Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Hi, I'm Will, and yes, it's a briefcase.

I'm still at a normal, terrifying comprehensive,

'cause my Mum hasn't scraped enough money together

to send me back to my old, private,

and, let's face it, better school.

However, I have made friends here

and in some ways, this term will be better than the last.

And in many other ways, a lot, lot worse.

But before all that, my first hurdle of the new term

involved a freezing cold day in January,

a coach and Jay calling me a bender.

-Morning, benders. -All right.

This is it.

The Swanage field trip is legendary for carnage.

It's the only reason I chose geography.

Seems like a flimsy reason. Unspecified carnage.

I'll tell you one thing that won't be flimsy.

My cock. There's this sexy housewife down there,

and every year she fucks one bloke from our school.

How can you possibly know that?

My mate went last year and he banged her.

He said that she was the best he'd ever had.

A right fit, mature bird

that does it because she loves young meat.

Oh, bollocks. For one thing,

you don't even have a mate in year 13.

-Yeah, I do. Chris Groves. -Never heard of him.

Well, he's not gonna hang out with a twat like you, is he?

So let me get this straight. Your imaginary friend fucked

an imaginary older woman in Swanage,

so you decided to do geography A level. Good plan.

We should try and have a laugh, do something different.

We could go on a boat trip.

I checked online, they hire boats from the harbor.

The Internet really is wasted on you.

No, I don't know.

We should try and get off with the local girls,

or get some booze in or something.

Everything we're shit at here,

but by the seaside. Yeah, can't wait.

We could light off a flood of fireworks in our room.

Could do. Might be a bit pointless.

-Neil, what are you doing? -Getting on the coach.

But you don't do geography or sociology.

I know that.

So what are you doing getting on the coach

to the geography and sociology field trip?

Jay was going on about how mental it all was,

and I really wanted to go,

so I asked Mr. Kennedy if I could come and help him out.

Pedo Kennedy? He said yes, presumably?

-He did, actually. -Who's Pedo Kennedy?

Geography teacher and pedo.

I don't believe the school would actually employ a pedophile.

They have done.

The thing is, they haven't, have they?

He was caught in the music cupboard

wanking over the school orchestra.

-When? -Before we started.

Convenient. What's he asked you to do, Neil?

He's got to collect a load of samples.

-What, of your spunk? -Collected in his mouth.

-And hair. -Behave.

[Will] So even though Neil

was now a suspected pedo's plaything,

we boarded the coach with high hopes.

It might have been a new term and a new year,

but some things never change.

[clicking]

-Still going well with Carli? -Shut up.

-Here he is. -Watch out, Neil.

-Oh, don't do that. -Oh, thumbs up, friend!

Oh, weird, old, inappropriate friend.

Oh, spunk samples friend.

Why did he have to do the thumbs up?

'Cause that's what'd be going up your arse first.

-Going up your arse first. -[laughs]

[Will] But in all the excitement,

we'd forgotten the first rule of coach travel.

Hard kids at the back.

-I'm off. -No! Stay!

There's no reason for us to move, and we're not moving!

-Move. -Why should we move?

Do you want me to give you a reason?

-I'm not leaving without one. -I don't think you understand.

I don't think that you understand

that we got up early to secure these seats and...

[choking] Yeah. Fine, good point.

[Jay] Ah, fuck, where are we gonna sit now?

What is going on? Will you lot sit down?

Our seats have been taken, sir. There's nowhere left.

Yes, there is. There's loads at the front. Sit next to John.

I'm not sitting next to John, his fat arse takes up two seats.

I've got feelings too, you know.

Fine, you're sitting next to me.

-Oh, what? -Well, it's me or Mr. Kennedy.

Now, come on, hurry up!

And McKenzie, sit down.

-Hello. -Hi.

-Um... who're you? -I'm Lauren Harris. I'm new.

Hi, I'm Will McKenzie. Scary being new, isn't it?

Yeah. It's a bit.

The way the kids all threaten to beat you up

and call you names like, "briefcase wanker!"

-It's not been like that. -No, it wasn't for me either.

[Will] I was more used to field trips

to places like the Alps or Barcelona

than shitty English seaside towns,

but as we headed to Swanage,

there was definitely a sense of excitement,

a feeling that anything could happen.

For the first couple of hours,

then it became just another

incredibly tedious coach journey.

Don't even think about trying to talk to me.

-Oi, who wants to swap seats? -Nah, you're all right.

Oh, God, it's so boring up there.

Wait a minute, who's Sponge-bob shit-his-pants talking to?

-She's fit! -[Jay] Yeah, she is.

-This'll get her attention. -Neil, don't be embarrassing.

Oi! Everyone, watch this!

-[horn honks] -[students laugh]

-What's going on? -Neil's jut being silly.

Is he doing that horn thing? That's really funny.

Yeah, really funny-silly, isn't it?

Silly in a funny way.

-Do it again, Neil. -Yeah, do it again, Neil.

[horn honks]

[all cheering]

Here, if you like that, I got a good one.

-[student 1] Such a... -[student 2] Don't be silly.

[chuckles]

What? They loved it.

Cartwright. Sit down.

[Will] So far, the only unspecified carnage

we had witnessed

was what Big John had left in the coach toilet.

But Jay wasn't giving up

on finding his mythical seaside MILF.

So where do you think this nympho hangs out, then?

Not sure. High Street, maybe?

Or down by the ice-cream stall on the front?

Apparently, she comes up to you

and asks for a lick of your Cornetto.

It means she's offering a cock-in-mouth situation.

-It's like a code. -Brilliant.

Oh, Will, bit embarrassing,

but do you mind if I sit with you at lunch?

'Cause I've got no mates and all that.

God! No problem at all.

You can sit on my lap if you like.

[chuckles]

No, thank you.

I thought you should know, that thing you did on the bus

was really sad and pathetic and not funny.

I'll see you later.

-Frigid. -[chuckles]

Looks like you won't be getting off with Lauren, then.

Who cares? She's just a little girl.

I didn't come down here for girls, mate.

I get enough of them back home.

No, I've come down here for a woman.

-She is fit, though. -What?

-Lauren's fit, isn't she? -I saw her first.

-What? I only said she was fit. -Hi, guys.

-Hi! -Here, sit down here.

Oh, I'm just off actually.

Oh, no, don't leave on my account.

No, it's not that.

It's just I've got to see a man about a dog,

-then a woman about a pussy. -[chuckles]

I do know what that means.

-Right. You coming, Neil? -Yeah.

-I'm Simon, by the way. -Hi, Simon.

-Sorry about those two. -It's all right,

I've got a younger brother, so I'm used to it.

Well, actually, he's eight,

so he's a bit more mature, but you know...

[Lauren and Simon laugh]

[in Yoda voice] "Feisty one, you are!"

-What? -"Feisty one, you are!"

-Why are you talking like that? -[normal voice] It was Yoda.

From Star Wars.

It's the same impression I was

doing on the coach for about an hour.

Oh, was that what that was? Oh, good.

I thought you might, you know, have a problem.

-[chuckles nervously] No. -Or Asperger's, maybe?

Wrong again!

Have you ever been tested for anythin'?

Good one.

Oh, I was going to ask,

would one of you do the survey with me,

'cause I've got no mates and all that?

-I will. -Oh, really?

-Yep. -I don't think you can.

-Why not? -Yeah, why not?

Um, maybe because of what I mentioned earlier?

-Jay fucking an old woman? -Oh, ladies present.

No, um, the other thing.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Look, Will. Lauren doesn't know anyone. Don't be a dick.

I'm not being a dick, Simon,

I'm just saying who am I going to do my survey with?

Oh, no.

Mr. Gilbert says I'm to pair up with you

because I'm not very good

with directions and I might get lost.

Great!

Can I borrow your forms? I spilled ketchup on mine.

[Will] So Simon got to hang out with lovely Lauren,

while I had to stop a fat kid from wandering into the sea.

Meanwhile, Jay was searching

for that rarest of beasts,

a sexy middle-aged woman.

Hurry up, Jay, I've got to get back

to help Kennedy out in 15 minutes.

All right, I'll try this one.

-Excuse me. -Yes?

Um, we're doing a survey for school.

Can I ask you a few questions?

Will it take long?

It can take as long as you like.

-Sorry? -Nah.

First question, what form of transport

did you take into town today?

-I drove. -Drove.

And how often do you use public transport?

Rarely.

And do you wear, like, stockings and that?

Is this about transport?

It's just the questions written down. Uh, one last one.

Ohh...

-All right? -Oh, hello. Where's Lauren?

She went to get a drink. She's nice, isn't she?

I thought you were only interested in Carli.

Well, sort of, but Lauren's all right, you know?

Easy to talk to.

-Did she mention me at all? -No.

-Right. -She said she thought

I was really good-looking.

-Oh. -I was not expecting that.

This is a bit weird 'cause I really like her,

but I think she might like you.

Right, Will. If you think she fancies me

then I should probably go for it.

Perhaps, except I'm saying that I like her.

I should go for it, though.

Any thoughts on the "me liking her" part?

Um...

No, sure, good point.

But she is fit, so you can see my problem.

-Not really. -But you know how it is.

How? How is it?

You know.

Why don't we just see what happens later back in the dorm?

She might not be interested in us.

I suppose that's true. Let's just wait and see.

And no hard feelings if she goes with me?

Oh, I'm not worried about that.

All right? Found that nympho yet?

-Not yet. -Surprisingly.

-Where have you been, Neil? -Me and Kennedy went swimming.

-Sorry? -Swimming?

-Yeah. -Just the two of you?

-Yeah. -Pedo Kennedy

took you skinny-dipping?

No. He gave me a spare pair of trunks.

-What, Speedo's? -They were, actually.

[laughs]

I'm beginning to see what he gets

out of this arrangement, Neil,

but what's in it for you?

This.

-He got me it from the offy. -Nice!

-Cool. -Shit!

Now here comes some carnage.

He said don't tell Gilbert though.

Don't tell him about the swimming

or the planned sexual assault when you're drunk?

-Both. -[Jay] This is brilliant!

We can all get well pissed.

Although, technically it does mean

we're now pimping Neil out.

-I'm cool with that. -Me too.

[knock at door]

-Shit! -Hide it!

Simon, Will, it's Lauren. Are you guys in there?

All right?

Hey. There's a load of noise down the hall.

Sounds like a party. Do you fancy it?

[in Yoda voice] Party, hmm? Cool, that sounds!

You know, you're never, ever going to get laid.

[Will] Jay was wrong.

Statistically, there was a good chance

I would get laid, eventually.

So, we had the booze and the girls. Well, a girl.

Now all we needed

to get this party started was a party.

[laughter inside room]

-What? -We're here for the party.

It's that posh little prick.

Ask him if he's got any pictures of his mum.

He's got a bottle of vodka.

Here they are, team twat.

-What's that you brought for me? -Well, it's Neil's vodka.

We thought we could maybe come in and join the party.

Thank you, wankers.

Well, that went well.

Um, so I reckon the party's probably over for us, then?

We could do something else. Pool?

Table tennis? I think I saw the board game Risk downstairs.

[Jay] Fuck that for a laugh.

I'm gonna go find that yummy mummy

who wants me to spunk on her tummy.

-A rapey rhyme. How lovely. -Here, come on. Let's bunk it.

Um, I think I'm gonna call it a night, guys.

Maybe see you at breakfast?

Do you wanna walk me back to my dorm?

-My pleasure. -Oh, I meant Simon.

Uh, yeah, okay.

Great, we'll both walk you back, then.

I'll see you tomorrow, then, Will.

Definitely. See you tomorrow.

Simon, can I speak to you before you head back?

Yeah, course.

Good night then, Will.

Oh, no, it's okay. I'll wait for Si.

You can say anything you want in front of me, we're mates.

Okay.

Simon, do you fancy hanging out tomorrow maybe,

in the free time, just the two of us?

Bit rude.

Yeah. That'd be good. I'd love to do that.

Cool. Meet by the harbor after lunch?

By the sea?

That's where they tend to position them, Si.

Easier for the boats.

-Good night then, Will. -Yeah, whatever.

-Good night, Simon. -Yeah, good night.

Come on then, Si, let's get going.

It's been so nice meeting you, Simon.

I know. I mean, I feel the same.

[exaggerated yawn]

Getting late now, Si.

Off we go.

Si?

Come on now, mate.

Right.

See you back at the dorm, then.

I'll leave a knife right by my bed.

Just pop it in my back later, mate.

Right between the shoulder blades.

Night then, Lauren.

[Will] So Simon got a hug. A hug, not sex.

But the way he went on about it,

you'd think she'd sucked his foreskin or something.

Can you believe it? I think she really likes me.

Yeah, I think it's time to get some sleep now, Simon.

-Funny that she... -[door opens]

Hello? It's only me, boys.

Just on my way to bed, thought I'd check how you are.

[exhales loudly]

Swimming's tiring. Are your legs tired?

-I think they're okay. -Yes.

Quick massage before bedtime?

Ah, tired legs.

[moans]

-Come on, John. -Oh...

Rub down, shift the lactic acid--

-Not now, John. -Oh...

Was that a dream or did that just happen?

That was your wet dream.

No. It wasn't.

He rubbed my legs.

That's what you get for leading on pedos, you slut.

-Shouldn't we report him? -He did get us that vodka.

-That's called "grooming," Neil. -Is it?

-Yes. -Oh! Good night.

[Will] Neil didn't seem too emotionally scarred

by the night's events, unlike me.

You are all right with me seeing Lauren later?

-Yeah. Of course. -She's pretty cool actually.

Is she? Fuck off, you beady-eyed little shits!

[seagulls screech]

Um, are you sure you're all right with it?

-Hi, Simon. -Hello.

Haven't seen you at all this trip.

Where've you been?

Um, just here.

What are you doing this afternoon?

Nothing.

-Is that correct? -Yes.

I'm sure you've got something on this afternoon.

Don't think so.

'Cause it's a free time later,

and as we haven't hung out in ages,

I thought, why don't I see what Simon's doing?

-Did you? -Yeah.

That's a real shame, Carli,

'cause Simon's hanging out with, is it Lauren, this afternoon?

Oh, right, is that the new girl? I saw you talking to her.

-Did you? -Yeah.

So, Simon can't come 'cause he's got a date.

Are you going on a date with her, Simon?

No, not a date. Just hanging.

Sorry, Simon. I didn't realize it was a date, then.

No, listen to me, it's not a date.

It can't be a date because anyone's welcome.

Me, you, Lauren, who may or may not be coming.

She's definitely coming.

I don't care either way if she does.

Carli, it would be great to hang out with you this afternoon.

See you down the front at three?

See you later, then.

Well, thanks for nearly fucking that up for me, mate.

I just don't want things to get confusing.

You can't meet up with both of them, can you?

Shit. I don't know. I can't cancel Lauren, can I?

Look, Carli means something to you.

You should go out with her. I'll sort Lauren out.

Yeah. That's the right thing to do, isn't it?

Will you talk to Lauren, then?

'Course. I'll let her down gently for you, mate.

He's going out with somebody else

and he couldn't tell you to your face.

He's a twat.

So, I said I'd do it

because I think you deserve an explanation.

Oh.

Okay. That's a shame. Thanks, Will.

Look, I've hired a boat this afternoon.

Why don't you come out on it with me?

-I'm not sure. -Oh, go on! Please?

All right, then.

Great. They hire the boats out by the quay.

If you see Simon, best not to mention I said he was a twat.

See you later, then.

[Will] Meanwhile, Jay was still on the hunt

for his sex-starved ice-cream lady.

I don't know. She looks too old.

We've been here two days

and she's the first bird we've seen hanging out here.

She looks like she's only got one leg.

She's probably just got an old face.

Must be 'cause of all the jizz she's had on it.

I bet her body's still pretty fit.

Thought I'd find you here.

-How's the sex search going? -Jay thinks it's her.

Ha!

You must be joking. She's ancient.

Nah, if she put on a bit of fake tan

and slipped into some sexy undies,

I'd definitely give it a go.

It must be her. I've given everyone else the eye.

She's like, she could give you her actual eye.

[chuckles]

This is it. It's now or never.

Get us a 99, Jay.

-What can I get you? -Cornetto, please.

One Cornetto. Is that all?

-Do you want to lick it? -Sorry?

My Cornetto. Do you want to lick it?

[laughs] That is kind.

I've had enough ice cream today though, sweetheart.

Oh, right. Bit late, am I?

Do you want something else?

Are you the woman who sucks schoolboys off?

-Sorry? -Can you suck me off?

[Will] So it looked like Jay's search

for a nympho had hit a brick wall.

-So it's not her, then? -No.

A very old and confused brick wall.

Yes, a date with Carli.

You have no idea how long I've waited for this.

We have. You never shut up about her.

Oh, my God. What does he look like?

Ay-yi, Permission to come aboard, Captain Cock-wash.

Permission denied. I'm leaving in a minute.

You're going to go on a boat on your own?

That's tragic.

I'm not going on my own actually.

-Who you going with, then? -Lauren.

What? After you told me to not see her?

I didn't say that.

You said I should choose Carli instead.

Only because she's the one you want to be with.

Yeah. And you wanna be with Lauren, so you scared me off.

No, not at all.

I dunno, I think that's a bit dodgy, mate.

-Let's have a go, then. -Nope.

-Yeah, come on. Don't be a dick. -No.

Go on, I love boats. I used to go fishing with my dad.

-Fisting? -Fishing.

Oh, come on, Will, just take us up

to the sea, as you stitched me up.

No, she's gonna be here in 15 minutes.

Oh, I get it. He's scared.

I'm not, actually,

and that incredibly childish attempt

at reverse-psychology will not work.

[Will] All right, so it did work,

and it was quite good fun, actually.

Even the locals seemed pleased to see us.

A-hoy-hoy!

For about ten seconds, anyway.

Brilliant.

Well, that was great. Let's head back, then.

What?

You said we could go out to the sea.

Well, we can't.

And put your life jacket on, the sea can be a cruel mistress.

Oh, what's this? Is this the sail?

It's a fishing line. Give it here.

-Neil, do not throw... -What happens now?

Nothing. You gotta put bait on it.

Please don't muck around.

There's a £150 deposit on this boat.

Oh, cool, the sea. Let's get out there.

-[boys jeering] -Fuck, no, don't. No, don't!

What are you doing?

You are rocking the boat. I knew this would happen,

I'm turning us round and taking us back.

[engine revving]

-Oh, fuck. -Oh, God.

Oh, no. Sorry, Simon!

-Holy fucking shit, that's cold. -[Will] Get him out, Neil.

Why did you do that? Was it because of Lauren?

No! God, no. It was an accident.

You total bellend.

[pants]

-I thought we were friends. -I'm sorry.

Shit, we'd better head straight back in.

Enjoy your swim?

What? I'm really cold.

Like to my bones.

He's going to get hypothermia unless

we get him out of those wet clothes. Neil, undress him.

-[Jay] I knew it. -What?

You've been waiting for this. I knew you were bent for him.

It's basic first aid. I was in the Scouts and we did this.

Yeah, that's not all you did in the Scouts.

No, you're right, we did knots, too.

I'm cold. Could someone get me some hair gel?

Oh, don't take his pants off, Neil, you're not your dad.

He has to, it's the safest way. Put that coat round him, Neil,

-I'll get the engine started. -Don't worry, I'll cover him up.

Oh, fuck, why won't this start? Jay, get that line in.

All right, all right. Don't shit yourself.

How has this happened?

I think it's caught on something.

It must be caught round the engine.

Can I huddle up to someone?

I'm really cold. Is anyone else really cold? Like, really cold?

[exclaims]

-Jesus Christ! -[Neil] Oh, my.

-How the hell has that happened? -It didn't have any bait on it.

-Get it out. -It's all right.

It's just a fish.

It's a fucking terrifying massive fish, Neil.

Get rid of it!

-Oh, God, it's shit itself. -It's all right.

Fuck that, we're in serious trouble here.

-[Will] What? -[Neil] Oh, what?

[Will] That's only for emergencies, for emergencies!

-Oh, brilliant. -Oh, my gosh.

That looks warm.

-Why the fuck did you do that? -Get the sea police out.

And say what, "Help, we've caught a fish"?

And we're already in the harbor,

what they gonna do? Tow us four feet closer to the shore?

-What if it's a shark? -It's not a shark!

-Get it out, Neil! -I'd better kill it.

It's the kindest thing to do.

It won't survive back in the sea now.

Well, that was a much more dignified end for him.

You just punched a fish to death.

Now we can take it back and eat it.

I'm not eating that. It's come out of the fucking sea.

[Simon] I'm cold. Mummy, can you get the potty?

[Will] Stay with us, Simon, we'll get you help.

Oh, fuck! Fuck it!

Are you okay, Will?

Fine, thanks. Be back for you in a minute.

-You know you sent a flare up? -Yup!

Thanks, Lauren, won't be a minute.

Is that a fish?

Yes, Lauren, it's a fucking fish!

Give me a minute!

Are we going to have to swim back?

It's very cold in there.

We'll just row back.

On holidays in Spain one year,

me and my mate took a pedalo out, we went to Africa.

Do you think you could spare us the bullshit for one minute

while I try to figure out how not to die at sea?

Oh, Carli's there. Look.

Hi, Carli!

[students jeering]

[Jay] Oh, Neil, you put a sock on it.

Is it a bit drafty?

He's in trouble.

We have to huddle round him till the lifeboat gets here,

and then we have to explain we called them away from their jobs

because we caught a fish.

-[Neil] Come here, mate. -[Jay] I can see his helmet.

[Simon] If anything, I'm colder than before.

[Will] Well, huddle in closer, then.

No one better find out about this.

What? Apart from everyone over there?

[laughter]

Now we just wait for the sea police.

I'm worried this might look a bit weird.

No, it's totally fine.

We just all went out for a boat ride about 20 minutes ago,

now we've been dragged back to shore,

the boat's covered in fish brains

and you're naked.

And Carli and Lauren are gonna

think this is pretty cool, right?

Oh, yeah. Pretty cool.

[Will] The definition of a field trip

is an educational journey

allowing students to observe events

outside their usual experience.

And so, in that sense,

Swanage was a complete success.

We observed my brilliant Star Wars impression...

[in Yoda voice] "Feisty one, you are!"

Jay getting slapped,

Neil punching a fish and Simon's penis in a sock.

And after all that observation,

we have learned one thing.

Turns out Mr. Kennedy is a pedophile.

-Sir, I didn't even get wet. -John!

But some good came of it.

Lauren had to move away shortly afterwards

and Simon never saw her again.