Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Will] Wouldn't it be good to know

exactly how unpopular you are

with the opposite sex compared to your classmates?

Luckily for me, someone invented Valentine's Day,

my favorite annual humiliation.

"Roses are red, violets are blue,

your dong is massive, I want to blow you.

Love from your secret slut."

I didn't get none. I can't believe you got so many.

Yes, it is hard to believe.

"Dear Jay. I've just baked you a finger pie.

Why don't you cum... Spelt C-U-M, and taste it?"

Oh mate, that's so horny. Who do you think it's from?

-Your dad? -Yeah, funny.

Let me look at these.

"Jay, you massive stud, please, please spaff on my tits.

From your Valentine's bitch. P.S., and on my face."

That one's my favorite. I like the way she remembered the face.

It's just funny how all these cards seem

to be in the same scrawly handwriting.

Your secret admirers are either very young

or have severe learning difficulties.

Which I admit is a possibility.

The handwriting's just bad

because they were strumming one out as they wrote them.

It's not you writing with your left hand?

You lot are just jealous,

because I got loads and you got none.

[scoffs] I got a card.

If it's from your nan, it doesn't count.

-I didn't get any, then. -I did get a card. A proper one.

-Total bollocks. -Yeah?

What do you call this, then?

-Interesting! -Wow, who's that from?

Hannah Fields, in the year below.

Sniff it to see if she rubbed her fanny on it.

Neil.

Nah, just a bit of perfume.

So what are you going to do about it?

Nothing. Apart from making sure Carli doesn't find out.

[scoffs] I think she'll be too busy sucking

on her boyfriend's knob to notice.

-Shut up. -What?

All I'm saying is, he'll have his cock right deep in her gob

and then in her vag.

Out of the vag, straight back in the gob.

-Thanks! -Oh, yeah, that reminds me.

Give that to your mum for us.

Are you serious?

Oh, you are.

Don't tell her who it's from, though.

No, course not. Anything else, Neil?

Would you like me to ask her out for you?

Would you?

Um, let me think about that. Would I?

No. No, I fucking wouldn't.

Good morning. And shut up.

Right, everyone, your work-experience placements

have been finalized.

And as 99% of you left it to the careers officer,

I don't want to hear whingeing about where you're heading.

Sir. There seems to be some mistake.

Oh, is the mistake you choosing

to ignore me saying "No whingeing"?

No, sir, it says here I'm going to work at a garage.

-Yes. -Come on. Me, a garage?

-Does that seem likely? -What's your point, McKenzie?

I wrote to the local paper, sir. To shadow a journalist there.

Maybe even write a few pieces myself.

Right, let me have a look.

I don't get paid extra for this, you know.

Okay, it says here that Sutherland

is expected at the newspaper.

Case closed.

Well, then there's clearly been some sort of mix-up.

I don't mean to be rude but... look at him.

-No offense. -None taken.

What did you put down as your first choice, Sutherland?

Airplane driver.

-And that is? -Someone who drives planes.

-You mean a pilot. -Do I?

What was your second choice?

-Working with cars. -Right.

Ever wanted to work at a newspaper?

No, sir.

Have you ever read a newspaper?

Not really.

Okay, it does seem there's been

some sort of mistake here somewhere.

That's okay, mistakes happen.

Shall I go to the paper tomorrow?

No. No. You go to the garage. It's all booked.

Is this a joke?

Do I make a lot of jokes?

-But, sir... -I can't change the placements.

Can't or won't?

You pick. It's the same result.

Sutherland?

Does this mean I won't be driving any planes?

This is a fuck-up.

What kind of experience am I gonna get at a garage?

Apart from a depressing working-class one?

At least you get to look at all them horny calendars.

What do you wanna work on a paper for anyway?

Thought you were going into the family business.

-Which is...? -Prostitution.

Yep, nice one.

Look, it'll be shit anyway.

The clue's in the name. Work experience.

It won't be shit at my dad's firm, Si.

We'll have a right laugh.

When I worked there last summer,

I spent every day jumping JCBs over cement mixers.

Well, that's a lie.

And I got paid a grand at the end.

Another lie!

I had a wank this morning thinking about your mum's tits.

-Is that a lie? -I hope so.

-It's not. -Oh, good.

-Sorry, mate. -I ain't your fucking mate!

He's touchy.

Probably because he's a short-arse.

-What did you say? -What?

-He's taking the piss, Danny. -Yeah?

I'll fucking do you.

-Yeah, whatever. -Wanker.

-What's his problem? -Ohh, don't cry, Simon.

Yeah, good one.

Um, catch up in a bit.

Oh, that's right. Run after her. That's not creepy.

[chuckles]

[Will] I may not have received any Valentine's cards,

but that didn't mean I hadn't sent any.

-Charlotte! -Oh. Hello.

Happy Valentine's Day. Did you get any cards?

-Yeah, maybe ten? -Ten?

Yeah, me too. But did you get any flowers?

I think you know I did. I thought it was really sweet.

I was going to say, if you're not busy,

we could hang out this Friday night?

I think I'm free. Yep, yes, I am.

I'm working behind the bar

at this local Valentine's disco thing.

It's under-18s, so it might be a bit lame,

but if you fancy popping along to keep me company?

-A date? -No, Will, not a date.

-Just two friends hanging out. -Great. See you on Friday.

-It's a date. -No, it's not a date.

Cool.

[Will] She said it wasn't a date,

but we both knew it was a date.

Before that, I had to make the most

of my new, pointless, shitty manual job.

Hello?

[music plays over radio]

Will McKenzie. I'm here for work experience.

Hello, you must be Will. Great to meet you, I'm Jim.

This here's Wolfie and Steve.

Hi, Jim. Hi, Steve. Hello, Wolf.

-Wolf-ie. -Wolfie, right, gotcha.

You'll have a right laugh.

Long as you don't mind a bit of blue talk.

-Not a poof, are you? -No.

Not a problem if you are,

just be harder to join in some of the banter.

Any part of car mechanics

you're especially interested in, as it goes?

To be honest, none of it, as it goes.

More interested in bikes, is it?

No the media or law.

Look, no offense,

but I'm never going to work in a place like this.

-Place like this? -You know, a place like this.

Manual, dirty. Not stupid exactly,

but not academic by a long chalk!

It's not that I'm better than this,

it's just that I am much cleverer

than you need to be to work here.

-Steve here's got a BTEC. -Exactly.

I suspect the mix-up'll be sorted today.

I'll be gone tomorrow.

I see. You don't mind helping out today, then?

-No, course not. Just the once. -Right then, Cholmondley-Warner.

First job is, we need some stuff picking up from the suppliers.

Fine. I'll just get a pen and paper.

Great.

Okay, we need two tins of tartan paint.

-Tartan paint times two. -Spirit level bubbles.

Bubbles.

-Spirit level. -Do you need anything, Wolfie?

Yeah, ask him for a reach around.

A reach around.

Don't forget you really need that.

Fine. So that's two tins of tartan paint,

bubbles for spirit level

and... a reach around.

And you might as well ask for a long wait while you're there.

Great!

[snickering]

Oh...

-This is a joke, isn't it? -What?

These items. They're not real things, are they?

-They don't exist. -I don't know what you mean.

Now, I know that these initiation ceremonies exist

in certain types of workplace,

and, don't get me wrong, I enjoy the camaraderie,

but you have to get up pretty early to fool me.

-Fair enough, you caught us out. -Yeah, fair cop.

Too sharp for us.

I'll tell you what why don't we

initiate you with a pint at lunch instead?

-Great. -We'll go to the Crown.

Barmaid in there's got a smashing pair of tits.

Okay!

[Will] So, while I was getting a City and Guilds in tits,

Neil was at the newspaper,

happily wasting the opportunity of my lifetime.

Toby, your work experience is here.

Oh. Fine... All right.

-Hi. You must be Neil. I'm Toby. -All right?

So, tell me.

What are you looking to get out of this assignment, Neil?

Oh, don't worry, I won't steal nothing.

[laughs]

No, what I meant was,

is there anything specifically

you'd like to do while you're with us,

or an area of journalism you're particularly interested in?

No, not really.

All right.

And do you have any questions

you'd like to ask me about anything?

-How long's my lunch hour? -An hour.

[Will] Meanwhile, Jay really had arranged

some great work experience for Simon,

freezing his arse off at a disgusting plant-hire yard.

This is shit. I don't want to do this for a living.

No, it's all right! We'll be able

to drive the diggers soon, I reckon.

Oye Jay? What have you stopped for?

This is meant to be work experience,

not standing-around-being -a-useless-twat experience.

You don't need any experience at that. You're the expert!

Sorry, Dad, we only stopped for a moment.

This is well knackering.

You'd better get used to it, because with your brains

you'll be fucking lucky to get a job throwing shit into a skip!

This isn't exactly how you described it, Jay.

Get many Valentine's cards, Simon?

Just the one.

-One more than Jay's ever got. -I got plenty.

Don't worry, son, there's a girl out there for you.

You just need to find a desperate bird

that likes the smell of BO and blokes with tiny cocks!

[laughs uproariously]

Now get back to work.

I ain't paying you to sit on your scrawny arse all day.

-[Simon] Nice. -[Neil] All right?

[Simon] What you doing here?

I thought you were meant to be at the newspaper.

-They let me go home at lunch. -You jammy bastard.

Si, what's all this I hear about

you having a fight with Danny Moore?

What? Who's Danny Moore?

He's been mouthing off about how he's going to do you in.

Who is he? I don't even know who he is.

That kid you bumped into and then called a short-arse.

That was Jay.

Well, you'll have to go and knock him out now, Si.

Teach him a lesson.

If you see him, tell him he's made a mistake.

I'm not getting involved.

I heard he's from a well-hard family in Northwood.

-His brother did time. -Ohh, Northwood?

Been nice knowing you, Si!

What's this, my dad's bigger than your dad? What are we, 12?

-I think he is 12, actually. -You're not scared, are you?

No, it's just I'm not going to look cool beating up a kid.

And you couldn't.

Yeah, I fucking could. Now can we just leave it?

I'm not fighting anyone.

[making chicken noises]

Oh, yeah, nice one.

Mature.

[Will] Compared to Simon,

my first day was turning out okay.

After a morning of pretending cars were broken

and overcharging middle-class women,

we had bonded over a pint.

Thanks for that, guys.

That was a much more civilized way to welcome me.

It's shame we won't get to do it again...

Oh, no! A kidnap? What are you, the cockney Al-Qaeda?

[Jim] Don't shit yourself.

We're just going for a little drive.

-Hello, mate. -Come on, guys,

is this really necessary?

What about my allergies? Let's talk about this.

Please! My allergies!

[men laughing]

Wasn't expecting that, was you, mastermind?

See you tomorrow! Ha-ha!

[Will]Institutionalized bullying

wasn't quite the work experience I had in mind.

But I knew how to deal with bullies.

I got my mum to tell the teacher.

[laughing heartily]

I was hoping you'd be able to do something about it, Mr. Gilbert.

I'm sorry.

I just wonder what he said to them.

I don't think he said anything, Kevin.

Oh come on, we both know Will, he must have said something.

He had to walk back through the town center

sopping wet and barely clothed, Mr. Gilbert.

I'd hoped you'd take this more seriously.

He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience,

and instead I'm picking frogspawn out of his underpants.

Would you excuse me just for a second?

[muffled laughter]

Oh, God!

Look, I don't want it to seem as if I'm passing the buck,

but it really is up to their employers.

I will ask if they'll consider swapping students,

but I can't promise anything.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I do have a meeting to attend to.

[Kevin sighs] Oh!

What a pickle!

I'm not sure I should send Neil to the garage.

-Those men sound like brutes. -I think it was just hijinks.

What, three dirty men throwing a young naked boy into water?

-The mind boggles. -I never said Will was naked.

Oh, I thought you did...

[Will] Hmm. Not quite the outcome I'd hoped for.

Neil's dad imagining me naked.

When it comes to love, they say a gentleman never tells.

But, unfortunately, I wasn't a gentleman.

I was a twat.

Guess who got a date with Charlotte Hinchclifee?

-Mark Donovan? -Nope.

I bet it is Donovan. He's probably

balls deep in her right now.

-No! The answer is me. -No way.

Yes, way. Of sorts.

-Of sorts way. -How?

I've no idea.

Honestly, I don't know. I'm not gonna stop and ask her.

She likes me at the moment.

I'm going to do everything I can to keep it that way.

-Sounds like a good plan. -So, when is it, then?

-What? -The date.

-Friday night. -What we up to Friday night?

Same as every Friday night.

-Nothing. -Maybe we could go.

In what world would I want you to come along?

It's not for you, it's for us.

It'd be funny to watch you fuck it up.

[chuckles] Yeah, you might cry.

Thanks for the vote of confidence,

but you won't want to come.

I'm meeting her at this under-18s night

she's working at.

It will be very uncool, even for us.

Sounds all right to me.

At least we'll definitely get in.

No, no, no.

-You honestly won't like it. -We might even get some.

-Won't they be a bit young? -Nah.

If there's grass on the pitch, play ball.

And what if there isn't?

But by the time you find out it will be too late anyway.

Surely you've got something better to do this weekend

than watch me try to get off with Charlotte?

Great, no, fine. See you there then.

[Will] So before my date with Charlotte,

and it was a date,

I had to endure one last day with the savages.

Although I was pleasantly surprised

to find Jim and Wolfie engaged in serious debate.

All right, Will? You'll like this.

We're just having "a discussion."

Oh, really?

Which titties would you spunk over?

The little ones, or big and bouncy?

A handful, plenty to play with.

They both look nice.

Better than anything you'll ever get, mate!

All right then, I'd spunk on the big ones.

And they're not better than I'd get.

Bollocks. Hey, Steve,

Spanky here reckons he's had better than that.

-I have. -Fuck off, you're a virgin.

-Classic virgin. -That's where you're wrong.

I did it last year. With a girl I'm seeing tonight.

-Yeah, sure. -Yep!

She's fit, she's older than me, and she goes like a porn star.

Oh, right.

Yeah, and she's got massive titties.

And I... Well, I... fucked her hard and all night long.

What are you and this dirty little

horn bucket up to this weekend?

I might come and check her out.

Going to an under-18 disco where she works,

so you won't be able to.

-I could go. -What?

I could go, I'm 17.

You're 17?

-You're 17? -Yeah, yeah. I just look older.

There's looking older and then there's that.

You look about 30.

Lovely! Wolfie'll check out

this tart you've been boning, then.

-Good. -Maybe Wolfie'll pull her.

Except he won't do that because she loves me.

She loves you? Oh Wolfie, I'm going to cry.

I mean, she loves to fuck me.

Yeah, course she does.

[Will] That evening at the Civic Hall,

I hoped Neil would enlighten me

about what I'd be up to next week.

Admittedly he'd never enlightened me

about anything before, but you never know.

How's the newspaper, Neil?

Have they asked you to write anything?

Nothing boring like that.

I'm on the internet most of the day.

This afternoon I smashed up some old desks in a skip

and then they let me go home at four.

[dance music playing]

-Are we the oldest here? -Possibly.

It's even more shit than I knew it would be.

I honestly don't why you came.

To see you get blown out by Charlotte titties again.

Please try not to fuck this up for me.

Charlotte asked me so there's a chance,

admittedly a very slim chance, that she wants to pull me.

Maybe she needs a mechanic to service her car.

-Good one. -I'd service her all right.

I'd slide my dipstick in right deep.

Thanks for coming.

Really appreciate it. I'm going to find Charlotte.

Up to you. It looks like there's some tidy minge here.

Yes, it's tidy because there's no hair on it.

Si, Hannah Fields is over there.

[Jay] Is that who your Valentine was from?

Oh, yeah, shit. She looks quite fit actually.

Right, I'll go over and tell her you fancy her.

-No, hang on. -Why?

Well, you going over and telling her I fancy her,

seems a bit, you know, childish.

When in Rome. That's how you got to play it with younger girls.

You go over... Shit, she's coming over here.

So, did you get my Valentine's card, then?

-Oh, yeah, great. Thank you. -Do you want a drink?

-I've got one, thanks. -No, I mean a proper drink.

Oh, right. Yeah, thanks.

-You're fit. -Sorry?

[scoffs] Forget it.

Come on.

I think you're well sexy.

I used to stare at you in assembly.

-Right. -You're so horny. Tongue me.

How old are you?

Blimey, that didn't take long.

Compared to you and Charlotte anything's quick.

Softly, softly, catchee monkee.

I didn't know you spoke Spanish.

See, I told you this was a great place

to get your fingers stinky.

Oh, my God, she's going for his cock.

Oh! What you doing? Shall we go somewhere more private?

-I want you. -Right. Yeah.

Careful, no one's touched that before.

-It might go off. -Oh, good.

Yes, crikey, careful.

Are they allowed to do that in here?

Crikey.

Fuck me, she's going to wank him off.

The jammy git's pulled an experienced cock handler.

Or someone so hugely inexperienced

she thinks this is the best way to pull an older boy.

-It's a win-win situation. -It's not really, though, is it?

Thanks to me, we're now watching Simon get wanked off.

Yes, well, we really do have a lot to thank you for.

Getting a bit weird now.

I don't like him making eye contact.

None of us do, Neil.

Call me a short-arse now! Yeah?

[grunts in pain]

Come on then, you fucking coward.

Please, not his face.

I'm gonna fucking do you!

Northwood are in the house. You're fucking dead!

How embarrassing.

-That was brilliant! -Was it?

Fucking hilarious. He totally did you.

-Have they chucked him out? -Doubt it.

No, not going to chuck him out for that.

That was a scuffle.

He kicked me in the cock.

Good shot to get you in the cock.

-What happened to Hannah? -Um, I think you blew it

when you got knocked out by a 12-year-old.

I fucking slipped.

Uh-oh. He's talking to a load of Northwood lads.

-What? -[Neil] They don't look 12.

Fucking hell, Si, you muppet. We are so dead.

What do you mean? That should be the end of it!

Simon's taken a beating, a child's honor's been restored.

-I didn't take a beating! -Yeah, you did.

This is Northwood we're talking about.

It's not the end, it's the start!

-What are we going to do? -Shall I get Charlotte?

-Is she hard? -No, she'll get them thrown out!

I'll go find her, you go and hide somewhere.

-Hide? -Yes, hide.

Toilets?

Charlotte!

Someone's desperate for a diet coke.

No, Simon's been attacked by a kid...

Here? What did he do, headbutt him in the knee?

No! Kicked him in the cock, actually, but listen...

Please say you aren't asking me to protect you from children?

-A bit. -All right, Cholmondley-Warner?

-Oh, no. -Is this your bird?

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no. -Nice to meet you.

You're exactly like Will said you was.

Right. I hope that's a compliment.

Yeah, it is. You wouldn't mind having a quick word

with our boss Jim on the old blower, would you?

[chuckles nervously] Please don't.

New friend?

From work experience. Not really a friend.

-Jim for ya. -Ignore everything he says,

it's bollocks, I promise.

Hello.

Right. No, I'm not his girlfriend, no.

No, we didn't have sex.

He did, did he? No, that didn't happen.

-No, I'm not a porn star. -Charlotte, listen...

I was working in a garage.

You don't understand what it's like.

How many chances do you think

you'll get to be a dickhead, Will?

One more?

Wrong. You're a nasty little virgin.

-See you later. -Right, fair enough.

Okay, best of a bad lot, deal with what we've got.

Wolfie, you've got to help me and my mates. We're in trouble.

No, I'm off, mate.

Only popped in to check out your missus.

Well, thanks for popping by and ruining my love life.

No problem.

I hope you and your ignorant boss

get a good laugh out of it.

I'll tell you who'll be laughing last! Me!

Because I'm not the one who'll be working in a shitty garage

doing manual labor for the rest of my life.

-See you Monday. -No! No, you won't!

Because I'll be at a local paper.

That's right, a local newspaper.

[Will] So my date, yes, date, was a disaster.

[mobile phone beeps]

But at least my friends weren't hiding in the toilet.

Oh, they were.

Hmm. There was only one person who could help us now.

[Simon] Thanks for stepping in, mate.

I was going to dive in the second you put your cock away.

Budge up a minute Jay, I really need a piss.

You're not pissing in here, Neil.

Why not? It's a toilet.

Go outside if you have to.

What if they come in?

I don't see why I can't piss here.

Because I do not want to see piss

coming out the end of your cock.

-I could sit down and do it. -What?

I do that sometimes. You know, for a treat.

Oh, fuck, just get on with it, then.

-Are you going yet? -I can't. You're putting me off.

[knock on stall door]

-Shit, who's that? -Could be Northwood.

-[high-pitched] Who is it? -It's obviously me.

What is happening in here?

[Simon] Has Charlotte sorted it?

No. I've sorted it, though.

-What have you done? -My mum's gonna pick us up.

-What? -Oh, this is tragic.

[Simon] You called your mum?

Your mum is coming to rescue us

from the toilet of an under-18 disco

because we're being bullied by 12-year-olds?

No one must ever know about this.

Si, go outside and take your beating

from a child like a man,

and then we can all leave.

I'd have taken him down if it weren't for Northwood.

How were you going to take him down?

Spunk in his eyes?

Oh, shit. What if Carli finds out about me and that girl?

Oh, no! Maybe she still won't go out with you.

Oh, God, this is a fucking disaster.

No, actually, it's okay, it's fine.

I just need to move away and change schools.

My night hasn't been brilliant either.

At least next week will be better.

Get my teeth into some journalism.

Oh, yeah, I was meant to tell you about that.

the paper want to keep me on so there's no room for you.

Tell me you're joking?

No, they said I was the best work experience they'd ever had.

[man over PA] This is an urgent message for William McKenzie.

Please make his way to the front entrance

as his mother is here to pick him and his friends up.

Please come to the front where

your mother is waiting to collect you.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

[Will] It had been a strange week.

I hadn't experienced much actual work,

but I had learnt some valuable lessons.

Never work with children or animals.

-Hello, Wolf. -Wolfie.

Don't call your valentine a porn star.

You're a nasty little virgin.

And despite what I'd previously thought,

a girl touching your penis is not always a good thing.

-[urinating] -[Neil sighs] There it is.