All language subtitles for The Inbetweeners S02E05 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-iNTRUDER_track3_[eng]

[theme music playing]

[Will] I was no stranger
to Mr. Gilbert's office.

I often popped by with
a complaint or a suggestion

on how I think
the school could be better run.

But today was different.
He'd actually invited me.

Sit down, McKenzie.

Actually, I'm glad we got this
opportunity to chat as there's--

-Shut up.
-Sure.

The headmaster
in his infinite wisdom

has decided it would be
a good idea for sixth formers

to participate in the
Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme.

-I'd like you to coordinate it.
-Me? Really?

The Duke of Edinburgh
representative

for the entire year?

-Yes.
-I am honored, sir.

Thanks very much. Why me?

You're a virgin, aren't you,
McKenzie?

Sorry?

A virgin. You haven't had
full sexual intercourse?

Um, no, I haven't.

Well, there's your answer.
Now get out.

Maybe we should arrange
a weekly meeting

just to check on my progress.

You can if you like,
but I won't be there.

Or maybe I could compose

a regular memo
with how it's all going.

Okay. Why don't you drop that
in my pigeonhole?

Great. Where's that, Sir?

Any bin.

Any rubbish bin you see in,
or, indeed, out of the school.

Just pop all your thoughts
in a rubbish bin,

and they'll get to me.

Goodbye, McKenzie.

[Will] So now I was
Will McKenzie

by Royal Appointment.

But like all great leaders,

I need some idiots
to use as cannon fodder.

Now, where would
I find some idiots?

-Here, look at this.
-[all laugh]

Holy shit! Poor fucker's

had all his hair removed
with Immac.

[Neil] What's that?

What birds use
to get a smooth fanny.

I think my mum uses it
for her legs.

She wants to use it
on her mustache

-and the backs of her hands!
-[laughs]

Brilliant!

Gilbert's just told me
some great news.

The school's hanging out
free briefcases

-to speccy twats?
-No.

Your mum's giving out
free blow jobs?

Nothing to do with my mum.

You've been asked to appear onWho's The Gayest?

Don't think that's even
a real show.

What's happened is, Gilbert has
registered the school

for the Duke of Edinburgh
Awards,

and I'm the coordinator.

Oh, sorry, I thought you had
good news?

This is good news.

Think how good
a Duke of Edinburgh Award

will look on our UCAS forms.

Oh, now it sounds awesome!

Simon, trust me, this will look
great on our uni applications.

'Cause we get to
help the community

and also do some
pretty incredible activities,

like whitewater rafting,

abseiling,
even mountain climbing.

Sounds like
a queer adventure holiday.

Just who is this
Duke of Edinburgh?

Does he teach here?

No, course he doesn't
teach here, you fucking idiot.

The Duke of Edinburgh
is Prince Charles.

-Um, no, he isn't. It's his dad.
-King Philip?

No.

That is the Duke of Edinburgh
you're thinking of,

but he's not the king.

-He fucks the Queen, though.
-Oh...

-Probably up the arse.
-Do you wanna sign up or not?

You gotta be fucking joking.

There's no way
I'm gonna get bummed

by some royal bloke
on a mountain.

-Yeah, fuck it, I'm in.
-What? Why you twat?

I've never met the Queen.

-Simon?
-I'll think about it.

Come on, you can't just have

"moping over Carli"
on your UCAS form.

I actually do loads of things
in my spare time.

Masturbating doesn't count
as a hobby, Simon.

Fuck it, go on, then.

Brilliant.
I'll go and register us now.

-See you Sunday!
-Sunday?

Yes, Sunday.

My mum's barbecue?

Do you remember
anything I invite you to?

-Not really.
-Don't worry. I'm coming.

Wherever your mum's snatch is,
I'll be there.

[Will] So the good news
for fans of overcooked meat,

tedious small talk
and weird neighbors,

was that it was
the day of my mum's barbecue,

and it was rocking.

This is a shit party.

It's a middle-aged
woman's barbecue.

What were you expecting,
the Playboy Mansion?

Still shit.

Um, Si, I just saw your mum
inside. She looked pretty upset.

-Oh, no! Blubbing?
-She was a bit, yeah.

Bloody hell! She's been a total
baby since dad moved out.

Your dad's moved out?

It's no biggie. They've not been
getting on lately.

So, he's moved out for a few
weeks while they sort stuff out.

What, like her face?

It's gonna take more than a few
weeks to sort that mess out.

Shut up, you cock!

You maybe wanna
check she's okay?

Not really.
I've had it all bloody week.

It's so embarrassing.

Do you want me
to get rid of her?

Um, no, it's fine.

All right,
I'd better go and mingle.

Don't break anything
and don't steal anything.

All right. We'll just
go inside and get a beer.

No, you are banned
from going inside.

Why?

Because you'll do something
like steal my mum's knickers

-to sniff and then wank with.
-With?

Yes, with. And then you'll take
great pleasure in telling me

how you wrapped my mother's
knickers round your cock

and used the friction generated
whilst thinking about her tits

to make you come.

Hello, Will.

-Oh. Hello, Mrs. Cooper.
-Simon, do you mind if we go?

Oh, bloody hell. Really?

Okay! Fine!

[Will] While Simon
offered his mother

a surly shoulder to cry on,

I mingled with a fellow
tank top enthusiast.

Shouldn't you be revising?

Ha, yes. One day off won't hurt.

It might do.
My nephew went to Center Parcs

six weeks before
his entrance exam to Oxford.

He didn't make the cut,
decided to take a year out.

All his friends
went to university.

By the time they returned for
Christmas, he'd hanged himself.

Right. Thanks, Roy.

-Oh, sorry!
-Hello, Will!

You probably don't remember me.
I used to babysit for you.

No, course I do, um...
You're Daisy, Maggie's daughter.

Nice to see you again.
You look really different.

You don't.
I recognized your glasses

straight away
and your funny walk.

Do people still laugh
at your funny walk?

Did people laugh at my walk?

No. A bit.

-Great!
-Sorry, it's not that funny.

-It's just different.
-To a normal one?

-Yes, but who wants normal?
-Well, me, now.

Come on, there's a guy
at uni with six toes.

Everyone loves him.

Right, good to know.
So what are you doing here?

-Well, I was invited.
-Yes, course.

And I'm working part-time
at the old folks' home,

so I thought I'd pop by.

Wow, what an incredibly selfless
thing to do!

Not really.

I'm hoping one of the rich ones
might write me into their will.

Sounds amazing. Amazing.

Well, we're always on
the lookout for volunteers.

Really? We're doing
a volunteering scheme at school.

Maybe you could get us
into the home.

It's an old people's home.

-There's not a waiting list.
-Yes. Sorry, of course.

So, you're still at school?

Technically, yes,
but I'm very mature.

-Right, you coming?
-Oh, God. Look.

Sorry. I'll have to
deal with something.

Why? What's happened?

Two of my friends
have just gone into my house.

[chuckles]
It doesn't sound catastrophic.

You don't know them.
Look, can you wait there?

Um, I'm off soon,
but do get in touch

about the volunteering.

Now let's see
that funny walk again.

-Really?
-For old times' sake.

Okay.
I don't really know how I do it.

[Daisy] There it is!

[Will] Daisy
was perfect for me.

She was older,
more sophisticated, caring,

and, best of all,
owned her own nurse's uniform.

I've got some great news.

I spent the morning

setting up our first
D of E assignment.

-It starts today after school.
-The what?

D of E. It stands for
"Duke of Edinburgh".

It's what people on the course
refer to it as.

Do we need to pack?

-Is it mountain climbing?
-No.

I really hope
it's whitewater rafting.

Nope.

Oh, God. This is killing me.
What are we doing?

We're doing voluntary work
at an old people's home.

Up a mountain?

Just round the corner
from school.

Oh, Will, for fuck's sake!

But Prince Charles
will be there?

No.

Will, do we have to do this?

There are several
different modules

you have to do to pass,

this is one of them, so, yes.

[laughs]

I am well glad I'm not doing it.

-I'm glad you're not doing it.
-[bell rings]

'Cause you always
fuck things up.

And as this is important to me,

I don't want you
anywhere near it.

It's important for you
to spend time

at an old people's home,

because you're a pedo.

Well, if I did fancy old people,
which I don't,

that would make me
the opposite of a pedophile.

He is right.

Well, then, he's a OA pedo.

-Brilliant!
-You're desperate for a gum job.

Am I?

[imitating old person]
"I'm Will. Pop your teeth out,

and have a little nosh on this."

-All right, anymore?
-Yeah, give us a minute.

Something about you needing
a queering aid.

[Will] I decided not to mention
that Daisy was the real reason

we had to spend
the next

three weeks
nursing the elderly,

instead,
I focused on the positives.

This will be great,
think of all

the stories
these people will have,

how much we can learn from them.

Is it gonna be boring
like reading?

-Oh, fuck!
-It don't smell great.

Guys, it is such a cliche
that old people smell.

I thought you were
better than that.

But it does smell in here.

In here, granted, it does smell.

But the point is,

we're here to change things
for these people.

That's what the D of E Award's
are all about.

Oh, great.

Let's skip the abseiling and
just watch this lot sleep, then.

Simon,
I promise this'll be worth it.

-Hello!
-Hello.

I think I've done a poo.

[Will] Ohh, that's not good.
Wait there.

-Oh, thank God, Daisy.
-Hello again.

Great to see you. Now,
I've got a bit of a problem.

Is it the smell? You get used
to the smell, don't worry.

Ha-ha. No, I've helped
an old lady to the toilet

and now she's in the toilet,
and I didn't realize

the help would extend
to helping her go.

And I don't think it's right
for me to see her, you know...

-Fanny?
-Um. Yeah.

You don't like fannies, then?

No, love them, love the fannies.

It's just an old lady's fanny.
Not that she isn't a person.

It's just her fanny is hers
and is private.

Why am I talking about
old ladies' fannies?

Why am I talking
about fannies at all?

-Is she in there?
-Yeah.

That's fine. You get used to
the fannies. And the balls.

They're lovely old boys here,

but, goodness,
some of their balls.

Wish me luck.

So what do we do, then?

Just keep an eye on them,
I guess.

To make sure we don't lose any?

I don't think
they're planning an escape.

I had a tortoise once,
and that kept running away.

What has that got to do
with anything?

That was old and wrinkly.

[sighs]

[Neil] Dead now, of course.

[toilet flushes]

Off you go, Phyllis.

Just give us a bit more
warning next time.

Sorry,
I was a bit useless there.

It just takes practice.

We'll soon turn you into the

Florence Nightingale
of wiping old arses.

-How do you do it?
-Front to back.

No, I mean, dedicating your life
to helping others.

It's just a job.

And I'm not feeling
particularly dedicated today.

-Anything I can do to help?
-Not really.

I can't get tomorrow off to go
to my friend's hen party.

Well, I'll be around tomorrow.

And so will my friends.
We could cover for you!

[chuckles]

Will, that's sweet, but I'd need

cover for the
overnight shift, too.

I'll do that myself.

I'll stay up all night
if I have to.

-Seriously?
-Absolutely.

You shall go to the ball,
Cinderella!

[laughs]

You're such a twat,
but a very sweet one. Thanks.

-I owe you one.
-Then let me take you to dinner.

-Dinner?
-Yes, dinner.

Don't you think I might be
a bit old for you?

I promise I'm very mature
for my age.

Normally it's a curse, but
right now it seems worthwhile.

All right, go on, then. Friday?

-Great.
-Cool, I'll see you then.

Thanks again, toy boy!

[Will] Yes! I'd done it.

My ex-babysitter had agreed
to go out with me,

and all I had to do
was ask her.

Oh, and pretend my mates
were happy to spend

their free time
bathing geriatrics.

So, how was your evening
with the zombies, then?

Creepy. Glad I'm not going back.

What?

Oh, yeah, sorry,
I can't do it anymore.

What do you mean? You've got
to cover an extra shift tonight.

You can't do this to me!

I've got to go
and see my dad tonight.

Now he's moved out, apparently
I've got to spend time with him.

It's such a wind-up.

Oh, fuck!
This is a fucking disaster!

I promised Daisy
the three of us would cover her.

Ohh, there's a bird involved.
Now I get it.

Oh, God! I can't let her down.

She's agreed to go
to dinner with me

to say thanks for covering.

-[Jay] Oh, dinner!
-Maybe she won't mind.

She'll mind.
She's only going out with him

because he's doing her a favor.
It's tragic.

-Oh, God!
-Jay, why don't you cover?

Fuck off.
I have better things to do.

What did you do last night then?

-I went down the park.
-The park?

-Did you play on the swings?
-Say what you like.

I don't have to wipe old arse
for the next three months

just to get
a Duke of Spastic Award.

Come on, Jay. Just think of it
as doing me a huge favor.

-Why would I do you a favor?
-For money?

Actually, I would do it
for money. How much?

That was Neil's idea.

I'm not going to pay you
to do voluntary work.

Thirty quid and I'll do it.

-Forty.
-Neil!

If you get this nurse bird

to nosh you off,
then it's a bargain.

You really are
a vile human being.

-Tenner?
-Twenty.

-Oh, God. All right, then, done.
-Yep.

[Will] Sometimes, you just have
to dance with the devil.

Or do voluntary work
with a sex pest.

Without doubt, the worst thing
about your dad leaving home

is having to eat at places like

Little Chef
and the Big Steakhouse

while he tries
to bond with you.

Look, I know this stuff
with your mum

is tough for you guys.

You've probably got
a lot of questions.

Can I get a new car?

If he gets a new car,
then I want a new computer.

You had
a new computer last year.

Well, you got a new car
six months ago.

Yeah, but it's shit.

Boys. I meant questions
about your mum and me.

Not really. Can I go now?

It's been really good
to see you, Simon.

I'm sorry to dump
on you like this,

but I've not really
got anyone else to talk to.

-It's okay, Dad. I understand.
-It's just that

things are complicated with your
mum and me, not just sexually.

It's getting late now.

She used to have an incredible
appetite for it. Incredible.

Please, I don't wanna--

I wish I could just switch off
my urges. Problem solved.

But I'm a very sexual person.
Always have been.

-Is it the same for you?
-I'd better get going.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Um, Dad, everything is going
to be all right, isn't it?

I hope so.

Look, maybe at the weekend

we can have a look
around some car lots,

see if we can't get an upgrade
the yellow peril.

Oh, thanks, Dad,
that'll be brilliant.

Simon, one more thing.

Can I borrow your laptop
for a few days?

The movie channels in here

are a little bit soft,
if you get what I mean.

[Will] So while Simon
was struggling

to keep his mixed grill down,

in his place I had Jay
helping me out at the home.

Lucky me.

[Jay imitating zombie]

Careful, Jay, you'll wake Brian.

Fucking hell!

If you love Brian's
old cock so much,

why don't you marry him?

This is boring.
I'm going for a quick tug.

-What, in here?
-No.

There must be a spare room
around here somewhere.

There's a bedroom down the hall
they cleared out this morning.

-Perfect.
-But they cleared it out

'cause someone died in it.
What if it's haunted?

Haunted or not, it'll be covered
in ectoplasm when I'm finished.

Because of the ghosts?

No, I'm going
to spunk all over it!

The problem pages in these
are always wanking gold.

See you later, mug!

[Will] So, my plan
to impress Daisy

was working perfectly,

apart from Jay masturbating
into a resident's sink

and me being so knackered from
covering the overnight shift

that I fell asleep at school.
Never a good idea.

Here he is. Sleeping Ugly.

Did you get any gray minge
last night then?

I know why you was really
there overnight.

You got a geriatric girlfriend,
didn't you?

I bet you creep into her room,
kiss her on the false teeth

and then slide right up inside
her powdery old fanny.

He's asleep, I reckon.

[snorting softly]

Oh, my God! I don't believe it.
This is perfect.

What you got there?

Hair-removal cream.
Like in them photos.

I nicked it from
Sadie Cunningham's

bag during registration.

Her bush will go out of control,
but this will be well worth it.

-Oh, no way!
-Give us a hand, Neil.

Shouldn't need too much.

He's probably
only got four pubes

and he pisses
through one of them.

[Will] So, unbeknownst to me,

I'd been robbed
of my pubic hairs.

The date with Daisy
was few hours away

and I had alopecia
of the ball bag.

Terrifyingly,
Simon was my only hope.

This business with my dad
is doing my head in.

I know he's upset at night,
but he'll get better.

I bloody hope so.
Christ, he's boring!

He keeps trying to talk to me
man to man. I can't bear it.

We still need help

at the old people's home
if you're interested.

Anything to not hear
about their sex life.

-Is that a yes?
-Yes.

Can I have my creepy, shitty
voluntary job back, please?

Great. I get to sack Jay.
That'll be good.

Are you sure you're okay
about your mum and dad, Si?

Yeah, yeah. They'll sort it out.

Well, I just want you to know

-that I'm here for you.
-Thanks, mate.

Just like I know that you're
there for me if I need you.

-Yeah, course.
-Good.

I need you
to do something for me.

-Okay. What is it?
-Have a look at my cock.

Um...

Not in a gay way. It's just,
something's gone wrong.

I think looking at your cock
at all is a bit gay.

Please, I'm serious.
All my pubes have fallen out.

-What?
-I was asleep at school.

I must have had a wet dream
because it was all sticky.

-You spunked in the common room?
-Yes, but listen.

And I went home to clean up

and all my pubes
came off in the shower.

Sorry, you spunked your pants

in the common room
during the day,

-when there were people around?
-Yes.

-And then your pubes fell out?
-Yes!

This is way out of my league.

Look at it.
Normally, it wouldn't matter,

but I've got that date
with Daisy in two hours.

What if she wants
more than a snog?

Even a snog's unlikely,
no offense, but go on.

Well, if the miracle does happen
and she touches or, worse,

sees the bald old fella,
what's she going to think?

-That you're a porn star?
-Look at me.

I don't think she's going to
think I'm a porn star, Simon.

Maybe you could draw some
pubes on with a marker pen.

Oh, okay. Good idea.

And after that, maybe I'll draw
a six-pack on my stomach!

Or a longer cock!

Or what about wearing
a wig down there?

Oh, good idea! A cock wig!

What sort of idea is that?
Fucking wig!

Look, if you don't want my help,
I'll go.

I'm sorry if I seem
a little stressed.

It's just I've got
no fucking pubes.

Sorry, Simon,
I do want your help.

Please look at my cock.

No!

[Will] Simon was useless,

and all too soon
it was time for my date.

Despite my alarming
lack of pubes,

I tried to put on a brave face.

You look nice.

I'm just going to wash my hands,
then we'll go, shall we?

-Yeah. Great.
-I'll meet you outside.

Fantastic.

[Will] It may have been
a rush of blood to my head,

or maybe the slight chill
around my balls,

but suddenly
Simon's cock-wig advice

seemed my best shot.

-You ready?
-Yeah, sure am.

It was itchy,
but I kind of liked it.

I cannot believe
that plum, Will,

is going to pay me for yesterday

when all I did was watch TV
and slope off for a crafty wank.

I'm being paid to wank.
It's my perfect job.

And tomorrow, I get 20 quid
to do it all over again.

You go to an old people's home
and wank off?

Doesn't that seem weird to you?

Sometimes I even slip a finger
up my arse while doing it.

I'm going back tomorrow,

you need to find somewhere else
to bash one out.

Oh, no, I'll still be there.
Easiest money I've ever earned.

Will won't pay you
if he doesn't need you there.

Yes, he will.
He's gotta give me notice.

I'm a paid voluntary worker.
I've got rights.

-Hi, Simon.
-Dad? What are you doing here?

Uh, me and your mum are just
talking things through.

Oh, great. That's great.

Yeah, yeah.
Listen, you got any johnnies?

[Will] So while Simon's parents
had noisy, unprotected sex,

my first ever dinner date
was going rather well,

especially considering I had
a pensioner's wig in my pants.

Did I just drink a whole bottle
of Pinot Grigio?

I wasn't keeping score,

but it looked
very much like that.

Oh, God. And I only really came
to thank you

-for doing my shift.
-My pleasure. It was easy.

It was as quiet as the place
directly before the grave.

-[laughs] You're funny.
-I try.

No, I really do try.

Oh, God, come here.

Mm!

Wow. Nice.

What am I doing?
You're so young.

Um, yes, I am, but--

No, for God's sake, don't talk.
Just come back with me.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I'm going to blame
the white wine.

[Will] This was amazing.

And although,
in her role as a nurse,

I was sure Daisy
had seen genitalia

much more horrific than mine,

what she probably hadn't seen

was someone
with a wig stuffed down there.

And so after 17 years of trying
to get girls to touch my penis,

I was now doing everything
I could to prevent it.

[Will] Mm-mm.

[Will whimpers]

What the fuck is this?

Daisy, I'm sorry.
Please let me explain.

Is it a wig?

It's a long story, but I've just
not got any hair down there.

No. No, of course you haven't.
I forget how young you are.

I shouldn't be doing this.
You're a child!

No, no, no, it's not that.
I have had hair--

I'm sorry, Will.

Please forgive me.
I know you're not ready,

and you should be allowed
to mature at your own pace.

Look, forget about the hair!
It still works.

Touch it. You might like it.

I'm sorry. Is this Phyllis' wig?

[Will] So my stupid, hairless
gonads had ruined it for me.

And even worse, we still had

two weeks' tedious
voluntary work left.

I can't believe
you're here and unpaid.

I like the old people.
They're like people too.

-You fancy them you mean.
-No, it's not that.

It's just people like Brian,
you know, they've lived.

-I think they're boring.
-Yeah, they're boring.

But it's a different boring,
you know what I mean?

No.

Right, I think
it's about that time.

What, again?

When you got
as much spunk as I have,

you need to release the valve
a couple of times a day.

Plus I've got it down to about
30 seconds now.

You want a copy of Hello?

No, I've done that
cover to cover.

I definitely need
some new material.

I even had to have a wank
over Fern Britton the other day.

If you see Baldy Bollocks,
cover for us.

Daisy, listen,
I just wanted to try

and clear the air
about last night.

I'm sorry,
I'm just too embarrassed.

And I've got to sort out
a new resident.

I wanted to explain,
I don't know what happened.

I used to have loads of hair
down there.

-Will...
-It went down the sides,

all over my balls,

and I've still got
loads in my arse crack!

Will, sometimes it's better
just not to say anything.

[Will] So while I was
flogging a dead horse,

Jay was thinking about
flogging something else,

and in his never-ending quest
for fresh material,

he plumbed new depths.

[masturbation sounds]

Hello! Who's that?

Oh, God!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't worry, love.
I've seen it all before.

I thought it was empty.

Your mum's settling
in okay, I think.

Oh, this is Jay.

He's helping out
as part of Duke of Edinburgh.

How nice.
Thanks for looking after mum.

He did that looking at me.

-Thanks a bunch, Jay. Nice job!
-I didn't do nothing.

Really?
Didn't sound like nothing.

It's just a misunderstanding.

God, I don't know
why you're being

so fucking menstrual about it.

Maybe I'm being
a bit menstrual about it

because not only have you got us
chucked off Duke of Edinburgh,

you've also blown it for me
with a sexy older woman.

-And that was my fault, was it?
-Yes, it was.

-How?
-You wanked at an old lady!

And putting a wig
down your pants

had nothing to do with it?

-That was a terrible idea, mate.
-That was your idea!

A wig? What were you thinking?

Maybe I was thinking,
"What am I going to do?

My pubes have fallen out

'cause my friends
thought it would be funny

to pour hair-remover
over my balls!"

-And it was.
-[laughs]

On the bright side, at least
Daisy touched your cock.

Ah, no. She couldn't get her
hand through the lining.

Oi, don't forget, you still owe
me 40 quid for those two shifts.

I think you may be waiting
a while for that payment.

We fucking shook on it!

Yes, well,
we all know what happens

-when you shake on things.
-[door opens]

[Will] They say
every defeat

is a victory
if you learn from it.

Well, not this one.

It had simply
been a credibility-crushing...

You're a virgin, aren't you,
McKenzie?

...pube-losing, granny-wanking
royal disaster.

Is Prince Charles cross
with us, Sir?