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[theme song]
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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hurry up, Laura.
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I'm the carpool chauffeur, and I got
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to get started in 5 minutes.
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LAURA: I'll be out in a second.
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Well, what is it you want to show me?
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LAURA: Millie, be patient.
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Well, can I come in?
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LAURA: No!
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I'll be right out.
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OK, but last time I was late, and a lot of the kids
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walked home from school in the rain.
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Their mothers were so mad at me.
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I don't want to be late again.
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LAURA: I'm coming.
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Well, hurry up because it looks like it might rain.
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Oh, my!
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Oh!
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What do you think?
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Oh, it is just beautiful.
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Laura, that is the most beautiful outfit I have ever--
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it is just beautiful.
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Beautiful!
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You really like it?
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MILLIE: Oh, it is just beautiful.
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You don't think it's too much?
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Whatever you paid for it, it's worth it.
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No, no, I mean, I'm not overdressed?
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Overdressed?
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It is just beautiful.
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Could I wear it for any occasion?
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Well, I wouldn't wear it to the beach.
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Oh, Millie.
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Or the gym.
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Oh, come on.
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No, I mean could I wear it to, oh, say matinee or a luncheon
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or an informal wedding?
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Oh, yes, why?
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You have a special affair coming up soon?
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Yeah, I'd say it was a very special affair.
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Well, what is it?
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I don't think I can tell you, Mill.
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Me?
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You can't tell me?
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No, I'm afraid not.
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Laura, it's me, your neighbor, closemouthed Millie.
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I'm the person you can-- you can tell anything to.
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Not this though.
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Laura, I'm the one you told about the Frenchman who
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fell in love with you, and gave you a lump of sugar,
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and said you were a million times sweeter than it.
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I wish I could tell you, Millie.
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Well, you know what they say?
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Wishing makes it so, so tell me.
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Millie, you're going to be late,
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and it does look like rain.
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Who cares?
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What's the occasion?
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The children will get wet.
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Let them.
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It'll toughen them up.
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Millie, Ritchie, just got over a cold.
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Good.
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If you really care about your son's health,
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you'd better tell me.
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I can't.
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Why not?
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Because I don't want anyone to know.
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Well, Rob and I swore to each other that we wouldn't tell.
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we'll if I guess, will you tell me?
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Well, Rob and I swore.
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Well, was it one of the three things you mentioned?
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Which three?
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A luncheon, a theater matinee, or an informal wedding.
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Yes, and that's all I'm saying.
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A matinee or a luncheon?
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No.
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It's a wedding!
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Who's getting married?
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Millie, Ritchie's going to catch cold.
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I'll pay for his flu shot.
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Oh, Millie.
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Uh, Sally.
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Sally found a fellow, and she's going to elope,
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and you and Rob are going to stand up for her.
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That's it, huh? - No.
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Now look, if you're not going to pick up those children,
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then I'm just going to have to.
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OK, I'll go but you're mean.
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I'm not going to tell you another thing I swore not to.
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From now on, I'm telling all my secrets to Sadie Stein.
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Oh, Millie, I wish I could tell you.
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I really do.
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Well, then tell me.
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I've never seen you so jumpy.
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You'd think it was your own wedding.
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- Why'd you say that? - What?
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What?
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Your-- your own wedding?
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Millie, if I tell you, will you swear not to tell anyone?
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Not Jerry, not anyone.
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Oh, they can pull out my fingernails,
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and drop water on my head.
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Who's getting married?
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Because Millie, if you ever told,
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you would cause a great deal of embarrassment
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and I don't know what all to many people.
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They can stretch me on a rack, and tickle
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my feet with feathers.
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Who's getting married?
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Rob and I.
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Rob and you!
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Ssh.
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And remember, you swore not a soul.
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Of course, I didn't really tell you anyway.
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You guessed it. right. Millie.
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I was just kidding.
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You guessed it!
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All right, all right.
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I guessed it.
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All right.
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Listen, I may be crazy, but it seems to me you and Rob
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have been married for years.
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Not legally.
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Since when?
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Since always.
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Come on, I'll go to school with you,
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and tell you about it in the car.
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But I don't understand.
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In the car.
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Well, OK, but you better drive.
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You got me so nervous I'd probably kill us both.
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Now remember, you must never.
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I know, I know.
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You and Rob swore, and I guessed.
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Right.
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Now what is it?
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I lied about my age on my marriage certificate.
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What?
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I lied about my age on my marriage certificate.
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How old are you anyway?
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[music playing]
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Believe me, you guys, I'd like to tell you, but I just can't.
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Have something to do with the show?
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Please, Buddy.
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Oh, it has to do with the show.
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I can't say.
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Well, if you can't say, it must have
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something to do with your show.
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No, I can't say because if I say it has nothing
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to do with the show, then you're going
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to keep right on guessing.
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And if you hit it, I'm going to have to lie to you,
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and I hate to lie because I giggle, and then you'll know.
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Know what?
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Please, Buddy, come on.
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Let's get to work.
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I'm not going to tell you, and that's final.
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Hey, Rob, you know, you really want to tell us.
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Yeah, you sure do.
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How do you figure that?
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Ha, we know you pretty good.
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And any time that--
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Sally, tell them how we figured out.
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Well, first of all, if you didn't really want us to know,
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you'd have taken the morning off,
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and never told us your planned to.
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You'd said you had a dental appointment
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or that you were taking a dancing lesson.
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Or a taxidermy lesson.
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Taxidermy lesson.
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Sure.
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You never know when you might want to stuff an owl.
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Sure you do.
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Hey, Rob, you know you're dying to tell us,
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and you're dying for us to bother you to tell us.
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Am I right? - Right.
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Right.
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Because you see-- I am?
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Yes, I'm afraid I can't fight the truth.
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Then you're going to tell us?
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No, I'm not.
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Look, I guess I should have mentioned it earlier,
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but Laura and I promised each other we wouldn't tell anybody.
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Oh, well, why didn't you say so Rob?
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I'm sorry.
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Subject is closed, Buddy.
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OK.
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Very good.
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Now let's get down to work.
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Where were we?
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Well, if it had nothing to do with your show,
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and it's very person--
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Buddy!
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How about if Alan comes out dressed as a Cockney chimney
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sweep, but he's getting so fat he can't get down the chimney?
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Rob?
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Hey, and speaking of fat chimneys.
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Rob, may I disturb you for a minute?
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A minute with you disturbs me for a month.
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[clicking]
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What was that?
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A clicker.
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My therapist suggested it to relieve my inner tensions
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brought on by hostile insects.
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You ever try rubbing your hind legs together?
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[clicking]
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Rob, Alan asked me to tell you that the staff meeting
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tomorrow will be held in the morning
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rather than the afternoon.
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Remind me?
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This is the first I've heard of it.
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Oh, well, then instead of going to your office
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just come to his.
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Well, I hadn't planned on coming
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in tomorrow morning, Mel.
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Oh, you mean this week's show is all written?
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well, No we were planning on working
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late tonight if we had to.
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Mel can't Buddy and I go to the meeting for Rob?
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Now Sally, you know Alan insists
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that the heads of his creative staff be at all those meetings.
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How come he lets you in?
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Your head isn't creative enough to grow hair.
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[clicking]
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Rob, what should I tell Alan?
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I mean, if you've got a good reason--
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I've got a good reason, Mel, but I
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can't tell you what it is.
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I'll be in tomorrow afternoon.
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All right, but you better have a good excuse even
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if you have to make one up.
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If you want me, you'll know where to find me.
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Oh you're going back to that rock?
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[clicking]
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Rob, I'm leaving Alan to you.
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I'm leaving that to the Smithsonian.
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I don't care what you leave, just leave.
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[clicking rapidly]
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Hey, either he's getting rid of a whole lot of hostility
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or he just discovered uranium.
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Hey, Rob, look if you're not going to tell us what you're
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going to do tomorrow, tell us anything
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even if you have to lie.
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All right, I'll tell you the truth,
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but I just told both of you aren't hurt
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because you weren't invited. - What?
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Where?
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Invited to what?
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Well, tomorrow morning Laura and I
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are going to get all dressed up, and we're going
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to drive up to the Bronx Zoo.
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The Bronx Zoo?
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Yeah, they've-- they've got a 40 foot boa constrictor wrapped
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around a telephone pole, and some
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of the more prominent citizens have
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been invited to the unwinding.
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[music playing]
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Rich!
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Come on, Rich, you're going to be late for school.
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Hey, is he still here?
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Yeah.
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Hey, honey, where's my dark suit?
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The dark suit came back from the cleaners,
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and I put it in the closet.
269
00:08:47,468 --> 00:08:48,069
OK.
270
00:08:48,169 --> 00:08:49,337
Ritchie!
271
00:08:49,437 --> 00:08:51,172
Honey, would you have been proud of me.
272
00:08:51,272 --> 00:08:53,241
Mel said that Alan would practically go through the roof
273
00:08:53,341 --> 00:08:55,009
if I didn't show up for that meeting in the morning,
274
00:08:55,109 --> 00:08:56,577
and I stood firm, boy.
275
00:08:56,677 --> 00:08:57,745
Oh, good.
276
00:08:57,845 --> 00:08:58,913
Ritchie!
277
00:08:59,013 --> 00:08:59,747
I don't know what's keeping that--
278
00:08:59,847 --> 00:09:00,681
Hi, Mommy.
279
00:09:00,782 --> 00:09:02,183
Well, it's about time.
280
00:09:02,283 --> 00:09:03,651
Now remember, dear, after school you're to go straight
281
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:04,786
to Millie's house, huh?
282
00:09:04,886 --> 00:09:06,654
OK, but what are you guys going?
283
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,122
Well, I--
284
00:09:08,222 --> 00:09:10,258
Daddy and I have an errand to do
285
00:09:10,358 --> 00:09:11,359
Oh.
286
00:09:11,459 --> 00:09:12,727
Well, aren't you a little late there, Rich?
287
00:09:12,827 --> 00:09:15,063
Well the teachers have a meeting this morning,
288
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,798
and we're supposed to come late.
289
00:09:16,898 --> 00:09:17,765
Bye, Daddy.
290
00:09:17,865 --> 00:09:18,966
Bye.
291
00:09:19,066 --> 00:09:20,068
Of all mornings to have their meeting
292
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:21,169
they had to have it this morning.
293
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:22,236
Well, we still have all day.
294
00:09:22,336 --> 00:09:23,538
No we don't, honey.
295
00:09:23,638 --> 00:09:25,606
I've got to be right back to work afterward.
296
00:09:25,706 --> 00:09:26,641
After what?
297
00:09:26,741 --> 00:09:27,642
Ritchie!
298
00:09:27,742 --> 00:09:29,343
Rich, will you go get an education?
299
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,350
Rob, I was counting on your taking the whole day off.
300
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,085
Well, honey, I tried the best I could.
301
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,687
It just turned out to be impossible.
302
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:43,858
You mean, after the ceremony you're just going to leave me?
303
00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:45,293
I am not going to leave you.
304
00:09:45,393 --> 00:09:47,795
I'll drop you here, and just continue on, that's all.
305
00:09:47,895 --> 00:09:49,297
How romantic.
306
00:09:49,397 --> 00:09:51,165
Well, honey, come on.
307
00:09:51,265 --> 00:09:53,100
It's not like we were really getting married.
308
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:54,769
Well, that's what we're doing, isn't it?
309
00:09:54,869 --> 00:09:55,970
Well, I don't know.
310
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:57,605
As far as the majority of our 50 states
311
00:09:57,705 --> 00:09:59,841
are concerned we are already married, that's all.
312
00:09:59,941 --> 00:10:01,843
Oh, I know, but it is a ceremony.
313
00:10:01,943 --> 00:10:05,046
And I don't know, I kind of feel like I was getting
314
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,280
married for the first time.
315
00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:08,416
You know, a little nervous, don't you?
316
00:10:08,516 --> 00:10:10,151
Well, I don't know as though I feel nervous.
317
00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:11,719
I do feel something though.
318
00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:12,753
What?
319
00:10:12,854 --> 00:10:13,788
Silly.
320
00:10:17,525 --> 00:10:19,260
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way
321
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,330
because I feel like a bride, and I can't help it.
322
00:10:22,430 --> 00:10:23,731
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
323
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,266
I'd love to be able to take you out for the day,
324
00:10:25,366 --> 00:10:26,467
but it's just impossible.
325
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:27,935
We haven't finished this week's show.
326
00:10:28,035 --> 00:10:29,804
As it is, I'm not going to be able to make that staff
327
00:10:29,904 --> 00:10:31,072
meeting in the morning.
328
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,340
I'm sure that Buddy and Sally would have
329
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,075
been happy to cover for you, especially
330
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:35,443
for an occasion like this.
331
00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:36,811
Honey, the boss expects--
332
00:10:40,548 --> 00:10:42,450
what do you mean you're sure Buddy and Sally would
333
00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:44,886
have been willing to cover for me on a special occasion
334
00:10:44,986 --> 00:10:45,853
like this?
335
00:10:45,953 --> 00:10:48,356
Wh-- what do you mean?
336
00:10:48,456 --> 00:10:50,424
Are you suggesting that I told Buddy
337
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:52,360
and Sally about the wedding?
338
00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:53,060
No.
339
00:10:53,161 --> 00:10:55,029
You didn't, did you?
340
00:10:55,129 --> 00:10:56,330
Of course I didn't.
341
00:10:56,430 --> 00:10:57,899
We agreed to keep it a secret, and that's
342
00:10:57,999 --> 00:10:59,934
the way I've kept it.
343
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:00,868
Well, I'm--
344
00:11:00,968 --> 00:11:01,969
I'm glad, darling.
345
00:11:02,069 --> 00:11:03,571
I'm glad.
346
00:11:03,671 --> 00:11:05,806
Of course it wouldn't be the end of the world if they did know.
347
00:11:05,907 --> 00:11:08,209
I mean after all, they're very trustworthy,
348
00:11:08,309 --> 00:11:10,144
and I'm sure they'd keep our secret.
349
00:11:10,244 --> 00:11:12,246
ROB: Honey, you didn't by any chance
350
00:11:12,346 --> 00:11:14,682
tell somebody about the wedding, did you?
351
00:11:14,782 --> 00:11:18,719
Well, Rob, you and I agreed that it would be very
352
00:11:18,819 --> 00:11:21,289
embarrassing for Rich if he ever found
353
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,958
out that I lied about my age on-- on our marriage
354
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,259
certificate.
355
00:11:25,359 --> 00:11:26,894
I mean, he's much too young to understand
356
00:11:26,994 --> 00:11:28,195
how I felt at the time.
357
00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:31,232
And actually, we are married in most states.
358
00:11:31,332 --> 00:11:33,134
Practically all of them as a matter of fact.
359
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:37,271
So I'm certainly not anxious for a secret like this to get out.
360
00:11:37,371 --> 00:11:39,607
And the more that I think about it the
361
00:11:39,707 --> 00:11:43,044
happier I am that you didn't tell Alan or Buddy or Sally
362
00:11:43,144 --> 00:11:44,045
about it.
363
00:11:44,145 --> 00:11:44,979
You told Millie.
364
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,882
I didn't tell her.
365
00:11:47,982 --> 00:11:48,883
You didn't tell Millie?
366
00:11:48,983 --> 00:11:50,384
No, I didn't tell.
367
00:11:50,484 --> 00:11:52,386
Now let's get going, darling.
368
00:11:52,486 --> 00:11:54,488
The Justice of the Peace said that the witnesses
369
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:55,656
would be there at 9:30.
370
00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:56,824
All right, you didn't tell Millie.
371
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:59,193
Who did you tell?
372
00:11:59,293 --> 00:12:01,228
Rob, you just called me a liar.
373
00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:02,530
I did nothing of the sort.
374
00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:04,432
I simply asked you if you told anybody,
375
00:12:04,532 --> 00:12:06,767
and you answered and said no as if you didn't really mean it.
376
00:12:06,867 --> 00:12:08,903
Now honey, I don't mean to upset you.
377
00:12:09,003 --> 00:12:11,272
Well, you have upset me.
378
00:12:11,372 --> 00:12:12,673
First, you call me a liar.
379
00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:14,342
Then, you're going to drive me up to Greenwich,
380
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,478
Connecticut marry me, and drop me like a hot potato.
381
00:12:17,578 --> 00:12:20,214
I don't think that that's being very considerate.
382
00:12:20,314 --> 00:12:21,916
Laura, I can't help it.
383
00:12:22,016 --> 00:12:23,317
I tried to, but it's impossible.
384
00:12:23,417 --> 00:12:25,953
I happen to have a responsibility to my job.
385
00:12:26,053 --> 00:12:28,189
Now I told you, if you wanted to wait a few weeks,
386
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:29,590
I'd be able to take a couple of days,
387
00:12:29,690 --> 00:12:30,992
and we could have a second honeymoon.
388
00:12:31,092 --> 00:12:33,794
But you said you were too uncomfortable to wait.
389
00:12:33,894 --> 00:12:34,729
Well, I am.
390
00:12:34,829 --> 00:12:36,530
I don't like this feeling of only
391
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,733
being married in some states.
392
00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:42,570
Will you tell me why you were never uncomfortable before?
393
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:45,940
Because I never thought of checking with a lawyer like you
394
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,408
did.
395
00:12:47,508 --> 00:12:49,944
Boy, the minute you found out I'd lied about my age,
396
00:12:50,044 --> 00:12:51,879
you were on the phone checking with lawyers
397
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,347
and looking for loopholes.
398
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:58,019
Honey, let's not get into a thing.
399
00:12:58,119 --> 00:12:59,053
Let's just go get it over with.
400
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,721
I am not getting into a thing.
401
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,456
Well, you're certainly not in a very appropriate
402
00:13:02,556 --> 00:13:05,226
mood for a marriage ceremony.
403
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:06,460
Oh?
404
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:07,895
Well, perhaps you would like to crawl
405
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:10,131
through one of those little loopholes you
406
00:13:10,231 --> 00:13:13,668
and your lawyer discovered.
407
00:13:13,768 --> 00:13:15,903
I am not the one who lied.
408
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,204
I didn't lie.
409
00:13:17,305 --> 00:13:19,040
I didn't tell Millie until she guessed it.
410
00:13:25,546 --> 00:13:26,447
Millie knows.
411
00:13:26,547 --> 00:13:29,617
How dare you call me a liar.
412
00:13:29,717 --> 00:13:31,152
I didn't call you a liar.
413
00:13:31,252 --> 00:13:34,689
You didn't Just say, "honey, I'm not the one who lied?"
414
00:13:34,789 --> 00:13:36,257
You didn't wait for me to finish.
415
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:38,693
I was about to say I am not the one who lied about my age
416
00:13:38,793 --> 00:13:40,127
on the marriage certificate.
417
00:13:40,227 --> 00:13:41,629
You are calling me a liar.
418
00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:43,698
Well, that's what you are,
419
00:13:43,798 --> 00:13:44,999
Oh!
420
00:13:45,099 --> 00:13:46,267
All right then were.
421
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,803
Who's oh, doggonnit are.
422
00:13:48,903 --> 00:13:51,105
Why you have to go to Millie for?
423
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,207
I told you, she guessed it.
424
00:13:53,307 --> 00:13:55,743
Oh, sure, without the tiniest little bit of a hint from you
425
00:13:55,843 --> 00:13:57,078
I suppose, huh?
426
00:13:57,178 --> 00:13:58,946
And I suppose you didn't give Buddy or Sally the tiniest
427
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:00,014
little bit of a hint.
428
00:14:00,114 --> 00:14:01,382
What did you tell them?
429
00:14:01,482 --> 00:14:03,217
I told them we were going up to the Bronx Zoo
430
00:14:03,317 --> 00:14:07,521
to unwind a boa constrictor.
431
00:14:07,621 --> 00:14:11,392
Rob, would you like to call off our marriage?
432
00:14:11,492 --> 00:14:12,626
Which one?
433
00:14:16,130 --> 00:14:17,431
Take your pick.
434
00:14:21,936 --> 00:14:23,304
I am not a welcher.
435
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:24,505
Well, neither am I.
436
00:14:24,605 --> 00:14:26,107
All right then, let's go get married.
437
00:14:26,207 --> 00:14:27,241
OK.
438
00:14:27,341 --> 00:14:28,776
Boy, if we didn't have a son.
439
00:14:28,876 --> 00:14:30,311
If we didn't have a son we wouldn't
440
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:32,146
have a neighbor that you could blah, blah, blah.
441
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:35,416
[music playing]
442
00:14:37,218 --> 00:14:38,185
Is that right, Judge?
443
00:14:38,285 --> 00:14:39,220
Yes, thank you.
444
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:40,121
Good luck and bless you both.
445
00:14:40,221 --> 00:14:41,021
Thank you.
446
00:14:41,122 --> 00:14:43,357
Bye bye to you.
447
00:14:43,457 --> 00:14:45,926
They sure a nice young couple.
448
00:14:46,026 --> 00:14:49,063
Yeah, wasn't she the pretty little thing?
449
00:14:49,163 --> 00:14:50,898
Oh, my, yes.
450
00:14:50,998 --> 00:14:53,300
I'd say they're both about as attractive a young couple
451
00:14:53,401 --> 00:14:54,702
as I've ever married.
452
00:14:54,802 --> 00:14:58,639
Oh, I really enjoy watching these ceremonies.
453
00:14:58,739 --> 00:15:01,275
Yes, they're better than TV or movies.
454
00:15:01,375 --> 00:15:05,579
It's real life happening on the spot, and we are a part of it.
455
00:15:05,679 --> 00:15:08,115
Yes, we are there.
456
00:15:11,352 --> 00:15:13,087
Judge, what number was that couple?
457
00:15:13,187 --> 00:15:17,691
It was 32,491.
458
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:23,130
Sweetie pie, what number was this for us?
459
00:15:23,230 --> 00:15:27,535
This was our 814 witnessing.
460
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:31,071
If the railroad had retired you a year earlier,
461
00:15:31,172 --> 00:15:35,009
we could have made it away over the 1,000 mark.
462
00:15:35,109 --> 00:15:37,344
Don't you worry, you keep coming here every week
463
00:15:37,444 --> 00:15:39,313
and you'll hit 10,000.
464
00:15:39,413 --> 00:15:40,915
Well, who are we witnessing next?
465
00:15:41,015 --> 00:15:44,819
Let's see Mr. Robert 'Pee-tree" and his fiancee.
466
00:15:44,919 --> 00:15:47,021
Show them in will you, Donald?
467
00:15:47,121 --> 00:15:49,123
The judge is ready for you, Mr. "Pee-tree."
468
00:15:49,223 --> 00:15:50,157
Oh, yes.
469
00:15:50,257 --> 00:15:51,425
Petrie.
470
00:15:51,525 --> 00:15:54,628
My wife to be is having a little problem.
471
00:15:54,728 --> 00:15:57,798
Excuse us, we'll be all right.
472
00:15:57,898 --> 00:15:59,800
LAURA: Rob, take me home, please, Just take me home,
473
00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:01,335
Will you just do what we came here to do?
474
00:16:01,435 --> 00:16:02,670
Look, if I never marry you again it
475
00:16:02,770 --> 00:16:04,872
will be just fine with me.
476
00:16:04,972 --> 00:16:07,374
Will you please just go in and get married?
477
00:16:07,474 --> 00:16:10,177
Will you please let's just get married.
478
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,690
Hello, I'm Robert Petrie.
479
00:16:22,790 --> 00:16:26,393
This is my wife-to-be Laura.
480
00:16:26,493 --> 00:16:27,361
How do you do?
481
00:16:27,461 --> 00:16:28,295
How do you do?
482
00:16:28,395 --> 00:16:29,530
I'm Judge Krata.
483
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,134
Judge Crater?
484
00:16:34,235 --> 00:16:35,269
No, not that one.
485
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,738
K-R-A-T-A, Krata.
486
00:16:37,838 --> 00:16:39,740
I should pronounce it Krata, but I
487
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:43,177
enjoy seeing people's reactions when I say I'm Judge Crater.
488
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,948
Oh, hope we didn't disappoint you.
489
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:48,916
Not at all.
490
00:16:49,016 --> 00:16:50,784
I'd like you to meet your witnesses.
491
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:52,186
Donald?
492
00:16:52,286 --> 00:16:55,155
Mr and Mrs. Donald Lucas Parker.
493
00:16:55,256 --> 00:16:56,557
Oh, how do you do, sir?
494
00:16:56,657 --> 00:16:59,560
I'm Robert Petrie, and this is my fiancee Laura.
495
00:16:59,660 --> 00:17:00,494
How do you do?
496
00:17:00,594 --> 00:17:01,462
How do you do?
497
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,030
Oh, just fine, thank you.
498
00:17:03,130 --> 00:17:05,699
And I hope you two young folks will find all the happiness
499
00:17:05,799 --> 00:17:10,170
and contentment that my darling dodo and I have shared.
500
00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:11,105
Thank you.
501
00:17:11,205 --> 00:17:13,040
I hope so for our sakes.
502
00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:16,510
Mr. Parker and I are going to celebrate our wedding
503
00:17:16,610 --> 00:17:18,679
anniversary next month.
504
00:17:18,779 --> 00:17:22,049
I'll wager you can't guess how many years it is.
505
00:17:22,149 --> 00:17:24,518
Oh, well I'm not very good at guessing.
506
00:17:24,618 --> 00:17:26,687
Oh, go on, guess.
507
00:17:26,787 --> 00:17:29,290
Oh, well, 30 years?
508
00:17:29,390 --> 00:17:30,357
30 years.
509
00:17:30,457 --> 00:17:32,560
Did you hear that, Mr. Parker?
510
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:33,928
30 years.
511
00:17:34,028 --> 00:17:35,429
That last couple guessed 40.
512
00:17:35,529 --> 00:17:36,897
Yeah.
513
00:17:36,997 --> 00:17:39,500
Go on, tell him how long we've been married, Dodo.
514
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,304
Next month Mr. Parker and I will celebrate
515
00:17:43,404 --> 00:17:45,906
five beautiful years together.
516
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:50,778
Five years.
517
00:17:50,878 --> 00:17:54,315
Our wooden anniversary.
518
00:17:54,415 --> 00:17:55,783
Tell him how you met.
519
00:17:55,883 --> 00:18:00,454
Well, Mr. Parker's first wife and my first husband
520
00:18:00,554 --> 00:18:05,292
passed away on the same day, and were buried in adjoining plots.
521
00:18:10,998 --> 00:18:15,803
The first time I saw my Dodo was at the cemetery.
522
00:18:15,903 --> 00:18:18,572
And the next time was at the prescription
523
00:18:18,672 --> 00:18:21,175
counter at the pharmacy.
524
00:18:21,275 --> 00:18:23,377
We're both suffering from cholesterol.
525
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:27,748
There's a lot of that going around.
526
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:37,658
And then three months later, Judge Krata joined our hands
527
00:18:37,758 --> 00:18:40,327
together in holy matrimony.
528
00:18:40,427 --> 00:18:44,398
And right after that, they became my permanent witnesses.
529
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:46,266
It was very romantic.
530
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:47,601
Yes.
531
00:18:47,701 --> 00:18:48,936
Well do you two want to join hands and stroll
532
00:18:49,036 --> 00:18:51,071
down life's highway together?
533
00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:52,139
Yeah, I guess so.
534
00:18:52,239 --> 00:18:53,173
You ready, Laura?
535
00:18:53,273 --> 00:18:54,975
Well, we did drive all the way up,
536
00:18:55,075 --> 00:18:57,745
and you are missing a morning's work.
537
00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,880
A morning's work?
538
00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:03,250
Oh, yes, my husband's a very important man.
539
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:04,485
Very busy at the office.
540
00:19:04,585 --> 00:19:05,886
Can't do without him.
541
00:19:05,986 --> 00:19:08,288
I'm very grateful he's giving me this much time.
542
00:19:10,924 --> 00:19:12,826
Are you sure you don't want to think this over,
543
00:19:12,926 --> 00:19:14,428
and come back another time?
544
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,462
Oh, no, no.
545
00:19:15,562 --> 00:19:16,663
We've got to go through with it.
546
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:18,032
She promised too many of our neighbors
547
00:19:18,132 --> 00:19:21,635
we were getting married today.
548
00:19:21,735 --> 00:19:24,138
I didn't tell.
549
00:19:24,238 --> 00:19:25,939
Don't hand me that.
550
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,107
Where do you want us to stand, Judge?
551
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:29,209
Now before I begin the ceremony,
552
00:19:29,309 --> 00:19:33,414
I'd like to offer some words of advice if I may.
553
00:19:33,514 --> 00:19:35,249
Would you sit down, please?
554
00:19:35,349 --> 00:19:36,350
Well Judge as my wi--
555
00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:38,952
you fiancee said, I have to get back to work.
556
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,321
What I have to say won't take long.
557
00:19:41,422 --> 00:19:45,626
I don't like to butt in, but I would listen to the judge.
558
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,228
He's a very wise man.
559
00:19:48,328 --> 00:19:49,363
He straightened me out.
560
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,305
Do you have a moment to listen?
561
00:19:58,405 --> 00:19:59,940
I'm listening, Judge.
562
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:01,775
My children, I don't presume to know anything
563
00:20:01,875 --> 00:20:03,410
about you personally except you seem
564
00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:05,145
rather upset about something.
565
00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:08,415
Now I performed over 32,000 marriage ceremonies.
566
00:20:08,515 --> 00:20:09,817
And beautifully.
567
00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,385
Thank you.
568
00:20:11,485 --> 00:20:14,455
And I daresay some of those unions turned out disastrously,
569
00:20:14,555 --> 00:20:17,725
but I made it a rule never to prejudge any couple's chances
570
00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:19,059
for a successful marriage.
571
00:20:19,159 --> 00:20:22,129
And I have never ever refused to marry
572
00:20:22,229 --> 00:20:24,098
anyone who came into this room.
573
00:20:24,198 --> 00:20:24,865
Oh good.
574
00:20:24,965 --> 00:20:26,266
Then let's get on with it.
575
00:20:26,366 --> 00:20:27,534
Until today.
576
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:28,735
Huh?
577
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:31,371
Are you refusing to marry us?
578
00:20:31,472 --> 00:20:32,639
I'm afraid so.
579
00:20:32,739 --> 00:20:34,708
My conscience won't allow me to wield two
580
00:20:34,808 --> 00:20:38,579
such apparent mismated souls.
581
00:20:38,679 --> 00:20:40,380
That's the way he is.
582
00:20:40,481 --> 00:20:43,917
I refuse to send you into a life of certain unhappiness
583
00:20:44,017 --> 00:20:45,686
and possible misery.
584
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:49,123
He straightened me out.
585
00:20:49,223 --> 00:20:50,858
Well, you can't mean that.
586
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:52,626
Would that I didn't.
587
00:20:52,726 --> 00:20:54,728
Well, Judge you got to marry us.
588
00:20:54,828 --> 00:20:56,663
JUDGE: My conscience won't allow it.
589
00:20:56,764 --> 00:20:59,366
But we love each other, honest we do.
590
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:02,402
Yeah, well, more than any couple we know.
591
00:21:02,503 --> 00:21:04,271
I mean, we're really in love.
592
00:21:04,371 --> 00:21:05,372
We're a great couple.
593
00:21:05,472 --> 00:21:07,174
I've known this man for years, and I just
594
00:21:07,274 --> 00:21:09,843
couldn't dream of spending my life without him.
595
00:21:09,943 --> 00:21:10,944
Me neither.
596
00:21:11,044 --> 00:21:12,746
I'd die without this girl.
597
00:21:12,846 --> 00:21:14,348
I'm sorry.
598
00:21:14,448 --> 00:21:17,184
And he really is.
599
00:21:17,284 --> 00:21:18,218
Rob!
600
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,122
Judge, look, if you don't marry us,
601
00:21:22,222 --> 00:21:23,991
we're just going to drive on up the road
602
00:21:24,091 --> 00:21:26,126
till we find somebody else who will.
603
00:21:26,226 --> 00:21:28,061
I mean, if I got to go clear to Canada, I will.
604
00:21:28,162 --> 00:21:30,297
Nobody's going to tell me that we aren't meant for each other
605
00:21:30,397 --> 00:21:31,498
after all these years.
606
00:21:31,598 --> 00:21:33,534
But, darling, if we have to go further Upstate,
607
00:21:33,634 --> 00:21:34,668
you'll miss the whole day's work.
608
00:21:34,768 --> 00:21:35,869
Who cares?
609
00:21:35,969 --> 00:21:38,672
If a guy can't marry his own--
610
00:21:38,772 --> 00:21:40,307
who can get married?
611
00:21:40,407 --> 00:21:43,510
Rob, do you mean that about missing the whole days work?
612
00:21:43,610 --> 00:21:45,612
If I can find somebody to take care of Rich,
613
00:21:45,712 --> 00:21:47,214
I would take the whole weekend.
614
00:21:47,314 --> 00:21:48,115
Rich?
615
00:21:48,215 --> 00:21:48,849
Yeah.
616
00:21:48,949 --> 00:21:50,884
Our oh-- our--
617
00:21:50,984 --> 00:21:51,985
our dog. - My dog.
618
00:21:52,085 --> 00:21:53,320
- My dog. - His dog.
619
00:21:53,420 --> 00:21:54,021
Her dog.
620
00:21:54,121 --> 00:21:54,955
I gave it to him.
621
00:21:55,055 --> 00:21:57,724
I bought it for her.
622
00:21:57,824 --> 00:21:59,493
We've got a dog.
623
00:21:59,593 --> 00:22:02,296
Rob, do you mean you'd take the whole weekend?
624
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,102
Huh.
625
00:22:09,203 --> 00:22:10,871
Does that answer your question?
626
00:22:10,971 --> 00:22:13,273
Well, Millie does know about us,
627
00:22:13,373 --> 00:22:17,144
and I think she'd be happy to watch Rich.
628
00:22:17,244 --> 00:22:18,645
How does it, Judge Krata?
629
00:22:18,745 --> 00:22:22,216
You going to marry us or we got to go find a real one?
630
00:22:22,316 --> 00:22:24,885
Your witnesses just outvoted me.
631
00:22:24,985 --> 00:22:27,921
Dodo, put on the music.
632
00:22:28,021 --> 00:22:31,191
Now, can you--
633
00:22:31,291 --> 00:22:33,160
you stand over here, please?
634
00:22:33,260 --> 00:22:34,628
Yeah.
635
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:36,330
The man is on the right.
636
00:22:36,430 --> 00:22:37,631
Oh, gee, I forgot.
637
00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:40,934
I mean, I didn't know.
638
00:22:41,034 --> 00:22:44,705
Well, 32,493 coming up.
639
00:22:44,805 --> 00:22:47,074
Will you join hands?
640
00:22:47,174 --> 00:22:48,909
All right, Mrs. Parker.
641
00:22:49,009 --> 00:22:52,546
[music playing]
642
00:23:05,158 --> 00:23:12,699
Dearly beloved, by the powers vested
643
00:23:12,799 --> 00:23:14,334
in me by the state of Connecticut,
644
00:23:14,434 --> 00:23:17,504
I now pronounce you man and wife.
645
00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:18,505
You may kiss the bride.
646
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:22,776
Lovely.
647
00:23:22,876 --> 00:23:25,912
Loveliest wedding I've ever seen.
648
00:23:26,013 --> 00:23:27,314
Next to ours.
649
00:23:29,816 --> 00:23:32,386
Well Judge, thank you very much.
650
00:23:32,486 --> 00:23:34,755
I'm sorry we had to practically force you to marry us.
651
00:23:34,855 --> 00:23:36,223
I'm glad you did because I can see
652
00:23:36,323 --> 00:23:39,493
in the way you two just kissed, you're a real match set.
653
00:23:39,593 --> 00:23:42,896
That's just what he told Mr Parker and me,
654
00:23:42,996 --> 00:23:45,866
and he certainly was right there.
655
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:47,567
You can say that again, Dodo.
656
00:23:50,003 --> 00:23:53,707
Well, darling, I guess we better be on our way.
657
00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:55,008
Judge, is there--
658
00:23:55,108 --> 00:23:57,077
any kind of little lakeside resort nearby?
659
00:23:57,177 --> 00:23:58,312
As many as you want.
660
00:23:58,412 --> 00:24:00,881
I highly recommend Honeymoon Haven.
661
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:02,783
It's only 28 miles from here.
662
00:24:02,883 --> 00:24:05,852
They have a great rumba band.
663
00:24:05,952 --> 00:24:07,587
Well, honey what do you say?
664
00:24:07,688 --> 00:24:10,357
I say you're very sweet and thoughtful,
665
00:24:10,457 --> 00:24:13,860
but you're going down to your office where you're needed.
666
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,295
Yeah, you're right.
667
00:24:15,395 --> 00:24:16,964
Oh, and we promised to take Ritchie to the movies.
668
00:24:17,064 --> 00:24:17,898
Of course.
669
00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:18,865
Thanks anyway, Judge.
670
00:24:18,966 --> 00:24:19,800
Take care.
671
00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:21,368
Thank you very much.
672
00:24:21,468 --> 00:24:22,069
Good luck
673
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:23,337
We just enjoyed it.
674
00:24:28,275 --> 00:24:31,044
I don't understand young folks.
675
00:24:31,144 --> 00:24:34,081
Even at my age, I'd still rather go on a honeymoon
676
00:24:34,181 --> 00:24:37,617
than take a dog to the movies.
677
00:24:37,718 --> 00:24:40,320
[music playing]
678
00:24:47,094 --> 00:24:52,099
[theme song]
47220
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