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1
00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,533
[rock music]
2
00:00:09,633 --> 00:00:12,267
*
3
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:15,700
- Does that say
"tea-bagging"?
4
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:20,200
- Yeah, we're studying
the American Revolution.
5
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:23,300
Oh, but that just says
"tea-bagging."
6
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:25,333
- No, I get it!
7
00:00:25,433 --> 00:00:27,433
Using your yoga Groupon
is much more important
8
00:00:27,533 --> 00:00:30,867
than supporting your kid's
broke-ass school!
9
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:35,533
Mrs. Jacobson just same-day
canceled on me so she could
10
00:00:35,633 --> 00:00:38,867
taint-bait some yogi with
her downward dog.
11
00:00:38,967 --> 00:00:40,333
- Deb, again?
12
00:00:40,433 --> 00:00:42,000
Every time you can't find
parent volunteers
13
00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:43,533
we're forced to do
lunch duty.
14
00:00:43,633 --> 00:00:46,100
- Yeah, and I'm not cut out
for manual labor, okay?
15
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,533
I don't even vacuum.
I own a Roomba.
16
00:00:48,633 --> 00:00:50,867
- Why am I the only one
who has a problem
17
00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:53,100
getting these self-centered,
d-bag parents
18
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,000
to come in
and volunteer for me?
19
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:57,900
- [clears throat]
- What?
20
00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:03,200
- Maybe if you were
a little less...
21
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:05,600
abrasive?
- Fuck that!
22
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,567
I'm not gonna mollycoddle a
bunch of whimpering
23
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:08,833
adult babies.
24
00:01:08,933 --> 00:01:11,467
They can go prison-bang
themselves.
25
00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:12,633
- [snickering]
26
00:01:12,733 --> 00:01:13,633
- What's so funny?
27
00:01:13,733 --> 00:01:16,100
- Oh, no, no.
28
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,367
I'm working
on my routine.
29
00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:20,833
The annual talent show at my
church is this weekend,
30
00:01:20,933 --> 00:01:24,267
and I'm gonna do a
stand-up comedy.
31
00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:26,233
Wanna hear a joke?
- Okay.
32
00:01:26,333 --> 00:01:30,400
- Why do they always have so
many donuts after church?
33
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:33,600
I mean,
are we worshipping God...
34
00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:36,133
or getting fat?
35
00:01:36,233 --> 00:01:41,300
Do the math, people!
[laughs]
36
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:42,567
Right?
37
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,667
Because of course
we're worshipping God.
38
00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:47,433
- Mary Louise, do yourself
and everyone else a favor--
39
00:01:47,533 --> 00:01:50,133
- And keeping writing new jokes!
- Okay.
40
00:01:50,233 --> 00:01:52,200
- I'd love to hear
something edgier.
41
00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:54,600
- All right,
but bring your BAND-AIDs
42
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:57,667
'cause someone might get cut.
[laughs]
43
00:01:57,767 --> 00:02:00,733
[rock music]
44
00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:01,800
*
45
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,367
- * Take down *
46
00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:05,867
- * Surfboard
- Oh, Chelsea.
47
00:02:05,967 --> 00:02:07,400
- * Surfboard
- Chelsea?
48
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:08,867
- * Surfboard
- Chelsea!
49
00:02:08,967 --> 00:02:10,267
- * Surfboard
50
00:02:10,367 --> 00:02:12,067
- Could someone else please
tell this idiot
51
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:13,933
that she has a new ESL student
coming in?
52
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:16,400
- * Yeah, we're surfin'
'cause we're best friends *
53
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:18,067
- Ew.
- * And we're hangin' out
54
00:02:18,167 --> 00:02:19,100
- Stop.
- Okay,
55
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,200
you have
a new student today.
56
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:21,800
- Ooh,
I hope they're stylish.
57
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,700
This year my whole class
is off-the-rack.
58
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,533
- [whispering] Yeah.
59
00:02:25,633 --> 00:02:28,533
[rock music]
60
00:02:28,633 --> 00:02:31,900
*
61
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:36,200
- It's like looking at a room
full of Sears mannequins.
62
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,833
Oh, my God, that's right off
the kids' runway in mini-Milan.
63
00:02:42,933 --> 00:02:44,367
Hey, sweetie!
64
00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:47,167
You must be my lucky
new student.
65
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,967
Ah, look at you!
We could be twins!
66
00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:52,500
[laughs]
67
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,567
Great dress.
68
00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:58,500
Usually when someone tells me
I have a nice dress
69
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,467
I return the complement.
70
00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:02,567
Like, for instance,
you could compliment my
71
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:07,533
perfectly arched eyebrows,
and protruding clavicle.
72
00:03:07,633 --> 00:03:11,400
A diva. I like it.
What's you name?
73
00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:13,233
[speaks Swedish]
74
00:03:13,333 --> 00:03:15,900
Oh, my God,
you poor thing.
75
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:19,200
You're not American!
76
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,400
[rock music]
77
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,733
*
78
00:03:24,833 --> 00:03:27,067
- Hey, I need some volunteers
for lunch duty this week.
79
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,100
Sign up.
- Yeah, this week's bad.
80
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,900
We're getting audited at work.
81
00:03:33,067 --> 00:03:35,333
Sorry.
- No, I get it.
82
00:03:35,433 --> 00:03:37,567
I had a dad who worked
too much, too.
83
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:40,567
We don't talk anymore,
so I'm no longer such a burden.
84
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:43,367
Terry, help me out.
Lunch duty. I'm signing you up.
85
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:44,967
- So sorry,
gotta take this!
86
00:03:45,067 --> 00:03:49,233
- That's a Nutri-Grain bar,
Terry!
87
00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:52,633
Less abrasive.
Less abrasive.
88
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,333
Sir, excuse me! Sir...
89
00:03:55,433 --> 00:03:57,933
Oh. Mrs. Foster.
Ah, I'm so sorry.
90
00:03:58,067 --> 00:03:59,367
I was just wondering
if there was any way
91
00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:01,367
you could possibly
sign up for lunch...
92
00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:02,733
Right.
93
00:04:02,833 --> 00:04:05,533
Took it up the ass and I didn't
even get a volunteer.
94
00:04:05,633 --> 00:04:06,700
[bell ringing]
95
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,867
- I mean, I know I'm beyond
amazing with kids,
96
00:04:08,967 --> 00:04:11,933
but never had a non-English
speaking student before.
97
00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:13,233
- You'll be fine.
98
00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:15,467
I had this kid from
Vietnam last year,
99
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,667
he didn't learn much
English from me,
100
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:21,500
but now, I can say
"suck my dick" in Vietnamese:
101
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,600
Su cuac!
102
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:26,500
- You're right. My natural charm
transcends all languages.
103
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,367
- Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:30,367
[cell phones chirping]
105
00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:33,533
- Fan out. The sixth graders are
passing around porn again.
106
00:04:33,633 --> 00:04:34,900
- [groans]
107
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,500
- We're on erection detection
for the rest of the day.
108
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:40,233
Nothing can derail
a lesson on the Apaches
109
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:42,767
more than a kid's
first public hard-on.
110
00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:43,767
- Ugh.
111
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,400
[rock music]
112
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:48,200
Oh, oh, okay.
Here's another edgy one.
113
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:49,667
- [sighs]
114
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,400
Why do parents let their kids
watch Donald Duck?
115
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,300
I mean, the guy's got
no pants on.
116
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,200
Do the math, people!
[laughs]
117
00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:00,900
- [chuckles]
- I'm having fun!
118
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,367
- Wow.
119
00:05:02,467 --> 00:05:04,400
These are really funny.
- I know.
120
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:07,767
- But I bet you would do even
better with observational humor.
121
00:05:07,867 --> 00:05:10,867
You know, everyday things
that everyone can relate to.
122
00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:13,667
- Oh! Okay. I got it.
123
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:17,333
Why do they call it
a cafeteria?
124
00:05:17,433 --> 00:05:21,167
I mean, it's not a cafe...
125
00:05:21,267 --> 00:05:24,300
and it's not a teria.
126
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,200
Do the math, people!
[laughs]
127
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:31,700
Okay, somebody get a hose!
I'm on fire.
128
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,133
[rock music]
129
00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:36,400
- Deb has got to get some
volunteers.
130
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:38,200
I haven't spent so much time
in the kitchen
131
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,067
since my father fired
the staff for drinking.
132
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:43,367
- Actually, I snagged 300
frozen French toast sticks,
133
00:05:43,467 --> 00:05:45,467
so it worked out for me.
134
00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:48,600
- Oh my God.
Her boobs are huge!
135
00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:50,933
- Hey! What did we tell you
at lunch?
136
00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:53,267
No more porn.
137
00:05:53,367 --> 00:05:56,100
- "Harry Pooter and
the Sorcerer's Bone"?
138
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,667
- It's Mrs. Adler!
139
00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:06,133
- That's how she paid
for Oberlin.
140
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:08,867
* Take down
141
00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:11,067
* Take down
142
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:13,467
- Last night, I re-watched
the movie that inspired me
143
00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:15,067
to get into education.
144
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,133
It's about a teacher who works
with a foreign girl.
145
00:06:17,233 --> 00:06:18,567
- That's awesome.
What's it called?
146
00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:20,933
- "The Miracle Worker."
- She's not foreign.
147
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:24,133
She blind and deaf
and she's Helen Keller.
148
00:06:24,233 --> 00:06:26,067
- Whatever, it gave me
hope for Annika.
149
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:29,633
Hope for Annika. That will be
the title of our movie.
150
00:06:29,733 --> 00:06:31,833
- Hey, guys!
Check it out.
151
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:34,567
I got a stand-up comedy
blazer last night.
152
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,167
And I wrote some of those
153
00:06:36,267 --> 00:06:38,333
observational jokes
you suggested.
154
00:06:38,433 --> 00:06:40,867
Wanna hear one?
- Okay.
155
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,633
- Hey, ladies!
I've been noticing a lot of you
156
00:06:43,733 --> 00:06:45,500
have been wearing sneakers.
157
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,667
Why do they call 'em sneakers?
They're not sneaky.
158
00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:50,633
They're right there!
On your feet!
159
00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:52,433
Do the math, people!
[laughs]
160
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:55,633
- Is that a joke?
Oh, [laughs].
161
00:06:55,733 --> 00:07:00,567
- That is, my time!
I'm out!
162
00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:03,667
- We can't let you go on
like this.
163
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:05,967
- Yeah. That's the worse thing
that's ever happened to me,
164
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:08,067
and I was water-boarded
to get into my sorority.
165
00:07:08,133 --> 00:07:11,633
- We need to talk to you.
It's about Deb.
166
00:07:11,733 --> 00:07:14,667
- I've been a bad wizard.
167
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,500
- Oh, no!
168
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:17,900
[whip slap]
- Ah!
169
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:20,067
- Eah!
- Ah! Ah!
170
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:24,833
- If you're good,
I'll put it in your Dumbledore.
171
00:07:24,933 --> 00:07:29,667
Heerah!
- Whooooa!
172
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:31,700
- I mean, it has to be
her, right?
173
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,933
- No, no! I mean,
I know Deb has a fiery temper,
174
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:38,667
but I can't imagine she'd spank
a poor old wizard like that.
175
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:40,767
- Well, if it is her,
she should be proud.
176
00:07:40,867 --> 00:07:43,333
This is the best parody porn
I've seen since
177
00:07:43,433 --> 00:07:44,700
"Who's Eating Out
Gilbert Grape."
178
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,567
- Someone should warn her.
- Not me.
179
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,400
- If there's one person
who would kill the messenger,
180
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:49,733
it's Deb.
- Yeah.
181
00:07:49,833 --> 00:07:51,433
I'm not gonna
be the one to tell her
182
00:07:51,533 --> 00:07:53,333
the entire school
has seen her sodomize Voldemort
183
00:07:53,433 --> 00:07:56,267
with a Quidditch broom.
184
00:07:56,367 --> 00:08:01,233
- Ah! Ah! Ah...
185
00:08:01,333 --> 00:08:04,233
[rock music]
186
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:06,633
*
187
00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:08,233
- What are you doing
in my class?
188
00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:11,800
- Hi, Ben Ross, Matt's dad.
I'm here to submit.
189
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:14,133
To be a volunteer.
- Yeah, me too.
190
00:08:14,233 --> 00:08:18,800
Tell us whatever you want us to
do, and we will do it.
191
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:20,567
- Are you guys
yanking my chain?
192
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,400
- Do you want us too?
- What?
193
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:26,167
No one ever volunteers
for me.
194
00:08:26,267 --> 00:08:28,367
Why are you all suddenly here?
195
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:31,400
- Because I admire
the work you do.
196
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:32,700
- Yes, same here.
197
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,600
I recently became aware
of your amazing work.
198
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:37,633
- We will do whatever
you tell us.
199
00:08:37,733 --> 00:08:39,767
- Yes.
[all laugh]
200
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:43,300
- Okay, um, uh, you guys
are on hot lunch duty.
201
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,800
- Hot.
202
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,700
- Go to the cafeteria
and toss some salad.
203
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,333
- He's gonna need a partner.
May I go with?
204
00:08:50,433 --> 00:08:51,967
- Fine.
- Yes!
205
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:56,533
- Uh, and the rest of you...
go organize the shelves.
206
00:08:58,300 --> 00:08:59,567
Wanna help?
Get on your knees!
207
00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:02,433
- Now we're talking!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
208
00:09:02,533 --> 00:09:05,067
[chuckles]
209
00:09:06,467 --> 00:09:08,167
- Now!
210
00:09:08,267 --> 00:09:09,833
- Wa-ter.
211
00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:11,167
[speaking Swedish]
212
00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:13,433
- Say it. Wa-ter.
213
00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:16,767
- No. Water.
214
00:09:18,333 --> 00:09:19,867
- Oh!
215
00:09:19,967 --> 00:09:21,600
I see so much
of myself in you!
216
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,900
And I don't want you
to fail me!
217
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:27,067
- Hey, Annie Sullivan,
you shouldn't do that.
218
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,367
- I will use any means
to break through to her.
219
00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:31,633
- No, Deb drank from
that water fountain.
220
00:09:31,733 --> 00:09:33,367
- Hmm.
- Do you want to get
221
00:09:33,467 --> 00:09:36,467
Oral Hogwarts?
222
00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:38,167
- Group A, go to my class,
223
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:40,667
put up the great women
in history mobiles.
224
00:09:40,767 --> 00:09:43,233
Group B, go litter patrol
the playground.
225
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:47,767
Hey, guys, I'm totally
overwhelmed with volunteers.
226
00:09:47,867 --> 00:09:49,133
Do either of you
need some?
227
00:09:49,233 --> 00:09:50,900
- Actually, Deb--
- Well, tough shit!
228
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:54,767
Maybe you should try
being a little more...abrasive.
229
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,200
[rock music]
230
00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:07,267
* Take down *
231
00:10:07,367 --> 00:10:09,133
* Take down
232
00:10:12,433 --> 00:10:14,900
- Thank you.
233
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,800
- Do, Deb, have you wondered
why you suddenly
234
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:19,833
have so many male
volunteers?
235
00:10:19,933 --> 00:10:21,667
- I guess guys are just
learning to be
236
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,533
less intimidated by
a strong woman.
237
00:10:24,633 --> 00:10:26,700
Scrub those dishes harder!
238
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,767
- Yes, mistress!
Much harder.
239
00:10:30,867 --> 00:10:34,267
Deb, there's something
you should see.
240
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:39,133
- If you behave, I'll let you
tear my Hermione.
241
00:10:39,233 --> 00:10:40,733
- Oh, my God!
242
00:10:40,833 --> 00:10:44,233
- I'm in awe. Porn has always
been my dream job
243
00:10:44,333 --> 00:10:47,433
if teaching falls through,
and now, thanks to you,
244
00:10:47,533 --> 00:10:51,667
I feel like if I have to,
I can reach for the stars.
245
00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:53,133
- That's not me.
246
00:10:53,233 --> 00:10:55,100
- Deb, you don't have
to be ashamed.
247
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,067
I watched the whole thing.
You have a beautiful vagina.
248
00:10:58,167 --> 00:11:01,667
- I told you, that's not me!
She just looks like me.
249
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:04,433
Guys, check out this tattoo.
250
00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:06,067
- Oh.
251
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,600
- Why'd you get a Chuckie
tattoo on your boob?
252
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:10,133
- It's my husband!
253
00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:13,133
And she doesn't have that
tattoo.
254
00:11:13,233 --> 00:11:14,700
Oh, my God.
255
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,967
So that's why
all those dudes volunteered?
256
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:21,333
I gotta go
set them straight.
257
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:29,800
- What? I'm not taking
any chances.
258
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:32,233
She may have gang-banged
all of Hufflepuff.
259
00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:34,867
- Hey, guys?
Uh, listen,
260
00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:37,400
there's something
I need to tell all of you.
261
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,067
- You can tell us
anything you want.
262
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:42,900
- Holy crap. You really got
those things clean.
263
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,267
- If you find anything dirty,
264
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,767
you're fully within
your rights to punish us.
265
00:11:46,867 --> 00:11:48,167
- Oh, [laughs],
266
00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:50,500
that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
267
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,700
- I didn't have anything to do,
so I took your keys
268
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,067
and had your car detailed.
269
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,567
Oh, and I filled up
the tank, too.
270
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:58,267
- You did?
- Hey, I'm done,
271
00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:00,067
so if you want,
I can give you a foot massage.
272
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:02,467
- I can drop off your
dry cleaning.
273
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:04,367
- Wait, what did you
want to tell us?
274
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:07,267
- That...
275
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:11,967
I don't think you're
working hard enough.
276
00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:14,400
So you are gonna pick up
my dry cleaning,
277
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,733
you are gonna give me that
foot massage,
278
00:12:16,833 --> 00:12:19,233
and the rest of you,
back to work
279
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:22,900
before I have
to discipline someone.
280
00:12:26,533 --> 00:12:29,667
[speaking Swedish]
281
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,067
- Ugh,
it is so depressing.
282
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:36,200
I just want to go to my room,
troll Tinder,
283
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,133
and eat cookie dough
until my mouth bleeds.
284
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:39,567
- Maybe you should
take a break.
285
00:12:39,667 --> 00:12:40,900
You're not a failure if you
286
00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:42,867
don't get through
to her right away.
287
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:44,933
- No,
she'll never learn if she
288
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:47,567
keeps acting
like a filthy animal!
289
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,233
Hey! Yeah--
290
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,067
Ooh!
- [gasp]
291
00:12:52,233 --> 00:12:54,233
[whimpers]
292
00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:56,400
- She hit me with
tater tots!
293
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:57,767
[rock music]
294
00:12:57,867 --> 00:13:02,067
- Do the math, people!
[laughs]
295
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:03,667
- Mary Louise, listen,
296
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:05,633
we're concerned
about your stand-up act.
297
00:13:05,733 --> 00:13:08,667
You are a sweet, kind and
smart...
298
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:10,100
ly dressed woman, but--
299
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,367
- We think you should do
something else
300
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:12,833
for the talent show, okay?
301
00:13:12,933 --> 00:13:15,567
Something you're good at,
like...
302
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:18,067
- Speed reciting proverbs
or the Irish tin whistle.
303
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:21,067
- Yes! Those are always a hit
at the holiday parties.
304
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:24,733
- Oh, I get it.
- Oh, thank Gaia.
305
00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:26,833
- You're jealous.
- Come again.
306
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:29,500
- I've been cracking
you guys up all week,
307
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,933
and you're jealous.
308
00:13:31,067 --> 00:13:33,267
I can't help it if God
309
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:36,133
chooses some of us
to be hysterical
310
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,533
and funny,
and get all the jokes.
311
00:13:38,633 --> 00:13:41,267
And everybody's like,
"Oh, Mary Louise
312
00:13:41,367 --> 00:13:43,933
and her little khakis
and her little cardigans."
313
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:45,533
Well, not anymore.
314
00:13:45,633 --> 00:13:48,167
'Cause I've been getting
knee-slappers and guffaws,
315
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:49,967
and know
that I have the power.
316
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:53,367
I will see you
on "Last Comic Standing"
317
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:55,767
in the fall.
318
00:13:58,067 --> 00:14:01,433
Do the math, people!
319
00:14:04,733 --> 00:14:07,867
[speaking Swedish]
320
00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:12,900
- Annika, no. Stop.
321
00:14:15,867 --> 00:14:17,267
- Forget it.
322
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:23,500
- Kim Kardashian.
323
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:27,633
- What did you just say?
324
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,833
- Kim Kardashian.
325
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:34,833
- Yes! Kim Kardashian!
326
00:14:34,933 --> 00:14:37,833
[inspirational music]
327
00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:46,067
*
328
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:53,267
Kim Kardashian
likes sex and money. Repeat.
329
00:14:53,367 --> 00:14:55,333
- Kim Kardashian
likes sex and money.
330
00:14:55,433 --> 00:14:56,633
- Yes!
331
00:14:56,733 --> 00:14:59,800
Jenny McCarthy thinks
she's a doctor. Repeat.
332
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,167
- Jenny McCarthy
thinks she's a doctor.
333
00:15:02,267 --> 00:15:03,400
- Yes!
334
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:06,300
Victoria Beckham
can't feel happiness. Repeat.
335
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,500
- Victoria Beckham
can't feel happiness.
336
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,500
- Yes! Yes!
337
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:12,967
- [laughs]
338
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:16,800
- I'm an amazing teacher.
[sobs]
339
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:20,067
- If it'll excite you,
I can clean out your drawers.
340
00:15:20,167 --> 00:15:21,500
- Shove it up your ass.
341
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,100
- Sure. What?
342
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,433
- Oh, no,
that's not what I meant.
343
00:15:24,533 --> 00:15:25,633
Take off, you weirdo.
344
00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:33,800
What are you looking at?
345
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,633
Ugh, I hate you!
346
00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:39,233
Stop sniffing my bag!
347
00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:42,667
Make yourself useful.
I'll get some rubber gloves.
348
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:43,667
- Rubber!
349
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:45,733
- So you can scrape the gum
350
00:15:45,833 --> 00:15:47,567
off the bottoms of the desks.
351
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:50,367
- Bottom!
- Oh, Jesus!
352
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:57,067
Oh!
Mr. Sebastian!
353
00:15:57,167 --> 00:16:00,167
Enough,
you assholes!
354
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:02,967
I'm not a porn star!
355
00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:06,200
I just look like that
woman in the videos.
356
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:10,467
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.
357
00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:12,600
Your love for your children
should motivate you
358
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:14,800
to volunteer, not your
sick perversions!
359
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:19,100
I mean, I swear I've never even
seen most of you before.
360
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,633
You! What's your
kid's name?
361
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,567
I knew it.
362
00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:28,400
- But you act
just like that porn star.
363
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:31,233
- Yeah, you're such
a dominating bitch.
364
00:16:31,333 --> 00:16:34,367
- I know.
Just not professionally.
365
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,900
I teach your children
and all I'm asking
366
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:39,167
is for a little help here.
367
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:43,500
Now, who's gonna step up
and volunteer next week?
368
00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:51,433
Unbelievable!
369
00:16:51,533 --> 00:16:54,933
- Hello? I have to pick up
my daughter at ballet.
370
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:58,433
Ohh!
371
00:16:58,533 --> 00:16:59,833
* Take down
372
00:17:00,067 --> 00:17:01,667
[both laughing]
373
00:17:01,767 --> 00:17:03,967
- Nicki Minaj
likes Laffy Taffy.
374
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:06,400
Do you like Laffy Taffy
like Nicki Minaj?
375
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:10,267
- Yes, I like Laffy Taffy
like Nicki Minaj.
376
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:13,900
- [laughs] Excellent.
Let's go do each other's nails.
377
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:15,433
- I can't tell if she's
the best teacher
378
00:17:15,533 --> 00:17:17,300
I've ever seen or the worst
teacher I've ever seen.
379
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,533
- I know what the "Hope for
Annika" poster going to say:
380
00:17:19,633 --> 00:17:21,867
"It wasn't Ms. Snap
who saved Annika,
381
00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:25,100
it was Annika
who saved Ms. Snap."
382
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:28,633
- She's the worst.
383
00:17:28,733 --> 00:17:29,833
[rock music]
384
00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:31,933
- What's up?
- Heading out?
385
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,500
- Yeah. I'm going to see
"Comfortably Numb, Mate."
386
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,067
They're an Australian Pink Floyd
cover band. Wanna come?
387
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:40,767
- Mm, I can't.
388
00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:42,300
Too much homework to grade.
389
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,433
- Sucks you lost all your
sex slave volunteers.
390
00:17:44,533 --> 00:17:46,467
- Believe me,
it's better this way.
391
00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:49,633
There's nothing enjoyable
about having a weak man
392
00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:51,533
groveling to fulfill
your every need.
393
00:17:51,633 --> 00:17:54,267
- Totally.
Smell ya later.
394
00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:58,967
- These calluses
are making me so hot.
395
00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:01,167
- Shut up
and work the arches!
396
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:03,533
- All right.
397
00:18:03,633 --> 00:18:05,400
- Oh!
398
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:08,133
- Do you ever get an email
from the dentist,
399
00:18:08,233 --> 00:18:09,900
telling you it's time to get
your teeth cleaned,
400
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:11,533
and you're like, "ahh...
401
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,967
I don't wanna
get my teeth cleaned."
402
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,933
Do the math, people!
- [crowd laughs]
403
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:20,700
- What's the deal with crabs?
Why do they walk like this?
404
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,300
Do the math, people!
- [crowd laughs]
405
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,733
- What's the deal with
baby carrots?
406
00:18:25,833 --> 00:18:27,067
What, are there a bunch
of carrots
407
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:28,367
going around having babies?
408
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:30,933
audience:
Do the math, people!
409
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:33,900
[laughter]
410
00:18:34,067 --> 00:18:36,100
Please, God,
help me to stay humble.
411
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:42,600
[rock music]
412
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:50,600
*
413
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,433
- * Take down
414
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:56,267
* Take down
415
00:18:56,367 --> 00:18:58,833
* Take down
416
00:18:58,933 --> 00:19:00,933
* Take down
29711
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