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DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT

DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT
A LALAU VELASCO'S SHOW

Good evening, Costa do Sol!

Good evening!

How wonderful! What a great audience.
A crowded audience, beautiful people...

Oh, I'm sorry.
I hadn't seen you, sir.

What an honor to be here.

I was just a little kid
the last time I was here.

I used to share the stage
with my dad, the actor Ramon Velasco.

By the way, have you
seen him here today?

No!

Please excuse me for a second.

Dad, are you here yet?
No?

He's probably getting
himself in trouble.

You're not missing a thing.
Neither am I.

Because wherever he goes,
there's always trouble.

The old man is a devil.

Kill that cock! Kill it!

Place your bets,
ladies and gentlemen.

Who will be the champ tonight?

Ahmadinejad, the crazy cock,

or will it be Obama Fried Chicken,
the American super Chester?

Nail his ass!

I'm in. The house
bets on Ahmadinejad.

Get your hand off!

So what are the stakes?

Five to one on Ahmadinejad,
the crazy cock.

Then I bet ten thousand
on the black cock Obama.

That's a high bet, Colonel.

That's how I like it,
win it all or lose it all.

Everyone has a guardian angel, right?
Not my dad.

He has a guardian devil.
Actually, he has two.

One on each side.

I even named both of them,
Asteroth and As mode us,

and the two of them take places
getting him in trouble.

At least that's what he says.
That's his excuse.

My dad is a master
in getting himself in trouble.

He's a pro in getting
himself in trouble.

That's his main occupation in life.

I'm always stressed out,
having to square off his debts,

while he's always calm, stating:
"Don't worry, nothing will go right."

By knockout, the champ is Obama,
the American Chester.

They're going to make broth
out of Ahmadinejad tonight.

Where's my money?

Hands up!
Everybody's under arrest!

This is the Police!
Hands behind your heads!

Everybody's under arrest!
Everybody's under arrest!

It was always the same.
He always screwed up.

As soon as he got out of a hot spot,
he'd get himself in another,

and insisted on the same old line:
"Don't worry, nothing will go right."

I guess it was from hearing my dad
repeating that so many times

that I grew up with the tragic notion
that it was useless to do things right.

That everything would
certainly go wrong.

My love. Nothing in the world
could make me leave this place.

Stanislau!

Stanislau, get packed quickly!

-We gotta get the hell out of here.
-What did you do now, dad?

Asteroth got me in trouble.
We gotta go. Get your things, son!

Not again!

I knew it! I knew it! All over again!
You men are all the same!

Relax, Rosa. Sweetheart...

Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
Let me go!

See what you did, dad?

Women are all alike.
They're all moody.

Forget it, let's go.
Get your things, son.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Let's go.

DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT

A LALAU VELASCO'S SHOW

When things calm down
I'll come back.

You know what?
Deep inside, you're just like him.

No, I'm not like him.

-Like father, like son.
-No, sweetheart...

Two liars.

Sweetheart, we're not the same, Rosa.
I told you...

Move it, Lalau.

Shit, dad, I'm...

Two actors. A chip off the old block.
That's what you are.

No, no. Rosa, I promise you.
I promise I'll be back.

Promise me that you'll
wait for me.

Sure, I'll wait for you...
You no-good liar.

Shit, dad! You had to ruin it all
for me again?

She'll wait for you.
They always do.

A shack at the beach,
a beautiful girl,

and then this! Why?

You'll be fine, Stanislau.

I hate it when
you call me Stanislau!

But that's your name.

Yeah, but it's a stupid name.
A stupid name for a stupid guy.

Life sucks!

Lalau, we're gonna stay
at a great hotel near Fortaleza.

Five stars.
Very luxurious, by the sea.

-Daddy took care of everything.
-That's what worries me.

Every time you "take care" of things
we almost end up in jail.

You're exaggerating it.

Exaggerating?
I'm exaggerating?

Then why are we on the run, dad?

You know how hard it is
to produce art in this country.

In Brazil, everything
is very expensive.

Not to mention
all the red tape.

I need money to produce the show.

Our show.

Always the same excuse, right, dad?
Our show.

It's my dream, son.

Ramon Velasco and Lalau Velasco
in "Make Them Laugh."

Sponsored by Rascalbras...
Swindlerbras presents...

You need to break some eggs
to make an omelet.

Soon they'll break your eggs,
my eggs, my legs, my head.

Don't worry, nothing will go right.

Listen, dad, we can't
go on like this.

-What do you mean?
-The two of us, together.

I think we ought to spend
some time on our own.

What are you saying, son?

-You want to abandon your father?
-We'll be better off that way, dad.

Everything I've done was thinking
about the two of us, son.

Our show, so we could
act together again.

Did you ask me if I wanted
to act with you again? No.

-I had to ask you that?
-Yes.

You started your career working with me.
I taught you everything.

You know what? I think
I prefer to work on my own.

I never thought
I'd hear that from my son.

Dad...

You'd might as well
stab me in the heart.

Dad, what a lousy performance.

-Ingratitude!
-Oh, God!

Maybe that's my fate,

to be abandoned by those
whom I love the most.

Where's the paper?

You didn't bring it?

I thought you brought it.

Shit dad!

The old man had
been a great actor.

My mom was an actress too.

They got along fine on stage.

But their marriage
was a disaster.

She was always bailing him out of jail,
getting him out of the asylum,

getting him arrested,
institutionalized.

It was chaos.

When I was born she thought
the old man would settle down.

What a mistake!

One day, when she came home,
she opened the door

and there he was
fucking my nanny.

That was the straw
that broke the camel's back.

Mom left dad and son,
and fled with her lover,

captain Empedocles Rebelo,
across the ocean.

Several years later, we were told
that she had died and been buried

in the island
of Madagascar, in Africa.

Daddy never forgave mommy.

Not for having been abandoned.
That wasn't the reason.

But because of the guy's name:
Empedocles!

That's no name.
That's a Kama Sutra position!

Think it over, dad.
We'll be better off that way.

And it will be
just for a while.

Sure. You're gonna leave
and never come back,

just like your ungrateful mother.

All I get is ingratitude.

The beast will haunt me forever.

Dad, stop that.
You're not on a stage.

Good point. I'm not on a stage.

I left the stage so you could
shine on your own.

But don't forget that
I taught you all you know.

And if you are an actor today,
it's thanks to me.

And to continue being an actor,
we must go separate ways, dad.

Dad, don't do this.
Dad, what are you doing? Oh, no!

Don't you want to carry on
by yourself? Then go!

Dad...

We'll go our separate ways.

I'll live my life,
and you live yours.

-Dad...
-Or whatever is left of it.

Stop making a scene, dad.

All I ever wanted
was for us to act together again.

You and I,
together in a great show.

It would be
my last time on a stage.

Crying is the ultimate trick
to grasp the audience.

And it always worked.

The old man was very clever.

I'm sorry, dad. Forget what I said.
Come on. Let's go.

What is it? What?

Now I get it. You're joking.
You were joking, son.

Gosh, you were acting all along.

What a wonderful actor you are!

You were being the actor.
I wasn't acting, you were!

No, no. Dad, you...

How wonderful, son!
What a wonderful scene.

I almost thought it was for real.

You are so talented!
What a great actor.

Together we are insuperable!

The old man was a scoundrel,
a blackmailer.

But he was right
about one thing:

I became an actor
thanks to him.

I grew up watching
my dad acting,

and when I watched
him performing,

I noticed that a light
came out of him.

The light that shines
from every great actor.

He inspired me to become
an actor too.

I owed him that, and I always would.
I could never repay him.

Check it out. The best hotel in the
most beautiful place in the world.

Didn't I say
you could trust daddy?

For the time being,
everything's fine.

But don't you get yourself
in any trouble.

Don't worry, son. I'm gonna check
to see if everything is okay.

Dad, dad. Behave yourself.
Try not to get in any trouble.

Don't worry, nothing will go right.

PRESS CONFERENCE It's a great
honor for me to present you

the project
that will change forever

the lives of the burdened
people of our state.

The Galo Branco hydroelectric plant
will solve once and for all

the severe energy shortage
problem in our state.

It will also provide
the region abundant water.

It represents yet another
great achievement by our people.

Ms. Carol, could you please
tell us a little bit more

about the construction
of the hydroelectric plant?

You should ask that
to Mr. Rodolfo Magalhaes

who conducted the bid.

He's the right person
you should talk to.

Ms. Carol. There are rumors
that the bid may have

been tampered with.

That's untrue. The outcome
of the bid was acknowledged

by the other contestants,
so there was nothing wrong

with the bidding process.
Now excuse me.

Is it a fact that the construction
of the hydroelectric plant

is the kickoff of your campaign
for the senate?

You should ask that to the people.

They will tell you if I ought
or ought not to run for senate.

-This way...
-Ms. Carol, just one more question...

Ms. Carol has other appointments.
Please understand. Thank you.

Shit, dad!

Guys, did I tell you that my dad
was institutionalizes a couple of times?

No!

Whenever dad came home drunk
my mom would send him where?

To the asylum.

Back then there were no spas,
resorts, detox centers, rehab.

No. He was sent straight
to the asylum.

He was locked up
with the nutcases.

The thing is, he felt
totally comfortable over there.

The nutcases worshiped him.
He loved being there.

Check him out over there.
He's not very pleased.

-You mentioned the asylum story again...
-So what, dad?

Son, people stare at me
like I'm some sort of nut.

But, dad, that's the
essence of the show,

to joke about
my misfortunes in life.

Yeah, but I'm the one who
was institutionalized, not you.

And you enjoyed it a lot too.
Who are you kidding?

I was the laughing stock
at school.

You know what they called me?
"The loony's son."

What do you think that does
to a seven-year-old kid's mind?

Shit, dad.

Well, forget it.
Let's not go back there.

Don't look now.

Did you notice that there's
a gorgeous chick

that keeps staring at you?

Come on, dad.
Don't give me that.

It's true.
She's staring at you nonstop, son.

Where?
The one in the red dress?

-That's her.
-She's pretty.

Not pretty. "Beautiful" is the least
you can say about her.

If she were staring at me,
I'd be all over her by now.

And you're just sitting on your ass.

-Well, I gotta go.
-Where are you going, dad?

-I'm gonna buy some weed.
-Oh, no!

I'm out of grass.

You're very good.

Your show is awesome.

Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.

It's funny that I've never
heard of you before.

I'm sorry,
I didn't introduce myself.

Flora Beltrao, journalist.

I'm sorry, but I stopped reading
newspapers when I left Rio de Janeiro.

-You're from Rio?
-Yeah, I am.

But nobody in Rio knows
who Lalau Velasco is,

though I've acted in movies,
plays, done TV shows, soap operas...

Wow!
And how did you end up here?

I mean, performing
at a bar in a hotel is kind of...

Decadent?

I chose it. I was always
what they call a "problem actor."

I refused to memorize my lines.

They didn't get it.
They thought I was lazy.

No, I was just testing myself.

I have the urge to improvise.

I believe that an actor who stops
taking risks, stops being an actor.

But they didn't get it.
They busted my balls.

So one day I told the soap opera
director to go fuck himself

and I was fired.
I'm not sure why.

I don't regret a thing.

I perform the way I want to,
I earn my own money and applauses.

I'm happy.
I've performed all over Brazil.

There isn't one small town, square,
abandoned movie theater

or church where I haven't
staged my act.

Always the same show?

Always. Always. I've become
a one-role-actor. Myself.

In addition to being a journalist,
I do PR for the Castro Gomide Group.

Maybe we could hire you to perform
at one of our next conventions.

Would you like that?

Why not? That's a possibility.
Good idea.

Relax, it's too early for fucking.

And since when is there a schedule
for fucking, you crazy fag?

Where's Laurita?

The boss is in her room.

"The boss?"
What an improvement.

Go and tell her that Ramon Velasco,
the great Ramon Velasco is here.

Go on. What are you
waiting for? Scram!

-You're disrupting me.
-Go girl.

Ramon Velasco.

Lemma, my sweetheart!

Sweetheart my ass,
you scoundrel!

Shit! That's no way
to greet an old friend!

A cheap friend, that's what.

And you still have the balls
to come back here after what you did?

Refresh my memory.
What did I do?

The last time you were here,
you ate and drank like a king

for a week and left
without paying.

Me? Without paying?
No way. I didn't do that.

I just wanted you
to put it on my tap.

And since when do you get laid
on credit, you scoundrel?

Come on, Laurita. I've missed you
so much and long for your kisses,

your hugs, and you're
talking money?

Get over here. Come and hug me,
kiss me. Come on.

-You rascal! I missed you so much!
-You did?

Shakira, today we're celebrating.

Ramon Velasco is in town.

This old rascal knows how
to please a woman.

I hope you still fuck like a horse,
because I'm very horny.

Ouch! Be careful.
Don't ruin the goods.

My dad missed my show again.

I was thinking in what kind of trouble
he was getting himself into.

I didn't have a clue
that this time

I was the one getting in trouble.

In big trouble.

May I sit down?

Of course.

-I watched your show again.
-You did?

Your ability to captivate
people is amazing.

You are really very good.

Stop. You're embarrassing me.

Actually, I'd like
to talk business with you.

I'd like to hire you.

For your company's convention?

No. Actually it's for something else.

The resemblance
is remarkable, isn't it?

Wow! We could be twins.

And knowing my dad
the way I do,

I wouldn't be surprised
if I had a brother in India.

This is Bob Savanandra,
a kind of a neo transcendentalism icon.

A blend of Dalai Lama and Madonna.

When Bob Savanandra was touring America,
I hired him for a series of workshops

here in Brazil.

We were good to go
when tragedy struck.

What tragedy?

The scoundrel was arrested.

He was doing a workshop in Florida,
fell for a young girl,

invited her to a tantric sex session
and was arrested for pedophilia.

Nice guy, this Bob character.

The workshop in Rio de Janeiro
is supposed to begin in a few days

and I don't know what to do.

I wrote wonders about the guy
in my newspaper column,

and Castro Gomide, the event's sponsor,
paid all the expenses and advanced

fifty percent of his fee.

It was a lot of money.

And now, if Bob Savanandra
doesn't show up,

I'll be in a quite uncomfortable
situation, if you know what I mean.

Don't worry, nothing will go right.

What?

Nothing. It just came out.

Now, you're in what
I usually call a hot spot.

And that's why I want to hire you.

I don't get it.
You're not suggesting that I...

I want you to impersonate
Bob Savanandra.

This is the life
I've always wanted.

This could last forever.

No, Laurita. Don't talk to me
about marriage again.

I already told you that I'm
too old to get married.

Every whore dreams of walking down
the church isle dressed in white

and marrying her man
by the sacred vows of matrimony.

You want to ruin everything?
Isn't this nice like this?

I will pay you one-hundred thousand
for your services.

One-hundred thousand?

Dollars. Fifty-thousand in advance
and the rest at the end of the workshop.

That's a lot of money.

My loss will be much greater,
believe me.

No, no. It's too risky.
What if people find out?

Who will know? Nobody in Rio de Janeiro
remembers who Lalau Velasco is.

And they don't know
the real Bob Savanandra.

And you only have to pretend
you're him for two weeks.

When the workshop is over,
you'll be Lalau Velasco again

and one-hundred thousand
dollars richer.

What do you say?

It's very risky.

Didn't you say that actors
have to take risks?

Well, I'm offering you a challenge.

The biggest of all.

To interpret a character
twenty-four hours a day

during two weeks.

What actor would
refuse such a role?

The lady was nuts.
No doubt about it.

Offering me one-hundred thousand
dollars - a shitload of money -

to impersonate somebody
twenty-four hours a day,

without a director,
without a script,

without the safety of a stage,
that was crazy.

Hi. It's me.

I'll do it.

Lalau?

DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT
A LALAU VELASCO'S SHOW

DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO
RIGHT A LALAU VELASCO'S SHOW Lalau?

I know I was cruel to my dad,
but I had no choice.

I left him a letter
and some money to carry on.

I told him that I'd been
hired for a job

and that I had to leave in a hurry.

Poor old man. 1 felt like shit.

What a sun-of—a-bitch of a son!

BOB SAVANANDRA
THE NEW ERA GURU

Ladies and gentlemen,
on behalf of our sponsor,

the Castro Gomide Group,
I'd like to introduce to you,

straight from India to Brazil,
Mr. Bob Savanandra.

Mr. Savanandra arrived today
from a long and tiresome trip,

but he agreed to speak to the press.
80 please be brief.

Mr. Savanandra, please.

No. You can speak
Portuguese, my friend.

I'm fluent in your language.

I lived for a long time
in Buenos Aires.

Your book, "How to make money
and keep your conscience clear"

-became an international best-seller.
-Thanks.

Why do you think it was so successful?

Well, the answer is quite simple.
I applied the ancient oriental culture

to the postmodern world.

In the postmodern world
our most desired goal

is to make money.

And that's a good thing,
it's not reproachable.

It's not wrong.

The problem is that we are
totally consumed with guilt

due to religious concepts.

Guilt is bad, so I pondered,
sitting in my temple, naked:

"Bob, how can you make money
without feeling guilty about it?"

And that was when Savanandra
Shiva Manahatra - a Hindu god - said:

"Bob, learn these exercises."

He enlightened me with a series
of physical and mental exercises

that intend to liberate the greed chakra,
located somewhere near the genitals.

Sarasvati!

Mr. Savanandra, there is news
on the internet stating

that you are being prosecuted
by the Miami Justice Department.

That you are involved in an incident
with a twelve-year-old girl.

The news also stated that your trip
to Brazil was uncertain.

Can you tell us what
is really going on?

Beautiful and cunning damsel,
a strong wind you are.

Wise, rigid man,
a sumptuous oak.

The wind sways the tree's canopy,
but its roots keep the oak erect.

Excuse me, sir, but you didn't
answer my question.

Truth is but the pale reflex
of a multifaceted diamond.

Sarasvati!

Since I had nothing else to do,
I became Lalau Velasco again.

I decided to visit the man who,
for a long time,

I considered to be
a second father to me,

my master, good old Zimba.

You can do it, sweetheart!
You can do it! You can do it!

No! I can't believe it!
I can't believe it! No!

Four years to get an erection!

Four years to get an erection
and you distracted me!

Shit, master! That's no way
to greet an old friend.

Lalau Velasco! Get over here
and give me a hug.

Lalau! Lalau! My dear Lalau!

Miosotis! Miosotis, look who's here.
Come and see.

Lalau Velasco!

Miosotis, you're stunning
as always.

You still have those legs
that dazzled Paris.

They still resemble two pillars.

How nice of you, my boy.
But now I'm embarrassed.

I brought you a gift.

Gosh, Lalau. It's beautiful.
But do you think it will fit me?

0 course it will.
You think I forgot your measures?

Try it on. She hasn't gained an inch.
Amazing!

Thank you, Lalau.

And for you maestro...

A twelve-year-old Scotch whiskey.

Dude, you're gonna kill me.

Relax, Zimba.
It's just a small gift.

It really will kill me. I'm serious.
I've got diabetes.

But thanks for the gift.

Master Zimba, you're still
the usual nut case.

Nuts, retired and broke.

I mean, more flimsy than broke.

Don't say that.
You look great.

"Once a king always a king."

I miss acting so much...

Actors should die on stage,
during an act,

applauded by the audience.

They shouldn't have to end their days
in line to receive their pensions,

having shone so brightly
for so long.

But let's not talk about bad things.

And your dad, how is he?
That old scumbag!

I thought we weren't talking
about bad things.

You're right.

What do you think?

Wow! You look gorgeous.

I guess I'll get a hard on today.

What about you?
You look great.

Still performing your act
all over Brazil?

As always: sometimes
there's a big audience,

and sometimes just a few people.

But I carry on.

I never understood why
you left everything behind

to live like a Gypsy.

You were a big success,
and could have made it rich.

What can I say?
I'm a chip off the old block.

I have Gypsy blood in my veins.
I've always preferred the applauses.

"My misfortune, candid damsel,

which makes my heart blaspheme

is the inspiration to write a poem

and not having a cent
to buy a candle."

Lalau, Lalau,
you're such a romantic.

The last of your species.

They don't make actors
like you anymore.

Like us.

Like your dad.

What can we do? We make little
money but we have a lot of fun.

We are like children at heart.

The only thing we really want
is to have some fun.

Come here, come here, Miosotis.
Sit over here. Sit over here.

And we've had a lot of fun.

Smiling makes it easier
to make it to the middle of hell,

a much funnier place.

After all, the devil
is an actor just like us.

-And what's his favorite song?
-The clown will take a pie in the face

if it makes everyone laugh

he falls off the tightrope
and goes on

if it makes everyone laugh

the buffoon bends over
and tears his pants

if it makes everyone laugh

I enjoyed visiting good old Zimba,
but now it was time to get back to work.

If it makes everyone laugh

Sarasvati!

Sarasvati!

We are now beginning a long and thrilling
journey to supreme transcendence.

In a little while we will leave
these carnal containers

that we call matter,
to become pure energy and essence.

But in order to achieve
such a transmutation,

we must know
what our real goal is.

What is that goal?

-Interior peace?
-No.

-Integration with the cosmos?
-No, no.

-Enlightenment.
-No. Not that.

-Supreme knowledge.
-Not that either.

-To meet our creator.
-No, no, and no.

Our ultimate goal here on Earth,
as we all know, is to make money.

Making money is our
only goal in life.

That's right, twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week,

thirty days a month,
and twelve months a year.

Relax, you glutton.
You'll get some too.

Yes, and for you too...
To make money.

So let's free ourselves from guild
and say out loud

-what is it that you desire the most?
-Money!

Louder! What do we want?

-Money!
-What is it that you really want?

Money!

Sarasvati!

Sarasvati!

Wonderful!
You gave me goose bumps.

-Are you feeling any lighter?
-Yes.

The human ability
of humiliating himself

on behalf of some kind
of faith is amazing.

The more I mocked those idiots,
the happier they were.

And they were paying me
a fortune to do it.

Now tell me, where in you spacious
container would you save those bills?

Perfect, near your sex!

That's perfect because
the sex is synonymous to money,

the source of pleasure
and of perpetuation of the species.

And where in your
luscious carnal container

would you save those bills?

On the breasts! On the breasts!

Which are used for breast-feeding,
and breast-feeding

is the source of the sap of life,
our primary source of food.

Milk is good,
so money is good too.

-Sarasvati!
-Sarasvati!

I'm in ecstasy, master!

Sarasvati!

-Sarasvati!
-Sarasvati!

-Master.
-Oh, Ms. Carol!

Master, I was thinking...

maybe we could take your
workshop to poor neighborhoods.

You see, I do social work
at poor neighborhoods

and it would be great
if they could lecture them.

Sister, not all are worthy
of my lectures.

No, no. The needy, for instance,
are very needy, you see?

The poor are poor.
That's their Karma.

Wonderful, master! Wonderful!
I feel like I'm the clouds.

And I feel like I could
float in the air, master.

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Poverty and wealth alike are gifts.

The difference is that
while wealth expands the body,

poverty elevates the spirit.

It says so in the Mahatmarata,
by Mahatma Svoski.

Well, I'm throwing a party
at my house this weekend

and I would be honored
if you could attend.

I insist. I'll send a car
to pick you up at the hotel.

Is that okay?

-Okay. Sarasvati!
-Sarasvati!

Don't be like that, sweetheart.

He'll be back one of these days.

No he won't. The truth is,
he just wanted to get rid of me.

And to think of all
the things I went through

so we could act together again...

Father and son together
in the same show!

It would be
wonderful, Laurita.

But he despised me.

And left me here broke.

Broke, my ass! Here you have a roof,
board and sex for free.

You ungrateful old fart!

Laurita, forgive me,
but you know what the problem is?

I feel just like this canary,
trapped in this cage.

While he's free,
free to venture... free to...

Son-of—a-bitch of a son!

People love an idol, a master.

I was loving the feeling
of being a god,

but I had to stay focused.

I was on a job,
playing a role.

In a week I'd stop
impersonating Bob Savanandra

and would be my old self again.

Except I'd be one-hundred
thousand dollars richer.

Master, what a pleasure.
I'm thrilled that you are here.

You can call me Bob, Ms. Carol.

-Only if you call me Carol.
-Okay.

-I'll introduce you to some friends.
-I love making friends.

This is my husband,
Rodolfo Magalhaes.

What a pleasure, Mr. Savanandra.

You are all over the press,
which proves that Castro Gomide's

investment sponsoring your trip
to Brazil is paying off.

Excuse me, Ms. Carol.
We need to talk.

Rodolfo, please entertain
Mr. Savanandra for a while.

There's an urgent matter
I have to look into. Excuse me.

Of course, darling. Don't worry.

I'll introduce our dear guru
to our guests.

Mr. Savanandra,
I'd like to introduce you

to congressman
Placido Valquintans.

-How do you do?
-His wife, Andrea Valquintans.

Oh, and our dear columnist
Flora Beltrao.

The most malicious
journalist in Brazil.

Would you like a cigar?

I'd love one.
Can you light me up?

Now I'd like to introduce you
to the ambassador

of the Republic of Madagascar.

Ambassador, Mr. Ruppert Mugamba.

Mr. Savanandra! What a thrill
to know you in person.

I am a big admirer
of Your Excellency.

I've read all your books.

With your consent,
I'd like to embrace you.

Excuse me.

Did you forget the cue, son?

What a pleasure to know that I have
admirers in the island of Madagascar.

My father, what a coincidence,
had a dear friend from Madagascar.

He was a captain
in the merchant navy.

What was his name again?

Empedocles Rebelo.
Do you know him?

Yes, I knew
Mr. Rebelo very well.

Mr. Rebelo, unfortunately,
had an ignoble death.

He was eaten by cannibals.

They devoured
Mr. Rebelo entirely.

They didn't leave a single bone.

There are cannibals
in your country, ambassador?

Yes, cannibals, leeches, vampires.

But worst of all, the sons
usually abandon their parents

when they get old.

They leave their
poor parents broke.

Without food, water,
homeless, and then they die.

Is that common in India,
Mr. Savanandra?

No. In India we have
respect for our elders,

because, in return,
they respect their children.

I'm very curious about
your country, Mr. Savanandra.

Would Your Excellency be as kind
as to exchange a few words with me?

It will be my pleasure.
Please excuse me, Rodolfo.

-Make yourself at home.
-Excuse me.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I'm way ahead of you, son.

What's with the guru scam?

There's gotta be good money
in it, isn't there?

I can't talk about it.

Then I'll go out there
and expose you.

No, dad. Don't do that.
I'll tell you, okay?

There is some money in it,
and yes, I will cut you in.

But, dad, you can't get involved.

How much?

One-hundred thousand dollars.

Wow! That's a lot of money, son.

We can produce our show.

And there will be some change
we can use to get laid!

God, I can't believe this!

The bidding process
was carried out licitly.

Rodolfo personally saw to it
that the bidding process

was to be carried out legitimately.

Forgive me, Ms. Carol,
but I suspect Mr. Magalhaes

is directly involved
in this fraud.

Are you crazy?

Are you implying
that my husband...

"Love is a fire that burns unseen,

A wound that aches
yet isn't felt,

An always discontent contentment,

A pain that rages
without hurting,"

"A longing for nothing
but to long,

A loneliness in the midst of people,

A never feeling pleased
when pleased

A passion that gains
when lost in thought."

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Excuse me.

Sweetheart, where were you?
Everyone was looking for you.

Don't touch me, Rodolfo.
I've had it with you!

You're not gonna make a scene
in front of our guests, are you?

No, I know how to behave
in public.

But when the guests are gone,
we'll have a very serious conversation.

You were great, ambassador.

What vivacity,
what aptitude with words...

What a great memory!
Reciting Camoes by heart...

I actually am in good shape.

Not to brag, but did you know
that I'm older than ninety?

Ninety? No! You seem
much younger than that.

You seem twenty years younger.

Actually I'm ninety-two.

My memory is fine
and I have the heart of a boy.

I was married to a woman
fifty years younger than me.

-Fifty!
-She was voracious, but very satisfied.

How do you keep in shape?

My secret lies
in the miraculous waters

of the sulfurous fountains
of Saint Gertrudes.

Something wrong, Carol?

Oh, master... Bob.

Something unpleasant happened.
It ruined my good mood.

Well, if I can help
in any way...

There is nothing you can do.

And how can we buy
such a miraculous water?

It is a divine blessing.

The water is sprinkled
on the heads of the believers...

for free, at the
Saint Gertrudes abbey.

So we have to go to Transylvania
to get some?

That's very far.

But you ladies are very lucky,
very lucky indeed.

It so happens that the miraculous saint
friar Emil Pussass

is now in Brazil.

Puss... what?

Pussass, gentleman.
Friar Emil Pussass.

He came to my embassy
a few days ago

in search of a place where
he could address

a large number of Brazilians
to whom he could preach

the sacred words.

So he could raise money
for the orphans,

because there are many
orphans in Transylvania.

Many, and he needs a lot of money,
a lot of donatives.

He also needs a place large enough
where he can sprinkle

the sacred water of the youth fountain
on the heads of the generous Brazilians.

Ambassador, don't you worry.

We will organize
a big charitable party

in honor of friar Puss...
Pussa... Pusse...

Pussass, madam.
Friar Emil Pussass.

My dear son,
I'm very proud of you.

I don't know what you're up to,
but no doubt it's a great sham.

Get out of my bed, dad.
I want to get some rest.

Why? I can't sleep
with you here, son?

-It's such a big bed...
-Out!

How selfish!

This is very serious.

It's kind of late
for serious matters.

I know everything, Rodolfo.

About the fraud in the bidding process
for the hydroelectric plant,

the five million dollar commission,
your account in the Cayman Islands.

How could you do
this to me, Rodolfo?

I was forced to. I tried to resist...

but it was a lot of money, Carol.

Five million dollars, Carol.
Five million.

You know what this can cost us,
just because of five million dollars?

We can lose everything.

Nobody will ever know a thing.
I did everything right.

You did everything wrong, Rodolfo.

I found out about it
in less than a week.

You acted like
an ordinary pickpocket.

It won't be very hard to get to you,
and if they get to you

they'll get to me.

Well, what are you
going to do about it?

Me? Nothing. You are.

Whatever the results, good or bad,
significant or insignificant,

positive or negative,

everything that happens
in your exterior world

is a reflection
of your interior world.

In other words, if your exterior life
isn't going too well

that's because your interior life
is kind of shady.

The key to success
is to arouse your energy.

Close your eyes.

And once aroused,
people will seek you.

And when they do,
charge them.

Ten minute break. Let's go.
Sarasvati!

Sarasvati!

Are you okay, Carol?
Did something happen?

I can't talk now, but a few words
from you would soothe me.

A beautiful woman's heart
is a shiny crystal,

which broken cuts
the imprudent man's hand.

Only you can appease me.

What's this, Carol?
People can see us.

Stop by my house at night.

What about your husband?

I don't have a husband anymore.

It was like a demon
whispering in my ear,

"Go for it, dude!"

Do we inherit
our fathers' demons?

Whatever the answer,
I went for it.

What a pile of shit
you got yourself into, Lalau Velasco!

Wow, Carol! You look so different.

This way I feel free,
free from guilt.

What if someone sees us?

Don't worry,
it's just the two of us.

Me, you and the cosmos.

Since the first time I saw you
I felt something inexplicable.

-An intense energy...
-First I need to have a drink.

-Champagne.
-I'd love some.

Cheers!

I'm sorry.
I'm so clumsy!

Who needs this?

Ms. Carol...

...you are hot!

Ladies, it is my humble pleasure
to introduce you

to His Holiness Friar Emil Pussass.

He says he is very pleased
to be here in Brazil

and that he is even more pleased
to know that you ladies

are willing to collaborate
in the noble assistance to the poor,

so many poor little souls
in the Transylvanian orphanages.

The holy man says that those
willing to contribute can do so

by depositing it in the urn
Sister Anastacia is holding.

I would suggest that contributions
be made only in cash, or jewels.

Praised be the Lord!

Praised be the Lord!

The saint says, "Thank you, kindly."

Hallelujah, my Lord!

Hallelujah, my Lord!

Carol...

I think I drank too much, Carol.

It's the champagne.

Soon you'll be okay.

Bob! Are you alright?

Zimba, my dear.

If I didn't know
it was you in that habit,

I may have asked your blessing.

I welcome the money,
but it wasn't necessary.

Just acting the part
would have satisfied me.

I know what you mean.

You think I come up with these shame
for the money? No.

It's all for the sake of the show.

Ms. Carol?

Ms. Carol?

Ms. Carol?

Ms. Carol?

Ms. Carol?

Ms. Carol?
Are you in there. Ms. Carol?

Dad, pack your bags, we gotta
get the hell out of here!

-What?
-I'm in trouble.

Wait a minute there,
that line is mine.

I'm not joking, dad.
I'm serious.

Tragedy struck. I need
you to pack your bags,

'cause we gotta get lost now.

What did you do, son?

-I didn't do anything, dad.
-What about the money?

Dad, forget the money.

Hide!
Hide in the bathroom.

-But why?
-Hurry up, I'll explain later.

-Tell daddy...
-Don't move.

Are you Bob Savanandra?

Who's asking?

Mr. Savanandra, you are under arrest
for the murder of Ms. Carol Gomide.

-Take it easy, people--
-Take him away.

You have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say may

and will be used against you
in a court of law.

-What about my preventive ha be as-corpus?
-What ha be as-corpus?

These images were recorded
by Ms. Carol's security system?

Do you recognize that person?

That's me.

Well, according to this footage
you arrived at Ms. Carol Gomide's house

around nine p.m.
Correct?

Yes. Approximately at that time.

And what were you doing
at Ms. Carol's house?

Discussing business?

Or was it private?

Private. Very private.

Was it intimate?

Do you want to know
if we had sex?

Did you?

No. Actually, I'm not sure.

I got there, we drank,
I drank a little too much

and I passed out, puff.

When I woke up I looked at her
and she was dead.

But I didn't kill her.

Is this gun yours?

Of course not.
I don't have a gun, people.

I never had one.

This is the gun
that killed Ms. Carol,

and your fingerprints
are on it,

which means
you fired it recently.

Probably to fire the two shots
that killed Ms. Carol.

I didn't kill... I didn't kill anybody.
I already said that!

Then what happened?

I don't remember?
As I said, I drank too much,

puff, passed out,
and don't remember anything else.

At what time did you leave
Ms. Carol's house?

Between eight and nine o'clock.

I woke up, looked at her,
panicked and ran.

The maid said there
was no one home.

That's because I left,
out the window.

Out the window
like a thief.

I was scared.
When I looked at her she was dead.

I just thought I had
to get out of there fast.

That's not me.

Ms. Carol was killed between
two and three a.m.

-The same time you left the house.
-That's not me.

You'd better collaborate,
Mr. Savanandra.

I'm not...
I'm not Bob Savanandra.

My name is Stanislau Velasco,
aka Lalau Velasco.

-I'm, I'm an actor.
-What are you saying?

I was hired by journalist
Flora Beltrao to impersonate

this Bob Savanandra character
and do some workshops

he was supposed
to do here in Brazil.

That's the craziest story
I've ever heard.

Please have a seat.

Do you recognize this gentleman?

Of course.
He's Bob Savanandra.

What do you mean?
It's me Lalau.

You hired me in Ceara.

Mr. Savanandra, I did hire you,
but in the United States.

I brought copies
of the e-mails we exchanged

including the receipt
for your advance.

No, Flora. Quit joking.
It's me Lalau Velasco.

You hired me
to impersonate Bob Savanandra.

I don't know who is this Velasco.
You're Bob Savanandra to me.

80 Bob, do you deny this?

-What did he do?
-He murdered Ms. Carol Gomide.

Ms. Carol!
How could you do such a thing?

I didn't kill anyone,
and my name's not Bob Savanandra.

-People, I'm Lalau Velasco.
-Take him away.

This woman is a liar!
I didn't do anything!

She's lying! My name's Lalau Velasco.
I'm an actor!

I spent all night awake
trying to figure out

what had happened.

I knew I hadn't killed Carol.

And it was evident that Flora
was involved in her death.

But why would she create
such a farce?

Who could help me? Nobody.

I was fucked.

Guru, someone's here to see you.
It's your lawyer.

Dad!

Speak low. Right now
I'm your lawyer

Fragoso Leitao.

Oh, no! And since when
do you know anything

about being a lawyer, dad?

Since I acted in that play,
"Light Shines On Everyone,"

staring Fernanda Montenegro.

I studied hard,
rehearsed a lot,

won the Moliére Prize
for that play.

Don't give me that, dad.
This is serious.

This is gonna
complicate me even more.

Don't worry, son.
Nothing will go right.

I'm fucked!

Relax. Be patient.
I'll get you out of here.

Now tell me, how you got
involved in this mess?

It was a set up, dad.

I told the old man the whole story.
That I had been hired by Flora,

that I had impersonated
Bob Savanandra,

and how I ended up in bed
with Ms. Carol dead.

All I know is that I didn't kill
Ms. Carol, dad.

There's no doubt somebody
pulled a date rape on you.

A toxicological exam?

Exactly. My client says
he was drugged.

I demand he be examined.

We will, but it won't do any good.

There are fingerprints,
traces of gunpowder on his fingers,

and there's the footage,
that shows your client

leaving Ms. Carol's house
minutes after she was murdered.

-Can I see the footage?
-Sure.

You can't see the face.

Is that necessary? The only
nut case dressed like an Indian

who had gone to Ms. Carol's house
was your client.

There's something wrong here,

and I'm going to find out
what it is.

It's a waste of time.

My regrets.

My regrets.

Thank you.

My regrets.

Thank you.

Ms. Carol was a very dear person.

Very dear indeed.

They left together.
Did anything happen?

Well, I didn't see anything,
but it sure looked like

something was going on.

Tell me, did Ms. Carol
say anything that could,

that could give us a lead?

No. I mean, she was upset.

She disappeared after the party.

She disappeared from my sight.

She seemed weird
when she came back.

Actually she was very upset.

I remember she cried
and I had to comfort her.

So you took advantage of the situation
and took the lady to bed,

-didn't you, you scoundrel?
-This is serious, dude!

But something
must have happened

to make her so upset.

I remember that at a certain point
she asked Rodolfo

to entertain me
and left to speak to some guy.

What guy?

This guy here.

Where is he? Here, see?

By the way, it was after she came back
from talking to him that she,

that she looked really upset.

Here are the results
from the toxicological exam.

We did find a large amount
of flunitrezepan in your client's blood,

which is the active component
in several sleeping pills.

Then my client was right,
he was drugged.

That does not exclude
the other evidences.

Your client may have murdered
Ms. Carol before he passed out.

Maybe, and maybe not.
There is doubt.

"In dubio pro reo",
as put it the Romans.

"Data venia,"
the jury will decide that.

I'm sorry, but this seat is taken.

Not anymore.

Ms. Carol hasn't even cooled down
in the grave and here you are.

Why are you celebrating?

What I do on my free time
is no one's business.

It's exactly what you do
on your free time that interests me.

For instance, what were you doing
before you went to Ms. Carol's house?

I know you went there.

And it wasn't to have
a drink with her.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

-Of course you know. Don't lie to me.
-Ouch! You're hurting me!

We know everything.
If you don't collaborate,

things will get tough on your side.

You do know that the weaker party
usually gets the blame.

But I have nothing
to do with this.

It's all her husband's fault.

-Her husband's?
-Yeah.

-Mr. Magalhaes?
-That's right.

I thought Ms. Carol was involved.

No. Ms. Carol didn't know a thing.

She - ouch - asked me to look into
the bidding process.

She got very upset when she found out
that he had tampered with the bid.

She knew that if the opposition
discovered about the fraud...

You're hurting me... ouch...

...running for senate
would be out of the question.

Now things are starting
to make sense.

What about the young lady?

What young lady?

The journalist Flora.

I heard that she was
seeing Mr. Magalhaes.

You know, everybody
has sex with everybody.

Except with you, right?

That's it!

-What is it, mister attorney?
-That's it!

Tell me, dad.
What is it that you found out?

Relax, young man.

You will have the privilege
to witness a great scene firsthand.

Is this why
you brought me here, chief?

To see my wife's murderer?

Haven't I gone through enough?

Relax, Mr. Magalhaes. There are
some points that need to be clarified

and we thought that maybe
you could give us a hand.

I'll do anything to help the Police
lock up this scoundrel.

Did you know that your wife
was having an affair

with Mr. Savanandra?

And you are...

I am Fragoso Leitao,
attorney at law.

But please answer
my question, Mr. Magalhaes.

Well, this is
a very delicate matter for me.

But I must confess
that I had my suspicions.

Carol was very much into
the spiritual thing.

She was quite a believer.

When she met this joker,
Carol was quite impressed.

I believe he may have taken advantage
of her interest in mysticism

to, to seduce her.

Maybe it wasn't my client
who seduced your wife,

but quite the contrary.

In what does that change things?
He went there and killed her.

Well, there is no doubt
that he went there,

but not to kill her.

Perhaps,

another person

knowing that Mr. Savanandra
was invited to your house

used that information,

hiding himself at the house
and waiting for the appropriate occasion

to act on it.

That's mere speculation.
The evidence shows that he killed her.

No. The evidence shows
that my client was there.

But not that he killed her.
Because...

the main thing is missing...
the motive.

And you are going to tell us
what the motive is, mister...

Fragoso Leitao, attorney at law.

Well, let's say I have
a great story to tell.

Would you like to hear it?

Since I was brought here
for no reason, carry on.

It all began with a bid
for the construction

of a big hydroelectric
plant in Ceara.

A very expensive
construction at the cost

of hundreds of millions of dollars.

The winner of the bid was facilitated
by someone at the cost

of a five million dollar commission,

that would be given
as a contribution

to Ms. Carol's campaign for senate.

Someone very close to Ms. Carol
used her name as leverage,

made a deal
with the construction company

and received five million dollars,

that were never deposited
in Ms. Carol's campaign account.

They were deposited in a secret
account in the Cayman Islands.

And who was that someone?

Well now, chief, her very own husband,
Mr. Rodolfo Magalhaes.

What is this? What are you saying?
Chief, this is absurd!

You brought me here
to be vilified by this guy?

Relax, Mr. Magalhaes.
As I said, this is just a story.

May I carry on?

Please do.

When Ms. Carol found out that
the bidding process had been fraudulent,

she was very upset.

She kicked him out of the house.

With just one blow
he lost everything,

his wife, his house, his job,

five million and his freedom.

Isn't that motive enough

for him to murder his wife?

To be fair to Mr. Magalhaes,

I doubt that he intended
to murder his wife.

He just wanted to stop her
from telling the truth.

And that was when he had the great
idea to exploit his wife's passion

for the fake Bob Savanandra
to put pressure on her.

The idea was to catch them
in bed and then threaten her.

But unfortunately for him,
only my client was doped.

-No, Rodolfo! Stay calm!
-I'm not going to jail!

So he decided to kill Ms. Carol,

making it look like
Bob Savanandra had done it.

What a fascinating story,
mister attorney. Fascinating!

But unfortunately the facts
do not support it.

The footage
from the security camera

show your client
leaving my house

a short while after killing my wife.

Can we please watch
that footage again?

Mr. Magalhaes, can you please tell us
what you are looking at?

Of course.

Your client leaving our house
right after murdering my wife.

That's not quite it. What you are
seeing is someone wearing

Bob Savanandra's clothes.

Perhaps someone who looks
very much like my client.

Where was I again, chief?

Oh, yes. At the point when
you kill your wife

and place put my client
in a delicate situation.

You were going to leave the house
but you remembered about

the security camera.

Since the camera showed Bob
Savanandra arriving at your house

it had to show him leaving it.

What is it that you want?
That the footage

not be used as evidence
against your client?

No. Quite the opposite.
I insist that they

be used as evidence.

Because they prove
my client's innocence...

And your guilt, Mr. Magalhaes.

There are other ways
to identify a person,

even when their faces
can't be seen.

There are marks,

birthmarks,

tattoos...

such as this one.

Would you care to check,
mister Chief of Police?

Nothing here.

Mr. Magalhaes, would you allow us
to examine your neck?

Mr. Rodolfo Magalhaes,
you are under arrest

for the murder
of Ms. Carol Gomide.

Brilliant, Ramon Velasco.
You were magnificent.

Having played
an attorney's role in a play

by Agatha Christie
was quite useful.

Life always imitates art.

Going on a trip?

They say that this time of year

the weather is great
at the Cayman Islands.

Who are you?

I'm Fragoso Leitao,
Mr. Bob Savanandra's attorney.

Actually, Lalau Velasco's attorney.

-And what do you want from me?
-That you keep you promise.

What do you mean?

I'm talking about the fifty-thousand
dollars you owe my client

for the great job he did for you
as an actor.

You should know by now
that your liver, your accomplice

Mr. Rodolfo Magalhaes,
as we speak, is at the police station

signing a confession
that he murdered Ms. Carol Gomide.

But my client and I decided
not implicate you

if you pay up the
fifty-thousand you owe him.

But that's blackmail!

What are fifty-thousand dollars,
compared to the five million

that await you
in the Cayman Islands?

Here's approximately
fifty-thousand dollars.

I think that's more than enough
to buy your silence.

Fair enough.

Don't forget the sunscreen.

The weather is very hot
where you're going to.

Excuse me.

Taxi!

Stop right there.
You're under arrest.

Wait. This must be
some kind of mistake.

You're hurting me!
That's my bag! That's my bag!

I want my lawyer...

Rosa!

With the dollars I earned
I went back to Ceara,

to my beach, to Rosa,

who actually did wait for me,

and I compensated her
for her dedication.

Oh, and I gave my dad
half of the money.

I thought he'd quit the shame,
the hoaxes, but to what avail

are fifty-thousand dollars
to someone who has two demons?

Two demons!

Come and try Doctor Ramon Velasco's
miraculous potion.

It's guaranteed to cure
erectile dysfunctions,

precocious ejaculation
and impotence.

A five hour erection guaranteed.

There's a limited stock.

Take it easy! Take it easy!

You can guess
what happened, right?

The elders who hadn't had sex for ages
decided to catch up

and drank two, three,
ten bottles of the potion at once.

The outcome: three heart attacks
and one casualty.

And that's the truth folks.

My dad had to hurry out of there,
and as far as I know

the old man's still on the run.

I'm serious. But I'm sure
that at any given moment,

when we least expect it,
he will show up,

yelling the same old line...

Let's get out of here, Lalau!

Shit, dad! Here too?

Let's go. A mode us got me
in trouble again.

Oh, no! Not again.
Don't you learn?

Don't worry, nothing will go right.

Nothing will go right

we might as well relax.

The smarter you are
the better you'll do

pretend

life has no rules
transgressing is alright

everyone is fine when they
just want to have fun

enjoy

nothing will get fixed

for you who insists
that things will change

better than just crying

is crying from laughing so hard.

Wise is he who laughs at pain

when nothing
can be done about it

no one can ban smirks

and laughs

life is a bitch
and you have to cope

and if you joke about it
people will applaud and laugh

and laugh

and laugh

no matter how bad the situation

life's about making
people laugh

the down will take
a pie in the face

if it makes everyone laugh

he falls off the tightrope
and goes on

if it makes everyone laugh

the buffoon bends over
and tears his pants

if it makes everyone laugh

slams his nose on a fake door

if it makes everyone laugh

Thank you and a big hug!