All language subtitles for S03E04 - Cheering Up Gordon.eng

SNORING

ALARM RINGS

Hmm! Answer the phone, Foggy.

In the jungle, I could have crept
up on you and cut your throat!

Wake up!
It's a beautiful day outside!

It's not unpleasant in here.

Agh! Don't-don't pull it.
Don't pull that lever! What lever?

Why is that sheet round your neck?

Have they gone? Who? Them Chinese!
Unless they're on the fire escape
with your ferrets, yes.

The last thing I remember,
they were trying
to put this noose round me neck.

Pretty unusual for ferrets.

Look at the state of your bed.
It looks like Liberace's
shirt front.

I'll never go to
that Chinese chippie again!

I warned you no good would come of
gorging yourself on bamboo shoots.

Bamboo is for sharpening
and sticking up
your enemy's fingernails!

I've come to Scarborough
to try and enjoy meself.

Come along, my lovelies. Oh, no!

Not in here.
They smell to high... Not on my bed!

I've got to give them
their breakfast.
What's the matter with you?

Come along, my little lovelies,
here we are. Sweet and sour
and mushy peas.

Get out! Go on, get out!
I've got to give them
their breakfast, you daft...

Don't worry, I know what will
clear your tubes for you

and set you back on your feet
with every nerve tingling!

A swim before breakfast.

I'll go by myself, then.

Hey up, this should be good.
We'll come and watch. You have
a real flair for stupidity.

No wonder we used to have an Empire.

We used to have an Hippodrome
an' all.

I was talking about
the British Empire. Oh.

No wonder at all when we can breed
fearless idiots like Foggy here

who will go to any lengths
to impress the natives. I don't
know why you're making all the fuss.

In any regime of physical fitness
a dip in the early morning
is routine.

In the North Sea? Other people
swim in the North Sea.
Only if they fall off a boat.

It might turn your popsicles blue.

What are you talking about,
popsicles?

Sounds like a frozen lolly.
He'll BE like a frozen lolly.

Yes, well, my Uncle Fortnum
used to swim in one of
the coldest rivers in North America.

It must have cost him a bit
in bus fares.

He lived there among
the moose and caribou. The what?

Very tall ferrets.

Yes, what'll we do
about your ferrets?

Feed 'em, water 'em and give 'em
exercise. I'm not exercising them!

Don't get stroppy or you'll end up
showing the wrong side to folk.

Just keep that towel up
and eyes to the front. ..And you.

Bringing ferrets into a respectable
boarding house(!) I couldn't leave
them to starve, so shut up!

Get your eyes to the front.

Oooh! Who are you kidding anyway,
all this getting undressed?

I bet he doesn't go out any deeper
than his ankle. The water holds
no terrors for the Anglo Saxon.

No, there's Viking blood in
these veins. Notice the blond hair.

My ancestors could go a thousand
miles in an open boat wearing
little more than some carpet.

Your Harold used to dress like that.
All the time.

They probably landed on this
exact spot where we're standing

and then rushed off to do
their looting and raping.

It sounds like your Harold.
..No, he had to pack it all in
since he's hurt his back.

Lifting something heavy
like a security grill?

It's quite obvious that you're
looking forward to this swim.

You're coming out in tiny
goose pimples of pure happiness.

We'll put a stop to that by quickly
sprinting into the sea.
Don't, Foggy.

It's just that initial shock
and then a marvellous feeling
of well-being.

Oh-ho-oh!

Trouble is
some folk won't listen.

I suppose he's had the sudden shock
he was on about, so this must be
that feeling of well-being.

Marvellous! You should come in.

My, he HAS enjoyed it.

He's feeling better now.

You could have heard his teeth
rattling on the way home. It were
like a spin dryer full of marbles.

Very invigorating. WHAT?

We had to massage tha' leg before
tha' could walk. Touch of cramp.

It was very pleasant out there,
all them summer greens and blues
and that was just his left leg.

What are we going to do today?
I'm going fishing.
He only goes seven days a week(!)

This is sea fishing.
Come with us.

What about thee, Nora? Shall
we steal away, just thee and me?

Are you going to sit there
while he insults me?

No, I thought I'd have a look
at the lifeboat.

Just while he insults you.
What?

They fascinate me, they lifeboats.
I want to go to the zoo
and Marineland.

What are you going to do, Wally?
I thought I'd go and have a look
at the zoo and Marineland.

It fascinates me,
the zoo and Marineland.

Where are you taking me?
It's a surprise
till you tell me.

Where are you taking us, O Great
White Leader? O Great White Leader?

Hey up! He's having a little think.
O Great White Leadie-Leadie-Leader?

What day is it? We only got here
Saturday so this must be Sunday.

Yes, Sunday. The day set aside
for worship. Church parade.

Church?! Look whose hand
is trembling now.

On holiday, the last person
you expect to see is the Lord.

I suppose because he doesn't
advertise as much as Max Jaffa.

Anyway, there's an excuse for going
when you're at home. Nowt is open.

What's up with you, love?
Off your food?
He's thinking about religion.

Oh, heck.

Why did you tell her that?
She'll think I'm weird.

Why should anyone think
you're weird? I'm sure everybody
brings his ferrets on holiday.

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all

# Each little flower that opens #
Aaaagh!

I am terribly sorry but you cannot
bring your ferrets into my church.

They've been baptised.
I don't care if they've been
ordained. Out! Out! Out!

Don't panic! I've got them
stuffed up my jumper.
They won't get away again.

Listen, I'm off fishing. I'll pick
you up later, after I've given
these two frisky devils a gallop.

Come on, now, Foggy and me
aren't really frisky devils.

'I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.'

Don't say that, Foggy.
You've still got
nearly a whole day to go.

Does tha' reckon this thing's safe?

It's not the north face
of the Eiger we're descending.
Of course it's safe.

Then what are you
clutching me arm for?

Hey! He thinks
he's a U-boat commander.

Foggy von Dewhurst,
I like it.

I'll sink him without trace if he
fetches those furry hooligans out.

They need exercise.
That's not what the vicar thought!

He had no need to swipe them. Very
Christian(!) Couldn't have been
nastier if he'd been an atheist.

You'll be sorted out
on the Day of Judgement.

The National Assistance will be
asking one or two nasty questions!

I just needed something suitable.

How many vacancies are there
for poacher to Raquel Welch?

I told them what I wanted to be.
What? A big game hunter. Filling
in the forms didn't get me anywhere.

Typical! Ready to go
big game hunting as long
as it's round Huddersfield.

There are quite a few native
settlements these days
on the banks of the Calder.

Love to go on safari
if the council provides a free bus
and you're back for bingo!

Hey! Do you want a lick?

You know what he's looking at
through them glasses? That old lass
over there showing her garters.

I'm trying to identify that shape.
I know! The old lass
showing her garters!

It happens to be Gordon
who is gazing very forlornly
into the sea.

I think that lad wants cheering up.

They say our ancestors
came out of the sea.

Yet I have the strange feeling
that my grandad came from Wakefield.

And granny would never
have married him if he'd been wet.

She was that sort of a woman.
Everything had to be respectable.

There was this unspoken assumption
that nice people had no legs.

Did they have fags what they handed
round to people that couldn't reach

because their sleeves
were too long?

You rotten lot.

WHISTLE
Come on, boys and girls,
give Flipper a hand.

What are you doing
with a face like that?
It's the only one I've got.

You can alter it.
It doesn't have to look like
a crepe hanger's map.

- You're not going to a funeral.
- With my luck, I never will be.

You talk yourself
into being miserable.
No, I don't.

I just have to listen.

Get off!
What must people think?
You're on holiday.

If you'd come alone
then I'd have been on holiday.

Remember that smashing fortnight
when you went to nurse your mother?

That's much better.
That's how I like to see you.

"I love you, Dominique, he said.

"His eyes, burning like hot coals,
looked deep into her own.

"She gasped at the touch
of his strong but gentle hands.

"In the moonlight she traced
the contours of his face
with her finger.

"The blood raced through her veins.

"His lithe body moved next to hers.

"A thousand magic sensations
shivered through her.

"What must it be like, the joy
of waking in the morning
to find him there?

"There, sleeping by her side.
This was her man.

"She reached for him, gently."

What's up?
Talk to me.

What?
You never talk to me.

Not even when we...
well, you know.

What?

Not even when we make love.

Not much to talk about, is it,
the rate we go at it?

You still do it
as if your mother's watching.

It's you.
You're not thoughtful enough.

I do far more thinking about it
than getting it!

That's YOUR fault.

You should try and...

(You should try and rouse me more.)

You play roasted hell with me
as it is!
Shut up shouting!

That's all you're good at,
barging in with two feet.

It's the same when you get
that look. I always know
when you feel like messing about.

Oh, lovely! That puts it straight
on a high spiritual plane(!)
Where do you put it?

With your smart, sophisticated
romantic approaches?

I get a smack across the backside,
one boozy wink and that's supposed
to throw me senses in a whirl.

Do you remember what you said
when I tried to squeeze you?

Will you keep your voice down?
Not quite but something similar.

I don't think Gordon's
really wild about this.

I don't think Gordon's too wild
about this either(!)

Gordon! Cheer up, Gordon. Gor-don!

Oh, no.

Our Gordon still looks bored.

It's the loneliness. Those of us
who have been called to military
command know all about loneliness.

You said you were a corporal.

If I'd taken a commission
who would have painted
the 10 foot regimental badge?

It was done free-hand
in defiance of every tradition.

I have seen sergeants
fall silent in front of it.
It was my Sistine Chapel.

What Gordon wants is a more active
hobby like day dreaming.

What Gordon wants is the pain
and magic of having a bird.

Isn't it wonderful to think
you can transform your life
by buying a canary?

With the women you've had what
do you know about pain and magic?

Do you mean big Audrey
who used to twist your arm?
Only when she wanted money.

Birds is wild and mysterious.
Oh, a savage canary?

Your birds are certainly wild. I've
heard about that 'orrible thing you
picked up at the Labour Exchange.

Work? No, not work.
Her with the steel toecaps.

Oh, that were Edna.

I shall always remember Edna.

Cover yourself up.

Gordon, your nose is red. If the
cars start to queue up you better
find something green to wave.

Gordon, put your rod down.
We can see it from the window
while we have a cup of tea.

Has tha' caught owt? Three.
I threw 'em straight back again.

I like your Gordon.
Do you get bored fishing?

Bored with fishing?
You're on edge all the time.
Something could happen any minute.

Aye, your cap could blow off.
Or it could rain.

It's man the hunter pitting his wits
against... little silvery
waterproof ferrets

instead of leaving them to their
natural habitat of chips and peas.

They're sometimes very cunning.
Gordon...

has tha' thought about pitting
tha' wits against the female
of the species?

It's not always easy to tell
whether fish are male or female.

He's not talking about fish,
he's talking about ladies in skirts
or in his case, steel-toed boots.

She only wore 'em for work.

Women, Gordon.
Them what scream when they see you
handling your maggots.

Our breadman screams when he sees me
handling me maggots.
Him with the lace cuffs? Aye.

Lace cuffs? On his nylon overall.

Norman, it's a long story.

I suppose they need
effeminate breadmen for people
who like effeminate bread.

Gordon, one of the joys
of coming away on holiday

is that it gives you the chance
to meet interesting people
of the opposite sex.

I never know what to say to women.
They never seem impressed. Husbands
can vouch for that. Sit down!

You teach us how to fish
and we'll teach you
how to chat up the odd bird.

And when he says odd bird
he DOES mean odd bird!

You bring it back over your head
with a gentle sweeping motion.

Sounds similar
to my school of Japanese sword play.

Then give it a quick flick.
Any kendo expert should be at home.

Shut tha' cakehole.
I'm concentrating.

The weight of the rod and cast
sends it snaking out
for hundreds of yards.

I don't know how far I'm going to
throw it. Don't let go the handle
or you'll have to go swimming!

He'll soon pick it up.
It gets exciting.

HORN BLASTS

You're right, Gordon.
It looks exciting.

I hope he sends us a postcard.

I wonder what he's done with my rod.
You keep on
chucking them back anyway.

Hey up, it's the Old Man
From The Sea, himself.

Where have you been?
Down that disco. There's some
lovely bits of stuff down there.

You want to sort yourself out.
I'm comfy here.

You can overcome your shyness
by pure effort of will.
Or getting stonkers.

You need the determination
to drink that, go down that disco...

..and pick up the best crumpet
on the floor. Or even one
still on her feet!

You see, once you've made
your mind up you CAN do it!

..I don't know.

Wrong! You DO know.
You can feel the determination
flowing through thee.

Come on! Ah! That's it.

Go, go, go, Gordon.

Go, go, go, go, Gordon. Go, go.

That's marvellous.

It's just leadership.

I didn't go on the Senior
NCO's course for nothing.
I didn't know you had to pay.

Fancy saving up to be a corporal.

No, I was officer material.

If the war hadn't ended
I'd have had a commission.

Don't blame me for the early peace.
I wasn't fighting all that hard.

Not what Nora Batty said
on VE night.

Come on, drink up, lads, I'll get
another round. My turn I think.

Oh look, there's a chap just like
your Gordon going up the road.
That IS our Gordon.

His determination has faltered.
I should have gone with him.

Very irresistible
that would have been(!)

I could take a bird to the digs.
It's not that kind of digs. I could
pick up a lovely piece of crackling.

What makes you feel
you could attract any female?
Sit down, lads.

Just watch the old master at work.

# I was born under a wand'ring star #

I don't talk much.

I used to be engaged
to a blabbermouth.
I appreciate quietness.

It's your move.
Oh, yeah.

Is he back yet, your Uncle Bill?

I thought he was with you.
He's gone off
in search of romantic interest.

You can say women, Foggy.
It's not a four-letter word.

SINGING
What's that dreadful noise?
This is Josie. She's from back home.

What disgraceful behaviour.
How do you do?
We've just started a game.

I think it must be a ladies' choir
from the local building site.

Look! Look, it's him.
Horrible little man.

Turn 'em out.
Let's have them on the pavement.

Hey, I've...

I've found thee a bird.
This is Josie, Uncle Bill.

We're just playing chess...
Are they with you?
Are you coming?

That's her mate. Yours is all right.

Are we going to stay here
all night?

I had to tell them
that we worked on an oil rig.

On an oil rig?!
What do you mean, "we"?

I got one for each of us, you see.

Let us in
or we'll have the door in!

It's time to feed your ferrets.
Good idea. No!

What will I do with four of them?
The mind boggles!

Don't you want a bit of fun?
I don't want a bit of anything.

Rotten lot.
Come on!
Listen, Gordon...

two apiece could be fun...

We'll show you a good time, darling!

Oh, heck!

That's it!
That's the last time I go out
trying to pick up birds for you two.

Thank heaven for that!

Supposing they'd raped us,
fully clothed.

It doesn't bear thinking about.
Oh, I don't know.

It was a bit of excitement.
Something to remember.

One of the joys of going on holiday
is the chance to meet interesting
people of the opposite sex.

They didn't mean any harm. You can
tackle them but if I were you I'd
tell them it's a very small oil rig.

For lighter fuel.

For lighter fuel.

Subtitles by Hazel Nairn, BBC