All language subtitles for The.Conners.S06E03

Well, you figure out
why your truck won'’t start?

The gas gauge is frozen on full,
but the tank is empty.

Why gas?

Why couldn'’t it have been
something less expensive

like a new engine?

It'’s bad, guys.

It'’s bad.

I just got off the phone

with my mom'’s
credit card company.

They know she didn'’t
make the charges.

Well, they don'’t know
it'’s us, right?

No, not yet,
but they'’re diggin'.

I tried to
throw '’em off the scent

by tellin'’ 'em
she'’s got dementia.

But they talked to her
and they said to them,

she doesn'’t sound so-- so bad.

She sounded fine. Fine?

The woman thinks you'’re
Davy Jones from The Monkees.

If they find out, what'’s
the worst that could happen
to you guys?

It'’s a felony punishable
by up to three years in prison.

Huh. Three years
of somebody making all my meals

and nobody wanting
anything from me?

Can I think about it?

Well, it'’s too late
to return my big-screen TV

that becomes a French painting
when you turn it off.

She already has
a tracking number.

My little XV435/22 une.

None of us wanna return anything

because we all know that
once Bev is playin'’ the harp--

and that is a very
generous prediction--

that the card company
will just eat the loss.

The dead don'’t pay no interest.

But the living can go to jail.

All right. Well,
there'’s only one thing to do.

Dad, you have to go over to
Grandma Bev'’s with Aunt Jackie.

Why is it always me?

Because she likes you now.

You'’re the only one
that can gaslight her

and make her believe that
she bought all that stuff.

Gaslighting an old
woman is so cold.

Can I get in on that?

Darlene'’s right, Dan.
You have to help me.

You guys suck
for makin'’ me do this.

I just hope
she'’s havin' a foggy day

so I can convince her that it
was her that made the charges.

I'’m goin' to hell
for even sayin'’ that.

Well, if you can'’t convince her,

maybe she'’ll listen
to Davy Jones.

How she doesn'’t think you're
Peter Tork I don'’t understand.

Aren'’t you gonna
be late for work?

I told you I try to go in late
on All-Meat Mondays.

Having that weirdo, Howard,

carve it all up
before I get there.

He brings his own knives,

which bothers me
'’cause he's not a chef, so...

But on the upside, when they
find the bodies in his trunk,

you get to be
in the documentary.

The whole thing is just gross.

I hate these days.

You know what might
make you feel better?

Nothing.

You'’re a cynical,
negative glass-half-empty crank.

Hey. When you become
a therapist,

charge less than the others.

Hey, where are you going
with my frying pan?

Oh, it'’s still warm
from heatin'’ up my gloves,

so I'’m gonna use it
to thaw out Becky'’s gas gauge.

Then I'’m gonna sit on it
on my way to the hardware store.

Well, you keep that
as my parting gift to you.

Are you okay? What happened?

There was a rat in your sink.

- What?
- No! Darlene! No, no, no!

You know what? The neighbors are
doing a bunch of construction,

and they probably
disturbed a rat mound.

Well, what are you gonna do?
Because they could have

up to 12 babies
every three weeks.

I mean, that'’s what?
What is that?

Like 750,000 a year?

Yeah, somethin'’ like that.

Um, okay. You know what?

I'’m gonna catch it
when I get home from work.

Oh, God.

Listen. Do not tell Ben. Oh.

He'’s gonna wanna kill it. Okay?
Oh.

Oh, God. Oh.
All right.

The only thing that dies in this
house are our hopes and dreams.

The Conners
is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.

Beverly, look who'’s here.

It'’s Jackie and your son-in-law.

And they have flowers.

Hey, Mom. How you doin'’?

If you'’re havin' a bad day,
we can go over a few things,

record the conversation
on Dan'’s phone,

get out of your hair
lickety-split.

No. Come in, Jackie.

I'’m having a very good day.

Then we'’ll work with that.

Guess what September 14th is?

That is my birthday

or as you like to remind me,

the first of many days
I caused you pain.

Yes, it is your birthday
and I remembered it.

It just popped into my noggin
just like that.

And I'’ve been having
so much trouble with dates.

Isn'’t this amazing?

Yes, it is.

Sometimes certain things stick,
sometimes they don'’t.

Like finances,
they come and they go.

So, you seem like
you'’re in a really good mood.

You have a lot of energy.

Did my mom have a Gilligan cure?

Or, like, uh--
She got hit in the head
with a coconut or somethin'’?

- Is it okay to tell them?
- You might as well.

They seem so shocked

that I remembered
my daughter'’s birthday.

Your mother
was offered to take part

in an experimental drug trial.

It'’s been two months now,

and it really
seems to be slowing down
the cognitive decline.

Oh, my gosh.
Mom, why didn'’t you tell us?

There are a lot of scary
side effects in the waiver,

and I was worried
you'’d try to stop me.

Oh, I don'’t think
she'’d be worried

about scary side effects
for you, Bev.

She'’s happier,
she'’s eating better

and there are way more good days
than bad days.

Did the doctor say
if this was permanent?

They don'’t know for sure.

It might last forever,

or it could go away in a day,
a week or a month.

And it couldn'’t have happened
at a better time.

I just found out that someone
has been using my credit card.

What kind of morally bankrupt
lowlife would take advantage

of an old woman with dementia?

Uh, there'’s two sides
to every story.

You know, people could have
a lapse of judgment

in a moment of desperation.

Like it says in the Bible,

"Judge ye not those

who we knoweth
not of their desperation,

for they may be scared
and about to bolt."

I believe that'’s
the Book of-of Roger,

6:13.

So like I said,
just stopped by to say hi,

which we'’ll probably do
every morning to check in on ya,

see if you'’re confused.

Because if you are,
we wanna jump on that.

You know, to be here for ya.

You'’re not getting away
that easy, young lady.

We have to talk.

I'’d stay, but this sounds
like it'’s gonna be awful.

I guess I had this comin'’.

You certainly do.

You know, when a person gets
to a certain age,

they look back on their life

and they take inventory
of what they'’ve done wrong.

Well, you'’re
about 30 years too late,

but I'’m enjoying the hug
so keep going.

I so regret how
poorly I'’ve treated you.

I wanna make everything right.

You do?

Tomorrow, I want us to go out

and have a fantastic day
in Chicago.

We'’ll go the Art Institute
and the Historical Society.

They have the first piece
of Wrigley'’s gum.

Can you imagine it?

And we'’ll go to the Grand Hall
in Union Station.

It'’ll be just like
when you were a child.

But you never took me anywhere
when I was a child.

You said
it reflected badly on you.

What a monster I was.

Then this will be
the mother-daughter day
we never had.

Oh...
...are you really saying

that that'’s what you wanna do?

You-- You--
You wanna be with me...

...even though you'’re not sure

how many good days
you have left?

More than anything else
in the world.

All right. Well,
then that'’s what we'll do.

We will.

We'’ll talk and love and forgive.

Lots of forgiveness.

Lots of wonderful, unconditional,

unretractable
legally binding forgiveness.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your day?

Those, uh, plungers
finally come to the store?

I know they were stuck
in Minnesota for a while.

Yes, they came. Thank God.

You know, with
Saint Patty'’s Day comin' up--

Corned beef and cabbage,
you do the math.

Oh.
Hey, did you see this?

All the corners chewed off?

I think we have a rat.

What? Wait, let me see that.

Oh. Uh-huh. No, it'’s not a rat.

Uh, these are
Beverly Rose'’s bite marks.

She'’s, uh-- She's pretending
to be a dog again.

And it looks like
Becky changed her food,

and she got stressed out.

All right. Well...

...just to be safe
I'’m gonna run to my store,

grab some rat traps.
We'’ve got rats?

Oh, no. Don'’t overreact.

We maybe have one rat.

Or, like, 750,000
if you trust Jackie'’s math.

Look, just get the kind of traps
that don'’t kill.

You do know that
it'’s only in Disney movies

that they help you get dressed
for the ball.

Darlene, there is
a long-standing arrangement

between rats and humans.

We gave them New York City

and in the rest of the country,
they'’re fair game.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, I am not playing around.

Use a humane trap.

Really?

Being a vegan includes rats now?

Oh. Okay, okay.

Yes, I will try a humane trap.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

Beverly Rose ate some raisins

off of the kitchen floor
this morning.

- You don'’t think--
- No, no.

No, okay?

I was eating some raisins
this morning, I dropped a few.

Oh, thank God.

First time in Chicago?

Huh? Oh, no. God, no.

No. My mom lost her mind
but she'’s better now,

so we'’re reliving the childhood
that I never had.

So, Union Station is
our last stop. You?

Oh, my wife loves the old-world
glamour of train travel

and she'’s taking a leak.

Yeah. No. My mom
loves trains too.

She'’s been looking forward
to this all day.

You know, it'’s funny.
When she wasn'’t all there,

I never thought
that I would get closure

on all the crap
she left me holding,

you know, feeling insecure, not
good enough, unloved.

And then today
at the Hancock Building,

I-I yelled at her, she cried.

She yelled at me, I cried.

Then the Swedish tour group
in the elevator with us,
they cried.

Those people never cry.

So, I-I just feel like

I'’ve had 60 years of poison
drained out of my body.

I'’ve never felt this good.

Oh, I'’m so happy for you,

person I don'’t know
or care about.

I'’m ready. Let's go.

Oh, excuse me. But, um,

the older woman in there
with the little crocheted hat.

Does she seem ready to come out?

There'’s no one else in there.

Oh. Maybe in one of the stalls?

They'’re all open.
There'’s no one in there.

Oh, okay. '’Cause I saw her.

Mom!

Hmm. Anything in the traps?

Nope. But the cheese
keeps disappearing.

You ate the cheese, didn'’t you?

I don'’t know
why you'’d waste something
as delicious as pepper jack

on catching a rat.

Hey.
Hey.

What you doing home so early?

You know Howard, the knife guy?

He'’s a person of interest
in something,

and they shut
the cafeteria down.

Why is there a kill trap
on the counter?

Because the humane ones
don'’t work.

The rats are too smart.

Dad, I can'’t believe you're
actually over here helping him.

You'’ve known how I felt about
this since I was a teenager.

Do you remember when I made
you catch that field mouse

and take it out to the country?

Did you not notice
it only took me ten minutes

to get out to the country
and come back?

Look, sometimes we have
to make a choice, okay?

We can'’t always humor
your feelings about animals

in these situations.

Humor my feelings?
Are you kidding me?

Oh, I know
where this is going. Bye.

Come on, Darlene.
Beverly Rose is so terrified,

she won'’t come out of her room.

You haven'’t even tried
to use a humane trap.

Why are your feelings
so much more important
than mine in this?

Fine. Okay.
We'’ll do it your way.

We'’ll let him grow up,
send him to college,

and as soon as he goes to
Myrtle Beach for spring break,

we'’ll change the locks.

Don'’t make fun of me.

You know what?
You'’re being a jerk.

You really wanna drive
the rat out? Marry it.

God. Thank you very much.

God, I'’ve been looking
everywhere for you.

What are you doing?

Don'’t get excited.
I'’m just getting on the train.

I was gonna text you.

You can'’t let
this woman on the train.

She has dementia.

I'’m fine. Ask me anything.

The president of the United
States is that kid, Joe Biden.

The Vice President
is Kamala Harris.

This is my lovely daughter,
Jackie Harris. No relation.

That doesn'’t prove anything.
Name one senator from our state.

You name one senator.

I'’m not the one
trying to get on a train.

Look, I'’m no doctor,
but she seems okay to me.

Mom, what are you doing?

Mom. This is a train.

It'’s gonna take you away.

Do you even know
where it'’s going?

It'’s going east.

I haven'’t decided
where to get off yet.

Isn'’t that wonderful?

But we had
an amazing day together.

What? Did I do something wrong?

No, dear. Of course not.

You'’ve never done anything wrong

but try to please
an unreasonable old woman.

Today was the best
day we'’ve ever had.

Then why would you wanna leave?

What about your clothes?

What about your medication?

It'’s all right here
in my tote bag.

I'’ve got a lot of Lululemon.
It rolls up very small.

Wait. So you were planning this?

So was this day
all just to get me

to drive you
to the train station?

No, dear.
I could have taken a cab,

but I wanted to have
this day with you.

I wanted your face
to be the last one I saw

before I went
on my grand adventure.

Please don'’t do this.

I have to.

I'’m not going to sit around
in my apartment

until I don'’t know where I am.

I want to die living.

But it isn'’t fair.

We finally have a day
where I want you to stay.

But now you'’re leaving me?

That'’s why I gave you this day.

If I knew for sure I could
remember to love you every day,

I would never leave you.

Give my nurse a good tip.
I have a reputation.

Mom.

All aboard!

And don'’t worry
about the credit card.

I called and said
they were my charges.

I hope you and the family enjoy

everything you scammed
from the credit card people.

I know that I am.

You know, I could grab you
right now and keep you here.

But you won'’t.

Now wave goodbye.

Don'’t get murdered.

I love you too.

Here you are.

I'’ve been looking
all over town for you.

Even went to Costco to see
if you were trying flannels on

in the boys'’ section.

I was worried.

You know, I didn'’t mean
to make you that upset.

Well, I didn'’t think
you noticed.

Look, I know how much
you care about animals.

Probably more
than you care about me.

It'’s-- It's where you jump in
and say no, but okay.

And I tried to catch the rat
in a humane way,

but it just wasn'’t gonna happen.

No, you'’re not getting it.

This isn'’t just about the rat.

You'’re not
really listening to me.

It'’s like when I talk
about my job

and I-I tell you how hard it is

for me to go in
and serve meat every day.

You just dismiss it,
or you make a joke.

Well, yeah, I make a joke
because you make a joke.

I mean, that'’s the foundation
of our whole marriage, right?

We both have
horrible lives,

but we can laugh about it.

Yeah, but sometimes
jokes aren'’t jokes.

I-I need you to check in on me

and see how I'’m feeling
every once in a while.

Just like I asked you

about your stupid plungers,
for God'’s sakes,

because I know that'’s a stress
at your job.

I-I guess I'’m still learning to
figure out which ones are jokes

and which are a cry for help.

Look, I-I get that
there'’s a learning curve.

But let'’s say I make a joke
about the same thing 3000 times,

that is your clue
that something is bugging me

and to take it seriously.

You got it.

Okay, so what happens
if I check in on you

and you were making a joke
and didn'’t need me to check in?

Well, then you'’re being
too clingy

and that is like a huge turnoff.

So I can'’t win?

Yeah. Now you'’re getting it.

Uh.

What'’s up
with the chickens?

We wanted to show you that
we care about animals too.

So tonight, we'’re not serving
chicken. We'’re serving chickens.

Wait, you'’re not
just fattening them up

to eat them later, right?

No, no. That would be wrong.

Right?

Jackie'’s here. I gotta hear
about her day with Bev.

So how was it?
Is Bev going to press charges?

No, she'’s covering for us.

Oh, thank God.
Mm-hmm.

I finally got the mother
I'’ve always wanted today.

Then the day ended
at Union Station

where my mom got on a train

and went God-knows-where.

What are you talking about?

Bev didn'’t want to
live the rest of her life
confined to her home.

So she set off
on a glorious journey,

and she'’ll just see where
it takes her. What a day.

Are you out of your damn mind?

You let a 96-year-old woman,

who thought her granddaughter
was Davy Jones a few weeks ago,

get on a train alone?

And you don'’t even
know where she'’s going?

I didn'’t need to.

She'’s doing what she wants

and she'’s thinking pretty
clearly now too. Ask Dan.

Yeah, she is. For now.

Wow.

I really thought
the chicken playing piano

was gonna be
the highlight of the night.

You'’re not really being serious,
are you, Aunt Jackie?

You stopped her,
right? Come on.

God. You guys just don'’t get it.

You guys don'’t understand
how beautiful it is

to see an old, frail woman
get on a train alone

and not know where she'’s going.

I mean, I don'’t think
I'’ve ever seen her happier.

Sure, because she thinks
she'’s on a train to Marrakech

with Crosby, Stills & Nash.

She wasn'’t just leaving.

She was giving me
the gift of closure

and release from responsibility.

I'’m tracking her phone.

If she gets into trouble,
I can go get her.

I swear, you people,

you couldn'’t appreciate
something profound and moving

if it was right in front of you.

Oh, yeah?
You might feel differently

when you see what'’s going on
in the kitchen.

Well, that'’s
the most ridiculous--

It takes two chickens
to peck out "Heart and Soul."