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1
00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:08,482
[school bell rings]
2
00:00:08,482 --> 00:00:11,068
["I'm a Psycho"
by Clooney playing]
3
00:00:11,068 --> 00:00:13,793
- ♪ I'm a psycho
I do what I like, oh ♪
4
00:00:13,793 --> 00:00:15,482
♪ I got one loose screw
5
00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:18,172
♪ Better watch your back
6
00:00:18,172 --> 00:00:20,172
♪ I'm a psycho
and you can't deny, no ♪
7
00:00:20,172 --> 00:00:22,310
♪ I'm as crazy as a daisy
and you're under attack ♪
8
00:00:22,310 --> 00:00:23,448
- Whoo!
9
00:00:23,448 --> 00:00:25,827
- ♪ Yeah, I'm a psycho
10
00:00:25,827 --> 00:00:28,241
♪ I'm a psycho
11
00:00:28,241 --> 00:00:31,448
♪
12
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,620
- I know, I'm late.
13
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:34,586
Traffic was ter-ri-ble.
14
00:00:34,586 --> 00:00:37,137
- I just watched you
take selfies for 25 minutes.
15
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,758
You even did
an outfit change.
16
00:00:38,758 --> 00:00:40,241
- I wasn't gonna wear
a yellow dress
17
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:41,482
on a yellow slide.
18
00:00:41,482 --> 00:00:43,310
Fashion 101, Mavis.
19
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,931
[rock music]
20
00:00:45,931 --> 00:00:47,724
- ♪ Teacher
21
00:00:47,724 --> 00:00:49,931
♪ Oh
22
00:00:49,931 --> 00:00:51,068
- How you feeling, Deb?
23
00:00:51,068 --> 00:00:53,586
- I'm bloated, gassy,
24
00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:55,620
and my feet are so swollen,
25
00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:58,206
I actually burst
through a pair of Crocs,
26
00:00:58,206 --> 00:00:59,586
and with Damien on tour,
27
00:00:59,586 --> 00:01:01,827
I have no one to blame
my bad moods on,
28
00:01:01,827 --> 00:01:04,379
so overall,
I'd say "not good."
29
00:01:04,379 --> 00:01:05,965
- Good morning, ladies.
30
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:07,551
I am stoked like a fire
31
00:01:07,551 --> 00:01:08,965
to sub for Ms. Feldman.
32
00:01:08,965 --> 00:01:12,241
After working in administration
for 15 years,
33
00:01:12,241 --> 00:01:14,586
I'm thrilled
to be teaching again!
34
00:01:14,586 --> 00:01:16,655
It's as if Beyoncé went back
35
00:01:16,655 --> 00:01:20,000
and did another record
with Destiny's Child.
36
00:01:22,724 --> 00:01:24,551
Oh, Mrs. Adler,
37
00:01:24,551 --> 00:01:27,310
I noticed that you didn't put
your back-to-school board
38
00:01:27,310 --> 00:01:28,655
up in the hallway.
39
00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:31,172
Let's try to get that hung
by this afternoon.
40
00:01:31,172 --> 00:01:32,620
- What are you doing?
41
00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:34,068
- Toby...
42
00:01:34,068 --> 00:01:35,896
- Right.
43
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:37,517
Not my place.
44
00:01:37,517 --> 00:01:40,965
I'm not the principal anymore.
45
00:01:40,965 --> 00:01:43,586
Although it would be nice
if you could put it up.
46
00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:47,206
Consider my lippers zippered.
47
00:01:47,206 --> 00:01:48,517
I'm just a teacher.
48
00:01:48,517 --> 00:01:50,241
- No, you're not.
49
00:01:50,241 --> 00:01:51,275
You're a sub.
50
00:01:51,275 --> 00:01:52,586
- Okay.
51
00:01:52,586 --> 00:01:54,689
- What up, hotties?
Toby.
52
00:01:54,689 --> 00:01:56,517
Apparently,
we have to implement
53
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,241
this new online grading system,
54
00:01:58,241 --> 00:01:59,827
but I don't know how it works,
55
00:01:59,827 --> 00:02:01,482
why we're doing it,
or who it's for,
56
00:02:01,482 --> 00:02:03,586
so... someone
should get on that.
57
00:02:03,586 --> 00:02:06,275
We cool?
- Thank you for that
58
00:02:06,275 --> 00:02:10,862
very helpful information,
Brent.
59
00:02:10,862 --> 00:02:12,517
I know this job
60
00:02:12,517 --> 00:02:15,103
can be overwhelming
and stressful,
61
00:02:15,103 --> 00:02:16,482
so please know
62
00:02:16,482 --> 00:02:18,379
that my door
is always open.
63
00:02:18,379 --> 00:02:21,275
- You drive a purple Celica,
right?
64
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,034
- It's amethyst, but yeah.
65
00:02:23,034 --> 00:02:24,620
- You parked
in the faculty lot.
66
00:02:24,620 --> 00:02:26,620
See, subs park on the street.
67
00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:27,655
- Well...
[laughs]
68
00:02:27,655 --> 00:02:29,482
I'm not your average sub.
69
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:30,931
- You're right.
You're way older.
70
00:02:30,931 --> 00:02:32,862
Well, you might want
to get out there ASAP.
71
00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:34,931
I hear Mavis is itching
to get another car towed.
72
00:02:34,931 --> 00:02:38,206
[chuckles]
- Oh, for the love of Miami!
73
00:02:38,206 --> 00:02:40,172
[rock music]
74
00:02:40,172 --> 00:02:42,068
- Gary Yupo.
75
00:02:42,068 --> 00:02:43,206
- Here.
76
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,689
- And Ron Zimmerman?
77
00:02:44,689 --> 00:02:47,000
- Here.
I have a peanut allergy.
78
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,724
My mom says if I have any,
79
00:02:48,724 --> 00:02:51,413
I'll die,
and it'll be your fault.
80
00:02:51,413 --> 00:02:52,620
- Okay.
81
00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:53,827
Thank you, Ron.
82
00:02:53,827 --> 00:02:55,068
I will...
83
00:02:55,068 --> 00:02:57,000
certainly keep that in mind.
84
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,793
And now let's find out
what we're doing today.
85
00:03:00,793 --> 00:03:04,827
Uh-huh.
86
00:03:04,827 --> 00:03:07,172
[ominous rushing sound]
87
00:03:07,172 --> 00:03:10,172
Uh-oh.
88
00:03:10,172 --> 00:03:11,517
Care Bear.
89
00:03:11,517 --> 00:03:12,931
Do you know Ms. Feldman
90
00:03:12,931 --> 00:03:15,068
kept her
substitute lesson plan?
91
00:03:15,068 --> 00:03:16,931
- No.
92
00:03:16,931 --> 00:03:18,931
- Okay.
93
00:03:18,931 --> 00:03:21,896
She didn't seem to leave any.
94
00:03:21,896 --> 00:03:24,620
- [quietly] Toby,
we promised each other
95
00:03:24,620 --> 00:03:26,275
that we wouldn't let
our personal relationship
96
00:03:26,275 --> 00:03:27,517
affect our work.
97
00:03:27,517 --> 00:03:28,482
We have to treat each other
98
00:03:28,482 --> 00:03:29,758
as if we aren't...
99
00:03:29,758 --> 00:03:32,172
romantically entangled.
100
00:03:32,172 --> 00:03:33,620
Agreed?
- Agreed.
101
00:03:33,620 --> 00:03:35,482
You should treat me
like every other sub.
102
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:36,896
- [forcefully] Then take off,
loser.
103
00:03:36,896 --> 00:03:38,413
- What?
- [quietly] As your girlfriend,
104
00:03:38,413 --> 00:03:40,724
I really want to empathize
and help you,
105
00:03:40,724 --> 00:03:43,275
but as a teacher
talking to a sub,
106
00:03:43,275 --> 00:03:47,482
I think you're garbage.
107
00:03:47,482 --> 00:03:49,344
- When does my class have art?
108
00:03:49,344 --> 00:03:50,827
- You're a sub, Toby.
109
00:03:50,827 --> 00:03:52,344
Put on "The Adventures
of Milo and Otis"
110
00:03:52,344 --> 00:03:54,103
and call it a day.
111
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,551
- How long is recess?
112
00:03:55,551 --> 00:03:57,931
The kids are saying
upwards of two hours.
113
00:03:57,931 --> 00:04:01,068
Janelle will only answer
my questions in Pig Latin.
114
00:04:01,068 --> 00:04:02,793
Do you have any Febreze?
115
00:04:02,793 --> 00:04:05,344
Cody B. will not stop
passing gas.
116
00:04:05,344 --> 00:04:07,379
- You want me to stick my hand
up your ass
117
00:04:07,379 --> 00:04:10,310
[yelling] like a puppet
and do your job for you?
118
00:04:10,310 --> 00:04:13,517
[rock music]
119
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,862
- 28 weeks.
- I'm sorry?
120
00:04:16,862 --> 00:04:18,689
- You're about
28 weeks along, right?
121
00:04:18,689 --> 00:04:20,137
- Yeah, you nailed it.
122
00:04:20,137 --> 00:04:22,551
- So excited.
We're having a baby!
123
00:04:22,551 --> 00:04:24,758
- Well, I'm the one
having the baby, Raymond,
124
00:04:24,758 --> 00:04:27,034
but I appreciate
your enthusiasm.
125
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,793
- Have you read
"Whoa, Baby! I'm Pregnant!"?
126
00:04:28,793 --> 00:04:30,862
- Nope, haven't gotten
to that one.
127
00:04:30,862 --> 00:04:32,517
- I really think you'd like it.
128
00:04:32,517 --> 00:04:34,724
It's an irreverent look
at what's going on inside you,
129
00:04:34,724 --> 00:04:36,482
told from
a woman's perspective.
130
00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:39,172
- Okay... I'll check that out.
131
00:04:39,172 --> 00:04:41,517
I have plenty of time,
since I don't sleep anymore.
132
00:04:41,517 --> 00:04:42,965
- You can't tell.
133
00:04:42,965 --> 00:04:46,275
The hormones
are making your skin luminous.
134
00:04:46,275 --> 00:04:47,379
- Oh.
135
00:04:47,379 --> 00:04:49,206
Thank you, Raymond.
136
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,827
- I think pregnant women
are stunning.
137
00:04:51,827 --> 00:04:55,034
[quiet piano music]
138
00:04:55,034 --> 00:04:57,000
♪
139
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,103
[rock music]
140
00:04:59,103 --> 00:05:03,275
- [crying]
141
00:05:03,275 --> 00:05:04,517
[dramatic sigh]
142
00:05:04,517 --> 00:05:05,862
- Oh, no, Chelsea,
143
00:05:05,862 --> 00:05:08,034
did Tom Hardy
block you on Twitter again?
144
00:05:08,034 --> 00:05:09,103
- No.
145
00:05:09,103 --> 00:05:10,482
I just found out
my sorority sister,
146
00:05:10,482 --> 00:05:12,275
Kimi McKay, died!
147
00:05:12,275 --> 00:05:13,689
- Oh, no!
Chelsea!
148
00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,758
- What happened?
- Was she sick?
149
00:05:15,758 --> 00:05:18,206
- She fell off a cliff
while taking a selfie.
150
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,586
She was such
a beautiful person.
151
00:05:22,586 --> 00:05:24,551
These are her last posts.
152
00:05:26,862 --> 00:05:30,482
She loved hiking
in a halter.
153
00:05:30,482 --> 00:05:31,827
Oh.
154
00:05:31,827 --> 00:05:33,137
She must have uploaded
this last one
155
00:05:33,137 --> 00:05:36,482
before she hit
the rocky seashore.
156
00:05:36,482 --> 00:05:37,896
I want to honor Kimi.
157
00:05:37,896 --> 00:05:39,482
I'm holding a memorial service
158
00:05:39,482 --> 00:05:41,551
before school tomorrow.
159
00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:43,034
I expect you all to be there.
160
00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:45,137
- But we didn't even know
this woman.
161
00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:48,379
- Yeah, wouldn't you rather
be with people who knew her?
162
00:05:48,379 --> 00:05:49,793
- Hell, no.
You think I want
163
00:05:49,793 --> 00:05:51,827
my sorority sisters
to see me ugly cry?
164
00:05:51,827 --> 00:05:54,482
I get Claire Danes'
bipolar quiver-mouth.
165
00:05:54,482 --> 00:05:56,551
[sighs]
Oh, Kimi!
166
00:05:58,241 --> 00:06:00,620
[whimpers]
167
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:04,137
- It's been a long day.
[grunts]
168
00:06:04,137 --> 00:06:07,034
And we just have
a little bit of time left.
169
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,034
What do you say
we play a game?
170
00:06:09,034 --> 00:06:10,827
- Let's play
"Stare and Scream."
171
00:06:10,827 --> 00:06:12,448
- How does that go?
172
00:06:12,448 --> 00:06:13,931
- You just run around the room,
and then every time
173
00:06:13,931 --> 00:06:15,620
you make eye contact
with someone,
174
00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:16,862
you scream as loud as you can.
175
00:06:16,862 --> 00:06:18,586
- That sounds cognitive.
176
00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:22,896
[all screaming]
177
00:06:22,896 --> 00:06:24,172
- What's happening?
178
00:06:24,172 --> 00:06:25,517
- Is it another rat?
179
00:06:25,517 --> 00:06:27,413
- We're playing
"Stare and Scream."
180
00:06:27,413 --> 00:06:28,931
It's their favorite game.
181
00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:33,793
It's not a game, is it?
182
00:06:35,758 --> 00:06:37,758
- [yelling] There's no rat!
183
00:06:40,344 --> 00:06:42,068
- Uncool, Greg.
184
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,206
Very uncool.
185
00:06:44,206 --> 00:06:47,827
[rock music]
186
00:06:49,758 --> 00:06:52,620
- This bush you bought
looks dead.
187
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,206
I'm gonna have to buy
a memorial bush
188
00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:55,931
for the memorial bush.
189
00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:04,586
We are gathered here today
190
00:07:04,586 --> 00:07:05,586
to celebrate the life
191
00:07:05,586 --> 00:07:06,793
of my beautiful friend,
192
00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:08,206
Kimi McKay.
193
00:07:08,206 --> 00:07:09,655
Let's all go around
and say something
194
00:07:09,655 --> 00:07:11,000
we loved about Kimi.
195
00:07:12,137 --> 00:07:14,965
- Okay, again, Chelsea,
we didn't know her.
196
00:07:14,965 --> 00:07:16,241
- [scoffs]
As always,
197
00:07:16,241 --> 00:07:18,206
I have to do everything
around here.
198
00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:21,724
Kimi was kind.
199
00:07:21,724 --> 00:07:23,310
I remember during pledge week,
200
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,413
when they ripped off my clothes
and sprayed me with urine,
201
00:07:25,413 --> 00:07:27,448
Kimi handed me a towel
and said,
202
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:29,724
"That'll do, pig.
That'll do."
203
00:07:29,724 --> 00:07:31,034
[mournful piano music]
204
00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:33,655
I can't believe she was killed
by a selfie!
205
00:07:33,655 --> 00:07:35,931
- She wasn't killed
by a selfie.
206
00:07:35,931 --> 00:07:38,103
She took a duck-face photo
next to a sign that said
207
00:07:38,103 --> 00:07:40,482
"Dangerous Cliffs
Keep Off."
208
00:07:40,482 --> 00:07:42,000
She was killed by illiteracy.
209
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,344
- Don't you dare
death-shame Kimi!
210
00:07:44,344 --> 00:07:46,103
Selfies kill!
211
00:07:46,103 --> 00:07:47,241
[cries]
212
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,379
- Ms. Chelsea has requested
213
00:07:50,379 --> 00:07:52,655
that you join her
in the teachers' lounge
214
00:07:52,655 --> 00:07:54,758
for some light refreshments.
215
00:07:54,758 --> 00:08:00,172
♪
216
00:08:00,172 --> 00:08:02,310
- [sighing] Oh.
217
00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:03,689
- You look rough.
218
00:08:03,689 --> 00:08:05,379
- Oh.
219
00:08:05,379 --> 00:08:08,827
I forgot how exhausting
teaching is.
220
00:08:08,827 --> 00:08:10,310
This is probably TMI,
221
00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:11,517
but yesterday,
222
00:08:11,517 --> 00:08:14,206
I couldn't even find time
to relieve myself.
223
00:08:14,206 --> 00:08:17,310
I had to hold it
until 3:00 p.m.
224
00:08:17,310 --> 00:08:18,931
- You didn't pee all day?
225
00:08:18,931 --> 00:08:20,896
- I couldn't abandon
my class.
226
00:08:20,896 --> 00:08:22,827
- Insider's tip:
227
00:08:22,827 --> 00:08:24,724
wear an adult diaper.
228
00:08:26,137 --> 00:08:27,034
- Excuse me?
229
00:08:27,034 --> 00:08:29,344
- We all wear diapers.
230
00:08:29,344 --> 00:08:31,000
Right, guys?
231
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,206
[mischievous music]
232
00:08:34,206 --> 00:08:35,931
- Totally.
233
00:08:35,931 --> 00:08:37,862
I cut mine in the back
so it looks like a thong.
234
00:08:37,862 --> 00:08:39,827
That way, I still feel sexy,
235
00:08:39,827 --> 00:08:42,689
even when I'm going
on myself.
236
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,482
- I find them liberating.
237
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:45,724
- Caroline?
238
00:08:45,724 --> 00:08:48,517
I've never felt, you know...
239
00:08:48,517 --> 00:08:51,103
- [whispering] I take it off
when I see you.
240
00:08:51,103 --> 00:08:53,206
I want you
to find me attractive.
241
00:08:53,206 --> 00:08:54,206
- Mm.
242
00:08:55,379 --> 00:08:56,517
- Do you have it on now?
243
00:08:56,517 --> 00:08:57,965
- Mm-hm.
244
00:08:59,448 --> 00:09:01,000
- [sighs]
And when it comes
245
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,620
to taking a shower,
it's all guesswork.
246
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:05,827
There are parts of my body
that have been obstructed
247
00:09:05,827 --> 00:09:07,482
by my belly for months.
248
00:09:08,655 --> 00:09:11,551
Thanks again for skipping
recess to talk to me.
249
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,758
- Girlfriend, please.
250
00:09:12,758 --> 00:09:13,862
What am I gonna do,
251
00:09:13,862 --> 00:09:15,310
swing on the monkey bars?
252
00:09:15,310 --> 00:09:17,206
- Seriously.
253
00:09:17,206 --> 00:09:18,482
Mm.
254
00:09:18,482 --> 00:09:19,689
This body pillow you got me
255
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:20,758
is heaven.
256
00:09:20,758 --> 00:09:22,310
- Right?
257
00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:24,862
Someone's going to have
some warm tootsies
258
00:09:24,862 --> 00:09:26,551
when they come out.
259
00:09:26,551 --> 00:09:28,206
[rock music]
260
00:09:28,206 --> 00:09:31,413
[synthetic rustling noise]
261
00:09:32,068 --> 00:09:34,586
Put on your thinking caps
and buckle up,
262
00:09:34,586 --> 00:09:36,206
because we're about to travel
263
00:09:36,206 --> 00:09:40,034
to the land of adjectives!
264
00:09:40,034 --> 00:09:41,862
[squelching noise]
265
00:09:41,862 --> 00:09:44,862
[rock music]
266
00:09:44,862 --> 00:09:45,931
[squelching sound]
267
00:09:45,931 --> 00:09:47,482
Hello, ladies.
268
00:09:53,068 --> 00:09:55,206
[sighs]
269
00:09:55,206 --> 00:09:56,793
- [quietly] Did he just--
- Oh, yeah.
270
00:09:56,793 --> 00:09:59,689
He went potty.
271
00:09:59,689 --> 00:10:05,206
♪
272
00:10:05,206 --> 00:10:07,517
- Toby.
273
00:10:07,517 --> 00:10:09,206
Are you wearing a diaper?
274
00:10:09,896 --> 00:10:11,620
- [quietly] Yes, I am.
275
00:10:11,620 --> 00:10:12,827
All teachers wear them.
276
00:10:12,827 --> 00:10:14,344
It's a trick of the trade.
277
00:10:14,344 --> 00:10:15,137
- Who told you that?
278
00:10:15,137 --> 00:10:16,586
- The other teachers.
279
00:10:16,586 --> 00:10:18,137
They wear diapers every day.
280
00:10:18,137 --> 00:10:19,586
- Chelsea's dresses
are so tight,
281
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:22,793
she can't even wear underwear,
let alone a diaper.
282
00:10:24,034 --> 00:10:26,862
You went on yourself
like a damn baby.
283
00:10:26,862 --> 00:10:29,655
- I hereby open this meeting
of the Local School Council
284
00:10:29,655 --> 00:10:31,172
to new business.
285
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,310
- I have an issue
that needs immediate attention.
286
00:10:33,310 --> 00:10:36,137
People are being murdered
by selfies.
287
00:10:36,137 --> 00:10:37,379
- What?
288
00:10:37,379 --> 00:10:38,517
- I know, Gina.
289
00:10:38,517 --> 00:10:40,000
I was shocked, too.
290
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,655
My friend Kimi tragically died
291
00:10:41,655 --> 00:10:44,931
when she fell off a cliff
while taking a selfie.
292
00:10:44,931 --> 00:10:46,931
I propose we create
training courses
293
00:10:46,931 --> 00:10:49,137
on how to take a selfie
without killing yourself.
294
00:10:49,137 --> 00:10:52,310
Also, I mocked up these posters
to raise awareness.
295
00:10:53,724 --> 00:10:55,206
- Okay, we're done here.
296
00:10:55,206 --> 00:10:57,275
- We're not even gonna vote?
297
00:10:57,275 --> 00:11:00,551
Who are you, white women
on November 8, 2016?
298
00:11:00,551 --> 00:11:02,206
- Fine.
This'll be quick.
299
00:11:02,206 --> 00:11:03,448
All those against everything
300
00:11:03,448 --> 00:11:04,931
about Chelsea's
idiotic proposal,
301
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:05,931
say "aye."
302
00:11:05,931 --> 00:11:07,172
all: Aye.
303
00:11:07,172 --> 00:11:09,793
- This is real, you dumbasses!
304
00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:12,103
My friend died-uh.
[dramatic sigh]
305
00:11:12,103 --> 00:11:14,000
Kimi, give me strength.
306
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,206
[rock music]
307
00:11:17,896 --> 00:11:19,103
- Hello?
308
00:11:19,103 --> 00:11:20,896
- Toby Wan Kenobi!
What up?
309
00:11:20,896 --> 00:11:22,482
Come on in, man.
Pop a squat.
310
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:23,862
Sweet sweater, dude.
311
00:11:23,862 --> 00:11:25,551
- I just wanted to make sure
312
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:26,758
that you're feeling okay
313
00:11:26,758 --> 00:11:28,275
in your new position.
314
00:11:28,275 --> 00:11:29,448
- Mm.
315
00:11:29,448 --> 00:11:30,965
- I know transitions
316
00:11:30,965 --> 00:11:32,758
can be difficult.
317
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:34,275
Sometimes, you think you know
318
00:11:34,275 --> 00:11:36,310
what you're getting
yourself into,
319
00:11:36,310 --> 00:11:39,137
and then the reality
of the job is...
320
00:11:39,137 --> 00:11:41,896
- I... think I'm... fine.
321
00:11:41,896 --> 00:11:44,034
- It can make you wonder,
322
00:11:44,034 --> 00:11:45,931
"Do I know what I'm doing?"
323
00:11:45,931 --> 00:11:49,275
"Why won't anyone
take me seriously?"
324
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:52,310
and "How many people saw me
urinate on myself?"
325
00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:54,689
It's not your fault
that you trust people
326
00:11:54,689 --> 00:11:57,344
and assume that they're telling
you the truth.
327
00:11:57,344 --> 00:11:59,310
You're doing
the best you can.
328
00:11:59,310 --> 00:12:01,379
- Hey, Toby,
329
00:12:01,379 --> 00:12:03,482
do you need
to talk to the counselor?
330
00:12:03,482 --> 00:12:05,000
- No.
331
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,551
We're talking about you.
332
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:08,413
- Okay, um,
333
00:12:08,413 --> 00:12:10,862
well, just in case
we're talking about you,
334
00:12:10,862 --> 00:12:12,482
you're a sub, okay?
335
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,620
Your only job
is to keep these kids alive,
336
00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:16,965
so why don't you go ahead
and pop on "Milo and Otis"
337
00:12:16,965 --> 00:12:18,517
and call it a diz-ay.
338
00:12:18,517 --> 00:12:19,827
Kn'I mean?
[laughs]
339
00:12:19,827 --> 00:12:21,689
Hey, check this out.
340
00:12:21,689 --> 00:12:22,965
[clicks]
341
00:12:22,965 --> 00:12:24,931
[laughs]
Cool, right?
342
00:12:24,931 --> 00:12:27,586
[imitates engine revving]
343
00:12:27,586 --> 00:12:28,827
Boom!
344
00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:32,137
- Just run the cocoa butter
in a circular motion.
345
00:12:32,137 --> 00:12:34,172
- And this helps
prevent stretch marks?
346
00:12:34,172 --> 00:12:36,103
- You call them stretch marks.
347
00:12:36,103 --> 00:12:38,862
I call them tiger stripes.
348
00:12:38,862 --> 00:12:40,379
[growls]
- [laughs]
349
00:12:46,620 --> 00:12:47,965
- What's going on here?
350
00:12:47,965 --> 00:12:49,206
- Raymond's just showing me
how to avoid
351
00:12:49,206 --> 00:12:51,655
getting any more
stretch marks.
352
00:12:51,655 --> 00:12:52,896
- Can I talk to you
for a sec?
353
00:12:54,517 --> 00:12:56,000
- Allow me.
354
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,655
- Thank you.
355
00:12:57,655 --> 00:13:00,379
- Deb, don't you think
this is a little inappropriate?
356
00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:03,172
- No, he's just giving me
the support I need.
357
00:13:03,172 --> 00:13:05,103
- But he's ten years old.
358
00:13:06,103 --> 00:13:07,379
What's this?
359
00:13:07,379 --> 00:13:08,965
- Oh, Raymond got it for me.
360
00:13:08,965 --> 00:13:10,620
It's a maternity negligee.
361
00:13:13,310 --> 00:13:15,586
Oh.
362
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:18,000
Okay, I'll...
363
00:13:21,724 --> 00:13:23,172
Yeah, I'll talk to him.
364
00:13:23,172 --> 00:13:26,965
[children screaming]
365
00:13:26,965 --> 00:13:28,793
- Everyone!
366
00:13:28,793 --> 00:13:30,689
Please take your seats!
367
00:13:30,689 --> 00:13:33,103
[children yelling]
368
00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:35,862
We're gonna watch
"Milo and Otis."
369
00:13:35,862 --> 00:13:37,517
Peanuts?
370
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,482
[gasps]
No.
371
00:13:39,482 --> 00:13:40,586
No!
372
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:41,896
[dramatic music]
373
00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:43,482
No!
374
00:13:43,482 --> 00:13:44,862
Don't worry, Ron!
375
00:13:44,862 --> 00:13:46,517
I'll save you!
376
00:13:46,517 --> 00:13:48,758
♪
377
00:13:48,758 --> 00:13:49,965
- Ow!
378
00:13:49,965 --> 00:13:51,827
What are you doing?
I'm not Ron!
379
00:13:51,827 --> 00:13:53,103
- I'm Ron!
380
00:13:53,103 --> 00:13:55,517
♪
381
00:13:55,517 --> 00:13:58,448
- Ow, stop!
I'm not Ron, either!
382
00:13:58,448 --> 00:14:00,827
♪
383
00:14:00,827 --> 00:14:02,310
- Why did you do that?
384
00:14:02,310 --> 00:14:04,793
- The peanuts, Ron!
There are peanuts on your desk!
385
00:14:04,793 --> 00:14:06,655
- Those are not mine!
386
00:14:06,655 --> 00:14:07,862
- What?
387
00:14:07,862 --> 00:14:10,000
- [laughs]
I put those peanuts there.
388
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,068
I knew you'd tweak, sucker!
389
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:18,448
[laughter]
390
00:14:18,448 --> 00:14:19,827
- Oh!
391
00:14:19,827 --> 00:14:22,172
[dramatic music]
392
00:14:22,172 --> 00:14:24,793
- Okay, keep the line moving.
[gasps]
393
00:14:24,793 --> 00:14:26,379
Ooh, Frank, say hi
to your dad for me.
394
00:14:26,379 --> 00:14:27,862
Your parents are still
having trouble, right?
395
00:14:27,862 --> 00:14:29,344
[laughs]
396
00:14:31,862 --> 00:14:33,689
Oh, my God.
397
00:14:33,689 --> 00:14:35,827
There's a child on the roof,
398
00:14:35,827 --> 00:14:37,758
taking a selfie!
399
00:14:37,758 --> 00:14:40,758
[dramatic music]
400
00:14:40,758 --> 00:14:42,931
♪
401
00:14:42,931 --> 00:14:44,413
[mechanical whirring]
402
00:14:46,862 --> 00:14:48,517
- [screams]
403
00:14:48,517 --> 00:14:53,034
- [quavers]
404
00:14:54,517 --> 00:14:56,931
And that's how you go
from Instagram
405
00:14:56,931 --> 00:14:58,551
to insta-dead.
406
00:15:02,413 --> 00:15:04,034
Please give a round of applause
407
00:15:04,034 --> 00:15:06,758
to Gogo and Antonio Fernandez
408
00:15:06,758 --> 00:15:09,241
of the Hernandez
Brothers Circus!
409
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,827
[mournful brass music]
410
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,655
Parents of Fillmore,
411
00:15:12,655 --> 00:15:14,655
what you just witnessed
wasn't real,
412
00:15:14,655 --> 00:15:15,965
but it could be,
413
00:15:15,965 --> 00:15:19,034
because selfies are dangerous.
414
00:15:19,034 --> 00:15:21,896
Please, join me and take action
415
00:15:21,896 --> 00:15:25,137
so your children don't get
ground up in a wood chipper!
416
00:15:25,137 --> 00:15:26,896
- Damn it!
417
00:15:26,896 --> 00:15:28,482
You guys are killing me today.
418
00:15:28,482 --> 00:15:30,448
Normally, I would think
that crazy chicks are hot,
419
00:15:30,448 --> 00:15:32,724
but this is just nuts, Chels!
420
00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:35,551
- I am tired of being ignored,
and I had to make a point.
421
00:15:35,551 --> 00:15:36,931
Selfies are dangerous
422
00:15:36,931 --> 00:15:38,241
and distracting.
423
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,034
We should just
ban them altogether!
424
00:15:40,034 --> 00:15:42,206
Girls today
objectify themselves
425
00:15:42,206 --> 00:15:43,413
and then,
they post the photos online
426
00:15:43,413 --> 00:15:45,241
for everyone else
to objectify them!
427
00:15:45,241 --> 00:15:47,137
Their entire self-worth
is based
428
00:15:47,137 --> 00:15:49,206
on the comments
on their Instagram,
429
00:15:49,206 --> 00:15:51,206
and instead of learning
how to be men,
430
00:15:51,206 --> 00:15:53,413
boys are learning
how to take dick pics!
431
00:15:53,413 --> 00:15:56,344
That isn't communication.
That's assault!
432
00:15:56,344 --> 00:15:58,827
These kids are disconnected
from each other,
433
00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:00,137
they're disconnected from us--
434
00:16:00,137 --> 00:16:01,931
oh, my God.
435
00:16:01,931 --> 00:16:03,344
We shouldn't ban selfies.
436
00:16:03,344 --> 00:16:04,689
[rousing music]
437
00:16:04,689 --> 00:16:06,482
We should ban cell phones.
438
00:16:06,482 --> 00:16:07,586
[gasps]
439
00:16:07,586 --> 00:16:09,137
[excited laugh]
440
00:16:09,758 --> 00:16:11,793
all: Aye.
441
00:16:11,793 --> 00:16:13,344
- Congratulations, Chelsea,
442
00:16:13,344 --> 00:16:14,827
Your motion to ban cell phones
in the classroom
443
00:16:14,827 --> 00:16:17,586
during school hours
has officially passed.
444
00:16:17,586 --> 00:16:20,586
- Thank you.
My friend did not die in vain.
445
00:16:20,586 --> 00:16:23,551
This award is a huge honor.
- It's not an award.
446
00:16:23,551 --> 00:16:25,000
- Well, it's still
a huge honor.
447
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,068
- Not an honor.
448
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,448
- Okay, well, I won.
449
00:16:27,448 --> 00:16:29,517
- Raymond, I appreciate
your support,
450
00:16:29,517 --> 00:16:32,413
but we need to take a break
from the pregnancy stuff.
451
00:16:32,413 --> 00:16:34,137
- Did I do something wrong?
452
00:16:34,137 --> 00:16:35,586
- You're young.
453
00:16:35,586 --> 00:16:37,241
You should be out
playing with the other kids,
454
00:16:37,241 --> 00:16:38,379
not worrying about me.
455
00:16:38,379 --> 00:16:40,034
- But what about Miles?
456
00:16:40,034 --> 00:16:41,034
- Who's Miles?
457
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,413
- The baby.
458
00:16:42,413 --> 00:16:43,517
I named him.
459
00:16:43,517 --> 00:16:44,724
- Okay, weird.
460
00:16:44,724 --> 00:16:45,724
This is done.
461
00:16:45,724 --> 00:16:46,896
Go hit the monkey bars.
462
00:16:46,896 --> 00:16:48,517
- Kimi,
463
00:16:48,517 --> 00:16:49,965
if you could see
what I accomplished this week,
464
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:51,586
you would be so proud.
465
00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:52,620
[tender music]
466
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,275
Do you know
what this reminds me of?
467
00:16:54,275 --> 00:16:55,551
That pledge week when you
wouldn't let me
468
00:16:55,551 --> 00:16:57,034
call an ambulance
when Jenna Phillips
469
00:16:57,034 --> 00:16:58,206
almost choked to death
470
00:16:58,206 --> 00:17:00,172
deep-throating
a butternut squash,
471
00:17:00,172 --> 00:17:02,310
but I did the right thing,
and called 911
472
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:04,586
so I wouldn't get in trouble.
473
00:17:04,586 --> 00:17:06,620
It's so sad that Jenna died
later that year
474
00:17:06,620 --> 00:17:08,862
deep-throating
a butternut squash.
475
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:11,448
Anyway,
love you, girl.
476
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:13,517
- Congratulations
on your LSC win, Chelsea.
477
00:17:13,517 --> 00:17:14,931
- Yeah, now those little turds
478
00:17:14,931 --> 00:17:17,103
can't bring their porn portals
to class anymore.
479
00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:18,413
- Thank you.
480
00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:19,793
Kimi's death
has made me realize
481
00:17:19,793 --> 00:17:21,206
that life is short.
482
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,172
Before I die
young and beautiful, I want
483
00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:25,068
to do something meaningful
with my life.
484
00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:27,068
I'm going to become
a new Chelsea
485
00:17:27,068 --> 00:17:29,068
for my best friend,
486
00:17:29,068 --> 00:17:30,413
Kimi.
487
00:17:30,413 --> 00:17:32,310
- Oh, no.
Toby!
488
00:17:33,275 --> 00:17:34,793
- Okay, it is equal parts
489
00:17:34,793 --> 00:17:36,034
sad and embarrassing
490
00:17:36,034 --> 00:17:37,620
that you bang that, Caroline.
491
00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:39,620
♪
492
00:17:39,620 --> 00:17:41,172
...Would've said
the old Chelsea.
493
00:17:41,172 --> 00:17:42,241
- Should've never tricked him
494
00:17:42,241 --> 00:17:44,689
into wearing a diaper.
495
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,034
- You're right.
496
00:17:46,034 --> 00:17:47,620
We should help him.
497
00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:52,793
♪
498
00:17:52,793 --> 00:17:54,896
[dramatic music]
499
00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:56,586
- Please don't kill me!
500
00:17:56,586 --> 00:17:58,551
I haven't designated in my will
501
00:17:58,551 --> 00:18:01,241
who gets
my infinity scarf collection.
502
00:18:01,241 --> 00:18:03,586
♪
503
00:18:03,586 --> 00:18:04,827
Ah!
504
00:18:04,827 --> 00:18:06,172
Oh, God.
505
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:08,206
Oh, God, I, uh...
I always thought that
506
00:18:08,206 --> 00:18:10,413
it would be Roberta
who killed me.
507
00:18:10,413 --> 00:18:12,034
all: Pencil to pencil,
508
00:18:12,034 --> 00:18:13,862
high score to low score,
509
00:18:13,862 --> 00:18:15,275
we are united,
510
00:18:15,275 --> 00:18:18,655
sisters of Fillmore.
511
00:18:18,655 --> 00:18:20,965
- Toby, we've brought you
to our secret meeting spot.
512
00:18:20,965 --> 00:18:22,827
- This is
the school's boiler room.
513
00:18:22,827 --> 00:18:25,379
Did you just drive me
around the block?
514
00:18:25,379 --> 00:18:26,551
- You'll never know.
515
00:18:26,551 --> 00:18:28,724
- Oh, God.
516
00:18:28,724 --> 00:18:29,827
[cries]
517
00:18:29,827 --> 00:18:32,172
No.
Ah! Ow!
518
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:38,620
- We are welcoming you
into our tribe.
519
00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:40,000
- Where we vow
to help each other
520
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,379
in times of need.
521
00:18:41,379 --> 00:18:42,482
- And call each other out
522
00:18:42,482 --> 00:18:44,034
when we're being weird.
523
00:18:44,034 --> 00:18:45,310
- And push each other
to be better.
524
00:18:45,310 --> 00:18:47,379
- We're a sisterhood,
525
00:18:47,379 --> 00:18:49,655
so welcome to the hood, sister.
526
00:18:49,655 --> 00:18:51,068
[warm music]
527
00:18:51,068 --> 00:18:52,586
- We have a tradition
that every year,
528
00:18:52,586 --> 00:18:54,862
we'd give this to
the newest teacher at Fillmore.
529
00:18:54,862 --> 00:18:58,000
This is the Dang-It Doll.
530
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,517
We've never given it
to a sub before.
531
00:19:00,517 --> 00:19:03,344
Whenever you're feeling
overwhelmed or frustrated,
532
00:19:03,344 --> 00:19:06,103
you can use this
to express your anger.
533
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,724
- Is this me?
534
00:19:07,724 --> 00:19:08,862
- Sorry.
535
00:19:09,551 --> 00:19:11,724
I made it
before we started dating.
536
00:19:12,758 --> 00:19:14,241
♪
537
00:19:14,241 --> 00:19:15,482
- Thank you.
538
00:19:15,482 --> 00:19:17,172
It's truly an honor
539
00:19:17,172 --> 00:19:19,172
to be a part of this group.
540
00:19:19,172 --> 00:19:22,862
♪
541
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,241
Dang it!
542
00:19:24,241 --> 00:19:27,000
Dang it, dang it, dang it!
543
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,793
Dang it, dang it,
dang it, dang it!
544
00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:31,310
Dang it!
Dang it!
545
00:19:31,310 --> 00:19:32,551
Oh, dang it!
546
00:19:32,551 --> 00:19:34,448
[gibbering] Dang it!
Dang it!
547
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:38,068
Peas and motherfucking rice!
548
00:19:38,068 --> 00:19:41,310
Ow... Ah...
549
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:45,793
- Welcome to the squad, girl.
550
00:19:47,758 --> 00:19:49,172
- Sorry, Kimi.
551
00:19:49,172 --> 00:19:52,275
There can only be room
for one of us.
552
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:55,517
I'm her best friend,
not you, you shrub!
36446
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