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1
00:00:07,551 --> 00:00:08,620
[school bell rings]
2
00:00:08,689 --> 00:00:10,172
- Okay, girlies, gather around.
3
00:00:10,241 --> 00:00:11,689
I am so excited
for our first meeting
4
00:00:11,758 --> 00:00:13,413
of Snap's Bomb-Ass
Fem Book Club,
5
00:00:13,482 --> 00:00:15,517
inspired by
Emma Watson's Instagram.
6
00:00:15,586 --> 00:00:17,103
Did everyone get a chance
to read
7
00:00:17,172 --> 00:00:19,275
the landmark feminist book
"The Baby-Sitters Club:
8
00:00:19,344 --> 00:00:20,862
Claudia and the Phantom
Phone Calls"?
9
00:00:20,931 --> 00:00:22,517
girls: Yes!
- Great!
10
00:00:22,586 --> 00:00:25,241
What were your favorite
"yas, queen" moments?
11
00:00:25,310 --> 00:00:26,862
- I thought it was really cool
to see girls
12
00:00:26,931 --> 00:00:28,310
as small business owners.
13
00:00:28,379 --> 00:00:30,137
- Yaaas, Margot!
14
00:00:30,206 --> 00:00:31,862
We don't see that enough.
15
00:00:31,931 --> 00:00:33,655
- I like when they trapped
the guy who was making
16
00:00:33,724 --> 00:00:35,758
the harassing telephone calls.
17
00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,344
- Yaaas, Francine!
18
00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:39,896
Ugh. That was a total
Time's Up moment.
19
00:00:39,965 --> 00:00:42,137
People tend to think
harassment is a new trend,
20
00:00:42,206 --> 00:00:45,275
but this book proves it existed
as far back as the '80s.
21
00:00:45,344 --> 00:00:46,655
- I also liked the way
the characters
22
00:00:46,724 --> 00:00:48,517
worked together
and supported each other.
23
00:00:48,586 --> 00:00:50,862
- Hmm. That's where
she almost lost me.
24
00:00:50,931 --> 00:00:53,310
Five women working
successfully together?
25
00:00:53,379 --> 00:00:56,000
It's just not realistic.
26
00:00:56,068 --> 00:00:58,137
Especially when some of them
are noticeably hotter
27
00:00:58,206 --> 00:00:59,482
than the others.
28
00:00:59,551 --> 00:01:00,551
- I love Ann M. Martin.
29
00:01:00,620 --> 00:01:02,689
Female writers are so cool.
30
00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:04,931
- They are so cool.
31
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,413
Yaaas, fem lit!
[laughs]
32
00:01:06,482 --> 00:01:08,620
[rock music]
33
00:01:08,689 --> 00:01:11,068
- ♪ Teacher ♪
34
00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:13,000
♪ Oh ♪
35
00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:16,379
- Ugh.
This is exhausting.
36
00:01:16,448 --> 00:01:18,241
- You've only carried in
one box.
37
00:01:18,310 --> 00:01:19,862
- That's one box too many.
38
00:01:19,931 --> 00:01:21,379
Where is Mary-Louise?
39
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:23,689
The only reason I didn't
protest getting book fair duty
40
00:01:23,758 --> 00:01:25,827
was because I knew
she'd do all the work.
41
00:01:25,896 --> 00:01:28,034
- Seriously.
I'm not unloading dick.
42
00:01:28,103 --> 00:01:29,586
Baby's orders.
43
00:01:29,655 --> 00:01:31,103
- Everybody, shut up!
44
00:01:31,172 --> 00:01:34,758
I have finally figured out
what my life's dream is.
45
00:01:34,827 --> 00:01:37,034
- To read
at a third-grade level?
46
00:01:37,103 --> 00:01:38,620
- No, Deb.
47
00:01:38,689 --> 00:01:40,931
- "Patty Parakeet
Breaks the Glass Ceiling"?
48
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,482
- It's by C.F. Blinky.
49
00:01:42,551 --> 00:01:44,379
She's the guest author
for this year's book fair.
50
00:01:44,448 --> 00:01:46,517
Her books are way feminist,
51
00:01:46,586 --> 00:01:48,448
and they teach girls
about bending over.
52
00:01:48,517 --> 00:01:49,965
- You mean leaning in?
53
00:01:50,034 --> 00:01:51,172
- Yeah, same thing.
54
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:52,793
I read her book this morning,
55
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:54,896
and I was so inspired by it--
and the fact
56
00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:56,931
that she was a featured friend
on "The Real Housewives
57
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,793
of Potomac"--
that I have decided
58
00:01:58,862 --> 00:02:01,482
to be a children's author
just like her!
59
00:02:01,551 --> 00:02:03,896
- You're going to write
a children's book?
60
00:02:03,965 --> 00:02:05,379
- Yeah.
61
00:02:05,448 --> 00:02:07,586
They're, like, 20 words
spread out over eight pages.
62
00:02:07,655 --> 00:02:10,206
I tweet the equivalent
of ten children's books a day.
63
00:02:10,275 --> 00:02:11,793
- So what are you
gonna write about?
64
00:02:11,862 --> 00:02:14,275
- I don't know,
which is why I want to talk
65
00:02:14,344 --> 00:02:15,896
to a professional
like C.F. Blinky,
66
00:02:15,965 --> 00:02:19,758
who, by the way, is friends
with Reese Witherspoon.
67
00:02:19,827 --> 00:02:21,103
[brace squeaking]
68
00:02:21,172 --> 00:02:22,275
- Hey, guys.
69
00:02:22,344 --> 00:02:24,000
Sorry I'm tardy to the party.
70
00:02:24,068 --> 00:02:25,517
- Mary-Louise, what happened?
71
00:02:25,586 --> 00:02:27,275
- Oh, I pulled
my erector spinae
72
00:02:27,344 --> 00:02:30,379
reaching for a Sour Patch Kid
that rolled under my car seat.
73
00:02:30,448 --> 00:02:32,172
- Oh, crap.
So you can't lift anything?
74
00:02:32,241 --> 00:02:34,655
Would you feel better if you
got to smell Chelsea's hair?
75
00:02:34,724 --> 00:02:37,034
- Nah. It's her fifth day
with dry shampoo.
76
00:02:37,103 --> 00:02:39,620
It won't be nice and fresh
till another two.
77
00:02:42,344 --> 00:02:43,413
Not to worry, though!
78
00:02:43,482 --> 00:02:44,586
I called some movers
to help us.
79
00:02:44,655 --> 00:02:48,241
They should be here
any... minute.
80
00:02:48,310 --> 00:02:50,517
[swanky rock music]
81
00:02:50,586 --> 00:02:52,310
- Moving Hunks?
82
00:02:52,379 --> 00:02:53,793
♪ ♪
83
00:02:53,862 --> 00:02:57,103
- I thought they meant
like hunks of furniture
84
00:02:57,172 --> 00:02:58,344
or hunks of trash,
not hunks of--
85
00:02:58,413 --> 00:03:01,379
- Meaty man muscle?
- [sighs]
86
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:03,655
- How did you find these guys?
87
00:03:03,724 --> 00:03:05,413
- Pastor Ted recommended them.
88
00:03:05,482 --> 00:03:08,482
He said he uses them whenever
he has to do any heavy lifting.
89
00:03:08,551 --> 00:03:11,172
He's always rearranging
the rectory.
90
00:03:11,241 --> 00:03:13,655
♪ ♪
91
00:03:13,724 --> 00:03:15,620
- I have to go.
- Wait.
92
00:03:15,689 --> 00:03:18,206
You're not gonna stay around
for a good eye-bone?
93
00:03:18,275 --> 00:03:21,172
- No. I am currently
pursuing loftier goals
94
00:03:21,241 --> 00:03:22,655
than getting lost
in chiseled abs,
95
00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:24,206
a tight butt,
or how the muscles
96
00:03:24,275 --> 00:03:25,448
perfectly shape
into that deep V
97
00:03:25,517 --> 00:03:26,448
right above that thick D!
98
00:03:26,517 --> 00:03:27,413
[gasps]
Whoo!
99
00:03:27,482 --> 00:03:29,379
[laughs]
100
00:03:29,448 --> 00:03:30,689
Yeah.
101
00:03:30,758 --> 00:03:32,551
I sacrifice for my art.
102
00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:36,413
[irreverent rock music]
103
00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:39,655
- You look like a low-rent
limo driver at O'Hare.
104
00:03:39,724 --> 00:03:41,965
- I want to make C.F. Blinky
feel taken care of
105
00:03:42,034 --> 00:03:44,241
from the moment she sets foot
on Fillmore soil.
106
00:03:44,310 --> 00:03:45,827
- Then why have you been eating
107
00:03:45,896 --> 00:03:48,000
the cookie bouquet
the school got her?
108
00:03:48,068 --> 00:03:50,724
- I sampled the product
to make sure it was up to par.
109
00:03:50,793 --> 00:03:51,931
It is.
110
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,275
- Hi.
I'm here for the book fair.
111
00:03:54,344 --> 00:03:57,827
- C.F. Blinky in da house!
112
00:03:57,896 --> 00:03:59,172
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my gosh.
113
00:03:59,241 --> 00:04:00,758
So nice to meet you!
114
00:04:00,827 --> 00:04:02,896
Chelsea Snap. Huge fan.
115
00:04:02,965 --> 00:04:04,586
Huuuge.
116
00:04:04,655 --> 00:04:06,655
- What's wrong with you?
Thank you.
117
00:04:06,724 --> 00:04:08,103
- I'll take it from here,
Mavis.
118
00:04:08,172 --> 00:04:10,137
That's Mavis. She sorts paper.
119
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:11,413
- Oh.
120
00:04:11,482 --> 00:04:13,689
- I'll be your liaison
while you're here.
121
00:04:13,758 --> 00:04:14,862
Is Brent in his office, Mavis?
122
00:04:14,931 --> 00:04:16,965
- No, but you can't go--
- Great!
123
00:04:17,034 --> 00:04:19,379
Right this way, C.F.
[giggling]
124
00:04:19,448 --> 00:04:20,344
[whispering]
Get lost.
125
00:04:20,413 --> 00:04:21,965
[sighs]
126
00:04:22,034 --> 00:04:23,965
It is so good to have a fellow
writer visit the school.
127
00:04:24,034 --> 00:04:26,137
- Oh, you're a writer too?
- Oh, yeah.
128
00:04:26,206 --> 00:04:27,689
I'm published on Twitter.
129
00:04:27,758 --> 00:04:29,137
- Oh.
130
00:04:29,206 --> 00:04:30,931
- I'm actually writing
my first children's book.
131
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,413
It's totally feminist
and awesome.
132
00:04:32,482 --> 00:04:33,896
- Oh.
133
00:04:33,965 --> 00:04:35,344
- So, what are you
writing right now?
134
00:04:35,413 --> 00:04:36,517
- Oh, you know,
I'm in the process
135
00:04:36,586 --> 00:04:37,551
of outlining my next book.
136
00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:39,103
It's about a cat named Rachel.
137
00:04:39,172 --> 00:04:40,551
- Uh-huh.
138
00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:42,172
- Yeah, who opens,
um, a no-kill shelter.
139
00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:43,172
- Oh, that's good.
140
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:44,655
- Yeah, Rachel wants to help
141
00:04:44,724 --> 00:04:46,965
her fellow female felines--
see, it's alliteration.
142
00:04:47,034 --> 00:04:48,655
- That's really good.
That'll work.
143
00:04:48,724 --> 00:04:51,000
Now, is it Rachel with an A
or the normal way?
144
00:04:52,206 --> 00:04:54,551
- What are you doing?
145
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:56,517
- I'm gathering ideas
for my book.
146
00:04:56,586 --> 00:04:58,689
- Okay, but you know
that's plagiarism, right?
147
00:04:58,758 --> 00:05:00,862
- I'm gonna change
the cat's name.
148
00:05:00,931 --> 00:05:02,862
- Well, then, why did you
ask me how to spell it?
149
00:05:02,931 --> 00:05:05,137
- So I would use
a different spelling!
150
00:05:05,206 --> 00:05:06,413
[laughs]
Duh.
151
00:05:06,482 --> 00:05:07,931
- Okay, if you want
to be an author,
152
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,862
you have to tell
your own story.
153
00:05:10,931 --> 00:05:12,517
- Wow.
- Yeah.
154
00:05:12,586 --> 00:05:14,379
- You are such a good mentor.
155
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:16,482
- Uh, no, I'm not your mentor.
156
00:05:16,551 --> 00:05:18,103
- Yes. You are.
157
00:05:18,172 --> 00:05:20,137
- No, a mentorship
works two ways.
158
00:05:20,206 --> 00:05:21,620
It has to be consensual.
159
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,655
- Uh-huh. I consent.
160
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:24,724
[percussive sting]
161
00:05:24,793 --> 00:05:27,172
[smooth pop music]
162
00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:31,758
♪ ♪
163
00:05:31,827 --> 00:05:34,379
[man vocalizing]
164
00:05:34,448 --> 00:05:35,448
- Yeah.
165
00:05:35,517 --> 00:05:37,448
♪ ♪
166
00:05:37,517 --> 00:05:38,724
[men grunting]
167
00:05:38,793 --> 00:05:40,482
- Okay.
- [sighs]
168
00:05:40,551 --> 00:05:42,206
I love the way
their veins bulge
169
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:44,724
when they lift things
from underneath.
170
00:05:44,793 --> 00:05:45,827
I wish they'd--
171
00:05:45,896 --> 00:05:48,241
all: Lift me from underneath.
172
00:05:48,310 --> 00:05:51,000
- [grunts]
173
00:05:51,068 --> 00:05:52,448
- So, this work?
174
00:05:52,517 --> 00:05:55,137
- No, I'm so sorry.
175
00:05:55,206 --> 00:05:57,620
I'm gonna need to see it
over there again.
176
00:05:57,689 --> 00:05:58,689
♪ ♪
177
00:05:58,758 --> 00:06:00,620
- Yeah.
- Okay.
178
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,620
- This is about played out.
What else can they move?
179
00:06:05,689 --> 00:06:06,965
- This feels wrong.
180
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,724
We're all in committed
relationships.
181
00:06:08,793 --> 00:06:11,034
We shouldn't be gawking
at these guys.
182
00:06:11,103 --> 00:06:13,689
- It's not cheating
if it's not physical.
183
00:06:13,758 --> 00:06:16,068
- You don't believe
in emotional cheating?
184
00:06:16,137 --> 00:06:17,206
- No.
185
00:06:17,275 --> 00:06:18,551
This isn't emotional.
186
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:21,655
The only thing crying
is my vagina.
187
00:06:21,724 --> 00:06:23,620
I'm just sayin'.
188
00:06:23,689 --> 00:06:24,862
She wet.
189
00:06:24,931 --> 00:06:27,310
[upbeat rock music]
190
00:06:27,379 --> 00:06:28,620
- C.F.?
191
00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:31,344
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!
[giggles]
192
00:06:31,413 --> 00:06:32,965
- Okay, I'm a little busy
right now--
193
00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:34,586
- I know.
- With the--with the children.
194
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,827
- These kids are everywhere.
195
00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:40,241
As part of our mentorship,
196
00:06:40,310 --> 00:06:42,172
I want to pitch a few
story ideas to you.
197
00:06:42,241 --> 00:06:43,931
- Again, I'm not your mentor.
- Okay.
198
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,965
So, it's a story
about an empowered female
199
00:06:46,034 --> 00:06:48,275
who is determined
to stand up for herself,
200
00:06:48,344 --> 00:06:50,000
so she confronts her boyfriend.
201
00:06:50,068 --> 00:06:52,758
"Why won't you
return my texts?"
202
00:06:52,827 --> 00:06:55,793
Working title:
this emoji...
203
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:02,379
- So, definitely not that.
204
00:07:02,448 --> 00:07:04,586
Do you have other ideas?
205
00:07:04,655 --> 00:07:06,517
- Oh. Let me see here.
206
00:07:06,586 --> 00:07:08,103
Uh-huh.
207
00:07:09,758 --> 00:07:11,758
That was actually my only idea.
208
00:07:11,827 --> 00:07:13,724
- [sighs]
Why don't you try one
209
00:07:13,793 --> 00:07:16,137
that doesn't revolve
around a boy?
210
00:07:16,206 --> 00:07:17,689
- Okay. Got it.
211
00:07:17,758 --> 00:07:19,793
It's a story about a girl
212
00:07:19,862 --> 00:07:21,517
hangin' in the park,
213
00:07:21,586 --> 00:07:23,241
talking to another girl.
214
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,827
- I like that.
215
00:07:24,896 --> 00:07:26,379
- And she says,
"Why won't my boyfriend
216
00:07:26,448 --> 00:07:27,551
return my texts?"
217
00:07:27,620 --> 00:07:28,689
- Oh, boy.
218
00:07:28,758 --> 00:07:30,068
Try one where the protagonist
219
00:07:30,137 --> 00:07:33,241
doesn't mention or interact
with men at all.
220
00:07:34,310 --> 00:07:35,758
- Okay, got it.
221
00:07:35,827 --> 00:07:39,310
It's a girl,
sitting in her apartment,
222
00:07:39,379 --> 00:07:41,034
alone.
223
00:07:41,103 --> 00:07:43,413
- And?
224
00:07:43,482 --> 00:07:44,551
What is she doing?
225
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:46,310
- Nothing, like you said.
226
00:07:46,379 --> 00:07:47,758
[sighs]
227
00:07:47,827 --> 00:07:49,275
How do you write a woman
without a man?
228
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,758
It's impossible!
229
00:07:50,827 --> 00:07:52,310
- What's this?
- These are just illustrations
230
00:07:52,379 --> 00:07:54,448
I made from the point of view
of the woman.
231
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:55,931
- Well, that's great.
232
00:07:57,689 --> 00:07:59,413
- They're just pictures of men.
233
00:08:03,758 --> 00:08:06,896
[exotic sitar music]
234
00:08:06,965 --> 00:08:08,379
- What are you doing?
235
00:08:08,448 --> 00:08:10,034
- Meditating.
236
00:08:10,103 --> 00:08:11,586
I thought my book idea
might come to me,
237
00:08:11,655 --> 00:08:12,724
but I keep fantasizing
238
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,310
about Jason Momoa as Aquaman!
239
00:08:14,379 --> 00:08:15,689
- If I rolled my eyes
240
00:08:15,758 --> 00:08:17,827
as hard as I want to right now,
I'd go blind.
241
00:08:17,896 --> 00:08:20,275
- At least I am trying, Deb.
242
00:08:20,344 --> 00:08:21,862
- Okay. What do you
want to write about?
243
00:08:21,931 --> 00:08:22,862
- I don't know.
244
00:08:22,931 --> 00:08:24,517
Something for girls?
245
00:08:24,586 --> 00:08:25,931
- Well,
if you're looking for ideas,
246
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,827
there are girls all around you.
247
00:08:27,896 --> 00:08:29,137
Write what matters to them.
248
00:08:29,206 --> 00:08:30,896
- Wow, Deb.
That is the first time
249
00:08:30,965 --> 00:08:32,758
you've ever given me advice
that didn't involve
250
00:08:32,827 --> 00:08:34,137
pepper spray or a baseball bat.
251
00:08:34,206 --> 00:08:35,551
- No prob.
252
00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:37,103
I gotta go give
the Moving Hunks
253
00:08:37,172 --> 00:08:39,862
something else to do before
they try to take off again.
254
00:08:39,931 --> 00:08:41,137
- Oh, no, oh, no!
You're so big,
255
00:08:41,206 --> 00:08:43,172
I'm getting pulled in
by your gravity!
256
00:08:43,241 --> 00:08:44,103
Earthquake.
257
00:08:44,172 --> 00:08:45,724
- Leave me alone.
- Hey!
258
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:47,068
- Stop it.
259
00:08:47,137 --> 00:08:48,620
- What do you think
you're doing?
260
00:08:48,689 --> 00:08:50,241
- Nothing.
- "Nothing."
261
00:08:50,310 --> 00:08:52,655
You think making fun of someone
is nothing?
262
00:08:52,724 --> 00:08:54,068
Hmm. What if someone
said to you,
263
00:08:54,137 --> 00:08:56,206
"Nice vest.
What are you, a service dog?"
264
00:08:56,275 --> 00:08:58,310
Or you.
What if someone said to you,
265
00:08:58,379 --> 00:09:00,482
"Jeffrey Dahmer wants
his glasses back"?
266
00:09:00,551 --> 00:09:02,344
And don't act like I haven't
seen your mom
267
00:09:02,413 --> 00:09:05,724
pulling you on a leash
at the mall, Bob.
268
00:09:05,793 --> 00:09:07,172
Say you're sorry.
269
00:09:07,241 --> 00:09:08,827
- Sorry.
270
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,172
- Okay. Bye.
271
00:09:12,793 --> 00:09:14,482
I am so sorry
that happened to you, Lizzie.
272
00:09:14,551 --> 00:09:16,103
Bullying is not okay.
273
00:09:16,172 --> 00:09:17,758
No one should ever
make fun of someone
274
00:09:17,827 --> 00:09:19,068
for the way they look.
275
00:09:19,137 --> 00:09:21,137
One day,
these people are gonna see
276
00:09:21,206 --> 00:09:23,896
how bomb you are,
and they'll be sorry.
277
00:09:23,965 --> 00:09:26,620
- Thanks, Ms. Snap.
- [giggles]
278
00:09:26,689 --> 00:09:28,586
Oh, my God.
[gasps]
279
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:29,620
That's my book!
280
00:09:29,689 --> 00:09:31,172
[cymbal shimmering]
281
00:09:31,241 --> 00:09:34,827
- Oh! Good for you.
Off you go.
282
00:09:34,896 --> 00:09:36,413
- Thank you, Jesus.
283
00:09:36,482 --> 00:09:37,517
[smooth pop music]
284
00:09:37,586 --> 00:09:39,068
- You mean, thank me?
285
00:09:39,137 --> 00:09:41,310
I've booked them
for the rest of the week.
286
00:09:41,379 --> 00:09:43,379
- Ugh.
287
00:09:43,448 --> 00:09:44,517
I don't feel so good.
288
00:09:44,586 --> 00:09:45,896
- What's wrong?
289
00:09:45,965 --> 00:09:49,068
- I don't know, I just...
- [gasps]
290
00:09:49,137 --> 00:09:51,793
- Are you okay, miss?
- I'm so cold.
291
00:09:51,862 --> 00:09:53,758
- Hypothermia.
Hey, hey, come here.
292
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:54,827
We gotta warm her up.
293
00:09:54,896 --> 00:09:56,275
Come on, skin to skin.
294
00:09:56,344 --> 00:09:57,931
Come on.
295
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,586
- Oh...
[groans]
296
00:10:00,655 --> 00:10:01,862
- Right there.
297
00:10:01,931 --> 00:10:03,896
- I think I'm gonna need
more skin.
298
00:10:03,965 --> 00:10:05,068
- Get that thing off.
299
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:06,448
Come on, bring it in tight.
300
00:10:06,517 --> 00:10:08,413
- So, so cold.
301
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,689
[men breathing heavily]
302
00:10:10,758 --> 00:10:12,310
- [moans]
303
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,758
So cold!
304
00:10:16,379 --> 00:10:18,310
[rock music]
305
00:10:18,379 --> 00:10:19,862
Thank you.
306
00:10:19,931 --> 00:10:22,758
I'm feeling much better now.
307
00:10:25,482 --> 00:10:27,137
- Excuse me, boys.
308
00:10:27,206 --> 00:10:30,379
I'm supposed to rub
these transdermal vitamins
309
00:10:30,448 --> 00:10:34,827
on my lower back,
for the health of my baby,
310
00:10:34,896 --> 00:10:36,241
and I can't seem to reach.
311
00:10:36,310 --> 00:10:37,862
- Oh, let me help you
with that, miss.
312
00:10:37,931 --> 00:10:39,310
- Only if it's not
too much trouble.
313
00:10:39,379 --> 00:10:41,793
- Yeah, no, not at all.
- Oh!
314
00:10:44,965 --> 00:10:48,413
[sensual R&B music]
315
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,620
[moans]
316
00:10:50,689 --> 00:10:54,482
- Oh, no.
[gasps]
317
00:10:54,551 --> 00:10:57,344
I hope I don't choke on this.
318
00:10:57,413 --> 00:10:58,586
[gasps]
319
00:10:58,655 --> 00:11:00,758
♪ ♪
320
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:05,448
[gagging]
321
00:11:05,517 --> 00:11:07,758
- Good work, Mary-Louise.
322
00:11:07,827 --> 00:11:09,931
I didn't think
you had it in you.
323
00:11:11,896 --> 00:11:13,206
- Oh, wait,
she's really choking.
324
00:11:13,275 --> 00:11:15,586
Oh, no, no, don't stop
creaming me up, though.
325
00:11:15,655 --> 00:11:16,655
- Oh!
- They got it.
326
00:11:16,724 --> 00:11:18,724
- Heimlich!
- [moans]
327
00:11:18,793 --> 00:11:20,137
- Back brace is in the way.
328
00:11:20,206 --> 00:11:21,862
- What's a back brace doing
on a young woman?
329
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,620
- [retches]
330
00:11:23,689 --> 00:11:25,103
[cymbal shimmering]
331
00:11:28,965 --> 00:11:30,689
I'm sorry, sir.
332
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,551
I thought it was chewing gum.
333
00:11:32,620 --> 00:11:34,413
They're both pink, you know.
334
00:11:34,482 --> 00:11:35,758
[percussive sting]
335
00:11:35,827 --> 00:11:37,758
- Hello?
336
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:38,758
Everyone?
337
00:11:38,827 --> 00:11:40,068
I know you're all excited
338
00:11:40,137 --> 00:11:41,827
to hear C.F. Blinky
read tomorrow,
339
00:11:41,896 --> 00:11:44,862
but there's another author
in da house.
340
00:11:44,931 --> 00:11:47,068
[laughs]
Me!
341
00:11:47,137 --> 00:11:49,862
So gather around
because my first book
342
00:11:49,931 --> 00:11:53,034
is about to drop right now.
343
00:11:56,344 --> 00:11:58,413
Before I begin,
I would like to thank
344
00:11:58,482 --> 00:12:00,931
the woman I would stand with
on a mountain,
345
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,655
bathe with in the sea,
346
00:12:02,724 --> 00:12:04,655
and lay with like this forever.
347
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,827
My mentor, C.F. Blinky.
348
00:12:06,896 --> 00:12:08,862
- Nope.
349
00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:10,586
I'm not your mentor.
350
00:12:10,655 --> 00:12:12,551
I'm not her mentor, guys.
351
00:12:12,620 --> 00:12:15,655
- This story was inspired
by a very moving experience
352
00:12:15,724 --> 00:12:17,000
I had with a little girl
353
00:12:17,068 --> 00:12:19,344
who was going through
a difficult time.
354
00:12:20,655 --> 00:12:24,379
"Tiny Tina":
a book by Dr. Chelsea Snap.
355
00:12:26,551 --> 00:12:28,413
This is Tina.
356
00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:30,586
Tina was tubby.
357
00:12:30,655 --> 00:12:33,931
Every day, she was bullied,
and she would cry.
358
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,620
She thought to herself,
359
00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:37,206
"Will this ever end?"
360
00:12:37,275 --> 00:12:40,000
So she stopped eating.
361
00:12:40,068 --> 00:12:42,724
And she got thinner...
362
00:12:42,793 --> 00:12:46,482
and thinner... and thinner...
363
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:50,034
And thinner...
364
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:53,793
and thinner... and thinner,
365
00:12:53,862 --> 00:12:57,862
until her hunger plateaued
and she was finally happy,
366
00:12:57,931 --> 00:13:00,758
because she was tiny.
367
00:13:00,827 --> 00:13:02,620
The end.
368
00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:08,689
[rock music]
369
00:13:08,758 --> 00:13:09,793
- Hey, hey.
370
00:13:09,862 --> 00:13:11,724
You wrote a pro-anorexia book?
371
00:13:11,793 --> 00:13:13,275
- Pro-anorexia?
372
00:13:13,344 --> 00:13:15,068
I wrote a book about a fat girl
who takes control
373
00:13:15,137 --> 00:13:17,034
of her life
by not eating anymore.
374
00:13:17,103 --> 00:13:19,517
- That's the definition
of anorexia.
375
00:13:19,586 --> 00:13:21,724
That book was reprehensible!
376
00:13:21,793 --> 00:13:23,448
- But it didn't have
any men in it!
377
00:13:23,517 --> 00:13:24,862
- Oh, my God.
Okay, you know what?
378
00:13:24,931 --> 00:13:26,068
Stop writing.
379
00:13:26,137 --> 00:13:28,241
Your ideas should not be heard.
380
00:13:28,310 --> 00:13:30,137
- Excuse me?
381
00:13:30,206 --> 00:13:32,103
- Hey, you want to have
a positive effect on the world?
382
00:13:32,172 --> 00:13:33,689
Never write anything
ever again!
383
00:13:33,758 --> 00:13:36,551
You are not a writer!
384
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:38,620
- They told Andy Warhol
he wasn't a painter!
385
00:13:38,689 --> 00:13:41,517
And he stuck with it,
and look what happened!
386
00:13:41,586 --> 00:13:45,551
Campbell's Soup ended up
using his art on their cans!
387
00:13:47,103 --> 00:13:50,000
[sighs]
I will not give up.
388
00:13:50,068 --> 00:13:52,000
[thunder rolling]
389
00:13:52,068 --> 00:13:55,379
[dramatic orchestral music]
390
00:13:55,448 --> 00:13:56,931
- Oh, hi.
391
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,448
I'm just grabbing some desks
for the Hunks to move tomorrow.
392
00:13:59,517 --> 00:14:00,758
♪ ♪
393
00:14:00,827 --> 00:14:03,620
Wait, what are you doing here
so late?
394
00:14:03,689 --> 00:14:05,551
- Proving everyone wrong.
395
00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:06,965
- Chelsea.
396
00:14:07,034 --> 00:14:08,275
If you want to try
and convince people
397
00:14:08,344 --> 00:14:10,068
you're not a terrible teacher,
398
00:14:10,137 --> 00:14:12,275
the children have to be here.
399
00:14:12,344 --> 00:14:14,206
- [scoffs]
I don't care about that.
400
00:14:14,275 --> 00:14:17,103
No one ever thinks I'm capable
of achieving my goals:
401
00:14:17,172 --> 00:14:18,551
the producers of "Real World,"
402
00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,310
the producers
of "Naked and Afraid,"
403
00:14:20,379 --> 00:14:22,862
the producers of "Teen Mom,"
and now C.F. Blinky.
404
00:14:22,931 --> 00:14:24,137
I refuse to let another person
405
00:14:24,206 --> 00:14:25,724
write me off
as not good enough!
406
00:14:25,793 --> 00:14:28,620
- "Teen Mom"?
- I would have gotten pregnant!
407
00:14:28,689 --> 00:14:31,758
- I think you're overlooking
a crucial adjective.
408
00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:32,965
- [gasps]
409
00:14:33,034 --> 00:14:34,482
[sighs]
410
00:14:34,551 --> 00:14:35,896
♪ ♪
411
00:14:35,965 --> 00:14:37,413
- Thank you!
412
00:14:37,482 --> 00:14:39,586
- I am young and talented.
I am young and talented.
413
00:14:39,655 --> 00:14:41,586
I am young and talented!
414
00:14:41,655 --> 00:14:43,965
[upbeat rock music]
415
00:14:44,034 --> 00:14:47,448
- "Patty Parakeet
Breaks the Glass Ceiling."
416
00:14:47,517 --> 00:14:48,482
Thank you.
417
00:14:48,551 --> 00:14:51,103
[laughs]
Yes.
418
00:14:51,172 --> 00:14:54,965
- Hey, uh, we just want to say
thanks for all the help.
419
00:14:55,034 --> 00:14:56,965
We're gonna really
miss you guys.
420
00:14:57,034 --> 00:14:59,758
- Wish we could say the same.
- I'm sorry?
421
00:14:59,827 --> 00:15:01,344
- We felt
completely objectified
422
00:15:01,413 --> 00:15:02,655
by you ladies all week.
423
00:15:02,724 --> 00:15:04,931
- But you're called
Moving Hunks.
424
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,275
- You wear tiny jean shorts.
425
00:15:07,344 --> 00:15:09,172
- And tight tank tops.
- Whoa.
426
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,724
We wear those
so we can feel sexy.
427
00:15:10,793 --> 00:15:12,172
Not for you.
428
00:15:12,241 --> 00:15:13,758
- Yeah, I'm just doing this
to put myself
429
00:15:13,827 --> 00:15:15,137
through medical school.
430
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:16,827
- I felt unsafe.
- Whoa. Relax.
431
00:15:16,896 --> 00:15:17,931
- Okay.
432
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,931
Please don't tell us to relax.
433
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,448
It's really condescending.
434
00:15:24,517 --> 00:15:25,413
- The end.
435
00:15:25,482 --> 00:15:26,896
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Oh, hold on.
436
00:15:26,965 --> 00:15:28,379
- No, no, what are you doing?
437
00:15:28,448 --> 00:15:29,275
- [laughs]
438
00:15:29,344 --> 00:15:31,965
Everyone, uh, wait.
439
00:15:32,034 --> 00:15:32,965
Don't move.
440
00:15:33,034 --> 00:15:35,344
There is one more author.
441
00:15:35,413 --> 00:15:36,448
Me.
442
00:15:36,517 --> 00:15:37,655
Hey, girl.
443
00:15:37,724 --> 00:15:39,103
- Ugh.
- So sorry. That was great.
444
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:40,310
I was so inspired.
445
00:15:40,379 --> 00:15:41,379
- Okay.
446
00:15:41,448 --> 00:15:42,827
- Get ready to be wowed,
though.
447
00:15:42,896 --> 00:15:44,103
[sighs]
448
00:15:44,965 --> 00:15:46,275
Before I begin,
449
00:15:46,344 --> 00:15:48,206
I would like to apologize
to those of you
450
00:15:48,275 --> 00:15:50,068
who were at my reading
of "Tiny Tina."
451
00:15:50,137 --> 00:15:52,137
I have since learned
that Tina was not happy
452
00:15:52,206 --> 00:15:54,275
and she did have issues.
453
00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:57,482
"Medium-Size Marla":
454
00:15:57,551 --> 00:16:00,758
a book by Nobel Laureate
Chelsea Snap.
455
00:16:03,724 --> 00:16:05,103
Marla wasn't fat.
456
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,862
Marla wasn't skinny.
457
00:16:06,931 --> 00:16:09,965
Marla was average
and okay with it.
458
00:16:10,034 --> 00:16:11,551
[uplifting piano music]
459
00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:13,931
People didn't stare at her
or call her names.
460
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,103
They just kind of thought,
461
00:16:15,172 --> 00:16:16,689
"Marla? I don't really have
462
00:16:16,758 --> 00:16:20,448
a strong opinion about her
either way."
463
00:16:20,517 --> 00:16:22,068
When people were introduced
to her,
464
00:16:22,137 --> 00:16:24,103
they'd say,
"I don't think we've met,"
465
00:16:24,172 --> 00:16:25,827
but she'd always met them,
466
00:16:25,896 --> 00:16:28,275
sometimes three or four times.
467
00:16:28,344 --> 00:16:29,724
But they were usually okay
with her
468
00:16:29,793 --> 00:16:31,172
when they were reintroduced,
469
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:33,344
so she didn't mind.
470
00:16:33,413 --> 00:16:35,448
She had a good time
at the party.
471
00:16:35,517 --> 00:16:37,000
No one asked her to dance,
472
00:16:37,068 --> 00:16:39,517
but no one asked her
to leave either.
473
00:16:39,586 --> 00:16:41,448
Marla was able
to skate through life
474
00:16:41,517 --> 00:16:43,586
without ever being noticed.
475
00:16:43,655 --> 00:16:46,689
And it was A-OK.
476
00:16:46,758 --> 00:16:49,482
The end.
477
00:16:50,827 --> 00:16:51,965
- [coughs]
478
00:16:52,034 --> 00:16:54,241
♪ ♪
479
00:16:54,310 --> 00:16:57,586
- C.F.? Ooh.
Hey, girl.
480
00:16:57,655 --> 00:16:58,655
Hey, C.F.
481
00:16:58,724 --> 00:17:00,172
Hey.
482
00:17:00,241 --> 00:17:01,344
What did you think?
483
00:17:01,413 --> 00:17:03,793
- Well, it was a book.
484
00:17:03,862 --> 00:17:04,931
- Uh-huh.
485
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,586
- Uh, not a very good book.
486
00:17:06,655 --> 00:17:09,103
There was no story,
no structure,
487
00:17:09,172 --> 00:17:11,482
the character was completely
one-dimensional,
488
00:17:11,551 --> 00:17:13,896
and it lacked
any point of view.
489
00:17:13,965 --> 00:17:15,827
But other than that...
490
00:17:19,310 --> 00:17:20,793
- Did you guys hear that?
491
00:17:20,862 --> 00:17:22,758
- Yeah. That was rough.
492
00:17:22,827 --> 00:17:25,000
- She said it was a book.
493
00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:27,862
Authors write books.
494
00:17:27,931 --> 00:17:29,344
I am an author!
495
00:17:29,413 --> 00:17:30,448
[scoffs]
496
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,103
- Hey.
497
00:17:32,172 --> 00:17:35,068
I just wanted to say
I loved your story.
498
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,413
- [gasps]
499
00:17:36,482 --> 00:17:37,758
- It is so refreshing
500
00:17:37,827 --> 00:17:39,206
to finally meet a woman
around here
501
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:42,068
who's a real role model.
502
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:45,655
Can I buy a copy for my niece?
503
00:17:45,724 --> 00:17:46,758
- You know what?
504
00:17:46,827 --> 00:17:48,241
You can have
the original manuscript.
505
00:17:48,310 --> 00:17:49,241
I'll even sign it for you.
506
00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:50,965
- Wow. Thank you.
507
00:17:51,034 --> 00:17:52,551
- Uh-huh.
508
00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:59,172
There you go.
509
00:17:59,241 --> 00:18:01,827
- "Nice bulge, hot dick"?
510
00:18:01,896 --> 00:18:03,310
[scoffs]
511
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,275
- Excuse me, ma'am.
512
00:18:12,689 --> 00:18:15,931
I heard you were looking
for a hunk to haul some junk.
513
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,482
- Why, yes, I was.
514
00:18:18,551 --> 00:18:20,862
And you are quite the hunk.
515
00:18:20,931 --> 00:18:22,103
Oh!
516
00:18:22,172 --> 00:18:23,862
You even brought props.
517
00:18:23,931 --> 00:18:26,862
[suggestive new age music]
518
00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:28,965
♪ ♪
519
00:18:29,034 --> 00:18:30,241
- [groans]
520
00:18:31,586 --> 00:18:32,931
- [whispering]
It's okay.
521
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:37,172
♪ ♪
522
00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:38,275
- [grunts]
523
00:18:38,344 --> 00:18:39,827
♪ ♪
524
00:18:39,896 --> 00:18:41,172
- You know what?
525
00:18:41,241 --> 00:18:44,103
I would much rather
have you move
526
00:18:44,172 --> 00:18:46,448
one of those water jugs.
527
00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:49,000
- Oh, you want me to
move your jugs, huh?
528
00:18:49,068 --> 00:18:50,206
- Oh, yeah.
529
00:18:50,275 --> 00:18:53,586
♪ ♪
530
00:18:53,655 --> 00:18:54,896
- It's empty.
531
00:18:54,965 --> 00:18:56,241
Uh-oh.
532
00:18:56,310 --> 00:18:57,793
I better fill it up.
533
00:18:57,862 --> 00:18:59,517
- Oh.
[giggles]
534
00:18:59,586 --> 00:19:02,413
♪ ♪
535
00:19:02,482 --> 00:19:04,103
- I gotta get underneath it.
536
00:19:04,172 --> 00:19:07,275
♪ ♪
537
00:19:07,344 --> 00:19:09,655
- How about the toaster?
- [grunts]
538
00:19:09,724 --> 00:19:12,482
Oh, you want me to...
move your toaster, huh?
539
00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:14,413
- Toby, I gotta get back
to work, so...
540
00:19:14,482 --> 00:19:15,862
- Yeah, I'll-I'll get
the toaster.
541
00:19:15,931 --> 00:19:17,517
I get it.
542
00:19:17,586 --> 00:19:19,137
[sighs]
543
00:19:20,517 --> 00:19:23,275
[gasps]
Oh, it's electric.
544
00:19:23,344 --> 00:19:26,758
♪ ♪
545
00:19:26,827 --> 00:19:27,862
Ah! Hot! Hot!
546
00:19:31,862 --> 00:19:34,793
[upbeat rock music]
547
00:19:34,862 --> 00:19:37,793
[man vocalizing]
548
00:19:37,862 --> 00:19:44,482
♪ ♪
36760
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