All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine S01E05 - The New Mobile Trio

Come on!

All this time, I thought
me right eye was failing.

It's been an old treacle
toffee in me glasses pocket.

It's one of the less common
eye diseases, treacle toffee.

I wonder how they'd have cured me
if I hadn't discovered it in time.

Massive injections of wine gums.

What we come in 'ere for?

For nothing!
That's usually the attraction.

We've never been to a road-safety
exhibition. They keep having them.

They must fulfil some
deep-seated need. Aye.

Come on, kiddies.

There are other places we've never
been that have a higher priority
than road-safety exhibitions.

Such as what? The crematorium.

I always wanted to go to
the Canary Islands one day.

Well, turn left when you
get outside and shove off.

Left? I thought it were right
for Canary Islands.

Oh, well, if you want to go via
Heckmondwyke... Doesn't everybody?

Where's your sense of adventure?

I used up most of mine when I had to
give that bus conductress a pound.

Her with all that black leather.

Oh, Mrs Lucas.

Aye. Funny name for
an Obersturmbannfuhrer,

"Mrs Lucas".

It were her bus what
got Ernie Bignall.

I expect she threw him
under for offering a pound.

She was a big lass.

Oh, a reet eight-wheeler!

A bit full on the upper deck.
Ah, they were her main assets.

If that top button ever goes,
there'll be scenes of wild disorder.

Whatever happened to
Ernie Bignall, then?

He tore all his jacket.

Poor thing.

God, how awful,
being run over by Mrs Lucas.

I'd like to try my skill on
the driving simulator. The wha'?

The driving simulator.

It's got a kid on it!

Tha's a bit old in the choppers,

aren't yer, to start
playing with trains?

It's a test of one's
reflexes and co-ordination.

And some of us have more
than others, which explains

why we don't spit fragments of
Eccles cake and dribble our tea.

You don't know how to enjoy owt.

Makes me sick
to see you nibbling at a biscuit.

You're like some old spinster
always making sure

and checking to see
her knees are closed.

Have you ever heard the expression
"suffer little children"?

Well, get off before it starts.

What's all this about, then?

It's a serious instrument, like
the bassoon or veterinary pliers.

You turn the wheel, watch the screen

and it tells you where you are
on the road. That's rubbish.

We know where we are on the road.

We're in Percy Street.

Hasn't he got a wonderful
sense of direction?

The question is, can the modern
motor vehicle be trusted?

You slacken your grasp on
the reins for an instant

and it's liable to leap out
and savage some other fella's car.

Oi! You have to have it destroyed.

Ow! I can't

say I've ever been all that
fond of motorcars, but you

don't like to think of anybody
being cruel to them. Ah! 'Ey up!

Ah, they're all right, is cars.
Our kid had one.

That's no recommendation.
He used to have scabs on his chin,

but they never caught on
with the general public.

They was only sore spots!

He chapped easy.

Another one dribbling his tea.
No, he wasn't. No, he wasn't!

Dr Morris said he had an
extra-fine skin. Your Eric?

Yeah! When he stripped off,
he had a skin like a lily.

No wonder he used to get so
intense about rugby league.

A right scruff, their Eric. If he
hadn't died young, nobody would've

had a good word to say for him.

Have you never fancied the idea
of learning to drive? Tha what?

'Ere, I know about them driving
instructors. They get you down

the back lane, and the next thing is
they got their hand on your willy.

'Ey up! Is that a road or a river?

I don't know! Steady.

You went right up on the bank then.
Here we go. Steady!

HE LAUGHS

Ah, missed it! Oh!

How long have you been driving,
then, as the crow flies?

It's just pure mechanical
envy on your part,

that's all you're suffering from.

Well, I thought you
showed great originality.

Most folk would've been
content to stay on t'road.

Well, it just came to me.
I've never seen such a performance!

It's nice to think that
after all these years,

my standard of
driving has hardly changed.

Comforting, isn't it, that there are
still a few things left untouched?

But if we had a real car,
we could get about more.

Get about more?

The way you drive, we'd spend half
the time in people's back kitchens.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, you wouldn't, because, you see,
with a real car, you've got things
to keep you on the road,

like kerbs and pedestrians.

But it's not the driving,
it's being able to get about more,

to travel farther afield.

Anyway, you can scoff.

Has tha got any of them mints?

Eeh, dear. There. Ta.

Just look at it. Like feeding
a ready-mix concrete machine.

Just the same at school -
him and Doggy Eastwood.

You used to eat everything
but the ink wells.

I know. And you go straight from
that to Elgar in the music room.

Struck even at that age by
the rich possibilities of life.

It were only when he
clanged the SS medical

and they discovered that
he had a Jewish left leg

that he signed on
for tinkering corps.

"Swift and Sure" was our motto,
"Certa Cito" the technological
brains of the British Army.

We had one of them in our mob. He
couldn't find his way to t'cookhouse.

Well, it was hardly worth
his while, was it,

if you'd all been spitting
on his bun?

And I was there when it came
to the fight for freedom.

Only him, you notice.
All on his jacksie.

And I was there willingly at
the time. But when you look around

and see what they've done
with their freedom,

the thought occurs that I might
just as well have stayed at home

and scraped together a deposit
for Cynthia Murchengrove.

No, you were better off
on the battlefield, honest. Phwoar!

She would have made
an excellent wife.

Oh, it doesn't always follow.
It doesn't always pay to rely
on them being unattractive.

There ought to be something else.
With a face like hers, you'd soon be
looking for something else, an' all.

Were you engaged?

Not exactly. Come on, now.
In those days, it had to be
exactly or nothing round here!

No, we had an understanding.

She was to be mine the moment
I achieved an executive position
with the water board.

And I had every prospect.

People retired, and now and again
somebody would drown.

Then, of course, the War came
and ruined everything.

You had a narrow squeak there.
It would have been just my luck
not to have had a great war.

She saw me off to the Army,
tears all over her platform ticket.

Six weeks later, I was back on a 48
to find her betrothed to this
undermanager of the Maypole dairies.

He was using his position to
supplement her butter ration.

Oh, you get that kind of frenzied
madness in every war,

people living only for the moment,
buckshee butter.

You don't know how well off you are.

How well off ARE you, incidentally?
Can you manage 15 quid? What?!

By 'ell, he's got the
reflexes of a young man.

Did you see him leap
there, like he'd been stung?

You could raise 15 quid.
I bet you've a little nest
of it somewhere.

'Ey, he's got that insurance money.

By hell, this is a great area
for financial discretion.

They even know
the value of your spit!

You could put your hands on 15 quid,
Cyril, without disturbing your
savings. Well, what if I can?

Don't he go a funny colour
when his money's in danger?

And why not? When I look at you,
I can see how stylish poverty is.

I'm happy. Aye, bloody slap happy,
and look where it's got you.

Don't underestimate him, Cyril.
He didn't get like that overnight.

It's taken him years
of dedicated mismanagement.

'Ey! Give us a fag and I'll
let you waggle me loose tooth.

Hey! Eh?

Look at that.

A car? At that price, we
could manage it between us.

I thought you didn't like cars.

Well, it's true, we don't get on.

My dear wife,
God rest the silly bitch,

conceived this passion late in life
for a one-owner Hillman.

Well, you were lucky.
Mine went for a chuffin' Pole.

But did you have to wax him
every Saturday afternoon,

vac his interior, lift up his bonnet
and pour things into his tubes?

It was so treacherous, you see.
You didn't need a steering wheel,

you needed a whip
and a flamin' chair.

I used to set off for'ards
and it'd go backwards.

Well, you must have been
in t'wrong gear.

That's what the world
was supposed to think,

but I knew that that shiny metallic
monster was changing its own gears.

I know I've not been all that good
at driving, but it used to make me

What d'you want
another one, then, for?

I don't want another like that.
Nothing you've got to polish.

But something like this,

a clapped-out old banger that'll
just take us where we want to go.

I've still got this driving licence.
We've got all this spare time.
We could get about and do more.

Aye, we could go to York races.

Mobility's a kind of freedom,

as long as you're not
always polishing it.

If we both chipped in 15 quid,
we could get one.

What about him?
Like I said, if we both chipped in
15 quid, we could get one.

Oh, I could maintain it for you.
I'm very good wi' my hands.

Everybody knows that.

Mrs Batty's forever complaining.

Mrs Batty's forever complaining.

DOG BARKS

Who are you? What is it?

It's all right, missus,

we'll come back when
your buffalo's under control.

It's only a pup.

It's our Walter's, really.

It'll not hurt you.

Get back, you soft thing! Get in!

Get in! Get in, you damn thing!

It won't bite.

Oh, I should think he'd do
enough damage treading on you.

We came about the car.
Don't open that door, madam.

We'll come to some other
arrangement. Oh, you'd best come in.

That's a likely story. I bet that's
how tha feeds him, on unsuspecting
folk what come about t'car.

It's only a soft old thing.
He won't hurt you.

We're in your hands, missus.

But if he's got a lot of
shaggy hair round his collar,

now's the time to admit it.

DOG BARKS AND GROWLS

It's knocked off!
Ah, tha don't knows.

Well, he didn't win it in a raffle.
Ooh, you do get me involved

in some dubious undertakings.

Where are we? Atherton Street?

Perhaps it's a great centre
for spaghetti rings

and lavatory cleaners.

Oh, you're all right.

I've fastened him up in t'kitchen.

You'll have to excuse the mess
in here. It's our lad, Walter.

Y'see, he drives this
lorry sometimes. Oh, yes?

Brings his work home, does he?

He's always bringing things home!
He brought that dog!

But guess who has to feed it?

He thinks he's kind to animals,
but when he's stupid drunk,

he tried to teach it
to ride a bicycle!

Now, it's him you want to see.
I'll go and give him a shout.

WALTER!

It's three misters about t'car!
All right!

He can get up quick enough when it's
a question of getting Fred's lass

into trouble.
Would you like a mug of tea?

Oh, aye. It's all right, madam.

There's a potfull
in t'kitchen if you want it.

I'll just go and whisper in his ear.

WALTER!

Why don't you get up?!
She's fearless, that little woman.

I would've fancied a mug of tea.

He has to flap his big lip
and say no. Oh, sit down.

We're in quite deep enough
without seeing you slopping
about in a pint pot.

He makes enough noise slurping
from a cup. You've never really had
an ear for music, have you, Cyril?

We shall be facing the music, all
right, if this is a stolen car.

Who the hell's going
to steal a car worth thirty quid?

Could be a desperate gang
of international rubbish thieves.

You won't be laughing so much
when we're standing in the dock.

It'll be a dry dock, an' all, if
you keep turning down mugs of tea.
'Ey, look at this! Oh, put that down!

Let go.

Let go!

I don't know why
she asked you to wait in here

amongst all this stuff
that I'm looking after for me mate

that runs this stall
in Barnsley market.

I've told you before...!

Did she say you've come about a car?

Er, yes, the little Anglia.
"Goes like a bum."

Like a what?

Well, it says "bum" here.

"Bomb." Couldn't you guess
it should be "bomb"?

Well, at thirty quid,
you can't be sure, can you?

That were a snip.
It went in the first five minutes.

Oh, sold, eh? I sold it
to this doctor for his wife.

For thirty quid?

Yes, he's a big eye surgeon.

I wonder who does the little ones.

He gets all his second cars from me.
For thirty quid?

Well, I expect he just runs
them in and throws them away.

Mysterious beyond
the understanding of man

are the habits of eye surgeons.

We had this MO in the Army
called Major Pilkington.

Well, now we've digested that piece

perhaps we can stop wasting
this gentleman's time.

ROARING

No, no, no, no, don't rush off.
I've got just the car for you.

You couldn't have come
at a better time. I haven't
even advertised it yet.

It's the fastest little wagon
on four wheels. How much?

'Ey up, that were fast, an' all.

Don't worry, it's a snip.

A super snip.

I daren't put my foot reet down
to t'floor. She'd terrify you.

It's been terrifying me
since we managed to push-start
the damn thing.

Oh, once you get
the battery charged, she'll be...

Look at that woodwork, eh?

Walnut!

I ask myself whether
it's fitting for three old men

to be hurtling about in this thing

'Ey, this cigar lighter don't work.

Oh, Compo Simmonite,
you're a fine one to be

complaining about owt not working.

'Ey, a bit stodgy-headed, in't he?

Don't distract him.
Keep his eyes on t'road. From here,

there's a magnificent view of that
red warning light on the dashboard.

This is a luxury motor.

Belonged to a titled lord.

Look at them switches, eh? 'Ey?

Crammed full of extras.
No essentials, just extras.

He's loving it, your mate, isn't he?

I'm not saying she doesn't need
tidying up here and there.

Eeh, can that dog of yours really
ride a bike? It'll have to, won't it?

Can't rely on the damn car.

Bloody thing's got no sense of
balance. Listen, I've been thinking.

Er, what we ought to do is
to slow down before this next hill.

To be absolutely honest,
I think you're going to need

a new set of brake linings.

CRASHING

Of all the stupid,
cross-eyed pillocks!

BEEPING
You great left-footed...

You want locking up, you stupid...

I'll tell you what, you daft...
..you're liable to be the first

motorist to have the remains
of a Humber stuffed up his...
BEEPING

I told you if we got a car
we'd get about more.

Things go wrong when I get in a car.
But I'll beat it yet.

You've got
to overcome these setbacks.

He's a lunatic, that Walter. He were
right about them brake linings.

If he drives a car like that,

he's the last person that should be
teaching a dog to drive a bicycle.

Do you suppose
he's always driven on the right?

You should've said right from
the start we weren't interested,

about when
we saw that lethal machine.

I tried to give him the hint
when that door fell off.

Well, you should have been
more forceful! You can't go

hurting people's feelings. It's
not as though he was a relative.

Our Cyril can. It's a gift.
We'll have less of the "Cyril".

Don't forget, he went on
that sod's course in the Army,

qualifying for a corporal.

'Ey up, 'ey up, wait for me!
We'll walk back together.

You've no idea how shirty
that fella's getting.

Can't he take a joke, then?

Now, I've left you
everything you'll need.

Aye. You'll just need to keep an
eye on it. Are you listening to me?

Yes, as fast as you're gobbing,
I'm making mental notes.

And we all know how mental
they're likely to be.

Just you let that stuff burn,
that's all...

And don't spill on me oven!

Looks like a garage floor
when you've been round.

How is it some fellas
just can't go wrong? What?

Oh, him what's come up on the pools.
No, next column. Oh?

Him that ran his wife over
backing his car out of the garage.

You'll be sorry when I'm gone.

You've been going for t'past
two hours. For good, I mean.

I shan't always be here, y'know.
You bloody will at this rate.

You begrudge it me, don't you?

You begrudge it. Admit it.
Two hours off to visit

me own sister in hospital.

Begrudge it? I wish you'd go and
visit your sister in New Zealand.

Ah! It's like coming home,
walking in here.

It restores your faith in things.
Er, three teas, please, Sidney,

when you've finished your billing
and cooing. Aye, hot and sweet.

It's for shock. Ohhh!

We've been out all
the morning having this accident.

And we haven't finished with it yet.

It were Clegg's idea.

To have an accident?
Oh, no, credit where it's due.

Walter thought of that. It wasn't
me, it was that clown on the tractor.

That's the inconsiderate way the
world goes. Round very bend there's

always some clown on his proper
side of the road. He was speeding.

He was going like a lunatic.
Uphill on a tractor?

'Ey up, Sid, this is Walter.

Oh, how do? 'Ey, erm, how are you
fixed for a case or two of spaghetti?

I could meet you on a price.
Don't touch it with a bargepole!

There's a free CID man
with every pack.

Oh, like that, is it?
You'll get me flamin' hung,

spreading rumours like that.
I'm in enough trouble as it is.

I'm meant to be selling that car
on commission for this fella.

He's about eight foot tall,
and chunky with it.

Oh, I can't stop here gabbing.
I'm going underground.

You mean like at a funeral?

No, not like at a funeral.
What a lousy thing to say!

He's got so much
to live for, has Walter.

Aye, all that stuff in t'front room.

'Ey, what about... Ooh, Ivy!

Ivy, Ivy!
What about some sugar, then?

Ohhh... They know where it is if you
change your mind about the spaghetti.

'Ey, Ivy? This is Walter.

His dog rides a bicycle.

No, it don't, missus.

It keeps falling off.

You men, you get dafter.

What's this about spaghetti?
Now, don't you go touching any
of that knocked-off stuff.

Ivy, leave him! Run away with me!
You're looking very edible.

You get on with your tea.

Hey, he made you an offer. The least
you can do is think about it.

In half an hour, turn that oven
down to number three.

Oh, I can't stand all this romantic
chatter! You're driving me wild!

Stop it! I want her! I want her! Ivy!

'Ey, Sid, she's looking very spruce.

Have you been having her done up?
Well, I didn't get a grant for it,
if that's what you mean!

Is it left and up for reverse
or left and down?

Does it matter any more?

Well, it didn't seem
to matter with that Hillman.

She went backwards
wherever I pointed her.

All right, it's bound to be
a bit scratched, but I tell you

what I'll do. I'll knock a fiver off.

Now, that's giving it away.

Yeah, well,
we're going after something smaller.

How lucky can you be?

Cos after a crunch like that,
it's got to be smaller!

If you're unlucky with cars,
why persist?

It isn't as if there's
a shortage of hazards on the roads.

Nobody's going to miss
your contribution. It's a challenge.

A man needs to be stretched to his
limits sometimes, as when changing

a light bulb, for instance.
I bet these in the window

cost more than thirty quid.

What do you think? You never know
round here. They drive you spare.

They could be worth a fortune, but
still dress like somebody's armpit.

If you take my advice,

you'll only get snotty
with those customers

that come dressed up. They're
the real peasants these days.

Hey, he's overdoing it a bit, though,
in't he, him with the wellies?

Listen, if Onassis lived round
here, he'd look just like that.

It'd give Jackie summat
to think about, wouldn't it?

Will it be cash or credit, sir?
Oh, pound notes, lad!

All right behind?

Oh, chuffin' heck.

I'm getting the hang of it.
That's encouraging.

I mean, you're all right
as long as we're pushing.

He's absolutely fearless,
is this lad.

Not out of breath, either.

No, he's in wonderful condition
for his age.

Stop moaning! It just needs a little
help occasionally, that's all.

We're more
out of this damn car than in!

I told you if we got the right car
you'd get out more.

You want to be on the open road -
sunshine, the wind

blowing through your hernia...

He's not joking, either!

Oh, they're wonderful,
these labour-saving devices.

Make life that much easier.

'Ey, Cyril,
why have you gone that funny colour?

Because I'm doing all the shoving!

Get your back into it!

He-hey, hark at him!
Once a corporal, always a corporal.

'Ey, Cyril, your stripes are showing.

That's nothing to what you're
showing through that tatty rear end.

Tuck it in!

Everybody doesn't want
to be reading your numberplate.

It's a bit rough, this road.

It's a bit rough, this driving.

I'm just getting the hang of it.

What you tugging? What you tugging?
I thought it was the indicator.

At least we're not
going backwards, are we?

Oh, a terrific sense
of direction, this lad.

Wonderful impression
of speed through

the holes in these floorboards.

I think after
we've gone a bit further,

we ought perhaps
to get out and be sick.

CRASHING

Why didn't you swerve?

I was swerving!
Aye! Right up his trouser leg!

Where was he going
to put your driving licence?

I told you I was
getting the hang of it.

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