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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore
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Hey, the sketch is great.
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Oh, good.
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- Alan even smiled. - Oh, boy.
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How's the script going?
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It's almost finished.
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Hey, any messages?
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Yeah.
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You got a call from, uh, Leslie Merkel.
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The Leslie Merkel?
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I didn't know there was a "the" Leslie Merkel.
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Who is he?
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He's an old army buddy of mine.
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Oh, another one of those reunions?
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No, I think another one of those touches.
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Oh.
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He makes low budget movies.
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You know, those crazy ones.
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Oh, yeah, like what?
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Well, you remember about a year ago, Laura and
I went to see a picture called "The Sewer"?
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"The Sewer"?
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Who was in it?
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Uh, candy wrapper.
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Candy wrapper?
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A real candy wrapper.
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Oh.
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They took a camera, and they followed it from Park
Avenue floating all the way down to the Hudson River.
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It was a kind of a part of a double feature.
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The other one had nothing but feet in it.
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You mean, real feet, like with toes and everything?
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Yeah, that's right.
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What did they call it?
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"Feet."
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Did he say anything?
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What he wanted?
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No, he just said it was very important.
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Probably wants me to write a free script for him.
40
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It could be your big chance, Rob.
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There's your name up there in lights.
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"The Nostril" by Rob Petrie.
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Uh, Mr. Merkle, please.
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He's got about as much chance of
me writing a free-- hello, Les?
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Hi.
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Rob Petrie.
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Yeah, fine.
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How are you, boy?
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Great. Listen.
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I'm sorry I was out when you called.
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What's up?
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You're kidding.
53
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Well, I'd love to.
54
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Well, sure, I would.
55
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Who wouldn't?
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Lunch tomorrow?
57
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Yeah.
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OK.
59
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Yeah, I'll see you, Les.
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Bye.
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I could have sworn I heard somebody say they
would never write one of those crazy pictures.
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He doesn't want me to write it.
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BUDDY: What did he want you to do?
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He wants me to star in it.
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BUDDY: Come on.
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He wants you to star in a motion picture?
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Right.
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BUDDY: What are they going to call it?
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"The Flop."
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I don't know, guys.
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[laughter]
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Are you ready?
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Yeah.
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Your husband, the man who left this place
this morning an ordinary writer, has
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been offered a part in a movie.
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You're kidding.
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No, I'm not.
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A regular movie?
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Where you go in and pay $2 to see it and everything?
80
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Well, I mean, I could get you in
free, but yeah, it's a regular movie.
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Well, are you going to be in a
crowd scene or something like that?
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No.
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I'm going to be a star.
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A star?
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Oh, come on, Rob.
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You're kidding.
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No, I am not kidding.
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You remember Leslie Merkle?
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Leslie Merkle?
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Yeah, the guy from "The Sewer"?
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Oh.
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What-- he did a picture called,
uh, "Shoes"-- no, "Socks."
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"Feet."
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"Feet," yes.
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Well, he's going to do an experimental movie.
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He wants me in it.
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Which part of you?
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Well, all of it.
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Well, I mean, this time he's
going to do it with entire people.
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Well, Rob, what does he want you to be an actor for?
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You're not an actor.
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Right.
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And neither are none of my fellow stars.
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What?
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Are you investing in this?
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Well, yeah, in a way.
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Yeah.
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Well, there goes the brick barbecue, right?
109
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Oh. No, honey.
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I'm-- not money.
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Uh, I'm just-- I've offered to do
a little punching up of the script.
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Are you going to be paid?
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No.
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Well, then, the whole thing is more
like a glorified home movie, huh?
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No, it's not like a home movie, honey.
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It's more like, "The Fugitive."
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You remember the picture, they took a camera,
they followed a little boy around Coney Island?
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It won all the awards.
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Well, where are they going to follow you?
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They're not going to follow me.
121
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No, this-- this is about Rita Rivera.
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Rita Rivera?
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You mean, that-- Right.
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The gal from Europe, engaged to everybody.
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Right.
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He's going to do a story of her life.
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What's so experimental about that?
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Well, he's using me because he's
using real people in all the parts.
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In other words, I'm a writer, so I'm playing a writer.
130
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He's using a real artist to be an artist.
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He's using a politician to be a real politician.
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Well, if everybody's, uh, playing what they
are, who did they get to play what she is?
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Well, they want to get her to play her.
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But she's in jail.
135
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So who's going to be playing all
those love scenes with all you lovers?
136
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The camera.
137
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The camera?
138
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Yeah, it's subjective, you see.
139
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They're shooting everything from her
point of view, which is the camera, see.
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- No girl? - No.
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No girl.
142
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The most I get to kiss is a lens.
143
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That's crazy.
144
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Yeah, but, honey, for a writer,
it could only be a great experience.
145
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Or embarrassing.
146
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Oh, it'll be fun. Look.
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You'll be able to sit and watch.
148
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You've never seen a movie shot before.
149
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Oh, Rob, I just think you ought to find out a
little more about it before you commit yourself.
150
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I know everything.
151
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When do you start?
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Well, I don't know.
153
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Do you have to join a union?
154
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I don't know.
155
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How long is it going to take?
156
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Well, I don't know.
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I better find out more about this.
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Here?
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Yes, that's her.
160
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Hello.
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I'm Rob Petrie.
162
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I'm, uh-- I guess we're both waiting for Leslie Merkle, huh?
163
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Well, you're waiting for Leslie Merkle, are you?
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Merkle.
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No, I'm not Mr. Merkle.
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Merkle?
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Oh, you don't speak English?
168
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[non-english speech]
169
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Oh, I see.
170
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What, uh-- parlez-vous Francais?
171
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No.
172
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No.
173
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Well, parlez-- sprechen sie Deutsch?
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No.
175
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No.
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What, uh, else is there?
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Oh, Italiano?
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[speaking italian]
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Oh, you are, wonderful.
180
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Uh, not wonderful.
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I don't speak Italian.
182
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It's not, uh, as pretty-- Rob.
183
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Oh, hi, Les.
184
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We were just-- Hi,
Rob, [inaudible].
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[speaking italian]
186
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Heaven, heaven, heaven.
187
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I see you met Lucianna.
188
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Lovely girl.
189
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It's-- it's nice to see you two getting along
so well since you'll be working together.
190
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Huh?
191
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Are you-- are you in,
uh-- is she-- Rob.
192
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Rob, I speak English.
193
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Right.
194
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Sorry.
195
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Uh, what-- uh, what part is she going to play?
196
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The girl.
197
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Well, I thought a camera was going to be Rita Rivera.
198
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Well, I did, too, Rob, but then I saw Lucianna at a party.
199
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I looked at her.
200
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I thought about the camera.
201
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No contest.
202
00:06:12,911 --> 00:06:14,580
Well, uh-- uh, I see what you mean.
203
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Besides, it's easier for you guys that have to kiss her.
204
00:06:16,782 --> 00:06:19,451
I mean, uh, would you rather kiss a lens?
205
00:06:19,551 --> 00:06:22,821
That's what I promised my wife, Les.
206
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I see.
207
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Is your wife the jealous type?
208
00:06:24,990 --> 00:06:29,461
Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
209
00:06:29,561 --> 00:06:30,496
Molto bene.
210
00:06:30,596 --> 00:06:31,797
What'd she say?
211
00:06:31,897 --> 00:06:35,667
She said of all of Rita Rivera's
lovers, she likes the writer best.
212
00:06:35,768 --> 00:06:37,569
She said all that with "molto bene"?
213
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You're going to love working with her.
214
00:06:40,172 --> 00:06:46,111
Look, um, Les, I'm not-- I'm not
too sure I can play the part.
215
00:06:49,081 --> 00:06:50,115
Why not?
216
00:06:50,215 --> 00:06:52,417
Well, uh-- well, for one thing,
I've never done any real acting.
217
00:06:52,518 --> 00:06:53,685
You don't have to act.
218
00:06:53,786 --> 00:06:55,387
You're-- you'll just be playing yourself.
219
00:06:55,487 --> 00:06:57,156
That's the trick of the whole picture.
220
00:06:57,256 --> 00:06:58,924
Well, I-- I may not have the time.
221
00:06:59,024 --> 00:07:00,025
You know.
222
00:07:00,125 --> 00:07:02,294
Rob, we'll work nights, Saturdays, Sundays.
223
00:07:02,394 --> 00:07:03,729
Well, that could be a little tough.
224
00:07:03,829 --> 00:07:07,499
Rob, anything that's worth doing is a little tough.
225
00:07:07,599 --> 00:07:09,234
I don't know, Les.
226
00:07:09,334 --> 00:07:12,871
If you turn this down, Rob, you'll
kick yourself for the rest of your life
227
00:07:12,971 --> 00:07:14,373
for the opportunity you've missed.
228
00:07:14,473 --> 00:07:15,541
Yeah.
229
00:07:15,641 --> 00:07:17,709
You know, like once I had a
chance to go on a Dutch freighter.
230
00:07:17,810 --> 00:07:18,443
Right.
231
00:07:18,544 --> 00:07:20,612
Same thing.
232
00:07:20,712 --> 00:07:21,914
Here's the script.
233
00:07:22,014 --> 00:07:23,682
I want you to check pages one through 40.
234
00:07:23,782 --> 00:07:25,450
Hey, that's a big part.
235
00:07:25,551 --> 00:07:27,586
Uh, no, that's not your part, Rob.
236
00:07:27,686 --> 00:07:30,055
That's the part of the script that I want punched up.
237
00:07:30,155 --> 00:07:31,356
Punched up?
238
00:07:31,456 --> 00:07:33,892
Yeah, I told you on the phone I wanted
you to punch up some of the comedy.
239
00:07:33,992 --> 00:07:34,993
Oh, I'm sorry.
240
00:07:35,093 --> 00:07:39,031
I got so excited about the, uh, acting,
I-- I forgot about the punch up.
241
00:07:39,131 --> 00:07:44,002
Les, if-- if I didn't punch up the
script, would I still get the part?
242
00:07:44,102 --> 00:07:46,605
Rob-- I wouldn't, would I?
243
00:07:46,705 --> 00:07:48,273
Well, let me put it this way.
244
00:07:48,373 --> 00:07:51,977
You're the only person in the whole picture
that isn't putting up money to be in it.
245
00:07:52,077 --> 00:07:52,945
Oh?
246
00:07:53,045 --> 00:07:55,981
Well, she's-- she's putting
up, uh-- Uh, no.
247
00:07:56,081 --> 00:07:57,482
Never mind, huh?
248
00:07:57,583 --> 00:07:59,184
Rob, what kind of a guy are you?
249
00:07:59,284 --> 00:08:00,185
Look at her.
250
00:08:00,285 --> 00:08:01,687
How can I ask her for money?
251
00:08:01,787 --> 00:08:03,488
Yeah, why-- I wouldn't.
252
00:08:03,589 --> 00:08:05,090
Yeah.
253
00:08:05,190 --> 00:08:06,158
What do you say, Rob?
254
00:08:06,258 --> 00:08:08,994
Well, by gosh, I'll do it, Les.
255
00:08:09,094 --> 00:08:10,295
Molto bene.
256
00:08:10,395 --> 00:08:11,396
Well, yeah.
257
00:08:11,496 --> 00:08:13,065
Just one other thing.
258
00:08:13,165 --> 00:08:16,535
In-- in Italian, how do you say let go of my hand?
259
00:08:21,139 --> 00:08:22,074
You know something?
260
00:08:22,174 --> 00:08:23,809
This movie isn't as bad as I thought.
261
00:08:23,909 --> 00:08:27,145
Wait until you see Rob act in it.
262
00:08:27,246 --> 00:08:29,548
Hello.
263
00:08:29,648 --> 00:08:31,783
Here's something that doesn't need a rewrite.
264
00:08:31,884 --> 00:08:32,951
Take a look at that, Buddy.
265
00:08:33,051 --> 00:08:34,920
I don't want to look at any script.
266
00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:37,990
Buddy, how would you feel about looking at that?
267
00:08:38,090 --> 00:08:38,891
Wow.
268
00:08:38,991 --> 00:08:40,192
With boy eyes.
269
00:08:40,292 --> 00:08:41,193
Mhm.
270
00:08:41,293 --> 00:08:42,427
Look at that bathing suit.
271
00:08:42,527 --> 00:08:44,496
That's the smallest one I've ever seen.
272
00:08:44,596 --> 00:08:46,164
So that's what that is.
273
00:08:46,265 --> 00:08:48,066
Yeah.
274
00:08:48,166 --> 00:08:49,034
What'd you think it was?
275
00:08:49,134 --> 00:08:50,335
I don't know.
276
00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:53,138
I thought maybe they were going to mail her someplace.
277
00:08:53,238 --> 00:08:54,673
Lucianna Mazetta.
278
00:08:54,773 --> 00:08:56,942
Isn't-- uh, isn't that the girl that Rob had lunch with?
279
00:08:57,042 --> 00:08:59,177
The one that's replacing the camera?
280
00:08:59,278 --> 00:09:00,379
Boy, that's some replacement.
281
00:09:00,479 --> 00:09:01,546
Hi, [inaudible].
282
00:09:01,647 --> 00:09:03,215
SALLY: Hi, there, lover.
283
00:09:03,315 --> 00:09:04,182
Huh?
284
00:09:04,283 --> 00:09:07,152
[inaudible]
285
00:09:07,252 --> 00:09:08,387
Who is that?
286
00:09:08,487 --> 00:09:09,454
Hmm.
287
00:09:09,555 --> 00:09:10,422
Listen to that. - No, really.
288
00:09:10,522 --> 00:09:11,356
Who is it?
289
00:09:11,456 --> 00:09:12,357
What, are you kidding?
290
00:09:12,457 --> 00:09:14,092
You just had lunch with her.
291
00:09:14,192 --> 00:09:16,528
That's not her.
292
00:09:16,628 --> 00:09:17,462
That is her.
293
00:09:17,563 --> 00:09:18,430
Look on the back.
294
00:09:18,530 --> 00:09:19,598
It says Lucianna Mazetta.
295
00:09:19,698 --> 00:09:20,732
Right, it does.
296
00:09:20,832 --> 00:09:23,201
But that can't be.
297
00:09:23,302 --> 00:09:24,503
Don't you recognize her?
298
00:09:24,603 --> 00:09:28,707
Uh, that is her.
299
00:09:28,807 --> 00:09:30,275
Gee, I didn't know.
300
00:09:30,375 --> 00:09:31,576
You know something?
301
00:09:31,677 --> 00:09:32,578
I think he's telling the truth. BUDDY: Yeah.
302
00:09:32,678 --> 00:09:33,946
Well, of course, I am.
303
00:09:34,046 --> 00:09:35,681
At lunch, she just looked like a pretty girl.
304
00:09:35,781 --> 00:09:37,950
Hey, Rob, that's more than just a pretty girl.
305
00:09:38,050 --> 00:09:40,018
Yeah, there's enough there for two pretty girls.
306
00:09:42,721 --> 00:09:43,956
Boy, I didn't know.
307
00:09:44,056 --> 00:09:46,091
You-- all I met was her face.
308
00:09:46,191 --> 00:09:49,328
So I didn't realize all that other
was going to give me such trouble.
309
00:10:05,243 --> 00:10:05,844
Honey, I'm home.
310
00:10:05,944 --> 00:10:07,579
LAURA: Be right out.
311
00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:09,281
Hey, what happened with the movie?
312
00:10:09,381 --> 00:10:10,415
Oh, it went great.
313
00:10:10,515 --> 00:10:11,783
I'm going-- I'm going to take it.
314
00:10:11,883 --> 00:10:15,354
There are a couple little things I
think we're going to have to clear up.
315
00:10:15,454 --> 00:10:16,722
What little things?
316
00:10:16,822 --> 00:10:18,690
ROB: We'll, uh, discuss it.
317
00:10:21,627 --> 00:10:22,861
Hey, Rob.
318
00:10:22,961 --> 00:10:23,595
What?
319
00:10:23,695 --> 00:10:25,063
LAURA: Who's the girl?
320
00:10:25,163 --> 00:10:27,532
What girl?
321
00:10:27,632 --> 00:10:28,867
Oh, come on, darling.
322
00:10:28,967 --> 00:10:33,372
You put a picture of an almost naked girl next
to the stuffed celery and then ask what girl?
323
00:10:33,472 --> 00:10:34,306
Oh, her.
324
00:10:34,406 --> 00:10:36,808
I almost forgot.
325
00:10:36,908 --> 00:10:39,344
You have something terrible to tell me, don't you?
326
00:10:39,444 --> 00:10:40,278
No.
327
00:10:40,379 --> 00:10:42,047
Yeah, I think you do.
328
00:10:42,147 --> 00:10:45,017
Honey, that's a picture of the camera.
329
00:10:50,122 --> 00:10:53,492
That's the, uh, girl who's going to play Rita Rivera.
330
00:10:53,592 --> 00:10:57,195
And instead of a lens, you're going to be kissing her?
331
00:10:57,295 --> 00:10:58,230
May I?
332
00:11:00,932 --> 00:11:01,900
When'd you find out about her?
333
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,335
Well, at lunch today.
334
00:11:03,435 --> 00:11:05,704
Les decided he'd rather use a girl to play the part.
335
00:11:05,804 --> 00:11:07,239
That's not a girl, Rob.
336
00:11:07,339 --> 00:11:09,541
That's not a rhinoceros.
337
00:11:09,641 --> 00:11:12,210
You know perfectly well what I mean.
338
00:11:12,310 --> 00:11:13,145
I know, honey.
339
00:11:13,245 --> 00:11:15,313
But when I met
her-- You met her?
340
00:11:15,414 --> 00:11:16,648
Well, yeah, at lunch today.
341
00:11:16,748 --> 00:11:19,184
You know, I mean-- well,
she didn't look like that.
342
00:11:19,284 --> 00:11:20,118
Oh, come on.
343
00:11:20,218 --> 00:11:23,188
Well, I mean-- I mean,
she wasn't dressed that way, honey.
344
00:11:23,288 --> 00:11:25,824
They wouldn't let her in a restaurant dressed that way.
345
00:11:25,924 --> 00:11:29,294
They wouldn't let her on a beach dressed that way.
346
00:11:29,394 --> 00:11:30,429
What was she wearing?
347
00:11:30,529 --> 00:11:34,666
Well, uh-- well, she was up-- she
was wearing a table up to here.
348
00:11:34,766 --> 00:11:39,104
And then a disguise or a suit or something.
349
00:11:39,204 --> 00:11:42,874
Honey, the only one who can blame
for the way she looks is nature.
350
00:11:42,974 --> 00:11:45,577
And whoever took all her clothes.
351
00:11:45,677 --> 00:11:49,948
Honey, it's nothing but a difference
in, uh, customs, you know?
352
00:11:50,048 --> 00:11:52,651
If we lived in Europe right now,
I'd be drinking wine for breakfast.
353
00:11:52,751 --> 00:11:53,652
No, you wouldn't.
354
00:11:53,752 --> 00:11:54,853
Because I wouldn't let you.
355
00:11:54,953 --> 00:11:57,622
I've got a feeling you're not
going to let me do this, either.
356
00:11:57,723 --> 00:12:00,992
I didn't say that yet.
357
00:12:01,093 --> 00:12:07,332
Honey, the reason I brought this home was to discover
just how upset you'd be if I made love to her.
358
00:12:07,432 --> 00:12:10,235
Uh, you know, within the confines of my movie career.
359
00:12:10,335 --> 00:12:15,674
Well, how upset do you think I should be
within the confines of your movie career?
360
00:12:15,774 --> 00:12:19,211
Well, it's-- based on what you
know about me, I'd say not at all.
361
00:12:19,311 --> 00:12:24,216
But, uh, based on what you've seen of her, uh, quite a bit.
362
00:12:24,316 --> 00:12:26,618
So you do think she's attractive.
363
00:12:26,718 --> 00:12:27,886
Laura, I am not going to lie to you.
364
00:12:27,986 --> 00:12:29,020
I-- good grief.
365
00:12:29,121 --> 00:12:32,124
Look at-- well, don't look at it.
366
00:12:32,224 --> 00:12:33,725
All right, honey. You win.
367
00:12:33,825 --> 00:12:34,826
I'll just fix the script up.
368
00:12:34,926 --> 00:12:36,128
I don't do any acting.
369
00:12:36,228 --> 00:12:39,097
And now I'm supposed to say, oh, no, Rob.
370
00:12:39,197 --> 00:12:40,866
Of course not. Let's not the childish.
371
00:12:40,966 --> 00:12:42,100
Go ahead and do the picture.
372
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:42,934
Right?
373
00:12:43,034 --> 00:12:45,303
Well, if you mean it, honey.
374
00:12:45,403 --> 00:12:49,574
Hey, Rob, the rewrite turned out
great, just what the script needed.
375
00:12:49,674 --> 00:12:50,709
- Oh, thanks, thanks. - Beautiful.
376
00:12:50,809 --> 00:12:51,843
You all set?
377
00:12:51,943 --> 00:12:54,112
Well, I've never done it before,
so I don't know if I'm all set or not.
378
00:12:54,212 --> 00:12:54,946
Yes, he is.
379
00:12:55,046 --> 00:12:56,414
He knows his lines backwards.
380
00:12:56,515 --> 00:12:57,382
This is my wife, Laura.
381
00:12:57,482 --> 00:12:58,583
Oh, good casting.
382
00:12:58,683 --> 00:12:59,851
Thank you.
383
00:12:59,951 --> 00:13:01,119
Is it all right if she sits and watches?
384
00:13:01,219 --> 00:13:03,021
She's never seen a movie being made before.
385
00:13:03,121 --> 00:13:05,524
Rob, any wife of yours is welcome here.
386
00:13:05,624 --> 00:13:09,528
Uh, why don't you, uh-- why don't
you go to wardrobe and get dressed?
387
00:13:09,628 --> 00:13:11,329
Well, isn't this dressed?
388
00:13:11,429 --> 00:13:12,998
Why don't-- we'll get you a costume.
389
00:13:13,098 --> 00:13:15,233
Barry, Barry, fix him up with something.
390
00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:15,934
Here you go.
391
00:13:16,034 --> 00:13:17,068
I'll be right back.
392
00:13:17,169 --> 00:13:18,236
You want to go with me?
393
00:13:18,336 --> 00:13:20,639
Well, I-- Uh, uh,
she'll be fine right here, Rob.
394
00:13:20,739 --> 00:13:21,640
Oh, OK.
395
00:13:21,740 --> 00:13:22,541
That's it.
396
00:13:22,641 --> 00:13:23,775
You run along.
397
00:13:23,875 --> 00:13:25,177
He's going to be perfect.
398
00:13:28,113 --> 00:13:31,816
How do you like the leading lady we picked out for your husband?
399
00:13:31,917 --> 00:13:35,520
Is that her complete costume?
400
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:36,821
It's a little too complete.
401
00:13:36,922 --> 00:13:39,724
Judy, take the hem up a couple of inches.
402
00:13:39,824 --> 00:13:40,759
She's Italian.
403
00:13:40,859 --> 00:13:42,627
Doesn't speak a word of English.
404
00:13:42,727 --> 00:13:44,196
How does she say her part?
405
00:13:44,296 --> 00:13:45,497
Phonetically.
406
00:13:45,597 --> 00:13:48,233
For a girl who doesn't know what
she's talking about, she's great.
407
00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:49,634
She's-- Judy, just set her up on the [inaudible]..
408
00:13:49,734 --> 00:13:51,036
Set her up like before for rehearsal.
409
00:13:51,136 --> 00:13:54,339
Hey, why don't you,
uh-- why don't you make yourself at home?
410
00:13:54,439 --> 00:13:55,340
That's it, right there.
411
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:56,241
Right there.
412
00:13:56,341 --> 00:13:57,209
Beautiful.
413
00:13:57,309 --> 00:13:58,410
All right.
414
00:13:58,510 --> 00:14:01,413
[chatter]
415
00:14:01,513 --> 00:14:02,447
Les?
416
00:14:02,547 --> 00:14:03,548
How do I look?
417
00:14:03,648 --> 00:14:04,549
Like a writer.
418
00:14:04,649 --> 00:14:05,550
You all ready?
419
00:14:05,650 --> 00:14:06,451
ROB: Well, I, uh, think so.
420
00:14:06,551 --> 00:14:07,819
I'll be right with you.
421
00:14:07,919 --> 00:14:09,588
Honey, how do I look?
422
00:14:09,688 --> 00:14:12,924
Well, you look fine, Rob.
423
00:14:13,024 --> 00:14:15,126
Is that her costume?
424
00:14:15,227 --> 00:14:16,595
They're going to fix it.
425
00:14:16,695 --> 00:14:18,296
Well, I should think so.
426
00:14:18,396 --> 00:14:20,632
They're going to make it shorter.
427
00:14:20,732 --> 00:14:21,566
What?
428
00:14:21,666 --> 00:14:22,500
OK.
429
00:14:22,601 --> 00:14:23,768
OK, Rob.
430
00:14:23,868 --> 00:14:25,337
We'll take the first couple of scenes.
431
00:14:25,437 --> 00:14:29,641
Now, this is where you told her to get out, and you
went walking on the beach looking for inspiration.
432
00:14:29,741 --> 00:14:31,710
And then you come back, and you find she's still here.
433
00:14:31,810 --> 00:14:32,911
You got it? - Got it.
434
00:14:33,011 --> 00:14:34,379
Uh, you got any questions?
435
00:14:34,479 --> 00:14:36,114
About what?
436
00:14:36,214 --> 00:14:37,549
Uh, your attitude.
437
00:14:37,649 --> 00:14:39,351
Oh, I think my attitude is I've told her to get out.
438
00:14:39,451 --> 00:14:41,586
I've gone out on a walk on the beach for inspiration.
439
00:14:41,686 --> 00:14:42,554
I come back. She's still there.
440
00:14:42,654 --> 00:14:43,555
Right?
441
00:14:43,655 --> 00:14:44,489
Right, right.
442
00:14:44,589 --> 00:14:45,624
All right.
443
00:14:45,724 --> 00:14:46,558
Uh, we'll try it a couple of times.
444
00:14:46,658 --> 00:14:47,659
Go get 'em, tiger.
445
00:14:47,759 --> 00:14:50,495
OK.
446
00:14:50,595 --> 00:14:51,863
[laughing]
447
00:14:51,963 --> 00:14:53,765
I haven't said hello to Miss Merkle yet.
448
00:14:53,865 --> 00:14:55,300
Uh, I'm Merkle, Rob.
449
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,434
She's Mazetta.
450
00:14:56,534 --> 00:14:58,203
[laughing]
451
00:14:58,303 --> 00:14:59,738
Good thing I didn't say hello to her yet.
452
00:14:59,838 --> 00:15:01,172
Rob.
453
00:15:01,273 --> 00:15:01,840
Why don't you just go right in there and say hello?
454
00:15:01,940 --> 00:15:02,874
OK.
455
00:15:02,974 --> 00:15:03,775
- Go right in there. - Hi.
456
00:15:03,875 --> 00:15:05,010
Hi.
457
00:15:07,545 --> 00:15:08,880
Beautiful, beautiful.
458
00:15:08,980 --> 00:15:10,382
All right, Rob. All right.
459
00:15:10,482 --> 00:15:11,383
Now we'll get-- OK.
460
00:15:11,483 --> 00:15:12,851
Settle down, everybody. Here we go.
461
00:15:12,951 --> 00:15:13,985
Here we go.
462
00:15:14,085 --> 00:15:14,886
Make an entrance right-- atta-boy.
463
00:15:14,986 --> 00:15:15,820
Right.
464
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,088
Right.
465
00:15:17,188 --> 00:15:18,790
Beautiful, beautiful.
466
00:15:18,890 --> 00:15:20,859
[inaudible]
467
00:15:20,959 --> 00:15:21,926
OK.
468
00:15:22,027 --> 00:15:22,861
All right.
469
00:15:22,961 --> 00:15:24,496
Are we all set?
470
00:15:24,596 --> 00:15:25,897
Here we go.
471
00:15:25,997 --> 00:15:27,098
Action.
472
00:15:31,603 --> 00:15:34,072
Uh, action.
473
00:15:34,172 --> 00:15:35,607
Did you say something, Les?
474
00:15:39,010 --> 00:15:40,745
I, uh-- I said action, Rob.
475
00:15:40,845 --> 00:15:41,813
Oh.
476
00:15:41,913 --> 00:15:43,348
LESLIE: Uh, no. Wait a minute.
477
00:15:43,448 --> 00:15:44,249
Wait a minute.
478
00:15:44,349 --> 00:15:45,183
No.
479
00:15:45,283 --> 00:15:47,919
Go back in again, Rob. - Oh,
I-- - Come out again. - When you say it.
480
00:15:48,019 --> 00:15:48,820
Right, right.
481
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:49,754
Right.
482
00:15:49,854 --> 00:15:50,922
You remember the word?
483
00:15:51,022 --> 00:15:52,324
Oh, action. Beautiful, beautiful.
484
00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:53,325
Wonderful.
485
00:15:56,061 --> 00:15:59,230
Uh, um, OK, action.
486
00:16:06,204 --> 00:16:09,107
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, Rita, it looks as if
you didn't take me seriously when I told you
487
00:16:09,207 --> 00:16:11,409
you should get out.
488
00:16:11,509 --> 00:16:12,410
Um.
489
00:16:17,215 --> 00:16:20,585
Hey, Rob, do you-- do you have an English accent?
490
00:16:20,685 --> 00:16:21,686
Well, no.
491
00:16:21,786 --> 00:16:22,821
You're talking with one.
492
00:16:22,921 --> 00:16:23,955
I am?
493
00:16:24,055 --> 00:16:25,256
I thought I was, you know, acting.
494
00:16:25,357 --> 00:16:26,491
Uh, no. We'll try it again.
495
00:16:26,591 --> 00:16:27,525
We'll try it again.
496
00:16:27,625 --> 00:16:29,794
Well-- well, you want me to cut down on
the accent a little, huh? Is that it?
497
00:16:29,894 --> 00:16:30,995
A lot. A lot.
498
00:16:31,096 --> 00:16:32,430
You're just a regular guy.
499
00:16:32,530 --> 00:16:33,298
A regular guy.
500
00:16:33,398 --> 00:16:36,768
Well, you mean, like, uh, look, Rita, uh, you
didn't take me seriously about getting out.
501
00:16:36,868 --> 00:16:37,702
No.
502
00:16:37,802 --> 00:16:38,636
No, not like that.
503
00:16:38,737 --> 00:16:40,772
I mean-- You said a regular
guy, you know?
504
00:16:40,872 --> 00:16:42,307
That's too regular, Rob.
505
00:16:42,407 --> 00:16:43,341
Yeah.
506
00:16:43,441 --> 00:16:47,278
Just, uh, somewhere between Lord
Henry Winthrop and a truck driver.
507
00:16:47,379 --> 00:16:48,880
How do you want me to talk?
508
00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:50,949
Just the way you're talking now.
509
00:16:51,049 --> 00:16:52,650
Well, that's easy.
510
00:16:52,751 --> 00:16:53,952
Well, that's not acting, is it?
511
00:16:54,052 --> 00:16:55,720
Well, that's a the I hired you, Rob.
512
00:16:55,820 --> 00:16:56,721
I don't want actors.
513
00:16:56,821 --> 00:16:57,922
I want real people.
514
00:16:58,022 --> 00:16:59,090
OK? - All right.
515
00:16:59,190 --> 00:17:00,225
OK. Come on, boy.
516
00:17:00,325 --> 00:17:01,393
You can do it. Atta-boy.
517
00:17:01,493 --> 00:17:02,994
Here we go. [inaudible], everybody.
518
00:17:03,094 --> 00:17:03,928
We're going to go again.
519
00:17:04,029 --> 00:17:05,230
This is the one.
520
00:17:05,330 --> 00:17:06,498
OK.
521
00:17:06,598 --> 00:17:07,532
Action.
522
00:17:11,202 --> 00:17:12,370
(WHISPERING) Rob.
523
00:17:19,010 --> 00:17:20,078
What is it, Rob?
524
00:17:20,178 --> 00:17:21,012
Well, I don't know.
525
00:17:21,112 --> 00:17:22,981
What is it, honey?
526
00:17:23,081 --> 00:17:24,416
It's nothing, darling.
527
00:17:24,516 --> 00:17:26,217
It's just that your shirt's bunched up in the back.
528
00:17:26,317 --> 00:17:27,685
It doesn't look very good.
529
00:17:27,786 --> 00:17:28,586
Go ahead.
530
00:17:28,686 --> 00:17:30,255
It's all right.
531
00:17:32,791 --> 00:17:37,796
I admit that I am lured by the temptation of your beauty.
532
00:17:37,896 --> 00:17:42,300
But I am compelled by--
by an even stronger call.
533
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:46,704
A call whose sweetness is unwavering, pure.
534
00:17:46,805 --> 00:17:53,745
The call of my work,
that magnificent art they call poetry.
535
00:17:53,845 --> 00:17:54,779
How was that?
536
00:17:58,983 --> 00:18:00,285
We'll never do it better.
537
00:18:00,385 --> 00:18:01,319
Oh, thanks, Les.
538
00:18:01,419 --> 00:18:03,455
A monkey could do it better.
539
00:18:05,990 --> 00:18:09,761
When I turn around, I think it
would be better if you were gone.
540
00:18:09,861 --> 00:18:10,862
But I love you.
541
00:18:10,962 --> 00:18:12,363
No, you don't love me.
542
00:18:12,464 --> 00:18:14,766
You love being in love.
543
00:18:14,866 --> 00:18:16,968
If it weren't me, it would be someone else.
544
00:18:17,068 --> 00:18:19,137
There is no other.
545
00:18:19,237 --> 00:18:21,806
Then there's no one else.
546
00:18:21,906 --> 00:18:22,974
It's all over.
547
00:18:23,074 --> 00:18:24,876
Can you look at me and say that?
548
00:18:24,976 --> 00:18:25,910
Easily.
549
00:18:29,848 --> 00:18:31,449
It's all over.
550
00:18:31,549 --> 00:18:33,418
Can you kiss me and say that?
551
00:18:33,518 --> 00:18:35,653
The kiss will only say it better than the words.
552
00:18:43,795 --> 00:18:45,063
[inaudible]
553
00:18:45,163 --> 00:18:46,631
Cut.
554
00:18:46,731 --> 00:18:47,999
Cut.
555
00:18:48,099 --> 00:18:49,133
[speaking italian]
556
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:50,735
Uh, hey, Rob.
557
00:18:50,835 --> 00:18:54,873
Rob, that kiss was supposed to say I don't love you anymore.
558
00:18:54,973 --> 00:18:56,040
What did mine say?
559
00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:59,110
It said I'm deathly afraid of you.
560
00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:02,547
How do you-- Well,
it's very simple.
561
00:19:02,647 --> 00:19:05,650
You-- you kiss her the way you used to but without love.
562
00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:06,784
Watch. - Yeah.
563
00:19:06,885 --> 00:19:07,819
Hold this.
564
00:19:16,361 --> 00:19:17,695
Oh, Leslie.
565
00:19:17,795 --> 00:19:19,797
Uh, no, no.
566
00:19:19,898 --> 00:19:21,366
Uh, uh, [inaudible].
567
00:19:21,466 --> 00:19:22,300
OK.
568
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,434
Now, do you think you can do that?
569
00:19:23,535 --> 00:19:24,769
ROB: Well, I'll sure try, Les.
570
00:19:24,869 --> 00:19:26,170
All right. All right.
571
00:19:26,271 --> 00:19:27,105
Roll 'em Roll 'em.
572
00:19:27,205 --> 00:19:28,339
Take 16.
573
00:19:32,076 --> 00:19:33,511
Speed.
574
00:19:33,611 --> 00:19:34,512
Action.
575
00:19:44,455 --> 00:19:47,725
[speaking italian]
576
00:19:47,825 --> 00:19:48,626
All right.
577
00:19:48,726 --> 00:19:49,494
All right.
578
00:19:49,594 --> 00:19:50,828
Relax, everybody. All right.
579
00:19:50,929 --> 00:19:51,863
[inaudible]
580
00:19:51,963 --> 00:19:52,797
Sit down.
581
00:19:52,897 --> 00:19:53,831
Sit down, Rob.
582
00:19:53,932 --> 00:19:54,766
OK.
583
00:19:54,866 --> 00:19:56,601
Take it easy, everybody.
584
00:19:56,701 --> 00:19:57,969
Rob.
585
00:19:58,069 --> 00:19:58,937
What's a matter, boy?
586
00:19:59,037 --> 00:19:59,904
You're tight as a drum.
587
00:20:00,004 --> 00:20:01,940
I don't know.
588
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:02,941
It's tough, Les.
589
00:20:03,041 --> 00:20:04,208
It's really tough, you know?
590
00:20:04,309 --> 00:20:07,812
Rob, what is so tough about doing
a love scene with a gorgeous girl?
591
00:20:07,912 --> 00:20:09,147
Well, I tell you.
592
00:20:09,247 --> 00:20:13,117
It wouldn't be quite so tough if certain
people weren't around here watching.
593
00:20:13,217 --> 00:20:14,152
Oh.
594
00:20:14,252 --> 00:20:15,353
Hello, dear.
595
00:20:17,922 --> 00:20:18,756
Is that it?
596
00:20:18,856 --> 00:20:20,124
Well, it must be it.
597
00:20:20,225 --> 00:20:24,095
Every time I try and kiss her,
I can see her looking at me and laughing.
598
00:20:24,195 --> 00:20:25,730
She wasn't laughing, Rob.
599
00:20:25,830 --> 00:20:27,398
Well, she is inside.
600
00:20:27,498 --> 00:20:30,168
I don't think I can act with her here.
601
00:20:30,268 --> 00:20:31,402
Well, that's easily fixed.
602
00:20:31,502 --> 00:20:32,604
I'll just tell her how you feel.
603
00:20:32,704 --> 00:20:34,272
Well, I'll-- I'll give get rid of her.
604
00:20:34,372 --> 00:20:35,206
I'll tell her.
605
00:20:35,306 --> 00:20:36,307
Atta-boy.
606
00:20:36,407 --> 00:20:37,242
Atta-boy.
607
00:20:37,342 --> 00:20:38,376
Go get 'em, tiger.
608
00:20:38,476 --> 00:20:39,944
[speaking italian]
609
00:20:41,079 --> 00:20:42,814
Honey, can I talk to you a minute?
610
00:20:42,914 --> 00:20:44,048
Yes, dear.
611
00:20:44,148 --> 00:20:45,717
How do you think it's going so far?
612
00:20:45,817 --> 00:20:47,986
Well, it's-- it's very interesting.
613
00:20:48,086 --> 00:20:49,287
Yeah.
614
00:20:49,387 --> 00:20:50,888
Honey, I don't know exactly how to say this.
615
00:20:50,989 --> 00:20:55,259
You know sometimes when I'm trying to write at home,
and you're in the same room, you know, with me,
616
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:56,561
and I freeze up inside.
617
00:20:56,661 --> 00:20:58,863
I can't perform to my ultimate potential.
618
00:20:58,963 --> 00:20:59,864
No.
619
00:20:59,964 --> 00:21:01,199
So it is the same way here.
620
00:21:01,299 --> 00:21:03,601
Did you say no?
621
00:21:03,701 --> 00:21:06,104
Well, Rob, are you trying to tell
me you don't want me to be here?
622
00:21:06,204 --> 00:21:07,238
Is that what you're getting at?
623
00:21:07,338 --> 00:21:08,740
Well, honey, look.
624
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,775
Les-- who has been in the business a lot longer than I
625
00:21:10,875 --> 00:21:13,444
have-- says that it happens even with the biggest stars.
626
00:21:13,544 --> 00:21:17,181
They get choked up, you know,
when their loved ones are on the set.
627
00:21:17,282 --> 00:21:18,716
Oh?
628
00:21:18,816 --> 00:21:21,119
Well, you really think you can act better if I leave?
629
00:21:21,219 --> 00:21:23,621
Honey, I couldn't act any worse.
630
00:21:23,721 --> 00:21:28,526
It's just-- I can't really kiss a girl
with any feeling when you're watching.
631
00:21:28,626 --> 00:21:29,460
Really?
632
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,596
Well, I mean, you know, in a play.
633
00:21:31,696 --> 00:21:34,632
[inaudible],, honey, that's what this scene is about.
634
00:21:34,732 --> 00:21:39,037
Well, Rob, I certainly wouldn't want to be the
one responsible for ruining your movie career,
635
00:21:39,137 --> 00:21:42,206
so good luck with your kissing.
636
00:21:42,306 --> 00:21:44,242
Let's go from the kiss.
637
00:21:44,342 --> 00:21:45,643
Action.
638
00:21:45,743 --> 00:21:49,347
Oh, uh, Les, can we back it up a couple of
lines, kind of get a running start into it?
639
00:21:49,447 --> 00:21:50,848
All right.
640
00:21:50,948 --> 00:21:54,118
Let's take it from, uh,
can you kiss me and say that-- ROB: Good.
641
00:21:54,218 --> 00:21:56,654
Good, good.
642
00:21:56,754 --> 00:21:58,589
Can you kiss me and say that?
643
00:21:58,690 --> 00:22:00,792
The kiss will only say it more than the words.
644
00:22:07,131 --> 00:22:09,434
[speaking italian]
645
00:22:12,704 --> 00:22:15,006
Lunch.
646
00:22:15,106 --> 00:22:16,674
Uh, look, Rob.
647
00:22:16,774 --> 00:22:18,142
OK, everybody, that's it.
648
00:22:18,242 --> 00:22:20,478
Uh, I want to talk to you about something at lunch.
649
00:22:20,578 --> 00:22:21,946
Well, it's the girl, you know.
650
00:22:22,046 --> 00:22:22,847
She's too passive.
651
00:22:22,947 --> 00:22:24,115
She's a problem.
652
00:22:24,215 --> 00:22:26,651
There's another problem I want to talk to you about.
653
00:22:26,751 --> 00:22:28,052
She's got to come up more.
654
00:22:28,152 --> 00:22:28,986
Oh, yeah.
655
00:22:29,087 --> 00:22:32,657
[inaudible]
656
00:22:36,060 --> 00:22:38,930
[phone ringing]
657
00:22:39,030 --> 00:22:40,698
Hello?
658
00:22:40,798 --> 00:22:42,600
Oh, hi, Mil.
659
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:45,870
Well, no, it wasn't as much fun
as I thought it was going to be.
660
00:22:45,970 --> 00:22:48,005
In fact, it was awful.
661
00:22:48,106 --> 00:22:50,274
Well, Rob sent me home.
662
00:22:50,374 --> 00:22:53,044
He said I made him nervous.
663
00:22:53,144 --> 00:22:54,679
He was OK, I guess.
664
00:22:54,779 --> 00:22:57,348
He was no Marcello Mastroianni, I'll tell you that.
665
00:22:57,448 --> 00:22:58,416
Hi.
666
00:22:58,516 --> 00:22:59,751
LAURA: Hi.
667
00:22:59,851 --> 00:23:02,220
Uh, Millie, I'll call you back.
668
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,454
Marcello's home.
669
00:23:06,357 --> 00:23:07,358
What are you doing here?
670
00:23:07,458 --> 00:23:08,793
What's it look like I'm doing?
671
00:23:08,893 --> 00:23:10,428
Well, it looks like you're having cookies and milk.
672
00:23:10,528 --> 00:23:11,362
What took you so long?
673
00:23:11,462 --> 00:23:12,830
Where you been?
674
00:23:12,930 --> 00:23:14,332
Well, I just did some shopping.
675
00:23:14,432 --> 00:23:17,135
I didn't think you'd be here anyway.
676
00:23:17,235 --> 00:23:18,503
You finished already?
677
00:23:18,603 --> 00:23:19,403
Not already.
678
00:23:19,504 --> 00:23:21,139
Completely.
679
00:23:21,239 --> 00:23:22,740
What happened?
680
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,843
Well, Mr. Merkle and I had a little difference of opinion.
681
00:23:25,943 --> 00:23:26,911
About what?
682
00:23:27,011 --> 00:23:30,815
Well, I wanted to play the part my way,
and he kept insisting I do it right.
683
00:23:33,985 --> 00:23:35,920
So you didn't improve a lot after I left, huh?
684
00:23:36,020 --> 00:23:36,954
No.
685
00:23:37,054 --> 00:23:40,158
What you saw was the height of my work.
686
00:23:40,258 --> 00:23:41,359
LAURA: Did he fire you?
687
00:23:41,459 --> 00:23:42,660
Well, not completely.
688
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:46,764
I still get to fix the script up.
689
00:23:46,864 --> 00:23:48,966
Oh, darling, don't feel too badly.
690
00:23:49,066 --> 00:23:51,102
Well, I can't help it.
691
00:23:51,202 --> 00:23:55,273
I mean, what hurts is I never thought of
myself as any great actor or anything.
692
00:23:55,373 --> 00:23:59,143
But he told-- he told me I didn't even know how to kiss.
693
00:23:59,243 --> 00:24:01,145
Oh, Rob.
694
00:24:01,245 --> 00:24:04,982
Hey, you know what I'd like to-- let's
just take this weekend and go away
695
00:24:05,082 --> 00:24:07,819
and have a nice romantic time and forget all about this, huh?
696
00:24:07,919 --> 00:24:12,824
How can I have a romantic weekend
when I know I'm a lousy kisser?
697
00:24:12,924 --> 00:24:14,192
Oh, Rob.
698
00:24:14,292 --> 00:24:15,426
Darling.
699
00:24:15,526 --> 00:24:16,627
Oh.
700
00:24:19,797 --> 00:24:21,199
Ooh.
701
00:24:21,299 --> 00:24:22,633
It's no use.
702
00:24:22,733 --> 00:24:25,570
I know now all these years, you've been carrying me.
703
00:24:31,275 --> 00:24:35,646
[music playing]
47816
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