Original subtitles

[ whistling sprightly tune ]

Starring andy griffith...

With ronny howard...

Also starring don knotts.

Why floyd always Has to get

That little bit of Hair down your back.

Can you reach Down in there

And see if you can Get some of that Out of there?

Yeah. Sure, pa.

Scratch a little while You're down there.

Pa, can I ask you A question?

Yeah.

You said to floyd, "Floyd, I want a haircut

But I don't want it To look like a haircut."

That's right.

Why?

Well, son, that has To do with vanity.

Aunt bee's dressing table?

No. It's the same word, But the meaning is different.

It means you're Concerned

With the overall Looks of yourself.

I'm going to the big annual Chamber of commerce dance Saturday night.

I needed a haircut

But I didn't want it to look Like I just got one.

Why, pa?

Well, in my work, I'm outdoors a lot

And I get brown from the sun.

Now, the skin underneath The hair don't get brown.

It's in the shade. That's right.

And if floyd cuts it too close, That white skin shows a line

Between my hair And where I'm brown

And it looks like I'm wearing a wig.

And that's a vanity?

For now, I'd say, yeah.

Can you give me A ride home?

Oh, I can't, son.

Barney's got The squad car

And he's off on A very important mission.

[ doorbell buzzes ]

Ice cream delivery

From murphy's house Of the nine flavors.

Barney, you made A special trip.

I told you to Pick up ice cream

If you happened to Be coming this way.

Well, crime was at A standstill.

I had a little time On my hands.

You're very sweet.

I'm also a public servant And you're a very cute public.

Come on in, barney.

What flavor did you get?

West indian licorice Mocha delight.

That was, uh, 40 cents.

I think I have A 50-cent piece here.

You have a dime?

A good delivery boy Always carries change.

There you are.

You better put that

In the icebox before It starts to drip.

I will.

[ telephone rings ]

Get that, will you, barney?

Tell them I'll be right there.

Okay.

[ ringing continues ]

Hello. Yes, she is.

Just a minute.

It's for you, thelma lou.

Thanks.

Hello.

Mary grace?

Where are you?

What?! Oh, you're not.

Of course.

Oh, what a thrill.

Yes. Yes, I'll be here all day.

Oh, wait, wait.

Don't put another coin in.

I'll see you at 4:00.

My cousin mary grace Is in mt. Pilot.

Oh, yeah?

She's on her way To raleigh

And she's going to stay here For three or four days.

Great.

[ gasps ]

Oh, barney...

What's the matter?

The chamber of commerce dance Saturday night.

Well, what about it?

I can't go with you

And leave mary grace Here all alone.

We'll have to Get her a date Or I can't go.

Wait a minute.

Didn't I meet her once About three years ago?

Mm-hmm.

She came through With her folks.

Now I remember.

Oh, brother.

She's a dog!

Barney fife, How can you be so cruel?

I'm not being cruel, I'm being honest.

Thelma lou, I can't get a date for her.

All right. Then I don't go to the dance.

Wait a minute. This is The biggest dance of the year.

We wait all year for it.

You gotta go.

Only if you get a date For mary grace.

What about andy?

Oh, come on.

You can at least ask him.

I'm not gonna stick andy With some...

If you call her a dog again, I'll never speak to you.

I wasn't gonna Call her anything!

Well, ask him.

I just can't Do that to andy.

Well, get yourself Another date then!

Well, you know He'll say no.

I don't think so. You know why?

Because andy is sweet...

And kind and reasonable And-and understanding.

No!

Now, wait a minute.

Don't say no Till you hear me out.

Barney, I Keep trying...

All right. I know.

She's a dog, right?

That's got nothing To do with it.

I'm taking helen crump.

I asked her more Than two weeks ago.

I should've known.

All year long I wait for this dance

And then at The la minute...

[ blows raspberry ]

Well, don't give Up so easy.

I'm the only one You asked so far.

What about some of the Other bachelors in town?

What about nate bushy?

Oh, no. He'll be taking His mother again.

He always does.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

Luke taft.

Luke taft?

Black and white two-toned shoes, Perforated tops, wing-tips,

White shoelaces.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Why?

He hits the sauce.

He what?

[ mock chugging ]

No kiddin'.

I didn't know that.

Years.

I'll be dogged.

Hey, maybe he'd Be just the one

To bring her Out of herself.

No.

No, no, no.

No, no. We got to get some guy That's not been around too much.

You know, really nay-eve.

Some guy with Not too much upstairs.

Yeah.

In other words, A real dope.

Gomer: Hey, andy, Hey, barney.

Hey, gome.

Hey, gome.

I lubed the squad car,

Greased your Transmission, Your differential.

Give her a Good wash, too.

Not the transmission And differential.

That don't get washed.

That just gets greased.

Gomer?

Have you given Much thought

To the chamber of Commerce dance Saturday night?

No. Can't say that I have.

Well, how would you like To come along with us

In the company Of a young lady?

[ both chuckling ]

Well...

We've got One for you.

Just dying To go to the dance

But don't know Anybody here.

A stranger in town. That's right.

Well, I don't know.

What's she like?

As nic a girl as You'll ever meet.

Nice. Nice girl.

Purty?

Nice.

Yeah, and she's So sweet and kind; As smart as a whip.

Barney: Oh, she's smart.

Is she purty?

She's so nice.

Well, what does she look like?

Oh, well, uh...

You know barney's Girl thelma lou?

Oh, sure.

Barney: Do we have To say more?

What do you mean?

She's thelma lou's Cousin.

Oh.

Andy: And she's so nice.

Well...

We'll have a lot Of fun, gomer.

What do you say, gome?

Okay.

That a boy.

Well, thank you All for asking me.

Oh, don't mention it.

Forget it.

I guess I best be Gettin' back to work.

Okay.

See you saturday. Saturday.

And you say she's...

Nice.

Nice.

What's the matter With gomer pyle?

Oh, he's...

It just isn't right, Barney?

Are you kidding? He's 6 feet tall.

Look, nobody expects them To get married.

It's just a date For one evening.

It just hurts me To find out

What you think Of mary grace.

She's a wonderful girl, Barney.

She's sweet And kind, nice.

Well, so's gomer.

You don't really know him, Thelma lou.

If you ever Took the trouble

To get underneath all that Oil and gasoline smell,

You'd find a heck Of a human being.

Oh, I don't know.

Look, we're all Gonna be together.

And you know how much fun Me and andy are.

Will you and andy dance

At least one dance each With mary grace?

Well...

That means you'll have to Dance with gomer.

Well...

At least talk to her Once in a while?

Sure.

Oh, please do come with us, Mary grace.

You'll have A wonderful time.

Well, I don't know.

But you'll be With gomer pyle.

He'll dance Every dance with you.

Don't you see?

Please come, Mary grace.

What's this, uh...

Gomer pyle like?

Well, he's tall...

And he's quiet.

But I quiet.

If we're both quiet, What are we gonna talk about?

Well, you can Dance some more.

Well, I don't know.

[ chuckling ] Wh-what does he, uh, look like?

Well, he's tall...

And...?

And dark.

Handsome?

He's nice, very nice.

The important thing is, You'll be with us.

Oh, say you'll go, Mary grace.

You'll have A wonderful time.

Freddie fleet And his band with the beat

Will be there, and they'll have Japanese lanterns

And a buffet supper

And a door prize.

And I'll be with you?

With all of us.

All right. I'll go.

Oh, good.

Tall...Dark...

And a door prize. And a door prize.

Great...

Oh, great. We'll have A wonderful time.

Okay. I'll see You later.

It's all set, and.

Mary grace comin' With gomer?

Yep.

* it's dance time In mayberry tonight *

Yeah.

* oom-pah-pah

* freddie fleet and his band With the beat... *

[ humming ]

* pah

Hey. That's good.

Yeah, well...

[ humming ]

You got a lot of rhythm For a deputy.

How'd you do that?

[ humming ]

Well, that's not Quite it.

You got to have The rhythm.

Well, some folks got it And some ain't, huh?

That's right.

Some got it And some ain't.

Some ain't.

[ chuckling ]

[ humming ]

[ both chuckling ]

Hey, andy.

Oh, hey, gomer.

Hey, barney. Hey, gomer.

Well, I'm all set. I went on a buying spree

And bought myself A whole new set of accessories.

Accessories?

You know-- matchin' things.

I bought a necktie And some socks--

You know, the kind with Elastic 'round the top--

And a belt

And some shoes And everything.

Oh...Yellow socks?

You don't think They're too porous, do you?

What do you mean?

I'd hate for the hair

On my legs to pop through.

Oh, no, they'll be fine, gomer.

Yellow socks...

A brown belt with A horseshoe buckle on it...

Imitation Mother-of-pearl.

Look at that.

You say you got A necktie?

Mm-hmm.

[ whistling ] Wow...

A purple tie with acorns on it

And look at The shoes here.

[ whistling ] Looky there.

A brass buckle On the side.

Eight dollars.

Eight dollars?

Boy, you sure did Spend some money, gomer.

Oh, it's worth it.

This mary grace Could be "Miss right."

Oh, boy.

Uh...

Gomer...

Could, uh...

Could I give you some advice?

Don't, uh...

Don't over-expect.

What do you mean?

Well...

What andy's tryin' To say, gomer, is

During our lifetime, We travel many roads.

There are big roads And little roads

And rocky roads

And smooth roads

Dirt highways And improved roads.

Now, let's take you

And that new outfit You got yourself there.

I'm going down a road...

No, no, I didn't Mean that.

What I meant was...

Can I put it another way?

I almost had it.

This is better.

It's about mary grace, gomer.

She too pretty for me?

Uh, no. She's nice.

But she's nice.

You don't have to worry About me gettin' fresh...

That ain't what Andy meant.

That's not what I meant At all, gomer.

Well, I'm tryin' To follow you.

During our lifetime, We travel many roads...

Gomer, do me a favor.

Just, uh...

Just don't over-expect.

Okay?

It'll only take A minute.

Aunt bee, My britches look fine.

No nephew of mine's going to A dance with wrinkled knees.

Look. Will you look at these?

They're fine.

They do look Pretty baggy.

Now, you see?

Well, I reckon A little fella like you

Sees knees better Than most people.

I'll go and press them In one minute.

All right.

Gomer, you mind If I make a suggestion?

About going down Some roads again?

No, no, no. It's about your hair.

You got it plastered down Too much.

Barney's right, gomer.

You've lost the naturalness Of your contour.

Just get some kind of a wave Or something.

See if you can make a little Rabbit ridge up in the front.

No, no, no, no.

Push from the back To the front.

You've seen Ralph bellamy.

No. Sit down, gomer.

Well, I'm too dang nervous.

Hold still, now.

Is this the first time

You've been out With a girl, gomer?

Do cousins count?

Opie: I don't think so.

Then it's The first time.

You'll do fine.

I hope so.

Now, let's see.

Yeah, well...

Yeah.

Aunt bee, how you comin' With my britches?

In a minute.

Hurry. We ought to be leavin' Right now.

The girls are probably waitin' For us.

Gosh, what'll we Talk about?

A million things'll Pop into your mind.

You'll see.

Name one.

It's easy for you, Barney.

You're so swave And worldly...

You've been out with waitresses And even a registered nurse

And you've been All over the state

And you know just about Everything there is to know.

I'll be right in there With you, daddy,

In case the evening Starts to lag, huh?

Here we are.

Oh, thank you.

Have to hurry.

Ow.

What's wrong, pa?

These britches Are hot.

They're burnin' My knees.

You'll cool off In a minute.

Give me some kinda Sentence to say.

Will you stop Worryin' about it?

Mary grace is a very bright, Well-educated girl.

She'll do the talkin'.

All you got to do is be A good listener.

You say she's...

Nice. Ain't she Nice, barn?

Real nice.

Very nice.

She's the nicest girl.

Bye, pa.

Bye.

Bye, ope.

Have a nice time.

Hi, there.

Hello. Good evening.

Sorry we're late.

Oh, thel, you are A ravishin' sight

For these tired Old eyes.

Oh...

You look Lovely, helen.

Andy, you look Awful nice.

Andy's got Hot knees.

Barney. You're all mouth Tonight, ain't you?

Aunt bee pressed My britches

Before I left home.

[ both laugh ]

Come on in Here, gomer.

Y'all know gomer.

Yes. Hello, Gomer.

Good evening, Gomer.

Hey, thelma lou. Hey, miss crump.

Sit down, boys.

Okay.

Nice dress.

You sit right Here on the sofa.

Mary grace'll be In in a minute.

Mary grace.

Mary grace, The boys are here.

Andy, barney, You know mary grace.

Hello, andy.

Nice to see you Again, mary grace.

Barney.

Mary grace.

This is Gomer pyle.

Gomer, this Is my cousin

Mary grace Gossage.

How do you do?

Hey, mary grace.

You go sit right There by gomer.

Come right on in here, Mary grace.

Sit right down there And take a load off your feet.

[ all chuckling ]

Say...

The weatherman sure Was good to us

This evenin', Wasn't he?

[ all agreeing ]

You couldn't have gotten A better evening

If you put an order in for it.

I should say so.

It's lovely out.

It's a great Evening.

It really is.

Well, it's perfect, Is what it is.

Andy: It I perfect.

Just perfect.

Oh, say...

You'll get a kick Out of this.

I was over at norman's Groceteria this morning.

Well, this big collie dog Come walkin' in

And he had just been Shaved for the summer.

Oh.

Well, the dog walked Right up to miss pierce

Behind the counter...

[ all chuckling ]

Well, al becker happened To be standin' there

Right at that minute...

Y'all know al becker.

Oh, I don't.

I don't know him, either.

Well, I know You know him.

Al becker...

No, I can't say I do

But that ain't important, and. You go right ahead.

No. It don't mean anything If you don't know him.

Al becker...

Nah...I can't place him.

Would you folks excuse me?

There's somethin' I gotta do.

Well.

Thelma lou, do you Have any aspirin?

I've had this terrible Headache all day.

I-I think I ought To go to bed.

You all go to the dance Without me.

No!

No, please, I...

We're not going Without you.

If you don't go

We're gonna stay Here and keep You company.

You've been planning This dance all year.

I don't want you to ruin your Evening on account of me.

We'll stay here.

Honestly, I'd much Rather be alone.

Andy, you make them go.

[ clears throat ] Well, it...

It seems like the Logical thing to do.

Mary grace don't feel Like goin' with us.

No sense in us forcin' Our company on her.

But tomorrow evenin', Mary grace,

You and helen and I

Will have a nice supper And take in a movie.

Oh, you're Very sweet.

Well, uh... I guess we better go.

Andy: Yeah.

Well...H-have A good time.

Well...

That was the rudest thing I've ever seen in my life.

How could gomer do A thing like that?

I told you not To bring gomer.

Well, maybe he had Someplace to go.

Oh, sure.

Wait, wait, wait, Wait a minute.

If we're gonna fight

Let's do it in The car on the Way to the dance.

Helen...

Well...

You sure know how to plan An evening, don't you, fella?

Come on, now, helen. None of that.

You get up front With andy.

Don't, helen.

Come on, helen.

Maybe I'd Better.

Come on, thelma lou.

Come on, thelma lou.

Let's have A little fun.

All set?

[ sound of a punch ]

You all right, barn?

It's all right. Just drive.

[ engine turns over ]

[ knock on door ]

Oh.

Did the others leave? I don't see the car.

Yes. They went To the dance.

I'm sorry it took so long

But I had to go To a couple places

To find somethin' with A little bit of pink in it.

I-I don't understand.

Your flowers.

Your core-saige.

When I come in, I noticed The other girls had one

And you didn't.

And that's why you left?

It wouldn't be right For you, mary grace,

To go to the dance Unadorned.

Here.

Oh.

Come in, won't you?

[ gasping ] Oh, gomer...

They're beautiful.

I'm sorry I Missed the others.

I don't know how we Can get to the dance.

You see, I don't Have a car

And it's a good Three miles from here.

I don't really care About going, if you don't.

For heck's sake, I'd just as soon

Stay here with you, For that matter.

Really?

Really.

There we go.

Come on, thelma lou.

No, thank you.

You mean you don't even Want to go in?

Thelma lou...

We've gotten All dressed up and everything

And we've come this far.

We can at least go in And have a couple of dances.

I'd rather not.

I have a headache.

You two go on in, If you want to.

I-I'd better stay With thelma lou.

Well, how you feel?

You wanna let's Me and you go?

I'm not gonna stand In no stag line

With old mr. Perkins

And a bunch of Slumped-over Teenage boys.

Well, let's just Go home then.

It's been A wonderful evening.

That's right-- home.

A man spends money gettin' His suit spotted and pressed,

Takes two hours polishin' His hat, and for what?

Heartaches.

[ engine turns over ]

[ big band music Playing faintly ]

[ music gets louder ]

[ music blasting ]

Hey, folks.

You back already?

Excuse me, mary grace.

You know somethin'?

She's just like you said:

She's nice.

She's real nice.

[ chuckling ]

Well, anyways, I was down on this one knee,

Lookin' into this hollow log At this muskrat.

And skinny griffin Was with me.

And he was as excited as A canary bird with a new baby.

And he kept hollering at me, "That muskrat's gonna bite you.

That muskrat's Gonna bite you."

You know how he talks.

Well, anyway, I stuck this stuck in there

And started prodding around, Trying to stir him out.

Well, he weren't About to move.

Instead he just kept nibbling At that stick.

Shoot, it's just like Dessert to him.

[ laughter ]

This other time,

Me and old skinny griffin Went bird hunting.

Well, he took his best bird dog With him.

Never know a fella To have more trouble

Trying to think Of something to say.

Skinny got down there On the ground

And was trying to show that dog How to point.

[ laughter ]

Well, he was...

[ whistling sprightly tune ]