All language subtitles for The Royle Family 05 2010 Joes Crackers 540p WEB-DL H265 BONE

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,271 I would like to leave this city 2 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:14,714 This old town don't smell too pretty 3 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:22,599 And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind 4 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,271 So, what do you say? 5 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,953 You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway 6 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,558 Half the world away 7 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:39,037 Half the world away 8 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,998 Half the world away 9 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:48,071 I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel down 10 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,031 (TV on) 11 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,469 This bauble won't stay on. 12 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,715 Oh, bauble, my arse! 13 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,277 Ha-ha! 14 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,635 I'm not sure this tree's right for this room. 15 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,238 Of course it is. 16 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,669 Twiggy got it especially for us. 17 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:08,516 Yeah. 18 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:12,993 Aww... 19 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,949 When are you going to kiss my baubles, Barb? 20 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,274 Oh, Jim! 21 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:19,788 These lights aren't working again. 22 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:22,638 Are you sure you've definitely got them plugged in right? 23 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,240 Stick your tongue in one of the sockets and find out. 24 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:29,751 Every year we have the same palaver with these lights. It's time we got some new ones. 25 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:31,358 What? New ones? 26 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,359 With this Coa-bloody-lition going on? You wanna have a word with yourself, Barb. 27 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,392 They've cocked the country up and now they expect us to pay for it. 28 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:39,236 Jim! 29 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:43,193 I mean, people have started looking down on you, if you claim benefit now. 30 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,154 There's no pride in signing on any more. 31 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,397 The way they're going on, there'll be no bugger signing on. 32 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:51,316 (Doorbell) 33 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:54,955 Get that, will you, Barbara, that'll be Cameron and Clegg now. 34 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,560 - Oh, get out of it! - (Door opens) 35 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,875 - Oh! - Hiya, Mam! 36 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,558 (Growls) 37 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,477 - Hiya, Barbara. - Hi, Dave. 38 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,957 Ooh, I like that tree. Is that off Twiggy? 39 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,991 Yeah. 40 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,156 - Hiya, Dad. - Hiya, Jim. 41 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:17,752 (Mimics Barbara) "Hiya, Dave. Hiya, Denise. Sit down. Have you had your tea? " 42 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,552 - "Yeah." - "What did you have? " 43 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:23,957 Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak! 44 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,511 Is Jim annoyed, Barbara? 45 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,313 Yes, Jim is annoyed. Congratulations, Sherlock. 46 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:37,837 - Have you done something to your toe, Dad? - No, I haven't. Your mother has. 47 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:41,953 She dropped a frozen turkey on it, didn't she? In the supermarket. 48 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,877 I told you we should have double-bagged it. 49 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,673 Double-bagged it? Are you joking, at 5p a carrier bag? 50 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,233 I'm not Lord Sugar, you know. 51 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,790 Anyway, it's not that. 52 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,991 - What's wrong with him? - You can ask me, I am in the room. 53 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,270 You haven't got to talk to me through your mother. 54 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,959 - Well, what's wrong, Dad? - Don't tell them, Barbara. 55 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,956 Oh... 56 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:05,993 The "Sold" sign went up this morning, next door. 57 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,315 - Oh, it's not, has it? - Mm. 58 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,351 That means it's sold. 59 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,472 Oh, you are right on the ball, aren't you, today, Dave! 60 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,716 I never thought they'd go through with it. 61 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,035 This is gonna hit me really hard. 62 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,479 - Yeah. - Hm. 63 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:25,435 He's gonna want his lawnmower back, his drill back, his electric screwdriver back. 64 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,597 How's Barbara gonna mow the lawn or put any shelves up? 65 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,960 - I'm really upset. - So am l. 66 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,991 - So am l. - So am l. 67 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,872 - I hope they don't move too far away. - Oh, so do l. 68 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,911 - So do l. - So do l. 69 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:46,150 Who's gonna look after the kids at weekends when Cheryl goes? 70 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,033 - I don't wanna leave them with strangers. - No. 71 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,671 Where are the kids, Denise? 72 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,312 Erm... 73 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,356 - Where are they, Dave? - Hm... 74 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,153 They're with that old woman four doors down. 75 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,111 - Oh, yeah. - Hm. 76 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,915 What is her name? 77 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,315 I don't know. She's nice, though. 78 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,271 Once you get over the smell. 79 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,311 It's really funny, Mam. 80 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,717 The kids put tissues up their nose before they go in. 81 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:20,320 - It's dead sweet, ain't it, Dave? - Yeah. 82 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,438 What does she smell of? 83 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,552 Well, you know when you've just opened a tin of salmon? 84 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,113 - Yeah? - Well, that. 85 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:32,029 - Oh. - I think it's a bit more cheesy than fishy. 86 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,071 Will you two shut up? 87 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,634 You're making me feel hungry. 88 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:42,188 I make them put their pyjamas on in Dave's van before they come home. 89 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,357 You don't want them bringing the smell into your house. 90 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:46,515 No. 91 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,869 The kids don't like her, do they, Dave? 92 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,911 No. 93 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,838 But I think it's lovely for them to go at Christmas, 94 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,758 because she's got, like, a little beard. 95 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,997 - A white one, Barbara. - Oh, how Christmassy! 96 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,109 What's happening to the kids tomorrow, Denise? 97 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:09,153 Well, I can't send them to her at Christmas. They need to be with family. 98 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,031 So they're going to Dave's mum and dad's. 99 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,878 - Oh. - They don't like it there either, Barbara. 100 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:16,911 (Laughs) No. 101 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,471 (Electrical crackling and fizzing) 102 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,919 - Ooh! - Oh, hello! 103 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,951 ALL: Oh! 104 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,672 Oh! 105 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,351 (All groan) 106 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,560 - Have you had your teas? - Yeah. 107 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,273 - Oh, what did you have? - Toad in the hole. 108 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,470 Oooh, toad in the hole. 109 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,511 (Chuckles) 110 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,632 But we didn't have any sausages left, so we just had the hole. 111 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,750 Hm. The hole. 112 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,480 - I didn't like it, really. - Didn't you, Dave? 113 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,317 No, it didn't taste of anything. 114 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,113 - No. - Well, it was a hole, Dave. 115 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,516 - Where's Anthony and Saskia tonight? - They're dropping presents off. 116 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,555 I think they needed a bit of time away from things. 117 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,117 - When's the new house gonna be ready? - Middle of January. 118 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:17,789 Oh, it's been lovely having my little boy at home again. 119 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:22,709 Your little boy? He's six foot two and 30 years of age, you daft old bat! 120 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,274 And a merry Christmas to you an' all, Jim. 121 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,311 Bah! 122 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,111 - Hey, Mam? - Hm? 123 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,677 While they're out why don't me and you go upstairs 124 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,315 and have a little look at what Saskia's got hung up in her wardrobe? 125 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,079 Ooh, what a good idea. She won't mind. 126 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,237 - Well, it's quite flattering really, isn't it? - Yeah! 127 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,196 (Giggling) 128 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,910 DENlSE: She's got some lovely jewellery... 129 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,878 Hey, Dave, it's doing my head in having them two staying here. 130 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,992 - Who? - Saskia and Anthony, you rattle-head. 131 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,111 Barbara's on at me every five minutes. 132 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,994 I can't fart in front of Saskia. I can't scratch me nuts in front of Saskia. 133 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,112 I can't lounge round in my Y-fronts in front of Saskia. 134 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,390 All the joys in life have gone, Dave. 135 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,590 You don't want that, do you, James? 136 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,631 No. And when I go for my morning dump, 137 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,195 I've got to hang around for ages to see if there's any floaters. 138 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:25,279 I had a 20-minute battle with one this morning. It was like trying to sink the Ark Royal. 139 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,230 (Chuckles) 140 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,159 Oh, yeah, and if I go for a wee and I miss, I've got to clean it up meself. 141 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,589 In case Saskia comes in after me! 142 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,949 I can't just leave it for Barbara any more. 143 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:36,993 - (Exhales heavily) - Eh! 144 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,510 And when she goes for a bath there's candles and jock-sticks. 145 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,755 It's like bloody Glastonbury up there. 146 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,110 And our Anthony's blocked the keyhole up with toilet roll. 147 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,993 What sort of a man does he think I am, eh? 148 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,036 Took me nearly 20 minutes to unpick it. 149 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,072 By the time I'd finished she'd had her shower and gone. 150 00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,718 You get notes, don't you? You get undercurrents. 151 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,113 Oh, eh, Dave? 152 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,799 If I do a fart tomorrow, will you own up to it for me? 153 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,359 Well, what if you don't do one? 154 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:11,552 What, with a bellyful of Barbara's sprouts? It's an accident waiting to happen. 155 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,034 How will I know, though, when you've done one? 156 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:18,552 I'll give you a sign. If I clean me glasses you know that I've set one free. 157 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,591 Is that all right with you, Dave? 158 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,198 Check. 159 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,435 Thank you, David. 160 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,754 (Footsteps on stairs) 161 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,239 (Barbara giggles) 162 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,555 Ooh, she's got lovely things. 163 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:37,429 (Sniffs) 164 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,550 Dave, smell that. Isn't it gorgeous? 165 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,591 Mm. Lovely. 166 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,039 Saskia's perfume. 167 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,196 (Sniffs) Oooh, that's lovely. 168 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,437 I'm gonna try and sneak up tomorrow and put some on for Christmas Day. 169 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,232 What a good idea. I'll do that as well. 170 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,315 It's funny someone of her age keeping a diary, isn't it, Mam? 171 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:57,759 Yeah. 172 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,950 She don't think much of you, Dad. 173 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:03,470 Oh, I know. I've read it. Slovenly, my arse! 174 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:07,035 Why didn't she tell me to my face? Because she's sneaky, she is. 175 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,752 - Did you put the little padlock back on? DENlSE: Yeah. 176 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,591 Why she keeps that key in a separate drawer I'll never know. 177 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,631 DENlSE: No. 178 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,511 - (Electrical fizzing) ALL: Oh! 179 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,071 - (Crackling) ALL: Oh! 180 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,439 Ooh! 181 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,911 (All groan) 182 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:32,156 Do you want me to have a look at the tree lights for you, Barbara? 183 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,191 - Would you, Dave? - Hm. 184 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,916 Dave is absolutely brilliant with electricity. 185 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,359 BARBARA: Aw. 186 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,039 It's usually the fuse bulb, the white one. 187 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,913 Here you are. 188 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,829 - (Cheering) - Well done, David. 189 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,677 - Well done! BARBARA: Thanks... 190 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,711 - (Boom!) JIM: Dave, you gormless sod! 191 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,398 DENlSE: Dave! DAVE: Woargh! 192 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,032 Aaargh, me toe! 193 00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:00,153 It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas 194 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,360 Everywhere you go... 195 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,311 Oh! 196 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,476 A Dyson! 197 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:08,919 (Laughter) 198 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,350 - What I've always wanted. - Aw, I'm glad you like it, Mam. 199 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,992 - Ah, Anthony! - (Chuckles) 200 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,031 Merry Christmas. 201 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,957 - Oh, thank you. - There you go. 202 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,194 Aww... 203 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,871 - Thank you. - It's all right. 204 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,790 I wish we'd got you a Dyson now, instead of that fridge magnet. 205 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,229 Oh, I like that just as much. 206 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,955 Yeah, but I think it looks better on our fridge door than it did on yours, love. 207 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,159 And er - ooh - this one's for you, Jim. 208 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,671 BARBARA: Ooh! - For me? 209 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,119 He-he, he-he, hee-hee! 210 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,631 What can it be? Let's have a look. Lucky old me! 211 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,115 (Barbara gasps) 212 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,516 - Sky HD! Heh, heh-heh! - Whoo! 213 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,074 Nice one, Lurky. That's bloody great, that is. 214 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,032 Come here, you. Give old Jim a little kiss. Come on! 215 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:59,078 Do you know what? You're a bloody diamond! 216 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,237 Come on, go and sit down. 217 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,998 Do you know where I'm going to put this? 218 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,952 I'm going to put this next to that fun-size bar of Toblerone 219 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,310 that Dave, Denise and the two kids bought me for Christmas. 220 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,550 - (Whispers) You tight arse. - Are you ready? 221 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,397 - Go on, Mam. Go on. - Go on! 222 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,431 (Vacuum whirs) 223 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:21,118 OTHERS: Whooo! JIM: Yeah-hey! 224 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,359 Wow. 225 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,072 Wahey! 226 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,111 - (Laughter) - Very nice. 227 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,754 Ooh, look at all the dirt! 228 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,792 - It's lovely, Barbara. - Thanks, Cheryl. 229 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,831 - Is your dad on his way over? - Yeah. 230 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,996 - Is he bringing your mam? - Yeah. 231 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,713 Right, well, let's get to the table, then. Come on. 232 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,320 Er, Dave, Anthony, help your dad. 233 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,271 Careful, careful, careful. Bloody thing's throbbing. 234 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:55,155 Watch where you're putting... Oh, you clumsy... Get your arse out of my face, you stupid sod! 235 00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,951 All right? Ready? 236 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,991 One, two, three. 237 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,470 BARBARA: Whooo! JIM: Aaargh, aargh. 238 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:06,999 BARBARA: Oooh! 239 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,713 Don't sit me with there with me back to the telly. 240 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,751 Aaargh! 241 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,868 Oh, don't sit him there. He'll be in my way when I bring the stuff out. 242 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,390 - Aargh. - Don't put him there. 243 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,032 I don't want him next to me. 244 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,516 Why don't you put me in the bloody garden and be done with it? 245 00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:27,551 Over there, the top one. 246 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,277 Ooh, aargh! 247 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,356 Watch me bollocks! 248 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,391 Set me down, set me down, set me down. 249 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,711 Set me down. Oh! 250 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,593 Get that bloody puffy, will you, Anthony. 251 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:42,629 Oh... 252 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,353 Take...take it easy. 253 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,472 God, you're a clumsy little sod, you are! 254 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,275 Watch the bloody table. Aargh! 255 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,311 Oh. (Groans) 256 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,110 BARBARA: Oh, it's Joe and Mary. 257 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,479 - Merry Christmas. - Your dad. 258 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,511 JOE: Merry Christmas. 259 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,835 - Aw... - Merry Christmas, everybody. 260 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,871 Merry Christmas, Joe. 261 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,673 I brought Mary with me, cos I didn't like to leave her on her own. 262 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,870 No. Nobody should be on their own at Christmas. 263 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,593 Oh, here you are, Joe. You're sitting here next to me. 264 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,352 What shall I do with Mary? 265 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,119 Oh, give her to me. I'll put her on the telly with Nana. 266 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,511 They always got on well together. 267 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:27,233 It's a pity we've scattered me mam's ashes, isn't it, Barb? 268 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:30,477 Because we could have set a table for all of them in there. 269 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:31,714 Jim. 270 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,228 Merry Christmas, Joe. Have you met Saskia? 271 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,750 - Oh, you're Saskia. I'm Joe. - Hiya. 272 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,075 - Lovely to meet you. - You too. 273 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,829 I wish you could have met my wife Mary, but she's dead at the moment. 274 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,711 That's her on top of the telly. 275 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,473 My grandma died recently. She's still in the urn. 276 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,476 We haven't got round to scattering her yet. 277 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,795 You should have brought her up with you, Saskia. 278 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,833 We could have put her up there in the line-up of the living dead on top of the television. 279 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,634 Bloody hell, Barbara. What time's Vincent Price gonna show up? 280 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:03,671 (Laughter) 281 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,234 Would you like any help in the kitchen, Barbara? 282 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,953 Ooh, no, you're all right, love. You stay there. 283 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,276 Dave, come on, you know I'm bloody helpless with the toes. 284 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,880 That's it. Come on, son. That's it. 285 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,717 No thanks, not for me. 286 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,877 - When's the baby due, Saskia? - The middle of January. 287 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,036 Have you had any cravings? 288 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,514 I've been having really strong cravings for Maltesers. 289 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,152 Oh. Maltesers. 290 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,878 - I had cravings with my two, didn't l, Dave? - Yeah. 291 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,718 - What were they again? - Vodka and Red Bull. 292 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,591 Oh, yeah. (Chuckles) 293 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,358 Yeah. 294 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,836 Hey, Saskia, if you ever need a baby-sitter, just ask us. 295 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:41,949 Thanks, Denise. 296 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,470 There's this old woman four doors down from us and she has ours any time. 297 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,471 Excuse me, everybody... 298 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,272 ..I'm going on the toilet. 299 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,951 Thanks, Dave. 300 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,078 Oh, wasn't it awful? 301 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,313 Did you see in the Metro? 302 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:08,319 Somebody's stole the Christmas tree from in front of the old people's home. 303 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:12,717 Never mind about that, Cheryl, love. You're bringing the atmosphere down. 304 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,116 Here's the turkey. Let's have three cheers for the turkey. 305 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:17,718 (Cheering) 306 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,550 The old turkey, here we go. 307 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,875 - Pigs in blankets. - You what, Joe? 308 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,798 Them. Pigs in blankets. Mary loved them. 309 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,593 BARBARA: Oh, well, she did, didn't she, Joe? 310 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,155 - Yeah. - I'm sorry, Joe. How have you been coping? 311 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,555 Well, I can't say I haven't missed her. 312 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,910 Well, we all do, Joe. Help yourself to the margarine, love. 313 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,115 Do you know, she had all her own teeth until the day she died, Saskie. 314 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,550 - Oh, did she? - Except for the top set. 315 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,511 And another six at the bottom. 316 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,836 - Oh. - I keep her dentures on the bedside table. 317 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:59,634 And do you know, every morning I get up...there she is. 318 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,796 - Smiling at me. - Aww... 319 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,831 That's lovely, Joe. 320 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:08,317 And when I'm really missing her... I pop her glasses on the top. 321 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,270 (Laughter) 322 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:13,438 Why don't you get an old mop head, Joe, and complete the picture? 323 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,119 - Oh, isn't this lovely? - Yeah. 324 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,152 Tell me, who wouldn't look forward to Christmas Day? 325 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,077 - Well, the turkey for one! - (Laughter) 326 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,552 Do you know, Mary would have laughed at that if she weren't dead. 327 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,591 Aww... 328 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,632 Tell you what, Barb, this lot looks bloody lovely. 329 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,432 Oh, Jim. 330 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,708 (Taps glass) 331 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,035 I hope you don't mind, but...as a mark of respect, 332 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,038 I think we ought to have a minute's silence for Mary before we eat. 333 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:50,073 - There's no need for that, Joe. You're all right. - A minute's silence? 334 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,476 A minute from... Look, Cheryl, will you time it for me? 335 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,317 - A minute? - Hm. 336 00:16:55,360 --> 00:17:00,036 - Right, well, from now. - (Murmuring) 337 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,071 (Jim mumbles and sighs) 338 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,911 JIM: Come on, come on. 339 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,429 (Mouths) 340 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,072 (Whispers) What can I do? 341 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,551 (Whispers) Behave. 342 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,595 Have you got any air freshener, Barbara? 343 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:32,595 Ssssh! 344 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,676 - Dave, shush. - Sssssh! 345 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,631 What's up? What's happening? 346 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,672 We're having a minute's silence for Mary. 347 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,632 - When's it happening? - It's now, Dave. 348 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,036 Now I've had to speak we have to do it all over again. 349 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,675 - There's no need for that, Joe. - A minute from...now! 350 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,231 (Coughs) 351 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,030 (Jim whistles) 352 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,919 (Mouths) 353 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,474 (Mouths) Now, now. Now! 354 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,318 (Whispers) It's a minute's silence. 355 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:19,792 Excuse me, everyone. 356 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:26,993 Sorry to interrupt the minute's silence, but I have just done a trump, not Jim. 357 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,753 Dave! Show a bit of bloody respect! 358 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,314 (Sighs) We'll have to do it again. 359 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:38,273 Actually, Dad, we did 40 seconds then and 30 seconds the first time. 360 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,232 - So we're ten seconds over. - (All cheer) 361 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:50,588 - This is lovely, Barbara. - Thanks, love. Would you like some gravy? 362 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:51,868 Mm. 363 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,359 What did you get Anthony for Christmas, Saskia? 364 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,834 - 3D-TV. - 3D-TV? 365 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:02,634 - 3D-TV? - I love 3D-TV. 366 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,238 I love 3D-TV. 367 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:07,033 Fancy watching This Morning in 3D-TV! 368 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,719 Holly Willoughby's wallabies coming towards you in 3D. 369 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,274 (Laughs) That's the future! 370 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:17,474 - Willoughby's wallabies in 3D. - Two double D's in 3D, eh, Dave? 371 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:23,277 - 1 D would do me. 1 D at a time, sweet Jesus... 372 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,389 Wasn't Mary's funeral a good send-off? 373 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,955 - (All sigh) - It was a glorious day. 374 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,150 It was a lovely service, Joe. 375 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,397 Just a shame about the ice-cream van during the eulogy. 376 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,796 The vicar said it was the smallest gathering he'd ever seen. 377 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,193 - Aw. - Oh. 378 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,231 Did you see Mary's sister? 379 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,510 She's lrish, the same as Mary. 380 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:50,030 You know, she was the one with the one black tooth, off centre... 381 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,559 hanging loose. 382 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,672 Was she the one who tried to start the Mexican wave in the church? 383 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,076 - Mm-hm. That's the one. - Oh, she was a bit funny. 384 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,953 She was giggling all the way through the service. 385 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,309 She's certified insane. 386 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,195 Come to think of it, I thought she was a bit odd, 387 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:09,550 trying to get us all to do the conga, filing out the church. 388 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,750 We put everything that was dear to Mary in her coffin, Saskia. 389 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,712 Oh, did you, Joe? What a lovely idea. 390 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,398 Mm, it was, wasn't it? 391 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,670 - What did you put in it. - Her wedding dress... 392 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:25,157 - Oh. - And her Beverley Callard keep-fit videos. 393 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,634 George Foreman's grill. 394 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,399 And...a photo of Cheryl. 395 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,556 - Oh, that's nice. - That's lovely. 396 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,160 Oh, no, not me. Cheryl Cole. 397 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,475 JIM: I'll tell you what, though. 398 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,239 It's a wonder there was any room in there for Mary. 399 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:44,592 Who packed the coffin? Was it the funeral director or was it...Pickfords? 400 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,312 (All laugh) 401 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,638 I have brought the poem with me if you'd like to hear it again. 402 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,318 - No, no... - It's all right, Joe. 403 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,191 It's still fresh in our minds, Joe. 404 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:59,153 No, no. If Joe wants to read it, let him read it. 405 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,589 Anyway, Saskia hasn't heard it. 406 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,438 - You'd like to hear it, wouldn't you, Saskia love? - Yeah. 407 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,471 - Yeah. - Go on, Joe. 408 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,397 Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary... 409 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,357 "Mary, Mary, Mary." Who's it about, Joe? 410 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,995 JOE: Mary. - Jim. 411 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,472 You are my wife, my friend and my lover, 412 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,751 A part-time dinner lady and also a mother... 413 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:31,676 Oh. 414 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,792 Chips, peas and gravy - that's what you had 415 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,831 Chips, pie and gravy - that's what I had... 416 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,031 - Is this a poem, Joe, or a bloody menu? - Jim. 417 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,719 I'll meet you in heaven, it's peaceful up there 418 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,398 I'll spot you immediately with your ginger hair... 419 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,839 (Sniggering) 420 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,394 So, bye-bye, Mary, now up in the sky 421 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:01,119 Farewell, my Mary, you're dead now - bye-bye 422 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,994 Oh...so lovely, Joe. 423 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,634 It gets better every time you read it. 424 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,911 - (Sniggering) - Saskia, don't get upset, love. 425 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,236 I've forgot. It's the first time you've heard it, isn't it? 426 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:19,558 Joe, do you mind not reading it again? It's too upsetting. 427 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,590 And, do you know, when the curtains closed and they played her song, 428 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,835 there wasn't a dry eye in the house. 429 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,279 What was it, Joe? 430 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:35,279 Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone when the morning comes 431 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:40,557 When the night is over, like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone, gone, gone 432 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,238 Like a bat out of... - Joe! 433 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,670 - Ruddy hell, Joe. DENlSE: I love that song. 434 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,631 What song would you have played, Mam, for your funeral? 435 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,114 I know! Ding-dong the witch is dead 436 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,390 Which old witch? The wicked old witch... 437 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,793 (Laughter) 438 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,950 - I know what song I'd have at your funeral. - What? 439 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,479 Does he wash up? 440 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:04,397 No, he never washes up 441 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:05,919 Does he clean up? 442 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,678 No, he never cleans up 443 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,119 Does he brush up? 444 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,798 No, he never brushes up 445 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,038 He does nothing 446 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,196 The boy does nothing 447 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,559 (Cheering) 448 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,239 Does he wash up? He never wash up 449 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,953 Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up... 450 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,116 Oh, hurry up! 451 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,390 No, to the left! To the left! 452 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:29,079 Put me down gentle! Gentle! 453 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,429 (Groans) 454 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:37,399 Where you going? Where you going? The trousers! The trousers! 455 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,510 Hurry up! Hurry up! 456 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,755 It's peeping! It's peeping! 457 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,276 (Groans) 458 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,951 That's it. 459 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:53,069 Ahh. The t... Aargh. 460 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,111 The toe! The toe! 461 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,159 Oh. 462 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:05,554 Hey, come on, outside! Give a man a bit of bloody dignity! 463 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,959 Does he brush up? He never brushed up 464 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,717 He does nothing, the boy does nothing 465 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,031 (Cackles) 466 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,558 Does he wash up? He never wash up 467 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:28,273 Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up 468 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,959 Does he brush up? He never brushed up 469 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,154 He does nothing, the boy does nothing 470 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:37,192 - To Mary. ALL: To Mary! 471 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:42,155 And to the end of 201 0 cos the country's going to the bloody dogs, isn't it? 472 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,919 - To the dogs and all. - (All toast) 473 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,554 All we've had is cuts, cuts and more cuts. 474 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,068 - Oh, yeah. - They've cut Heartbeat, The Bill, 475 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:51,599 Last Of The Summer Wine. 476 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:53,799 Aye. 477 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,115 Do you like being a nurse, Saskia? 478 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,151 I love it, yeah. It's really rewarding. 479 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,839 - I wanted to be a nurse. - Oh, did you, Cheryl? 480 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,350 - I think you'd have made a lovely nurse, Cheryl. - Yeah. 481 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:09,554 The only thing is, I can't stand the sight of blood and I don't like looking after people. 482 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,353 Well, why did you want to be a nurse, Cheryl? 483 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:16,029 - I like the upside-down watches. - Bloody hell, Cheryl. 484 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,116 What department do you work in, Saskia? 485 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,673 A&E. 486 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,518 Oh, tell them about that bloke that came in last week. 487 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:24,232 - Oh, no. - No, go on. 488 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,316 - Oh... - Go on, tell them. 489 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:28,749 - Tell us. - All right. 490 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:32,634 Well, we had this middle-aged man - bank manager, he was - 491 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,399 he had a light bulb lodged up his bottom. 492 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,874 (All laugh) 493 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:44,591 - What wattage was it? - What does it matter what wattage it was? 494 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,313 It'd been up there a while before he came in. 495 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,954 I hope it was an energy-saving bulb! 496 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,797 (All laugh) 497 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:55,753 - Good one, James. - How did he explain that? 498 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:59,952 He said he just got out of the shower and accidentally sat on a lamp. 499 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,752 Oh, as if! 500 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,758 Tell me, this bulb - was it screw fitting or was it a bayonet? 501 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:09,555 What does it matter if it was a screw-fit, a bayonet or what bloody wattage it was? 502 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:14,276 There's a fella out there with a bulb stuck up his arse in A&E, not in B&Q! 503 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,311 - Well, why did he do it? - I don't know. 504 00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:20,558 He might have been frightened of a power cut and he wanted to go for a crap. 505 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:25,720 - You're spoiling Saskia's lovely story here. - You didn't keep the bulb, did you, Saskia? 506 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:30,197 - We could've used it on our Christmas tree. - Don't be ridiculous, Jim. 507 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:35,678 You can't put a bulb that's been up somebody's bottom on your tree at Christmas. 508 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,472 Er...do you do any private work? 509 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:47,593 You see, I have this boil that needs looking at, and I'm... I'd like a professional opinion. 510 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,312 Whereabouts is it, Joe? 511 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:52,670 It's about two inches to the left of where that bloke had his bulb lodged. 512 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,119 Oh, right. 513 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,549 I thought it looked bigger than it was when I saw it. 514 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:00,991 But it seemed that...Cheryl was holding the mirror wrong way round. 515 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,393 Oh, Cheryl. 516 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:08,150 The main reason I wanted to be a nurse was so I could have married a doctor. 517 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,033 ALL: Aw. - Are you seeing anyone at the moment? 518 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,719 I was seeing this lad up until recently but we split up. 519 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:17,116 - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. - No, it's fine. I'm over it now. 520 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,789 - How long ago was it? - Five months, three weeks, two days. 521 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,068 Oh. 522 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:23,872 Where did you meet him, Cheryl? 523 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:28,994 Well, I was sitting on a bench in the precinct, having my morning pasties, 524 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,759 when this cute little dog came and started jumping up at me. 525 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:36,316 I gave him a little bit of one and this voice said, "Give him any more, he'll follow you home." 526 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:38,954 I looked up and there he was. I fancied him straightaway. 527 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,753 ALL: Aw. - How romantic. 528 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:45,952 - I said, "Hello, my name's Cheryl." - And what did he say? 529 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,673 - "Have you got a pound for a cup of tea? " - Oh, right. 530 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:52,110 Then he shook his paper cup at me, dead flirty, like. 531 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,197 - And what was his name, Cheryl? - Spamhead. 532 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:56,719 Ah. 533 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,228 He had lovely handwriting as well. 534 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,590 Except he put two Ms and one S in "homeless". 535 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,837 - Oh, right. - And an I in "hungry". 536 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:09,555 - Well, he was only a few letters out. - Yeah. 537 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,910 You know what? That's just like a Mills & Boon story. Lovely. 538 00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:17,113 - Hey, did you meet him, Joe? - Yes. Only once. 539 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,359 I took him home to meet my dad. 540 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:23,075 But after we'd left, my dad couldn't find his Post Office savings book. 541 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,835 When we asked Spamhead, he said his dog had probably eaten it. 542 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,075 I think his dog was able to talk as well, 543 00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:33,078 cos he went to the Post Office and took all my savings out. 544 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,191 You know, I never liked Spamhead. 545 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:38,629 - Never took you anywhere, did he? - No. 546 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,956 I think next time you should go for someone who isn't tagged. 547 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,560 I thought Spamhead was a nice lad. 548 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,238 What was he tagged for? 549 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:47,599 Dogging. 550 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,598 (Jim chuckles) 551 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,913 I can't stop looking at them two over there. 552 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,838 Two old friends together again. 553 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,189 - Oh, ain't it lovely? - Yeah. 554 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:10,038 - You're right, Barbara. They do look lovely. - Yeah. 555 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,911 Make a nice photo, that. 556 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,394 Ooh, yeah, it would. Where's my camera? 557 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,637 Barbara, it's Christmas Day, love, not Halloween. 558 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,433 - Can I be in this photo, Barbara? - Yes. Come on, Joe. 559 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,959 I don't know about losing his wife. He's lost the plot. 560 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,956 BARBARA: Get in there. 561 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:31,752 Smile. 562 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:36,076 Oh. Yeah, that's lovely. 563 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:41,069 Erm, don't take offence, will you, Barbara, but...can I have one without your mum? 564 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:44,874 Cos I'd like just a family one with me, Mary and Cheryl. 565 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,434 All right. Come on, Cheryl. 566 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:54,549 We've had more fun with them now than when they were alive. 567 00:29:58,560 --> 00:29:59,549 Smile! 568 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,392 weet, sweet memories you gave-a me 569 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:07,077 You can't beat the memories you gave-a me 570 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:12,319 Take one fresh and tender kiss 571 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:19,028 Add one stolen night of bliss 572 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:25,470 One girl, one boy 573 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:28,717 Some grief, some joy 574 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:33,276 Memories are made of this... - (Cheers) 575 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:40,191 Memories are made of this 576 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:47,789 Memories are made of this... 577 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:50,354 Oh, we've had a lovely day, Mam. Thanks. 578 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:51,674 Aw. 579 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:54,109 - Is Saskia enjoying herself? - Yeah. 580 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,874 I do worry what people think about your dad. 581 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,275 He can be a bit off-putting, you know. 582 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:02,956 - With his dirty habits. - Mm. 583 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,991 His personality. 584 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:07,557 And body odour. 585 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,592 - But we've never known any different, have we? - No. 586 00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,473 He dropped a silent one the other night, in the middle of Come Dine With Me. 587 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:19,798 She must have smelt it - cos she couldn't not. One of his Sunday ones. 588 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:21,876 - Oh. - But she didn't say anything. 589 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:24,275 Just politely put a tissue to her nose, 590 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,551 kept it there for ten minutes until it had evaporated. 591 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:30,592 You know, she's really classy. 592 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:32,995 Well, I warned her about my dad. 593 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:37,799 Do you know, I've really enjoyed having you here for the last couple of weeks. 594 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:38,829 Aw. 595 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,519 I wish you weren't going to your house after Christmas. 596 00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:43,869 Can't let me come with you, can you? 597 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:46,753 Saskia would let you, Mam. She thinks the world of you. 598 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,792 - Does she? - Yeah. Course she does. 599 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:55,073 - Aw. She is really lovely, Anthony. - I know. 600 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,680 I think she might be the one for me, you know. 601 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:00,755 - Really? - Don't say anything, but... 602 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:04,552 ..I'm thinking of asking her to marry me, on New Year's Eve. 603 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,956 - Are you? - Yeah. 604 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,195 Oh, Anthony. 605 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:11,593 Oh. 606 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:13,471 - Oh. - Mam. 607 00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:20,638 Oh, God. 608 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:23,671 Are you gonna propose here? 609 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:25,711 Well, no. I want her to say yes. 610 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:29,991 Oh. 611 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:32,918 - Two "Royle" weddings in one year! - Yeah. 612 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:37,153 I hope the Queen doesn't get the same hat as me. 613 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,196 You can wear that one. Come here. 614 00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:43,310 Oh, I love you, Anthony. 615 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:45,351 I'm so happy for you. 616 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,792 That's us with the Blackpool Tower behind us. 617 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:51,319 Oh, yeah. 618 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:55,636 Now, look, that's me and Mary at Harry Ramsden's. 619 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,113 Ah. 620 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:58,718 And that one's on the beach. 621 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:01,672 That's Mary, in that deckchair. 622 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:05,998 Yeah. Have you got any of Mary before she was in the urn, Joe? 623 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,395 Oh, no, she didn't like her photo taken. 624 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:14,828 I've got a scan photo of the baby in my bag if you'd like to have a look at it. 625 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:16,359 Oh, yeah. 626 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:17,958 No, thanks. 627 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:21,950 I think you're on a winner with Anthony. He's a smashing lad. 628 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,560 Yeah, I know. 629 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:27,751 I much prefer you to his last girlfriend. Emma. 630 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,189 Thanks, Joe. 631 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:34,279 She was much better looking than you, but you've got a better personality. 632 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,197 Right. 633 00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:41,033 But... Well, looks fade, don't they? 634 00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:43,150 Oh, aye. Oh, aye. 635 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:48,278 But not in her case. I saw her last week and she was still bloody gorgeous. 636 00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:52,994 Hard job being a nurse, isn't it? 637 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:57,152 - Sometimes. Yeah. - Mm. 638 00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,911 When somebody's gonna die... 639 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:03,912 ..do you tell 'em or do you leave it as a surprise? 640 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:07,989 W... Every case is different. 641 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:09,439 Hm. 642 00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:14,076 I know it was as much a surprise to Mary as it was to me when she expired. 643 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:16,953 I know she hadn't planned on dying, 644 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:20,276 because she'd just bought a 201 1 diary. 645 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:22,470 Oh, that's a shame. 646 00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:23,919 Mm. 647 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,350 Don't tell Barbara, though. I gave it to her for Christmas. 648 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:32,916 Some folk get upset about getting second-hand diaries from dead people. 649 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,319 - Yeah. I can imagine. - Mm. 650 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:41,790 Now, this light bulb... Was it a pearl or was it clear? 651 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:43,478 Bloody hell, Joe! 652 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,675 - You all right, Cheryl? - Yeah. Not bad. 653 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:53,514 - Considering. - Oh, yeah. I still can't believe you're moving. 654 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:55,915 It'll be weird, you not living next-door any more. 655 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,632 It's gonna be weird for me, too. 656 00:34:58,400 --> 00:34:59,753 Mm. 657 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,950 I'll really miss you, you know, Cheryl. 658 00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:05,356 I've always thought of you as like my other sister. 659 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:08,312 - You know, the nice one. - Thanks. 660 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:10,638 Aw. 661 00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:17,238 - I think Saskia's really lovely. - Yeah, she is. She's great. 662 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,116 How does she get on with your Lewis? 663 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:23,151 Really well. Really well. 664 00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:25,794 He's at his mum's. We're picking him up tomorrow. 665 00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:28,115 - Yeah. - How did you meet her? 666 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:30,879 Oh, well, my mate was in hospital. 667 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,070 I went to visit him and she was his nurse. 668 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:35,870 I just thought she was gorgeous. 669 00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:38,957 He wasn't even that good a mate, but I was there every night. 670 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:46,672 The nurses were really lovely in the hospital where my mum was when she was ill. 671 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:50,552 - It must have been a really difficult time. - Yeah, it was. 672 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:53,751 sed to go every day. 673 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:57,839 One morning I turned up and they'd switched the machine off. 674 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,950 What? Her life-support machine? 675 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,275 No, the vending machine in the corridor. 676 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,311 Oh, right. 677 00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:17,991 Listen... 678 00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:20,031 don't tell anyone but... 679 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:23,390 I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve. 680 00:36:25,240 --> 00:36:27,231 Ssh. 681 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,111 Yeah, yeah. 682 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:37,071 (Chuckles) 683 00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:41,072 Hey, Mam, isn't Saskia lovely? 684 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:43,111 Yeah. 685 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:45,911 What? 686 00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:47,951 Don't say anything, 687 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,788 but our Anthony's thinking of asking her to marry him on New Year's Eve. 688 00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:53,831 (Stifles shriek) 689 00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:56,513 Ohh! 690 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:02,191 Oh, two "Royle" weddings. 691 00:37:02,240 --> 00:37:04,231 In one year. 692 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:05,679 Shh, shh. 693 00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:07,711 You all right, Cheryl? 694 00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,479 Yeah. She's lovely, isn't she, Saskia? 695 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:12,791 Yeah. 696 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:14,831 Look, don't say anything, 697 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:20,357 but Anthony's thinking of asking Saskia to marry him on New Year's Eve. 698 00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:21,628 We know. 699 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:23,830 Two "Royle" weddings. 700 00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:25,871 In one year. 701 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:28,551 I had my work's do last Friday, Dave. 702 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,876 Oh, did you, Ant? So did l. What did you do? 703 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:35,799 Well, the company hired the Grosvenor in London. 704 00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:37,831 - The Grosvenor? - Yeah. 705 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:40,556 Yeah, a proper black-tie job, it was. 706 00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:43,478 Kicked off with cocktails and it was free drink all night. 707 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:46,478 And then JLS went on stage. 708 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:48,750 - JLS? - Then they had this casino thing, 709 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,518 and everybody got 100 pounds worth of chips. 710 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:52,551 Chips - at the Grosvenor? 711 00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:56,831 What did you do on yours? 712 00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:58,871 It started off in the Feathers. 713 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:01,070 And it ended up in the Feathers. 714 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,793 - Where'd you go in between? - The Feathers. 715 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:06,552 Who went? 716 00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:09,717 Well, it was a joint do with Diarrhoea Pete, the roofer, 717 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:11,716 and Shaky Dave, the electrician. 718 00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,032 Bit of a sesh, was it? 719 00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:17,356 No, cos they both said they had to go after one. 720 00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,391 - Oh, right. - Mm. 721 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:24,309 Bit weird, really, because I thought I saw them in the Oak later on when I was going home. 722 00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:26,836 Sure it was them? 723 00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:31,237 I'm not positive because they were ducking down when I went past. 724 00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,354 We're gonna really miss you when you move, Cheryl. 725 00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,630 I really do miss you, Cheryl. 726 00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:43,671 The kids are really gonna miss you. 727 00:38:43,720 --> 00:38:45,711 You've been a brilliant godmother. 728 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:48,151 Thanks, Denise. 729 00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:51,518 You've potty-trained 'em, taught 'em to read and write, 730 00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:53,835 went to all the parents' evenings for us. 731 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,758 Ah, you've been everything a godmother should be. 732 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:00,591 I really love 'em, Denise. 733 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,277 I wish, wherever I go, 734 00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:05,311 I could just take them with me. 735 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:07,759 No. 736 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,314 Ooh, would you like a little drink of Baileys? 737 00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:11,952 Yeah. 738 00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:14,311 Ah, just think. 739 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,991 Nana and Mary will be up there now, 740 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:20,112 having a little drink from St Peter's drinks cabinet. 741 00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:22,151 They'll all be up there, 742 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,714 having a little drink together in heaven now. 743 00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:26,751 My mam and Mary. 744 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:30,311 - And Michael Jackson. - Ooh, yeah. 745 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:32,991 Jimi Hendrix. 746 00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,031 - Kurt Cobain. - Yeah. 747 00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:37,753 Ooh, and that little fella from Diffrent Strokes. 748 00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:38,596 Yeah. 749 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:41,631 Aww. 750 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:43,671 - Cheers. - Cheers! 751 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:46,471 (Chuckles) 752 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:52,832 Ah, remember that time, Cheryl, when you got your head stuck in the railings? 753 00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:55,030 And your mam came down to help. 754 00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:57,196 And she got her head stuck and all. 755 00:39:57,240 --> 00:39:59,674 - Yeah. - And then your dad came down, 756 00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:01,995 and he got his head stuck too! 757 00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:04,031 (Laughter) - Oh, yeah. 758 00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:06,640 And all of the firemen were taking photos. 759 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:08,910 Yeah, they put the photo in the Metro. 760 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:11,713 Yeah, they used it as a caption contest, didn't they? 761 00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:14,228 - What won again? - "Don't feed the animals." 762 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,271 (Laughter) 763 00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:22,231 What about when your mam went to the priest because she thought she had the stigmata? 764 00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:24,271 Yeah, but it was just eczema. 765 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,559 Yeah. She was dead disappointed. 766 00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:28,589 Yeah. 767 00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:32,838 And what about when she won the fancy dress at the Feathers as Desmond Tutu? 768 00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:34,871 Oh, yeah. 769 00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:38,230 But she hadn't gone as him, had she? Who did she go as? 770 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:40,271 - Shaun Wright-Phillips. - Yeah! 771 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,311 Shaun Wright-Phillips. 772 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:43,873 (Laughs) 773 00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:49,711 How's your Lewis, Ant? 774 00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:51,398 Oh, he's great, yeah. 775 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:53,476 He was in the school concert last week 776 00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:56,159 and got picked to play the violin solo. 777 00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:57,989 Wow. 778 00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:01,031 How's your kids doing, Dave? 779 00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:02,718 Smashing, yeah. 780 00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:04,876 It was their school Nativity the other day. 781 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,911 Yeah, it was great. 782 00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:12,080 Denise couldn't come because she was waiting for the DNA results on Jeremy Kyle. 783 00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:14,111 Yeah. 784 00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:18,031 How did little Norma get on? 785 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:21,152 Ah, she was absolutely brilliant. 786 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:23,395 She played the Virgin Mary. 787 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:24,429 (Chuckles) 788 00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:29,270 But she couldn't remember any of her words, so she just did a forward roll. 789 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:33,831 She's really got the acting bug now. 790 00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:38,511 - Was little David in it? - Oh, yeah. 791 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,233 - He played one of the three wise men. - Which one? 792 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:44,556 The one with the wet patch who stands at the back, waving. 793 00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:46,591 Oh...nice one. 794 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:48,958 I'll tell you what, Ant. 795 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:51,195 There wasn't a prouder parent in there. 796 00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:59,075 Hey, Dave, don't say anything, but... 797 00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:02,997 I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve. 798 00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:05,031 - No? - Yeah. 799 00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,071 Oh, Ant! 800 00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:08,109 Honest? 801 00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:09,513 Yeah. 802 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:11,551 Come here. 803 00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,871 - Cheers, Dave. - Brilliant. 804 00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,717 Cheers. 805 00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:26,796 Thanks, Dave. 806 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:31,434 (Sobbing) 807 00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,471 Don't upset yourself, Cheryl. 808 00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:35,511 I don't wanna move. 809 00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:40,673 It's my dad, he wants to move because the house has got too many memories. 810 00:42:41,720 --> 00:42:43,711 Well, I can understand that, love. 811 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:45,751 But I love those memories! 812 00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:47,392 Aww! 813 00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:51,877 I just... I don't think he can get over what's happened. 814 00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:53,911 I think he's having a breakdown. 815 00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:58,112 Ooh, Cheryl, I think you're worrying unnecessarily. 816 00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:00,910 I mean, what's making you think that? 817 00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:02,951 I don't know. 818 00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:06,031 Once In Royal David's City 819 00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:23,553 Oh... 820 00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:25,591 Thanks, Barbara. 821 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:29,471 Thanks, Denise. 822 00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:34,918 Aww. 823 00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:40,311 (Sniffs) 824 00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:44,393 Ah. 825 00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:46,431 (Sniffs) 826 00:43:50,880 --> 00:43:52,871 (Sighs) I really miss her, Jim. 827 00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:55,992 I'm lost without her. She was the brains of the outfit. 828 00:43:56,720 --> 00:43:59,393 Eh? Oh, I know that. I know she was, Joe. 829 00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:02,715 I remember when she was on jury service, 830 00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:04,751 she got that confused that she... 831 00:44:04,800 --> 00:44:06,791 she owned up to the murders herself. 832 00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:08,068 (Laughter) 833 00:44:11,240 --> 00:44:13,231 Yeah, that was her. That was my Mary. 834 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:16,715 Everywhere she went, she lit up a room. 835 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:20,639 Aye. Them Chilean miners could have done with her for a while. 836 00:44:25,240 --> 00:44:27,959 Remember that day we went on an all-day session? 837 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,310 Mary walked in, found us naked, wrestling in front of the gas fire. 838 00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:34,350 That wasn't me, you bloody crackpot! 839 00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:36,391 That was you and Bob Carter. 840 00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:38,431 Eh? 841 00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:40,471 Oh, yeah, Bobby Carter. 842 00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:42,511 Oh, yeah. 843 00:44:43,360 --> 00:44:46,432 Are you sure you're doing the right thing moving, Joe? 844 00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:48,471 Yeah, I have to, Jim. 845 00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:53,071 How's Cheryl coping? 846 00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:55,714 Well, I think she's having a bit of a breakdown. 847 00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:57,751 She's comfort eating all the time. 848 00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:01,358 Although she insists it's an over-active thyroid. 849 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:03,391 (Chuckles) Joe. 850 00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:05,431 An over-active thyroid? 851 00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:10,310 It was very active last night. It cleaned out the biscuit tin. 852 00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:15,991 Ah, Joe. 853 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:20,395 Ah. 854 00:45:21,240 --> 00:45:23,356 I wish you wasn't going, you know, Joe. 855 00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:27,836 It was hard enough to lose Mary. We don't want to lose you two as well. 856 00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:32,751 Thanks for today, Jim. 857 00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,076 She'd have loved it today, wouldn't she? 858 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:38,111 Aye, she would, that. 859 00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:42,039 Her two little cheeks all rosy red with too much sherry. 860 00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:46,915 She'd have had a Baileys in her hand and she'd be singing a song. 861 00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:51,599 Over in Killarney 862 00:45:52,240 --> 00:45:55,073 Many years ago 863 00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:58,713 My mother sang a song to me 864 00:45:59,240 --> 00:46:02,152 In tones so sweet and low 865 00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:05,828 Just a simple little ditty 866 00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:10,037 In her good old Irish way 867 00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:15,519 And I'd give the world if I could hear 868 00:46:16,360 --> 00:46:20,433 Her sing that song today 869 00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:27,072 Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra 870 00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:32,194 Too-ra-loo, ra-li 871 00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:37,991 Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra 872 00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:43,559 Hush now, don't you cry 873 00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:49,032 Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra 874 00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:54,831 Too-ra-loo, ra-li 875 00:46:56,160 --> 00:47:01,632 Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra 876 00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:13,038 That's an Irish lullaby 877 00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:19,071 Nice, that, Joe. 878 00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:21,111 Nice, that. 879 00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:26,158 Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey 880 00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:29,033 Down, Zulu warrior! 881 00:47:29,080 --> 00:47:31,514 Get it down, you Zulu chief, chief, chief! 882 00:47:31,560 --> 00:47:34,472 Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey 883 00:47:34,720 --> 00:47:37,393 Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey 884 00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:40,034 Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey 885 00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:42,834 Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey 886 00:47:42,880 --> 00:47:44,871 (Cheering) 887 00:47:46,040 --> 00:47:48,031 Down, you Zulu warrior 888 00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:52,748 Get it down, you Zulu chief, chief, chief! 889 00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:55,189 Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey 890 00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:58,034 Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey 891 00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:00,555 Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey 892 00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:02,591 (Cheering) 893 00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:09,071 Are we having another round? 894 00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:11,315 No, get off! You're joking, aren't you? 895 00:48:11,360 --> 00:48:13,351 I tell you what. 896 00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:16,870 You've struck gold with that little Saskia, haven't you, eh? 897 00:48:17,240 --> 00:48:19,231 Yeah, she's great. She's great. 898 00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:26,555 Hey, look, don't tell anyone but I'm thinking of asking her to marry me on New Year's Eve. 899 00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:28,591 - I know, Dave told me. - Dave? 900 00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:30,631 Sorry, Ant. The words just fell out. 901 00:48:30,680 --> 00:48:32,671 I was trying to keep that quiet. 902 00:48:32,720 --> 00:48:34,995 - And your mother told me as well. - What? 903 00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:37,192 Two "Royle" weddings, eh? 904 00:48:37,240 --> 00:48:39,037 In one year! 905 00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,910 (Cheering, banging of table) 906 00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:46,831 Mince pies, anybody? 907 00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:48,871 (Cheering and shouting) 908 00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:56,438 JIM: Joe, my old mate. 909 00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:59,711 (Jim chuckles) 910 00:48:59,760 --> 00:49:01,751 Mince-o pie-os! 911 00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:05,236 'Ey up, here she comes. Congratulations, Saskia! 912 00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:07,271 (Gasps of shock) 913 00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:11,149 Joe! 914 00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:14,436 - He hasn't asked her yet. - Yes, he did. 915 00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:16,994 He just said so. He asked her on Christmas Eve. 916 00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:19,470 It's New Year's Eve, Joe. 917 00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:21,511 - What is? - Nothing. 918 00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:23,551 This is not the right moment. 919 00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:25,477 It might be the right moment. 920 00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:28,637 It's nothing to do with you, Denise, this is Anthony's moment. 921 00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:32,275 - This could be a nice moment. - Let Anthony pick his own moment! 922 00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:34,356 He doesn't want to have his moment here. 923 00:49:34,400 --> 00:49:35,992 She might say no. 924 00:49:36,040 --> 00:49:38,952 She's not gonna say no, she's up the duff, isn't she? 925 00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:40,797 So why's he asking her again? 926 00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:44,549 - No, Dad, he's not, he hasn't asked her yet. - Has he got the ring, do we know? 927 00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:46,079 Right. 928 00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:48,395 It's not exactly how I planned it, but... 929 00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:53,191 It looks like the moment. 930 00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:55,151 It is the moment. 931 00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:57,191 JOE: What's he doing? - Saskia... 932 00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:02,831 ..will you marry me? 933 00:50:11,040 --> 00:50:13,031 - Yeah. (Wild cheering) 934 00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:17,431 JIM: I'm getting married in the morning 935 00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:21,590 Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime 936 00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:25,511 Pull out the stopper, let's have a whopper 937 00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:29,075 And get me to the church on time 938 00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,111 (Cheering) 939 00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:33,991 Congratulations. 940 00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:37,396 This is a moment for Joe's special brandy. 941 00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:39,032 (Cheering) 942 00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:40,957 JIM: Joe's own brandy. 943 00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:44,271 Excuse me, everyone. 944 00:50:44,320 --> 00:50:45,719 Quiet, please. 945 00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:47,796 Shh, shh. 946 00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:49,831 I'm just going on the toilet again. 947 00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:52,030 JIM: Bloody, hell, Dave! 948 00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:53,752 He's never off that toilet. 949 00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:55,791 Saskia. 950 00:50:55,840 --> 00:50:58,912 Come and give your future father-in-law a little hug. 951 00:50:58,960 --> 00:50:59,676 Ohh! 952 00:50:59,720 --> 00:51:01,711 Oh, no! 953 00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:03,751 Look at my mam on the rug. 954 00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:05,791 Get her up, quick! 955 00:51:05,840 --> 00:51:08,912 I can't get her all up, she's sticking to the carpet. 956 00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:11,349 He's bound to notice she's not all in there. 957 00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:14,472 Why don't we put four scoops of Nana in with Mary? 958 00:51:14,520 --> 00:51:17,910 You can't mix dead people's ashes up, Denise! 959 00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:19,951 Don't be so disrespectful. 960 00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:22,395 Can't you just hoover the rest of her up? 961 00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:24,431 What, with my new Dyson? 962 00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:26,596 Hurry up, he'll be back any minute! 963 00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:29,632 Has this ever happened to you on Christmas Day, Saskia? 964 00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:30,669 No. 965 00:51:30,720 --> 00:51:32,711 (Vacuum cleaner whirs) 966 00:51:32,760 --> 00:51:34,751 I'm sorry, Cheryl. 967 00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:38,954 Look out, here he is. He's coming, he's coming! 968 00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:40,991 What's happened? 969 00:51:41,040 --> 00:51:43,235 - Mary's in the Dyson. - What? 970 00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:45,271 Mary's in the Dyson! 971 00:51:47,720 --> 00:51:49,153 Who's in the Dyson? 972 00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:53,398 We were just saying, Joe... we didn't expect Mary to die soon. 973 00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:55,837 No. 974 00:51:55,880 --> 00:51:57,996 Vacuuming on Christmas Day, Barbara? 975 00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:00,031 She's knocked an ashtray over, Joe. 976 00:52:00,080 --> 00:52:01,911 No. 977 00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,951 No, Joe, it's not that. 978 00:52:06,120 --> 00:52:08,111 I've got something to tell you, Joe. 979 00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:13,432 Do you want to tell him, Saskia, with you being a nurse? 980 00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:17,591 JOE: Hey, where's Mary's lid gone? 981 00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:22,031 Hang on, where's Mary gone? 982 00:52:26,360 --> 00:52:28,351 There's been an accident, Joe. 983 00:52:29,840 --> 00:52:31,831 I'm afraid Mary's in the Dyson. 984 00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:34,633 What? My Mary's in the Dyson? 985 00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:37,432 - Sorry, Joe. - Sorry, Joe. 986 00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:38,874 - Sorry, Joe. - Sorry Joe. 987 00:52:39,040 --> 00:52:41,190 - Sorry, Joe. - Sorry, Joe. 988 00:52:41,720 --> 00:52:43,711 Dad, she's not really in the Dyson. 989 00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:45,751 She's in heaven. 990 00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:47,791 She's gone now. 991 00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:50,839 Aye. 992 00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:54,198 Aye. 993 00:53:03,720 --> 00:53:05,597 Fancy telling him, Saskia. 994 00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:07,198 Saskia! 995 00:53:07,240 --> 00:53:09,834 Don't blame Saskia, Dad. Mam told her to tell him. 996 00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:13,031 Anyway, it's your fault for knocking them off in the first place. 997 00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:16,356 It's his bloody fault for falling on my toe in the first place! 998 00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:18,391 I was fixing your tree lights! 999 00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:21,713 Leave Dave out of it, Dad. It's not his fault. 1000 00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:25,548 It's Mam's fault for dropping the frozen turkey on it in the first place. 1001 00:53:25,600 --> 00:53:29,673 It wasn't my fault, it was your dad's fault because he wouldn't double-bag it. 1002 00:53:29,720 --> 00:53:32,598 If I pay for a carrier bag, it's the Coa-bloody-lition's fault! 1003 00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:35,598 What's the Coalition got to do with Mary being in the Dyson? 1004 00:53:35,640 --> 00:53:37,949 What did you get us a Dyson for in the first place? 1005 00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:39,991 You know I've always wanted a Dyson! 1006 00:53:40,040 --> 00:53:42,508 Yes, and look at the trouble it's caused! 1007 00:53:42,560 --> 00:53:45,597 I don't think it's the Dyson's fault. 1008 00:53:46,160 --> 00:53:49,232 Who has a dead old woman at the table at Christmas Day, anyway? 1009 00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:51,032 Jim, do you mind! 1010 00:53:51,080 --> 00:53:53,799 That dead old woman is Cheryl's dead old mother. 1011 00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:56,436 (Door opens and closes) 1012 00:53:56,480 --> 00:53:58,471 - Oh! - He's back. 1013 00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:08,073 Are you all right, Dad? 1014 00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:10,474 Yeah. 1015 00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:13,271 You're right, love. 1016 00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:15,991 Your mum's not in the Dyson. 1017 00:54:16,640 --> 00:54:18,995 And she's really never been in the urn. 1018 00:54:19,720 --> 00:54:22,598 She's in here, she's in our hearts, isn't she? 1019 00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:23,834 ALL: Yeah. 1020 00:54:23,880 --> 00:54:26,872 You know, I've been dreading Christmas without her. 1021 00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:29,991 But I've realised one thing. 1022 00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:34,190 I'll never be on my own, while I've got you lot. 1023 00:54:34,240 --> 00:54:35,992 Aww! 1024 00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:39,031 That's why I went back... 1025 00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:41,071 and took this down. 1026 00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:43,875 Because we're going nowhere, Cheryl! 1027 00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:45,273 (Cheering) 1028 00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:56,351 Come on, Mary, love. 1029 00:54:56,400 --> 00:54:58,595 We're going home. 1030 00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:00,631 (Cheering) 1031 00:55:04,360 --> 00:55:06,351 JIM: Nice one! Lovely! 1032 00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:10,355 Nice one, Joey! Hey, hey! 1033 00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:12,673 (Gasps) 1034 00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:18,391 (Panting) 1035 00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:20,510 So what do you say? 1036 00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:25,317 You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway 1037 00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:28,598 Half the world away 1038 00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:33,032 Half the world away 1039 00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:37,072 Half the world away 1040 00:55:37,560 --> 00:55:39,551 I've been lost, I've been found 1041 00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:41,750 But I don't feel down 78311

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