All language subtitles for Chappelles.Home.Team.Donnell.Rawlings.A.New.Day.2024.WEBRip.NF.en[cc]

[birds chittering]

["Feeling Good" by Nina Simone plays]

♪ Birds flyin' high, you know how I feel ♪

♪ Sun in the sky, you know how I feel ♪

♪ Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel ♪

♪ It's a new dawn
It's a new day ♪

♪ It's a new life for me, yeah ♪

♪ It's a new dawn
It's a new day ♪

♪ It's a new life for me ♪

♪ Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo ♪

♪ And I'm feeling good ♪

- [song continues]
- [audience cheering, applauding]

♪ Fish in the sea, you know how I feel ♪

♪ River running free
You know how I feel ♪

[applause drowns speech]

♪ Blossom on the tree
You know how I feel... ♪

What's up, New York?

♪ It's a new dawn
It's a new day ♪

♪ It's a new life, for me... ♪

♪ ...for me ♪

♪ And I'm feeling good ♪

[vocalizing] Ba-da-da-da-da.

I love that shit.
Ba-da-da-da-da.

I feel good.
You know why I feel good?

[audience] Why?

Because I ain't ashy no more, nigga.
Look! A nigga got red socks on.

The fuck is y'all talking
about, nigga, red socks.

Fuck the streets, nigga.

I lotioned this part
of my body today.

Niggas don't fuck with this shit.

I got a suit on.
Nigga put a suit on.

You just do this shit for no reason.

I don't know, what's you say, miss?
Stop playing with me, miss.

Not today, bitch.

You know, not today.

You start doing shit like this.
"I beg your pardon?"

I can't fight in this shit.
I'll be like this,

"Talk to my lawyer.

I beg your pardon, nigga."

The fuck is y'all talking about?

You know who not feeling good?

Uh, uh, those White people,
they got they ass whooped,

sitting on the dock of the bay,
in Alabama, nigga.

Y'all see that shit?

The Alabama brawl.
Google that shit, nigga.

The greatest fight
in the history of fights.

That's the only fight that started
the civil rights movement, nigga.

Them White people got
the shit beat out of them.

Hey, listen, Black people,
we've been wanting to unite,

we've been wanting
to come together as a people,

but we didn't have
no call to action and shit.

We didn't know
how to set it off, nigga.

We needed like a "hooty-woo,"
or a "skee!"

We didn't have shit
to unite our people.

Who would've thought the civil rights
movement would've started with a nigga?

Let me see your hat, nigga.
Give me your hat.

With this shit right here. What up!

There ain't no niggas
came out that shit.

It look like a roach commercial!
[vocalizes]

That nigga beat
the shit out them crackers!

[imitates beating]

Not one person dropped their beer,

they was getting the shit beat
out of them, like, "Oh, wait, wait, wait."

Fucked them up.
The new cereal... And you know what?

This is when I knew
that this was a movement...

when a nigga hit
a White bitch in the head...

with a folding chair... from Walmart.

The nigga didn't get
arrested and didn't get shot.

I was like,
"Look at God, won't He do this?

He will, my God is a good God."

They hit that bitch like it's bam!

♪ It's a new day! ♪

Pow!

♪ It's a new dawn! ♪

Pow!

♪ And I'm feeling... ♪

Pow!

A nigga swam across
the motherfucking river, standing up.

You see a nigga...

I'm gonna tell y'all,
I'm a honest comedian.

I'm gonna be honest.
Y'all gotta be honest with me.

When I ask y'all this question, be honest.

Has anybody in this audience
ever been in a toxic relationship?

Make some noise, make...
Let me see them hands.

Make some noise if you've been in
a toxic relationship

and you realize, nigga, you the toxic one
in the relationship, it's you, nigga.

You need a therapist, nigga.

You get a therapist,
you get a therapist.

Everybody gets a therapist!

I'm Broprah Winfrey
in this, motherfucker.

I didn't know I was a toxic motherfucker.

I didn't know I was a toxic nigga.
I thought I was a real nigga.

I didn't know I was a toxic nigga.

I just thought that
was a crazy bitch.

Because I don't have a lot
of mental health words.

[audience members giggle]

Women today, they got all the
motherfucking mental health words.

They get it off of
Sociogram and TikTok.

And she got all the words.

They can't wait to use all they words.

Soon as you say something,
"Excuse me, respect my boundaries."

Bitch, if you don't get out of my face...
"Don't gaslight me.

Respect my boundaries.
I need time to heal.

You're manipulative.
I need time to heal.

Don't gaslight me.
You're gaslighting me.

You're a narcissist.
You're a narcissist."

This bitch was like,
"You're a narcissist."

I said,
"Bitch, I'm a Sagittariuses."

That's the "suses" I know, bitch.

Sagittarius.

Half-horse, half-man,
bitch be seven-six.

I fuck Scorpio and Cancer bitches.

Men don't know all those words.

And when a man don't know
a word, what he do?

He just skip the subject.

He like... "You a narcissist."
Nigga be like, "Narcissist? Fuck is that?

What did that rhyme with?"

Then get mad...

"Well, I'll be whatever
you want me to be, bitch,

just stay the fuck out my phone.
Respect my boundaries."

I remember when I first
read the Webster Dictionary

of narcissists,
after I read that, I said, "Yep."

Nigga, I felt like Taylor Swift.
I was like, "It's me."

♪ Hi, I'm the problem, it's me ♪

I stare directly into the sun
but never in the mirror.

It must be so exhausting.

Always searching for the antihero.

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

I didn't know, did I?

And I had to stop being toxic
'cause I met this chick,

and she untoxited me.

She said the most gangster shit
a woman has ever said to me.

She looked me right in my face.
She said, "Donnell."

I said "What?"

She said, "I just
wanna let you know that

whatever you are doing, I'm doing."

[audience laughing]

"You cheating on me, bitch?

I don't believe this
dirty-ass, hoe-ass...!

Bitch! You a whore!"

I tell you one thing, though, toxic chicks

got the best sex
you ever have in your life.

Crazy pussy, nigga.
You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about
Cuckoo for Cocoa puffs,

like... [yodeling]

Chicks will start their sex off like this,

"First of all, that pussy be fire,"

the type of shit
you argue all week.

"Okay, where you going?
Let's talk. Okay, wait, listen.

I could change.

Just stay the fuck out
my phone, baby, we good."

Women, let me explain something.

You can gauge how
good your sex is

by how long a man
argues with you.

If you've been talking that shit...
"Ay, ay, ay..."

[dramatic gasp]

"Ay, ay, ay..."

And at the end of that he like,
"Whatever,"

your pussy is garbage.

It's trash,
it's international trash.

[in French accent]
"How do you say, it is a...

the pussy, it is no good. Yes?

It is shit garbage."

"How do you say..."
that's how they talk overseas.

I was in New Zealand
a couple months ago, right.

Let me explain something,

New Zealand is the most nigga-free place
I ever been in my life.

Ain't no niggas in New Zealand,
zero negro in New Zealand.

I was there for three days.
First nigga I saw was me in the mirror.

In my hotel room looking in the mirror.

I'm like, "Nigga, that's you.
You can't count for you."

You know, I finally saw
this Black guy, I got excited.

I was like, "What up, my nigga?"

He said, "Who are you calling
a nigga, motherfucker?"

He turned into an African.
That's how Africans are.

Africans are... they never blink.
You ever seen an African blink?

Soon as they born,
it's a surprise party.

Get close to this shit.

They be like,
"What fuck is this and this and this?"

They just playing with their eyeballs.

"What is this, this, this
and this and this and this,

this and this and this?"

I better stop talking shit.

There's gonna be
an African nigga outside.

"It is me, motherfucker."
[imitates blowgun]

"Bitch-ass nigga." [imitates blowgun]

I was in New Zealand,
after seven days

of not seeing no Black people,
I started feeling exotic.

I was like, "I'm about to get me

one of these New Zealand
lambchop-eatin'-ass bitches out here."

I started feeling exotic.

I started telling chicks I was
Idris Elba when I was there.

They ain't know the diff.
"I was like, bitch, I'm Idris Elba."

I had an accent and everything.

I said... [speaking gibberish
in a Cockney accent]

You wanna go skip...
go take the bloody, the bloody,

the bloody hotel."

I was running that shit,
and I saw this chick.

I was trying to talk to her and shit,
and she was with a girlfriend.

She said, "Girl, come here."
She said, "What?" She said, "That's him."

"Who?" "That's him." "Who?"
She said, "Idris."

Evidently, other chick knew. She was like...

"Bitch, that's Ashy Larry,
you dumb-ass bitch.

You sucked Ashy Larry's dick,
you stupid-ass, ho-ass bitch,

skinny-ass ho!
Bitch, you'll go for anything!

You ain't see that
nigga knuckles, bitch.

That's Ashy Larry, dummy."

I'm gonna say something,
and I'm really excited about doing

this special, but I hope
this don't fuck it up for me.

But, man, I just wanna say,

gay Black men in America

make the best potato salad
I've ever...

Ah, nigga!

Gay potato salad, nigga.
That shit is fire, nigga.

I don't know what they mix in it,
but it be some ya...

They throw some yas.

They put their paprika on,
going like "Yas, yas, yas!"

Come through, "tater" salad!

What is it giving? What is it giving?
What is it giving?

They watch you take
every bite like...

"Ah, ah..."

Like, "I ain't gonna suck
your dick, get out my face."

I'm telling you,
my older brother's gay as shit.

I love him, right,
and we both love to cook, right.

And this motherfucker's potato salad...

Women love this potato salad.

One time I said, "You know what,
I wanna make potato salad."

They said "Uh-uh."

I said, "What you mean 'Uh-uh'?"
They said, "Uh-uh.

We don't want your potato salad."

I said, "Well, then who
potato salad do y'all want?"

They said,
"We want Chucky potato salad."

Nigga, I go hard as shit,
I'm a savage,

I go, "Well, you know, Chucky
puts dick juice in his potato salad.

He puts dick juice
in his potato salad, bitch.

You like that creamy shit?
Skee, skee,

bitch, that's what's in that
potato salad, ski-i-i-t.

That nigga ain't got no
nutmeg nowhere in his house.

No meg.

Just nuts in every container, skee."

They loved this dude potato salad.

I called him one night,
it was midnight.

I was like "Chucky, wake up."
He said "What?"

I don't know if his body did that,

but his voice sounded
like, he was like, "What?"

I was like "Chucky, man, these
women love your potato salad."

He said, "And?"

I said, "And what
I'm trying to say is...

you probably could get some
pussy off this potato salad."

He said, "And that'd be
the last time I make potato salad."

He said, "That be
the last, last, last."

He turned into a boomerang.

"That be the las... That be the last time
I make potato salad."

I told y'all that I would
be honest with y'all.

I'm gonna let y'all
know something that, uh,

I have dated outside of my race.

Yep, I like 31 flavors.

I was on White bitches hard.

I had jungle fever
for three-and-a-half years.

I was on White bitches hard. I don't know
where I caught it. It had to be...

Starbucks.

Should have kept my Black ass down
at the Dunkin Donuts, man.

I used to go to Starbucks early morning.
I don't even drink coffee.

I would hide.
I'd hide behind the plastic tree.

The White chicks used to come in
with them Lemon Lulu yoga pants

with the rescue dog fur
all on the inside.

All type of cat fur,
parakeet, ferret,

all type of animal DNA all the way.

I used to wait for them
and yell out the coffee order,

"Double Frappuccino for Amber,"
and I'd be like, "Ah, Amber alert."

Then I had to stop

'cause I started following
Dr. Umar Johnson on the internet.

[audience groans]

Ma'am, do you know who
Dr. Umar Johnson is?

Dr. Umar Johnson is
the blackest nigga

in the United States of America.

Nobody can out-nigga that nigga.

He that nigga,
all his clothes is made in Africa.

Look like he washed with Black soap
from 125th street, nigga.

He looked like he moisturizes his body
with unscented shea butter.

That's the blackest you can do.

And every time he talk, he like,
"What is it, brother?"

And I'm gonna tell you something.

Dr. Umar is a smart man.

Ninety-five percent of the things that
Dr. Umar say, I agree with.

Dr. Umar said,
"We as Black people need

to take back our communities.

We need to buy the houses we live in."
I was like, "Hell, yeah.

Talk that shit, Dr. Umar, let's go."

And Dr. Umar said, "And I think
we need to make Black schools

with Black principals and
Black teachers and Black bus drivers."

I'm like, "Fuck, yeah, here go a check,
30,000, build a school.

Let's go, Umar."

And then Dr. Umar said,
"And I don't think

Black men should
fuck White women."

I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Respect my boundaries, nigga.

Give me my money back, nigga.
Fuck that, nigga.

Go fight the power down the street, nigga,
give me my money, Umar.

Respect my boundaries."

And then if he catch you
with a White chick,

he say, "You been snow-bunnied."

I would hear bunny hoppity.

And then he take a picture of you,

you and the White bitch...
[imitates camera shutter clicking]

And the White chick, she always be
looking cute. She'd be like this...

And the nigga, he'd be looking like
Jonathan Majors, that nigga be like...

And then he put you on your
Instagram page, snow bunny, bap,

and don't write no caption.

He just tell you the dates where you
can come see him talk about you.

I want to meet Dr. Umar.

I wanna have a face-to-face. I was like,
"Ooh, come here, let me talk to you."

"What is it, Brother Rawlings?"

I'm like, "Put your fist down, nigga,
I'm trying to talk to you."

"What is it, Brother Rawlings?"

I wanna say, "Dr. Umar,
have you ever had

your dick sucked...

by a blonde-haired, blue-eyed 'devil'...

that's really sorry about slavery?"

"Dr. Umar, have you ever
had a reparations blowjob?"

"Dr. Umar, you ever had
a freedom fuck on a pickup truck?"

"Dr. Umar, have you ever
bust a nut for George Floyd?"

"Dr. Umar...

you call her a snow bunny,
I call her a freedom fighter, nigga."

I respect him,
but I'm too old to care

or somebody to tell me who
I could like, love, or fuck.

You start doing that, you like,
"Oh, this woman can't be in love,

this woman, this guy can't."
I'm too old for that dumb shit.

This is the number one way you could tell
when you're getting older,

when you could just be standing still

and you feel like you
popped or broke something

in your body.

I saw this guy the other day,
he was standing still like a robot.

All of a sudden
he was like, "Fuck!

Dammit, shit!"
"What happened?"

"Oh, I just... I broke my leg,
nigga, I broke my leg."

"Walk it off." "I can't walk that off.
They gonna cut me. They gonna cut me.

Look, my toe look like
Forest Whitaker left eyeball.

They gonna cut me."

You know you getting older when you
get up and you make this noise...

"Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Okay, here we go.

Yep, yep, yep, yep."

Nothing wrong with getting old.

You know who make you feel fucked up?
TikTokers. I hate these TikTokers.

You look like one of
them TikTok niggas.

I hate them.
I don't take pictures with them.

I think they wanna take a picture
and just wait for you to die

so they can RIP post your ass.

Soon as a nigga die, they be,
"I know I got a picture.

I know I got one,
there go one right there."

They post your picture,
put all type of prayer hands on your shit.

They all say the same shit.
"Oh, this one hurt right here."

"Oh, man, this one hurt.
The last one hurt.

But this the hurtest
out of all the hurt."

Niggas be spelling words wrong. "I want
to send my conglomerate resistance,

condolences... my condole over...
this one hurt, God.

Why you couldn't just take me?"

There's nothing wrong with getting old.

Embrace that shit, 'cause it don't matter
how young you try to look,

you cannot
disguise the old man walkaway.

You ever see a motherfucker
over there with skinny jeans on,

stomach hanging all over the jeans.

"How I look in these skinnies?"
You look young until you walk away.

You walk away,
you cannot disguise that shit.

They be like, "I'll talk to y'all later.
All right, how your mama doing, she good?"

The old niggas always be
grabbing their hamstring like...

they always wanna
know what you need,

"You don't need nothing from the store?
I'm going to go down there.

How your mama doing?
Tell her I'm making beans this weekend."

It's okay to get old.
I'm telling y'all,

some young women out here
that love old heads.

They be going old head hunting.

It ain't just any old head.

They looking for the old head
that's making a transition in his life.

This nigga confused.
He don't know how old he is no more.

Like, how old are you?
"I'm 30, 52 years old, bitch.

I'm 52, 31, bitch.
That's how old I am, skee."

Them young chicks
be looking for them.

They get they girls,
"Come on, girl, let's go."

They be like, "Girl, you need to stop
fucking with them young niggas.

They ain't gonna do shit.
You need an old nigga.

They only like to fuck
when they got they blue pills."

You ever see an old head
attitude before his pill pop?

You trying to grab a dick.
He be like, "Wait. Whoa, whoa."

"Let me get that dick, Daddy."
"Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, give me 30 minutes, bitch,
I'll be right back."

They look for that.

They with the girls, they see him,
they're like, "Come on, girl."

Then they pull up on an old dude,
they be like this, "Hey, Daddy."

Old niggas like,
"Oh, that's my shit right there.

They put Daddy with a Z,
"Hey, Ziddy. Hey, Diddy."

They make an old
motherfucker feel good.

He be like,
"You think I should dye my beard?"

"Don't do that, Daddy.
I like that sexy-ass salt-and-pepper.

You, oh, fine-ass,
silver fox-ass nigga.

I like my meat, nice and seasoned, Zaddy."

They make you feel
good as shit until...

you get into that first argument.

Nigga, that first argument,

they let you know
exactly how old you are.

They can't wait to be like,
"With your old ass, sit your old..."

They pull your whole face.
"Sit your old ass in the corner.

Old-ass nigga.
Did you take your pills today, Daddy?

Did you take your pills today, Daddy?
Daddy... Father...

Take your pills, Dad."

They can't wait to blow you up.

They take you to a restaurant
and make you read off that menu...

with them little-ass microscopic words.
Bitch trying to make you look like

Floyd Mayweather
in that motherfucking restaurant.

You're like, "I don't need this,
I already know what I want.

Just give me chicken.
Stop playing with me."

"What type of chicken?"
"The chicken with the bones!"

Stop playing with me.
I like my chicken boned in.

I don't know who
invented chicken nugget.

That's the gayest shit I ever heard.
The fucking boneless chicken wings.

It's a nugget.

I know I'm an old head.
I'm an old head with a young son,

and I got a young baby mother

that I'm co-parenting
with right now.

And let me explain something to y'all.
I hate co-parenting.

Not that I hate being a parent.

I never thought that
I wouldn't be with the woman

that I had a baby with,
and the shit fucked with me.

Anybody say co-parenting is easy,
they've been doing it a long time.

That first year of co-parenting,
you still got feelings for this chick,

you still got emotions and shit.

He be like, "We would've
just did it for the kids."

"Why you couldn't just
stay out my phone, bitch?"

"We would've been happily ever after.

That's my phone, fuck a iPhone.
It's mine."

That first year of co-parenting,
you don't give a fuck about that kid.

One time my son was like,
"Daddy, let's go outside and play."

I said, "Nigga, if you don't get the fuck
out my face with that football and tell me

who your mama fucking.
Respect my boundaries, nigga.

Who is your mother fucking?
Let's talk some real shit, nigga.

Remember, I'm Santa Claus, nigga.
You better start talking."

But you can't be that way.

Co-parents, I found out,
you cannot let this kid know

how you really may feel.

You can't do that shit.
You'll fuck him up mentally.

So you gotta act like
a Sesame Street motherfucker.

Anything that this little nigga say,
you gotta be excited about.

One time my son said,
"Daddy, I got a great idea."

I said, "What?"

He said, "Let's throw
a party for Mommy."

I'm like,
"Oh, you trying to trick a nigga."

"Respect my boundaries, nigga.
You know I don't fuck around like that."

"That sounds like a great idea.

Let's throw a party for Mommy."

You can't tell a eight-year-old,
"I don't fuck with your mama like that.

I keep telling you, I fuck with you."

"Let's throw a party for Mommy."

And I'm gonna tell you something.
Kids don't care about you being in love.

They don't give a fuck.

They just wanna see their parents
together on vacation.

They wanna see them at the dinner table.
My son know...

He know I don't fuck
with his mama like that.

And this how I knew he knew

because one day he said,
"Daddy, let's go to your room."

This nigga took me to the living room.

I know some niggas,
watching, y'all couch niggas...

Niggas, I had to hit
my spot on the couch.

I was like, "Wake me up
in the morning, nigga."

"I love you, Daddy."

And my son, he know he got me
wrapped around his finger

because I'm a old head dad.
Niggas be calling me a Dino Dad.

All my friends' kids
are a lot older than my son.

I was planning my son's
first birthday party,

and I called one of my buddies.

I said, "Yo, you think your son
could come to my son's party?"

He was like, "If he can
get off work, nigga."

"What the fuck are you talking about?
Chuck E. Cheese, nigga?

A play date at
Chuck E. Cheese, nigga?

We at Magic City, nigga.
Me and my son."

Ski-i-i-t.

[audience members applaud]

Being an older dad, I think I'm a dad
that identifies as a mom.

So does that make me trans-parent?

Am I trans-parent?

Because I'm a man-man,
but I be saying mom shit.

I be saying shit like... "Ohh!"

[male audience member] Ohh.

See, nigga, you can't be no gangster.
"We gonna kill this nigga. 'Oh, oh, oh.'"

My son know he got me wrapped.

The other day, I said, "Austin,
are you trying to make Daddy cry?"

He said, "It's okay, Daddy,
because if you cry, it'd be happy tears."

I said, "Oh..."

Nigga about to get
so much pussy in the first grade.

His mother's young.
My baby mother is a lot younger than me.

A lot. A lot.

Somebody say,
"Donnell, well, how much is a lot?"

I put it like this, I'm older
than my baby mother's mother.

[audience groaning]

♪ My mind's telling me ♪

♪ My mind's telling me no, but my body ♪

♪ My body's telling me, yeah ♪

♪ I... ♪

Somebody say, "Donnell, why don't you
date women your own age?"

I'm like, "Obviously you
don't know how old I am."

I ain't doing that shit.
I'm older than hip-hop, nigga.

I ain't doing that shit.

I'm too famous.
I ain't doing that shit.

Survey says, "ahh."

Ladies, don't get me wrong.

Listen, I would have
grown over the chick,

but I'm not gonna go out
and get a brand-new old bitch.

I'm too famous, nigga.

I'm rich, bitch.

I can't do it.

How do I start a conversation
with a brand-new old bitch?

What, I be like, "You got type-one
or type-two diabetes?"

"You got one... Look at God,

gave the bitch the same "betes" as me.

Go to dialysis
every Wednesday like me."

How do I start a conversation
with a brand-new old bitch?

"You ever had 'Mesothelithemiomia'?

Have you or a loved one ever suffered
from 'Meso-theli-themiomia'?"

Anybody ever known somebody
that called in late for work?

"Yeah, I ain't gonna
be able to make it.

I got that meso-thel-feminomia.

Yeah, it's all in my throat.

I got that meso-theli-omia."

This table right here is unhappy
as a motherfucker right here.

These three people right here,

y'all still fucked up about that
Alabama brawl shit, It was a joke.

"That was my mom!"

[laughter]

"Seriously?

Literally, figuratively,
contextually, metaphorically.

Like, literally."

They about to walk out of this show.
I don't give a fuck.

Get the fuck out of here,
y'all old ragged bitch.

[grunts]

I did that joke a couple months ago
about brand-new old bitches, right?

And I went outside,

and when I went outside,
I looked outside

and it was eight
brand-new old bitches.

I got nearer. I looked down,
ain't nobody had their shoes on.

I was like,
"They about to jump me out here."

They was digging in the Vaseline and shit.
Put it on their face.

They was like,
"You got a problem?

Excuse me, Mr. Comedian,
you got a problem

with brand-new old bitches?"

I said, "No, I just don't remember the
last time I had a brand-new old bitch."

It made me think, I said,
"Donnell, you're doing this all wrong.

Maybe you need to date
someone closer to your age.

Maybe you need a mature
woman in your life,

with a mature body...

and mature titties."
I need some.

Sick of these little
fake-ass Hollywood titties.

They do a jumping jack
and the titty don't even move.

I need a chick with
four hooks in the back.

That's what I'm looking for.

One of them four-hook chicks.
They be struggling with them hooks.

"You can't get one of these hooks, nigga,
you can't help me?

You want the pussy,
why don't you work for it?

Get it, get a hook, nigga."

I'm talking about them naturals,
them joints start off right here.

They hit that last hook,
the titty do like this.

[microphone thudding]

Chicks with four hooks?
When they take that bra off,

they take it off like shoulder pads
in the NFL, nigga.

[microphone thuds]

[laughter]

Chicks with four hooks,

when they take they bra off,
they are in for the rest of the night.

"You wanna go get drinks and appetizers?"
"You should have called ten minutes ago.

I just took my bra off, bitch.
I am in for the night."

"Okay, bye."

Mmm...

Bye.

So I was talking to my brother
the other day, and I said,

"Well, since you not going to make
your gay potato salad,"

I said, "What are you
gonna make for Thanksgiving?"

This motherfucker said,
"Green beans, potatoes, tomatoes,

lamb, rams, hogs, dogs,
greens, beans, chicken, lamb."

- [female audience member] You name it.
- You name it.

There's a couple White people
don't know what I'm talking about.

This White dude look like,
he like, "What the fuck?"

He did a song about produce.

A lot of people talk about
this is a very popular song.

The backstory, this legend of
this green bean, you name it song.

A popular gospel singer by
the name of Shirley Caesar.

Right, she's a living legend.

You talk to, her name,
people be like, "Look at God."

So, Shirley... See, look at me,
White man, I'm talking to you.

She's in church, and everybody's
talking about the things

they're gonna make for Thanksgiving.
Nobody thinks Shirley Caesar could cook.

They didn't think she
could cook a lot of things.

They thought she was
a one-pot wonder,

like she had a punk-ass pot of spaghetti.
Every woman knows what I mean.

You ever be like, "I'm hungry."

They be like, "You want spaghetti?"
You be like, "Nah, bitch, I'm good.

I'm going to sleep. I don't want that
spaghetti with red and green peppers.

Ain't nobody ask for Mexican spaghetti.

Just do what the instruction say,
add one pound of ground beef."

So Shirley Caesar got mad, sir.

And she made a song to describe
what she was gonna cook.

And she was pissed.

She said, "Now look...

Look at here.

I got green beans, potatoes,
tomatoes, lamb, spams, hogs,

bogs, green beans, potatoes,
tomatoes, chicken, lamb,

chicken, you name it.

Potatoes, tomatoes,
matoe, matoe..."

I ain't know what
the fuck a matoe was.

But I said I need two
pounds of matoes right now.

For the White woman that still
look confused, I'm going to do a remix.

I'm gonna do a White version of that song.

Brussels sprouts, arugula,

asparagus, you name it.

Broccolini, broccolini,
yogurt, yogurt, granola,

granola, flaxseed oil, avocado oil,

sunflower seed oil, gluten-free,

lactose-free, Coca-Cola zero,

no sugar, you name it.

Unsweetened tea,
dry-ass chicken breasts,

no salt, no pepper,
no seasoning, right out the pack,

right on the grill.

Get home and wash that right off
the back of the truck. Right on the grill.

Shield's still got a bloody-ass
Kotex pad, you name it.

New York, y'all have been great.
I'm Donnell Rawlings, have a good night.

[audience cheering, applauding]

["U Name It" by Shirley Caesar plays]

♪ You name it! ♪

["Feeling Good by Nina Simone playing]

♪ Fish in the sea, you know how I feel ♪

♪ River running free
You know how I feel ♪

♪ Blossom on the tree
You know how I feel ♪

♪ It's a new dawn
It's a new day ♪

♪ It's a new life, for me ♪

[vocalizing]

Thank you all for coming out.
It's a new day, it's a new dawn,

it's a new life for me.
And, New York, I'm feelin' good.

Good night!

[song continues]

[cheering, applauding]

[man] This is protected by the red,
the black, and the green

at the crossroad with a key.