All language subtitles for the dick van dyke show s05e06 720p bluray x264-geckos.eng

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[bomb falling on television]

Hey!

Aw, Rob, come on, you don't want to be late, do you?

I don't want to go at all!

Honey-- doggone it, these are my best shows are on tonight.

Why can't we do it On Tuesdays?

Because on Tuesday they have Chinese cooking.

Good!

We can-- we can eat while we learn, huh?

Hey, come on, honey, just take a look at it for
a minute, it's fantastic. It's World War I!

I'll save you a lot of time.

The Allies win.

What?

I don't want to learn to be an artist.

I'm a good writer, I draw good.

You draw great, but you said yourself you'd like
to study so you'd really know what you're doing.

Aw, nuts.

OK, I'll just go alone, then.

I bought us new paint boxes and everything.

No, I'll go.

Don't want to start a World War III.

[knock on door]

Hi, it's me, the babysitter.

Hi!

Boy, am I glad to get out of my madhouse!

Well, listen, just make yourself comfortable.

Just be at home.

You better go, you'll be late.

Hey, Mill, would you watch that thing on
World War I, tell me how it comes out?

I can tell you now how it comes out, we win.

[laughs] Sure is strange, painting after all these
years, boy-- felt a lot like the piano, I guess,

you know, lay off practicing for a while and look what happens.

It takes time.

I think we'll have to work on
that perspective and proportion.

Oh, good, good, good.

Uh, that's a little gory, isn't it?

Yeah!

You see, I love red, and I don't
do roses or apples, so I do blood.

Well, I'll help you with your roses, hmm?

Oh, that's OK.

And how do you like mine, Calvary?

I call it-- Monday.

Tuesday?

Try Tuesday night.

Class-- I'd like you all to take a look at Rob's painting.

Oh!

Now, that pear is almost perfect.

In fact, it's so good, it looks
as if it were taken with a camera.

Yes, it does-- Really does.

And that's just what's wrong with it.

That's why it's a poor painting.

Poor?

Why, he's the best one!

I'll admit it looks exactly like a
pear, but it's-- it's cold.

It lacks sensitivity.

Naturally, Rob has promise--
he has a fine technique, but--

well, he should ask more of himself emotionally.

And that's why he's here, I'm sure.

Right?

Well, yeah, sure, I guess-- guess that's right.

Oh!

I'm-- I'm sorry.

All right, class.

Now let's try another painting, and this time,
don't be afraid to display your emotions!

[grunt]

Don't be discouraged.

You just have to relax.

Uh, I don't know what to paint now.

Well, why don't you do a sketch of something.

Do someone in the room.

Oh, do Laura.

Laura?

Laura, would you mind?

Rob would like to make a sketch of you.

Oh, sure!

That's much better.

Much, much better.

Now, here you show us what you actually feel.

Could I see it?

Oh, sure.

Rob, hold it up so Laura can see.

OK.

[laughing]

S--seen enough?

All right, girls, back to your easels.

And let's see if we can all show as much freedom as Rob has.

You know something?

This is all right, this could-- this could be a lot of fun!

Oh, it will be fun.

Sure is easy to see who teacher's pet is.

Huh?

Oh, well, it's,
uh-- Let's see the other one.

Oh, it's a pear!

Isn't it kind of big?

That's too big for a pear but this isn't too big for a mouth?

Honey, I told you, this-- this is a caricature!

I know.

I want to go and see how they look on the bedroom wall.

Oh, Rob, if you hang that up in the bedroom, it'll
be the only thing in there that looks like me.

For a guy who hated to go,
he sure seems to have loved the class.

Yeah, and,
uh-- class loved him, too.

They did?

Well, it's probably just my
imagination, but-- no, forget it.

How can I forget it you haven't told it to me yet?

What is it?

Well, I'm sure I'm imagining it, Millie,
but I-- I just think that the teacher spent

a little bit more time with Rob
than was artistically necessary.

Those look great on our bedroom wall.

You didn't!

I'm kidding, come on.

Say, I really have to go, I'll talk to you later.

OK.

If I don't get home by 12:00, I turn into a-- I don't
know what I turn into, I'm always home by 12:00!

Thank you!

What's that for?

That was an apology kiss.

For what?

For making you drag me to something
that turned out to be so much fun.

Oh, Rob, are you just saying that for me?

No, honey, I really enjoyed the evening!

I would appreciate it if it
wasn't on Wednesday night, though.

Boy, I never thought you'd admit you
like art better than World War I.

Yes, well, there's an awful lot to be
said for having a really good teacher.

You think she was that good?

Oh, terrific, didn't you?

Well, I don't know.

I like your pear a lot better than my big mouth.

Well, so did I, honey,
but I think-- I think her theory is right.

Do you suppose that she'd think you were quite
as talented if she knew you were married?

Honey, I think she knows we're married all right.

How could she have missed
my-- Where's your ring?

Oh!

I took it off, I didn't want to get it all slopped up.

[laughs] Don't worry, next time we're there,
I'm sure that she'll know we're married.

You're going to tell her?

No, no, I'm gonna wear my ring.

And if she happens to miss that, I'm sure
you'll find some cute way to let her know.

Ah!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

That's excellent, Rob.

Really excellent.

Thank you very much, but look at who I have for a teacher!

Thank you, sir.

Oh, but-- look.

Hold your brush more firmly.

No, not tense.

Yeah.

Not-- not too tight.

There.

That's right.

Good!

Keep painting, class, I'll be back in just a minute.

Oh, Rob?

Yeah?

Would you give me a hand, please?

Oh, OK.

I'm gonna give her a hand.

Ooh!

I think that that's awful.

What?

Those two back there!

I feel like I'm butting in on a private lesson!

Well, he does have talent!

Oh, boy, are you naive!

Thank, you, Rob.

You can just put them right down there.

OK.

It's so nice to have a man around the class!

Well, I guess that's all for tonight.

And, unfortunately, as you can see,
we only have three students left.

So the school has decided to consolidate this
class with the class that meets on Thursday.

Oh, great!

In the afternoon.

In the afternoon?

I can't come in the afternoon, I work!

Aw, that's a shame.

I'm sorry, Rob, but the school makes the rules.

Oh, gee, that's a shame.

If there's any change in schedule,
I'm sure the school will contact you.

Well, anyway, thanks for the two lessons.

- Goodbye, Rob. - Goodbye.

Keep painting, huh?

Don't worry, I will.

Good.

- Bye, girls. - Bye, Valerie.

See you,
uh-- Thursday afternoon.

Gee, that's a shame.

You're still snickering.

What are you snickering at?

Oh, no, darling, it's-- it's just silly.

Well, come on, tell me.

I like silly things myself.

Hey, Millie?

We're back.

Oh, the lesson was fine.

I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Was Richie any trouble?

Clean shirt for tomorrow, right.

Well, if it'll make you sleep better, I was wrong.

I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Bye bye.

Bob, Richie needs a clean shirt for tomorrow morning, darling.

Now, come on!

What are you laughing at?

Oh, Rob, I'm laughing at me.

Will you let me in on it, please?

I thought that Valerie Ware was out to nail you!

You-- you thought she was falling for me?

Yeah, well, for a minute, I did.

Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you ever heard of?

[laughing]

Well, I don't think that's so ridiculous.

Oh, Rob.

What, you don't think anybody could fall for me?

What-- I'm some kind of a-- No, you're
very, very-- but you're just not her type.

Right!

She didn't even blink an eye when I
told her I could make the other class.

No, no.

She didn't.

You know, I'm kind of flattered, though.

Why, that she didn't fall for you?

No, no, I mean that you think that a beautiful
gal like that-- You think she's beautiful?

--that you-- well-- her--
she's-- don't you like her?

Well, that didn't have anything to do with
liking her, Rob, it's just that I know her type.

She's a schemer.

Well, hey, if she's a schemer, she's not a very good schemer,

because she could have schemed me in
one of her new classes, right? - Right!

Right.

I'll get the-- Richie shirt.

See if there's anything
good in the icebox-- OK.

I'll get it!

Can you get that?

Hello?

Well, he isn't-- who's calling?

Valerie?

Well!

How are you, this is Laura!

Yeah, I'm surprised to hear your voice, too.

I live here with my husband.

Oh, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah, nine years now.

Uh, Rob?

Well, I tell you, Valerie,
he's getting a shirt for our son, and--

yeah, yeah, we have a little boy and everything.

Well, can I be of any help?

Oh.

How thoughtful.

Well, how very thoughtful of you.

Hmm?

Yes, yes, I'll tell him.

Goodbye.

I'll run this on over to Millie's.

Who was it?

Laura?

Honey?

That woman!

Valerie?

Well, it didn't take you three guesses!

I was-- we were just talking about--
what, what did she want?

You.

But what for?

I-- w-- did she leave a message or anything?

She's going to arrange private lessons for you.

Private lessons?

Private lessons.

Boy, she didn't wait two seconds.

Well, ho!

Wait a minute, honey, I didn't say I was going to take them.

You mean you're not going to?

Well, I don't know.

If it's going to bother you that much, I don't--
Well, if they're with her, it's going to bother me.

Well, what do you mean, with her?

Well, she said something about the lessons would
either be with her or Professor Zimmering

Professor Zimmering!

You're disappointed!

No, I'm embarrassed!

Professor, he's a-- very famous guy,
and he's got paintings in all museums.

I'm not that good.

This is a bit of a surprise.

Rob, if you end up taking your lessons
with Professor Zimmering, I'd be surprised.

Honey, you just forced the issue.

How?

Well, now I have to go, to find out
which one of us will be surprised!

Look, let's assume everything you say about Valerie is true.

How do you know that Professor didn't give him a lesson?

Yeah, that's true,
but-- what if he isn't?

Yeah.

It's 11:16 already.

Aw-- If only Rob weren't so naive when it comes to women.

Boy, some of the things he doesn't know, Millie,
it's-- he can be such a little boy, you know?

Then you got nothing to worry about.

It's when he acts like a grown man!

[whistling] Hi!

Hi!

Back so early?

Early?

Honey, it's after 11 o'clock.

Is it really?

Gee, the evening just seemed to fly by.

Like it had wings!

How was the lesson?

Oh, just great.

I have-- quote-- the soul of an
artist, unquote.

That's it!

Those are Professor Zimmering's exact words.

Professor Zimmering?

Yup.

Do you hear that, Millie?

Professor Zimmering said that to Rob.

I heard it, I heard it.

Now I can go home!

Good night, Rob. - Good night, Mill!

And Laura.

Oh, you're such a lovely couple!

What else did he have to say?

Well, we didn't have too awful much of a chance to
talk, eh-- he had to leave a little early, honey.

He left early?

Well, yeah, you know, he's awful busy.

He's, you know, head of the Department,
and all, museums bothering him.

So, anyway, Valerie finished the lesson.

And you were, uh, with her til this hour of the morning?

Honey, she's my teacher, and I'm her student, and
you're my wife, and I'd like to keep it that way.

I think you ought to be ashamed of the way you're talking now.

Well, OK.

You want something to eat?

No, thanks.

Forgive me?

Yes.

OK.

Well!

Tell me all about what you learned tonight.

Well, you know, it was a-- my first lesson, really.

Yeah.

Did you do another still life?

No, no, not exactly.

Oh.

You didn't paint a live model, did you?

[laughs] Oh, of course not.

And I see you didn't bring home any canvases.

We got kind of a late start,
they were still wet, you know, I was-- Oh.

Well, what did you do?

Darling.

Well, honey, you know, Miss Ware has got some
kind of strange ideas about art instruction.

- Oh? - Yeah.

I mean, they're valid!

But you know, they're still a bit
new, I mean at least to me, they are.

She's-- she's an expert of what she
calls the Freed Up School of Painting.

I bet you never heard of that in your life, didn't you?

No, no, uh-- exactly what
are you freed up from?

Well, your inhibitions, actually.

What you do is, you free up your soul, you know,
so that your emotions could come to the surface.

Actually, we didn't do much, we sat around mostly,
you know, drank a lot of coffee, and listened

to some good music, you know,
talked about everything under the sun.

Honey, I'm quitting art school.

Don't, I don't know why you'd quit.

I mean, you seem to be enjoying
it just about more than anything.

Not as much as I enjoy my marriage.

Well, uh, Darling, I don't want you to quit because of me.

You haven't heard the whole story yet, honey.

Next lesson, she wants to have in her studio.

Her private studio?

Well, yeah, she's got a little place, well-- guess where.

Greenwich Village.

Bingo, that's it.

Honey, you're looking at an art school dropout.

Rob, I want you to take the class.

Huh?

I insist that you continue, Rob.

I-- trust you.

Honey, you know, there are not very many
wives that'd say something like that.

If that's the way you feel about it, I'll continue with them.

It sure didn't take you long to change your mind.

But you-- you just said to me--
Yeah, yeah, I know what I said,

darling, I'm just surprised to
see how eager you are, that's all.

I'm not!

Well, you certainly jumped at the first opportunity.

OK, I'm jumping back!

I'm not going to art school, it's all settled.

There!

Take the lessons.

Honey, what-- what do you want?

Rob, I just want what you want.

Now what do you want?

Well, what you want.

Me, too!

Well, good!

To be perfectly frank, honey,
I was kind of getting interested in it.

I was enjoying it.

She's a darn good art teacher.

I mean, she's not interested that much in me, anyway.

Believe me, I can always tell.

Well, then, it's settled.

You'll take the lessons.

Honey, I had a great idea for next week.

Why don't you come with me, we'll go down to the village,

and we could have a nice dinner at Brudeau's
and you go to a movie, and it's all over,

you come up to the studio, we could go
to a little coffeehouse or something.

Oh, Rob, and look like I'm checking up on you?

I couldn't do that, No, I mean, with the--
we'll go out with some other students.

What other students?

With the other-- didn't I say there were students?

Well, no, I-- I just assumed--
Well, don't assume.

Now, will you come?

Well, we'll see.

Not bad, Sebastian.

[knocking on the door]

- Oh, Rob-- - Hi.

I was getting worried, I thought you weren't coming.

Well, I had a little trouble finding a parking space.

That's enough for tonight, Sebastian.

This is the worst garbage I've ever painted.

The grapefruit vines are good.

I know, but I can't get the eggshells.

You're too tense.

You have to loosen up.

I'll see you next week, huh?

He's leaving?

Bye.

(MUMBLING) Rotten garbage.

Where-- where are the other students, the advanced ones?

Cancellations.

Not everyone's as serious as you are about the work.

Well, look, since I'm the only one here, why
don't we call the lessons off for the night, eh?

Nonsense!

I'd rather have one Rob Petrie than four Sebastians any day.

Oh, you'd better put a smock on.

Wh-- what are we going to do?

Squish!

Why, I beg your pardon?

Squish!

Really?

Yeah, you're going to dig in.

Squish your fingers around in the paint.

Come on, just squish them around.

What-- you mean like this?

No, like this!

There, that's it.

You're so tense, you've got to relax.

Now, just squish them around.

That's right.

Flowing, flowing!

What do you feel?

Messy.

I see you're going to need a lot of freeing up tonight.

Yeah, and a lot of washing.

Not yet.

You just keep getting the feel of the paint.

OK.

That's right.

I'm going to go change into something more comfortable.

Uh-oh.

Laura was right.

A guy can't always tell.

VALERIE WARE: Keep freeing up, Rob.

I'll only be a minute.

Go right ahead and take your time,
Miss Ware, uh-- I'm still pretty tense.

I think I'd better get into something comfortable myself.

Like my own house.

Don't look so shocked.

I'm leaving.

There!

That's much better.

[laughing] You really did get into
something more comfortable, didn't you?

Well, what'd you expect?

Well-- [laughing] Oh, boy.

Oh, this is funny, but I got to tell
you-- you're gonna laugh at this.

When you said you were going back in there
to put on something comfortable, I thought

it was going to be like in the movies, you were
going to come out in something lacy and slinky,

you know. - Disappointed?

No, no, boy, I'm relieved.

Wait until I tell Laura.

Your wife thinks I'm interested in you, doesn't she?

Oh, no.

But you know, she's a wife.

Well, yeah, she does.

And what do you think?

Well, you know,
I mean personally-- probably don't.

What-- how-- what was the rest of the lesson?

Tonight I'm going to teach you something important.

Not only in your painting, but also in your life.

Oh?

I'm going to teach you to rely not only on your intellect,

but on your emotions, and to see not
only with your eyes, but with your touch.

How do you do that?

You watch.

I'm going to draw you without looking at you.

Oh, you mean from memory?

From touch.

You're going to touch me?

Afraid?

Well, no!

I mean, that kind of thing is kinda avant-garde, isn't it?

I mean, touching people?

Kinda like-- kinda like touch typing, isn't it?

I'm sorry about that.

There!

What do you think of that?

Hey, that's pretty good!

Now it's your turn.

OK, I'm gonna try this.

[laughing]

Me.

Me!

Oh, I-- I don't think I'm ready for that
yet, isn't that kind of advanced stuff?

Oh, not for you, Rob.

Go on.

Well-- wait a minute, I'm left handed here.

OK, we'll switch.

OK.

Come on, just rub your-- your
hand over my face slightly.

OK.

Go ahead.

Oh, aren't you afraid I'll smudge your lipstick?

Well, I'm not wearing any.

Ooh.

[cough] You know what I think?

No, Rob, what do you think?

Well, I think you're after me.

Well, of course I am.

Is there anything wrong with that?

Oh, plenty.

Hey can-- can I have my hand back?

Rob, you're so full of inhibitions!

You just have to relax.

Remember you're an artist!

I-- I love my marriage and I love my
wife, and I want to go home.

Well, like they say, you can't blame a girl for trying.

Well, yes, you can.

Hi!

Hi, Honey!

I hope I'm not interrupting anything,
but a funny thing happened here.

I got to the movies and found I didn't have any money.

Oh, hey, honey-- hey!

I like to go to movies with you.

What's playing?

Well, what about your lesson?

I think I, uh, graduated.

Oh!

Well, I guess he isn't as promising as he looks.

Not nearly.

But then depends on who's doing the looking!

Bye.

Bye!

Hey, honey, let me show you a great
thing my ex-teacher taught me.

Give me your face.

What for?

For touching.

I want to draw your face without looking at it.

Rob, I have a confession to make
about the other night at Valerie's.

I know, honey.

You really did have enough money for the movie and I know it.

I did not!

Hey, you know you feel beautiful when you're angry?

Rob, I got there a little earlier than you think.

How much earlier?

That much earlier.

Boy, honey, am I glad, for my sake,
that I'm basically a good boy.

Me, too.

[theme music]