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[theme song]
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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show" Starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Mr. Thompson, I am merely
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asking that you tell us whether or not
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you saw the defendant leave the building
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on the night in question.
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MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): Well, I'm not 100% sure.
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You watch him go after him now.
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He's the murderer.
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Oh, Rob, don't spoil it for me.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Well, would you say you are 90% sure?
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MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): I--
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I don't know.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): 80%?
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70?
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60? 40?
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10%
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MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): I--
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I don't know how many percent.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): May I remind
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you, Mr Thompson, that the defendant
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is on trial for his life.
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100% of it.
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[audience murmurs on tv]
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[phone ringing] [judge bangs gavel on tv]
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Rob, would you get it, please? I don't want to miss this.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Mr. Thompson, just a few moments
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ago, you stated that Theodore Hendrix
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was a client of your fathers. - Hello?
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Is that correct?
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Who?
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MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): Yes, it is.
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Honey, will you turn the set down?
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Is it also
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true that Theodore Hendrix, besides being a client--
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Wait, just a second.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): --also married
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to your first wife's sister?
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Thanks.
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Hello.
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Oh, hi, Buddy, what's new?
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Was a member of the Exchange
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Commission that held-- - What?
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Ssh.
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Oh, I don't believe it.
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What are you kidding me?
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): --the night in question.
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Yeah, you do sound serious.
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Buddy, where are you right now?
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Look, Buddy, why don't you come out here?
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Before you do anything foolish, why--
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just Laura and I.
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Rob, what is it?
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Honey.
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Buddy, I've got my bathrobe on.
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Why don't you-- all right, all right.
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Just calm down.
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Now where are you?
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A bar.
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Buddy, what are you doing at a bar?
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You don't drink.
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All right, all right.
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147 east, OK.
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Now just take it easy, will you Buddy?
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Well, about 45 minutes.
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Take it easy.
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All right, bye.
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Rob, what is it?
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Oh, god that's incredible. I don't believe it.
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- Rob, what? - Honey, please.
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Rob, you're not going anywhere until you
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tell me what's incredible and what you don't believe.
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Laura, Buddy left his wife.
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He's going to get a divorce.
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I don't believe it.
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Buddy left Pickles!
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[music playing]
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- Some guys took-- - Hello, beg your pardon.
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Oh, yes, sir.
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What'll it be?
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Nothing to drink.
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Oh, we don't serve any food.
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Oh, don't you?
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We used to, but nobody ever asked for any.
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If I had a nickel for all the spoiled tuna fish I threw away,
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I could be another Bernard Farrukh.
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That's a shame.
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Look, my name's Rob Petrie.
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Oh, my name is Steve Longfellow.
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Like the poet.
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How are you?
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Glad to see you. - Fine, thanks.
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Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
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I had a big lunch.
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I left the cheese sandwich over.
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I'll let you have it just as an accommodation.
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Don't worry about it.
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Won't charge you nothing for it.
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That's very, very nice of you.
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It's my pleasure.
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It's on the house.
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Yes, thank you very much.
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Was there a man here looking for me?
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What did he look like?
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Well, short, dark.
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Short, dark.
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Yeah, there was a short, dark guy.
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He was sitting right over there for about an hour all
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by himself drinking tomato juice,
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and saying things like, oh, boy.
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Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
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That's him all right.
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Where is he now?
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I don't know.
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All of a sudden, he got up and ran out of here.
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Well, do you think he'll be back?
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I hope so.
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He ain't paid me for the tomato juice.
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Anyway, that's his coat hanging up over there.
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Oh, good.
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Look, I'll-- I'll just sit over here and wait for him.
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Is it all right with you? - Fine, sit.
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Hey, you forgot your cheese sandwich.
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Oh.
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BARTENDER: And I'll tell you what I'll do.
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That's kind of dry, you know what I mean?
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Mhm.
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It's liable to be a little dry.
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I'll give you something to wash it down.
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A little-- a little-- water.
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Oh, thank you very much.
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Oh!
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Oh.
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Oh, I'm-- terribly sorry.
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This is a brand new dress.
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Oh, I didn't see where I was going there.
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Here, I haven't got a cloth.
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I'm sorry.
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Just wait, wait, wait.
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Hold on.
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Wait a minute, wait a minute.
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Wait, my cufflink's caught in your--
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if anybody saw us, and came in, and-- oh!
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Somebody saw us.
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Let's go, Sheila.
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Goodbye, Sheila.
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That was so unfair.
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Isn't that your friend coming in?
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Oh, yeah.
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Buddy, where have you been?
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Oh, Rob, I'm sorry.
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I went back to the apartment.
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Do you think I to leave my cello in the same house with that--
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Whoa, Buddy.
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Buddy, calm down.
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Try to pull yourself together.
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Bartender, two tomato juices, please.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, plenty of Tabasco, lemon, and pepper
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in mine. Boy oh boy.
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You never know.
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You never know, boy.
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Buddy, what happened?
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What happened? What happened?
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You want to know what happened?
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I'll tell you what happened.
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She's no good, that's what happened.
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Buddy, you're not making any sense.
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I'm making plenty of sense.
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Come on, where's that--
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where's the tomato juice?
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Yes, it's coming right up.
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Buddy, Buddy, will you just calm
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down please, and tell me what happened.
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BUDDY: Where's my tomato juice?
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Coming.
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Buddy, for heaven's sakes, what did she do?
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You want to know what she did?
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She's no good.
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That's what she did.
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Buddy, I think you're exaggerating.
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I'm not exaggerating.
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Where's that tomato juice?
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BARTENDER: Coming right up.
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I'll be right back.
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This guys' the biggest crab in the world.
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I don't know.
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Where's that tomato juice?
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BARTENDER: Coming right up.
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Here's your tomato juice, sir.
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Right here.
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Here you are.
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Just a minute.
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And leave that peppermill here.
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But I put plenty of pepper--
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Leave it, buddy.
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Bartender, leave it. I'll watch him.
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Yeah.
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Buddy, look, you asked me to come down here, and help you.
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Now I cannot help you if you don't tell
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me what the problem is.
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I told you what the problem is on the phone.
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You said you wanted a divorce.
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- Yeah, yeah. - Why?
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Why?
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Because she's a lying, cheating, thieving, conniving--
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Oh, Buddy come on.
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I know your wife pretty well.
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You never know them until you get married to them.
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You've had just about enough.
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Oh.
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You'll ruin your stomach.
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So what?
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She ruined my life, that Jezebel.
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Jezebel?
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Yeah, Jezebel, and Marie Antoinette, and Lizzie
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Borden, and Captain Bligh, and all the--
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What did she do?
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What did she do?
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You know what she did, huh?
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I'll tell you what she did.
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All right, you want to know? Here.
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Here's what she did.
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There.
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What am I looking at?
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You're looking at a bunch of canceled checks
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all made out to the same guy.
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Floyd B. Bariscale.
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Yeah.
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Who's Floyd B. Bariscale?
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That's the reason I'm suing for divorce.
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Floyd B. Bariscale.
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Yeah. - You mean?
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Yeah, yeah.
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My wife, and pretty boy Floyd.
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Oh, my gosh.
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[music playing]
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[tv static]
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Rob?
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Hi, honey.
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Why aren't you in bed?
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I was waiting up for you.
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What time is it?
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Oh, 3:30, you should have waited in bed.
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Oh, well, I couldn't sleep.
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I keep thinking about Buddy.
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Well, what was it, darling?
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Was it a false alarm?
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No, it was the real thing.
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It was a six alarmer, out of control, and burning furiously.
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You mean Buddy's serious?
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Serious?
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Honey, I sat there with him for five hours.
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There was a bald bartender, he didn't make one crack.
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Aw, fine.
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You should have seen that poor, little guy.
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All broken up.
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I took him to a hotel so he could get some sleep.
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Rob, what's this all about?
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What happened?
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I'll tell you what happened.
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Pickles is no good, that's what happened.
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Pickles?
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What did she do?
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Honey, there are many ways you can put it,
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but let's just say she's been taking Buddy for a ride.
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You mean another man?
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That's right.
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Unless her uncle's name is Floyd B. Bariscale.
271
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,558
Floyd B. Bariscale?
272
00:08:03,658 --> 00:08:05,593
Who's he?
273
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:08,663
The sticky point on an obtuse triangle.
274
00:08:08,763 --> 00:08:10,164
Grounds for divorce.
275
00:08:10,264 --> 00:08:11,866
I don't believe it.
276
00:08:11,966 --> 00:08:13,368
Well, Buddy has got a whole fistful
277
00:08:13,468 --> 00:08:16,838
of canceled checks to the name of Floyd B. Bariscale.
278
00:08:16,938 --> 00:08:18,773
Rob, it just doesn't make any sense.
279
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,375
I mean, we were with them last night,
280
00:08:20,475 --> 00:08:22,310
and Buddy was insulting Pickles, and she
281
00:08:22,410 --> 00:08:23,845
was screaming, and yelling at him,
282
00:08:23,945 --> 00:08:27,582
and everything was perfectly normal.
283
00:08:27,682 --> 00:08:28,916
That's right.
284
00:08:29,016 --> 00:08:30,918
Well, things aren't perfectly normal today because Buddy
285
00:08:31,018 --> 00:08:32,020
asked me to get him a lawyer.
286
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,388
Oh, Rob, you didn't.
287
00:08:33,488 --> 00:08:36,023
Yeah, I recommended our neighbor, Arthur Calloway.
288
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,492
Oh, Rob, why?
289
00:08:37,592 --> 00:08:39,227
Because honey, Buddy is serious.
290
00:08:39,327 --> 00:08:41,029
No, why didn't you make me my cousin Johnny?
291
00:08:41,129 --> 00:08:43,898
He's every bit as good a--
292
00:08:43,998 --> 00:08:45,433
what am I saying?
293
00:08:45,533 --> 00:08:48,403
Well, anyway, I'm sure they're not ready for lawyers.
294
00:08:48,503 --> 00:08:49,871
Honey, according to Buddy, they should
295
00:08:49,971 --> 00:08:51,406
have had a lawyer years ago.
296
00:08:51,506 --> 00:08:53,274
He told me some things that would have curled your hair.
297
00:08:53,374 --> 00:08:54,342
Pickles is no good.
298
00:08:54,442 --> 00:08:56,244
Buddy's doing the right thing.
299
00:08:56,344 --> 00:08:58,146
You sounds so bloodthirsty, Rob.
300
00:08:58,246 --> 00:08:59,514
It's not like you.
301
00:08:59,614 --> 00:09:02,583
Oh, honey, what she did to that poor schnook.
302
00:09:02,683 --> 00:09:04,852
Well, I'll just never believe that all the things
303
00:09:04,952 --> 00:09:06,287
you say about Pickles is true.
304
00:09:06,387 --> 00:09:07,321
-
305
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:09,190
Honey, you weren't there with Buddy.
306
00:09:09,290 --> 00:09:11,926
She's a deceitful, dishonest woman, and Buddy is right.
307
00:09:12,026 --> 00:09:13,261
I agree with him.
308
00:09:13,361 --> 00:09:15,129
I hope you didn't agree with him out loud.
309
00:09:15,229 --> 00:09:16,397
Well, why shouldn't I?
310
00:09:16,497 --> 00:09:17,799
It's true.
311
00:09:17,899 --> 00:09:19,934
You said to Buddy that his wife
312
00:09:20,034 --> 00:09:21,702
was deceitful and dishonest?
313
00:09:21,803 --> 00:09:24,605
Well, you should have heard his description of her.
314
00:09:24,705 --> 00:09:26,774
Darling, he can say all the nasty things
315
00:09:26,874 --> 00:09:27,742
he wants to about her.
316
00:09:27,842 --> 00:09:28,976
She's his wife.
317
00:09:29,076 --> 00:09:30,311
Are you defending her?
318
00:09:30,411 --> 00:09:33,481
Look, Rob, I once held a sobbing friend's hand,
319
00:09:33,581 --> 00:09:35,216
and just to make her feel better,
320
00:09:35,316 --> 00:09:37,618
I agreed with her that her husband was a bore, and a wolf,
321
00:09:37,718 --> 00:09:38,986
and he was.
322
00:09:39,087 --> 00:09:41,622
But she made up with him, and she never spoke to me again.
323
00:09:44,592 --> 00:09:46,294
Well, Buddy--
324
00:09:46,394 --> 00:09:47,795
Buddy'll never go back to Pickles.
325
00:09:47,895 --> 00:09:49,130
I'm sure of that.
326
00:09:49,230 --> 00:09:50,898
No, never.
327
00:09:50,998 --> 00:09:52,200
No, he never.
328
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,470
[music playing]
329
00:09:56,170 --> 00:09:59,273
[telephone rings]
330
00:10:01,576 --> 00:10:02,210
Hello?
331
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,611
Oh, hi, Laura.
332
00:10:03,711 --> 00:10:05,246
Listen, I'm sorry to be calling you at this hour,
333
00:10:05,346 --> 00:10:07,348
but I just got a hysterical phone call from Pickles.
334
00:10:07,448 --> 00:10:09,684
Would you or Rob know where he might be?
335
00:10:09,784 --> 00:10:10,885
Who's that?
336
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:13,754
Well, yeah, Rob was with Buddy about an hour ago.
337
00:10:13,855 --> 00:10:15,056
Just a minute, I'll put him on.
338
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,190
Sally.
339
00:10:16,290 --> 00:10:17,225
Pickles is trying to locate Buddy.
340
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,259
Oh, hi, Sal. What is it?
341
00:10:18,359 --> 00:10:19,594
Hi Rob. Where's Buddy?
342
00:10:19,694 --> 00:10:20,695
ROB (ON PHONE): Well, he's in a hotel.
343
00:10:20,795 --> 00:10:21,629
Why?
344
00:10:21,729 --> 00:10:22,864
Well, what's he doing at a hotel?
345
00:10:22,964 --> 00:10:24,132
Sal, didn't Pickles tell you?
346
00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:25,233
Well, all she said was
347
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,801
[imitates sobbing]
348
00:10:27,768 --> 00:10:28,870
and all I could make out of that was
349
00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:29,904
that they had a little spat.
350
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,439
A little spat?
351
00:10:31,539 --> 00:10:33,708
Didn't Pickles tell you about the divorce.
352
00:10:33,808 --> 00:10:34,642
What divorce?
353
00:10:34,742 --> 00:10:35,977
ROB (ON PHONE): Buddy and Pickles.
354
00:10:36,077 --> 00:10:37,278
Didn't she tell you?
355
00:10:37,378 --> 00:10:39,080
Well, no she was too hysterical to talk.
356
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,815
All she kept saying is "where is he?"
357
00:10:40,915 --> 00:10:42,049
"Why doesn't he call?"
358
00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:43,351
"What's happened to him?"
359
00:10:43,451 --> 00:10:45,086
Gee, she sure didn't sound like somebody who
360
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,521
wanted to divorce her husband.
361
00:10:46,621 --> 00:10:48,022
Well, Sal, if she wants to call him,
362
00:10:48,122 --> 00:10:49,624
I have the telephone number at the hotel.
363
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:52,226
Well, look, Rob, why don't you call her, and give it to her?
364
00:10:52,326 --> 00:10:54,295
At least you can tell her you saw him alive.
365
00:10:54,395 --> 00:10:55,997
I think you better call her, Rob.
366
00:10:56,097 --> 00:10:57,331
Well, all right. I'll call her.
367
00:10:57,431 --> 00:10:59,033
I shouldn't though after what she did him.
368
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:00,167
Oh, Rob.
369
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:01,702
SALLY (ON PHONE): What did she do?
370
00:11:01,802 --> 00:11:04,038
Buddy found out that Pickles is leading a double life.
371
00:11:04,138 --> 00:11:05,439
Oh, well, so long, Rob.
372
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:06,974
ROB (ON PHONE): So long.
373
00:11:07,074 --> 00:11:08,376
Double life!
374
00:11:08,476 --> 00:11:09,877
Who are you calling?
375
00:11:09,977 --> 00:11:11,479
Buddy.
376
00:11:11,579 --> 00:11:13,614
I'd like to speak to Buddy Sorrell, please.
377
00:11:13,714 --> 00:11:16,784
If he wants to make up with his wife, let him call her.
378
00:11:16,884 --> 00:11:20,421
[phone rings]
379
00:11:37,939 --> 00:11:38,873
Hello?
380
00:11:38,973 --> 00:11:40,274
Buddy?
381
00:11:40,374 --> 00:11:41,809
Hello? ROB (ON PHONE) Buddy?
382
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,810
Yeah.
383
00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:43,678
ROB (ON PHONE): This is Rob.
384
00:11:43,778 --> 00:11:44,745
Yeah.
385
00:11:44,845 --> 00:11:46,714
You woke me up.
386
00:11:46,814 --> 00:11:49,350
I what-- Buddy, you got this whole city jumping.
387
00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:51,552
You're complaining because I woke you up?
388
00:11:51,652 --> 00:11:53,120
[mumbles]
389
00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:54,622
Hey, Buddy, what's the matter with you?
390
00:11:54,722 --> 00:11:56,624
You all right?
391
00:11:56,724 --> 00:11:58,726
Sleeping pills.
392
00:11:58,826 --> 00:11:59,727
He took sleeping pills.
393
00:11:59,827 --> 00:12:00,962
- Oh, Rob. - Buddy!
394
00:12:01,062 --> 00:12:01,896
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah?
395
00:12:01,996 --> 00:12:02,830
Buddy, listen to me.
396
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:03,831
How many did you take?
397
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:06,867
Not enough.
398
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:08,235
Buddy, Buddy, listen.
399
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,171
Listen, get out of bed.
400
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,305
Leave me alone, will you?
401
00:12:11,405 --> 00:12:13,007
Buddy, get out of bed.
402
00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:16,377
Run, jump around, Buddy.
403
00:12:16,477 --> 00:12:17,979
Buddy, look, drink milk.
404
00:12:18,079 --> 00:12:19,247
No, drink coffee.
405
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:20,581
Get coffee.
406
00:12:20,681 --> 00:12:21,515
Buddy?
407
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:22,917
Buddy, listen to me. - Huh?
408
00:12:23,017 --> 00:12:24,452
Huh?
409
00:12:24,552 --> 00:12:25,152
ROB (ON PHONE): Listen, what kind of pills did you take?
410
00:12:25,252 --> 00:12:27,121
Blue.
411
00:12:27,221 --> 00:12:28,756
Buddy, not what color.
412
00:12:28,856 --> 00:12:29,890
What kind?
413
00:12:29,991 --> 00:12:32,727
I don't know.
414
00:12:32,827 --> 00:12:33,761
Dozy Doodles.
415
00:12:37,098 --> 00:12:39,066
He took Dozy Doodles.
416
00:12:39,166 --> 00:12:41,469
Rob, you can get Dozy Doodles without a prescription.
417
00:12:41,569 --> 00:12:42,937
They can't do him any harm.
418
00:12:43,037 --> 00:12:44,705
Oh, yeah.
419
00:12:44,805 --> 00:12:45,439
Buddy, listen.
420
00:12:45,539 --> 00:12:46,374
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah.
421
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:47,508
Sally just called me.
422
00:12:47,608 --> 00:12:49,443
Your wife is going out of her mind.
423
00:12:49,543 --> 00:12:50,845
Will you please call her?
424
00:12:50,945 --> 00:12:52,346
No, I ain't going to call her. You call her, bub.
425
00:12:52,446 --> 00:12:53,614
Anybody can call her.
426
00:12:53,714 --> 00:12:54,915
Not me, I'm not going to call her, boy.
427
00:12:55,016 --> 00:12:56,150
Why there's a lot of things happen I didn't
428
00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:57,351
tell you about in that bar.
429
00:12:57,451 --> 00:12:58,986
[BUDDY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE]
430
00:12:59,086 --> 00:13:00,187
What?
431
00:13:00,287 --> 00:13:01,756
Who?
432
00:13:01,856 --> 00:13:03,457
Barton Nelson?
433
00:13:03,557 --> 00:13:06,060
No, Buddy, I didn't know that.
434
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,161
All right, Buddy.
435
00:13:07,261 --> 00:13:08,596
You wait until the morning.
436
00:13:08,696 --> 00:13:10,364
I'll get you a lawyer first thing in the morning.
437
00:13:10,464 --> 00:13:12,199
Now right now, I want you to go back to bed,
438
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,935
and don't take any more Dozy Doodles.
439
00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:15,903
What?
440
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:19,106
Yes, you can have a cupcake.
441
00:13:19,206 --> 00:13:20,241
Just go to sleep.
442
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:21,175
I'll see you in the morning.
443
00:13:21,275 --> 00:13:23,144
Goodbye.
444
00:13:23,244 --> 00:13:25,112
Who's Barton Nelson?
445
00:13:25,212 --> 00:13:28,416
Honey, did you know that Pickles was married before?
446
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:29,383
Before she married Buddy?
447
00:13:29,483 --> 00:13:30,384
That's right.
448
00:13:30,484 --> 00:13:32,319
She was Mrs. Barton Nelson.
449
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:33,954
Well, how come we never knew anything about it?
450
00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:35,823
Because she probably never even told Buddy.
451
00:13:35,923 --> 00:13:36,624
That's why.
452
00:13:36,724 --> 00:13:38,059
Do you call that deception?
453
00:13:38,159 --> 00:13:40,628
Well, I'll have to know Pickle's side of all this.
454
00:13:40,728 --> 00:13:42,830
Rob, why don't you call her, and tell her to--
455
00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:44,198
Call Pickles? Me?
456
00:13:44,298 --> 00:13:45,800
Honey, no, ma'am. I am a gentleman.
457
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:47,868
I wouldn't care to hear what I have to say to Pickles.
458
00:13:47,968 --> 00:13:48,936
[phone rings]
459
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:49,904
Hello?
460
00:13:50,004 --> 00:13:51,005
[pickles crying on phone]
461
00:13:51,105 --> 00:13:51,972
Hi, Pickles.
462
00:13:52,073 --> 00:13:53,207
[pickles crying on phone]
463
00:13:53,307 --> 00:13:55,042
Look, Pickles, why don't you--
464
00:13:55,142 --> 00:13:58,012
[pickles crying on phone]
465
00:13:58,979 --> 00:14:00,147
Hello, Pickles?
466
00:14:00,247 --> 00:14:01,782
[pickles crying on phone]
467
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:05,319
Pickles, now dear, try to control yourself.
468
00:14:05,419 --> 00:14:07,121
Is there anything I can do for you?
469
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,090
[pickles crying on phone]
470
00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:10,291
Yes, dear, I can do that.
471
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:11,492
Of course I can.
472
00:14:11,592 --> 00:14:13,894
She wants to talk to you.
473
00:14:13,994 --> 00:14:14,662
Hi, Pickles.
474
00:14:14,762 --> 00:14:16,363
[pickles crying on phone]
475
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:18,399
Well, Pickles, now I don't know.
476
00:14:18,499 --> 00:14:20,034
He's at a hotel.
477
00:14:20,134 --> 00:14:22,536
Well, he told me a lot of things, Pickles.
478
00:14:22,636 --> 00:14:23,871
[pickles crying on phone]
479
00:14:23,971 --> 00:14:27,108
Well, he-- he asked me to recommend a lawyer.
480
00:14:27,208 --> 00:14:29,710
[pickles crying on phone]
481
00:14:29,810 --> 00:14:33,347
Pickles, please don't-- she's blubbering again.
482
00:14:33,447 --> 00:14:34,749
She wants to blubber to you.
483
00:14:34,849 --> 00:14:37,318
Pickles, will you try and control yourself?
484
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,186
[pickles crying on phone]
485
00:14:39,286 --> 00:14:43,557
Listen Pickles, look, why don't you call Buddy, and tell him?
486
00:14:43,657 --> 00:14:45,960
Tell him the absolute truth.
487
00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:48,429
What, no-- why do you want to tell me?
488
00:14:48,529 --> 00:14:49,964
Why don't you tell your own husband?
489
00:14:50,064 --> 00:14:51,932
[pickles crying on phone]
490
00:14:52,032 --> 00:14:53,067
Oh, all right, Pickles.
491
00:14:53,167 --> 00:14:56,337
Look, I'll-- I'll get there as soon as I can.
492
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:58,572
If you just call Buddy and talk to him--
493
00:14:58,672 --> 00:15:00,074
but if you just talk--
494
00:15:00,174 --> 00:15:01,542
but if-- but if--
495
00:15:01,642 --> 00:15:02,910
but if-- Pickles!
496
00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:05,746
Pickles, please I'm in my bathrobe, Pickles!
497
00:15:05,846 --> 00:15:07,381
[pickles crying on phone]
498
00:15:07,481 --> 00:15:11,152
All right, just take it easy, Pickles.
499
00:15:11,252 --> 00:15:12,453
About a half an hour.
500
00:15:12,553 --> 00:15:14,855
And right now, I want you to take it easy.
501
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,757
Goodbye.
502
00:15:16,857 --> 00:15:19,360
Oh, Rob, you're not going downtown again.
503
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:20,628
I have to.
504
00:15:23,164 --> 00:15:26,967
My best friend's rotten wife wants to tell me
505
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,435
her side of the story.
506
00:15:28,536 --> 00:15:30,638
Why doesn't she just tell it to Buddy?
507
00:15:30,738 --> 00:15:32,773
Because she was going to try to enlist
508
00:15:32,873 --> 00:15:35,009
me as an ally against Buddy.
509
00:15:35,109 --> 00:15:36,710
Can she?
510
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,846
Honey, Buddy is my best friend,
511
00:15:38,946 --> 00:15:42,183
and she is the one that drove him to Dozy Doodles.
512
00:15:42,283 --> 00:15:44,218
Rob, you got your slippers on.
513
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:45,486
Well, I certainly hope so.
514
00:15:45,586 --> 00:15:46,854
But you feet will freeze without socks.
515
00:15:46,954 --> 00:15:47,888
I got gloves.
516
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:07,741
[tv static]
517
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,113
[sighs]
518
00:16:17,484 --> 00:16:19,954
[music playing]
519
00:16:20,054 --> 00:16:22,022
[doorbell rings]
520
00:16:24,425 --> 00:16:28,028
Oh, Rob.
521
00:16:28,128 --> 00:16:30,097
Let me take your coat.
522
00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:33,868
That's a nice sport shirt.
523
00:16:33,968 --> 00:16:35,669
Rob, it was so good of you to come all
524
00:16:35,769 --> 00:16:37,271
the way down from Mount Vernon.
525
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,606
That's New Rochelle.
526
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:41,942
Oh, yeah, I always get those small towns mixed.
527
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:42,643
Laura?
528
00:16:42,743 --> 00:16:43,611
Just fine, Pickles.
529
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:44,745
How's Ritchie?
530
00:16:44,845 --> 00:16:45,546
Fine.
531
00:16:45,646 --> 00:16:48,115
Such a lovely family.
532
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,050
Rob, why don't you sit down?
533
00:16:50,150 --> 00:16:51,619
Thanks.
534
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,221
Rob, how much did Buddy tell you?
535
00:16:54,321 --> 00:16:55,656
Well, enough, Pickles.
536
00:16:55,756 --> 00:16:57,458
I think I ought to tell you that I think Buddy
537
00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,159
was dealt a pretty bad hand.
538
00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:01,061
Was he playing cards with you tonight?
539
00:17:03,797 --> 00:17:08,002
Did-- did he tell you about the checks to Floyd Bariscale?
540
00:17:08,102 --> 00:17:08,836
Yes, he did.
541
00:17:08,936 --> 00:17:11,405
Did he tell you anything else?
542
00:17:11,505 --> 00:17:13,974
Yes, he did, Pickles.
543
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:15,643
He told me that you were married before.
544
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,511
Did he tell you that?
545
00:17:17,611 --> 00:17:18,445
Well, yes he did.
546
00:17:18,545 --> 00:17:19,780
Is it true?
547
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,549
Yes, but he promised he'd never tell anybody.
548
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:22,516
When?
549
00:17:22,616 --> 00:17:23,384
When did he promise that?
550
00:17:23,484 --> 00:17:25,352
Before we were married.
551
00:17:25,452 --> 00:17:26,754
Before you got--
552
00:17:26,854 --> 00:17:28,188
you mean that Buddy's always known
553
00:17:28,289 --> 00:17:29,290
about your first marriage?
554
00:17:29,390 --> 00:17:30,424
Oh, of course.
555
00:17:30,524 --> 00:17:31,458
Well, this was to Barton Nelson?
556
00:17:31,559 --> 00:17:32,660
Yes.
557
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:33,894
Before we became engaged, Buddy helped me
558
00:17:33,994 --> 00:17:36,163
tear up all of Bart's pictures.
559
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:37,431
Oh?
560
00:17:37,531 --> 00:17:39,099
Yeah, I-- I married Bart when I was 18.
561
00:17:39,199 --> 00:17:42,536
I was on tour with his show, and he was a professor,
562
00:17:42,636 --> 00:17:44,838
and very, very smart.
563
00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:47,107
Even so, we were very incompatible.
564
00:17:49,977 --> 00:17:51,712
In other words, Buddy has always
565
00:17:51,812 --> 00:17:53,380
known about Barton Nelson?
566
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,716
Yes!
567
00:17:55,816 --> 00:17:57,885
But I'll bet he didn't know about Floyd
568
00:17:57,985 --> 00:17:59,620
B. Bariscale, did he now?
569
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,522
Well, not really.
570
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,324
What do you mean "not really?"
571
00:18:03,424 --> 00:18:06,927
Well, all he really knew was I was sending him money.
572
00:18:07,027 --> 00:18:09,597
So you admit that you've been sending him money?
573
00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:11,332
Rob, I had to.
574
00:18:11,432 --> 00:18:12,466
Had to?
575
00:18:12,566 --> 00:18:13,934
Well, if I didn't he would have
576
00:18:14,034 --> 00:18:16,270
told Buddy and Buddy's mother that I'd once
577
00:18:16,370 --> 00:18:17,771
been married to a jailbird.
578
00:18:17,871 --> 00:18:19,340
I mean, it's bad enough as it is.
579
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:20,474
She's against me.
580
00:18:20,574 --> 00:18:22,743
I mean, with a name like Pickles.
581
00:18:22,843 --> 00:18:24,478
I mean, who wants a daughter-in-law who
582
00:18:24,578 --> 00:18:26,647
was once married to a jailbird?
583
00:18:26,747 --> 00:18:29,183
I wouldn't want my child married to a jailbird.
584
00:18:29,283 --> 00:18:31,452
Would you like it if Ritchie was married to a jailbird?
585
00:18:31,552 --> 00:18:32,386
Would you?
586
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:33,587
No, no Pickles.
587
00:18:33,687 --> 00:18:34,855
Look, Pickles, I'm a little confused.
588
00:18:34,955 --> 00:18:37,491
I don't see what you're confused about!
589
00:18:37,591 --> 00:18:40,928
I just simply didn't want Buddy to know that my first husband
590
00:18:41,028 --> 00:18:42,396
was sent to jail for forgery.
591
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:43,330
Wait a minute.
592
00:18:43,430 --> 00:18:44,531
Wait a minute.
593
00:18:44,631 --> 00:18:46,400
Are we talking about Barton Nelson?
594
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,468
Yeah.
595
00:18:47,568 --> 00:18:48,535
Well, I thought we were talking
596
00:18:48,636 --> 00:18:50,070
about Floyd B. Bariscale.
597
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:50,971
Well, they are.
598
00:18:51,071 --> 00:18:53,173
They're both my first husband.
599
00:18:53,273 --> 00:18:55,576
Pickles, how can you have two first husbands?
600
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:56,710
I didn't.
601
00:18:56,810 --> 00:18:59,546
Floyd Bariscale is Barton Nelson.
602
00:18:59,647 --> 00:19:03,050
He changed his name when he got out of jail.
603
00:19:03,150 --> 00:19:06,286
Well, you mean that Bariscale and Nelson are the same guy?
604
00:19:06,387 --> 00:19:07,521
Yes.
605
00:19:07,621 --> 00:19:10,124
Well, what was he in jail for Pickles.
606
00:19:10,224 --> 00:19:14,962
Barton Nelson was a great forger.
607
00:19:15,062 --> 00:19:16,397
A forger?
608
00:19:16,497 --> 00:19:19,166
Pickles, I thought that you just told me that he's a professor.
609
00:19:19,266 --> 00:19:21,101
I thought he was when I married him.
610
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,469
You believe it?
611
00:19:22,569 --> 00:19:27,174
He had gray at the temples, and he spoke so nice and clear.
612
00:19:30,511 --> 00:19:33,947
And he had-- he had this diploma.
613
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,550
It's a real diploma from Harvard.
614
00:19:36,650 --> 00:19:38,018
That he forged.
615
00:19:38,118 --> 00:19:40,921
Ah!
616
00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:44,024
Ah, ah!
617
00:19:44,124 --> 00:19:45,626
So-- so--
618
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:49,596
so-- so Pickles, you were paying him money so that he wouldn't
619
00:19:49,697 --> 00:19:50,831
tell Buddy he was a jailbird?
620
00:19:50,931 --> 00:19:52,433
Oh, what did I do?
621
00:19:52,533 --> 00:19:56,336
I mean, wouldn't you be upset if Laura was married to a forger?
622
00:19:56,437 --> 00:19:57,304
Rob?
623
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:59,339
What should I do?
624
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,476
Pickles, look, why don't you just tell Buddy the truth?
625
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,445
Oh, he'll hate me.
626
00:20:04,545 --> 00:20:07,481
Pickles, right now, he's talking about a divorce.
627
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:10,684
From who?
628
00:20:10,784 --> 00:20:12,219
From me?
629
00:20:12,319 --> 00:20:15,556
Why, just because I sent that money?
630
00:20:15,656 --> 00:20:17,224
Pickles, it's not the money.
631
00:20:17,324 --> 00:20:19,827
Well, what is it then?
632
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:22,830
Pickles, Buddy thought that you and Floyd were--
633
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,498
Were what?
634
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,433
Well, you know.
635
00:20:26,533 --> 00:20:28,035
Oh!
636
00:20:28,135 --> 00:20:29,770
Oh, boy.
637
00:20:29,870 --> 00:20:31,238
Oh, he didn't think that.
638
00:20:31,338 --> 00:20:33,941
Not after all I've done for him, Rob.
639
00:20:34,041 --> 00:20:34,975
I've been a good wife.
640
00:20:35,075 --> 00:20:36,310
You know I've been a good wife.
641
00:20:36,410 --> 00:20:37,211
Pickles.
642
00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:38,712
I would never do a thing. Rob!
643
00:20:38,812 --> 00:20:39,746
What?
644
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:41,815
You know-- you know that I--
645
00:20:41,915 --> 00:20:44,985
I would--
646
00:20:45,085 --> 00:20:46,487
[thunk]
647
00:20:50,424 --> 00:20:51,558
Poor Pickles.
648
00:20:51,658 --> 00:20:53,393
What she must have gone through keeping that locked
649
00:20:53,494 --> 00:20:55,062
inside her all these years.
650
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:57,397
Well, I'm glad they're back together again.
651
00:20:57,498 --> 00:20:58,932
Oh, darling, one more thing.
652
00:20:59,032 --> 00:21:02,336
When Buddy came in, how'd he react to you?
653
00:21:02,436 --> 00:21:04,571
Well, I mean, you did say all those awful things
654
00:21:04,671 --> 00:21:05,839
about his wife.
655
00:21:05,939 --> 00:21:07,441
He didn't punch you in the nose, did he?
656
00:21:07,541 --> 00:21:08,675
Oh, no.
657
00:21:08,775 --> 00:21:11,678
No, he gave me a shot in the eye.
658
00:21:11,778 --> 00:21:12,646
You're kidding.
659
00:21:12,746 --> 00:21:14,815
Oh, he belted me a beaut.
660
00:21:14,915 --> 00:21:16,150
LAURA (ON PHONE): Oh, Rob.
661
00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:17,518
Yeah, but not because of the horrible things
662
00:21:17,618 --> 00:21:18,652
I said about Pickles.
663
00:21:18,752 --> 00:21:19,920
LAURA (ON PHONE): Well, why then?
664
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:21,321
Well, when he came home to get his dog,
665
00:21:21,421 --> 00:21:23,757
he thought that I was Floyd Bariscale having
666
00:21:23,857 --> 00:21:25,092
a tete e tete with Pickles.
667
00:21:25,192 --> 00:21:26,627
Before I could even say, hi, Buddy,
668
00:21:26,727 --> 00:21:28,562
he gave me a very sneaky right cross.
669
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:29,530
Pow.
670
00:21:29,630 --> 00:21:30,864
Did it hurt?
671
00:21:30,964 --> 00:21:34,001
Honey, what makes you think that a short,
672
00:21:34,101 --> 00:21:36,036
bare-fisted punch delivered by an enraged
673
00:21:36,136 --> 00:21:38,705
husband at point blank range to a naked
674
00:21:38,805 --> 00:21:41,575
eye would hurt a fellow any?
675
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,043
Honey, just turned down my bed.
676
00:21:43,143 --> 00:21:44,511
Prepare to tuck me in.
677
00:21:44,611 --> 00:21:47,414
Saving marriages is exhausting.
678
00:21:47,514 --> 00:21:49,950
Bye.
679
00:21:50,050 --> 00:21:51,418
Rob, how you feel?
680
00:21:51,518 --> 00:21:54,588
Buddy, I must say that was a very well aimed punch.
681
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:55,622
What well aimed?
682
00:21:55,722 --> 00:21:56,857
I was trying to hit Pickles.
683
00:22:00,594 --> 00:22:02,462
Could you hurry up with that raw steak for my eye?
684
00:22:02,563 --> 00:22:03,997
It's blowing up like a balloon.
685
00:22:04,097 --> 00:22:05,465
Yeah, Pickles-- Pickles, where's that steak for his eye?
686
00:22:05,566 --> 00:22:06,867
Where are you-- Pickles--
687
00:22:06,967 --> 00:22:07,968
PICKLES: I'm coming, I'm coming. - Where were you?
688
00:22:08,068 --> 00:22:09,102
What's taking you so long.
689
00:22:09,203 --> 00:22:10,437
Well, the steak was frozen stiff,
690
00:22:10,537 --> 00:22:12,606
so I didn't want to take the time to defrost it.
691
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:13,974
I made a few cold cuts.
692
00:22:16,343 --> 00:22:19,446
Well, I guess I'll take the corned beef.
693
00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:20,848
It's leaner.
694
00:22:20,948 --> 00:22:24,518
[music playing]
695
00:22:36,196 --> 00:22:37,798
You know, looking at this reminds me
696
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:39,666
of one of my favorite children's stories.
697
00:22:39,766 --> 00:22:41,001
What one's that?
698
00:22:41,101 --> 00:22:43,971
BOTH: "Black Beauty."
699
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:45,272
Kind of dashing though, isn't it?
700
00:22:45,372 --> 00:22:47,874
LAURA: Yeah, like were dashed against a wall.
701
00:22:47,975 --> 00:22:48,942
Does it hurt?
702
00:22:49,042 --> 00:22:50,277
Oh, I don't know.
703
00:22:50,377 --> 00:22:52,145
If you weight the pain against the results,
704
00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:53,680
I guess it was worth it.
705
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:56,984
I got a black eye, but Buddy and Pickles got each other.
706
00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:59,486
only guy who didn't get anything is Floyd B. Bariscale.
707
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:01,688
He's not going to get any more checks out of that.
708
00:23:01,788 --> 00:23:02,889
[doorbell rings]
709
00:23:02,990 --> 00:23:04,124
I'll get it, honey.
710
00:23:08,896 --> 00:23:10,030
Yes, sir.
711
00:23:10,130 --> 00:23:11,298
FLOYD B. BARISCALE: You Robert Petrie?
712
00:23:11,398 --> 00:23:12,432
Yes, sir.
713
00:23:12,532 --> 00:23:13,600
FLOYD B. BARISCALE: I got something for you.
714
00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:15,035
Oh, what?
715
00:23:15,135 --> 00:23:17,838
FLOYD B. BARISCALE: My name is Floyd B. Bariscale.
716
00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,506
[whack]
717
00:23:27,047 --> 00:23:28,181
Bye, Floyd.
718
00:23:32,719 --> 00:23:37,324
Honey, if any more of our friends want to get a divorce,
719
00:23:37,424 --> 00:23:38,959
let them.
720
00:23:39,059 --> 00:23:41,361
[music playing]
721
00:23:42,763 --> 00:23:46,233
[theme song]
48450
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