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1
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,518
TED:
Now I remember a lot of stories
2
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,720
from back in the days
before I met your mother.
3
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:21,422
But there's one story
I don't remember.
4
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:24,825
Uncle Marshall still refers to
it as "The Pineapple Incident."
5
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,288
The night started
like any other.
6
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,027
We were downstairs at the bar.
7
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:29,832
On the house.
8
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,573
Wow!
Oh!
9
00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:32,599
It's my own concoction.
10
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,073
I call it the Red Dragon.
11
00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:35,242
Thanks, Carl.
Wow!
12
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,639
That was really sweet.
We're not really
13
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,570
doing shots, are we?
I hope not.
14
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:39,736
No, no, no.
15
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,843
Ugh! These look
kind of like blood.
16
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:46,084
Okay, I know that you've all
dismissed this theory before.
17
00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:48,824
But is there any chance
that Carl is a vampire?
18
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,449
That's ridiculous.
19
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:51,954
No, you guys, I'm serious.
20
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:52,815
Think about it.
21
00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:53,923
He always wears black.
22
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,264
We never see him in
the daylight, only after dark.
23
00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:57,460
Oh, my God.
24
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,431
That does describe a vampire...
25
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,960
or, you know, a bartender.
26
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,725
( laughing )
27
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:04,874
I should go get dressed.
28
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,268
Where you going, buddy?
Hot date?
29
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,440
I'll say.
30
00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,138
She's going out
with a billionaire.
31
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:10,840
Lily, I told you
not to call him that.
32
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,611
Wait, you're really going out
with a billionaire?
33
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,580
He's not a billionaire.
He's a hundred-millionaire.
34
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:16,608
Why do people always round up?
35
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:19,614
So, uh, where's
Thurston Howell taking you?
36
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:20,447
A charity dinner.
37
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:22,621
Yeah, $2,000 a plate.
38
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,490
$1,500. Stop rounding up.
39
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:26,486
And it's for Third World hunger.
40
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,790
You gonna put out?
41
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:29,856
What?
42
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:32,130
There's only one reason he's
taking her to this dinner,
43
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,600
and it's not so little Mutu
can get his malaria pills.
44
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:38,626
I think my soul just
threw up a little bit.
45
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:40,366
Well, I'm gonna be late.
46
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,641
You guys have fun.
47
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:42,769
Bye.
See ya.
48
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,413
Bye.
See ya.
49
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,508
You okay?
50
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:46,709
Sure. Why?
51
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,210
Oh, I don't know.
52
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,512
Girl of your dreams
dating a billionaire.
53
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:53,254
Okay, first of all,
hundred-millionaire.
54
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,615
And second, she's not
the girl of my dreams.
55
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:57,990
We're just friends.
56
00:01:58,018 --> 00:02:00,088
Look, it would not be smart
if we got together.
57
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,490
I mean, I'm looking to settle
down, she's looking for...
58
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,333
( snoring )
59
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,258
Wha...? You done? Great.
60
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,627
Check out table number four.
61
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:12,533
See that little
hottie on the end?
62
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,636
She's short
but has an ample bosom.
63
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,738
I love it.
64
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,639
She's, like, half boob.
65
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,241
Let's go.
66
00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:19,172
Yeah, and say what?
67
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:20,807
What's our big opening line?
68
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,941
I... uh...
69
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,606
Daddy's home.
70
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,145
Daddy's home?
Yeah.
71
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:30,021
Okay, you want us to go
over there right now
72
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,550
and say to those girls,
"Daddy's home"?
73
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,416
Really think about that, Barney.
74
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,415
Hmm.
75
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:37,757
Yeah, I think it's pretty solid.
76
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:40,860
Okay, think about this.
77
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:44,534
Is there even a single item on
the menu that has garlic in it?
78
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,395
Garlic fries.
79
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:49,374
Okay, well, I'll get
back to you.
80
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,673
Oh, Daddy's back.
81
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,065
See, if you'd taken a moment
to think about that...
82
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,407
Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten
83
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:58,553
this seven-digit
Father's Day card from Amy.
84
00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,549
Ah.
85
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,450
That worked?
86
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:02,652
I hate the world.
87
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,223
Ted, your problem is all you do
is think, think, think.
88
00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:07,393
I'm teaching you
how to do, do, do.
89
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:08,161
Doo-doo.
90
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,258
( chuckles )
Totally.
91
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:10,990
So I think a lot.
92
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,194
I happen to have
a very powerful brain.
93
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,157
It can't be helped.
94
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,764
Oh, yes, it can.
95
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,297
Interesting.
Oh.
96
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,572
Ted, I believe you and I
met for a reason.
97
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,741
It's like the universe
was saying, "Hey, Barney,
98
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,240
"there's this dude--
he's pretty cool--
99
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:26,242
but it's your job
to make him awesome."
100
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,507
Your brain screws you up, Ted.
101
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,582
It gets in the way.
102
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:31,510
It happened with Robin,
it happened with Half Boob,
103
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,475
and it's gonna
104
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,753
keep on happening
until you power down
105
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:38,422
that bucket of neuroses
inebriation-style.
106
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,622
So, what, you want me
to do a shot?
107
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:41,494
Oh, no.
108
00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:42,922
I want you to do
109
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,786
five shots.
Ooh. Ooh.
110
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,525
More interesting.
111
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,900
Barney, I think
you've officially...
112
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,269
No, don't think. Do.
113
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,200
Ted, he's right: you overthink.
114
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,804
Maybe you should overdrink.
115
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:56,896
( chants ):
Drink, drink...
116
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,307
Drink, drink, drink...
Drink, drink, drink...
117
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,540
Uh, Lily, will you tell these
guys how stupid they're being?
118
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:05,545
Guys, you are being immature
and moronic, and drink, drink...
119
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:06,779
Oh!
120
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,484
ALL:
Drink, drink, drink...
121
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,316
Drink, drink, drink...
122
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:11,721
( all cheer )
123
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:12,992
ALL:
Drink, drink...
124
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:16,560
Let me tell you something
about this brain, okay?
125
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:17,490
ALL:
Drink!
126
00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:20,555
Pure alcohol cannot
stop this brain.
127
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,464
ALL:
Drink, drink...
128
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,525
I love it! I love
it! I love it!
129
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:27,444
This brain, dear mortals,
is no ordinary brain.
130
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:28,238
ALL:
Drink, drink...
131
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,668
This is a super brain.
132
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:32,465
( all cheer )
133
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,376
This brain is unstoppable.
134
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:35,278
This brain...
135
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,549
And that's all I remember.
136
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:40,208
Except for a few other
hazy memories.
137
00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:52,989
But really, the next thing
I remember
138
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,796
was waking up
the following morning.
139
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,489
So there were some
unanswered questions.
140
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,688
How much did I drink?
141
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,020
How did I sprain my ankle?
142
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:25,185
( panting )
143
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,085
And who was this girl in my bed?
144
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,802
There's our rock star.
145
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,700
Okay, um...
146
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,132
What the hell happened
last night?
147
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,066
You really don't remember,
Superbrain?
148
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:39,143
So Uncle Marshall
and Aunt Lilly filled me in.
149
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,072
And how did you guys
like the shots?
150
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,238
I drank all five, bitch.
151
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,247
( laughs )
152
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:46,248
I love Drunk Ted.
153
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,379
Marshall thinks
you're a vampire.
154
00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:49,446
( laughs )
155
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:54,389
All right, if he pukes,
one of you guys cleans it up.
156
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,515
No dibs.
Oh.
157
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,227
No d... Damn it!
158
00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,158
Yes.
159
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,462
How quickly you all forget.
160
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,104
I haven't puked
since high school.
161
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:04,929
I am vomit-free since '93.
162
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,125
Vomit-free since '93.
163
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,037
That's funny.
164
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:09,238
I'm funny!
165
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,369
Who are you calling?
166
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:11,344
Robin.
167
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,771
Oh, bad idea jeans.
168
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:13,936
No, no, it's a great idea.
169
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,284
That's the whole point
of getting drunk.
170
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:16,408
You do things you'd never do
171
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:17,984
in a million years
if you were sober.
172
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:21,181
Says every girl you've
ever slept with.
173
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:22,384
Say what?
174
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,587
Hello, Robin. It's Ted.
175
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,419
Oh, hi, Ted.
176
00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:28,494
Hello, Robin. It's Ted.
177
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,192
Hi, Ted.
178
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,863
Sounds like you're having fun.
179
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:36,702
Robin, have I ever told you
that I am vomit-free since '93?
180
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:37,930
Listen, Ted,
181
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:41,265
I can't really talk right...
'93?
182
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:42,871
Dude, that's impressive.
183
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:46,173
Oh... I don't say this enough,
but you're a great woman,
184
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,306
and a great reporter.
185
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,880
You should be on 60 Minutes.
186
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,209
You should be
one of the minutes.
187
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,954
That's sweet... and odd.
188
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:55,921
But I'm kind of
on a date right now.
189
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,519
Yeah, and I disagree
with Barney.
190
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,191
Just 'cause this guy's
spending a lot of money
191
00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,189
doesn't mean
you have to put out.
192
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,821
Take it slow, Robin.
193
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,127
Take it slow.
194
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:07,388
Slow...
195
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,227
Bye, Ted.
196
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,461
Slow...
197
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:11,468
Wow, right.
198
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,469
That's why we don't do shots.
199
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,971
Friends don't let
friends drink and dial.
200
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,143
I need that phone back.
201
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,140
You'll get this back
at the end of class.
202
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,672
Ding. Class dismissed.
203
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:21,538
Here you go, kid.
204
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,975
You call whoever you want.
205
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:24,714
Thank you, kind sir.
206
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,405
At least someone
appreciates the fact
207
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,346
that I am doing
and not thinking.
208
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,390
And now, I don't think
I won't not go to the bathroom.
209
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:35,657
Was that necessary?
210
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,829
He is not making
smart decisions.
211
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,528
Exactly. It's like,
what's he gonna do next?
212
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,160
I don't know,
but I want to find out.
213
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:46,465
( "Voices" by Cheap Trick
plays )
214
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,270
Cheap Trick?
215
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,241
Oh, Ted.
216
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:52,370
( cell phone rings )
217
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,765
Hello again, Ted.
218
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:57,477
* Hey, it's me again
219
00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:02,616
* Plain to see again
220
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:09,264
* Please, can I
see you every day *
221
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:11,259
I love everyone in this bar!
222
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,261
( cheering )
223
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:13,532
And we love you, Drunk Ted!
224
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,397
* I'm a fool again
225
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,399
* I fell in lo...
226
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,274
Ow.
227
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,202
Ted?
228
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,067
Well, that explains the ankle.
229
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,276
Then we brought you home
and put you to bed.
230
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:31,308
Was there anyone else
in there with me?
231
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,615
Shh.
232
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,762
( whispers ):
There's a girl in there!
233
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:44,421
I know.
234
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:45,887
And a pineapple.
235
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:46,826
I know.
236
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:47,800
Who is she?
237
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,258
I don't know.
238
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,071
What the hell happened
to my jacket?
239
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,330
Whoa.
240
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,238
That girl in there
is alive, right?
241
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,312
I should call Barney.
242
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,680
Maybe he knows what happened.
243
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:05,446
( dialing )
244
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:10,148
( phone ringing )
245
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,086
( ringing continues )
246
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,427
Hello.
247
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:23,431
Why are you sleeping in our tub?
248
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:26,773
Uh, the porcelain keeps
the suit from wrinkling.
249
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,540
Wait, were you here when
I went to the bathroom
250
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,839
in the middle of the night?
251
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:33,311
Don't worry. I slept through it.
252
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,370
( laughs )
253
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,677
I totally didn't
sleep through it.
254
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,177
Oh, and wow, for a little girl,
you got a big tank.
255
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,353
How did you get
in here anyway?
256
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:44,082
We put Ted to bed around 1:00.
257
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,617
Oh, you put Ted
to bed, all right.
258
00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,994
You guys take care of me.
259
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,392
You guys are the best.
260
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,133
I love you guys so much.
261
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,800
Good night, Ted.
262
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,428
Love you, too, buddy.
263
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,201
I'm back, baby doll!
264
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,903
Hey!
265
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,365
Hey! Hey! Hey!
266
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,503
He rallies!
267
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,637
And the night begins now!
268
00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:07,844
All right.
269
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:08,635
Game face on.
270
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:09,676
Carl, two more.
271
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,510
All right, what do we
think of this one?
272
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,284
I think she...
273
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:14,153
( imitates buzzer )
274
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:15,621
Trick question. No thinking.
275
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,016
You know what time it is?
Huh?
276
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,321
It's do o'clock. Let's ride.
277
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:21,492
Bring it!
278
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:22,561
Hi.
279
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,626
Have you met Ted?
280
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,129
Excuse me.
281
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,596
You're calling Robin.
282
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,874
I'm calling Robin.
283
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,443
Ted, as your mentor
and spiritual guide,
284
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,171
I forbid you from calling her.
285
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:41,877
Oh, yeah?
286
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,139
What you gonna do?
287
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:49,115
If you complete that call,
I will set your coat on fire.
288
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,249
( snorts )
289
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,483
You're bluffing.
290
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,193
Hello, Robin. It's Ted.
291
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:57,833
Ted, for the last time, stop...
292
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,228
( screaming )
293
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,129
Ow!
294
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,260
Ted?
295
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,734
You set me on fire.
296
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,774
Real suede wouldn't
have gone up so fast.
297
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:07,499
You got robbed. This is a blend.
298
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,942
You set me on fire.
299
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,671
And who's the girl
300
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:13,806
in my bed?
301
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,385
There's a girl in your bed.
302
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,090
And a pineapple.
303
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,721
Am I the only one who's
curious about the pineapple?
304
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:31,758
Who is she?
305
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,432
I have no idea.
306
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:34,730
Nice.
307
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:35,602
TED:
You really don't know
308
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:36,658
who that is?
309
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,596
No. After I hosed you down
with the beverage gun,
310
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:39,731
I brought you back here.
311
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,437
I'd better not
have gotten burned.
312
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:45,509
Ah...
313
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,768
Did any of you write that?
314
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,977
"Hi. I'm Ted.
315
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,779
If lost, please call..."
316
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,781
Whose number is that?
317
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:55,223
I don't know.
318
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,248
Dude, call it.
319
00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:58,748
Ooh, hold on, I'm gonna
320
00:11:58,786 --> 00:11:59,946
make some popcorn.
321
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,228
Ooh. Okay, you can call now.
322
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,060
God, this is intense.
I love it.
323
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:13,695
MAN:
Hello?
324
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:14,943
Uh... hi.
325
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,268
Who's this?
326
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,973
You called me. Who's this?
327
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:19,965
It's Ted.
328
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,207
It's Carl from the bar.
329
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,282
TED:
And then Carl filled us in.
330
00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:26,751
Barney, you've always
taken care of me.
331
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:29,220
You are a gentlemen
and a scholar.
332
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,349
Go into
333
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,623
my stable
and take my finest stallion.
334
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,652
He's yours.
His name is Windjammer.
335
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:37,687
Sleep it off, bro.
336
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,130
I'm back, baby doll!
337
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:44,262
Yeah.
338
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:46,367
And I...
339
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:47,969
am gonna throw up.
340
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,573
I threw up?
341
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,014
Oh, my streak is over.
342
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,780
Vomit-free since '05
doesn't sound good.
343
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,510
Sorry, Carl. Go on.
344
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,345
Carl...
345
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,480
did you know the word
"karaoke"
346
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:05,185
is Japanese
for "empty orchestra"?
347
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,993
Isn't that hauntingly beautiful?
348
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,818
Are you a vampire?
349
00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:12,328
All right, I'm
cutting you off.
350
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,389
Go home and get
some sleep, Ted.
351
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,797
Yeah, the sun's gonna
come up soon.
352
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:20,330
Wouldn't want to be around
for that, would we?
353
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,327
Hey, how easy
354
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,198
do you think it would be
to sneak into the zoo?
355
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,406
I have to see some penguins,
like, right now.
356
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,468
All right, give me your arm.
357
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:29,207
Okay.
358
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,782
This way, if you pass
out in the gutter...
359
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,881
( laughs ):
It tickles.
360
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:37,624
...someone will call me,
and I will come get you.
361
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,420
Thanks, Carl.
362
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:40,852
We can't just be friends.
363
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:42,818
We're attracted to each other,
and we both know it.
364
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,486
Excuse me?
365
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:47,294
Me and Robin, me and Robin.
366
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,327
I have to make one more call.
367
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,602
Yeah, this'll go good.
368
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,367
( inhales deeply )
369
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,872
Hey, it's me again.
370
00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,705
Look, who are we kidding?
371
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:01,879
You and I are both attracted
to each other.
372
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:04,539
We-we're young, we're drunk--
half of us anyway--
373
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,007
and we only get one life.
374
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:08,346
So, why don't you come over
to my apartment right now,
375
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,721
and we'll think of something
stupid to do together?
376
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,150
Really? Great.
377
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,316
Wait. Really? Great.
378
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,586
Thanks, Carl.
379
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,455
It's Robin.
380
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:24,163
That's Robin
in there.
381
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,267
Did you guys...?
382
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,674
Oh, come on. You've
got to give me this one.
383
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,536
Those five shots got
you further with Robin
384
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:36,935
than your brain ever did.
385
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,377
See what happens
when you don't think?
386
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,751
You do.
387
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:42,079
More importantly,
you do Robin.
388
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,482
Come on.
389
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,418
All right, right over here.
( laughs )
390
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,394
But, uh, still,
391
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:50,422
what does this mean?
392
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:51,927
Are we dating now?
393
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,759
I-I mean, I never pictured it
going down this way,
394
00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,503
but maybe that's how
it had to happen.
395
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:56,498
I mean, think about it...
396
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,399
Someone get him a shot.
He's thinking again.
397
00:14:58,431 --> 00:14:59,671
You know what?
398
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:00,799
Hold on, man.
399
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,803
Maybe it's not such a bad idea
to think about this one.
400
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:04,695
You and Robin went down
this road before.
401
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,437
You got dinged up really bad.
402
00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:08,914
You know who might
have something to say
403
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,682
about Ted's future with Robin?
404
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,980
Robin. Go wake her up.
405
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,383
Wake her up and say what?
406
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,624
Daddy's home.
407
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:21,750
Good luck, buddy.
408
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,498
( phone ringing )
409
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:30,959
Hello.
410
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:32,568
Ted, it's Robin.
411
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,567
Are you sure?
412
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,176
Hey, Robin,
413
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:50,145
how are you?
Ted, I think
414
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:51,153
you and I should have a talk
415
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,954
about those phone calls
last night.
416
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,617
Do you mind if I swing by?
Ask her about
the pineapple.
417
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,815
Uh, yeah, sure,
come on over.
Thanks.
418
00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,827
No. Wait, d-d-don't come...
419
00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:01,929
She's coming over. Crap!
420
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,561
Wait. This is killing me.
421
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,626
We have to find out
who that girl is.
422
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,925
Trudy.
423
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:11,367
My name is Trudy.
424
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,984
TED:
And then, Trudy filled us in.
425
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,350
( laughs ):
I'm just surprised you
didn't dump him sooner.
426
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,349
I know. It's two years
of my life
427
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:23,381
I'm never getting back.
428
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,216
A little part of me wants
to just jump the bones
429
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:27,192
of the next guy I see.
430
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,460
( laughter )
431
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,058
Daddy's home.
432
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,960
Or the one after that.
433
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,192
Okay, fair enough.
434
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,997
I've got to prove a point
to a friend, so...
435
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:37,599
you just gave me your number...
436
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:40,599
and your name is Amy.
437
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,571
Ladies.
438
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,673
I love everyone in this bar!
439
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:46,735
( giggling )
440
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,413
Look at that idiot go.
441
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,511
He's kind of cute.
442
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,683
Ooh!
( thudding )
443
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,582
( laughing )
444
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:59,619
What are you doing
in the men's room?
445
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,490
What am I doing
in the ladies' room?
446
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,562
All right,
I came in here,
447
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,091
'cause I thought
I was gonna throw up.
448
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,526
Did you?
449
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:11,998
I did not.
450
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,571
And the streak continues--
vomit-free since
451
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,041
'93.
452
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,337
I'm sorry, Trudy. Go on.
453
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,072
I liked your
performance.
454
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,608
What, the karaoke?
455
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,912
Domo arigato.
456
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,084
I wish I had your guts.
457
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:29,654
Getting up and making a
complete idiot of myself.
458
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,452
So, do it.
459
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:32,654
I don't know.
460
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:35,755
Still, I've had
a pretty serious week.
461
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:38,228
I could sure stand
to do something stupid.
462
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,628
I'm something stupid. Do me.
463
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,630
( laughs ):
You're funny.
464
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,662
Hey, can I call you sometime?
465
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:45,827
Okay.
466
00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,125
Ha, ha.
467
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,637
Here, let me.
468
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:52,667
Why do they call it karaoke,
anyhow?
469
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:55,235
Was it invented by a woman
named Carrie Okey?
470
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:58,035
These are the kinds of things
I think about.
471
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:02,247
Karaoke is Japanese
for "empty orchestra."
472
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,822
Wow.
473
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:06,590
That's hauntingly beautiful.
474
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:09,288
( phone ringing )
475
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:10,992
Hey, it works.
476
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:13,363
Then I guess you're
gonna have to call me.
477
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:18,468
I got to make one more call.
478
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:19,398
( phone ringing )
479
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,802
Hello?
480
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,143
Hey, it's me again.
481
00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,599
Hey.
482
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,836
Look, who are
we kidding?
483
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,071
You and I are both
attracted to each other.
484
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,406
We're-we're young,
we're drunk--
485
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,111
half of us, anyway--
486
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,513
and we only
get one life.
487
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,184
So, I came over here.
488
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:37,324
And now I'm really,
really embarrassed.
489
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:39,788
Damn it, Trudy!
490
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,189
What about
the pineapple?
491
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,461
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry!
492
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:46,692
( knock at door )
493
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:47,686
Ah, Robin's here.
494
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,297
Um, look, Trudy,
495
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:50,799
I need you to hide
in my bedroom.
496
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,200
Why? Is that
your girlfriend?
497
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:53,872
Ah, no, that's not
my girlfriend.
498
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,400
Um, look, it's complicated.
499
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,035
Oh, you're married.
Yeah, I know.
500
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,039
I can't believe
I did this.
501
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,910
No, no, no,
I-I'm not married. Um...
502
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,069
I'll explain
after you hide.
503
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:08,724
Hey.
504
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:09,648
Hi, guys.
505
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,022
Hey, Robin,
top of the morning.
506
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,150
Hi.
Hi, Robin.
Good sweater.
507
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:15,685
Um, sorry I kept
calling you like that.
508
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,622
I was pretty drunk.
509
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:18,727
Uh, no kidding.
510
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,188
Those calls were really weird.
511
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,763
Look, Ted, maybe
we need to talk.
512
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:24,903
Let's go get a snack.
513
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,371
I love to snack.
514
00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:27,469
I'm good.
515
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:32,139
Hmm.
516
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,711
Come on, those calls
weren't that weird.
517
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,911
( clears throat )
518
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,680
TED:
Robin! Come hang out!
519
00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:44,975
Okay, I'm gonna make this sound
till you come hang out.
520
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:49,357
( nasally ):
Aaah....
521
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:52,059
( sound continues )
522
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:54,431
That goes on
for three-and-a-half minutes.
523
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,861
Without a breath?
524
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,695
That's got to be
some kind of record.
525
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,300
Oh, Ted, you can't do this.
526
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:00,572
Please.
527
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:01,770
We agreed to be friends,
528
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,501
and now you're making it
all confusing.
529
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:04,936
No, I'm not.
530
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,611
Look, I-I just turned off
my brain for the night.
531
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:07,769
Nothing's changed.
532
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,607
You've moved on.
I've moved on.
533
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,742
Really? You've moved on?
534
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:14,108
Yes. What, you
don't believe me?
535
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:16,776
( laughs )
Oh. Uh, okay.
536
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,917
Trudy, come on out.
537
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:21,452
You are gonna laugh.
538
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:23,258
Wait. You were with someone
last night?
539
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,730
Yeah, Trudy. She's cool.
540
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,088
Trudy, come on out.
541
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:31,527
Yeah, seriously,
it's okay.
542
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,534
This is so Trudy.
543
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:35,941
She's really shy...
544
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,198
I think.
545
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,936
Trudy?
546
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:46,978
Hi, Trudy. I'm Robin.
547
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:49,653
It's nice to meet you.
548
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:51,452
You're right.
She is shy.
549
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,494
I'm not making this up.
550
00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:54,749
She-she must have climbed
out the fire escape.
551
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,487
( laughs )
Whatever. Whatever!
552
00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:57,763
I-I don't care
what you think.
553
00:20:57,790 --> 00:21:00,630
Then why'd you hide her
from me?
554
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:03,460
Wow. You're good.
555
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:05,526
Anyone ever tell you
you should be
on 60 minutes?
556
00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:08,635
( laughs ):
Yes. You did... last night.
557
00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:09,338
Really?
558
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:11,169
( laughs )
559
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:12,943
Well...
560
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:15,482
Get some sleep, Ted.
You had a long night.
561
00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:17,638
And don't feel bad.
562
00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:20,277
I've woken up with worse.
563
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,486
( sighs )
564
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:29,318
TED:
I left Trudy a message,
but she never called me back.
565
00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:32,056
That's just how life works
sometimes.
566
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:33,861
You turn off your brain
for a night,
567
00:21:33,893 --> 00:21:36,603
and all your left with
the next day is a bad hangover,
568
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,299
a sprained ankle
and a pineapple.
569
00:21:39,332 --> 00:21:42,672
Oh, we never found out
where that pineapple came from,
570
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:44,542
but it was delicious.
35228
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