All language subtitles for two.and.a.half.men.s03e09.hdtv.xvid-xor.vo

Jake

Yeah?

Are you praying?

It's okay, I'm not in school.

No, no, it's fine.
What are you praying for?

I have a math test on Monday.

Oh, so you're praying
for a good grade?

No, that never works.

I'm praying for the teacher
to get sick.

Have you considered
just studying for the test?

How would that help?

Okay, listen to me.

Even if we were to assume

a God who would be willing
to give your teacher a cold...

Anthrax.

All right, that's it,
no more praying.

What are you, the Supreme Court?

How do you know about
the Supreme Court and prayer?

This guy on TV, Reverend Don,
he talks to God.

And he said you should pray
to strike down your teacher?

No, activist judges.

But I figured why can't it work
on Miss Stanley?

Oh, and you know what else?

If I send Reverend Don money,
God will make me rich.

And did you send him money?

Wouldn't you?

No...
God doesn't make people rich.

And even if He did,
it wouldn't make you happy.

Well, I disagree.

Jake.

Reward without effort
is meaningless.

Money alone will not
give you fulfillment.

What about Uncle Charlie?

He seems pretty fulfilled
and he doesn't do anything.

Hey, let me tell you
about your Uncle Charlie.

He puts on a happy face,

but on the inside he
is a sad, lonely man.

You see?

Episode 3x08
Madame And Her Special Friend

Transcript : Cfsmp3

Synchro : Relaxx

Corrections : Bouliii / nColas

I'm about to do
a load of laundry.

Last chance
to change your underwear.

I'm good.

Oh, uh, but you might want to hold off
on the washing machine.

I think Charlie and his friend
are still in the shower.

I'll check.

You were right.

I wouldn't wait for me
to get that.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Uh, we haven't met.

I'm Norma Seabury
from next door.

Oh, it's nice to finally meet you.
I'm Alan Harper.

Harper?

Are you related
to that dreadful Charlie?

My mother says I am,
but frankly,

I have my doubts
I'm related to her.

Well, Alan, there's a little red
sports car blocking my driveway.

I assume it belongs to one
of your brother's hooers.

One of his what?

Hooers.

Ever since he moved in here,

it's been one endless parade
of hooers.

Oh, whores.

Well, in all fairness,

most of them don't have the
math skills to be whores.

Be that as it may,

I'm late for my hair appointment,
and I want that car moved immediately.

Oh, absolutely. I am so sorry.
Let me track down the...

hooer in question

and ask her to move it.

Thank you.

God bless you.

He'd better,
I sent in five bucks.

Charlie, we have a situation.

Okay, that looks pretty clean.

Now do me.

This is so unfair.

Excuse me?

Not now, Alan,
I'm making bubbles.

I don't care what her name is,

her car is blocking
our neighbor's driveway.

Oh, sorry, I'll move it.

You can't go now, you're busy.

Oh, yeah. I'm busy.

All right, just-just tell me
where the keys are, and I'll move it.

Oh, gosh, no.

I don't let strange men
touch my car.

Oh, good. At least you have
respect for your car.

Alan, do we need to have another
boundaries talk?

No, I'm leaving.

Uh-oh, look what's dirty again.

Uh-oh!

Okay...

I have located the owner of the sports car.

Is she going to pull it out?

Not for a while.

Well, how am I supposed
to get to my hair appointment?

Gee, I'd say you
really don't need one.

I think your hair
looks lovely as it is.

Well, aren't you sweet.

Are you homosexual?

No, just sweet.

Listen, you don't have to
miss your appointment.

I'll drive you.

You would do that for me?

It would be my pleasure.

Sure you're not homosexual?

Positive.

You would've made a good one.

Going home already?

Nah, I'm going to the opera.

They can't end it until I sing.

There's no call for sarcasm.

Oh, no.

What's up?

What is that old witch
doing here?

Old witch?

She's a charming woman.

Of course she's charming.
They're all charming.

That's how they lure you into their houses
made out of candy and gingerbread.

What exactly is the
deal between you two?

Why do you hate her so much?

Why don't you ask her
why she hates me?

I did. She told me
you're a horrible neighbor

who doesn't care about anyone
but himself.

Well, there you go.

How can I like somebody
who talks about me like that?

Hello, Mr. Harper.

Hey, Norma.

Eat any little kids lately?

I could ask you the same thing.

Oh, and by the way,

will she be moving her car out
of my driveway any time soon?

Well, maybe people wouldn't
park in front of your driveway

if you didn't put your trash
cans in my guest parking spot.

You don't have
a guest parking spot.

There's no such thing
as a guest parking spot.

It's called a curb and it
belongs to the City of Malibu.

Hey, if I can pass out on it,
I figure it's mine.

Well, with that logic, I...
I guess you own my doghouse too.

That only happened once
and Bruno was fine with it.

Alan,

thank you so much
for a wonderful day.

I'm looking forward
to next Saturday.

Oh, me, too.

And as for you,
Mr. Harper,

Bruno never had fleas
before that night.

You passed out in her doghouse?

Hey, I've passed out
in wheelbarrows,

but this isn't about me.

Oh, really? Who is it about?

You.

Why are you dating a woman

who most likely lost her
virginity during World War II?

And knowing her,
probably not to one of our guys.

Okay, first of all,
we're not dating,

I am escorting her
to a charity event.

And second of all,
her age is irrelevant.

The only thing that matters
is what's inside a person.

Yeah, well, the only thing
inside her

is dust and
undigested mastodon meat.

She isn't that old, Charlie.

Oh, come on, I'll bet
she was an eyewitness

to the birth of agriculture.

Stop it.

Her high school graduation picture's
probably on a cave wall in France.

Are you done?

Her prom theme was "Fire."

Charlie, I can't figure out
how to turn off the shower.

There's so many knobs.

That's okay, honey.

You just dry off,
and I'll take care of it.

Thanks.

How does it feel to
be dating a woman

whose IQ is the
same as her age?

I can ask you the same thing.

Oh, here's something else
we have in common.

Both our girls are pruney,

but mine's gonna plump back up
in a little while.

Well, thank you
for a lovely evening.

Oh, no, thank you
for taking me.

I so loathe going to
these things by myself.

And dancing.

I can't remember the
last time I danced.

That was fun.

One more spin?

Okay, sure.

Oh, thank you

for being so kind
to a lonely old gal.

Stop saying that.
You are not old.

You're a vibrant,
fascinating woman,

and I had a great time
with you tonight.

Oh, likewise.

Alan, I want you to give some
serious thought to my offer.

I will. I will.

Okay, so, uh, so good night.

Good night.

Oh, all right.

Morning.

Who sent the flowers?

I'll give you a hint.

Wait 'til you see the card.

You read the card?

I couldn't. It's in Aramaic.

Okay, I get it. She's old.

It was delivered
by a Roman centurion.

Oh, geez.
I've got a problem.

Hey, if you
got her pregnant,

we can get a full page
in Ripley's.

Give it a rest, Charlie.

Oh, come on, I've been
working on these all morning.

Listen to this.

Her first car was a chariot.

She called her first husband
"hun" 'cause he was one.

Her first Christmas

was the first Christmas.

Likes to take long
walks on the beach

after crawling out of
the ocean and growing legs.

Her birthstone is lava.

And finally, the Big Bang.

I don't have a joke for that
but I know there's something there.

I'm leaving.

Oh, come on, I'm your brother.

You can talk to me.

Okay, I promise,
no more jokes.

Tell me what the problem is.

Okay. Well.

You know she's rich, right?

Richer than God.

Who she's known since he was yay high.

You promised.

Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

Well, last night, Norma made me
a business proposition.

A business proposition?
I bet it involved...

No! ! No!

No telegraphs,
no flying machines,

no Nina, no Pinta,
no Santa Maria!

You don't have
to bite my head off.

I was talking about
what I do for a living,

and she said she wanted
to invest. In me..

Invest in you? How?

She wants to buy a building

and create the Alan Harper Healing Center.

Uh, chiropractic, acupuncture,

uh, holistic pharmacy,
aroma therapy...

Why don't you just call it
the Alan Harper House o' Crap?

Norma chose the name.

I see.

And in exchange for this
she expects you to...

Nothing has been said
explicitly, but... yeah.

And you're considering it?

No. No, of course not.

Not really.

Not really?

Well, the building would be
in Beverly Hills

and it would have
my name on the top.

Big letters, but, you know,
with a real classy font.

I'm thinking Helvetica.

Okay, I see your dilemma.

We gotta think this through.

Thanks, thanks.
I really need to.

You'd do her for free if she was
young and beautiful, right?

Well, sure, I suppose.

And you'd stick your dingus
in a beehive for, say,

a hundred million,
wouldn't you?

A hundred million dollars?

Probably.

But where are we going with this?

Well, we've established
that you're a man whore,

and now we're just trying
to zero in on your price.

Charlie, you're not
helping at all.

Alan, did you really
think I would?

Good to see you again,
Ms. Seabury.

Thank you, Bobby.

My pleasure.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Get away, Bobby.

So, Alan...

have you given any more thought
to my little business proposal?

Well, actually,
I have and, uh...

Oh, wait, I forgot.

I brought you a little gifty.

Oh, no, Norma, please,
you've been too kind already.

Oh, my God, a Rolex.

A platinum Rolex.

A platinum Rolex.

I have always wanted
a platinum Rolex.

I almost bought one for
myself, but silly me,

I got health insurance
for my family instead.

Let me put it on you.

Okay. Ooh.

It's a lot heavier
than my calculator Swatch.

I'm glad you like it.

Champagne for madame
and her... special friend.

Hey, Bobby, look.

Very nice, sir.

Oh...

This is too much.

I-I-I-I can't accept this.

Oh, I think you can.

Yeah, I probably can.

A toast.

To the Alan Harper Healing Center.

Okay.

And to us.

Uh...

to us as business partners
and friends, right?

Wrong.

Oh.

Alan?

What?

I've proposed a toast.

Oh, yes. I'm sorry.

This is all happening so fast.

Yes, well, the heart wants
what the heart wants.

The question is, Alan...

what do you want?

Hurry up, sugar-buns.

I'm not getting any younger.

Charlie... wake up.

What?

What's wrong?

I had sex with Norma.

What?

I gave in. I folded.

I let her have her way with me.

How was it?

Actually, it was great.

She...

knew stuff.

Is that a Rolex?

Yeah. Platinum.

Nice.

And you're gonna get
a building in Beverly Hills.

Not bad
for a night's work.

Well, actually, I don't think I'm

gonna be getting the building.

She reneged?

She...

died.

You're kidding.

After we were done,
she looked at me,

mumbled a couple of words,

closed her eyes and then... poof.

Dead.

That's it.

I knew there was
a Big Bang joke.

I mean, I'm sorry.

I just can't believe it.

Me neither.

After all those years
of making me miserable,

she's actually gone.

It's weird,
I feel a little sad.

Imagine how I feel.

Yeah, you killed her.

So what did she mumble
before she, you know...?

Well, I'm not sure,

but I think she said...

"I want my watch back."

Hey, I tried my best
to keep up with her.

Anyway, I've been up
half the night

with the police
and the coroners.

You have no idea how
judgmental those people are.

You can't worry about what
anyone else thinks, Alan.

The thing you got to remember
and keep close to your heart is...

I get an extra parking space
and you get to keep the watch.

Enjoy it, buddy.

How can I enjoy it?

Same way I enjoy that
grand piano downstairs.

What does the piano
have any...?

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that you
slept with Norma?

Hey, I needed a piano.

So... so if you slept
with Norma,

why did she hate you so much?

Probably because
I only needed one piano.

You're right, though.

She did know stuff.

Hey, can you put on
channel 84?

I want to watch Reverend Don.

Well, I want to watch football.

It's the Lord's day.

Ye, but it's my TV.

Who'd you bet on?

Packers, minus one
and a half.

If the Vikings don't score in the
next two minutes, I'm up a grand.

Ok.

What are you doing?

Praying for the Vikings
to score.

Don't do that.
Are you crazy?

Change the channel
to Reverend Don.

No!

Then you leave me no choice.

Okay, you want to play
that way? Fine.

It won't work.

God answers kids' prayers first.

Who told you that?

Nobody. It just makes sense.

Oh, God oh, God...

Too little, too late.

Here comes the Vikings kicking
unit out onto the field.

Okay, tell you what.

Pray for my side, I'll give you a piece of my winnings.

How much?
Five percent.

No deal.

Edinger has yet to miss from this distance.

- Okay, ten.
- Twenty.

Twenty?

And the snap...
-Deal.

The kick is up. It's good!

Oh, no!

Don't blame me.
You're a sinner.

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