All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S01E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

TED:
So, kids, there are many
buildings in New York City.

Thousands of apartments,

millions of stories.

And, even though
it's been decades,

and someone else
lives there now,

there's one apartment
in particular

that will always be
our apartment.

I have so many great memories

of that place.

Marshall playing
video games.

Lily painting
on the fire escape.

MAN:
Hey!

Sorry, Mr. Matson.

And me making the coffee.

I had this coffee pot--

it was probably 50 years old
at the time--

and it made truly
terrible coffee.

We called it Shocky.

Plugging in.

Saving game.

( groans )

I loved every last detail

of that place,

right down to the incredibly
tacky swords

we hung on the wall.

I never wanted
any of it to change.

But that's not how
life works.

You guys will never believe

what just happened to us.

I don't even believe
it myself.

LILY:
We were in Queens,

and we decided to stop by
my apartment.

Wait. Her apartment?

I thought Aunt Lily
lived with you and
Uncle Marshall.

I could see how
you would think that,

but I have to have
my own place.

It's an independence thing.

When was the last time
you were there?

Three months ago.

What?

It's like fat pants.

You hope you never
have to use them,

but you're glad
to know they're there.

What the hell?

What?

This is my apartment.

Where?

Right here.

What the hell?

Lily, this is
a Chinese restaurant.

No, no. This was
my apartment.

My dresser was right...

( gasps )

That's my dresser!

And this is my closet.

And I spilled

nail polish there.
There's the stain.

Hi. How many?

Lily.

Yes. You know me?

Yeah. From your
homecoming picture.

You're much prettier

in person.

Yeah, I know.
The bangs were a mistake.

Where's my stuff?!

Oh, it's all in the back.

We could wrap it up for you.

You want it to go?

This is my apartment.

Not anymore.

No way.

You're making this up.

Yeah, the building would have

had to give you
some kind of notice.

They sent you a notice
about this.

When?
Three months ago.

And here's your mail...

minus magazines.

Well, still, legally, they can't
just toss you out on the street.

You have a lease.

Okay, so I didn't have
a written lease as such,

but go ask

my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.

She may be 98 years old,
but she's still...

She's dead, isn't she?

Never even saw the bus.

My apartment is
a Chinese restaurant.

What am I going to do?

Come live with us.
Really?

Of course.

You sure about
this, Ted?

Yeah. I mean, you basically
live here anyway.

It's not like it'll
change anything.

No, it's like it will
change everything.

Oh, Ted,

you are so screwed.

What are you talking about?

And why is that girl

checking you out?

Because I look good.

Now, focus.

You and Marshall
are roommates.

You have an
amazing apartment.

Marshall and Lily
just got engaged.

Yeah, so?

So, you're not still
going to be his roommate

when he gets
married, are you?

Someone's going
to move out.

So who's it going to be?

Come on, Barney,
I'm sure they've talked

about who
gets the apartment.

You've talked
about who gets
the apartment, right?

Yeah, we've talked
about it.

So, when Lily
and I get married,

who's going to get
the apartment?

Oh, that's
a tough one.

You know who I think
could handle

a problem like that?

Who?

Future Ted
and Future Marshall.

Totally.

Let's let those guys
handle it.

Damn it, Past Ted.

You blew it, dude.

Now that Lily's there,
it's a whole new dynamic.

They're edging you out.

That's crazy.
They're not edging me out.

Marshall's my best friend.

( gasps )

One of my best friends.

He wouldn't do that to me.

Just keep your eyes open.
That's all I'm saying, Teddy.

Little things

are going to be changing
around that apartment.

Come on, Barney, you're
just being paranoid.

Okay, seriously,
what is this girl's deal?

I'm sort of on
a date with her.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

I found her online.

I'm tired of
the whole bar scene,

the one-night hookups.

I'm looking for
a soul mate.

Someone who

I can love and cuddle.

Or so it says
in my profile.

( evil laughter )

But this girl...

she wants the same stuff.

And it's...
it's bumming me out.

All right, Ted,
call me from the hospital.

All right.

You're going
to the hospital?

No. See, he's going

to go back over there,
and I'm going to call him.

He's going to pretend it's
an emergency call

from a family member
at the hospital.

Oh, Lord.
Fake emergency?

That is the lamest,
most pathetic cop-out

in the book.

I expect more
from you, Barney.

Well, stay tuned.

I'm working on
some stuff.

But, in the meantime,
wish me luck.

So, are you going
to talk to Marshall?

He's going to want
the apartment,

I'm going to want
the apartment.

It's going to lead
to an argument. So, no.

Hmm, that's real healthy.

So, when a serious
issue comes up,

your response is just
to avoid it?

I should really make this call.

Ooh, can I do it?

( phone ringing )

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi, there... sexy.

Hello, Aunt Cathy.
What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just sitting here
thinking about you,

hot stuff.

An accident?

Well, is Uncle Rudy
going to be okay?

Aunt Cathy's got an itch

that only you can scratch,
big boy.

Oh, God!

Why did he think he could build
his own helicopter?

Oh, come on, Daddy, break me off
a piece of that white chocolate.

Well, if he needs
a transplant,

he can have mine.

( voice breaking ):
I'll be right there.

You know... I...

( sobbing )

See you guys later.

Put it on my check.

Ah! This will be nice.

The three of us
living together.

I think it's a good setup.

Man, this coffee's great.

It's really great.

Too great.

What happened to Shocky?

( gasps )

What's this?

My coffeemaker
from my apartment.

It makes great coffee, right?

TED:
Yeah, definitely.

I mean, so does Shocky.

MARSHALL:
Really?

I always thought

Shocky's coffee
tasted kind of rusty.

Yeah, no, it did.

I mean, I kind of liked
the rusty taste.

I'm used to it.
I don't know.

Also, Lily's coffeemaker
doesn't, you know,

shock people.

No, it's just...

You got to admit
that shock, that...

wakes you up in the morning.

You know what else
wakes you up in the morning?

Coffee.

That's great.

You're right.

Roomies.

Ha! I love it.

They're edging me out.

They're totally
edging me out.

I didn't believe it,
but you're right.

Told you.

That Lily--
she's a shrewd one.

Yeah, she got you a nice new
coffeemaker.

How dare she.

It's not just
the coffeemaker.

Done.

The painting's done.

That is great.

Nice.

Where do you want
to hang it?

I don't know.

Uh...

Over the piano?

Yeah, that would be
a good place for it.

Too bad the swords are there.

We kind of love those swords.

Well, those swords have been
up there a long time.

I know, right?

I'd really miss them, too.

So, maybe Marshall's room.

Okay.

He was going to take
the swords down.

Can you believe that?

Ted, why don't you

just talk to him.

He's your best friend.

( sputtering )

One of your best friends.

The point is,

maybe it's time for some
healthy communication.

Healthy communication?

That's the worst idea ever.

Look, you held off their first
advance. That's good.

Now it's time to counterstrike.

Yeah, well,
what am I supposed to do?

You got to mark
your territory.

And I don't mean
missing the toilet.

You've got to do something big.

What, like buy a new sofa?

Bigger.

Katie's here.
Okay, real quick...

last night-- epiphany--

I realized what the world
of dating needs.

Ready? A lemon law.

A lemon law like for cars?

Exactly.

From the moment
the date begins,

you have five minutes
to decide

whether you're going to commit
to an entire evening.

And, if you don't,

it's no hard feelings.

Just, "Good night.
Thanks for playing.

See you never."

Huh? Huh?

The lemon law--
it's going to be a thing.

Possibly,
starting right now.

Hi, Katie.
Barney.

( loud obnoxious voice ):
Hi.

It's good to finally
meet you.

Hmm, yeah.

Katie,

you are about to be
a part of history.

Tell your friends.

It's going to be a thing.

Man, Ted's been
acting weird.

He started labeling
all his food.

He even carved "Ted"
into that block of cheese.

Yeah.

Well, now it's Ed's.

I think he's not cool

with me moving in.

No, that's not it.

You've basically lived here
all along.

Ted loves you.

So what's he PMSing about?

I don't know.

But, when he's ready
to talk to me about it,

he'll come and talk
to me about it.

Are you kidding?

You guys never talk
about anything.

( knocking )
He'll just let it

fester under the surface

until he doesn't something big
and passive-aggressive.

You clearly don't know Ted.

Delivery for Ted Mosby.

Your English phone booth
arrived.

Oh, awesome!

It's great, right?

Yeah, I guess.

I'm just not sure if
Lily's going to like it.

Well, I like it,

so I'm just going
to keep it right here,

if that's cool.

Of course.

I mean, we all
live here, so...

we should all be able to have
things the way we want them.

Exactly.

Great.

Terrific.

You like the phone booth,
it stays.

I like this painting...

so I'm just

going to hang it...

right here on the wall.

Mmm.

Oh.

So it's like that, is it?

( imitates phone ringing )

( British accent ):
Oh, hello, guvnor.

Oh, it's like that,
isn't it?

Cheerio.

( normal voice ):
Yeah, it's like that.

I want this apartment!

Well, I want it, too!

You're a jerk.

No, I'm a visionary.

Lemon law!
It's going to be a thing.

For the record,

your little lemon law
is a symbol of everything

that's wrong with our
no-attention-span society.

No. Wrong.
Lemon law's awesome.

It takes longer than
five minutes

to really get
to know someone.

You keep giving up
on people so quickly.

You could miss out
on something great.

Okay, you're on a blind date.

Sitting across from
the table is... that guy.

You really think it'll take
more than five minutes

to realize there will be
no date number two?

Yes, I do.

For all I know,
that guy's my soul mate.

Oh...

bad move, Scherbotsky.

Hi.

Have you met Robin?

Hi.

Hi.

All right, Marshall,

we're deciding right now
who gets this apartment.

May lead to an argument,

but we're settling this.

Or we could flip a coin.

Yeah, let's flip a coin.

Flip it.
Okay.

I'm flipping it.
Here I go.

Flip it.
Okay, here I go.

Flip it.
I'm flipping.

Go ahead.
Flip it.
I'm flipping.

But, before I do, I just
want to say something.

You didn't even want to move
in here in the first place.

You said a prewar building
was bad for your allergies.

That was five years ago.
Now you can get

prescription-level
antihistamines over the counter.

Oh, snap.
What else you got?

Okay, I'm flipping.
Heads or tails?

You don't need two rooms.

Heads or tails, Marshall.

Like you need two rooms.

We might be starting
a family soon.

Oh, no, you're not.
There's no way you're
having a baby

while you're still
in law school.

It's going to be
at least three years.

It could be sooner.

We're not that careful
with our birth control.

Two-zip.

Oh, come on!
You know damn well,

I move out,
that room's going unused.

Oh, and I suppose
you'll get a new roommate.

Who's it going to be?
Barney?

You know, he cooks naked.

Yeah, well, at least

Barney wouldn't take
the swords down.

We were bros!

These swords represent
our bro-hood. And you took

them down to make

room for your fiancée's
stupid painting?

My fiancée?

Suddenly she's "my" fiancée?

Lily's a part of
who I am.

And, if you're such a bro,

she's a part of
who you are, too.

She's a bro by extension.

I deserve this apartment,
Marshall.

No more than I do.

Great.
So let's flip for it.

Flip it.

So is this how
we're deciding who
gets the apartment?

I guess so.

How we doing this exactly?

Is this, like, to the death?

We should probably
figure that out.

Ooh! Ow. Ow.

He's okay, he's okay.

Can I observe something?

That this is kind of awesome?

Totally.

I can't believe
we didn't do this before.

I know.

Thank you.

I can't believe this.

I'm sitting here with
a beautiful woman I just met,

eating at
my favorite restaurant.

Sweet.

It's a nice place.

It's good to know
the future has ribs.

In the future,
food will most likely

be served in gel cap form.

Plus, cows will probably
have died out by then.

Or be our leaders.

( cell phone rings )

Hello.

( chuckling ):
H-H-H-H-Hey.

Time's running out, Scherbotsky.

Last chance for the lemon law.

Leave me alone.

4:56, 4:57,

4:58...

We're only just getting
to know each other.

Say I'm right
and this could all be over.

This could be your call
from the hospital.

Sorry.

Let me guess.

There's been a crazy accident
and you have to go.

No, I would never do that.

I don't want to go anywhere.

I'm all yours.

Look, if you're a hooker,

I don't have a lot
of money...

( yelling )

Oh, that was awesome.
I know.

Do it again.
Okay.

But this time jump up
and I'll swipe your legs.

( yells )

Look...

here's why I should
get the place.

You and Lily,
you get to be married.

What do I get, right?

I get to be unmarried, alone,
minus two roommates.

And, on top of that,
I have to be homeless.

Does that seem fair?

Oh, boo-freakin'-hoo.

What?!

"Woe is me!

"I'm not married yet.

My ovaries are shrinking."

Ted, if you wanted to
be married by now,

you would be,
but you're not.

And you know why?

Because
you're irrationally picky,

you're easily distracted
and you're utterly anhedonic.

"Anhedonic"?

Anhedonic. It means
you can't enjoy anything.

The hell I can't.
I'm enjoying this.

I know. This rules!

( yells )

Hey.

I'm sorry I took
those swords down.

Dude, that's okay.
It led to this

totally rad swordfight,
didn't it?
Yeah, it did.

( grunts )

You remember when we
first got these swords?

It was the day we moved in.

Congratulations, Marshall,

we live in an apartment
with swords on the wall.

List of lifelong dreams,
you're now half as long.

Crap, I'm missing one
of the screws for this table.

Just use this wood glue.

It'll hold.

Yeah.

( grunting, yelling )

( Lily screams )

Oh, God!
I'll be right there.

Kevin, I'm

so sorry. I have to go.

My friend's been stabbed
with a sword.

Hab Slosi' Quch!

It's a Klingon insult.

You have no honor.

You know,

if you felt this way,
you could've just been up-front.

No, I swear, that was
a real call. I just...

Oh, forget it.

I stabbed Lily.

I stabbed my fiancée.

Come on, Marshall.

Do you really think
she's still your fiancée?

I'm kidding.

Hey, I think you guys
should have the apartment.

But you fought
so bravely for it.

I wasn't fighting
for the apartment,

I was fighting for...

I don't know...

for everything
to stay the way it is.

But I'm not going
to get that, so...

seriously,

take the place.
It's yours.

Is she okay?

They're just patching her up.
She's going to be fine.

So get this: I was on a date
with this girl, Jackie...

What? You said she's fine.

So, anyway, I was on a date
with this girl, Jackie...

Wow, Jackie, you
make a really great
first impression.

I have a feeling

that tonight you might
end up being Jackie...

oh.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm going to have
to lemon law you.

It's out there.

It's a thing.

The lemon law is a thing!

Damn! I should've called it
Barney's law.

But you totally...

Just let him
have this one.

All set.

She said she'd like to see

the knights of the poorly
constructed roundtable?

That's us.

A sword fight?

Sorry, Lily.
Sorry, Lily.

On Monday, I'm going to have
to tell my kindergarten class,

who I teach not to run
with scissors,

that my fiancé ran me through
with a frickin' broadsword.

Well, just to be fair,

it didn't go
all the way through.

I'm sorry. Is this a discussion
of the degree

to which you stabbed me?

You're right.

I'm sorry.

We were fighting to see
who gets the apartment,

and I won.

Uh, you didn't win.
I...

Uh...
...gave it to you.

You know what...?
Wait, wait, wait.

I don't want that apartment.

It's a boy apartment.

It's... full of swords
and video games and...

kind of smells like dude.

I mean, it's fine for now.

But, when we get married,

I want to start
a new life with you...

in a new place.

Gonna miss
the old place.

I will, too.

But we're not going to get
married for, like, a year.

Yeah, that's Future Marshall's
problem.

Let that guy deal with it.

Totally.

Maybe it's the massive
blood loss talking,

but I'm starving.

Let's go get
some dinner.

I know just the place.

Chinese restaurant.

I still don't believe it.

I told you.

Hey, a toast.

Life is full of changes.

One day you have an apartment,

the next day it's
a house of dumplings.

But the important stuff
doesn't change.

To the important stuff.

Hear, hear.
Cheers.
Cheers.

And to the lemon law.

Self-click.

And, by the way,
I bought these glasses.

Bought them at Ikea.

These are my glasses!

I love this song.

I haven't heard this
in forever.

And I'm pretty sure
this is a mix tape

you made me in sophomore year.

Yeah, right.

Lily, your apartment makes
the best Shanghai dumplings.

( on tape ):
I love you, Lily.

Happy Valentine's Day 1998.

( laughing )

* I get knocked down,
but I get up again *

* You're never
gonna keep me down *

* I get knocked down,
but I get up again *