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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Ska-da-da-diddy-dee.
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[humming] Hello, Roger.
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- Hi, Roge. - Hi.
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Have a good time? - Wonderful.
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Absolutely wonderful.
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It was the best party we've ever been to.
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We had champagne.
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You know, darling, we should go out formal every night.
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[laughs]
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Oh, how was Ritchie? Was he a good boy?
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Oh, everything was great.
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LAURA: Good, good.
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I helped him with his homework,
and I got him to bed without a cupcake.
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What!
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We broke the cupcake barrier.
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I don't believe it.
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Roger, you're a wiz.
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Yeah.
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What's with this, Roge.
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Oh, Mrs. Petrie asked me to fix it.
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Oh, I fixed that thing.
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Yes, I know, dear.
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But you see, the toast is supposed to pop up not out.
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Thank you, Roger. Goodnight.
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ROGER: Goodnight.
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LAURA: [humming]
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Well, I must have got that spring too tight, huh?
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Not really.
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You just attached it to the crumber
instead of the riser bracket.
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Roger, are you putting me on?
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Huh?
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Oh, no, no.
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This is the riser bracket right here.
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Oh.
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Well, hey, I take your word for it.
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I don't know anything about-- what do I owe you, Roge?
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Well, I came at 7:30.
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I think $5 will do it.
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Hey.
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I'm getting off cheap.
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I would have paid that to have the toaster fixed.
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Hey, how about a little milk for the road, huh?
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Oh, sure, Mr. Petrie.
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OK.
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[yawns] What did you say I did to the spring?
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Well, you attached it to the crumber.
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Oh, I'll have to remember that next time.
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Oh, boy, am I tired.
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Big night, huh?
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Oh, boy, very.
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Roger, I'll give you just a little bit of advice.
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Never marry an ex dancer.
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Sir?
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Well, they're like fire horses, you know?
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They hear music and right away, boy, they want to go.
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Boy, I-- I'll bet Mrs.
Petrie's a swell dancer.
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Boy, she must be.
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My feet are so swollen.
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[groans] Oh, boy.
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We did them all too, boy, the
shag, the twist, the monkey wrench.
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The monkey wrench?
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Boy, I can just see her doing that.
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We also did a new one called the charley horse.
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Only she did it, and I got it.
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Ooh, boy, I felt like I was with a teenager all evening.
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A little more milk?
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Oh, thanks.
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There you are.
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Mrs. Petrie is a lot younger than you are, isn't she?
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No, not really.
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She just carries her age well.
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Yeah.
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Darling, do you know what I-- oh, Roger, you still here?
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Oh.
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Oh, yes.
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Uh, I was just drinking some milk.
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I'm leaving now.
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Oh, that's all right.
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I was just coming in to get the milk too.
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No more left.
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You can have mine.
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No, that's all right.
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I'll have orange juice.
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[humming] - Well.
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[humming]
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I guess I'll be leaving.
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You're coming tomorrow afternoon to help
Ritchie with his arithmetic, aren't you?
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Oh, sure, sure.
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Boy, you sure have done great with him, Roger.
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LAURA: I don't know what we'd do without you.
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- Aw. - Well, listen, come on.
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I'll let you out the front door. - Oh, that's all right.
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I'll go out this way.
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I go over the hedge--
keep in shape.
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Oh, OK.
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Then we'll see you later. - Goodnight.
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Goodnight.
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Goodnight.
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LAURA: Hey, darling?
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Let's do one more chorus of the monkey wrench.
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ROB: Oh, honey.
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LAURA: Aw, come on.
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You know, Rob, sometimes you act like an old man.
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How do I love thee?
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Let me count the ways.
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Mrs. Petrie, if only--
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(SINGING) As I was walking down the beach one
bright and sunny day, I came across a great
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big box a-floatin' on the bay.
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I pulled it in and opened it up and walked to my surprise?
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I discovered a [tap-tap-tap] right before my eyes.
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I discovered a [tap-tap-tap] right before my eyes.
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Yeah.
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Looks like things went well in the homework department, huh?
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- They sure did. - Hi, Mom.
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Hi, sweetie.
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Can I help you with your packages?
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Oh, thank you.
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12 times 9?
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108.
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Oh, Roger, you're marvelous.
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Hey, Mom.
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Look at this.
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Let's see. (READING) Je m'appelle Richard Petrie.
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Ritchie, this is French.
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Oui.
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Read more, Mom.
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Ma mere est tres belle.
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That means my mother is very beautiful.
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Oh, Ritchie, this is lovely.
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I wanted to say were a good cook,
but Roger said this would be nicer.
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Oh.
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Well, either one is just great.
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Thank you.
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Roger, are we finished?
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ROGER: Yes, Ritch. - Good.
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Bonjour, Mama.
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Hey, where are you going?
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Buddy are I are gonna bury a dead rat.
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You found a dead rat?
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No, we're going buy one.
152
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Ritchie, will you please tell
me where you can buy a dead rat?
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Do you want one, Mommy?
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No, I don't, and neither do you.
156
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Now, go out and bury something healthy.
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Oh, OK.
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I would have made a rotten little boy.
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How about a glass of milk?
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Sure.
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Now, where are my groceries?
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Oh, uh, I put 'em away.
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Roger, you're going to make some girl a wonderful
husband-- uh, after you learn a few things.
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Huh?
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Well, like the clothespins don't go in the refrigerator.
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Want to hand me a glass?
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Oh.
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How are things coming on the track team?
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I quit.
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Oh, after all that training?
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Well, that was it.
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I figured it out.
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In the past two years, between practicing
and the meets, I ran over 700 miles.
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And where am I?
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What?
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It has no meaning.
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I run around the track and end up in the same place.
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If I ran 700 miles in a straight line, I'd be somewhere.
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Where?
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Well, Canada, Ohio, or Pittsburgh.
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I'd be running for a purpose.
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Well, what about winning?
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Winning what?
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That I got no place faster than another guy?
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Well, gee, Roge, when I was in high
school, my boyfriend was on the track team.
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And, well, I think he did it to
win medals and maybe to impress me.
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But that's about as deep as it went.
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Did he?
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LAURA: Did he what?
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Impress you.
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Oh my, yes.
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He didn't win many medals, but he
looked awful cute in that track uniform.
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Sure.
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He found a deeper meaning.
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He was running for love.
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For love?
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Well, yeah, I guess you might say that.
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Was that guy Mr. Petrie?
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Oh my goodness, no.
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Between the runner and Mr. Petrie,
I fell in love with a basketball player,
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followed by a halfback, a first baseman, and,
I think in my senior year, with a goalie
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on the hockey team.
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So you really like athletes?
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Well, yeah.
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I think at that age, most girls do.
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But as I got older, I found out it really
doesn't matter how strong a fella is.
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Or how short he is or how old he is or how rich he is?
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Right.
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Oh boy.
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Roger, is there a girl behind your
decision to quit the track team?
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What makes you think that?
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Well, let's just say you have definite symptoms.
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I do?
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Like you're drinking too much.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
225
00:07:01,845 --> 00:07:02,646
No, that's all right.
226
00:07:02,746 --> 00:07:03,580
Go ahead.
227
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:04,881
Have some more.
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You, uh, want to talk about it?
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Well, I'd like to, but I couldn't.
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I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time.
231
00:07:12,756 --> 00:07:15,358
Well, look it's a quarter to three.
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There's no one in the place except you and me.
233
00:07:23,066 --> 00:07:24,334
What seems to be the trouble?
234
00:07:24,434 --> 00:07:31,641
Well, the whole thing is
one-sided and just plain fruital.
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00:07:31,741 --> 00:07:32,342
Fruital?
237
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Completely fruital.
238
00:07:35,245 --> 00:07:36,513
Well, look, Roger, you're young.
239
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If one girl turns you down, you'll find another.
240
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She didn't turn me down.
241
00:07:41,151 --> 00:07:42,986
She doesn't even know how I feel.
242
00:07:43,086 --> 00:07:46,890
Well, Roger, I am surprised at you and disappointed.
243
00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:48,224
You know what you're doing?
244
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You're admitting defeat even before the battle.
245
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There's not going to be a battle.
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00:07:54,130 --> 00:07:57,567
My feelings must forever go unspoken.
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It will be best if I just leave town and forget it.
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Leave town?
249
00:08:01,838 --> 00:08:02,439
Wow.
250
00:08:02,539 --> 00:08:03,773
That does sound serious.
251
00:08:03,873 --> 00:08:04,908
Serious?
252
00:08:05,008 --> 00:08:07,444
It's hopeless, just hopeless.
253
00:08:07,544 --> 00:08:09,446
Well, is there another fella?
254
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Does she like him?
255
00:08:14,751 --> 00:08:16,686
I think so.
256
00:08:16,786 --> 00:08:22,125
Roger, you know it is just possible that
this girl feels the same way about you.
258
00:08:22,225 --> 00:08:23,627
Why don't you talk to her?
259
00:08:23,727 --> 00:08:26,596
Uh, I can't talk to girls.
260
00:08:26,696 --> 00:08:28,298
Well, Roger, you're talking to me.
261
00:08:31,134 --> 00:08:32,469
I don't feel so good, Mrs. Petrie.
262
00:08:32,569 --> 00:08:33,737
I think I'll go home.
263
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- Oh, Roger, what's wrong? - Oh nothing.
264
00:08:35,338 --> 00:08:36,239
[chair scrapes]
265
00:08:36,339 --> 00:08:37,207
Ooh.
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00:08:37,307 --> 00:08:38,475
I've just got to go.
267
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Well, I'm sorry if our talk upset you.
268
00:08:40,076 --> 00:08:40,944
Oh, it wasn't the talk.
269
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It-- it was all that milk.
270
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Uh, whoops.
271
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Goodbye.
272
00:08:57,460 --> 00:08:58,528
Honey, what happened to the milk?
273
00:08:58,628 --> 00:09:00,130
Oh, it's all gone.
274
00:09:00,230 --> 00:09:02,265
Between Roger and Ritchie, they polished off two quarts today.
275
00:09:02,365 --> 00:09:04,067
Oh, gosh darn it.
276
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,335
What's the matter?
277
00:09:05,435 --> 00:09:07,804
Well, you baked a great chocolate
cake, and there's no milk.
279
00:09:07,904 --> 00:09:08,505
Oh, have coffee, dear.
280
00:09:08,605 --> 00:09:09,606
I poured it for you.
281
00:09:09,706 --> 00:09:11,541
Will you never learn anything?
282
00:09:11,641 --> 00:09:14,811
This is a milk cake.
283
00:09:14,911 --> 00:09:15,979
Not necessarily.
284
00:09:16,079 --> 00:09:17,013
Now watch this.
285
00:09:19,382 --> 00:09:20,183
Hmm.
286
00:09:20,283 --> 00:09:22,285
What?
287
00:09:22,385 --> 00:09:23,486
Ugh.
288
00:09:28,458 --> 00:09:29,926
Oh, what do you know?
289
00:09:30,026 --> 00:09:33,229
You drink soda with your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
290
00:09:33,329 --> 00:09:34,964
I'll just have to have grape juice.
291
00:09:39,135 --> 00:09:40,036
Rob?
292
00:09:40,136 --> 00:09:41,438
ROB: Huh?
293
00:09:41,538 --> 00:09:43,273
Has Roger ever talked to you about his problem?
294
00:09:43,373 --> 00:09:44,207
What's his problem?
295
00:09:44,307 --> 00:09:46,643
He hooked on milk?
296
00:09:46,743 --> 00:09:48,178
No, he's hooked on a girl.
297
00:09:48,278 --> 00:09:49,579
I guess he didn't talk to you.
298
00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:51,481
Well, why in the world would he talk to me?
299
00:09:51,581 --> 00:09:52,749
'Cause he talked to me.
300
00:09:52,849 --> 00:09:54,484
Who's the girl, and what's the problem?
301
00:09:54,584 --> 00:09:58,755
LAURA: Well, I don't know who the girl is, but
the problem is that it's a one-sided romance.
303
00:09:58,855 --> 00:10:02,158
Well, if I was Roger, I'd just get
rid of her and get another one. - No.
305
00:10:02,258 --> 00:10:03,159
That's the thing.
306
00:10:03,259 --> 00:10:04,327
The girl doesn't even know.
307
00:10:04,427 --> 00:10:05,995
I think Roger's too shy to tell her.
308
00:10:06,096 --> 00:10:08,698
That's what he gets for drinking my milk.
309
00:10:11,234 --> 00:10:13,770
Oh, that's awful.
310
00:10:13,870 --> 00:10:16,973
Oh, Rob, it's really tough to be 17 and in love.
311
00:10:17,073 --> 00:10:20,243
I mean, even if it is with a silly little
girl who has a ponytail and braces.
313
00:10:20,343 --> 00:10:21,177
What?
314
00:10:21,277 --> 00:10:22,312
Do you know her?
315
00:10:22,412 --> 00:10:25,181
No, but I'm sure that's his type.
316
00:10:25,281 --> 00:10:26,583
Gee, Rob, I wish you'd talk to him.
317
00:10:26,683 --> 00:10:27,317
Me?
318
00:10:27,417 --> 00:10:28,518
What about?
319
00:10:28,618 --> 00:10:30,186
About how to handle this girl.
320
00:10:30,286 --> 00:10:32,989
I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to handle that girl.
321
00:10:33,089 --> 00:10:34,557
I'm an old married man.
322
00:10:34,657 --> 00:10:39,796
Yeah, but when you were 17, you were known
as Rapid Robert, the devil of Danville High.
324
00:10:39,896 --> 00:10:42,632
That name didn't have anything to do with girls.
325
00:10:42,732 --> 00:10:45,135
Your mother said-- I know.
326
00:10:45,235 --> 00:10:46,770
My mother said that to scare you, and you know it.
327
00:10:46,870 --> 00:10:48,638
She figured you wouldn't want to marry a Casanova.
328
00:10:48,738 --> 00:10:49,839
She didn't like you, you know.
329
00:10:49,939 --> 00:10:52,475
I know it.
330
00:10:52,575 --> 00:10:54,277
So how come they called you Rapid Robert?
331
00:10:54,377 --> 00:10:56,946
Because I was a pitcher, and I had a great fastball.
332
00:10:57,046 --> 00:10:58,047
That's all.
333
00:10:58,148 --> 00:10:59,916
Honey, you married a very shy, retiring guy.
334
00:11:00,016 --> 00:11:00,850
That's all.
335
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:02,218
OK.
336
00:11:02,318 --> 00:11:05,421
Then how come five different girls wore your fraternity pin?
337
00:11:05,522 --> 00:11:07,323
Because none of them wanted it, that's why.
338
00:11:07,424 --> 00:11:09,359
They kept giving it to each other.
339
00:11:09,459 --> 00:11:10,660
It was like a game.
340
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:15,165
The music stopped, and whoever got
Petrie's pin had to go out with him.
342
00:11:15,265 --> 00:11:17,901
All the more reason for you to talk to Roger.
343
00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:21,905
You're both the same-- shy, sensitive, searching for love.
344
00:11:22,005 --> 00:11:23,106
Now wait a minute.
345
00:11:23,206 --> 00:11:25,975
A minute ago you wanted me to talk to
him because I was a high school Casanova.
347
00:11:26,075 --> 00:11:29,179
Now you want me to talk to him because
I'm just as big a klutz as he is.
349
00:11:29,279 --> 00:11:30,847
Oh, I was only teasing.
350
00:11:30,947 --> 00:11:35,752
Rob, I wish you would talk to him, kind of man to
man, maybe you could give him some confidence.
352
00:11:35,852 --> 00:11:37,720
Well, honey, that's not my place to do that.
353
00:11:37,821 --> 00:11:39,322
His own father ought to talk to him.
354
00:11:39,422 --> 00:11:40,790
Oh, I know.
355
00:11:40,890 --> 00:11:42,692
But sometimes it's a lot easier to talk to a stranger.
356
00:11:42,792 --> 00:11:45,295
Why do you want to get involved
in Roger's love affair?
358
00:11:45,395 --> 00:11:46,529
I don't know.
359
00:11:46,629 --> 00:11:48,198
It's just something special about him.
360
00:11:48,298 --> 00:11:50,800
I kind of get the feeling he's reaching out to me.
361
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:51,534
Good.
362
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:52,969
Then you talk to him.
363
00:11:53,069 --> 00:11:53,970
I tried, Rob.
364
00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:54,871
Come on.
365
00:11:54,971 --> 00:11:56,105
Talk to him.
366
00:11:56,206 --> 00:11:57,707
Oh, honey, I wouldn't even know what to say to him.
367
00:11:57,807 --> 00:11:59,275
Oh, you'll think of something.
368
00:11:59,375 --> 00:12:02,378
Anyway, it'll be great practice for you because
before you know it, Ritchie's gonna be coming
370
00:12:02,478 --> 00:12:04,013
home with the same problems.
371
00:12:04,113 --> 00:12:04,981
Yeah.
372
00:12:05,081 --> 00:12:05,715
All right.
373
00:12:05,815 --> 00:12:06,883
I'll talk to Roger.
374
00:12:06,983 --> 00:12:10,587
And then when Ritchie comes to me,
I'll just refer him over to Roger.
376
00:12:10,687 --> 00:12:15,291
Now look, when he's here tomorrow afternoon
working on the car, just give him an opportunity.
378
00:12:15,391 --> 00:12:17,427
He's really dying to talk about it.
379
00:12:17,527 --> 00:12:20,396
Well, I'll try, but I don't think
I'm going to be very much help.
381
00:12:20,497 --> 00:12:21,664
Look.
382
00:12:21,764 --> 00:12:24,934
All he needs is just a little
confidence and maybe a couple of tricks.
384
00:12:25,034 --> 00:12:26,069
Tricks?
385
00:12:26,169 --> 00:12:29,439
Yeah, you know, like the yawn in the movie.
386
00:12:29,539 --> 00:12:30,773
- The yawn in the movie? - You remember?
387
00:12:30,874 --> 00:12:34,043
When you were in the movies with a girl, and
you were too shy to put your arm around her,
389
00:12:34,143 --> 00:12:38,181
so you went [yawns].
390
00:12:38,281 --> 00:12:39,215
My gosh.
391
00:12:39,315 --> 00:12:40,984
I haven't done that in years.
392
00:12:41,084 --> 00:12:42,085
I hope not.
393
00:12:44,621 --> 00:12:47,557
You know, that's only the first ploy, though.
394
00:12:47,657 --> 00:12:54,531
You go [yawns] and then you go [laughs]..
395
00:12:54,631 --> 00:12:55,965
[laughs]
396
00:12:56,065 --> 00:12:59,636
You know many times I left a movie with a dead arm
because once I got it up there, I didn't have
398
00:12:59,736 --> 00:13:01,804
the nerve to take it back down?
399
00:13:01,905 --> 00:13:03,072
Listen, you had it easy.
400
00:13:03,172 --> 00:13:06,042
I used to come home with a soggy sleeve.
401
00:13:06,142 --> 00:13:06,843
All right.
402
00:13:06,943 --> 00:13:08,044
I'll talk to Roger tomorrow.
403
00:13:08,144 --> 00:13:11,547
I'll teach him how to get a dead arm
and how to give a girl a soggy sleeve.
405
00:13:11,648 --> 00:13:13,016
I hope you can.
406
00:13:13,116 --> 00:13:14,117
Yeah, for my sake.
407
00:13:14,217 --> 00:13:15,451
Why for your sake?
408
00:13:15,551 --> 00:13:17,787
Because then he can go to her house and drink her milk.
409
00:13:21,990 --> 00:13:23,692
Really, I can manage alone.
410
00:13:23,792 --> 00:13:26,061
Well, Roge, I'm sorry I'm such a bad mechanic.
411
00:13:26,161 --> 00:13:28,530
I just-- where'd you learn so much about engines?
412
00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:29,598
In school.
413
00:13:29,698 --> 00:13:30,532
You really love them, don't ya?
414
00:13:30,632 --> 00:13:32,067
ROGER: Uh-huh.
415
00:13:32,167 --> 00:13:35,170
Well, I guess a guy knows where he stands with an engine.
416
00:13:35,270 --> 00:13:36,505
Huh?
417
00:13:36,605 --> 00:13:39,775
Well, you know, if you know what you're doing,
then-- then the engine will act accordingly.
419
00:13:39,875 --> 00:13:44,446
A fellow could have a pretty
good relationship with an engine.
421
00:13:44,546 --> 00:13:45,781
Huh?
422
00:13:45,881 --> 00:13:49,418
Well, an engine's, uh, kind of like a woman.
423
00:13:49,518 --> 00:13:50,319
They are?
424
00:13:50,419 --> 00:13:51,386
Sure.
425
00:13:51,486 --> 00:13:52,287
How?
426
00:13:52,387 --> 00:13:56,358
Well, uh-- why-- why do they--
why do they call it a she?
428
00:13:56,458 --> 00:14:01,063
You know, they say she's acting up,
she's running smooth, she blew a gasket.
430
00:14:01,163 --> 00:14:02,531
Everything's she.
431
00:14:02,631 --> 00:14:03,565
I never thought of it.
432
00:14:03,665 --> 00:14:05,434
Why do they call an engine she?
433
00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:08,036
Well, because it's like a woman.
434
00:14:08,136 --> 00:14:09,104
Why?
435
00:14:09,204 --> 00:14:14,142
Well, for one thing, they call it she.
436
00:14:14,242 --> 00:14:17,546
You know, I mean if would sound
kind of silly if they call it a he.
438
00:14:17,646 --> 00:14:20,749
You know, he's acting up,
he blew a gasket, he did this, and he--
440
00:14:20,849 --> 00:14:23,819
well, that doesn't sound too silly, I guess, does it?
441
00:14:23,919 --> 00:14:24,987
Well, let me put it this way.
442
00:14:25,087 --> 00:14:26,688
You take-- take your carburetor.
443
00:14:26,788 --> 00:14:27,990
That's the distributor.
444
00:14:28,090 --> 00:14:30,926
Right, a very important part of the engine.
445
00:14:31,026 --> 00:14:35,664
But the carburetor on a car, Roger,
is kind of like a woman's heart.
447
00:14:35,764 --> 00:14:41,269
It thrives on a mixture of love
and-- and the constant attention.
449
00:14:41,370 --> 00:14:44,239
Mr. Petrie, why are you telling me this?
450
00:14:44,339 --> 00:14:49,011
Well, Roger, frankly, I'm trying
to talk to you about your problem.
452
00:14:49,111 --> 00:14:52,447
[horn honking]
453
00:14:53,515 --> 00:14:54,316
I'm sorry.
454
00:14:54,416 --> 00:14:57,386
[laughs]
455
00:15:01,123 --> 00:15:05,527
Roger, I said I was trying to talk to you about your problem.
456
00:15:05,627 --> 00:15:06,828
My problem?
457
00:15:06,928 --> 00:15:08,530
It's your carburetor that's gummy, not mine.
458
00:15:08,630 --> 00:15:09,898
Well, no, Roger.
459
00:15:09,998 --> 00:15:13,835
See, I was just using the
carburetor as a kind of an example.
461
00:15:13,935 --> 00:15:16,138
See, Mrs. Petrie and I like you quite a lot.
462
00:15:16,238 --> 00:15:19,508
And, frankly, she's a little
worried about your romantic problem.
464
00:15:19,608 --> 00:15:20,475
She is?
465
00:15:20,575 --> 00:15:21,777
What did she say?
466
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:25,013
Well, we'd like to help you get your girl.
467
00:15:25,113 --> 00:15:26,681
I don't think I want to talk about it.
468
00:15:26,782 --> 00:15:27,616
What?
469
00:15:27,716 --> 00:15:29,117
OK.
470
00:15:29,217 --> 00:15:32,721
Uh, do you think we ought to boil
that carburetor out, or what?
472
00:15:32,821 --> 00:15:33,889
What did Mrs. Petrie say?
473
00:15:33,989 --> 00:15:35,490
Well, she says it keeps stalling.
474
00:15:35,590 --> 00:15:36,792
No, I mean about me.
475
00:15:36,892 --> 00:15:38,827
Oh, you want to talk about--
[thunk]-- talk about your girl?
477
00:15:38,927 --> 00:15:40,395
It's not my girlfriend.
478
00:15:40,495 --> 00:15:41,830
She never will be.
479
00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:43,131
She's unattainable.
480
00:15:43,231 --> 00:15:46,401
Oh, Roger, there's no such thing as that.
481
00:15:46,501 --> 00:15:47,469
You take Mrs. Petrie.
482
00:15:47,569 --> 00:15:49,004
What?
483
00:15:49,104 --> 00:15:51,940
Well, when-- when we first met, she couldn't stand me.
484
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,475
Everybody thought I was crazy.
485
00:15:53,575 --> 00:15:56,645
But I decided I wanted that girl.
486
00:15:56,745 --> 00:15:57,612
What did you do?
487
00:15:57,712 --> 00:15:58,947
Oh gosh.
488
00:15:59,047 --> 00:16:01,850
I wrote her poems, and I called her on the phone.
489
00:16:01,950 --> 00:16:06,188
You know, it embarrassed me and everything, but
at least I let her know how I felt about her.
491
00:16:06,288 --> 00:16:07,722
And I think that's what you have to do.
492
00:16:07,823 --> 00:16:09,124
- I do? - Yeah.
493
00:16:09,224 --> 00:16:13,395
You know, and even if it doesn't work out,
you'll feel better because you tried it.
495
00:16:13,495 --> 00:16:15,730
Would you promise me to do that?
496
00:16:15,831 --> 00:16:17,699
Mr. Petrie, this is crazy.
497
00:16:17,799 --> 00:16:19,267
Well, no, it isn't, Roge.
498
00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:25,140
You know, walking around with an unexpressed love
inside of is like playing a symphony out in the desert.
500
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,309
It's beautiful, but who hears it?
501
00:16:27,409 --> 00:16:28,677
Right.
502
00:16:28,777 --> 00:16:31,079
Do you really love her?
503
00:16:31,179 --> 00:16:32,280
Boy, do I.
504
00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:36,284
Well, then Roger, I think it's your
responsibility to-- to let her know it.
506
00:16:36,384 --> 00:16:37,185
It is?
507
00:16:37,285 --> 00:16:38,286
Well, sure.
508
00:16:38,386 --> 00:16:40,088
People who are loved should always know it.
509
00:16:40,188 --> 00:16:43,792
Never-- never withhold an expression of love, Roge.
510
00:16:43,892 --> 00:16:45,694
But I could never tell her.
511
00:16:45,794 --> 00:16:47,095
All right then, write it down.
512
00:16:47,195 --> 00:16:48,563
Look, Keats did it, Shelley did it.
513
00:16:48,663 --> 00:16:50,298
Why not McChesney? - McChesney.
514
00:16:50,398 --> 00:16:50,999
McChesney.
515
00:16:51,099 --> 00:16:52,434
Write her a letter.
516
00:16:52,534 --> 00:16:53,401
Maybe I could.
517
00:16:53,502 --> 00:16:54,736
Good boy.
518
00:16:54,836 --> 00:16:56,271
Look, if-- if you want, I'll help you with it.
519
00:16:56,371 --> 00:16:59,975
Mr. Petrie, remember, it was your idea.
520
00:17:00,075 --> 00:17:03,945
Listen, if you want it punched up,
just bring it over when you're finished.
522
00:17:04,045 --> 00:17:08,283
[laughs] Petrie, you're a spellbinder is what you are.
523
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:12,854
I wonder what that is.
524
00:17:17,926 --> 00:17:19,628
Bye, Mom.
525
00:17:19,728 --> 00:17:20,829
Bye, Mom.
526
00:17:22,831 --> 00:17:23,632
Bye, Dad.
527
00:17:23,732 --> 00:17:26,368
Goodbye, Ritch.
528
00:17:26,468 --> 00:17:29,504
Ritchie, aren't you gonna say goodbye?
529
00:17:29,604 --> 00:17:30,505
Bye, Mom.
530
00:17:34,109 --> 00:17:38,046
Well, darling, you and I are really to be congratulated.
531
00:17:38,146 --> 00:17:39,281
Yeah?
532
00:17:39,381 --> 00:17:43,485
I asked you to try to bring Roger out
of himself, and you did a beautiful job.
534
00:17:43,585 --> 00:17:44,419
I did?
535
00:17:44,519 --> 00:17:45,620
LAURA: Mm-hmm.
536
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,023
I guess you suggested that he
write a letter to his lady friend.
538
00:17:48,123 --> 00:17:49,057
Yeah, and I said to send it over and punch it up.
539
00:17:49,157 --> 00:17:49,891
Is that it? - This is it.
540
00:17:49,991 --> 00:17:50,825
ROB: Read it to me.
541
00:17:50,926 --> 00:17:52,227
Brace yourself.
542
00:17:52,327 --> 00:17:56,631
To Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Aphrodite, Juliet.
543
00:17:56,731 --> 00:17:59,167
That must be some girl.
544
00:17:59,267 --> 00:18:03,705
You are the personification of all the
beauty, grace, and mystery that is woman.
546
00:18:03,805 --> 00:18:05,273
Good, good.
547
00:18:05,373 --> 00:18:10,145
To say I love you would be a disservice
to you and a lie, for truly I worship you.
549
00:18:10,245 --> 00:18:14,382
No mundane love could compare with
the exalted feeling I have for you.
551
00:18:14,482 --> 00:18:15,517
Go, Roger.
552
00:18:15,617 --> 00:18:16,418
Oh, yes.
553
00:18:16,518 --> 00:18:18,186
He goes, all right.
554
00:18:18,286 --> 00:18:21,823
I have lived with these feelings like a tiger stalking within me
555
00:18:21,923 --> 00:18:27,195
but have never expressed them, even to myself,
since I know the foolishness of my plight.
557
00:18:27,295 --> 00:18:29,064
Boy, he's got that girl wrapped up.
558
00:18:29,164 --> 00:18:34,169
But still knowing that I may only worship you
from afar, I have at last found the voice that
560
00:18:34,269 --> 00:18:37,439
will rid me of my internal emotional devils.
561
00:18:37,539 --> 00:18:40,375
As Mr. Petrie said-- Oh,
what did he mention me for?
563
00:18:40,475 --> 00:18:43,612
--as Mr. Petrie said, walking around with an unexpressed
564
00:18:43,712 --> 00:18:47,916
love is like playing a symphony in the middle of the desert.
565
00:18:48,016 --> 00:18:49,284
Did you say that?
566
00:18:49,384 --> 00:18:51,119
Well, yeah, but he shouldn't mention my name.
567
00:18:51,219 --> 00:18:55,323
He should have put it, like, in the words
of the poet, so make a note of that.
569
00:18:55,423 --> 00:18:56,524
Make a note?
570
00:18:56,625 --> 00:18:58,126
Yeah, we make our corrections, and he'll send it.
571
00:18:58,226 --> 00:18:59,895
Darling, he already sent it.
572
00:18:59,995 --> 00:19:01,263
Huh?
573
00:19:01,363 --> 00:19:03,265
(READING) Mrs. Laura Petrie, strictly personal.
574
00:19:09,204 --> 00:19:13,041
[sighs] Rob, what are we gonna do?
575
00:19:13,141 --> 00:19:17,612
Before I make any suggestions, how do you feel about him?
576
00:19:23,018 --> 00:19:24,386
What is there to think about?
577
00:19:24,486 --> 00:19:26,054
Oh, come on.
578
00:19:26,154 --> 00:19:27,656
Oh, boy, what a letter.
579
00:19:27,756 --> 00:19:29,324
Rob, there's more.
580
00:19:29,424 --> 00:19:31,092
Huh?
581
00:19:31,192 --> 00:19:35,163
(READING) Playing a symphony-- middle of the
desert-- now that I have sounded the last note,
583
00:19:35,263 --> 00:19:39,601
I hope it will linger forever as a tribute
to Laura Petrie, the fairest of women.
585
00:19:39,701 --> 00:19:45,140
She walks with grace, in beauty, and has
a youth and spirit that belies her years.
587
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,741
Do you have to read it with so much feeling?
588
00:19:46,841 --> 00:19:47,842
I mean, could you just, you know.
589
00:19:47,942 --> 00:19:49,411
ROB: Oh, I'm sorry.
590
00:19:49,511 --> 00:19:51,880
(READING) Now that I've spoken, I will say goodbye.
591
00:19:51,980 --> 00:19:56,017
My cause is totally fruital.
592
00:19:56,117 --> 00:19:58,119
I am leaving-- I
am leaving town?
593
00:19:58,219 --> 00:19:59,754
That's the part I'm worried about.
594
00:19:59,854 --> 00:20:04,059
(READING) But wherever I go, I shall always be your
admiring servant and friend, Roger Andrew McChesney.
597
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:07,362
P.S. Say goodbye to Ritchie, and tell
Mr. Petrie he's the luckiest man in the world.
599
00:20:07,462 --> 00:20:10,198
Well, we have really done it.
600
00:20:10,298 --> 00:20:11,866
Rob, do you think he's gonna leave town?
601
00:20:11,966 --> 00:20:14,336
Well, honey, who knows what a kid like that's going to do.
602
00:20:14,436 --> 00:20:16,738
He's liable to just quit school and go.
603
00:20:16,838 --> 00:20:18,373
Why did we do this?
604
00:20:18,473 --> 00:20:22,344
Will you promise me never, ever to
talk me into talking to anybody again?
606
00:20:22,444 --> 00:20:23,178
I do.
607
00:20:23,278 --> 00:20:24,679
Now you promise me something.
608
00:20:24,779 --> 00:20:25,580
What?
609
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:26,548
You'll talk to Roger.
610
00:20:26,648 --> 00:20:27,649
Honey!
611
00:20:27,749 --> 00:20:29,050
You've got to.
612
00:20:29,150 --> 00:20:32,654
You've got to make him see the writing
that letter is nothing to be ashamed of.
614
00:20:32,754 --> 00:20:34,089
Yeah, you're right.
615
00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:37,792
[sighs] Do you have any idea what you'll say to him?
616
00:20:37,892 --> 00:20:39,327
No.
617
00:20:39,427 --> 00:20:41,029
But whatever it is, he's gonna know I'm a comedy writer.
618
00:20:41,129 --> 00:20:42,330
LAURA: What do you mean?
619
00:20:42,430 --> 00:20:44,199
Well, I'm bound to make a fool of myself.
620
00:20:52,607 --> 00:20:53,775
(WHISPERS) Roger.
621
00:20:53,875 --> 00:20:55,076
- Mr. Petrie! - Shh.
622
00:20:55,176 --> 00:20:56,411
This is a library.
623
00:20:56,511 --> 00:20:57,278
Wait a second.
624
00:20:57,379 --> 00:20:58,847
Um, you told me to do it.
625
00:20:58,947 --> 00:21:00,982
I didn't want to do it. Roger,
let's-- MAN: Shh. - --let's go outside.
627
00:21:01,082 --> 00:21:03,351
I'm half your size!
628
00:21:03,451 --> 00:21:05,520
Shh.
629
00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:06,521
How'd you find me?
630
00:21:06,621 --> 00:21:08,189
Your mother told me where you were.
631
00:21:08,289 --> 00:21:10,125
Oh, my own mother.
632
00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:12,193
Look, Roger, I just want to talk to you.
633
00:21:12,293 --> 00:21:15,830
Look, I'm sorry I wrote it, but I'm glad I wrote it.
634
00:21:15,930 --> 00:21:18,066
But you don't have to worry 'cause I'm leaving town.
635
00:21:18,166 --> 00:21:19,134
Look, Roger, I am not worried.
636
00:21:19,234 --> 00:21:20,402
You don't have to leave town.
637
00:21:20,502 --> 00:21:21,202
Yes, I do.
638
00:21:21,302 --> 00:21:22,604
No, you don't have to.
639
00:21:22,704 --> 00:21:23,938
We're not angry, Roger.
640
00:21:24,038 --> 00:21:25,540
Then I'll bet you had a good laugh.
641
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:26,641
We did not laugh!
642
00:21:26,741 --> 00:21:27,542
Will you shh?
643
00:21:27,642 --> 00:21:29,077
Oh, I'm sorry.
644
00:21:29,177 --> 00:21:31,012
Roger, look, can we go outside?
645
00:21:31,112 --> 00:21:31,980
No.
646
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,715
I like it better in here.
647
00:21:33,815 --> 00:21:38,586
Look, Roger, I went through exactly
the same thing with Mrs. Mazzarelli.
649
00:21:38,686 --> 00:21:39,387
Who?
650
00:21:39,487 --> 00:21:41,523
My social studies teacher.
651
00:21:41,623 --> 00:21:45,293
Every guy falls in love with an
older woman at sometime in his life.
653
00:21:45,393 --> 00:21:46,027
Yeah?
654
00:21:46,127 --> 00:21:47,195
ROB: Yeah.
655
00:21:47,295 --> 00:21:49,798
It's kind of a part of growing up.
656
00:21:49,898 --> 00:21:54,235
You find some older woman who represents
your ideal of what a woman should be.
658
00:21:54,335 --> 00:21:55,403
And you picked Laura.
659
00:21:55,503 --> 00:21:57,405
And wonderful choice, I might add.
660
00:21:57,505 --> 00:22:01,876
The thing is it's an honor and a
tribute, Roge, that you love my wife.
662
00:22:01,976 --> 00:22:03,878
[book slams]
663
00:22:07,148 --> 00:22:10,218
Then you know I didn't mean--
Oh, of course.
665
00:22:10,318 --> 00:22:13,221
Look, I never thought there would be
anybody but Mrs. Mazzarelli in my life.
667
00:22:13,321 --> 00:22:14,823
And look what I ended up with-- Laura.
668
00:22:14,923 --> 00:22:15,790
Yeah.
669
00:22:15,890 --> 00:22:18,059
And look,
you-- you started with Laura.
670
00:22:18,159 --> 00:22:19,427
Can you think what you're gonna end up with?
671
00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:20,161
Wow.
672
00:22:20,261 --> 00:22:22,397
That's right, buddy.
673
00:22:22,497 --> 00:22:23,698
Then you're really not mad?
674
00:22:23,798 --> 00:22:24,933
Oh, of course not.
675
00:22:25,033 --> 00:22:28,903
Look, we want you to come to the house
again and help Ritch and drink all the milk
677
00:22:29,003 --> 00:22:29,871
you want, just like before.
678
00:22:29,971 --> 00:22:31,739
I can't I'm leaving town.
679
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:32,841
Oh, gosh darn it, Roger.
680
00:22:32,941 --> 00:22:33,775
I told you.
681
00:22:33,875 --> 00:22:34,876
We're not mad.
682
00:22:34,976 --> 00:22:35,810
MAN: Shh!
683
00:22:35,910 --> 00:22:36,845
We're not!
684
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:42,717
You're probably a little embarrassed about
it, as anybody would be, but you certainly
686
00:22:42,817 --> 00:22:44,052
don't have to leave town.
687
00:22:44,152 --> 00:22:46,087
I do.
688
00:22:46,187 --> 00:22:49,624
Look, Roger, I don't know what kind of movies you've
seen about the Foreign Legion and running away
690
00:22:49,724 --> 00:22:50,959
and everything.
691
00:22:51,059 --> 00:22:53,161
But take it from me, running away never solved anything.
692
00:22:53,261 --> 00:22:54,462
But I'm not running away.
693
00:22:54,562 --> 00:22:56,698
Well they, why are you going to leave town?
694
00:22:56,798 --> 00:22:57,999
To be with my parents.
695
00:22:58,099 --> 00:22:59,767
My dad's been transferred to Detroit.
696
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:06,474
Have a good trip.
697
00:23:06,574 --> 00:23:07,375
Write.
698
00:23:07,475 --> 00:23:08,109
Sure.
699
00:23:08,209 --> 00:23:09,077
[chair scrapes]
700
00:23:09,177 --> 00:23:10,311
Shh!
701
00:23:15,316 --> 00:23:19,754
LAURA: (READING) And I won the 100-yard dash and
running broad jump in the Michigan High School finals.
703
00:23:19,854 --> 00:23:21,823
The gold medals are really beautiful.
704
00:23:21,923 --> 00:23:25,226
Oh, I guess he finally found the deeper meaning to track.
705
00:23:25,326 --> 00:23:27,395
I'm also getting straight As in English.
706
00:23:27,495 --> 00:23:30,164
I have the greatest teacher, Miss Bronson.
707
00:23:30,265 --> 00:23:34,769
She makes 17th century metaphysical
poetry a beautiful experience.
709
00:23:34,869 --> 00:23:36,170
You know, honey, I think he's trying to tell you something.
710
00:23:36,271 --> 00:23:37,238
You've been replaced.
711
00:23:37,338 --> 00:23:38,573
Oh, yeah?
712
00:23:38,673 --> 00:23:45,146
(READING) Miss Bronson, although she is over
60, can really communicate with teenagers.
714
00:23:45,246 --> 00:23:46,581
Still think I've been replaced?
715
00:23:46,681 --> 00:23:47,348
Well, yeah.
716
00:23:47,448 --> 00:23:48,650
The kid likes older women.
717
00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:50,752
He finally found one even older than you are.
718
00:23:50,852 --> 00:23:52,687
[laughs]
719
00:23:53,755 --> 00:23:54,589
What's that?
720
00:23:54,689 --> 00:23:55,590
That's goodbye.
721
00:24:00,995 --> 00:24:02,263
It's that easy.
722
00:24:05,867 --> 00:24:07,135
Well, aren't you going to call me?
723
00:24:07,235 --> 00:24:08,469
Oh, you came back.
724
00:24:19,814 --> 00:24:24,619
[theme music]
46073
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