Original subtitles

My name is Will McKenzie

and my first year in state education has been an unqualified success.

And by unqualified, I mean I failed all my exams.

Thatsaid, Ihavemadethreefriends.

Yep, threewhoiefriendsinoneyear.

Andthey'rethesortoffriends everyoneshouldhave-

ones that are so tragic, they almost make someone like me...

Feisty one, you arel

look normal. But things were going to be dilferent this year.

For one, Jay could now drive, meaning we had a choice

ofwhichshit, embarrassingnr wegotalilttoschoolin.

Simon's was more yellow, but Jay's was more dangerous.

Morning, benders. Jump in the Minge-Mobile.

Strange thing to all your mum's our.

Jay driving us to scth really did make me feel like royalty.

Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.

- Roundabout, Jayl - (HORN BLARES)

Give way to the fucking lettl

Stupid old bint.

- I think it's the light, mate. - Is it?

Oh, wait, yeah, that does sound familiar.

What's that in your ear?

Oh, it's a piercing. It's just a stud for now, but my dad's

- mining me a diamond to put in it. - Cool.

Hang on, have you had the let! ear pierced?

Isn‘t that the one you get pierced to show you're gay?

Fuck om

Oh, yeah, that is the gay one.

Well, there's a quick way to tell, Neil - which ear has your dad got pierced?

Neither, cos he's not bent.

- Course not. Will, which ears gay? - I'm the last person to ask.

I thought you knew everything?

I don‘t know any men who've had their ears pierced cos I went to a private school.

Why have you had that done anyway?

Well, I like to keep my look fresh.

Plus I'll probably need it for the fashion show tomorrow.

Oh, yes, the scth charity fashion show.

Where only people deemed good-looking enough by other good-looking people

get to take part and raise money.

- There's going to be special guests. - Special guests?

Oh, I wonder who that's going to be(|)

Maybe Beyonce and Jay-Z? The Obamas?

Look, I don‘t give a shit what you think about it,

bwause when I'm up there modelling, I'll have my pick of the snatch.

Everyone knows male models get all the pussy.

I didn‘t know they asked you to model, Jay.

They haven‘t yet. They haven‘t asked anyone.

I think they have.

I'm telling you they haven‘t, cos no-one's asked me.

But it‘s tomorrow.

Are you deal? I've not been asked.

I'd be the first in line for any modelling work Look at me.

Well, IVe been asked.

Fuck ofil

Oarli's one of the organisers and she's asked me to model.

You? Who wants a model that looks like a spotty baby

crossed with the Statue of Liberty?

Statue of Liberty?

- His hair. - Oh, yeah.

WILL: ItwashardtolmowwhereJay gottheideaheshouldbeamalemodel.

Itseemedlikeitjuststemmedfrom

a sense of thinking Simon was spectacularly ugly.

Seriously, what clothes are going to look better on you than me?

Apart from a paper bag for your fucking head.

Brilliant. Shall we give it a rest now, Jay?

Good morning. Shut up and let‘s get this over with.

Right. Wait a minute. Cartwright, what is that?

It‘s a stud, sir, and I don‘t mean the earring.

Take it out, or I will rip it out.

But... what about my human rights?

You have to be human for those to apply, Cartwright. Out, now.

Right, I'm sure that most of you will remember Alastair Scott.

- Yes, Sutherland. - I don‘t.

You sat next to him in registration for four years.

0h, Alastairl

Well, thankfully, after a tough year, they found a donor

and he's finally on the mend.

In preparation for his return to school, he's coming in at lunchtime

to answer any questions you may have about his illness...

- Yes, Sutherland? - Can I catch it?

No, you cannot catch kidney failure.

McKenzie, my office, ten minutes.

What‘s Gilbert want?

Probably wants me to act as a chaperone for that Alastair kid.

Poor guy - imagine what he's been through.

- He's a dick - Jayl

What? He is a dick I never liked him when he was well,

I never liked him when he was ill, I don‘t like him now he's getting better. Simples.

- On, he was all right. - He wasn‘tl

He was a complete bell-end. He was worse than Briefcase.

Thanks very much.

Look he's had a hugely traumatic time. Maybe he's changed.

He's not going to have got more interesting in a hospital bed

attached to a drip for a year, is he?

What a sympathetic view of a life-threatening illness(I)

And he used to stink I'm not going.

Oh, come on, Jay, there might be sausage rolls.

Why would there be sausage rolls?

We had sausage rolls when my nan died.

- He's not dead, Neil. - Isn‘t he?

They still might have sausage rolls, though.

Fine, fuck it, I'll come. But I'm warning you, he's a dick

WILL: If Jay thought Alastair was a dick, he was almost certainly

a nice bloke. Unlike Mr Gilbert.

- You wanted to see me, sir? - 'Want“ is an overstatement.

I'm putting you in charge of collecting the money for tomorrovfs fashion show.

Last time we had a collection for charity, nearly half the money went missing,

then the organisers started turning up in new trainers.

Well, sir, whilst I'm really pleased that you think I'm trustworthy...

Oh, it's not that.

I just know that if anything did happen, I could break you.

Right. Well, the thing is, I object to the fashion show on a moral level.

I'm sorry?

It‘s not about raising money, it‘s a popularity parade.

It‘s just the self-elected attractive people

using charity as an excuse to show off.

Well, this is a first.

As it happens, McKenzie, I agree with you.

- You do? - Yesl

Greatl So you understand why I'd rather not compromise my principles.

Yes I do, totally.

Unfortunately for you, it‘s not the First World War.

You can‘t conscientiously object.

So, you either collect the money, or it‘s detention,

starting now and continuing indefinitely.

But... you said you agreed with me.

Yes, I know. It‘s a tricky one, isn‘t it?

0K, fine, I'll do it. But I'm still nercising my right to protest.

Good. Just make sure it‘s not a dirty protest like the last one.

WILL: Just as a stopped clock gives the correct time twice a day,

once a term, Neil gets something right.

Told you there'd be sausage rolls.

- Look at him, flicking milking it. - Jay, he's in a wheelchair.

- He was always a bit lazy, though. - I don‘t think it‘s that, Neil.

Why is Oarli finding him so funny?

I mean, what can he be saying that‘s so funny? He was never funny.

Um, excuse me, everyone, quiet, I want to talk

I wanted to say super thanks to everyone

who's given up their time to take part in the fashion show tomorrow

to raise money for a new dialysis machine for St Margaret‘s.

Especially all the sexy girls.

Did he just say "super thanks"?

Nobody told me we was raising money for that twat.

I might think twice about modelling tomorrow.

- You're not modelling anyway. - It‘s going to be a gash-a-rama.

I'm going to try getting a job helping out backstage,

so that way I'll get to see some close-up fiange, but for charity.

CARLI: Hi, Simon. You coming to the rehearsal after school?

- Yeah, course. - WILL: How much rehearsal does it take

to walk up and down in a straight line wearing clothes?

- It‘s more for timings and stufi, really. - Do you need any helpers, Oarli?

0h, brilliant, we do, actually. Hardly anyone has volunteered,

and we need people to help get the models dressed.

Christ, I knew they were stupid, can‘t they even dress themselves?

It‘s for the quick changes, actually.

Whip one outfit ofi and another one on. If you're sure you don‘t mind, Neil?

- Are you joking? - Great, thanks.

ALASTAIR: Hey, guys, everybody cool?

Hil I'm Will, by the way. I'm relatively new.

Are you the kid who shit himself in the urn?

Nice to meet you, too. Now, I was wondering if you and I

could have a little chat about some other ways to raise money,

ways that could include everyone, the whole school, whatever they look like?

Yeah, could do, only you're not as pretty as Oarli,

so I think right now, I'm going to go and chat to her, yeah? See ya.

- Oarli? Oarlil - Dick

You don‘t think him and Oarli are... Nah, nah.

If they are, I bet he's "wheely" good at it.

- Brilliant(l) - I'm going to have to go.

I've got a missed call from Ralph Lauren.

Didn‘t even ring, did it?

I'm well excited. Imagine the birds I'll get to see as a dresser.

It‘s not top international models, Neil,

it‘s just a load of the girls from scth that you see every day.

Yeah, but I think I'd fancy them a lot more if I saw them naked.

WILL: I'll say this forNeil, at least his ambitions were simple -

see tits and/or fanny. Jay's were a lot more unrealistic.

- Er, Oarli, can I have a word? - I'm a bit busy. What‘s up?

I was just wondering if you needed any more models for tomorrow.

No, we're fine.

Good, good. I don‘t know if you noticed, but I've had my ear pierced.

0h, right.

So do you think you could fit one more in novn

Well, no, bwause we've only got a certain amount of clothes.

I could wear my own clothes.

We're probably 0K.

So I'm like first reserve, then?

Well, we haven‘t really got any reserves, so, sort of, no.

Cool, cool, cool. Simples.

How about a free ticket instead?

Well, it‘s for charity, so there aren‘t really any free tickets.

Yeah, nice one, earls. I'II catch you later, yeah?

WILL: So Jay had a size zero chance of becoming a model,

but Simon was practising hard. Simon's my best friend.

Thisblokeismybestfrr'end.

What the fuck do you think you're doing? Spying on me?

Spying, is that how you get your kicks?

It‘s all right. It‘s just I think we've found the new David Beckham.

Right, that‘s it. That is it. I'm sick of you people.

- I'm leaving. - You're not going out now,

- you've got scth tomorrow. - Yeah, run away at the weekend

- when you've got your car back - Well, I'm not spending

another smond in this house with you utter twatsl

Where are you going? Paris, or Milan?

Fuck ofil

He's just like Naomi Campbell.

WILL: So Simon was well on his way to becoming a supermodel.

He had the temperament -

now all he needed was bulimia and a ccccine addiction.

Thenextnightwasthefashionshow andlrealised in myroleasdoonnan,

I had the perfect opportunity to ruin everything foreveryone.

I'm not saying don‘t give to charity - do give to charity.

I'm just saying you ccn give without supporting this egotisticcl vanity-fest.

My daughter is one of the models.

- Then you've failed her. - What? l

God. £5, please.

Will, I think it‘s so great you're helping out. I knew you'd come round.

I haven‘t come roundl

I still feel ulctly the same about this sham popularity parade.

You're being such an arsel What is wrong with you?

Alastair nearly died. Godl

- Oarlil What did you say to her? - Nothing.

- Maybe a small dose of the truth. - Will, seriously.

You have to stop cock-blocking with all this principled shit.

Simon, if Nelson Mandela hadn‘t stood up for his beliefs, where would we be novn

We wouldn‘t have Nelson's Column, for a start.

Yes, we would.

I'd better have a piss before this starts.

And a poo, Si?

What have you done?

- It‘s my new look - What, the Pat Butcher look?

- I'd say more Pirates Of The Caribbean. - Exactlyl

If the pirates shopped at Matalan.

You won‘t be laughing when I'm getting all the pussy cos I'm up on the catwalk

You're not going to be on the catwalkl You aren‘t modelling.

- I'm first reserve. - What, in case the models

fancy themselves so much they actually eat themselves?

Ah, you would if you could, though.

- What? - Suck yourself off.

That‘s not what I meant.

Yeah, but I bet you've tried it. We all have.

I managed to lick the tip once, but it took a lot of stretching -

- twice a day for a couple of weeks. - Well, thanks for sharing, Neil.

Right, I've got to go. I'm desperate for a piss.

Neil may have had dirty stretching powers,

but what he really needed was X-ray vision.

Oh, what the fuck is this?

It‘s a curtain.

Where's all the birds?

I thought it‘d be wall-to-wall poontang in here.

Presumably they‘re on the other side of the curtain.

Why have they done that? We ccn‘t see them getting undressed.

For that acct reason, Neil.

0h, flicking bollocl

That‘s a spanner to my plan. There's got to be a hole.

- You're meant to get my clothes ready. - I think this is a bit more importantl

- Are you ready to go, Simon? - Yeah, nearly ready.

Great. We're having an after-party in the common room later.

Mark Donovan's got some booze, so you'll come to that, yeah?

Yeah, obviously. Amazing.

I was washing my hands and it splashed back onto my lap.

It‘s fine. Just make sure everything is spotless for the runway.

I'm really sorry.

It‘s OK. I've got to run - there's still a million things to deal with.

On, Me“? Do you know which boys you're dressing?

Boys? I thought I was dressing the girls.

No, of course notl You and Mr Kennedy are dressing the boys.

You were the only volunteers. See you later.

NEIL: Oh, no.

Paedo Kennedy? I suppose at least ifyou run out ofspace,

you'll be able to hang the clothes on the end of his erect cock

So, no naked girls for Neil. Just a sexual predator in a waistcoat.

Meanwhile, I was having difiiculty

convincing proud parents to join my boycott.

Charity, not vanityl

Hello, stranger.

- Charlottel - Hi.

Charlotte. Herel

Yeah, good spot(|)

Yesl Hal Nol I mean, what are you doing here?

Well, I had a reading week so I thought I'd come home.

I didn‘t know this was your sort of thing. You know, fashion.

Oh, it‘s not. I think it‘s shit

and everyone taking part is a vain, talentless twat.

- I'm in it. - Apart from you. And maybe Si.

Hal Why did no-one tell me you were in it?

I didn‘t know if I could make it, so they put me down as a special guest,

or something really embanassing just cos I once did some catalogue modelling.

- Underwear? - No.

You are going to come and watch me, though, aren‘t you?

Even though I'm a "talentless twat“?

0h, yeahl No, I was only joking. Oh, yeah - I'm really behind

this whole thing, taking the money, helping set it up...

Why are you trying to ruin this event, McKenzie?

- Good timing. - Do you think kidney patients like me

should die? Is that it?

Nah, come on, mate. That‘s a bit extreme.

Is he trying to stop you coming in too?

- No, I'm one of the models. - Oh, you must be Charlotte.

Ah, wovmeroonyl Huhl

Are you aware this weasel's trying to stop people giving money to charity?

- Will? - No, that‘s not... entire|y correct.

Alastair, why don‘t we go and have a chat about this somewhere different, eh?

No, let‘s talk about it here.

Wasn‘t a request. See you later, Charlottel

What are you doing? Are you trying to wheel me away?

This thing's got brakes, you know. You ccn‘t just roll me ofil

- You're trying to sabotage... - ♪ Baa-daa baa-doc... ♪

I won‘t stand for it. ♪ Boo-doc boo-doc baa... ♪

I won‘t stand for it. I won‘t have it... ♪ Boo-bla-da ba-boo... ♪

This is my special day and you're trying to ruin itl

I'm going to go and get ready.

I think I got avrray with that. Brilliant.

No, ofcourse I hadn'tgotaway with it.

Backstage, Simon's big moment had almost arrived

- and Neil didn't give a shit. - Neil, give me a hand, please.

0h, mate, this is like torturel

I've spent the last week thinking about

- the snatches back there. - I'm in a rush, Neil.

I reckon Sarah Bell's got lovely nipples, and I bet

- Jo Larken shaves her pubes. - GIRL: We ccn hear you, you pervertl

- Who said that? - It‘s only a curtain. We ccn hear

- everything you're saying. - Shit. He's really sorry.

I mognise one of those voices - it‘s Simon Cooperl

Do something, Neil.

- How big are Sarah Bell's nipples? - Rightl That‘s it. I'm getting a teacher.

Shitl Thanks, Neil, good job.

All right, Yves Saint Le Ponce, what‘s going on here, then?

- Neil's getting me in shit. - They've put a curtain up

- so we ccn‘t see the clunge. It‘s sacst. - The crafty fuckers. They tried this

when we did the scth play. We cut a hole in the curtain and stuck our knobs

through it. It was well horny. We were getting noshed ofi in-between scenes.

- GIRL: We ccn still hear you. - OTHER GIRL: And that never happenedl

Simon, you're on, hon. It‘s models only back here.

Yeah, but look Two.

The left one looks infected. Please hurry up, Simon, you're on next.

Can someone help me with my flicking cuffiinks, please? I

All right, precious. I'II help you. Blit if you haven‘t got them on in 30 smonds

I'm going olit there in your place.

The girls said there was some sort of problem back..

0h.

Come on, we'd better get you olit of these clothes.

Blit, sir, I'm not modelling.

0h.

You should be.

So, asNeiltriedtoswervetheadvances ofamanwhoitseemedincredible

the scth continued to employ, the worlds least stylish

- fashion show got under way. - "Our first collection's theme

"is Glamorous Nights, and is plit together“ - incorrect tense -

"by Carli d'Amato. Modeling" - that should be two Ls -

"these gorgeous outfits are the equally gorgeous..."

Christ, who wrote this?

"Stephen DeBell, Richard Munay and Simon Cooper."

(CHEERS AND JEERS)

Itnnotsurewhattheword fortheoppositeofcoolrs,

butl think I lmaw what it looks like.

Sadly, I coan 't enjoy Simon 's dreadful modelling for long.

I had a two-wheeled nightmare on my case.

ALASTAIR: McKenziel

You try anything like that again...

Alastair, I think we got ofi on the wrong foot.

Is that meant to be a joke about the chair?

I ccn walk you know, I just get tired easy.

No, it‘s not that. I think we just differ on ways to raise money.

I happen to think that this is exclusive and about vanity.

And I happen to think you're a wankerl

That‘s not very mature, is it?

Even in this chair, I could kick your arse.

I could kick your arse right in.

Owl Lets not make a scene.

Come onl Hey?|

You're mental. He's mentall

Fuck youl

Will, you've got to help me.

- Hi, sexyl - I was supposed to be modelling

with Paul Keenan, blit he got so nervous, he drank a bottle of vodlca and passed olit.

Please will you take his place?

Me?

Urn...

- He won‘t do it, its "exclusive vanity". - Right.

He's talking shit, it‘s the painkillers. Of course I'll do it.

- Great. - What?| You hypocritel

Owl OK. Right, you, time for a sleep.

- Don‘t touch me, don‘t touch mel - Come onl

- Is he OK? - Yeah. He gets grumpy when he's tired.

Yes, this is going really welll Amazingly, no cocklips so far.

Well done, you've mastered walking like a knob

and looking like a dick at the same time(|)

This is actually enjoyable in an "I'm shitting myself" kind of way.

If you've shit yourself in them trousers, I ain‘t touching them.

- Of course I haven‘t. - You walk like you have.

Neil, quick I need help getting dressed.

- You are dressed. - No, dressed into something else. Thisl

For the fashion show. I'm modelling in the fashion showl

- That‘s not happening, I'm first reservel - Nol No wayl

What‘s up with you? I thought this was the worst sort of vanity?

Yeah, well, I've changed my mind.

Somebody pulled olit and Charlotte asked me to fill in.

So give me the clothesl

Now it makes sensel

One flash of Charlotte's tits and your morals go olit the window.

We ccn discuss my morals later,

after I get these flicking jeans onl God, they‘re tight.

It ccn‘t be comfortable to walk around in jeans this tight every day, ccn it?|

Here. Let me help.

Well, this is flicking bang olit of orderl I'm first reservel

It was me Charlotte wanted. She chose me. That‘s the only reason I'm doing it.

They‘ll be sorry. I'll show them.

"Columbine massacre" show them, or "futile gesture" show them?

Whatever‘s worse.

Um, Neil, you just brushed my penis there.

Yeah.

That‘s the smond time.

Yeah, I know.

Ofcourse, theonlyreasonllrlras takingpartinthefashionshow

was to get my penis brushed. But by Charlotte, not Neil.

Well done for getting ready so quickly. Exciting, isn‘t it?

Yeah. I just wanted to say I'm really pleased you picked me.

- It means a lot. - I didn‘t have a choice, did I?

Didn‘t you?

No, we had to find someone to fit the clothes

and I was like, 'Who do I know that‘s really short?"

- Oh. - And then obviously I thought of you.

Is that really the reason?

No, not reallyl They let me choose who I wanted, and I chose you.

Thanks, Charlotte.

Although it did have to be someone short.

Right.

And the next theme is... '70s Disco.

0h, brilliant.

(♪ CHIC: Le Freak)

I'm a principled man, and one of those principles turns out to be

I'll do literally anything a girllfancyasksme to.

All right. rm willing to admit I also got a bit ccrried away.

Buttheydosayalrlromanccn tell alotaboutwhataman'slikeinbed

from the way he dances. Which meant that if I did pull Charlotte,

she'd be expecting surpnsing enthusiasm, a lot of finger-llvork,

and an abrupt stop when I remembered where I was.

Meanwhile, backstage, Neil was finally experiencing some job satisfaction.

Fucking hell. At last.

Simon, there's been a slight change of plan.

Chris Yates was meant to be wearing this for my sexy finale.

Bli‘t he's just taken ofi his shirt

and his back is disgustingly hairy, so I sacked him.

I thought this was for charity?

You know when you get loads of hair ccught round the plughole in the bath

- and it gets all matted and wet? - Yeah.

His back looked like that. It nearly made me vomit, so he's sacked.

It means that I need you to wear this instead

- for the sexy finale. - Are they Speedos?

Simon, you've been brilliant all night. Plus you've got a great body.

- Please, for me? - Of course.

Thanks.

See you olit there. You've got one minute.

This is so flicking unfairl So I'm not even smond reserve now.

- Who's she going to ask next, Big John? - Do you want to wear the Speedos?

Nol

0h, what‘s the point? Ahl

Mate, your ear don‘t look great. It‘s covered in pus.

Fucking hell. I'd better get this looked at.

Good luck boner. Try not to get a stifiy in them Speedos.

He's right, you're in trouble. I nearly shot my bolt just looking at her,

and all she was doing was standing there being moany.

Did you hear what she said? She thinks I've got a great body.

If I could just do this one thing for her, who knows what could happen?

I know. You'll get a boner in front of the whole school,

and in Speedos. There is no hiding it, trust me.

It‘s only a couple of minutes, I ccn do it.

I ccn do this.

CARLI: Simon, are you ready yet?

Can you give me a hand, Neil?

Nah, you're all right.

CARLI: Simonl

That was so amazing, so brilliant. I could not have done it without you.

- How was it? - He was brilliantl

Was he?

- Yeah, he was all, like, "Yayl" - Yayl

I wasn‘t entirely "yay".

Come on, Simon, we're on.

- Are you all right? - Please don‘t distract me.

Simonlrlrasconcentratingsohard onnotgettingaboner,

thathewasoblivioustowhat ccnonlybedescribedas

quite a serious wardrobe malfunction.

(♪ Lady Marmalade)

I loved that. Seriously, thank you, Will. I'm so grateful.

It was nothing, just what was left of my dignity.

It wasn‘t that bad. And what other guy would have done that for me?

Uni's great, blit there's no-one there like you.

Shlit lip.

Seriously, all I want is a boyfiiend like you.

You're flinny and you're sweet and you're kind to me.

I think I'd be happy if I had someone in my life just like you.

Well... what about me?

No, no, not you. No, no, someone like you.

You're so flinnyl Not you, obviously. Come on, lovely, let‘s go for a drink

Um, no, I'm OK, thanks. I'll just wait here, I think

0K, cool.

Nice one, twat-face. Good dancing(|)

All that whining and complaining, for what?

Nothing. You're what they chl a sanctimonious prick

Yes, well, good to talk to you again, AI. Is that all?

No. I hope one day you get a serious illness, too.

Oh, flick off, Alastair, you dickl

- You're a dick - You're a dickl

- You were greatl - Bit of a weird reaction.

It wasn‘t meant to be flinny. It was meant to be glamorous.

- No, you're a dickl - Guys, come on, chm downl

Don‘t spoil a good evening.

We've plit on a great show and raised a hell of a lot of money.

You know your testicle's sticking out?

What?

Is that why everyone was laughing? Has it been olit the whole time?

Oh, my God, you've been walking behind me, mocking me.

You've ruined my big night. I thought you liked me, you arseholel

Hey, Carls, it‘s all right, come on.

Carli, listen, please.

Bit overdramatic, it‘s only a bollock

Fucking hell, I'm going to kill Neill

Didn‘t you feel a draft?

It was tingling, blit I thought it was nervesl Do you think people savn

Yesl It was eye level for most of the audience.

Oh, God, nol Nol

Suppose you thought that was flinny, did you?

Well, your little joke's got you in a lot of trouble.

Honestly, it wasn‘t a joke.

No, there is nothing flinny about testicles, Cooper,

as you'll discover tomorrow in my office.

What?

Sorry, sir. That sounded a bit weird.

No, it didn‘t. See me tomorrow.

It did sound weird. And talking of weird...

Right, then, let‘s get you olit of these clothes.

Sir, I told you, I'm not modelling.

No, you are, you are. I had a word with the man. The man said.

The show finished ten minutes ago.

- Oh. - Have you been drinking, sir?

Come on, John. Lets get you some fresh air.

(WHISPERS) I'm putting my flicking neck on the line for you, Johnl

So we headed home, Simon having learnt at least one thing -

neverputonSpeedosinarush.

Why did you agree to wear it in the first place?

Carli told me to.

Even with your whole sack covered, you'd look ridiculous.

Speedos. DMs, top hat and a leash. What maniac designed that?

Who thought, "You know what‘s fashionable?

"Dressing like an upper-class mental patient."

- Did you get that boner, then, Si? - No.

Oh, well done.

Blit my left bollock was sticking olit the entire time.

- Fucking helll Unlucky. - I blame you.

- All right, gays? - Hovfs your ear, Jay?

Perfect(|) That‘s why I've got to wear this massive bandage.

I suppose that‘s your modelling ccreer flicked, then.

- He never had a modelling ccreer. - I'm not bothered

cos I flicked the nurse that looked after me.

The St John's Ambulance lady?

- Yes. - Isn‘t she Warren Dunccn's nan?

Nah, there was another one that looked like Lucy Pinder.

Course there was(|)

- We going to this party, then? - I'm definitely not going.

Nor me, I think I'd burst into tears.

What, cos you're so unpopular?

No, Neil, bwause of Charlotte.

Oh, what happened with her, then?

She basichly told me I had no chance, at all, ever.

I told you than

Yeah, blit flinnin enough, it hurt more coming from her.

You know I snogged her once.

No, I did not know thatl

I could have sworn I told you.

I think I would have remembered such crushing news.

Don‘t worry, it was after you.

- That makes it worse. - Yes, now it‘s like a betrayal, too.

Was it just a snog?

Neil, please.

Yeah, course, mate. Course. Just a snog.

Well, that‘s something.

I'd learnt a few things that week myself. None good, all bad.

Jay's driving is worse than his fashion sense.

Neil is cctnip for paedos.

Just because youVe onlygotone kidney doesn't mean you're not a total dick.

And Simon has extremely hairy balls.

#I'rnqueenoftheworld

♪ I bump into things

♪ I spin around in circles

♪ Andlam singing

♪ And I'm singing and I'm singing

♪ Why n'tlstay like this?

♪ They're gone... ♪