All language subtitles for ools.com] S03E07 - Isometrics And After.eng

The trouble with you people is
you're not as fit as you used to be.

I don't think I was ever
as fit as we used to be.

I'm knackered.

Some of the polish has gone from the
top end of your performance curves.

You mustn't go jumping to conclusions
just because we can't breathe
and our legs have collapsed.

What are tha talking about?

Tha's just as puffed as we are.
That ridiculous.

Even puffier.

I have always kept myself in
first class, fighting trim.

Yes, but your trim has become
a short-back-and-sides, Foggy.

Here, what's a scientific term
for flashes in front of the eyes?

Indecent exposure.

Do you reckon our backyard is
big enough to keep chickens?

What do you want to
keep chickens for?

Not the ideal
place for rural pursuits, is it?

Within splashing distance
of a Wesleyan Reform chapel.
The chapel is empty.

You think it's empty.
What about all the spirits
of the former worshippers?

I don't believe in them.

Mrs Arthur Paget used to go there
with a grim expression.

You can't not
believe in Mrs Arthur Paget.

She's still alive.

I don't believe in DEAD Methodists.

Don't you ever give any thought to
the possibility of an afterlife?

Don't you believe in any power
greater than the chairman of your
local National Assistance Board?

When tha's dead, tha's dead.
I saw our Walter
when that safe fell on him

and if he were having any afterlife,
I can tell you
he weren't enjoying it.

He hadn't had
time to open it, had he?

He were not opening it,
he were just moving it for a friend.

What, at 3 o'clock in the morning?

What a lovely surprise(!)

He were well-liked, were our Walter.

Much sought after.
I knew several policemen
who were carrying his photo.

Is that so, knacker face?

Then cast you blinkers
on this matchbox, my friend.

Look at that.

Take it away. Take it away!

Have a look.

Don't interrupt me a minute.

One of the supreme tests of
physical fitness is how long
you can hold your breath.

In the days of my prime,
I could do well over a minute.

I was tempted to
volunteer for a frogman.

You've got the face for it.

Don't let him go.

I used to do better than that.

The princes in the Tower
did better than that.

You'd make a fine frogman, flapping
and barking about like that.
Shut up a minute.

What is it?

I can't hear my heart beating.

What do you want to hear your heart
beating for? Some people like music.

I like listening to my heart beating.

I could hear it when we arrived.

Now it's stopped.

It can't have stopped.

Would you mind repeating that
with a little more conviction?

I can't bear that note
of uncertainty in your voice.

You can listen to mind, if you like.

Maybe some time
when you're not so busy.

Oh, all right.

We're just a bit out of condition,
that's all.

Give me a fortnight,
I'll soon get us back into shape.

Deep in thought, Miss Moody?

Forgive me, Mr Wainwright.

Not at all, not at all.
We're not machines.

You're very understanding.

Oh, please. No, it's true.

Not everyone respects a person's need
for a moment of quiet reflection.

A person like you, Miss Moody.

For me, it's a need, a need that's
true. And I respect you for it.

Without it, I feel weighed
down by the terrible inertia
of one's petty bourgeois environment.

Oh, God, I know what you mean.

Eliot's Waste Land is
depressingly real, Mr Wainwright.

Absolutely. I can't understand
why the council doesn't stop
it with a compulsory purchase.

TS Eliot, the poem, The Waste Land.

Oh, THAT Eliot.

It is still possible, isn't it,
for the individual
to carry within him or her

a fragment of light,
a flame of something, isn't it?

Yes, I'm sure you're right.

A flame of something, yes.

And we who have that flame...

We who have that flame, Miss Moody?

Have a sacred duty
to forge a better society,

where even the poorest can benefit
from the light within us.

Exactly. Even if we've got
to get the Tories out. Right.

And the bloody Independents, and
the Ratepayers' damned Association.

You have a fine mind, Miss Moody.

I think like you, Mr Wainwright.
Yes, I know you do.

That's what first put me onto it.

And you've got damn good legs too.

I like this one in particular.

Hello, hello, hello, hello. What was
he doing down there with your leg?

Are you two engaged?

Hey, here, do you want to
have a look in my matchbox?

Just have a little gander.

SHE SCREAMS

Will you get in there?

What was in it? It was...

Well, it's all here.

What's all here? Don't ask.

Our pathway back to
physical fitness, that's what's
here, in two slim volumes.

I warned you, it's like
that moment in the film.

You know, when this nosey idiot
lifts the lid of Dracula's coffin

and you know what you're
going to have to go through
before they get it back on again.

Oh, heck. I tell you what,
I'll strike a bargain with you.

You put them books away and we'll
promise not to take you
into a corner

and give you a right duffing up.

I'll advise you not to talk like
that to a trained soldier of
the Royal Army Service Corps.

That was a right ladies' regiment.

He stands there,
fermenting in his wellies,

covered in all the glamour of an
ex-veteran of the chemical toilet
platoon of the Pioneer Corps.

A fine bunch of lads.

Whose exploits are still shrouded
in a veil of official secrecy.

That was it about our mob, you see.
Nobody wants to take the lid off.

I should hope not.
Duff me up, he says.

Look at him, takes him all
his strength these days
to lose money on the gee-gees.

You're falling to pieces, man.

I've noticed the
process of deterioration.

There was a time of day one when
no-one was faster than you
at touching your toes.

Someone only had to drop a fag end
and you were down there that fast,

your spine
used to crack like a whip.

Look at you now.
All right, then. Try me.

Drop a fag end on that lino, try me.

Steady, don't pull a
muscle before the big fight.

I'll take him in the pit, that's
what I'll do. I'll take him...

It's grotesque. Grotesque.

A left hook.

I think you'll find
that's your right.

Listen, I'm the greatest,
that's me left hook.

Stop prancing about, will you?

Can't you sit still? I suppose he's
afraid that if he does, someone will
put him out for the dust cart.

It's hard to be graceful when
you've got your breeches tied up
with a bit of old clothes line.

New clothes line. Sorry.

Listen to him.

He's out of breath, his pulse is
racing and there are little beads of
perspiration all over his epidermis.

Don't be filthy.

You don't even know what
your epidermis is, do you?

Give me a clue. I told you.

Epidermis? Epidermis?

My granny used to have one of them,
I think, in a plant pot in the front
window. That was an aspidistra.

It looked like an epidermis.

I'm talking about your skin.
It were green and shiny.

That's right, your skin.

Watch it.
I know when I'm being insulted.

Well, you ought to, shouldn't you?
Look at the practice you've had.

I doubt if even Margot Fonteyn
herself could be graceful

with her breeches tied up
with a bit of old clothes line.

NEW clothes line.

Where do you keep
getting new clothes line?

We have our sources.

Look, read the introduction
on page nine.

No, not you. We don't want
any one fingered exercises.

I can read. Oh, we know. The
Sporting Life and the supplementary
benefit application forms.

All good clean stuff.
You won't find any four-letter
words in my reading matter.

I've only one word for you two
at the moment, isometrics.

That were it!

That was what my granny kept in
a plant pot in the front window.

She used to feed it bonemeal
and used to sing to it every night.

# You're the biggest isometric
in the world... #

Well, I must warn you, Foggy,
that keen as I'm to have develop
a body as tough as whipcord,

or even new clothes line, I should
be reluctant to start anything that
might involve taking my vest off.

You don't have to
take your vest off.

Not for isometrics.
That's the beauty of it.

Yes, but I hope you're not spinning
us any leader-of-men type fanny,

because you're a bit of a reckless
enthusiast sometimes, Foggy.

You can do it all in your
plastic mac, if you like.

Well, you say that now,
but this latest plot of yours

has this squeak of plimsolls
and the flash of nipples about it.

Or is it the flash of plimsolls and
the squeak of nipples? Anyway,
it worries me. You don't trust me.

Only because tha's crackers.

It's nothing personal, it's
just that given the choice between

a spotty moron and somebody who's
out to improve mankind, my heart goes
out to the spotty moron every time.

Isometrics is the ideal form
of modern exercise.

Now look, "Designed for
the busy executive at his desk.

"It can be performed
without elaborate apparatus
at any odd moments of the day."

Oh, you mean like her
at 22 Jenkinson Avenue.

Shut up. Now, there's this one,
many others can be done without
even rising from your chair.

Oh, exercises sitting down.

Right up your street that, isn't it?
Yep.

It's merely the scientific
application of muscle tension

to develop and restore those
tired, flagging limbs.

But there you go again, you see.

I have this nagging suspicion
that some of the nicest people

in the world are among those
with tired, flagging limbs.

Do you want to be nice
or do you want to be fit?
You mustn't want to be nice.

People who want to be nice
are pain in the...arm.

Are we going to try these
simple exercises or are we not?

All right, all right, but let me
remind you that as my personal,
humble comment upon the wildest

excesses of the 20th century,

I have this ambition - that one day
there will be carved on my headstone,

in simple Roman letters, the words:

"To his eternal credit,
he was never seen topless."

Thank you. Here, well, exercise
three, we'll start with exercise
three. We do this one sitting down.

On my word of command,
we begin to try to lift the table.

Eh, up, this is more exciting
than knocking about with dubious
women of the opposite sex.

We shall not be able to
lift the table because
it's screwed to the floor.

What? Is it? Oh, yes.

Very firmly screwed to the floor.

That's typical of
the library committee, is that it?

We'll give the natives are a bit of
culture but we'll make sure the
tables are screwed to the floor.

Eh, up, dodgy knees. What's the
point of trying to lift the table

if the legs
are screwed to the floor?

That's the whole idea,
you grimy, silly person.

That's the whole basis
of isometrics.

See, you exert pressure
against an immovable object
and it tones the muscles up.

Don't argue.
Get a firm grip underneath.

This is the ideal form
of quiet exercise.

You can do it in a crowded room and
nobody need know you're doing it.

Eh, up, some people
have filthy habits.

This is no time for confession.

Now shut up and get hold.

On of the word of command,
lifting party.

Lift.

What's going on in here?

Where do you think you're
going with that table top?

It's merely a temporary setback.

I reckon I've had enough.
Anyway, I don't want my

muscles to get too massive,
otherwise my clobber won't fit.

I thought the whole point
about wearing rags was
it could fit anything.

Flatterer. You're probably going
to die in about 100 years, is it
really worth bothering to get trim?

I see no reason why we
can't do it without the books.

Oh, you need a book? Teach
yourself to die, there's a novelty.

No, we can do the
exercises without the book.

I've got a grasp
of the main principles.

Watch it, it'll make you go blind.

Would you kindly walk
a few paces behind?

I don't want the general public
to get the impression we've stolen
you from the top of a bonfire.

If you insist
that we abandon isometrics,

we shall just have to revert to
the more orthodox forms of exercise.

Or we can just
deteriorate comfortably.

No, we'll start with something short
and snappy.
Like Nora Batty's garters.

The 100 yard dash.

Oh, heck. Will you settle
for a 50 yard stagger?

I'll settle for nothing less
than a reinvigorated body.

Now, 100 yards. Yes, I shall
count to three. That's a good idea.

That's a better exercised to
start with, counting to three.

And on the command, go, I'll expect
to see a flying start, no slacking,

no hanging back,
this is private enterprise.

You can't get fit under socialism.

Don't poke me in the
vicinity of my nipple.

All that socialism will do for you

is to employ another regiment
of civil servants
to do your running for you.

I'll not have a Tory capitalist
poking me within
the vicinity of my nipple.

To do your running for you.

At shop steward speed,
which we all know is the

equivalent of having your legs
firmly shackled in a mangle.

Right, now, on your knees.

That's a Tory talking, that's where
they want us, down on our knees.

I do enjoy hearing people
discuss politics.

It makes you realise there are
things more boring than growing old.

Now, we'll run as far as that bush
down there, then we'll stop.

Are you ready? On your marks,
this will make the blood race...

I just hope we can keep up with it.

Don't forget I'm still
wearing my wellies.

Listen to him, it's like a duck
complaining about webbed feet.

On your marks, 1, 2, 3. Go!

I knew it, I knew it. All right,
don't get your vest in a tangle.

The idea that when it came to
showing a bit of energy,
you'd fail miserably.

All right, we'll have a
crude commercial incentive.

A shilling each in the
kitty, winner-takes-all.

Look at him.

What a performance.

Sometimes, it slips through
the hole in my pocket and I have
to find it in the lining.

Good heavens. Does the same
thing happen to your money as well?

I hope you realise this is
very much of a gamble.

Only a little one. Whether I'm
going to find any money at all.

We'll wait.

This is it. I've got it here.

Don't go away.

If ever he's mugged, his assailant
is going to want waiting time.

Here we are.

Now that King Farouk's coughed up
from the royal treasury,
on your marks.

1, 2,

3, go!

You'll have to move that bush
a bit nearer, Foggy.

I'm losing physical polish.

I ain't...losing...a shilling.

The way you chuck it about on the
gee-gees, you'd never think so.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

Where are you going?

Come back!

Come back. Both of you.

I have this affinity for the water.

It's not that I've got the sea in
my blood, it's more like a pond

or very shallow rivers.

I like to be able to see the bottom.

A passion for inland waterways
could be better than having
the sea in your blood.

The Danes used to have the sea
in their blood and look
how they finished up -

with an international reputation
for pornography. It seems they
like to see the bottom too.

Hey, there are some
rabbit droppings here.

What?

Rabbit droppings.

Well, fill your pockets, kid, there's
nobody looking. It were just an idea.

You might at least let me tell
you what it is.

You'll be sorry.

That's why the human race was buried
in ignorance for thousands of years,

because it wouldn't
keep its ears open.

CAR HORN HONKS

You're a hog! What are you?

We're prepared to believe
that it's a brilliant idea,

it's just that we'd rather not
hear about it on the grounds that

it might tend to invigorate us.
Oh, well, please yourselves.

Eh, up, Nora Batty,
what are you doing here?

Don't you come here near me.

Do you want to have a look
in a matchbox? Here, look.

Will you put that damned thing away?

It won't do any harm, will you?

What have you got in there?

Filth.

Now what's going on? I won't
have you frightening my staff.

The staff?

Mrs Batty is working here now,
so I can spend more time going
around selling in the van.

Eh, up, a bit of glamour
on the premises at last.

Oh, you'll have to get her
done up a bit though, Sid.

I mean, get her into some
black tights and a little skirt

so she can slink around, singing
songs like Marlene Dietrich.

He's got a wicked tongue.

This is the best idea you've
had since them non-crisp crisps.

They were crisp close enough.
Give over.

They didn't go crunch,
they went shlop.

I'll give you a shlop
if you come in any nearer.

You can't keep your
hands off me, can you?

You can't keep your hands off me.

Look, look at these mobile lips.

I didn't come here to be insulted.

Why not? The customers do.

If you got any complaints,
see my missus.

No, it's all right, Sidney,
we'd rather have a complaint
than see your missus.

I understand that point of view.

We'll have three of your
horrible meat pies, please, Sidney.

Do you want the small
horrible meat pies or the
large horrible meat pies?

Small.

Windy.

Here. Ta.

Ta.

Ah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't take the wrapping off,
you'll spoil the flavour.

Now, about my idea.

It occurred to me...
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I do like to see an attractive
woman dabbling through running water.

What's attractive about Nora Batty?

She's got a new bucket.

I've seen her
with her hair down screaming.

I've seen her all done
up on her way to bingo.

Why is it women look so
lush when they go to bingo?
Their eyes sparkle.

Sad, isn't it, that they
seem to prefer it to adultery?

Well, there's a bus that takes them
right to the door.
That's true, yeah.

There aren't many picture palaces
these days that have been converted
into centres for adultery.

How come tha took on Nora Batty?

I didn't, the wife did.

She wouldn't trust me with any of
the other applicants on account
as they had recognisable boobs.

Not good ones, just recognisable.

What the hell are you doing?!

Eh, up, did you see our Sidney
move then? Oh, he's fit.

That's what we want -
a trainer, like Ivy.

You saw what she did
for the Gestapo.

What we want is a very elementary,
if only you'll listen to my idea.

I thought you were going to load that
van. I tell you what I'm going to do.

What? I'm going to load that van.

Ivy, when is Marlene
going to do her cabaret?

Oh, just ignore him, Mrs Batty.

I do, I spend half my
life ignoring him.

He shouts through my letterbox,
words like, "see-through blouses."

Nora, life is passing us by.

The time will come when you'll long
for my passionate lips to be pressed
closely against your...letterbox.

He's all mouth and trousers.

They are all alike. Is that it, then?

The whole male sex guilty
because I haven't loaded the van?

It's guilty whether
you load it or not.

I've never met a man yet that's worth
half a good woman.

That's the trouble,
you can't get half a good woman -

you've got to take
the whole nattering lot.

Get in there! I was only joking.
Don't give me your joking...

SMASHING

MUFFLED SHOUTING

How many more times do I have
to tell you? How many more times?

Now, my idea concerns

the ideal form of exercise for
restoring unfit middle-aged bodies.

We've got the idea.

It's just the opportunity,
isn't it, Nora?

# Falling in love again... #

Sit down and pay attention.

Now look, this idea of mine
will appeal to you particularly
because it involves sitting down...

I'll be glad when this is over.

Why do you always look
at things negatively?

Why don't you see the positive side?

I'm positive I'll be glad
when this is over.

It's highly beneficial
to the kidneys. O-oh...
What's your problem?

I think your geography
is a bit wrong, Foggy.

Within a few miles we'll slip
into it as if we're born to it.

I hate it. I've never met
such a pair of complainers.

You sit there and
do nothing but moan.

Who's sitting? I'm taking most
of the weight in the stirrups. And to
think that England has come to this.

From the spirit behind the
charge of the Light Brigade
to you two reluctant herberts.

It was a horse that
made this nation great.

And uncomfortable.

I didn't realise it were
this far from the floor.

Supposing I get thrown on my head.

Does he look like a savage beast?
His head does a bit, yeah.
He's a placid horse.

He's got four feet on the ground.

No wonder he's placid.

What are you worried about?
They won't go any faster than this.

I'm not worried about
it going faster,
I'm worried about stopping it.

Where's the break?

You have to say "whoa".

Whoa. Whoa, you stupid thing.

Whoa, whoa.

I knew it, it's a runaway.
What, at this speed?

I thought you betting-shop
brigade were fond of horses.

There's no danger,
you can always jump off.

From up here?

Tha must be crazy.

I'm not risking it at this height.

They'll stop when they feel like it.

I should imagine, after a while
you get used to this rolling
motion and start feeling more...

sick.

Take your lead from me.

You don't have to panic,
just leave it to the horses.

They'll take us home.

The horses know where they're going.

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