:10,710 --> 00:30:12,600
now I'm gonna have to put my toiletries
685
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:18,539
in a plastic bag take my shoes off
686
00:30:18,539 --> 00:30:21,649
you're wasting me time
687
00:30:26,110 --> 00:30:29,720
[ __ ] my [ __ ] brother is a mental case
688
00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:31,700
he's been mental my whole childhood he
689
00:30:31,700 --> 00:30:33,289
can't help himself he's all of them
690
00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:36,139
maybe just [ __ ] wired wrong something
691
00:30:36,139 --> 00:30:38,360
in his head all right I'm going to I'll
692
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:39,889
never tell you some stage before it's
693
00:30:39,889 --> 00:30:41,090
not we probably have done the DVD but
694
00:30:41,090 --> 00:30:42,620
this is just something funny my brothers
695
00:30:42,620 --> 00:30:44,330
are talking whenever whenever my mother
696
00:30:44,330 --> 00:30:45,620
my mother's a great big fat woman she
697
00:30:45,620 --> 00:30:49,070
still is she's 18 19 stone or something
698
00:30:49,070 --> 00:30:50,630
she'd always used to get us to go out
699
00:30:50,630 --> 00:30:51,950
and get the washing off the line and
700
00:30:51,950 --> 00:30:53,179
she'd always be in the kitchen go get
701
00:30:53,179 --> 00:30:54,320
the washing off the line make sure you
702
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:55,429
follow everything and yelling at us
703
00:30:55,429 --> 00:30:57,049
while we were doing it right when I was
704
00:30:57,049 --> 00:30:59,179
about 10 and Scott was about 40 and we
705
00:30:59,179 --> 00:31:00,529
used to go out there whenever we got her
706
00:31:00,529 --> 00:31:02,389
underwear off the line we would get on
707
00:31:02,389 --> 00:31:06,010
either end of it and fold it like a flag
708
00:31:08,350 --> 00:31:13,179
but if that's not funny nothing is
709
00:31:16,310 --> 00:31:20,180
so once I meet my brother at home right
710
00:31:20,180 --> 00:31:22,880
just the two of us and he's about 16 or
711
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,010
about 12 and we mum and dad around the
712
00:31:25,010 --> 00:31:26,870
house and me brother Scott is on the
713
00:31:26,870 --> 00:31:27,350
couch
714
00:31:27,350 --> 00:31:29,960
and he looks over me he goes Jim get me
715
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:31,910
a cake and I wait get your own [ __ ]
716
00:31:31,910 --> 00:31:33,500
cake I'm not going to get your cake and
717
00:31:33,500 --> 00:31:35,930
you went get me a cake or I'll piss on
718
00:31:35,930 --> 00:31:42,440
the carpet piss on the carpet you're mad
719
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,230
count I'm not gonna get you [ __ ] go
720
00:31:44,230 --> 00:31:47,330
get me a coke or I'd piss off the carpet
721
00:31:47,330 --> 00:31:49,280
I'm not gonna get you a cake so my
722
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:50,840
brother stood up walk to the middle of
723
00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:51,890
the living room which is a longer
724
00:31:51,890 --> 00:31:53,660
distance and getting himself a [ __ ]
725
00:31:53,660 --> 00:31:56,300
coke pulled out his [ __ ] started pissing
726
00:31:56,300 --> 00:31:57,950
on the carpet he's look at me going you
727
00:31:57,950 --> 00:31:59,540
really should have got me a coke why why
728
00:31:59,540 --> 00:32:02,120
would you get me a coke daddy's buyer
729
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:04,040
goes back to the couch doesn't get
730
00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:07,340
himself a coat so I just [ __ ] left
731
00:32:07,340 --> 00:32:09,500
the power unit me mum comes home she's
732
00:32:09,500 --> 00:32:12,260
[ __ ] furious right big pile of urine
733
00:32:12,260 --> 00:32:15,200
she goes who did this who a good kid and
734
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:17,150
I went Scott did it look at Scott's guys
735
00:32:17,150 --> 00:32:19,430
what did you do that for he goes told
736
00:32:19,430 --> 00:32:21,710
Jim to get me a coke or I'll piss on the
737
00:32:21,710 --> 00:32:26,230
carpet and my mum turns to me and goes
738
00:32:27,190 --> 00:32:29,240
why don't you get him a coke you know
739
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,110
he's [ __ ] mental
740
00:32:40,590 --> 00:32:42,520
I'll tell you know the brothers through
741
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:46,630
this this one's a bit sad when me and my
742
00:32:46,630 --> 00:32:48,610
probably were young we my dad was doing
743
00:32:48,610 --> 00:32:50,800
that thing where you know when you've
744
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:52,540
been taken to the dump yard the tip or
745
00:32:52,540 --> 00:32:53,710
something like that when you're a little
746
00:32:53,710 --> 00:32:55,090
kid that was better than going to a
747
00:32:55,090 --> 00:32:56,800
football match that was just like the
748
00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:57,730
best day ever
749
00:32:57,730 --> 00:32:59,559
because you never knew what you're gonna
750
00:32:59,559 --> 00:33:01,690
find at the junkyard did you you just be
751
00:33:01,690 --> 00:33:03,880
there standing on a pile of [ __ ] going
752
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:04,480
dad
753
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:06,730
you have to see this we've got to take
754
00:33:06,730 --> 00:33:08,980
it with us it's a fridge it's only
755
00:33:08,980 --> 00:33:13,660
missing a door so we're loading up all
756
00:33:13,660 --> 00:33:16,030
this stuff from our alagar ejecting old
757
00:33:16,030 --> 00:33:18,640
boxes and whatnot my brother I don't
758
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:20,830
know I'm about nine now I'm about five
759
00:33:20,830 --> 00:33:23,200
he was about nine me brother pulls a
760
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:28,030
vibrator out of a box just like this and
761
00:33:28,030 --> 00:33:30,280
my dad does that [ __ ] dad when the
762
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,320
nervous Walker he goes hey what you got
763
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:39,790
there and then there goes I think that
764
00:33:39,790 --> 00:33:41,110
obvious now as soon as we see that
765
00:33:41,110 --> 00:33:42,640
little war we know that something
766
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:43,900
[ __ ] important
767
00:33:43,900 --> 00:33:45,580
oh well it's going dad what is that I
768
00:33:45,580 --> 00:33:47,080
have to [ __ ] know what that is I have
769
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:49,840
to go that is what is it dad and dad
770
00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,940
sees his two sons and he sort of smiles
771
00:33:51,940 --> 00:33:55,270
wryly to himself and goes I'd say yeah
772
00:33:55,270 --> 00:33:58,210
it's Mossad yup he dad turns it on and
773
00:33:58,210 --> 00:34:00,660
goes
774
00:34:02,929 --> 00:34:07,549
oh that's lovely oh hey guys we'll turn
775
00:34:07,549 --> 00:34:09,079
that off but put that back in the box
776
00:34:09,079 --> 00:34:11,899
and put that box way back up here won't
777
00:34:11,899 --> 00:34:15,079
look at that again okay but a few days
778
00:34:15,079 --> 00:34:17,179
later my brother comes into my bedroom
779
00:34:17,179 --> 00:34:23,210
and goes Jim garage and we go into the
780
00:34:23,210 --> 00:34:24,710
garage and then we pull all these boxes
781
00:34:24,710 --> 00:34:28,399
up we get the vibrator out it's about 40
782
00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:31,969
degrees heat and my brother looks at me
783
00:34:31,969 --> 00:34:37,279
you guys now you massage my back and all
784
00:34:37,279 --> 00:34:39,889
massage your back now this is a standard
785
00:34:39,889 --> 00:34:41,929
old brother trick all the brothers do
786
00:34:41,929 --> 00:34:44,029
this you push me on the swings I'll push
787
00:34:44,029 --> 00:34:45,500
you on the swings and what happens is
788
00:34:45,500 --> 00:34:47,179
you push them on the swings for like 10
789
00:34:47,179 --> 00:34:49,279
minutes and then they push you for like
790
00:34:49,279 --> 00:34:51,049
a minute tell you it was 10 minutes and
791
00:34:51,049 --> 00:34:52,489
that you're [ __ ] and you can't read
792
00:34:52,489 --> 00:34:57,109
the time so we both take our shirts off
793
00:34:57,109 --> 00:34:59,299
now we just you know underwear in the
794
00:34:59,299 --> 00:35:02,920
garage in the dark with a vibrator and
795
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:05,779
then I start massaging me brothers back
796
00:35:05,779 --> 00:35:08,140
just
797
00:35:09,670 --> 00:35:18,230
and he's given it these ones and then
798
00:35:18,230 --> 00:35:20,059
it's my turn I get in front my brother
799
00:35:20,059 --> 00:35:22,670
holds a vibrator up he turns it on and
800
00:35:22,670 --> 00:35:24,650
he drops on the ground and guys you have
801
00:35:24,650 --> 00:35:26,210
to put it back up on the top shelf and
802
00:35:26,210 --> 00:35:29,480
then he [ __ ] off now I'm five years old
803
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:32,630
what do I do I cry right and I pick the
804
00:35:32,630 --> 00:35:35,390
vibrator up in the darkness and I just
805
00:35:35,390 --> 00:35:46,490
go that's when what dad comes in to see
806
00:35:46,490 --> 00:35:49,609
his five-year-old son massaging his back
807
00:35:49,609 --> 00:35:55,789
with a vibrator and I'm crying and he
808
00:35:55,789 --> 00:35:59,539
comes up he goes he's got you [ __ ] you
809
00:35:59,539 --> 00:36:06,289
over again my and I went yeah guys give
810
00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:08,960
it here and he holds it up again see now
811
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:11,180
you see this you're not to play with
812
00:36:11,180 --> 00:36:16,880
this this is dead now that sentence has
813
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:19,420
haunted me
814
00:36:20,620 --> 00:36:24,280
not that this is mom and dad's this is
815
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,530
dad's that raises questions I never want
816
00:36:26,530 --> 00:36:29,620
answered such questions as why the [ __ ]
817
00:36:29,620 --> 00:36:31,240
was it in the garage
818
00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:34,330
one of my dad's mate never come into the
819
00:36:34,330 --> 00:36:41,860
house I was happy with it being in my
820
00:36:41,860 --> 00:36:50,560
mum but it's more disturbing that story
821
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:55,420
than you know a lot of people find me
822
00:36:55,420 --> 00:36:57,880
offensive and the reason for that is
823
00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:01,240
there's a lot of spastics out there drug
824
00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:02,710
main finds that were defensive not the
825
00:37:02,710 --> 00:37:04,570
spastics to people who knows spastics
826
00:37:04,570 --> 00:37:06,220
people have friends with spastics you're
827
00:37:06,220 --> 00:37:07,630
such a good [ __ ] friend wanted to
828
00:37:07,630 --> 00:37:08,890
bring them out tonight you're [ __ ]
829
00:37:08,890 --> 00:37:12,880
[ __ ] furthermore a few years ago I did
830
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:14,260
three gigs for scope they me up and said
831
00:37:14,260 --> 00:37:15,700
Jim would like you to dump benefits and
832
00:37:15,700 --> 00:37:17,380
I said are you sure you want me and they
833
00:37:17,380 --> 00:37:18,670
said you're the only comedian who's ever
834
00:37:18,670 --> 00:37:19,960
made jokes about us while stir in the
835
00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:21,490
room so anyone who's offended you can go
836
00:37:21,490 --> 00:37:26,050
get [ __ ] I'm spaz approved in fact in
837
00:37:26,050 --> 00:37:33,720
their review they gave me four rooms now
838
00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:36,550
as I said before if you're friends with
839
00:37:36,550 --> 00:37:37,690
these people why don't you bring them
840
00:37:37,690 --> 00:37:39,310
out you always get some bleeding-heart
841
00:37:39,310 --> 00:37:40,690
come up to you after we get going
842
00:37:40,690 --> 00:37:45,070
do you know I was fast eat play pee and
843
00:37:45,070 --> 00:37:46,300
then you like well where the [ __ ] are
844
00:37:46,300 --> 00:37:48,610
they [ __ ] she's [ __ ] I used to work
845
00:37:48,610 --> 00:37:50,230
as a disabled carrier before I was a
846
00:37:50,230 --> 00:37:52,360
comedian and it was a good job you feel
847
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:53,530
good about yourself at the end of the
848
00:37:53,530 --> 00:37:55,330
day and I saw some heartwarming things
849
00:37:55,330 --> 00:37:57,460
ma I saw some [ __ ] miserable things
850
00:37:57,460 --> 00:37:58,990
but I saw some things that made me feel
851
00:37:58,990 --> 00:38:03,590
good man I I got fired for icing him
852
00:38:03,590 --> 00:38:05,820
[Music]
853
00:38:05,820 --> 00:38:08,260
it sounds a lot worse than it is right
854
00:38:08,260 --> 00:38:10,300
you say racing retards that's offensive
855
00:38:10,300 --> 00:38:19,350
right call it Paralympics goodwill so
856
00:38:19,350 --> 00:38:21,430
anyway I'm gonna tell you a good story
857
00:38:21,430 --> 00:38:22,900
that came from there it's something nice
858
00:38:22,900 --> 00:38:25,420
right I think this story is inspiring
859
00:38:25,420 --> 00:38:28,000
you might regret it but I took these two
860
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,860
lads down to the beach with cerebral
861
00:38:29,860 --> 00:38:35,260
palsy right not with the power of it's
862
00:38:35,260 --> 00:38:39,280
not like they're magical you assume that
863
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,260
they have some but the only real magical
864
00:38:41,260 --> 00:38:45,330
disabilities are dwarfs midgets are
865
00:38:45,330 --> 00:38:48,040
magical they're just freakish little
866
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,710
people don't worry about that joke it
867
00:38:50,710 --> 00:38:54,280
goes over the [ __ ] eats doesn't go
868
00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:55,570
over the dwarfs eats people
869
00:38:55,570 --> 00:38:57,160
underestimate how big their foreheads
870
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:03,330
are just smacks them in the 14th wrinkle
871
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:08,920
anyway I took these two lads down the
872
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,200
beach with cerebral palsy and we will
873
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:12,460
them down the beach and there's a
874
00:39:12,460 --> 00:39:13,840
beautiful moment when you're at the
875
00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:15,190
beach and you just looking at the water
876
00:39:15,190 --> 00:39:16,540
in the sand where you eating an ice
877
00:39:16,540 --> 00:39:17,860
cream you go how long do we stay here
878
00:39:17,860 --> 00:39:19,450
for what's the appropriate amount of
879
00:39:19,450 --> 00:39:20,470
time it's like they're going to go to
880
00:39:20,470 --> 00:39:23,140
swimming and in Australia you can
881
00:39:23,140 --> 00:39:24,580
sun-baked topless there's a lot of
882
00:39:24,580 --> 00:39:27,940
topless women walking around and you're
883
00:39:27,940 --> 00:39:29,650
not meant to look at topless women when
884
00:39:29,650 --> 00:39:31,600
they're on the beach if one woman in
885
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:32,980
this room was topless right now there'd
886
00:39:32,980 --> 00:39:35,920
be no geek the show would be over the
887
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:39,730
room would be freaking out right but at
888
00:39:39,730 --> 00:39:42,010
the beach if the girls topless you're
889
00:39:42,010 --> 00:39:43,690
meant to just act like this is normal
890
00:39:43,690 --> 00:39:46,920
and not look or poke
891
00:39:47,900 --> 00:39:55,020
so anyway the two later that this girl
892
00:39:55,020 --> 00:39:57,750
walks by with tremendous tits right now
893
00:39:57,750 --> 00:39:59,609
well the lads who has no muscle memory
894
00:39:59,609 --> 00:40:01,530
whatsoever right he's all hulking Daffy
895
00:40:01,530 --> 00:40:07,140
right and aberrant it's walked by and I
896
00:40:07,140 --> 00:40:10,320
swear to god he [ __ ] locked on like a
897
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:14,970
solid [ __ ] he did not [ __ ] deviate
898
00:40:14,970 --> 00:40:16,619
as she went by and I was thinking is
899
00:40:16,619 --> 00:40:18,329
this some type of therapy that they've
900
00:40:18,329 --> 00:40:22,050
never offered these people anyway so I
901
00:40:22,050 --> 00:40:23,430
start thinking right now as an
902
00:40:23,430 --> 00:40:24,930
able-bodied person I can't snitch
903
00:40:24,930 --> 00:40:25,890
because someone will punch me in the
904
00:40:25,890 --> 00:40:27,839
head but I think [ __ ] it I'm going to
905
00:40:27,839 --> 00:40:28,980
start staring at it
906
00:40:28,980 --> 00:40:30,510
who's going to punch me in the head I'm
907
00:40:30,510 --> 00:40:32,430
the nicest guy in the world I'm with two
908
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:36,450
spastics right so I start staring at
909
00:40:36,450 --> 00:40:39,960
tits then this big fat ass woman with
910
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:41,790
just bikini bottoms on with her tits
911
00:40:41,790 --> 00:40:44,550
hanging out walks by and one of the lads
912
00:40:44,550 --> 00:40:46,710
turns to the other one and over the
913
00:40:46,710 --> 00:40:49,290
course of five minutes but I'll speed it
914
00:40:49,290 --> 00:40:51,050
up for you
915
00:40:51,050 --> 00:40:56,780
goes there's one for you mate now it's
916
00:40:56,780 --> 00:40:59,609
it's a lovely joke it's a joke that we
917
00:40:59,609 --> 00:41:01,829
have all enjoyed everyone has done that
918
00:41:01,829 --> 00:41:03,180
joke with their friends gone that's your
919
00:41:03,180 --> 00:41:04,650
wife that isn't we've all had a good
920
00:41:04,650 --> 00:41:05,099
luck
921
00:41:05,099 --> 00:41:07,500
it's not a great joke but you know what
922
00:41:07,500 --> 00:41:08,790
I found heartwarming what I found
923
00:41:08,790 --> 00:41:10,950
inspiring about that you know always
924
00:41:10,950 --> 00:41:14,339
inspiring this guy can't wipe his own
925
00:41:14,339 --> 00:41:19,670
ass yeah he's too good for the fat chick
926
00:41:20,540 --> 00:41:24,380
human spirit my friends
927
00:41:30,460 --> 00:41:33,859
now whose watch me getting punched in
928
00:41:33,859 --> 00:41:36,799
the head on the internet it's a lot of
929
00:41:36,799 --> 00:41:37,250
fun
930
00:41:37,250 --> 00:41:40,880
I will now endeavor to tell you the
931
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:42,529
actual story of why this happened a lot
932
00:41:42,529 --> 00:41:44,990
of people have written to me asked if it
933
00:41:44,990 --> 00:41:46,520
really did happen and if we spiked it
934
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:48,890
was completely real what happened was I
935
00:41:48,890 --> 00:41:50,809
was in a comedy club the Manchester
936
00:41:50,809 --> 00:41:53,809
Comedy Store it's about a about 450
937
00:41:53,809 --> 00:41:56,299
people there's a woman up on the balcony
938
00:41:56,299 --> 00:41:57,890
that kept on heckling and heckling and
939
00:41:57,890 --> 00:41:59,900
heckling and I put it down I put it down
940
00:41:59,900 --> 00:42:01,460
and put it down and then eventually I
941
00:42:01,460 --> 00:42:03,170
went I'm gonna leave you alone now
942
00:42:03,170 --> 00:42:07,430
like your dad did right and then I went
943
00:42:07,430 --> 00:42:09,589
it's a shame your grandfather never did
944
00:42:09,589 --> 00:42:16,460
I know funny right anyway there was a
945
00:42:16,460 --> 00:42:18,440
guy at this side of the room who I
946
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:20,000
assumed had some issues with his
947
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:24,920
grandfather and he took some umbrage on
948
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:27,529
what I said and decided he was going to
949
00:42:27,529 --> 00:42:31,789
punch me in the head but he was an Irish
950
00:42:31,789 --> 00:42:35,630
bug so he had a full drink so he waited
951
00:42:35,630 --> 00:42:38,420
until he finished his drink and then
952
00:42:38,420 --> 00:42:39,589
punched me in the hey
953
00:42:39,589 --> 00:42:41,270
but he never yelled anything out he just
954
00:42:41,270 --> 00:42:42,859
sort of put his drink down calmly went
955
00:42:42,859 --> 00:42:46,849
or I'm gonna [ __ ] smack him now when
956
00:42:46,849 --> 00:42:49,460
he hit me I was in the middle of my cut
957
00:42:49,460 --> 00:42:52,430
material so for me this is a very odd
958
00:42:52,430 --> 00:42:54,859
moment for a man to punch me in the head
959
00:42:54,859 --> 00:42:56,930
now I'm going to do the [ __ ] jokes for
960
00:42:56,930 --> 00:42:58,220
you now so you know that what the
961
00:42:58,220 --> 00:43:01,900
mindset I was in when this happened
962
00:43:01,900 --> 00:43:05,200
starting like this
963
00:43:05,299 --> 00:43:08,249
women to me like public toilets they're
964
00:43:08,249 --> 00:43:14,069
all dirty except the disabled ones every
965
00:43:14,069 --> 00:43:15,720
single man this will admit to being a
966
00:43:15,720 --> 00:43:17,460
bad shag from time to time gonna be
967
00:43:17,460 --> 00:43:19,109
through alcohol fatigue but it's not
968
00:43:19,109 --> 00:43:21,539
giving a [ __ ] there's no woman in this
969
00:43:21,539 --> 00:43:22,950
room that thinks they're bad in bed do
970
00:43:22,950 --> 00:43:24,749
you want know what most of you [ __ ]
971
00:43:24,749 --> 00:43:26,700
are the reason I know this is because no
972
00:43:26,700 --> 00:43:28,259
man's ever told you because if we tell
973
00:43:28,259 --> 00:43:29,849
you you'll run off and cry because your
974
00:43:29,849 --> 00:43:35,099
spirits are weak just because I [ __ ]
975
00:43:35,099 --> 00:43:38,880
doesn't mean you're doing a good job I'm
976
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:41,099
gonna come anyway sometimes I come so
977
00:43:41,099 --> 00:43:42,210
you'll stop whatever the [ __ ] you're
978
00:43:42,210 --> 00:43:43,559
doing down there with your nails and
979
00:43:43,559 --> 00:43:45,029
your teachers put it in your mouth to be
980
00:43:45,029 --> 00:43:46,489
a [ __ ] man about it
981
00:43:46,489 --> 00:43:49,230
I've been down on women I made them come
982
00:43:49,230 --> 00:43:50,519
and you get that one woman she's not
983
00:43:50,519 --> 00:43:51,869
coming she looks at you like it's your
984
00:43:51,869 --> 00:43:53,819
fault it's not my fault you're [ __ ]
985
00:43:53,819 --> 00:43:59,910
broken when I was at university I [ __ ]
986
00:43:59,910 --> 00:44:01,470
the chick and all the friends will class
987
00:44:01,470 --> 00:44:04,019
me and did that and women think that's
988
00:44:04,019 --> 00:44:05,849
the funniest joke in the world that's
989
00:44:05,849 --> 00:44:06,630
not funny
990
00:44:06,630 --> 00:44:09,660
that's hurtful next time you think about
991
00:44:09,660 --> 00:44:11,309
doing that imagine your [ __ ] ago and all
992
00:44:11,309 --> 00:44:14,910
these mates walk past you and go you
993
00:44:14,910 --> 00:44:16,410
never do that again and you think by
994
00:44:16,410 --> 00:44:18,269
doing this it teach me something I don't
995
00:44:18,269 --> 00:44:20,999
already [ __ ] know and well-aware I've
996
00:44:20,999 --> 00:44:23,220
got a small dick I've messed it I don't
997
00:44:23,220 --> 00:44:24,989
have big my knickers to the millimetre
998
00:44:24,989 --> 00:44:28,079
but does any woman in this room truly
999
00:44:28,079 --> 00:44:30,930
know the size of their [ __ ]
1000
00:44:30,930 --> 00:44:33,220
none of you and none of you will ever
1001
00:44:33,220 --> 00:44:35,049
know for sure because no man is going to
1002
00:44:35,049 --> 00:44:39,069
tell you because we're good people and
1003
00:44:39,069 --> 00:44:40,390
now you're thinking he's not talking
1004
00:44:40,390 --> 00:44:42,519
about my [ __ ] it gets a bit sore during
1005
00:44:42,519 --> 00:44:44,920
sex that means [ __ ] oh I've been down at
1006
00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:46,690
womb for 20 minutes it's wide open it's
1007
00:44:46,690 --> 00:44:48,430
flowing like a Mary River I'll put the
1008
00:44:48,430 --> 00:44:50,109
tip of my [ __ ] in they go gentle gentle
1009
00:44:50,109 --> 00:44:53,849
- I could sell my [ __ ] head at night
1010
00:44:56,400 --> 00:44:58,839
sometimes fat chicks have really tight
1011
00:44:58,839 --> 00:45:00,720
[ __ ] that's a bloody mystery I ain't
1012
00:45:00,720 --> 00:45:02,890
are they it's because all the fats
1013
00:45:02,890 --> 00:45:05,170
pushing it inwards or when you [ __ ]
1014
00:45:05,170 --> 00:45:06,579
them you just rub it up against the eyes
1015
00:45:06,579 --> 00:45:09,329
and you never actually reach the kind
1016
00:45:09,329 --> 00:45:12,039
that's why doctors say fat women have to
1017
00:45:12,039 --> 00:45:17,170
lose weight to get pregnant and that's
1018
00:45:17,170 --> 00:45:22,900
when I got punched in the hey alright
1019
00:45:22,900 --> 00:45:26,799
drop it down and start the film what's
1020
00:45:26,799 --> 00:45:28,799
happening there we go
1021
00:45:28,799 --> 00:45:30,999
Bobby it's because all the facts pushed
1022
00:45:30,999 --> 00:45:34,109
it English oh oh
1023
00:45:35,430 --> 00:45:37,329
[Applause]
1024
00:45:37,329 --> 00:45:40,329
pause
1025
00:45:42,720 --> 00:45:46,200
now as you may have already realized I'm
1026
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:51,480
a great fighter you may not have seen
1027
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:54,079
the subtleties of what went on there
1028
00:45:54,079 --> 00:45:59,520
first punch I blocked with my face then
1029
00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:03,230
I went into my crouching ninja position
1030
00:46:03,230 --> 00:46:05,880
allowing him to punch me in the back of
1031
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:07,920
the head which is the hardest part of
1032
00:46:07,920 --> 00:46:15,380
the human body hurting his hand now
1033
00:46:15,380 --> 00:46:17,700
let's let's tell about all the
1034
00:46:17,700 --> 00:46:19,349
characters that are on stage at the
1035
00:46:19,349 --> 00:46:22,730
moment the man and the ground bent over
1036
00:46:22,730 --> 00:46:29,280
that's me I'm cowering the one standing
1037
00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:31,460
over means there is the man hitting me
1038
00:46:31,460 --> 00:46:34,650
the other man here's in security he's a
1039
00:46:34,650 --> 00:46:37,200
punter just like you people who came to
1040
00:46:37,200 --> 00:46:39,630
my age and I will love this man to the
1041
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:41,700
day I die but not because he helped me
1042
00:46:41,700 --> 00:46:44,220
because if you look in his hand he's
1043
00:46:44,220 --> 00:46:50,550
still carrying his point he had no stage
1044
00:46:50,550 --> 00:46:52,380
stock that he couldn't have a fight and
1045
00:46:52,380 --> 00:46:58,319
drink now let's play a little bit more
1046
00:46:58,319 --> 00:47:00,980
footage please
1047
00:47:01,150 --> 00:47:02,780
[Music]
1048
00:47:02,780 --> 00:47:10,140
stop we had some new characters I have
1049
00:47:10,140 --> 00:47:12,960
already left this scene I've walked up
1050
00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:15,300
to the door over there where I have
1051
00:47:15,300 --> 00:47:17,070
entered back into the dressing room with
1052
00:47:17,070 --> 00:47:18,960
a black eye whereupon the other
1053
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:23,060
comedians of God how did it go
1054
00:47:24,140 --> 00:47:27,320
and I went it could have gone better
1055
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:30,240
now the new people have arrived we have
1056
00:47:30,240 --> 00:47:31,710
a new skinny man who's throwing punches
1057
00:47:31,710 --> 00:47:33,270
there's a man in a black suit in the
1058
00:47:33,270 --> 00:47:34,650
middle there who is the actual security
1059
00:47:34,650 --> 00:47:36,840
and the other lads are just punters her
1060
00:47:36,840 --> 00:47:41,340
up for fight it's Manchester's now see
1061
00:47:41,340 --> 00:47:43,980
the guy on the left there he's brilliant
1062
00:47:43,980 --> 00:47:45,930
because in a moment what's going to
1063
00:47:45,930 --> 00:47:47,700
happen is security is going to hold the
1064
00:47:47,700 --> 00:47:49,860
man who assaulted me and go all right
1065
00:47:49,860 --> 00:47:50,940
got all under control
1066
00:47:50,940 --> 00:47:52,530
and he's going to go but I've got a
1067
00:47:52,530 --> 00:47:56,280
clear shot and the security guys going
1068
00:47:56,280 --> 00:47:58,470
to go yeah mate we've got under control
1069
00:47:58,470 --> 00:48:02,690
and he's going to go ah come on
1070
00:48:02,690 --> 00:48:11,100
and the security guy goes go on me all
1071
00:48:11,100 --> 00:48:12,840
right so keep your eyes on him the man
1072
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:15,590
and left both of them
1073
00:48:21,490 --> 00:48:24,630
[Applause]
1074
00:48:28,870 --> 00:48:39,360
[Applause]
1075
00:48:51,550 --> 00:48:57,490
[Applause]
1076
00:48:57,490 --> 00:49:00,610
[Music]
1077
00:49:03,560 --> 00:49:11,220
[Applause]
1078
00:49:11,220 --> 00:49:14,280
[Music]
1079
00:49:15,779 --> 00:49:19,059
I think you've got ladies and gentlemen
1080
00:49:19,059 --> 00:49:19,630
hang on
1081
00:49:19,630 --> 00:49:30,819
I think they German the wankers gone all
1082
00:49:30,819 --> 00:49:35,079
right cause yeah but this is the
1083
00:49:35,079 --> 00:49:37,059
security footage so it's very grain here
1084
00:49:37,059 --> 00:49:39,130
whatever so I got given this copy of
1085
00:49:39,130 --> 00:49:41,170
this tape from The Comedy Store after it
1086
00:49:41,170 --> 00:49:43,690
happened right and I went around to his
1087
00:49:43,690 --> 00:49:46,180
comedians having a party in other houses
1088
00:49:46,180 --> 00:49:48,549
like 20 comedians in and I come back
1089
00:49:48,549 --> 00:49:51,099
with this bit of gold you know just like
1090
00:49:51,099 --> 00:49:53,289
you have to [ __ ] and see how [ __ ] Mikey
1091
00:49:53,289 --> 00:49:57,999
boys all right and we put it on the
1092
00:49:57,999 --> 00:50:01,059
player and we all watch it and when Tim
1093
00:50:01,059 --> 00:50:03,039
Clark comes out and goes ladies and
1094
00:50:03,039 --> 00:50:05,229
gentlemen the wankers gone all the
1095
00:50:05,229 --> 00:50:07,089
comics in unison but he's coming back
1096
00:50:07,089 --> 00:50:12,489
out now I I do come back out and I'm
1097
00:50:12,489 --> 00:50:14,259
going to oh I'm about to come out to a
1098
00:50:14,259 --> 00:50:16,599
standing ovation now it wasn't that good
1099
00:50:16,599 --> 00:50:18,130
a gig to begin with the people felt
1100
00:50:18,130 --> 00:50:19,630
sorry for me but what you're really
1101
00:50:19,630 --> 00:50:21,279
going to see is where I come out you're
1102
00:50:21,279 --> 00:50:22,589
going to see some of the worst
1103
00:50:22,589 --> 00:50:25,239
high-fiving you've ever seen I'm I'm
1104
00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:27,130
talking on missing hands
1105
00:50:27,130 --> 00:50:31,539
I'm grabbing like I'm not a cool guy I
1106
00:50:31,539 --> 00:50:33,489
just don't have cool in me right well
1107
00:50:33,489 --> 00:50:35,380
the other day someone gave me one of
1108
00:50:35,380 --> 00:50:38,489
them and I grabbed their fists
1109
00:50:38,489 --> 00:50:41,849
anyway whoa
1110
00:50:44,690 --> 00:50:46,560
you'll know what I'm talking about in
1111
00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:49,370
the second play the tape
1112
00:50:49,520 --> 00:50:51,480
alright alright that's not gonna help
1113
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:52,080
really
1114
00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:54,750
alright but Jim is Jim's gonna come back
1115
00:50:54,750 --> 00:51:00,630
and finish it for you if you don't like
1116
00:51:00,630 --> 00:51:03,120
it you can go but if you enjoyed you
1117
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:05,040
stay because he's going to do another
1118
00:51:05,040 --> 00:51:06,070
five minutes and please
1119
00:51:06,070 --> 00:51:12,330
[Applause]
1120
00:51:12,330 --> 00:51:15,490
to finish off welcome back Jim Jefferies
1121
00:51:15,490 --> 00:51:22,210
[Applause]
1122
00:51:28,820 --> 00:51:34,070
pause it's a weird thing I can watch me
1123
00:51:34,070 --> 00:51:35,810
getting punched in the head over and
1124
00:51:35,810 --> 00:51:37,670
over and over again and I'm completely
1125
00:51:37,670 --> 00:51:44,990
fine with it but this now that's
1126
00:51:44,990 --> 00:51:47,390
embarrassing now if you watch this
1127
00:51:47,390 --> 00:51:49,100
footage on YouTube or whatever web page
1128
00:51:49,100 --> 00:51:51,680
you've looked at it on you there'll be a
1129
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:53,360
little click in the tape we're all of a
1130
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,070
sudden I'll be witty and going why did
1131
00:51:55,070 --> 00:51:56,330
that guy come up here and I'll say some
1132
00:51:56,330 --> 00:51:58,550
funny things that's not what actually
1133
00:51:58,550 --> 00:52:02,000
happened the man who hit me was
1134
00:52:02,000 --> 00:52:03,530
obviously Irish because he was yelling
1135
00:52:03,530 --> 00:52:07,610
at me like he was from the IRA and he
1136
00:52:07,610 --> 00:52:10,210
kept hitting me and when I came out I
1137
00:52:10,210 --> 00:52:13,340
may have said some very bigoted things
1138
00:52:13,340 --> 00:52:16,430
about the Irish which I regret saying
1139
00:52:16,430 --> 00:52:18,260
but as a live show I feel I should be
1140
00:52:18,260 --> 00:52:19,460
honest with you so you can see the
1141
00:52:19,460 --> 00:52:21,580
actual footage of what I exactly said
1142
00:52:21,580 --> 00:52:24,800
now I wasn't racist because Irish people
1143
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:28,340
it's not a race get over it let's just
1144
00:52:28,340 --> 00:52:29,480
being a bigoted [ __ ]
1145
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:32,750
oh you'll understand I'm not proud of
1146
00:52:32,750 --> 00:52:33,920
this but play the tape
1147
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:43,960
[Applause]
1148
00:52:45,540 --> 00:52:51,940
[ __ ] Irish people like Irish people
1149
00:52:51,940 --> 00:52:54,099
everything I depressed [ __ ] Saint C
1150
00:52:54,099 --> 00:52:55,750
gamer in the [ __ ] world I think they
1151
00:52:55,750 --> 00:52:57,700
so [ __ ] delightful don't they look at
1152
00:52:57,700 --> 00:52:59,230
me I'm dancing dis with me legs it's a
1153
00:52:59,230 --> 00:53:04,650
heap of [ __ ] [ __ ] your fatty cut go
1154
00:53:04,650 --> 00:53:07,030
have a drink have a drink in Ireland we
1155
00:53:07,030 --> 00:53:08,230
all [ __ ] drink in Ireland haven't
1156
00:53:08,230 --> 00:53:09,490
recovered recovered recover drink
1157
00:53:09,490 --> 00:53:13,109
just drive the bus in fact freaking
1158
00:53:15,119 --> 00:53:19,319
evolving drinking are gonna [ __ ] hit
1159
00:53:22,569 --> 00:53:25,569
boys
1160
00:53:29,089 --> 00:53:33,260
we may have edited that bit out as well
1161
00:53:33,260 --> 00:53:36,420
not everyone was happy to see me come
1162
00:53:36,420 --> 00:53:37,980
back out on the stage
1163
00:53:37,980 --> 00:53:41,609
some people believed me to have big tits
1164
00:53:41,609 --> 00:53:44,520
you fat prick now we're not going to
1165
00:53:44,520 --> 00:53:46,230
play the rest of the tape now yeah if
1166
00:53:46,230 --> 00:53:47,670
you watch the DVD date you'll be on the
1167
00:53:47,670 --> 00:53:53,190
extra features right let's back up take
1168
00:53:53,190 --> 00:53:54,990
my cell phone I see the thing is
1169
00:53:54,990 --> 00:53:57,599
ordinarily I'd have a witty answer but
1170
00:53:57,599 --> 00:53:59,069
I've recently lost a bit of weight so
1171
00:53:59,069 --> 00:54:05,160
I'm not ashamed to do so really is this
1172
00:54:05,160 --> 00:54:07,220
way you've come
1173
00:54:07,220 --> 00:54:11,390
is this how far we've traveled together
1174
00:54:11,390 --> 00:54:15,780
you wanted to best Stringfellow's 20
1175
00:54:15,780 --> 00:54:18,960
meters from here you want to see a fat
1176
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:26,520
pile Australian well Who am I to tell
1177
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:27,690
you you can
1178
00:54:27,690 --> 00:54:32,460
[Applause]
1179
00:54:32,460 --> 00:54:35,020
that's the biggest chain of giving me
1180
00:54:35,020 --> 00:54:45,640
online I have played with my father's
1181
00:54:45,640 --> 00:54:50,110
vibrator i I have sucked a black [ __ ] in
1182
00:54:50,110 --> 00:54:53,650
a toilets I have been molested for you
1183
00:54:53,650 --> 00:55:02,920
people and all you want is my skin well
1184
00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:08,890
that's what you're getting this is we're
1185
00:55:08,890 --> 00:55:10,090
wrapping up right now we got me out here
1186
00:55:10,090 --> 00:55:14,050
singing last night on a Friday the room
1187
00:55:14,050 --> 00:55:17,560
was all men it was a great crowd I
1188
00:55:17,560 --> 00:55:18,490
thought you've been good but they were
1189
00:55:18,490 --> 00:55:22,690
[ __ ] and it was all men angry young
1190
00:55:22,690 --> 00:55:24,220
men and it was like [ __ ] and
1191
00:55:24,220 --> 00:55:27,490
testosterone see and now it's [ __ ]
1192
00:55:27,490 --> 00:55:28,690
it's couples night it's Saturday
1193
00:55:28,690 --> 00:55:31,450
Saturday on Friday you go with the guys
1194
00:55:31,450 --> 00:55:33,100
from work on Saturday you take your
1195
00:55:33,100 --> 00:55:36,880
burden right obviously she gets them to
1196
00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:39,690
choose the movie next time all right I
1197
00:55:39,690 --> 00:55:42,790
don't imagine that I'm the birds choice
1198
00:55:42,790 --> 00:55:48,070
in it some guy go who is he Jim Jeffrey
1199
00:55:48,070 --> 00:55:50,640
psycho
1200
00:55:52,090 --> 00:55:55,130
as long as you can watch Steel Magnolias
1201
00:55:55,130 --> 00:56:00,910
Oh same is yesterday's crowd didn't go
1202
00:56:00,910 --> 00:56:03,310
[Laughter]
1203
00:56:03,310 --> 00:56:06,490
all right how long we got five minutes
1204
00:56:06,490 --> 00:56:09,950
are we gonna do a bit more all right we
1205
00:56:09,950 --> 00:56:11,500
don't have piss anyone off
1206
00:56:11,500 --> 00:56:13,790
okay does everyone know any years ads on
1207
00:56:13,790 --> 00:56:16,550
the stage straight after me so we can
1208
00:56:16,550 --> 00:56:17,630
get into a bit of trouble if we run over
1209
00:56:17,630 --> 00:56:19,670
because I don't want to have the [ __ ]
1210
00:56:19,670 --> 00:56:20,360
beaten out of me
1211
00:56:20,360 --> 00:56:23,890
by a 50 year old man in a dress
1212
00:56:26,310 --> 00:56:29,510
[Music]
1213
00:56:29,810 --> 00:56:36,840
don't think he wears a dress anymore I'm
1214
00:56:36,840 --> 00:56:38,310
gonna see him in the stairs going up
1215
00:56:38,310 --> 00:56:45,750
staying there all right okay I'm gonna
1216
00:56:45,750 --> 00:56:50,310
should we do the sing-along version okay
1217
00:56:50,310 --> 00:56:51,630
I got to get this on tape and you've
1218
00:56:51,630 --> 00:56:52,830
probably all seen you know doing time so
1219
00:56:52,830 --> 00:56:57,930
I gotta do the egg story all right so if
1220
00:56:57,930 --> 00:56:59,370
you have this is what happened yesterday
1221
00:56:59,370 --> 00:57:04,680
we did the this one yesterday we did the
1222
00:57:04,680 --> 00:57:06,720
a story and it was like at a rock
1223
00:57:06,720 --> 00:57:08,540
concert like everyone was singing along
1224
00:57:08,540 --> 00:57:12,360
let's try to do it just properly if you
1225
00:57:12,360 --> 00:57:13,770
know the punchlines please do not yell
1226
00:57:13,770 --> 00:57:16,080
them out in unison but if you really
1227
00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:19,350
want to write copy using I was
1228
00:57:19,350 --> 00:57:21,180
performing the Amsterdam Hilton now in
1229
00:57:21,180 --> 00:57:22,320
the basement after damn Hilton that
1230
00:57:22,320 --> 00:57:23,700
comedy club when I was there for two
1231
00:57:23,700 --> 00:57:25,530
weeks I had two days off from my two
1232
00:57:25,530 --> 00:57:27,000
weeks I found on the outskirts of
1233
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:28,950
Amsterdam there's a great big place for
1234
00:57:28,950 --> 00:57:31,170
the poor warehouse which is like a great
1235
00:57:31,170 --> 00:57:34,890
big as done so me day off I thought [ __ ]
1236
00:57:34,890 --> 00:57:37,530
and Frank space and I went out to the
1237
00:57:37,530 --> 00:57:39,150
poor warehouse and when I go shopping
1238
00:57:39,150 --> 00:57:40,920
and Asda I take a little plastic basket
1239
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:43,950
with me for warehouse to control but
1240
00:57:43,950 --> 00:57:45,060
still have the kids seat which they
1241
00:57:45,060 --> 00:57:47,630
thought was weird
1242
00:57:48,040 --> 00:57:49,510
now I'm loading my trolleys will have
1243
00:57:49,510 --> 00:57:51,220
every been a porno paraphernalia I can
1244
00:57:51,220 --> 00:57:52,480
get I get up towards the til there's a
1245
00:57:52,480 --> 00:57:54,520
massive wall covered in dildos now with
1246
00:57:54,520 --> 00:57:56,920
your mates what would you do sulphide
1247
00:57:56,920 --> 00:58:00,400
but I was by myself so the most I could
1248
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:01,810
muster is like a scene from Star Wars
1249
00:58:01,810 --> 00:58:04,240
but think anyway there's a small wall
1250
00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:06,400
but just as impressive covered in rubble
1251
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:08,020
vibrating vaginas now whenever you with
1252
00:58:08,020 --> 00:58:09,280
your mates you see one of those you go
1253
00:58:09,280 --> 00:58:10,810
who the [ __ ] would use my nose oh
1254
00:58:10,810 --> 00:58:12,310
there's always a bit of brain that goes
1255
00:58:12,310 --> 00:58:16,120
when one trying that just once so I got
1256
00:58:16,120 --> 00:58:17,470
myself with jenna jameson rubber
1257
00:58:17,470 --> 00:58:19,060
vibrating vagina on the side of the box
1258
00:58:19,060 --> 00:58:20,860
I said vibrates eyes to give realistic
1259
00:58:20,860 --> 00:58:22,780
sensation realistic if you're [ __ ] a
1260
00:58:22,780 --> 00:58:24,310
chick with Parkinson's but are in the
1261
00:58:24,310 --> 00:58:27,820
sea now I'm going back to the hotel on
1262
00:58:27,820 --> 00:58:29,140
the decided I'm going to have this Wang
1263
00:58:29,140 --> 00:58:30,610
it's going to be V wank it's going to be
1264
00:58:30,610 --> 00:58:31,870
the weight that when I've got dementia
1265
00:58:31,870 --> 00:58:35,340
I'll be sitting in a nursing I'm going
1266
00:58:43,230 --> 00:58:45,760
so I put on me porn mags down one side
1267
00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:47,110
the better put Paula tell you got the
1268
00:58:47,110 --> 00:58:50,250
rubber cut out how to fire me
1269
00:58:51,570 --> 00:58:55,030
[Applause]
1270
00:58:55,030 --> 00:58:59,050
I'm gonna [ __ ] it put the vibrating egg
1271
00:58:59,050 --> 00:59:00,430
in the end in the corner make a child
1272
00:59:00,430 --> 00:59:02,020
turn it on I'm [ __ ] now felt pretty
1273
00:59:02,020 --> 00:59:03,610
good but I couldn't enjoy myself because
1274
00:59:03,610 --> 00:59:04,780
the only thought going through my head
1275
00:59:04,780 --> 00:59:08,950
was if you die right now this is how
1276
00:59:08,950 --> 00:59:09,940
they're going to tell your mum they
1277
00:59:09,940 --> 00:59:13,420
found him now random [ __ ] it I don't
1278
00:59:13,420 --> 00:59:14,770
have a big Cochrane eye for the thing
1279
00:59:14,770 --> 00:59:16,180
that Romick tom is faulty
1280
00:59:16,180 --> 00:59:17,500
right but I wasn't [ __ ] at the light
1281
00:59:17,500 --> 00:59:19,210
text on the top to sort of tears and the
1282
00:59:19,210 --> 00:59:21,310
egg balls at the end and I'm pretty up 6
1283
00:59:21,310 --> 00:59:22,900
it's not like I can take it back to the
1284
00:59:22,900 --> 00:59:25,450
shop slap it on the counter and go look
1285
00:59:25,450 --> 00:59:30,420
at that I bought that an hour ago
1286
00:59:30,569 --> 00:59:35,079
went home and [ __ ] it now that comes
1287
00:59:35,079 --> 00:59:38,019
broken now I still have a lot of Lu but
1288
00:59:38,019 --> 00:59:39,309
still had a lot of porn I still had a
1289
00:59:39,309 --> 00:59:41,739
vibrating egg so I did what anyone in
1290
00:59:41,739 --> 00:59:44,229
this room would do I live that egg up
1291
00:59:44,229 --> 00:59:47,559
and shoved it up me ass it's now C up
1292
00:59:47,559 --> 00:59:48,999
against the gland called the prostate
1293
00:59:48,999 --> 00:59:51,009
gland the male g-spot I felt terrific it
1294
00:59:51,009 --> 00:59:53,049
felt so good that I was thinking I've
1295
00:59:53,049 --> 00:59:54,729
gotta shower other things up he asked me
1296
00:59:54,729 --> 00:59:57,849
to get back up to England I slightly cut
1297
00:59:57,849 --> 00:59:59,709
a couple of times a jinjo in me chest
1298
00:59:59,709 --> 01:00:01,749
never chiseling me chest let me [ __ ]
1299
01:00:01,749 --> 01:00:03,400
ain't hanging at me ass broken cut the
1300
01:00:03,400 --> 01:00:06,539
corner I gotta tell you I look better
1301
01:00:06,539 --> 01:00:08,680
they know that bit of pain that goes
1302
01:00:08,680 --> 01:00:10,029
through your so life you've had a wank
1303
01:00:10,029 --> 01:00:11,049
and you've got to be to come on your
1304
01:00:11,049 --> 01:00:12,729
head and you go wanted to do that for
1305
01:00:12,729 --> 01:00:14,759
you're a grown man
1306
01:00:14,759 --> 01:00:17,079
well I still had an egg hanging out of
1307
01:00:17,079 --> 01:00:20,289
my ass safe to say wanted to kill meself
1308
01:00:20,289 --> 01:00:22,059
so I start slapping the porn off the
1309
01:00:22,059 --> 01:00:23,529
better turn the porn off the telly I go
1310
01:00:23,529 --> 01:00:25,029
to whip the egg outta me ask the [ __ ]
1311
01:00:25,029 --> 01:00:28,239
courts that sir not only does a snap off
1312
01:00:28,239 --> 01:00:29,799
the two plastic shells of the egg
1313
01:00:29,799 --> 01:00:31,779
slightly break apart and now pinched
1314
01:00:31,779 --> 01:00:35,769
against the cold now your first thought
1315
01:00:35,769 --> 01:00:37,180
is what they worried about this Jimmy
1316
01:00:37,180 --> 01:00:39,579
can [ __ ] this out but there are some of
1317
01:00:39,579 --> 01:00:40,779
those are cities that have nose or
1318
01:00:40,779 --> 01:00:42,400
plastic edges and a note if I could play
1319
01:00:42,400 --> 01:00:46,930
cricket and this experience now I don't
1320
01:00:46,930 --> 01:00:48,219
know if you all know a lot about your
1321
01:00:48,219 --> 01:00:49,599
columns and nor should you but they're
1322
01:00:49,599 --> 01:00:51,400
made up for several channels of pump boo
1323
01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:53,589
through now i've lubed up this finger
1324
01:00:53,589 --> 01:00:55,420
and this thumb and I've gone up the ass
1325
01:00:55,420 --> 01:00:57,219
after the egg with every crab I've
1326
01:00:57,219 --> 01:00:59,259
pushed it further and further and
1327
01:00:59,259 --> 01:01:01,660
further up my colon it's now up to
1328
01:01:01,660 --> 01:01:04,719
channel 5 and we all that have [ __ ]
1329
01:01:04,719 --> 01:01:07,900
daddies my next thought was to get a
1330
01:01:07,900 --> 01:01:09,940
whole lot of high fiber food make it we
1331
01:01:09,940 --> 01:01:11,859
really saw it and push the a gap through
1332
01:01:11,859 --> 01:01:13,630
pressure very similar to when Augustus
1333
01:01:13,630 --> 01:01:15,279
gloop got stuck in the chocolate tube
1334
01:01:15,279 --> 01:01:17,160
and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I
1335
01:01:17,160 --> 01:01:19,630
was working on well commended as a time
1336
01:01:19,630 --> 01:01:21,099
I could have done with a little Loompa
1337
01:01:21,099 --> 01:01:25,779
with a plunger now we have to get going
1338
01:01:25,779 --> 01:01:28,119
so let's just jump forward to day number
1339
01:01:28,119 --> 01:01:30,040
three
1340
01:01:30,040 --> 01:01:33,100
I decided was up my ass for another does
1341
01:01:33,100 --> 01:01:34,810
going to go to hospital my biggest fear
1342
01:01:34,810 --> 01:01:36,190
was going to hospital at a foreign
1343
01:01:36,190 --> 01:01:38,350
country with my accent and going you'll
1344
01:01:38,350 --> 01:01:40,930
never guess what's happened to me by but
1345
01:01:40,930 --> 01:01:42,400
being Holland there's a good chance he
1346
01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:46,140
could go you have an egg up your ass
1347
01:01:47,100 --> 01:01:49,060
go join the queue with the other
1348
01:01:49,060 --> 01:01:54,280
Australians and die number three I had a
1349
01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:58,920
Chinese dinner and I kept me chopsticks
1350
01:01:59,400 --> 01:02:02,470
now I've gone back to the hotel I've
1351
01:02:02,470 --> 01:02:05,020
bent over and this moment I've thought
1352
01:02:05,020 --> 01:02:07,090
to myself you probably should have gone
1353
01:02:07,090 --> 01:02:11,350
to the end Frank museum I put one
1354
01:02:11,350 --> 01:02:13,420
chopstick on top of the egg in a crow
1355
01:02:13,420 --> 01:02:16,210
bearing fashion the other chopstick I
1356
01:02:16,210 --> 01:02:20,320
used to widen the hole in one motion I
1357
01:02:20,320 --> 01:02:22,350
snapped this thing out of my ass
1358
01:02:22,350 --> 01:02:28,480
followed by two feet of [ __ ] it was at
1359
01:02:28,480 --> 01:02:31,840
this moment I thought to myself should
1360
01:02:31,840 --> 01:02:34,980
have done that the bathroom
1361
01:02:45,960 --> 01:02:51,820
that's it okay well thank you very much
1362
01:02:51,820 --> 01:02:52,480
for coming
1363
01:02:52,480 --> 01:02:55,660
I believe that there's a bar downstairs
1364
01:02:55,660 --> 01:02:57,790
that's for everyone but well [ __ ] it you
1365
01:02:57,790 --> 01:02:58,840
don't have to be the guest this we don't
1366
01:02:58,840 --> 01:03:00,640
have to go to the bar we can all just
1367
01:03:00,640 --> 01:03:04,240
walk out as a unit and we can just
1368
01:03:04,240 --> 01:03:06,490
[ __ ] terrorize some [ __ ] kids in
1369
01:03:06,490 --> 01:03:08,350
the street by the other station go [ __ ]
1370
01:03:08,350 --> 01:03:11,170
either okay I gotta [ __ ] I've got 300
1371
01:03:11,170 --> 01:03:25,630
middle-aged people come over here this
1372
01:03:25,630 --> 01:03:26,920
will finish on this joke please listen
1373
01:03:26,920 --> 01:03:29,260
okay I gotta get through right every
1374
01:03:29,260 --> 01:03:31,390
time a woman sleeps with a lot of men
1375
01:03:31,390 --> 01:03:33,070
she's called a [ __ ] if a man sleeps a
1376
01:03:33,070 --> 01:03:35,170
lot of women he's called a stud and
1377
01:03:35,170 --> 01:03:36,790
people have always said this is unfair
1378
01:03:36,790 --> 01:03:38,350
all right I'm here to tell you it's
1379
01:03:38,350 --> 01:03:41,530
completely fair I'll tell you why
1380
01:03:41,530 --> 01:03:44,680
because it's [ __ ] easy to be a [ __ ]
1381
01:03:44,680 --> 01:03:52,090
it's [ __ ] hard to be a stud there are
1382
01:03:52,090 --> 01:03:55,359
fat ugly [ __ ] out there there are no
1383
01:03:55,359 --> 01:03:59,710
fat ugly studs I have met [ __ ] Dwarfs
1384
01:03:59,710 --> 01:04:02,619
I have never met a stunt dwarf maybe in
1385
01:04:02,619 --> 01:04:04,240
their own community but none that I've
1386
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:07,570
ever crossed over to be a stud you have
1387
01:04:07,570 --> 01:04:10,180
to be good-looking charming a good liar
1388
01:04:10,180 --> 01:04:13,510
with a fake job to be a [ __ ] you just
1389
01:04:13,510 --> 01:04:17,590
have to be there I'll taste the onion
1390
01:04:17,590 --> 01:04:20,650
he's a girl I went out with her and
1391
01:04:20,650 --> 01:04:22,060
nobody's claim to fame was that she went
1392
01:04:22,060 --> 01:04:24,160
backstage and [ __ ] an entire member of
1393
01:04:24,160 --> 01:04:26,109
a very famous band there was like five
1394
01:04:26,109 --> 01:04:27,760
of them and she [ __ ] all of them and I
1395
01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:29,320
said why did you do that for it she goes
1396
01:04:29,320 --> 01:04:32,410
well they're my favorite band so I let
1397
01:04:32,410 --> 01:04:35,050
them that is the privilege of the [ __ ]
1398
01:04:35,050 --> 01:04:38,710
right there I can't go backstage that
1399
01:04:38,710 --> 01:04:41,740
girls allowed concert
1400
01:04:41,740 --> 01:04:47,870
and yo I love the last album do what you
1401
01:04:47,870 --> 01:04:51,320
want except the ginger won't get me a
1402
01:04:51,320 --> 01:04:53,890
[ __ ] beer
1403
01:04:54,640 --> 01:04:58,540
ladies and gentlemen thank you very much
1404
01:04:58,540 --> 01:05:18,820
[Applause]
101271
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