All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S01E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10

NARRATOR: Kids,
this is a Thanksgiving story.

Thanksgiving in New York
is a wonderful time.

It's a time for giving
of yourself,

for thinking
of your fellow man.

A time when
the unforgiving city

becomes a little kinder.

Well, I just ralphed.

How much did you guys
drink last night?

Not how much. What?

The Thankstini.

A fun and
delicious

new novelty drink
I invented.

Cranberry juice, potato vodka
and a bouillon cube.

Tastes just like
a turkey dinner.

Mmm, it's like
Thanksgiving in my mouth.

You want a good
holiday drink,

try his Kwanzaapolitan.

( car honking outside )

The shuttle's here!

He hasn't been back home
to Minnesota since Christmas.

He's a little excited.

Baby, we're holding up
the shuttle.

Do you have everything you need?

Toothbrush, pajamas, underpants.

Underpants.

So, Lil...

Marshall's family.

Whole weekend with
the future in-laws.

You excited?

Yeah, no, it'll be fun.

Lily, you just said,
"Yeah, no."

Did I?

No. I-I love Marshall's family.

Oh.
But yeah, no, it'll be great.

You just did it again.

Yeah, no, shut up.

Wait, so you're not going home
for Thanksgiving?

No, I have to work
on Friday. You?

I'm Canadian, remember?

We celebrate Thanksgiving
in October.

Oh, right, I forgot.

You guys are weird.

You pronounce the word
"out," "oat."

You guys are the world's leader
in handgun violence,

your healthcare system
is bankrupt,

and your country
is deeply divided

on almost every
important issue.

Your cops are called
"Mounties."

So probably hanging out
with Barney, then?

No. Barney's got his own
Thanksgiving tradition.

Thanksgiving
in a strip club.

Who's in?

The Lusty Leopard has

a surprisingly good
Thanksgiving buffet.

Plus they do this thing:

Heather dresses up
as a pilgrim,

and Misty dresses up
as an Indian,

and they share
a meal together.

Oh, Barney.

I'm sorry.

Native American.

I think I'm going to go to a
homeless shelter, serve food.

That's awesome.
Yeah, I thought

I'd just spend the day
giving back, you know?

Doing some good.

Canceling out Barney.

Exactly.

Where are all my underpants!

Did you check your suitcase?

Let's go!

NARRATOR:
And go they went...

all the way
to St. Cloud, Minnesota,

Marshall's hometown.

And as Lily stepped
into her fiancé's boyhood home,

she received a big welcome.

Hello! we're home!

Oh!
Hey!

A very big welcome.

You see, at six-foot-four,

Marshall was the runt
of the Eriksen clan.

Wow,
I forgot how tall you guys are.

Where's my almost
daughter-in-law?

LILY:
Here I am!

Oh...

Oh, you got yourself
a great little bride here, son.

All right, now.

No fartin' around!

Put your skates
and your pads on, boys.

Game on
in five minutes.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, you're gonna
play hockey?

With a basketball?

Well, it's a combination
of the two.

We call it bask-ice-ball.

We invented it.

It's the most dangerous
and awesome sport in the world.

Bask-ice-ball?

Not ice-ketball?

Ice-ketball?

That just sounds weird.

It's bask-ice-ball,
okay?

And I'm the best.

Oh, well,
Oh, you wish.

maybe that's just 'cause
you haven't seen me play.

Oh...

I don't know, honey.

It's not really a
sport for a girl.

Well, that's funny,

'cause your brother throws
like a girl.

ALL:
Oh...

Marcus!

This is going
to be great.

I know. I'm so
psyched we did this.

Look at all these people,

giving up their Thanksgiving
to help their fellow man.

These have got to be the
best people in New York.

* ... to grandmother's
house we-- *

'Scuse me, guys.
Coming through.

Barney?
Oh, hi, guys.

What are you doing here?

Oh, just the Lord's work.

But you're Satan.

Guys, okay, look.

I don't advertise it,
but I volunteer here.

I think it's important

to help the
less fortunate.

I'm the Angelina Jolie
of incredibly hot guys.

This is a joke,
right?

You don't actually
volunteer here.

Barney, we need you out front.

There is a logjam on
the stuffing line.

Can you show them
how it's done?
I'm on it.

Wait, so this is real?
Barney does this?

Every Sunday, all year long.

He's our best volunteer.

That's 'cause I was trained
by the best, Kendall.

Anyway, we're psyched
to be here, Kendall.

What do you
need us to do?

Uh, go home.

We're full.

What?
We're volunteers.

We're unpaid help.

Can you ever really have
enough unpaid help?

On the biggest volunteer day
of the year?

Yeah, you can.

Come on, we just want
to help out.

Kendall,
they're cool.

Fine, but I'm not promising
anything.

Wait here-- we'll let you know
if we need you,

Okay, well, I better get back
out there.

There's a lot of food
to give out.

And a lot of smiles.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I know it's early, but...

you are a future Mrs. Eriksen.

Thank you!

Well, it'll go great
with my, uh...

Aw.
I just love it.

Okay, Lily, we're
putting you on salad duty.

Oh, l make this great frisée
and endive salad

with a coriander-
lime vinaigrette.

But this is
an American holiday.

Lily,

now that you're going
to be a Mrs. Eriksen,

I'm going to let you in
on a secret recipe:

the Eriksen family
seven-layer salad.

Seven-layer salad?

"Six cups of mayonnaise"?

That can't be right.

Oh, no, dear.
16 cups.

Mayo's in that cabinet.

Oh, my God.

There is some serious
bask-ice-ball

going on out there.

Dad totally nailed
Marcus in the face

with a snowball,
which is a foul,

'cause you only get one
snowball per possession,

so I nailed him in the
shin with my skate,

and then I totally
dunked it.

Yeah, you were sittin' pretty

till I whacked you
with that mallet.

Hey, gorgeous.

You having fun?

Yeah, but...
but I kind of miss you.

Could you stay in here
for a little bit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
no problem.

It's halftime.

Oh, halftime's over!

Get your butts
out here! Come on.

And I hope you like
the taste of skate, dorko!

Go.

Thanks, baby.

Aw, isn't this great?

Can't you see why everybody
from my high school

stays in this town?

Hey, Marvin, you're
the dorko, dorko!

Man, it's amazing
out there.

I've done so much good today,

I've got, like, a soul boner.

Man, the way the faces
of the less fortunate light up

when you give them a hot,
nutritious meal.

Is there a better feeling
on Earth?

Yesterday you said
the best feeling on Earth

was getting
your toes sucked.

Then you requested
a high-five

with your foot.

Hey, Barn, what do you say
you let us sub in for you,

scoop stuffing
for a little bit?

You want to scoop stuffing
your first day out?

Hello? NFL?

Can I be quarterback
this Sunday?

Dude.

Okay, I finished

the gummi bear layer
of the... salad.

What's next?

Potato chips. Of course.

So, Lily...

when are you gonna start
thinking about having a baby?

Baby?

Uh, you know, I hadn't
really thought about it.

At all.

NARRATOR:
Actually, Aunt Lily was lying.

It was all she'd been
thinking about.

You see, remember
when she said...

Well, I just ralphed...

NARRATOR:
At that point,
she was five days late.

This was day six.

Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young
to have a baby, right?

Oh, are you kidding?

I was younger than you
when I had Marcus.

Beautiful
15-pound boy.

Not much bigger
than this turkey right here.

Oh, my.

NARRATOR:
Now, if Lily was already uneasy

about joining
the Eriksen family,

imagine how she felt
about possibly having

a 15-pound Eriksen
growing inside of her.

That's a big baby, Judy.

The doctor thought he was twins.

( weak laugh ):
Twins!

Twins!

This is crazy!

When did it get so hard
to do charity work?

I do charity work all the time.

Remember when I said
I'd find you a girlfriend?

Delightful.

How's that little project
coming along anyway?

I'm working on it.

I'm gonna introduce you

to that girl
you've been staring at.

What? That's crazy,
I haven't been staring

at any girl...
Have you met Ted?

Hi. I'm the
aforementioned Ted.

And this is...
um, gone.

I'm Amanda.
Hi.

So, uh, what do you
do here, Ted?

Well, I've been...
um, nothing.

I do nothing.

Well, if you want
to do something,

you and your girlfriend
can help

sort through
these donations.

I'm not his girlfriend.

I used to be, but, um,

I just wasn't enough woman
for Ted emotionally

or sexually.

( whispering ):
Oh, my God.

So, Amanda...

What do you need us to do?

Okay, this is important.

Go through all these boxes
of food donations,

take out the really good stuff,

and put it into this box.

Got it.

Consider it sorted.

Hey, we're in business.

Hey, Barney's not gonna get
all the glory today.

Let's start
with this one.

Yeah.

Amen.

ALL:
Amen.

Look who came
to say good night.

It's little Martin.

Three months old.

Months?
Three months?

He's been drinking
his milk.

( all agree )

And she's already
pregnant again?

Well, that's 'cause those
Eriksen boys' boys can swim.

They got two tails
and a drill bit for a head.

Dad, you're
embarrassing me!

Oh, don't worry about it, son.
She's cool.

She's going to be an Eriksen.

Yeah. well, well, not literally,

'cause, you know,
I'm keeping my name.

But... the apron.

Well, we haven't
actually decided

anything yet, so we're...

LILY:
No, I've decided,

and I'm keeping my own name.

But Eriksen is
a great last name.

People know the Eriksens.

Well, sure, in St. Cloud,

but our kids aren't going to
be growing up in St. Cloud.

Right, baby?

Well, why not St. Cloud?

I mean, I loved
growing up in St. Cloud.

St. Cloud is a great place
to have a childhood.

Well, so is New York.

( all laughing )

LILY:
What? It is.

And we grew up just fine.

And we grew to the proper
size, and then we stopped.

Hey, Amanda, what's
this box for?

Oh, that's for me.

You can put it in my car.

In your car, um,
then you'll take it...?

Home. Yeah, we get so much extra
food, no one can eat it all.

Oh, truffle oil. Score!

People donated this food

thinking it was going
to feed the hungry.

I know. And I'm starving.

But, Marshall,
you love New York.

Yes, l do, but you always said

that when we have kids, you
wanted to move out of Manhattan.

Yeah, to Brooklyn.

Why are we even
talking about this?

This is, like,
way down the road.

But Lily knew
"way down the road"

might not be
so far down the road.

I need to go to
the restroom.

Lily, the restroom's
the other way.

So she headed down the road.

( door slams )

Lily?!

( car starting )
Lily!

So, wait, not only have you not
done any good for anyone today,

you're actually helping someone
steal from the homeless?

You know, Ted, it's called
Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking.

Damn.

Barney, you needed me to sign
your time sheet, right?

BARNEY:
Oh, yeah, right.
Thanks.

Barney.

Yeah, what's up?

You have a time sheet?

No one else has
a time sheet.

Yeah. So?
All right, let me see that.

Hey, that's my private,
personal business!

Court-mandated
community service?

Oh my God,
you're on probation?

What did you do?

That's my private,
personal business.

( siren wailing )

I was unfairly punished
because the wall

belonged to the judge's church.

You peed on a church?

I peed in an alley,
which happened to have a church,

which I did not see
because I was drunk.

Oh, you are evil.

Ah, all's right
with the world again.

Okay, fine, so a judge
is making me do this.

But I'm still doing it.

And kicking ass at it, BTW.

When's the last time either
of you did something good, huh?

Kendall. Ah, Kendall.

Amanda is stealing portobello
mushrooms from homeless people.

Amanda.

I called dibs on the
portobello mushrooms.

Those are for the hungry.

I know.

And I'm starving.

Those are good mushrooms!

Mushrooms. Mushrooms.

Portobello mushrooms
for everyone.

Take them and run!

They're very expensive.

Happy Thanksgiving.

"Happy Thanksgiving." Huh.

As in, "Check out the chick

"buying the knock-up test,
everybody.

Wonder what must be going
through her head."

Yeah, well, since you asked,

a family of mayonnaise-guzzling
giants is trying to suck me

into their suburban nightmare,
and there's a solid chance

that I have an Eriksen
the size of a 15-pound turkey

growing inside of me!

Oh, you know the Eriksens?

You're Marshall's fiancée.

Fantastic.
So nice to meet you.

Ugh, I'm sorry
I just yelled at you.

You mind if I use your bathroom?

Don't have one.

So, what do you do
when you have to...?

I hold it.

( slurping )

You can't fire
a volunteer.

Apparently you can.

And his two non-
mushroom-throwing friends.

I can't believe I told
Kendall you guys were cool.

I have 40 hours left
on my community service,

and now I've
got to spend it

spearing trash
on a freaking median strip.

Volunteer of the year!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay?

Look, if there's
anything I can do

to make it up to you, just
tell me. I'll-I'll do it.

Ted, I'm glad you asked.

* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

* Domo... domo

* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

Surprisingly good.
Right? I told you so.

Public urination.

Who gets arrested
for public urination?

Lily's been arrested.

Oh, dear. What for?

Public urination.

Thanks, Pete.

No problemo, Marsh.

You all right?

No. I embarrassed myself
in front of your family,

and now I'm
celebrating Thanksgiving

in probably the most
depressing place ever.

* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto...

Well, I'm glad
that you're safe.

Hey, weird question.

Why did you drive three miles
down Route 23

and take a pee
behind a convenience store?

Okay, I'll tell you,
but before I do, promise me

that we are not gonna move to
St. Cloud, Minnesota. Promise.

Look, I'm not suggesting
that we move here tomorrow.

I'm just...
Just promise.

Why do you want me
to promise you that?

Because I don't
fit in here.

I'm not eight feet tall,

and I don't think
you can call it a salad

if it has Funyuns in it.

I'm Funyuns.

And mayonnaise and gummi bears
and bask-ice-ball,

and I love St. Cloud.

And, yes, there is a part of me

that would like
to move here someday,

and why are we
having this discussion

in a jail cell on Thanksgiving?

Okay, personal effects.

One wallet.

One cell phone.

One... pregnancy test.

Pete arrested me
before I could look at it.

Whoa.

Look, I don't want to be
exactly like my family.

And don't take this
the wrong way,

but I don't want to be exactly
like your family, either.

We'll be our own family.

And we'll find our own way
to freak out the people

our kids bring home.

Great, now I'm crying.

Look, we may have some
really big decisions to make

in about ten seconds.

But right now,
I don't care

where our
kids grow up,

as long as they have
you for a father.

Gosh, I hope
you're the father.

Just a little joke to
lighten up the mood.

What does it say?

I'm afraid to look.

PETE:
It's negative!

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God.

And, hey!

Ted. Are you listening?

You're a good guy.

Want to know
why I have to work tomorrow?

My firm's designing an executive
lounge for a tobacco company.

In the fight against cancer,
I'm on the side of cancer.

Okay, Ted, I found a way
for you to help someone.

To do some good.

This is Walter.
Walter is homeless.

And Walter would like
a lap dance.

Are you joking?

I never joke
about the sublime art
of burlesque entertainment.

No, Barney,
that's insane.

Sir, would you like me to buy
you a ticket to the buffet?

No, I'm stuffed.
Just a lap dance will be fine.

Ted, Walter's been
to three shelter dinners.

You know
where he hasn't been?

To heaven
with Samantha.

Look, it's the one chance
you've had all day

to help
someone in need.

Now, buy this man
a lap dance.

You said
you wanted to see

the look of joy
in someone's eyes.

You know, I don't think
I'm going to watch.

Here you go, Walter.

Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

Thank you so much.

No, really.
Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

Thanksgiving in November.

Weird.

* I treat it like
a high school dance... *

NARRATOR:
So, that was Thanksgiving 2005.

To be honest,
it didn't go great.

But life has plenty
of good parts.

It's the rough parts
that make you thankful

you have people
to share it with.

* But I would only
stare at my shoes *

* You belong to me

* I belong to you...

Hey, I saw what you
did for that guy.

It was really sweet.

Do you want a dance?

Uh, no, thanks.
Do you want some yams?

No, thanks.

I'm Amber.

I'm Ted.

Actually... I'm Tracy.

Still Ted.

And that, kids,
is the true story

of how I met your mother.

What?!
What?!

I'm kidding.

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