All language subtitles for not_dead_yet_s02e06

♪

What? No soap?

Ugh!

C'mon. Oh!

Where are the towels?

Come on!

♪

Ugh!

♪

Ugh! What happened
with all my face wash?

You have toilet paper
on your face.

Yeah, 'cause
my towel's also gone.

And I know it's not you
because you're very particular,

but could you please tell Lexi
to stop using my stuff?

Nope. Can't do it.
Why?

Our relationship
is purely sexual,

and that falls outside
the purview of our dynamic.

But you could
talk to her.

Mm.
And while you are,

would you please
ask her to not use

my sushi knife
to cut her bread?
No.

She's your [stammers]

whatever she is.

I just want my Cetaphil
and my space.

I understand.

Well, see you later.

[ Sighs ]

♪

Oh, my God.
What are you doing in here?

Oh, I hope
you don't mind.

I just needed
some space.

Uh, Edward just
went to work.

You could always
use his room.

Oh, but his mattress
is so flat

from all of our
robust sexing.

Yours is like new.

Still so plush
and fluffy.

Thank you.
So now that our liaisons

are out in the open,

I guess
I'm not sure what

Edward and I
are to one another.

Are we courting?
Am I his boo?

Either way, I'd like to get him
a token of my admiration.

And I need your help.
Oh, yeah,

I-I-I'd prefer
not to chime in,

because, you know,
you're my boss.

But you know him
so well,

and he only knows
my bathing suit area.

[ Gags ]

Oh, I could
get him a razor

or a wallet.
Shoot.

Got to get to work.
Of course.

We'll continue this
later.

Wa-- We will?

We work together, silly.

We have all day
to discuss this.

Captions by VITAC--

♪

And so, another workday
draws to a close.

As you return
to your tiny apartments,

just know that you have done
an adequate job.

Oh, my. [ Gasps ]

Oh, I am so sorry,
Mr. Rhodes.

I really need to watch
where I'm going.

[ Chuckles ]
Geez, I'm a menace.

Dennis the Menace.
[ Chuckles ]

You do realize
that we have

a very strict drug policy
here, right?

Oh, God.
No, I-I-I'm not on--

You on the booger sugar?

No? You're not?
No. Absolutely not.

No. Never.
Okay. Relax around me.

Okay?
Okay. Thank you, sir.
[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Screams ]
Boo.

Okay.
[ Chuckles nervously ]

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

That was very funny,
Mr. Rhodes.

Wow.

How bad was that?

Why are you so nervous
around him?

I don't know,
because he owns the paper

and he's built like
a redwood.

Dennis, Duncan is no more
than a egotistical,

out-of-touch
narcissist.

There's no reason
to be intimidated by him.

Dennis,
we've got breaking news.

A big fire
on the 5 Freeway.

[ Groans ] But I was just
about to head out.

Okay, I'll call them
and tell them

to keep it
lightly burning

until it's a better time
for you.

It's a fire, Dennis!

Fine. Send Kevin to the scene
and I'll get a comment

from the fire chief.
All right.

Girl, you are so lucky

you're just
the Lifestyle editor.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Just the Lifestyle editor.

Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey!

Shh!
What are you-- What? What?

What?

I've been working
in here all day.

Baby, I told you not
to eat that

vending machine
tuna salad.

No, I'm hiding
from Lexi.

Ever since I found out
what's going on

between her and Edward,
she's been

asking me
relationship questions.

Go easy on her, okay?

She hasn't dated in
like 15 years.

This is really hard
for her.

It's really
hard for me, too.

Yesterday, she came
into the bathroom

while I was going.

Brah, do you know
how invasive...

[ Toilet flushes ]
...that is?

Yes, I do.

Oh.

Cheryl's not
a hand washer.
Ugh!

Good to know.
Trust me,

I know Lexi
can be a lot,

but it can't be
that bad.

She used my lipliner
to do her Sudoku.

Yeah, we got to get you out.
This is disgusting.
Thank you.

Let's go.
Has anyone seen

Nell Serrano?

Go!

Go, go, go,
go, go. Go left.

Left. Left.

Your other left.

Your oth--

Your other left.

Go straight.

Now go
around that desk.

About 5'3"?
Disheveled?

Straight.
Straight.

Take a right.

Take a right.

Down.
Well, this is
a problem.

Lower.
I need to know where she is
at all times.

Get lower.
We should be putting
trackers on her.

♪

Oh. Hey, you.

Hey, Lara Croft.
Hey.

Sorry, uh...

Lexi's sorta dating
my roommate,

and I'm just, uh, trying
not to get involved.

Sounds sorta
complicated.

Ah.

Instead of dive rolling,
have you thought

of maybe setting
some boundaries with her?

Set boundaries
with my boss?

[ Laughs ] No.

I mean, if I say something
that offends her,

she might, you know, make me
an obituary writer forever.

I'll just
stick to hiding.
In that case,

there's a clear path
to the...

Bye.
...elevator.

♪

Murmur, murmur, murmur.

Lexi: Oh! Nell!
There you are!

Huh? Lexi.
Where have you been?

I've been thinking
on the gift for Edward,

and I've decided to
purchase him

a new cellphone case.

Can't you just talk
to Sam about this?

No. She doesn't know
Edward like you do.

And she frequently
forgets his name

and refers to him
as "Scrawny Johnny."

Please, Nell,
I need your help.

Yeah, it's ju--
Dennis: All right,
listen up, people.

Huh?
Got a freeway fire,

a mountain lion
loose in Altadena,

and now a state senator
caught taking bribes.

Call your families,
tell them you will not be

coming home
for dinner tonight.

We got ourselves
a news-valanche.

[ All groaning ]

News-valanche.
Bummer.

Okay.
Good night.

Dennis:
Nell, hold up.
Huh?

It's gonna be
a busy night for you, also.

Why?
Two ambulance-chasing
lawyers

were on their way
to the freeway fire

when, ironically, they crashed
into an ambulance and died.

Try not to
make it funny.
Okay.

Well, this is perfect.
Yeah.

This means that you and I
are going to be together

all night.

Yay!

Yay!
Yay!

Yay!

Duncan: What the hell
is a news-valanche?

Oh, every once in a while,

several big news stories
break all at once,

and we have to
cover them all

for the morning edition.

It's an
avalanche of news

or, if you will,
a "news-valanche."

So you think the kid
really has enough backbone

to run this thing?
Oh, yeah,

a news-valanche is
where Dennis really shines.

Cheryl, I still need
a comment

on the bribery scandal.
On it, Boss.

Mason, where are we
with the pizzas?

Well, I-I--
"I-I-I..."

What are you,
an optometrist?

Get us the pizzas here,
I don't care

if you have to
bake them yourself.

Hmm. Not bad.
Dennis: All right,
come on, people.

Let's see some hustle.

If you wanted a job
with short work hours,

you should have become a DJ.

Finally. Thank you.

So, who are these
obituaries for?

Partners at a law firm.

Jerry Grady
and Greg Blitt.

Oh, I know
their commercials.

♪ Call injury attorneys
Grady and Blitt ♪

♪ We'll get you a settlement
lickety-split ♪

Your name just had to go
before mine, didn't it?

It's a jingle.
Has to rhyme, dumbass.

You're the dumbass, dumbass.

Oh, you are so lucky
you get to go home.

Oh, I'm not leaving.
Last news-valanche I left

because they didn't need
the Lifestyle editor,

and I missed
all the excitement.

Not to mention
the inside jokes.

I mean,
I still don't know why

they call Steve
"Wet Steve."

[ Laughs ]

I totally forgot
about "Wet Steve"!

That was the great-- that--
You didn't--

Pbht.
You didn't miss nothing.

All right, I'm gonna
go see if Dennis

needs me for anything.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. Let's get
these obits done.

Blitt: Be sure to mention that
when he hit that ambulance,

he was looking
at the car radio.

Yeah, because I didn't
want to listen

to the Goo Goo Dolls,

unlike some wusses
I work with.

Their music
is very uplifting!

Okay, I need
some coffee for this.

Hey, little buddy,
color me impressed

with the way you're
running the ship here.

I'm not a journalist,
per se.

I purchased the paper just to
fill out my vast portfolio.

But I have to say,
it's so fun

watching everyone
scurry around.

Dennis,
Wet Steve got the copier

all wet
and now it's broken.

Oh, damn it,
Wet Steve.

You know, I used
to be a repairman

before I built
my lightbulb empire.

I could probably
fix that.

Great.
Yes, just do that.

I charge
80 bucks an hour.

Fine.

I'm kidding.

I'm a katrillionaire.

Ah!

Come on.

Ugh!

Please, please
step aside, sir.

You see,
the trick is

to give it a good
whack on the right side.

Right about...

Hey! Oh!

[ Laughs ]
That's a score.

A twofer.

Wow. Two? What am I
gonna do with two?

[ Laughs ]
Milady?

Stop!
Yeah.

Funyuns for dinner?

You betcha.
[ Chuckles ]

What are you
still doing here?

Well,
it's March Madness,

the Miami Open,
and the Gold Cup.

It's what we call...

a "sports-nado."
Sports-nado.

How's the situation
with Lexi?
It's stressful,

but work seems to
be keeping her busy.

Oh, Nell, I texted Edward
to find out what he'd like,

but he hasn't gotten back to me,
and it's been 10 minutes.

What should I do?
Do I send him an "e-mo-zhi"?

Uh, L-Lexi?

Um...

I think we should
set some boundaries

to keep our work life

and our personal life
separate.

Maybe there's someone else
you can talk to about this.

Quit your begging.
Yes, I'll help you

with your love life.
Oh, I don't think

you're the person
I need to be--
Lexi.

I've had more boos,
baes, and zaddies

than you can imagine.
Is she serious?

I've seen her HR file.
Oh.

Hey, if you wanna
keep getting ghosted,

it's no skin
off my back.

But if you want to hook
that marlin, come with me.

I guess I'm going
deep sea fishing with Tina.

Oh. Oh.

Hey, Jared,
there's no "u" in "inferno."

Anything I can do
to help?
Right now,

all of the reporters are on
crunch time, but thank you.

I'm a reporter. I mean,
I went to journalism school.

Yes, I know.
This is an emergency,

not a fashion emergency.

But, hey, if that
mountain lion shows up

in culottes,
I will let you know.

How's it going, Boss?

I call you "Boss"
ironically,

because, well,
obviously I'm your boss.

So I rolled up
the old shirt sleeves,

handmade in
"Barthelona,"

and, uh, got under
the hood of that copier.

Yes. Great, great.
So then it's fixed.

Oh, no, no, it isn't.
It's a-- It's a mess.

No. No, no. No.

It's funny, when I started
in the lightbulb biz,

things were
built to last.

You know what
they used to do?

They would-- They would
coat the bulb

in a silica and--

Cram your bulbs,
Duncan!

What?

If you want
to be a team player,

I need you to start
acting like it.

I need your loyalty.
I need your expertise.

Right now,
our light table is broken,

and if we
do not fix it,

we do not get to lay out
the morning edition.

Can I count on you
to fix it?

♪

You got it, Boss.

And that time
I meant it.

Sam, go with him.

Oh. What now?

So, tell me
how you guys met.

Oh, you mean
the worst day of my life

including today,
when I died

in a massive fireball?

And here we go.
I wanted to help people

by being a pro bono
defense attorney.

But then he talked me
into personal injury law,

and now our faces
are on billboards

and urinal cakes.

I've texted Edward
26 times,

and he still
hasn't responded.

Normally,
I would fire him,

but that doesn't feel
applicable here.

Trust me.
Keep texting him.
Really?

Mm-hmm.
Okay.

Oh, I-I really
don't think that...

Nope, no, no,
not getting involved.

Those urinal cakes
paid for our boat.

It's your boat.
I would never buy a boat.

And if I did,
I wouldn't name it

Hit It & Acquit It.

Should I send someone
to drive by his house?

Lexi, come on.

Of course that's
the right thing to do.
I knew it.

Oh, my God, I have to go work
somewhere quieter,

like a Chuck E. Cheese.

Oh. It's, uh...

♪

Duncan: You know, when
I started out as a repairman,

I was so broke,
the only thing I had

were my grandfather's
tools

and this beat-up van
I used to sleep in.

[ Scoffs ] I ate beans
for every meal

for like eight months.

Hey, do you know what
the best dessert bean is?

Mnh-mnh.
Pinto.

Wow.
I had no idea.

The pinto is
the most versatile bean.

No, I mean,
I had no idea

that you were
a self-made man.

You just
seem so... elitist.

Thank you.

All right, now,

let's see what
we got here, huh?

Come on, baby.

Ha ha!
Look at that.

All right, I guess
I'm just gonna go

tell everyone
that old man Rhodes

is still pretty useful.

Yeah.
No, wait. Stop.

Actually, I can't let you
go out there,

'cause now I realize
that you are a human being

with something approximating
human emotions.

W-W-What do you mean?
I just fixed this bad boy.

Actually, um, we use a computer
to do all of our layouts.

We have since the '90s.

This is... an antique.

Like me.

Mm-hmm.

So I guess Dennis thinks

that I'm so useless
that, uh...

he has to give me
a babysitter, huh?

I'm so useless
I need to be your babysitter.

Mine's worse.

Hey.
Hey.

Don't you have
a sports-quake

to be working on?

Um, it's called
a "sports-nado."

Oh.
[ Laughs ]

And I'm on break.
How you doing?

Okay.
I came here to focus,

but all I can think about
is how annoying Lexi is.

You know, Edward is
not gonna respond well

to all those texts.

He gets upset
when there's, like,

too many marshmallows
in his cocoa.

I'm sure they'll
work it out.

Yeah, but they're both
just so weird about dating

and they don't know
how to communicate.

I-I think I'm gonna get
involved just this one time.

Just...

[ Cellphone rings ]

Yello.
Dude, why aren't you

responding to
Lexi's texts?

I got overwhelmed
after three consistent texts,

so I muted my messages.

Well, just please respond
to your girlfriend.

Thank you. Bye.

See? Just needed
a little nudge.

Problem solved.
[ Ringtone plays ]

Okay.

He's probably calling me back
to thank me.

Mm-hmm?
My girlfriend?

Did she call herself
that?

I mean, I don't--

I don't-- I think maybe
Tina might have said it.

Tina? Who's Tina?

Is Lexi talking
to other people

about our relationship?

Uh...
I could get past

the 47 text messages,

but the rest of this

is very concerning.

[ Line disconnects ]

[ Clears throat ]

It's all gonna be fine.

Really?
Oh. Definitely not.

Hey, fam!

So what's the sitch
on the texting, huh?

Did, uh,
Edward hit you back?

Oh, I thought you didn't
want to be involved.

What? Naw, girl,
I am all in.

Not like there's anything
to be in about.

Everything's totes
normal sauce over here.

Yes, it is
totes normal sauce.

As Edward
just texted that

he's on his way
to see me.

Isn't that great?
It is.

You know what
you should do?

You shouldn't be here
when he gets here.

You know, you want
to play it hard to get.

Maybe go home
or use that bunker

that you've been
talking about.

Really?
Mm.

Tina suggested I coat myself
in olive oil

and serve myself up
like human sushi.

No. Um...
What?

You want allure.
You want mystery.

Come on, let's get you
out of here.

[ Gasps ]
Edward.

Lexi.
What's wrong?
You look distressed.

Did you accidentally
eat a gluten?

Nell told me
what's been going on.

First you call yourself
my girlfriend...

That was my bad.

...when we haven't had
a discussion

about what we are yet.

And then I hear you're talking
to people in the office

about the status
of our relationship.

Just Tina. And who's
she gonna tell, her dolls?

And you're sending me dozens
and dozens of texts,

and it's starting
to make me feel overwhelmed.

Well, then, it seems
we have a lot to discuss.

Yes. We do.

♪

[ Door closes ]

Nell:
You guys, look at them.

It's my fault.
They're gonna break up.

Isn't that
what you wanted?

What?

No, I mean,
not like this.

I-I just thought they'd get
annoyed with each other

like everyone else.

So we had
a very long conversation,

and we've reached
an understanding.

Neither of us know
what this is,

but we like each other,
and we're gonna go

on a formal date
to see where it may lead.

Hey, that's awesome.

Yes, but we do still
have a major issue

in our relationship.

I'm sure the two
of you can--
It's you, Nell.

Me?
You got way
too involved

in our relationship
tonight.

What we're saying is
we're going to need you

to respect our boundaries.

That's all I've been
trying to do.

See, I told you she would
make it all about her.

No, no, I-I just want to do
my work and go home.

But no. I can't escape
the two of you and your drama.

It is not my fault
the two of you

do not know
how to communicate.

Hey, slick.
Yeah?

Can I borrow you
for a second?
Yeah.

Ah!

[ To the tune of "Danny Boy" ]
♪ Oh, Duncan Boy ♪

♪ The bulbs,
the bulbs are dying ♪

Could your sadness just be,
like, a little less musical?

Forgive me.

I just learned
that I'm a husk of a man

with nothing
left to offer.

I'm sorry.
Are you depressed right now?

You have money and power
and Scotch

that tastes like
it was made by baby angels.

If anybody gets to be
depressed right now, it is me.

Because nobody respects
the Lifestyle editor.

I'm gonna let you in
on a secret.

I've been looking
at our circulation,

and people do not buy
this paper to read about

what's going on
in the world.

They buy it
for the Lifestyle section.

Wow.

Mm.
Thank you.

I really
needed to hear that.

So does that mean
I get a raise?

I can't help you
with that.

Okay.

♪ From glen to glen ♪

Please tell me you do
not live on the roof

of the parking
structure.

It's just a private spot
I like to go to

when I'm about
to go off on my boss.

Okay, I see
where this is going.

I'm terrible
at setting boundaries.

No, you're great
at setting boundaries.

You just suck
at keeping them.

Turns out when Nell Serrano
cares about somebody,

she can't help
but get involved.

I hope I'm not overstepping
any boundaries

when I say
I think you want

Edward and Lexi
to be a couple.

What? No. Do I? Yes.
Damn it.

Sorry.

I just--
I want them to be happy.

I do, and it seems like
they're happy.

But, you know,
all the robust sexing

and Lexi
in my personal space,

it's gonna
suck for me.
Well...

when you feel overwhelmed,
you can always come up here.

Here? Oh, but this is
your creepy nook.

It's creepy enough
for the both of us.

I don't know.
And look.

We got beers.
What?

Warm,
and possibly expired.

[ Laughs ] Well, it never
stopped me before.

So when do you
have to get back

to your sports-nado?

Oh, that ended
a few hours ago.

Just want to stick around
and make sure you were okay.

That's incredibly sweet.

♪

[ Sighs ] All right.

You can have
the cold one.

There was a cold one
this whole time?

Give me that!
[ Chuckles ]

Eyes up, team.

We have officially
made our deadline.

This news-valanche is over!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, sport,
you know, I had my doubts,

but I got to admit, you showed
a lot of guts tonight.

I'm so tired. I just want
to see my family.

That's disappointing.

Oh, Sam, I am so sorry
I made you babysit him.

You are so much
more valuable than that.

Oh, yeah,
I know that now.

Good.

♪

I'm gonna get in
on this.

Yeah.

Hey!

Mm!

♪

Guys.

[ Sam and Dennis snoring ]

Did you fall asleep
standing u-- Oh!

Whoa. Oh, there's a lot
of dead weight here.

Ah!

[ Door closes ]

Ugh.

Lexi: Nell,
are you awake?

[ Gasps ]

What can I
do for you, Lexi?

I've done
some reflection,

which is something
that I normally despise.

But I've realized
that Edward and I

take up space
in your life.

Yes. Nighty night.

And after our argument
last night,

we plan to have a lot of
vigorous sex this evening.

So I thought that
you deserved some quiet.

♪

Wha--

A complimentary night
at the Waldorf?

Yes, and unlike a motel,
when you leave your room,

you're still
inside a building.

This is so nice.

I would have thought you'd use
this for you and Edward,

but for me?

Yes, that is
a better idea, isn't it?

Oh.

Edward, we're going
to the Waldorf!

[ Groans ]