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1
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:29,720
I daren't face the future.
My granny could see into the future.
2
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,480
So could your grandad.
He ran off and left her.
3
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:35,920
She used to read tea leaves.
We've all got a touch of it.
4
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,820
You've got more than a touch of it.
5
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:41,380
Horrible, great unseemly lumps of it.
6
00:00:41,380 --> 00:00:44,180
What are you doing hanging behind?
7
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:49,260
It's only a shirt tail.
There's no need to go into detail.
8
00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:52,260
Can't we go another way?
9
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:54,140
Why do we have to go
down Market Street?
10
00:00:54,140 --> 00:00:55,740
We're always going
down Market Street.
11
00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,940
He's been up to something.
12
00:00:57,940 --> 00:01:00,120
You can tell. What have you done?
13
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,700
Well, I don't want to go by that
shop where I get my telly from.
14
00:01:02,700 --> 00:01:04,240
I knew it!
15
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,820
We're having a bit of a barney.
16
00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:12,020
I always used to leave my place
open so they could come in and take
their telly whenever they wanted.
17
00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:17,240
Well, now I've started locking my
place up because the last time they
came somebody scratched it.
18
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,960
Well, let's hop on a bus
and see old Judd, eh?
19
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:25,200
It's been nice day really for not
going down Market Street.
20
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:40,460
Well, he looks a bit better but I
doubt if he'll see Christmas out.
21
00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:43,320
Not unless things alter.
22
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:48,140
I told him. Well, that's what
friends are for, to cheer you up.
23
00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:50,740
It's no good beating about the bush.
24
00:01:50,740 --> 00:01:56,060
You ought to know, Judd.
Is a graphic description of
your style of hairdressing.
25
00:01:56,060 --> 00:01:59,000
Well you've kept coming,
I notice, a two-mile bus ride.
26
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:03,220
You're the only one in this
district who remembers short hair.
27
00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:05,740
Everyone does teasy-wheezies.
28
00:02:05,740 --> 00:02:08,920
Anyway, he's not complaining.
29
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,380
Not complaining(?)
He does nowt else.
30
00:02:11,380 --> 00:02:14,220
I need to with you and your cronies.
31
00:02:14,220 --> 00:02:19,900
When I was at school, his idea of a
good morning's walk was
right across my pelvis.
32
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:23,280
We used to get him down
and grabbed his yo-yo.
33
00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:27,900
And I used to get it
back permanently knotted.
34
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:34,300
These days my main complaint
is against the world in general.
35
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:36,100
I do not like
the way it's going.
36
00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:38,400
Oh, it's terrible!
37
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,940
Mostyn Lightfoot.
I beg your pardon.
38
00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:43,200
Who's he when he's at home?
39
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,860
Fell in love with the Huddersfield
girls' High School netball team.
40
00:02:47,860 --> 00:02:54,180
All of them? Except the goalie who
reminded him of some film
star he didn't much care for.
41
00:02:54,180 --> 00:02:57,400
Wallace Beery I think it was.
42
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:02,880
Otherwise, he couldn't resist
the squeak of their little
PT shoes on the gym floor.
43
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,980
What has that got to do
with the state of the world?
44
00:03:04,980 --> 00:03:09,140
It just goes to illustrate how
we make problems for ourselves.
45
00:03:09,140 --> 00:03:13,700
The world is no worse than it ever
was except for the Mostyn Lightfoot
syndrome. Rubbish!
46
00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:18,640
It's perfectly true. Instead of
keeping things simple,
47
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,480
we all
have our netball team-sized dreams.
48
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:26,880
Before you know way you are,
you're imagining that you
can't live without P Jackson,
49
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:32,960
M Hepplewhite, RJ Lindlay,
AP Broomfleet Jones etc etc.
50
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,400
I never used it any road,
except for show. Used what?
51
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,520
My yo-yo.
52
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,420
Oh, give him something to play
with Judd, like an open razor.
53
00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:44,800
Just sit still.
54
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:49,240
Anyway, they can't tell me the
world is as quiet as it used to be.
55
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:54,360
It has always been quiet mainly,
especially around here.
56
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:59,440
Apart from the Danes who came up
the rivers to rape our forefathers.
57
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,980
Eh? That doesn't sound right.
58
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:11,220
Foremothers?
59
00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:12,900
Worse than ever.
60
00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:15,960
So, you see, it must have been our
forefathers.
61
00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:20,380
Bloody hell!
62
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:27,160
No wonder they were
regarded with revulsion
by the rest of civilised Europe.
63
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,360
They must have shorter back
and sides than Judd gives 'ere.
64
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:34,460
If you lot can get it better
than my prices you know where to go.
65
00:04:34,460 --> 00:04:36,020
Ooh hoo hoo!
66
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:38,620
Tha's has got some right books here.
67
00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:42,540
I've got some right
Herberts reading them and all.
68
00:04:42,540 --> 00:04:47,800
It's true,
you can tell his literature
by the clients that are going about.
69
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,460
Footballing sex maniacs.
70
00:04:50,460 --> 00:04:53,740
The main attraction
here is my conversation.
71
00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:56,560
Aye, about who
dropped dead last week.
72
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,580
Adrian Poskitt. Serves me right.
73
00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:03,520
You remember him.
Have you got a light, Clegg?
74
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,640
Do they really all just fall or do
sometimes give them a push?
75
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,320
Poskitts of
Arthron Street.
76
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,640
Don't you know anybody what is well?
77
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,960
He knows them, he just
won't talk about them.
78
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,720
Well, that's not news, is it?
79
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,840
Here, kindly don't distract him!
80
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:22,200
I want his full attention
while he negotiates this task.
81
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,640
I should have it shaved off.
Another thing.
82
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,020
Why do you allow the scruffs
into your establishment?
83
00:05:28,020 --> 00:05:31,880
Fancy having that above your
top lip. Like a hedgehog's bum.
84
00:05:35,140 --> 00:05:39,300
I do admire the country lover's
close observation of nature
85
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:43,520
but you must have been at a
funny angle to pick that titbit up.
86
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,680
In the trade it is
known as distinguished.
87
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,180
Quite a lot of my customers
these days have a moustache.
88
00:05:50,180 --> 00:05:53,300
It doesn't stop them dropping
like flies, though, does it?
89
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,260
Like I told you, Adrian Poskitt.
90
00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:59,820
We don't just come in
here for the haircut.
91
00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:01,980
You're always good for a laugh.
92
00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:06,080
Listen, he went out
Wednesday morning right as rain.
93
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:10,060
Round about dinner-time he went off
just like that.
94
00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:11,820
Just like that?
95
00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:14,540
What were wrong with him?
96
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,560
Closing his legs too rapidly.
97
00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:23,360
Heart.
98
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,540
Oh, they always say heart.
It means they're not sure.
99
00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:32,140
They're happier with a more positive
diagnosis like finding the
deceased under a bus.
100
00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:34,000
It must have been his heart.
101
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,260
Cor! This bunch got heart.
102
00:06:36,260 --> 00:06:37,720
Look at this!
103
00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:44,220
That's almost exactly the way
that we used to carry two rolls
104
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:46,800
of lino while I was in
fixtures and fittings.
105
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,800
She's German.
106
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:55,200
Oh, well. In that case,
they'll be rockets or something.
107
00:06:55,200 --> 00:07:00,000
You have to admire them Germans.
You have to admire this one!
108
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:04,300
10 a penny they were just
after the war in Berlin.
109
00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:07,380
Germans in Berlin! That's unusual.
110
00:07:07,380 --> 00:07:10,140
Like her.
-Like her?
111
00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:11,740
Yeah, I'm telling you.
112
00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:15,160
A very good opponent,
the average German soldier.
113
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,080
Tha's never been near one like
that, lad, I'm telling you.
114
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:26,740
In 1945, her sort was
going for five Woodbines.
115
00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:29,260
Don't give me that gubbins.
116
00:07:29,260 --> 00:07:30,840
I'm telling you.
117
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:35,800
How
come all our kid come back with was
three wrist watches and a camera?
118
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:40,580
That's a good point. And
when it came to listing his hobbies
119
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:44,940
you'd go a long way before you came
to photography or telling the time.
120
00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:50,500
Have another look at that photograph
and ask yourself, would she really
have fitted into his way of life?
121
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,280
Not to mention his kitbag.
122
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,600
He could have married her
or summat?
123
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,200
It was usually or summat.
124
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,740
You don't marry that sort.
125
00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:02,580
You should have seen
what he did marry. Pah!
126
00:08:02,580 --> 00:08:05,280
What about your missus?
127
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,740
Now, look,
she may not be glamorous...
128
00:08:08,740 --> 00:08:11,920
All right, she's more what
you would call horrible, but
129
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,660
we've been all right.
130
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,380
Want a bit of cream on?
131
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,980
What was Judd doing in Berlin then?
132
00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:28,740
Armoured division, tanks.
133
00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:31,400
Don't mention it.
134
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,140
The last place you'd
expect to find a hairdresser.
135
00:08:34,140 --> 00:08:35,980
What ship do you
reckon he's off then?
136
00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:38,980
How's it going, sailor?
137
00:08:38,980 --> 00:08:42,160
Behave. Don't show your breeding.
138
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,820
You wouldn't dare.
139
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:46,680
They are all the same.
140
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:52,480
They come and disturb our women
but I shall defend Mrs Batty
to the last gasp of my wellies.
141
00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:12,200
We shouldn't be here,
you and I, Mrs Partridge.
142
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,440
It's not coffee
time yet is it Mr Wainwright?
143
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:21,600
We should be out running
barefoot through the grass.
144
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,360
Oh, not with my feet.
145
00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:27,120
We should be out making
ancient music together.
146
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:32,600
I never had to face these
violent emotions when I worked
for Wheldrake's plumbers.
147
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,600
I'm sure everybody knows.
148
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,060
I'd like the entire world to know.
149
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:41,800
Don't say that!
150
00:09:42,380 --> 00:09:46,080
Me husband's sister runs
them Tupperware parties.
151
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:51,400
We are innocent in
the eyes of nature.
152
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,060
Nobody comes out unscathed
from those things.
153
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:59,880
We are free modern spirits,
Mrs Partridge. Today's people.
154
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:04,860
Ours is a mingling
of creative souls.
155
00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:09,040
Well, I can't deny that there is an
affinity between us, Mr Wainwright.
156
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:12,320
There's this damn desk
between us, Mrs Partridge.
157
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:20,660
It says here that they were hanging
people for being evil spirits
158
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:23,100
as late as the 18th century.
159
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:26,440
People had to make their
own entertainment in those days.
160
00:10:28,020 --> 00:10:30,440
Here, I knew this fella.
161
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,880
Substantial person,
shares in Amalgamated Dairies,
162
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,480
always kept a current copy
of Glass's guide to the motor trade.
163
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,540
Knew a French way with fish.
164
00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:42,500
Whatever will they think of next?
165
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:45,660
I know rich people aren't popular
but when he was killed
166
00:10:45,660 --> 00:10:47,360
in that light aeroplane crash,
167
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,500
there wasn't a peep out of anybody
wanting a share of that.
168
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:53,040
He left £112,000.
169
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,880
It's always the little things
you remember.
170
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,200
Given a dry summer that year,
I might have married his daughter.
171
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:03,340
As it was, we quarrelled bitterly
during that cold front from Iceland.
172
00:11:03,340 --> 00:11:06,880
You ought to have stayed around
here, married some local lass
173
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,820
and suffered like the rest of us.
174
00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:11,200
I don't care where you go,
175
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:17,900
this is God's number one area
for unpleasant women
of strong character.
176
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:20,040
Just what a man needs.
177
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:22,320
It's the toughest
training in the world.
178
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:27,980
It breeds a sort of matrimonial
Guards Division, wedlock's finest.
179
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:30,820
What about two hearts beating
as one and all that?
180
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:35,740
Well, that happens in its own way,
when you lie there night
after night,
181
00:11:35,740 --> 00:11:40,140
separated only by a few simple
garments of thick flannelette.
182
00:11:42,140 --> 00:11:44,360
Providing it's summer, of course.
183
00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:48,180
Where did you meet Mrs Clegg?
184
00:11:48,180 --> 00:11:50,800
It was at a chapel tea.
185
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:54,280
I asked for cream
but she converted me to custard.
186
00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:00,380
Afterwards, during the hymns,
I felt her take hold of my arm
187
00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:04,200
and all of the sudden I knew
it was no good trying to sneak
out to the pub.
188
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:08,240
What a rotten thing to do!
I had to pay my own bus fare.
189
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,800
Just look at it. I don't know.
190
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,540
Every time I raise my eyes these
days, he's in my line of vision.
191
00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:19,720
It's no use fighting against it,
I know deep down tha fancies me.
192
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,360
I've got strong masculine appeal.
193
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:26,080
It's very strong on damp days
and in poorly ventilated places.
194
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:29,740
Now then, cheeky, what do you know
about my poorly ventilated places?
195
00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:31,560
You see, you can't insult him.
196
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:35,220
He keeps appearing as if
he's rubbed some tatty lamp.
197
00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:37,100
You can't make a fool of him either.
198
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:38,440
Give us a kiss.
199
00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:43,400
Do you think he's real, or do you
think is one of them evil spirits?
200
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,900
He's got wicked little eyes.
Piercing.
201
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,860
That's what they are, piercing.
202
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:52,220
Little pointed hat.
It all fits if you see what I mean.
203
00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:55,560
His mother looked the part and
his granny used to read tea leaves.
204
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,240
She had to, she could read owt else.
205
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:02,120
Diabolical manifestation. Eh?
206
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:06,020
Witches, familiars and the like
who take human form
207
00:13:06,020 --> 00:13:10,580
for the confusion and peril
of Christian souls.
208
00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:11,880
That's him!
209
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:15,420
What we've got to do is give him
the supernatural attribute test.
210
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,980
No, I can't be an evil spirit.
211
00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:23,080
If I were, I should just give
three flicks of my magic wand
and you'd both be turned into stone.
212
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,360
I think one flick of yours
would be enough.
213
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,920
It says there that diabolicals...
Pardon?
214
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:32,140
Diabolicals have places where they
can't feel pain.
215
00:13:32,140 --> 00:13:33,600
Between his ears.
216
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,800
What we've got to do is turn him
upside down and shake it out.
217
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,180
But then all the blood
will rush to my head.
218
00:13:40,180 --> 00:13:41,920
You can catch it in your hat.
219
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:45,000
Down you go.
220
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:52,940
Me eyeballs are falling out.
221
00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:56,520
I haven't been in this state
since I were at Dougie's wedding.
222
00:14:04,380 --> 00:14:08,100
I knew tha'd get us thrown out,
holding me upside-down.
223
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:12,380
It was done in a detached spirit
of scientific inquiry.
224
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:15,820
You'd think that a librarian
would appreciate things like that.
225
00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:20,720
Had you been able to defy the forces
of gravity for as long as you
defied the forces of hygiene...
226
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:26,280
Get stuffed. You would have been
an evil spirit like your granny.
227
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,980
There were no need
to drop me on my skull.
228
00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:30,920
But it proved your innocence.
229
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,920
Now you're just foul,
not diabolically foul.
230
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,540
Shop!
231
00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:37,960
Come on, let's have some service.
232
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,460
Wait a minute.
Is your vest on fire or something?
233
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,200
I'll bet she wears a pointed hat.
234
00:14:48,580 --> 00:14:52,040
I'll bet she's out there now
stirring her cauldron. Oh.
235
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,740
There's a witch if ever I saw one.
236
00:14:53,740 --> 00:14:56,020
Bit of a load for
a broomstick, isn't she?
237
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:58,140
Ah, but cuddly with it.
238
00:14:58,140 --> 00:15:01,780
Just imagine having all that
and a touch of...
239
00:15:01,780 --> 00:15:05,420
# The old black magic...
240
00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:09,820
# The old black magic... #
241
00:15:09,820 --> 00:15:12,340
Shop! Belt up.
242
00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:15,780
Oh, sit down you looney pillock.
243
00:15:15,780 --> 00:15:19,580
No, leave him.
I think it's interesting.
244
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:23,360
The courtship dance
of the lesser spotted Herbert.
245
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:27,300
In a minute he'll start building
his nest, a simple structure
246
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,960
of mattress fluff
and old sporting chronicles.
247
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:34,900
Have you done with them taters?
I'm just finishing them. Well,
come over here where I can see you.
248
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:36,780
Oh, give your chin a rest, will you?
249
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:38,240
SHOUTS:
Don't raise your voice!
250
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,280
Oh, it must have been
a voice like that
251
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:44,500
that provided the inspiration
for the Spinal tap.
252
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:46,480
My key! I lost my key,
253
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,540
it must have fell out when you were
dangling me upside down.
254
00:15:49,540 --> 00:15:51,820
What key? The key to my front door.
255
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,500
When d'you ever lock your door?
256
00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:57,800
I told you they've
come to take my telly back
and John Wayne's on on Wednesday.
257
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,520
I don't know why you don't
go watch it in the shop.
258
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:00,320
I don't know why you don't
go watch it in the shop.
259
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,420
It's there more often
than your place.
260
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,160
I'm locked out now.
261
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,400
You'd better hurry,
the library closes in ten minutes.
262
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,000
Ah, come on.
263
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,200
There's the money for your bun.
Ta-ra, Sid.
264
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:16,500
Hey, when you've done that you
can get over to Harkison's
265
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,240
to fetch them crisps.
What to the other side of town?
266
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,860
Why don't you just shout a bit louder
they'll bring them round for you.
267
00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:24,760
Right, what can I get for you, lads?
268
00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:34,580
Hey, Fanny Craddock! What?
269
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:39,200
You were right when you said
the customers couldn't wait
to try your homemade buns!
270
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,700
Why didn't you look after it,
you dozy pleb?
271
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:51,460
Well, it were you that were
holding me upside down.
272
00:16:51,460 --> 00:16:53,960
Are you sure it's in the library?
273
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,420
It must be. Didn't you hear it drop?
274
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:59,080
I heard nowt but
the crunch of my skull.
275
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:04,240
Sorry about that, but don't think
it was any picnic at the other end
when your wellies slipped off.
276
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,620
We'll have to find Wainwright then.
277
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:14,600
Where does he live?
Top end somewhere.
278
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,980
Doesn't exactly pinpoint it does it?
279
00:17:16,980 --> 00:17:19,700
How the hell should I know
where Wainwright lives?
280
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:21,780
You can see he's
basically aggressive.
281
00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:23,180
You great gormless twit.
282
00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:27,720
That's exactly the sort of primitive
attitude that he used to make
school play times unbearable with.
283
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,100
He could never stand
the sight of blood.
284
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,780
And it was always mine.
285
00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:34,600
It was like having Genghis Khan
for milk monitor.
286
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,180
I know where she lives.
287
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:38,760
Genghis Khan was a lady?
I never knew that.
288
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,280
No, her what works in there.
289
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,660
Wainwright's fancy bit.
She'll know where he lives.
290
00:17:45,660 --> 00:17:47,120
Well, come on then.
291
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:03,380
Oh.
292
00:18:05,220 --> 00:18:07,060
Charming.
293
00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:08,840
It's you, you scruffy twallop.
294
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:12,380
We should have known better than
to bring him to a residential area.
295
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:17,520
Why? What's wrong with me?
It's nothing personal, it's just
that you're ugly and repulsive.
296
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,040
Oh. I'd sooner forget
when his wellies came off.
297
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:25,120
Talk about traumatic. I went
through Normandy without a scratch
but his feet are something else.
298
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,680
It's not him she's worried about,
it's all of us.
299
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,900
I'm sure it never is. Because we
know about her and Wainwright.
300
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:32,800
She's embarrassed, poor lass.
301
00:18:34,420 --> 00:18:39,900
I should think tha did go through
Normandy without a scratch, you
didn't get there till 1960.
302
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:44,680
Rubbish. I would lead us
into the battlefield. She thinks
we've come to cause bother.
303
00:18:50,540 --> 00:18:51,760
Is tha mam in?
304
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:55,200
Excuse me, young man.
Could we possibly have
a word with your mother?
305
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,880
He sounds just like an insurance
man. What are you trying to do?
306
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,460
Wreck a happy home? He's only 12.
307
00:19:01,460 --> 00:19:04,080
I wonder if you could...
He's never been strong.
308
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:07,660
Everything's always gone straight
to his chest. Oh, don't fret, Mrs.
309
00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:09,940
We only come about Mr Wainwright.
Ah!
310
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:17,280
Have you got any more little goodies
in your diplomatic bag?
311
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,740
Come on,
let's try the police station.
312
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:23,760
Hey up, I may not be tactful
but they can't lock me up for it.
313
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:32,660
He conceived the bold idea
of asking Nora Fogarty for
a lift...of her skirt.
314
00:19:32,660 --> 00:19:36,460
It put an end to those rumours
as to what she had printed
on her underwear,
315
00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:40,180
some said it was the device
of the Egg Marketing Board.
316
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:43,280
Whatever it was, it set him
off on the wrong foot.
317
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:50,320
He developed this penchant for funny
women and was last seen loitering
sadly outside Sugden's chemist.
318
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:56,860
Do I have to go in there? You should
be more at home than any of us.
319
00:19:56,860 --> 00:19:59,960
Your family were nearly
brought up here. Come on.
320
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:25,580
Hello, it's the general public.
321
00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:27,180
A peaceful demonstration?
322
00:20:27,180 --> 00:20:28,700
Good evening, officer.
323
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:31,360
Creeper.
324
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,300
Good evening, gentlemen.
325
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:36,820
All right, Simmonite,
you can smoke if you want.
326
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,820
Well, it's just a quick puff.
327
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:42,800
It'll have to be in here,
the inspector won't stand for it.
328
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,920
Don't you like the inspector?
329
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:56,160
He's all right but his cap's
always full of ash.
330
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:59,660
A very narrow-minded man,
the inspector.
331
00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:01,340
Rugby Union.
332
00:21:01,340 --> 00:21:05,100
Now then, you three,
on your travels have you been
anywhere near Markham's Yard?
333
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:07,520
No. Can't say we have.
334
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:11,020
So, you haven't seen anybody
loitering furtively?
335
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,600
Somebody's been nicking his eggs.
336
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,900
Malcolm lays eggs?
I never knew that.
337
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:18,840
He's got white leghorns.
338
00:21:20,420 --> 00:21:22,880
We will have, won't he,
if he lays eggs?
339
00:21:24,780 --> 00:21:26,860
Still got your ferrets, have you?
340
00:21:26,860 --> 00:21:30,100
Oh, aye,
just for sentimental reasons.
341
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:34,640
I know, they used to be more
Simmonite's down rabbit holes
then there were above ground,
342
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,820
I'm surprised more of you survived
that myxomatosis.
343
00:21:37,820 --> 00:21:39,540
Well, then, what is it?
344
00:21:39,540 --> 00:21:46,580
Oh, well, you see
he's left his house key at the
library and they've all gone home.
345
00:21:46,580 --> 00:21:49,640
And we're looking for
the address of the librarian.
346
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,400
They had me upside down.
347
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:57,620
Was there any improvement?
And then he thrown us out.
348
00:21:57,620 --> 00:21:59,440
What's his name? Bloody Wainwright.
349
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:03,360
Wainwright, B.
350
00:22:04,420 --> 00:22:07,660
All right, we'll have a look
in the electoral register.
351
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:09,600
Here we are, W.
352
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:14,460
Warrington, Wagstaff,
Wainwright B, Mrs.
353
00:22:14,460 --> 00:22:16,260
That sounds like him.
354
00:22:16,260 --> 00:22:19,760
GA, Mr, 10 Westlake Gardens.
355
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,420
GA, that rings a bell,
thank you officer. Come on.
356
00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:25,500
Hey, you, how's your Eric?
357
00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:28,780
He's champion.
Tell him we still miss him in court.
358
00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:32,340
Ah, yeah, well it wasn't his fault.
So he tried to explain.
359
00:22:32,340 --> 00:22:36,620
Well, can you find your
way to West Lake Gardens?
360
00:22:36,620 --> 00:22:38,600
Oh, aye, I'm like a homing pigeon.
361
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,420
Short, bandy legs.
Oh, no I'm not bandy.
362
00:22:41,420 --> 00:22:43,020
My wellies are bent!
363
00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:48,040
Is there anything else?
364
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,400
Ah, they dropped me on my skull.
365
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,600
Ah, the simple pleasures
of the poor.
366
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,840
Come on. What? Thank you officer,
thank you. Night, night.
367
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,700
I get this buzzing in my ears.
368
00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:15,600
We do not wish to hear that.
It interferes with my telly.
369
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:19,520
We have a profound non
interest in all your unseemly
personal experiences.
370
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,880
I wonder why Wainwright spends
all his time here, old-time dancing.
371
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,840
They say he discovered
a passion for it
372
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,880
as soon as he found
it was dear to the heart
373
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:28,980
of the chairman
of the library committee.
374
00:23:28,980 --> 00:23:32,060
Here, come away, they'll think
it's the Danes back again.
375
00:23:32,060 --> 00:23:34,240
Here, Charlie Harris
is tearing the tickets.
376
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,740
Oh, that's useful, he's a pain in
the buttocks at the best of times.
377
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:48,140
You can't come in here
without a tie.
378
00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:50,700
Get off.
Get him off, what's he doing?
379
00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:53,920
Hey, I've always wanted a dress
jacket like that. This colour.
380
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,760
How many colours do
you think they've got?
381
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,060
It's alright if you've
got the figure for it.
382
00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:00,880
And how are you going to get
hold of patent leather wellies?
383
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,740
By the straps at the top!
384
00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:08,620
I shall have to ask you to leave.
Oh, come on Charlie,
don't forget we've known you
385
00:24:08,620 --> 00:24:12,080
since you had gravy down your tie,
the same as anybody else.
386
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:16,520
This is the bi-weekly
formal function of the
old-time dancing fellowship.
387
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,260
No admittance without a ticket.
388
00:24:18,260 --> 00:24:21,520
Charlie, this is us,
come off your pedestal.
389
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:25,000
Don't forget that we've heard you
making rude imitation posterior
390
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,160
noises for the amusement
of the Conservative Club Committee.
391
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,280
And your Eileen had to get married.
392
00:24:33,900 --> 00:24:37,580
Oh, look, we only want to speak
to Wainwright. We won't be a minute.
393
00:24:37,580 --> 00:24:41,760
Aye, I know. And the moment
I turn my back you'll be chomping
your way through the cold buffet.
394
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,040
What is it? It's chicken. Oh!
395
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,600
Never you mind, what it is!
396
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:50,640
It's 15 new pence and you couldn't
get in any way in that state.
397
00:24:56,660 --> 00:25:00,240
What state? What's wrong with me?
398
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,100
Suppose he dresses like that
399
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:07,460
because he's an eccentric
millionaire with interests
in uranium and hedgehogs spotting?
400
00:25:07,460 --> 00:25:11,020
We're stuck with him you see and we
don't mind sharing him about a bit.
401
00:25:11,020 --> 00:25:13,520
He's not wearing a tie!
402
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:18,980
Oh, then show me the rules,
shagbasket.
403
00:25:18,980 --> 00:25:23,080
Show me the rule that says
where I've got to wear it.
404
00:25:30,580 --> 00:25:34,560
THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
405
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,300
Hello, Sid, I wouldn't go in there.
406
00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:42,280
Come on, you. Hey.
407
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:54,900
Hey, you.
408
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,020
Where the hell do you keep running
off to? Well, I need a pint, don't I?
409
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:03,400
You need smaller feet.
410
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:07,120
No wonder them shoes have lasted you,
you do most of your dancing on mine.
411
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:08,660
Well, I get dizzy.
412
00:26:08,660 --> 00:26:11,600
It's this sense of power
actually being allowed to leave.
413
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:15,060
Oh, hurry up and get your pint, I
want some foot work from you from you
414
00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:18,960
and after that you can
partner Mrs Morris in the
Dashing White Sergeant.
415
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,940
Oh, my God, talk about the nucleus
for a firing squad.
416
00:26:21,940 --> 00:26:24,460
Look, I came here to do some dancing.
417
00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:29,000
Fat chance with you, though.
You can't even hold me properly.
418
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,860
Put your neck in there.
419
00:26:39,220 --> 00:26:43,800
You could see his mother every
morning taking the milkman in.
420
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:51,100
At one time there was three of them
living off this wild, uncultivated
stretch of Seaforth Highlander.
421
00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:55,500
Keep his noise down. We've done
last three dances to the beat
of him crunching lettuce.
422
00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:56,980
Sydney you're a gentleman.
423
00:26:56,980 --> 00:27:01,400
Very true. And don't worry
about the bones. I'm sure
Simmonite will cope with them.
424
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,640
Right.
Oh, by the way, there you are.
425
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:08,420
I wish I could stay with you
and make a four up for solo,
but she'll be looking for me.
426
00:27:08,420 --> 00:27:10,140
Her and Mrs Morris have got radar.
427
00:27:10,140 --> 00:27:11,680
Here, where's Wainwright?
428
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,880
He's here,
he's creeping round the councillors.
429
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,000
No rush, we'll grab
him when he comes out.
430
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,980
Anyway I can climb in my back window
like we did here. Now he tells us!
431
00:27:19,980 --> 00:27:23,880
Having dragged us all over town
for his damn, blasted key.
432
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:26,320
Well, it was you
that made me lose it.
433
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,300
Oh, you potty little Herbert.
434
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,300
The cat told them.
The cat told them?
435
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:43,520
Saved them from the fire, woke
'em up pulling at the bed clothes.
436
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,760
Clever.
What did he give it for that?
437
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:50,960
He give it what any self-respecting
bloke would have given it,
a clout round the feline earhole.
438
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:53,440
He didn't know
the house was on fire.
439
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,500
I bet he thought
the cat were on fire.
440
00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:58,580
They sometimes give
that impression, cats.
441
00:27:58,580 --> 00:28:02,400
We had one down in the cookhouse
during the war.
442
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:03,660
I think it were German.
443
00:28:03,660 --> 00:28:07,720
At any road it never appeared
to be on our side.
444
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,800
Come to think of it,
neither did the cooks.
445
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:15,600
We had won at Cirencester, caught
its tail in a fire bucket handle.
446
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,860
What was the cook doing with his
tail in the fire bucket handle?
447
00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:21,240
A cat, you twillock!
448
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:25,700
Middle of the night, pitch black,
there it were, howling and spitting.
449
00:28:25,700 --> 00:28:27,340
Sounds like your Eric.
450
00:28:27,340 --> 00:28:31,300
It were a helluva job getting
it loose. But we did it.
451
00:28:31,300 --> 00:28:34,900
Everybody loved that cat,
it peed all over the lance corporal.
452
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,600
He come from Luton.
453
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,460
I think that's terrible.
454
00:28:43,460 --> 00:28:45,680
Oh no, we washed it
all out, eventually.
455
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:48,620
Not that, coming from Luton.
456
00:28:48,620 --> 00:28:50,800
I don't like playing
with marked cards.
457
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,420
Them cards are not marked.
458
00:28:52,420 --> 00:28:54,360
The ones you've handled all are.
459
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:58,120
Bits of lettuce, smudges of chicken,
and I don't know what.
460
00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:00,320
Oh, come on, let's play.
461
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:01,780
Gherkins are trumps.
462
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:10,380
Past my bedtime.
What's thou bothering for
if the Russians are coming?
463
00:29:10,380 --> 00:29:13,800
You'll see, I bet they're all at it
this very minute. Learning English.
464
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,920
Well that's not going to do them
a lot of good around here, is it?
465
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:20,160
If it isn't them, it'll be the
Chinese. 700 million of them.
466
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:23,540
If they don't wear ties, they'll
never get past Charlie Harris.
40142
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