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[theme music playing]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Are you sure you have the tickets?
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Well honey, I've got them right here,
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just relax and enjoy a nice meal.
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We've got plenty of time.
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Have you made your choices?
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Yes, we have.
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I think we'll have the specialty du jour.
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The specialty of the day, very good choice.
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Two calf's head vinaigrette.
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Calf's head?
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Wait, wait a minute, the specialty's
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supposed to, supposed to be the trout amandine.
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No, no, no, no.
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Trout amandine is for Wednesday.
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Well, today is Wednesday.
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No, it's not.
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Well, it better be, we got tickets for a show.
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For Maurice, it is Tuesday.
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Maurice?
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The chef.
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You see, he was sick Monday.
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He came in Tuesday, and he start the week a day late.
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Can we eat the calf's head?
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I don't think so.
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No, I think we'll have a little something else.
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What would you suggest here?
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Well, how about trout amandine?
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You just said--
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I just said it is not the specialty.
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Well, what's the difference?
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About $0.40.
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Well, we'll have-- we'll have two trout
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amandine and some white wine.
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Fine.
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Honey, did I tell you how lovely you look tonight?
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I don't believe it.
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No, I mean it, with the hair or something,
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you look different.
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- Rob, put your head down. - Huh?
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- Get down. - What do you mean?
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Ow.
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What'd I say, honey?
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Rob, just stay down.
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Oh, you broke the skin, I think.
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Just stay down, Rob.
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I'm not going to stay down until you
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tell me what's going on. What's going on?
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Rob, a couple just came into the restaurant,
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and I don't think they'd like us to know they're here.
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What couple?
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This one.
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Oh, that's a fine table.
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Whose feet were those?
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Jerry Helper.
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Jerry and Millie?
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I thought they couldn't come tonight.
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Not-- don't turn around.
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Not Millie.
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It's not Millie?
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Definitely not Millie.
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Rob, move your chair over so they can't see me.
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Who's he with?
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I haven't the slightest idea.
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Who is that girl?
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Rob, don't turn around.
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Are you sure it's Jerry?
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Of course I'm sure it's Jerry.
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Who is-- Rob, don't.
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How can I tell you who is that girl if you
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don't let me turn around?
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All right, then turn around, he's not looking.
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No.
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Have you got a mirror?
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That's a good idea.
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Poor Millie.
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Honey, that's a pretty big jump
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from who is she to poor Millie.
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All I know is that Millie said the reason they
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couldn't come with us tonight was because Jerry
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was busy at the office.
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Some busy.
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I bet that looks a little funny.
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[inaudible]
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To each his own.
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A glass of wine for you, sir, and one
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for your lovely daughter.
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No, I'm his wife.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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But in our little hideaway, not every couple
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is husband and wife.
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Poor Millie.
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Honey, what do you mean, poor Millie?
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- Take a look. - Is it OK?
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Yes.
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Poor Millie.
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It's none of our business and I refuse.
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Rob, it is not such a terrible thing
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just to look in someone's garage to see if their car is there.
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I don't think so, I don't want to spy on my friend
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see if he's home yet.
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Well then I will.
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Well?
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It's not there.
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What does that prove, honey?
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It proves poor Millie.
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Will you stop with the poor Millie?
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My gosh, all the way home, poor Millie,
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all the way through dinner, all the way through that show,
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poor Millie.
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I see a hit musical, I came out humming poor Millie.
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Besides, we don't even know if it's poor Millie.
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Well, what then, poor Jerry?
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Why not poor Jerry?
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You have no idea why he was having dinner with that blond.
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He was having dinner and having the time of his life.
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He was just having dinner.
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Rob, you didn't even see them.
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How could I see them?
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You wouldn't let me see them.
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I told you what I saw.
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Let me just recap for you what you saw.
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You saw two people sitting there, chatting amiably.
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Very amiably.
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All right, all right, very amiably.
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He lit a couple of cigarettes for her.
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Mhmm, which is something he never did for poor Millie.
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I don't even do it for you half the time.
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All right, but I don't see you at a restaurant having
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dinner with a blond floozy.
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Whoa, now hold it.
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Since when did she become a blond floozy?
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I thought she looked like a very nice girl.
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Oh, Rob, you hardly saw her.
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Honey, I saw her legs when they came in,
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and those were not the legs of a floozy.
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Oh, Rob.
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Let's not be cute.
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No, really, she looked like a very nice girl to me.
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All right, Rob, but whoever or whatever she was,
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the fact remains she was having dinner
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with somebody else's husband.
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Maybe she didn't know that.
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Oh, come on.
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Look, honey, when a man's out on the town
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he doesn't go around telling girls he's marr--
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forget what I said.
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I didn't-- you know--
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you're just twisting my words.
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You know what I mean.
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You mean poor Millie.
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I don't mean any such thing, honey.
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There's probably a very decent explanation
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of why the two of them were having dinner
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in that restaurant tonight.
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If there was any evil in the situation, it was at our table.
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Rob, how can you say that?
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You and I are the ones that jumped to a sordid conclusion
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about it. We're the ones that hid.
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They walked in there like two upright Americans with nothing
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to hide.
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Now if we had sat up like normal people,
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Jerry would have probably come right over to the table
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and said, hello Laura and Rob, I'd like for you
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to meet my cousin from Denver.
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And we would have said--
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Baloney.
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No, honey, we would have said, won't you join us?
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We would probably have had a very
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enjoyable evening with Jerry and his beautiful cousin
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from Denver.
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Rob, I hope you're right.
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But I keep remembering Millie said
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that the reason they couldn't come with us
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was because Jerry had a late appointment.
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So who says that she wasn't his late appointment?
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At the office?
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All right, it started at the office
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and ended up at the restaurant.
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Hmm.
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Why, it's possible, honey.
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Maybe he fixed her teeth and took
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her out to see if they work.
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Rob, why are you defending Jerry?
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I'm not defending Jerry.
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I am defending the principle that a man
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is innocent until his wife proves him guilty.
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I must say--
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Shh. [sound of car]
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It's Jerry's car.
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It's him.
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Well, it's about time.
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OK, now you've got him all punched in,
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can we please go to bed?
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Where do you suppose they went after the restaurant?
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I don't know, why don't you call him on the phone
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and ask him where he went?
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- I don't think we'll have to. - Why?
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Don't turn around.
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He brought her home?
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No, Rob, it's Jerry.
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What'll we do?
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We'll just say hi, hi Jerry.
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No, I mean--
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Hi, Jerry.
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- What do we say about tonight? - Huh?
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We'll just tell him we saw a good play tonight.
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Rob, I mean his tonight.
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Well, we'll talk about our tonight
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if he wants to talk about his tonight.
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- All right. - It's his choice.
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OK, well I'm going to bed.
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No, don't go to bed.
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He saw you, he'll think something's wrong.
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Well, he probably doesn't want me to be here.
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Honey, please, huh?
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[stammering] I'll let him in, he knows you're here.
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Hi, Jerry.
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Oh, hiya, Jerry.
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What's the big discussion?
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It's cold out there.
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I saw your lights on. Hi, Laura.
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Hello, Jerry.
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We've just had an argument about the show
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we saw about tonight. - Yeah?
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Well, how was it? - Oh, great, great.
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Oh gee, I wish I could have seen it,
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but I wish we could joined you.
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Who?
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You, you guys.
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I wish we could have joined you, but well, I, I had,
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I got hung up.
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Hung up?
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Uh, well, we understand that, Jerry.
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We'll get tickets for something next week.
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We'll all go out. - Oh, great, great.
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You know, I owe Millie a night on the town.
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Uh-huh.
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Well then, great.
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I'll get four tickets, and we'll go out just like old times.
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Fine.
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Oh, except Tuesday.
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I've got this late thing on Tuesday.
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- Uh, like tonight? - Yeah, right.
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I see.
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Oh listen, could I steal a cup of coffee?
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I've been dying for one.
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I went to this restaurant, they served rotten coffee.
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Jerry, I'm sorry, we haven't got any coffee.
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Gee, Rob and I had marvelous coffee.
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We had dinner at the White Peacock.
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What's that got to do with anything, honey?
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You-- you had dinner at the White Peacock?
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Um-hmm.
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Hey Jerry, how about a little milk?
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Yeah, OK, fine.
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Which White Peacock, east or west?
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West, why do you ask?
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East, north, west or south, what difference does it make?
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A peacock's a peacock, isn't it?
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West, are you sure?
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I was at the White Peacock west.
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You were?
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How about that, honey, he was at the Peacock west.
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That's a surprise, isn't it?
269
00:08:34,422 --> 00:08:36,190
I didn't see you, did you see me?
270
00:08:36,291 --> 00:08:37,859
Well, as a matter of fact--
271
00:08:37,959 --> 00:08:40,661
As a matter of fact, we came before you left.
272
00:08:41,195 --> 00:08:43,965
We, we, you weren't there yet, we didn't see you, Jerry.
273
00:08:44,999 --> 00:08:46,634
It's too bad we didn't see each other.
274
00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:49,270
That way, you wouldn't have had to eat alone.
275
00:08:49,370 --> 00:08:52,006
Yeah, yeah, right, right, but well,
276
00:08:52,106 --> 00:08:53,875
actually, I didn't eat alone.
277
00:08:53,975 --> 00:08:55,476
How about that, honey?
278
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:56,778
Jerry didn't eat alone.
279
00:08:56,878 --> 00:08:58,012
And you were worried.
280
00:08:58,112 --> 00:08:59,147
Worried?
281
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,349
Well, that you had to eat alone.
282
00:09:01,449 --> 00:09:02,950
Who did you have dinner with?
283
00:09:03,051 --> 00:09:05,586
Well, I, I was with this doctor friend of mine.
284
00:09:05,687 --> 00:09:06,621
A doctor.
285
00:09:06,721 --> 00:09:07,989
Tony Gagliardi.
286
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:12,794
Tony Gagliardi?
287
00:09:12,894 --> 00:09:14,295
Yeah.
288
00:09:14,395 --> 00:09:15,663
A little more milk, Jerry?
289
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:16,964
No.
290
00:09:17,065 --> 00:09:18,499
No, I really don't want it.
291
00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:20,201
Listen Rob, I think I'll, I'll make some coffee at home.
292
00:09:20,301 --> 00:09:21,402
- OK. - It's late.
293
00:09:21,502 --> 00:09:23,037
I'll see you both later. - Yeah, Jerry.
294
00:09:23,137 --> 00:09:24,539
- Good night. - Good night.
295
00:09:38,052 --> 00:09:39,187
Maybe she's Italian.
296
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:44,425
Well, she could be, she could be a northern Italian.
297
00:09:44,525 --> 00:09:46,661
You know they're blond with blue eyed up there,
298
00:09:46,761 --> 00:09:48,663
or maybe it's bleached.
299
00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:50,264
And she's a doctor.
300
00:09:50,365 --> 00:09:53,101
Well, she doesn't have to be a doctor doctor, he didn't say.
301
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,803
A PhD she could have been, or a veterinarian.
302
00:09:55,903 --> 00:09:57,572
Sure, a bleached vet.
303
00:09:59,374 --> 00:10:02,443
Look, honey, no matter who she is, it's none of our business.
304
00:10:02,543 --> 00:10:04,212
All right now, look, I can't say anything
305
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,314
to Millie about this, but I think you ought
306
00:10:06,414 --> 00:10:07,548
to have a talk with Jerry.
307
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:08,349
Me?
308
00:10:08,449 --> 00:10:09,951
Well, it's obvious I can't.
309
00:10:10,051 --> 00:10:13,021
Honey, I don't understand why anybody has to talk to anybody.
310
00:10:13,121 --> 00:10:14,455
It's their business.
311
00:10:14,555 --> 00:10:17,792
But Rob, they're our best friends.
312
00:10:17,892 --> 00:10:20,561
I know they're our best friends.
313
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:24,298
Well, it wouldn't hurt I guess, to give Jerry the opportunity
314
00:10:24,399 --> 00:10:25,666
to talk to me about it.
315
00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:27,568
Maybe he wants to tell me who she really is.
316
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:30,538
So you don't really believe she's a doctor either.
317
00:10:30,638 --> 00:10:34,976
Well, hon, it takes 12 years of hard, grueling study
318
00:10:35,076 --> 00:10:37,211
to become a doctor.
319
00:10:37,311 --> 00:10:38,613
Anybody with legs like that wouldn't
320
00:10:38,713 --> 00:10:39,781
have any time to study.
321
00:10:43,084 --> 00:10:44,719
Oh, that's too bad, Jerr.
322
00:10:44,819 --> 00:10:47,655
I thought maybe we could drive in together this morning.
323
00:10:47,755 --> 00:10:48,923
No, no.
324
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:51,159
Well, listen, can we have lunch together?
325
00:10:51,259 --> 00:10:52,460
Well no, nothing important.
326
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,328
I-- I feel like I owe you a cup of coffee
327
00:10:54,429 --> 00:10:57,165
after last night not being able to.
328
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:59,133
Oh, well, no, that's OK.
329
00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:01,836
No, I'll pick you and we'll drive back home-- uh--
330
00:11:01,936 --> 00:11:02,870
oh.
331
00:11:02,970 --> 00:11:04,305
Yeah.
332
00:11:04,405 --> 00:11:06,741
Well, look, have an early dinner, come over,
333
00:11:06,841 --> 00:11:09,076
we'll shoot a little pool.
334
00:11:09,177 --> 00:11:09,977
Oh, I see.
335
00:11:10,077 --> 00:11:11,512
No, I understand.
336
00:11:11,612 --> 00:11:13,915
We'll drive in together in the morning.
337
00:11:14,015 --> 00:11:14,849
Uh-huh.
338
00:11:14,949 --> 00:11:15,817
Uh-huh.
339
00:11:15,917 --> 00:11:17,685
Well, how about Thursday?
340
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:21,656
Friday?
341
00:11:21,756 --> 00:11:23,157
Yeah, that's, yeah, well.
342
00:11:23,257 --> 00:11:24,759
Well look, I'll see you the weekend.
343
00:11:24,859 --> 00:11:27,028
I promise to bring my tools over and help you--
344
00:11:27,128 --> 00:11:27,995
yeah.
345
00:11:28,095 --> 00:11:29,630
Oh, no, I understand, Jerry.
346
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:35,203
Well, I'll see you in August, I guess, huh?
347
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:36,304
Bye, Jerry.
348
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:37,505
Rob, don't hang up.
349
00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:39,106
Oh wait, Jerry, don't hang up.
350
00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:40,641
Laura wants to talk to Millie.
351
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:41,609
OK.
352
00:11:41,709 --> 00:11:43,644
Boy, does he not want to talk to me.
353
00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:45,913
I think he suspects we suspect him.
354
00:11:46,013 --> 00:11:47,248
You suspect him.
355
00:11:47,348 --> 00:11:48,516
Remember, I keep saying that Jerry is innocent.
356
00:11:48,616 --> 00:11:49,784
And why are you going to talk to Millie?
357
00:11:49,884 --> 00:11:51,385
I thought we said you weren't.
358
00:11:51,486 --> 00:11:54,455
I don't want to talk to her, but she may want to talk to me.
359
00:11:54,555 --> 00:11:55,990
Hi, Mill.
360
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,125
How are you?
361
00:11:58,226 --> 00:11:59,794
You sound like you have a cold.
362
00:12:02,864 --> 00:12:04,332
Well, that's good.
363
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:08,603
Say, Millie, I, I just made some great blueberry muffins.
364
00:12:08,703 --> 00:12:10,471
You want to come over and have some coffee?
365
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,039
Fine.
366
00:12:12,139 --> 00:12:14,108
I'll see you in a little while.
367
00:12:14,208 --> 00:12:15,910
Honey, remember, let her do all the talking.
368
00:12:16,010 --> 00:12:17,378
I will.
369
00:12:17,478 --> 00:12:19,914
Let's just hope, Rob, there's nothing to talk about.
370
00:12:20,014 --> 00:12:21,516
Will you not act so nervous?
371
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,417
I'm not acting nervous, but I promised her blueberry muffins.
372
00:12:23,518 --> 00:12:24,652
Now I got to make them.
373
00:12:28,489 --> 00:12:30,358
How do you like that husband of mine?
374
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,527
Must have eaten half a dozen muffins.
375
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,762
You really shouldn't have bothered making any more.
376
00:12:34,862 --> 00:12:37,765
I'm really not very hungry.
377
00:12:37,865 --> 00:12:39,133
Aren't you feeling well?
378
00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:40,635
Oh, I'm fine.
379
00:12:40,735 --> 00:12:43,371
I just don't seem to have much of an appetite lately.
380
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:44,438
Oh?
381
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:46,541
Well, maybe you ought to have a checkup.
382
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,109
Well, I just had a checkup.
383
00:12:48,209 --> 00:12:49,944
Doctor says I'm fine.
384
00:12:50,044 --> 00:12:50,845
Fine.
385
00:12:50,945 --> 00:12:52,513
Hmph.
386
00:12:52,613 --> 00:12:56,183
Millie, I know just how you feel.
387
00:12:56,284 --> 00:12:58,219
It must be the weather.
388
00:12:58,319 --> 00:12:59,854
The weather's beautiful.
389
00:12:59,954 --> 00:13:03,090
I know, and that makes it worse, doesn't it?
390
00:13:03,190 --> 00:13:04,592
Makes what worse?
391
00:13:04,692 --> 00:13:07,862
Well, whatever it is that's making you feel depressed.
392
00:13:07,962 --> 00:13:09,964
I didn't say I was depressed.
393
00:13:10,064 --> 00:13:12,300
I just said I wasn't hungry.
394
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,102
Oh, yeah, that's right.
395
00:13:15,202 --> 00:13:17,471
Laura, do I seem depressed to you?
396
00:13:17,572 --> 00:13:20,808
No, you-- you just don't seem hungry.
397
00:13:23,311 --> 00:13:24,579
Laura?
398
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,547
Yes?
399
00:13:26,647 --> 00:13:28,316
Maybe I will have another muffin.
400
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,184
It might be just the thing I need.
401
00:13:30,284 --> 00:13:32,486
Sure, Millie, a nice hot muffin, it'll
402
00:13:32,587 --> 00:13:34,255
cheer your whole mood up.
403
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:35,389
What mood?
404
00:13:35,489 --> 00:13:36,691
Well, you just seem--
405
00:13:36,791 --> 00:13:39,193
Have I seemed moody to you lately?
406
00:13:39,293 --> 00:13:41,495
No no, Millie, you seem just fine.
407
00:13:41,596 --> 00:13:44,365
Well, I'm glad someone thinks so.
408
00:13:44,465 --> 00:13:47,034
Well, who doesn't think so?
409
00:13:47,134 --> 00:13:49,837
Well, I for one don't.
410
00:13:49,937 --> 00:13:55,209
If I ask you something, would you give me an honest answer?
411
00:13:55,309 --> 00:13:56,644
Well, sure Millie.
412
00:13:56,744 --> 00:13:57,845
What is it?
413
00:13:57,945 --> 00:14:01,148
Well, even if you knew that by telling the truth,
414
00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:04,852
you might hurt someone you like?
415
00:14:04,952 --> 00:14:08,623
Well, I guess that would depend on how
416
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,758
much that person would be hurt.
417
00:14:10,858 --> 00:14:12,259
Let's say a lot.
418
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,095
Would you?
419
00:14:14,195 --> 00:14:18,899
Well, then I guess too it would depend on who that person
420
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,301
I like was.
421
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:24,038
Let's say it was someone you liked as well as me.
422
00:14:24,138 --> 00:14:26,707
Oh, well, Millie, there aren't very many people I like
423
00:14:26,807 --> 00:14:27,908
as well as you.
424
00:14:28,009 --> 00:14:28,943
Oh.
425
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:38,152
Well, let's say it was me.
426
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,387
Is it you?
427
00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:40,554
Yes, it's me.
428
00:14:40,655 --> 00:14:41,622
[crying]
429
00:14:42,023 --> 00:14:42,957
Millie.
430
00:14:43,057 --> 00:14:45,493
Oh Millie, go ahead, let it out.
431
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,969
Laura, you know how much I was looking
432
00:14:55,069 --> 00:14:58,406
forward to going with you and Rob to that play last night?
433
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:00,408
Yeah, Millie, you were the one who suggested
434
00:15:00,508 --> 00:15:01,742
that we get the tickets.
435
00:15:01,842 --> 00:15:03,010
That's right.
436
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,946
And you know why we didn't go?
437
00:15:06,047 --> 00:15:08,849
Well, you, you said that Jerry had an appointment.
438
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:12,486
Do you know who the appointment was with?
439
00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:14,689
Well no, how would I know?
440
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,692
I can't tell you, I'm too ashamed.
441
00:15:20,094 --> 00:15:21,896
Oh, I can't open the door?
442
00:15:23,831 --> 00:15:25,132
Thank you.
443
00:15:25,232 --> 00:15:26,434
You're welcome.
444
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:31,072
Rotten Jerry.
445
00:15:32,873 --> 00:15:36,243
How about doing a husband and wife sketch?
446
00:15:36,343 --> 00:15:37,945
Why make fun of marriage?
447
00:15:38,045 --> 00:15:40,181
Since when are you defending marriage?
448
00:15:40,281 --> 00:15:41,415
I think marriage is wonderful.
449
00:15:41,515 --> 00:15:42,683
Without it, husbands and wives would
450
00:15:42,783 --> 00:15:45,219
have to fight with strangers.
451
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,221
Why don't we do a good jealousy sketch.
452
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:48,489
You and Laura having a problem?
453
00:15:48,589 --> 00:15:50,057
No, why do you ask that?
454
00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:51,959
Well, because every sketch idea you've come up with today
455
00:15:52,059 --> 00:15:54,628
has to do with husbands and wives not getting along.
456
00:15:54,729 --> 00:15:55,329
Yeah.
457
00:15:55,429 --> 00:15:56,297
What'd Laura do?
458
00:15:56,397 --> 00:15:57,431
Nothing.
459
00:15:57,531 --> 00:16:00,701
She happens to be crazy about me.
460
00:16:00,801 --> 00:16:04,105
I'd like to ask you kind of a hypothetical question, though.
461
00:16:04,205 --> 00:16:05,973
Hey, he's up to the h's.
462
00:16:06,073 --> 00:16:08,242
Yeah, hypothetical.
463
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:09,844
You know what that means?
464
00:16:09,944 --> 00:16:11,112
It means it's happened to him, but he's going to try and make
465
00:16:11,212 --> 00:16:12,113
us think it was somebody else.
466
00:16:12,213 --> 00:16:13,647
No, it isn't me.
467
00:16:13,748 --> 00:16:16,217
Look, suppose-- suppose a person had a friend.
468
00:16:16,317 --> 00:16:17,451
It's him.
469
00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,620
No, it's not.
470
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,423
You know, a friend who to all intents and purposes
471
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,158
is a happily married friend.
472
00:16:24,258 --> 00:16:25,059
Happily married.
473
00:16:25,159 --> 00:16:26,026
Well, that lets me out.
474
00:16:26,127 --> 00:16:26,927
And me.
475
00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:28,696
Can you guys stop it?
476
00:16:28,796 --> 00:16:32,433
Now suppose this person saw the friend at a restaurant having
477
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,068
dinner with a strange woman. - Yeah.
478
00:16:34,168 --> 00:16:35,402
Yeah. Go on.
479
00:16:35,503 --> 00:16:37,638
Well, should the person who did the seeing
480
00:16:37,738 --> 00:16:39,406
tell his friend that he saw him?
481
00:16:39,507 --> 00:16:42,777
And how would you go about telling him?
482
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:46,247
Hey, I'm not a college fellow, you know, so would you kind
483
00:16:46,347 --> 00:16:48,015
of un-hypothetical this for me?
484
00:16:48,115 --> 00:16:49,450
What do you mean?
485
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,185
Well, I mean, are you the guy who did the seeing?
486
00:16:51,285 --> 00:16:52,486
Yeah.
487
00:16:52,586 --> 00:16:53,754
As a matter of fact, Laura and I both saw.
488
00:16:54,688 --> 00:16:56,123
Ah, Buddy, hey, didn't I tell you?
489
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,057
I told you.
490
00:16:57,158 --> 00:16:58,359
What?
491
00:16:58,459 --> 00:16:59,660
I told Buddy, but he wouldn't believe me.
492
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:00,961
See, I told you, but you wouldn't believe me.
493
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:02,029
Tell him what?
494
00:17:02,129 --> 00:17:04,598
Talking about Jerry Helper, aren't you?
495
00:17:04,698 --> 00:17:06,167
Who told you, Sal?
496
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:07,134
Nobody told me.
497
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,636
I could have told you.
498
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,538
Were you there last night?
499
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:12,173
Were they out again last night?
500
00:17:13,174 --> 00:17:14,508
Again?
501
00:17:14,608 --> 00:17:15,609
When did you see them?
502
00:17:15,709 --> 00:17:19,246
About two weeks ago.
503
00:17:19,346 --> 00:17:20,447
Are you sure?
504
00:17:20,548 --> 00:17:21,749
Look, what do you mean is she sure?
505
00:17:21,849 --> 00:17:23,717
She tried-- I had to almost tape up her mouth
506
00:17:23,818 --> 00:17:25,052
to keep her from telling you.
507
00:17:25,152 --> 00:17:26,787
Yeah, well he said it was none of my business
508
00:17:26,887 --> 00:17:28,289
and it was probably a patient or a cousin or something.
509
00:17:28,389 --> 00:17:29,590
Yeah.
510
00:17:29,690 --> 00:17:31,392
That's just exactly what I said to Laura.
511
00:17:31,492 --> 00:17:32,560
Where did you see him?
512
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:33,661
Getting into a cab.
513
00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:34,595
Where'd they go?
514
00:17:34,695 --> 00:17:36,363
I didn't follow them.
515
00:17:36,463 --> 00:17:37,832
Well, where did they come from?
516
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:38,933
How do I know?
517
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,135
Sal, why did you wait till now to tell me?
518
00:17:41,235 --> 00:17:42,770
We didn't think there was anything to tell.
519
00:17:42,870 --> 00:17:44,371
Yeah, he didn't but I did.
520
00:17:44,472 --> 00:17:46,707
You see, I told you we should've told Rob right then and there.
521
00:17:46,807 --> 00:17:48,142
Yeah, so what, so they'd have gotten
522
00:17:48,242 --> 00:17:49,643
a divorce two weeks earlier.
523
00:17:51,178 --> 00:17:52,680
Where'd you see them?
524
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,448
Well, last night Laura and I were having dinner at the White
525
00:17:54,548 --> 00:17:59,186
Peacock and in Jerry walks with this big, tall, bleached blond.
526
00:17:59,286 --> 00:18:00,421
Bleached blond?
527
00:18:00,521 --> 00:18:01,555
Well, Laura thought she was bleached.
528
00:18:01,655 --> 00:18:03,224
Oh, she's bleached all right.
529
00:18:03,324 --> 00:18:04,525
What makes you so sure?
530
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,861
Because when I saw them, she was a redhead.
531
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:07,595
A redhead?
532
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,864
A short redhead.
533
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,599
We saw him with a tall blond.
534
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,634
My gosh, he's got two of them.
535
00:18:13,734 --> 00:18:14,935
Not necessarily.
536
00:18:15,035 --> 00:18:16,403
Maybe when she dies her hair, she shrinks.
537
00:18:16,503 --> 00:18:17,972
Oh, come on.
538
00:18:19,273 --> 00:18:20,608
Oh, boy.
539
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:22,610
Well, that does it, no matter how unpleasant it is,
540
00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,478
I'm going to have to sit my friend Jerry down and have
541
00:18:24,578 --> 00:18:25,613
a nice long talk with him.
542
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:27,414
Yeah, I think you're right, Rob.
543
00:18:27,514 --> 00:18:29,416
That boy sure needs help.
544
00:18:29,517 --> 00:18:30,684
Needs help?
545
00:18:30,784 --> 00:18:32,253
I think he's doing beautifully by himself.
546
00:18:35,556 --> 00:18:37,358
Now honey, if you run into Jerry in the path,
547
00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:38,359
don't say a word to him.
548
00:18:38,459 --> 00:18:39,760
I won't.
549
00:18:39,860 --> 00:18:41,161
And remember, not a word to Millie until after I
550
00:18:41,262 --> 00:18:42,763
talk to Jerry and you and I have another meeting.
551
00:18:42,863 --> 00:18:45,299
Oh Rob, let's just hope this is some crazy mistake
552
00:18:45,399 --> 00:18:46,533
and not what we know it is.
553
00:18:46,634 --> 00:18:49,670
Don't worry, honey, it is.
554
00:18:49,770 --> 00:18:50,871
Oh, hi, Jerry.
555
00:18:50,971 --> 00:18:52,406
I see you have your plunger.
556
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:54,208
Uh, well, here's Rob.
557
00:18:54,308 --> 00:18:55,142
Good-bye.
558
00:18:55,242 --> 00:18:56,143
Bye.
559
00:18:58,546 --> 00:19:00,247
What's the matter with her?
560
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,549
What's the matter with you?
561
00:19:01,649 --> 00:19:03,417
What's the matter with your garbage disposal?
562
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,818
Garbage disposal?
563
00:19:04,919 --> 00:19:06,120
Yeah, you said there was something wrong with it.
564
00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:07,521
- Oh, yeah. - Well, let's take a look at it.
565
00:19:07,621 --> 00:19:09,423
Jerry, there's nothing wrong with it.
566
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,391
Well, you just told me--
567
00:19:10,491 --> 00:19:12,092
I know it, Jerry, I lied.
568
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:13,027
You lied?
569
00:19:13,127 --> 00:19:14,128
Yes, I lied.
570
00:19:14,228 --> 00:19:16,897
We all lie once in a while, don't we, Jerry?
571
00:19:16,997 --> 00:19:19,900
Yeah, but-- hey Rob, what's with you?
572
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:20,634
You.
573
00:19:20,734 --> 00:19:22,202
You are with me.
574
00:19:22,303 --> 00:19:23,904
You know, that's the second time I've lied to you this week.
575
00:19:24,004 --> 00:19:26,206
When was the first time?
576
00:19:26,307 --> 00:19:28,642
Jerry, put that plunger down and listen to me.
577
00:19:28,742 --> 00:19:30,344
Hey Rob, what goes?
578
00:19:30,444 --> 00:19:33,647
Laura and I saw you at the White Peacock last night.
579
00:19:33,747 --> 00:19:34,949
You saw me--
580
00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:36,850
well, why didn't you come over to the table?
581
00:19:36,951 --> 00:19:38,519
Jerry, I was with my wife.
582
00:19:38,619 --> 00:19:39,453
You weren't.
583
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,421
Now who was she?
584
00:19:40,521 --> 00:19:41,855
I told you, Rob.
585
00:19:41,956 --> 00:19:44,558
I know you said a old friend, Dr. Tony Gagliardi.
586
00:19:44,658 --> 00:19:45,993
Are you going to stick with that story?
587
00:19:46,093 --> 00:19:47,127
Rob, that is--
588
00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:49,630
hey, wait a minute, you don't think that I was--
589
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,065
I'm not here to think, Jerry.
590
00:19:51,165 --> 00:19:52,766
Well Rob, that's who I was with.
591
00:19:52,866 --> 00:19:54,902
That blond was Toni Gagliardi.
592
00:19:55,002 --> 00:19:58,305
Toni, T-O-N-I. Gagliardi, G-A--
593
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,007
All right, Jerry.
594
00:20:00,107 --> 00:20:01,976
Who was the redhead, Dr. Zorba?
595
00:20:03,777 --> 00:20:05,846
Which redhead?
596
00:20:05,946 --> 00:20:07,648
Which-- you mean there's another redhead?
597
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,216
Ah, come on, Rob.
598
00:20:09,316 --> 00:20:10,918
Jerry, look, you were seen two weeks ago getting into a cab
599
00:20:11,018 --> 00:20:12,319
with one of your "friends."
600
00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:14,488
Now look, what'd you do, hire a private detective
601
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:15,422
to follow me?
602
00:20:15,522 --> 00:20:16,757
Jerry, who was she?
603
00:20:16,857 --> 00:20:17,958
And don't tell me she's a long-lost relative.
604
00:20:18,058 --> 00:20:20,260
Rob, I don't owe you any explanation.
605
00:20:20,361 --> 00:20:21,862
Jerry, I know that.
606
00:20:21,962 --> 00:20:23,864
And I want you to know I'm not doing this for anything
607
00:20:23,964 --> 00:20:26,667
except my affection for you and Millie.
608
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:27,635
Now who was she?
609
00:20:27,735 --> 00:20:28,602
She's my cousin.
610
00:20:28,702 --> 00:20:30,037
Oh, for crying out loud.
611
00:20:30,471 --> 00:20:31,638
Rob.
612
00:20:31,739 --> 00:20:32,706
Don't you realize what's at stake here?
613
00:20:32,806 --> 00:20:35,075
She's my cousin Sheila.
614
00:20:35,175 --> 00:20:38,012
Jerry, if you want me to butt out, just say so.
615
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:39,079
Butt out, Rob.
616
00:20:42,249 --> 00:20:43,050
Rob?
617
00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:44,051
What?
618
00:20:44,151 --> 00:20:47,488
Can I have my plumber's helper back?
619
00:20:47,588 --> 00:20:48,389
Jerry.
620
00:20:48,489 --> 00:20:49,323
Yeah?
621
00:20:49,423 --> 00:20:50,290
Think of the kids.
622
00:20:50,391 --> 00:20:52,459
Ah, doggone it, Rob.
623
00:20:52,559 --> 00:20:53,427
OK.
624
00:20:53,527 --> 00:20:54,595
OK. Sit down, Rob.
625
00:20:54,695 --> 00:20:55,829
Yeah?
626
00:20:57,064 --> 00:20:59,967
Rob, I'm going to tell you something.
627
00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:02,469
I want you to promise that you won't tell anyone.
628
00:21:02,569 --> 00:21:04,104
Oh, Jerry, I promise.
629
00:21:04,204 --> 00:21:05,172
OK.
630
00:21:05,272 --> 00:21:07,374
Now Rob, if Millie finds out that you know,
631
00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:08,609
she'll be very upset.
632
00:21:08,709 --> 00:21:09,877
Millie knows?
633
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:12,279
It was her idea.
634
00:21:12,379 --> 00:21:14,581
Wait-- the redhead?
635
00:21:14,682 --> 00:21:15,816
It was her idea?
636
00:21:15,916 --> 00:21:16,917
Oh, will you forget the redhead?
637
00:21:17,017 --> 00:21:18,519
I told you she's my cousin Sheila.
638
00:21:18,619 --> 00:21:19,520
OK.
639
00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:20,954
The blond was Millie's idea.
640
00:21:21,055 --> 00:21:21,722
Right.
641
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,624
Oh, Jerry, come on.
642
00:21:23,724 --> 00:21:26,126
I know we're supposed to be nice sophisticated suburbanites,
643
00:21:26,226 --> 00:21:27,694
but that's a little too much for me.
644
00:21:27,795 --> 00:21:32,833
Rob, Dr. Toni Gagliardi is a marriage counselor.
645
00:21:32,933 --> 00:21:34,134
A marriage counselor?
646
00:21:34,234 --> 00:21:35,269
Right.
647
00:21:35,369 --> 00:21:39,139
Toni, T-O-N-I, and she's a doctor of psychology.
648
00:21:39,239 --> 00:21:40,908
Millie and I are--
649
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,077
well, we're-- oh, how should I say it, you know,
650
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:45,112
we're having a little problem.
651
00:21:45,212 --> 00:21:46,080
The redhead?
652
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:47,081
Oh, Rob.
653
00:21:48,215 --> 00:21:51,151
The redhead is my kid cousin Sheila Marshack,
654
00:21:51,251 --> 00:21:52,920
and I've been fixing her teeth since she
655
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,888
was eight years old so will you forget the redhead already?
656
00:21:54,988 --> 00:21:56,457
Well, so who's, who's the problem?
657
00:21:56,557 --> 00:21:59,026
We are, Millie, Millie and I, that's what the problem is.
658
00:21:59,126 --> 00:22:01,228
We-- well, lately we've been fighting with each other
659
00:22:01,328 --> 00:22:02,563
more than we should.
660
00:22:02,663 --> 00:22:04,865
And, well, before we did any real damage to our marriage,
661
00:22:04,965 --> 00:22:07,768
we decided we ought to talk it over with a counselor.
662
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:09,303
Wait a minute, Jerry, I'm not saying
663
00:22:09,403 --> 00:22:10,971
I don't believe you or anything, but isn't it a little bit
664
00:22:11,071 --> 00:22:12,873
strange to take your marriage counselor out to dinner?
665
00:22:12,973 --> 00:22:15,742
Yeah, right, but she's not our marriage counselor.
666
00:22:15,843 --> 00:22:17,277
You just said--
667
00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:19,079
She's a marriage counselor, but because she's a friend,
668
00:22:19,179 --> 00:22:22,049
she can't counsel us, so she was recommending someone.
669
00:22:22,149 --> 00:22:23,183
Yeah?
670
00:22:23,283 --> 00:22:24,818
Right, and maybe this person will help us out.
671
00:22:24,918 --> 00:22:26,420
Help you out?
672
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:27,955
Well, sure, how would you like to be married to a woman that
673
00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:29,389
still kept you on the same budget you had when
674
00:22:29,490 --> 00:22:30,791
you went to dental college?
675
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,726
You know, I mean, I mean, I married a chipmunk.
676
00:22:32,826 --> 00:22:33,694
Save, save, save.
677
00:22:33,794 --> 00:22:35,028
I want to live.
678
00:22:35,129 --> 00:22:36,263
I can't go in and buy a pair of sweat socks
679
00:22:36,363 --> 00:22:36,997
without feeling guilty.
680
00:22:37,097 --> 00:22:38,365
I'm doing great, right?
681
00:22:38,465 --> 00:22:40,934
Well, she's got me living like a failure.
682
00:22:41,034 --> 00:22:42,169
That's your problem?
683
00:22:42,269 --> 00:22:44,905
Yeah, that's it, among other things.
684
00:22:45,005 --> 00:22:46,273
That's great.
685
00:22:46,373 --> 00:22:48,909
What's great about having a marital problem?
686
00:22:49,009 --> 00:22:51,912
Jerry, you're having marital problems.
687
00:22:52,012 --> 00:22:54,314
We thought you were having marital problems.
688
00:22:57,151 --> 00:22:59,419
Listen, Rob, let's get one thing straight.
689
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,622
No matter what I say and how much I hate that girl
690
00:23:01,722 --> 00:23:02,656
next door, I still love her.
691
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:04,391
Oh, me too, Jerry.
692
00:23:04,491 --> 00:23:05,359
Let's go get some coffee.
693
00:23:05,459 --> 00:23:06,560
Yeah.
694
00:23:06,660 --> 00:23:08,328
She made you feel guilty about buying sweat socks?
695
00:23:08,428 --> 00:23:10,964
Yeah, listen, we'll be lucky if we get coffee next door.
696
00:23:15,068 --> 00:23:17,638
Oh, doesn't my little hausfrau look cute tonight?
697
00:23:17,738 --> 00:23:19,006
Just beautiful.
698
00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:20,340
Honey, you are the most--
699
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:21,642
I'm adorable, adorable.
700
00:23:21,742 --> 00:23:24,211
A little stingy, but adorable.
701
00:23:25,479 --> 00:23:27,447
Boy, that marriage counselor sure knows his business.
702
00:23:27,548 --> 00:23:29,616
You know, it's amazing how talking out your problem
703
00:23:29,716 --> 00:23:30,784
can solve them?
704
00:23:30,884 --> 00:23:32,152
Why, we've only gone for five visits
705
00:23:32,252 --> 00:23:33,820
and already it's made a difference.
706
00:23:33,921 --> 00:23:34,821
Six visits.
707
00:23:34,922 --> 00:23:36,089
No, it's five, honey.
708
00:23:36,190 --> 00:23:37,891
- Six, Jerry. - It's five.
709
00:23:37,991 --> 00:23:39,593
I ought to know, I have to get up an hour earlier
710
00:23:39,693 --> 00:23:41,428
for those cockamamie visits.
711
00:23:41,528 --> 00:23:45,065
I write the checks, and it's six cockamamie visits.
712
00:23:45,165 --> 00:23:46,366
Honey, it's five visits, really.
713
00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:47,301
Six.
714
00:23:47,401 --> 00:23:48,468
It's five visits, really it is.
715
00:23:48,569 --> 00:23:49,603
Wait, hold it, you guys.
716
00:23:49,703 --> 00:23:52,005
This is a little bit silly, isn't it?
717
00:23:52,105 --> 00:23:54,374
I'm no psychologist, but it's not important
718
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:56,743
really whether you went five times or six times
719
00:23:56,843 --> 00:23:58,345
to see a marriage counselor.
720
00:23:58,445 --> 00:24:01,515
The important thing is you have to go at least one more time.
721
00:24:05,118 --> 00:24:09,089
[theme music playing]
50076
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