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[theme music]
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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyck, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Boy, this is really a very funny
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script, and a great guest star.
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Paula Marshall.
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Hey, we're in great shape this week.
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She's in great shape every week.
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You know, you can quote me on this.
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This show is going to be a smash.
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It can't miss.
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Well, unless the shape louses it up.
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And I hear Miss Marshall's a tough one.
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BUDDY: There he is folks, the poor man's nobody.
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That is the nicest thing that's been said to me all day.
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Well, where you been, Mel?
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Buddy's with us.
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I'm about at my wit's end.
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Well, that's a short trip.
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That woman and I have been at each other's throats
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for two days now.
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She wants to reorganize the entire show.
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She's a terror.
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[phone rings]
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Yeah, Marge?
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OK, I'll tell him.
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Thanks.
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Well, Miss Marshall is on her way up here.
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Oh, Marge must have told.
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I wish I could hide.
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Hey, quick, grow some hair.
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Well, Mel, look, maybe you're fighting her too hard.
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Why don't you just calm down, and lick-- and look
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at her-- listen to her.
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Listen to her?
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What else can I do?
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Well I don't know, Mel.
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She's a great talent.
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Maybe you ought to listen to her a little more.
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I tried listening to her, and if I tried any harder,
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I'd be out of a job.
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That was her last suggestion.
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Sounds like my kind of girl.
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Oh, am I in the right place?
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Well, you are as far as I am concerned.
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Hello, Miss Marshall.
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Hello.
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Oh, this is the writer's room where the real talent is.
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You're very, very kind.
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This is Miss Sally Rogers.
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Hi, Sally.
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What a darling outfit.
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Oh, thank you.
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And Buddy Sorrell.
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Hi, you like my outfit?
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I like your jokes.
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And I'm Rob Petrie.
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Of course you are.
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You're the head writer.
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Listen, I want to tell you that this script
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is great, really great.
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I haven't seen lines like this for years, not since Thurber.
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I love the show.
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ROB: Wow, coming from you, that's quite a compliment.
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It just pains me that I'm not going
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to be able to do the show.
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SALLY: You love it and you're not going to do it?
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I'm sorry.
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Maybe it's too good.
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Want us to rotten it up a little?
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What is it, Miss Marshall?
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This man, your producer, is planning
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on my working in a pink set.
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A pink set.
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Do you understand?
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Everything is pink.
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Miss Marshall, our show isn't in color.
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What difference does it make if it's pink?
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I react violently to pink.
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It upsets my equilibrium.
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I get dizzy and nauseous.
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Can you understand that?
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Well, some people are affected by color.
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A man who knows something.
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I love you.
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Why couldn't you be the producer?
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There's only one person that can replace me here.
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Woody Woodpecker.
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The only person that can replace anybody
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in our production staff is Alan Brady.
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Then let's get Mr. Brady on the phone.
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Uh-huh.
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Marge, get me on a line.
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Uh, Marge, get Alan Brady on the line for me, please.
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Rob, I wasn't joking when I said
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I'd like you to produce for me.
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Well--
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You'd like to, wouldn't you?
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Well, it-- it isn't that, Miss Marshall.
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Miss Marshall.
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Why so formal?
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Oh, boy, watch the Marshall plan go into action.
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Alan this is Mel.
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I have Miss Marshall here with me,
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and she would like to talk to you.
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Alan, dear, listen, I'm afraid I'm not going
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to be able to do the show.
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And Alan, now just a minute, remember your image.
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No, Mr. Cooley and I are just not getting along.
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No, no, not at all.
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But there is a darling, charming, wonderful man right
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here that I could work with.
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- Hold it. - Mr. Petrie.
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Hello.
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Yes, yes, Rob Petrie.
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He wants to talk to you.
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Yes, Alan?
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You want me to take a--
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well, that is a long weekend, Alan.
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From Tuesday to the following Monday?
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Yes, Alan, yes.
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Congratulations, you are the producer of this week's show.
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Wait a minute.
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Miss Marshall, I shall look forward again
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someday to perhaps almost working with you.
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Mel.
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BUDDY: Hey, how'd you do it?
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I've been trying to get rid of him for years.
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Now we're going to have loads of fun.
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See you later, staff.
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Bye, Rob.
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Goodbye, Miss Marshall.
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Paula-pu to you.
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And a Paula-pu to you.
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[music playing]
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ROB: Hello?
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Where's my loved ones?
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It's Daddy!
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And about time.
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You keep eating.
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Hello there, loved ones.
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Hi.
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I'm sorry I'm late, honey.
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What's in the package?
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Why don't you take a look for yourself?
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Hey, Mom, look, a sport race car.
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Rob, what's the occasion for this?
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It's a little gift from our guest star this week.
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Oh?
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Hey, Mom, can I go play with it?
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I don't want any more dinner.
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Yes, go ahead.
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Thanks, Mom!
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Did you have to give him that now?
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Don't feel so neglected.
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I brought you a present too.
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Also from your guest star?
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Mm-hm.
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Isn't that thoughtful?
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Who is he?
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Well, it is a she, Paula Marshall.
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Paula Marshall?
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Hmm.
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What kind of a "hmm" was that?
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Oh, I guess same kind of "hmm" any wife
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would use whose husband feels about Paula Marshall the way
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you do.
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How do you know how I feel about Paul-- how
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do you know I don't hate her?
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Darling, if you hated her, you wouldn't carry
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her picture in your wallet.
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What are you talking about?
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The wallet you got for Christmas last year.
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Her picture came in it, and you never took it out.
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Oh, I did so, honey.
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Oh.
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You know why I kept that?
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Because you love her?
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Well, that too, yeah.
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But mostly because she has a calendar on her back.
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That's last year's calendar, darling.
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It is?
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Well, I never-- never used it.
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Open your present, honey.
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Warda cologne.
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Uh-huh, isn't that something?
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It's Paula's own personal blend.
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How do you like it?
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I think it's a little too musty.
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Musty?
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Well, it doesn't smell musty on her.
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Oh, didn't it?
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Oh, you know, [stammers] how'd your day go?
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How did my day go?
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Well, darling, I'll tell you my day was just marvelous.
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First, the garbage disposal exploded
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and through our lovely garbage all over the room.
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The milk man came in, broke three quarts of milk, possibly
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his foot.
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We may be sued.
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- Oh, no! - Yes.
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And Ritchie came home and decided
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to do a mural in his room on the window shade.
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It was one of the truly great days, darling.
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And tell me, how was yours?
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Well, mine was pretty good.
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Oh?
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As a matter of fact, it was very good.
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I'm so glad.
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And tell me, what made your day so good?
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Well, I had a wonderful chicken fricassee for lunch.
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Oh.
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Oh, yeah, and-- and I was made the producer
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of the Alan Brady Show.
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You were?
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Well, how did that happen?
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What happened to Mel?
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Well, actually, it's only temporary.
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For a week.
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For some reason, Mel could not get along with Paula Marshall
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at all.
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Now I made a couple of-- just little suggestions,
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and she loves me.
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She loves you.
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Well, figure of speech, honey.
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You know, she goes overboard about everything.
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But the main thing is she wanted me to run that show, so I am.
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Oh.
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I mean, she is a persuasive young lady.
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But insecure, you know?
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Very insecure inside.
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I mean, she's got to have somebody with her every minute.
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And you're it.
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Well, honey, I'm the--
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the producer.
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Mhm.
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I see.
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Honey, she doesn't have any designs on me
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or anything like that.
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No.
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Look, honey, I have been around a little bit.
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I know when I'm being flirted with.
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This gal is all business.
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All business.
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Will you stop acting like a suspicious wife?
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Why don't you sit down, dear?
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Your dinner's ready.
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Oh, is it?
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I guess my pot roast can't really compete
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with your chicken fricassee.
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Well, actually, honey, we had this tremendous lunch today.
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You and Paula Marshall?
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Well, she dragged me to 21.
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Oh.
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But I'll--
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I'll eat it.
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No, please, darling, don't do me any favors.
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Look, honey, will you just cut it out?
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And we had a million things we had to discuss.
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You forget one thing.
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I came in late on this.
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She had to bring me up to date on the whole show.
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I mean, that's why I was late tonight.
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I understand, darling.
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Well, of course.
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And we had to go over every bit of the music for the show.
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Changed a lot of it.
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And then she insisted that I give her
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my opinion on every costume and dress
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she wore in the whole show.
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She modeled her clothes for you?
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Who?
274
00:09:03,518 --> 00:09:04,485
Oh, well, yeah.
275
00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:06,020
Naturally she did.
276
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,790
Tell me, where did the modeling take place?
277
00:09:08,890 --> 00:09:11,225
Well, not in the street certainly.
278
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:15,029
In her dressing room?
279
00:09:15,129 --> 00:09:16,798
Well, naturally, honey.
280
00:09:16,898 --> 00:09:18,866
You were alone with Paula Marshall,
281
00:09:18,966 --> 00:09:20,969
and she changed clothes?
282
00:09:21,069 --> 00:09:22,270
Honey, now there you go again.
283
00:09:22,370 --> 00:09:24,205
Come on, she was behind a screen.
284
00:09:24,305 --> 00:09:25,473
How high a screen?
285
00:09:31,045 --> 00:09:32,280
I don't know.
286
00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:33,881
You know, sometimes the longer we're married,
287
00:09:33,981 --> 00:09:36,351
each year somehow your faith in me shakes a little more easily.
288
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,086
Well, I just don't like it when
289
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,620
beautiful women think they can just
290
00:09:39,721 --> 00:09:40,955
twist you around their fingers.
291
00:09:41,055 --> 00:09:43,224
She is not twisting me around her finger.
292
00:09:43,324 --> 00:09:45,126
Just because we put a chicken fricassee, and I looked
293
00:09:45,226 --> 00:09:46,394
at a couple of her gowns.
294
00:09:46,494 --> 00:09:48,429
[phone rings]
295
00:09:50,732 --> 00:09:52,834
Hello?
296
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:53,968
Yes, he is.
297
00:09:54,068 --> 00:09:55,937
Just a moment, please.
298
00:09:56,037 --> 00:09:56,971
Miss Marshall.
299
00:09:57,071 --> 00:09:59,374
Oh.
300
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:00,742
Hi, how are you?
301
00:10:00,842 --> 00:10:03,978
No, no, we're not having dinner.
302
00:10:04,078 --> 00:10:05,613
What can I do for you?
303
00:10:05,713 --> 00:10:06,547
What?
304
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:07,648
No, I didn't forget.
305
00:10:07,749 --> 00:10:10,118
No, now really I--
306
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:13,087
oh, OK, Paula-pu.
307
00:10:21,562 --> 00:10:23,865
What's going on?
308
00:10:23,965 --> 00:10:25,833
Your dressing room.
309
00:10:25,933 --> 00:10:29,303
Well, no it didn't look particularly depressing to me.
310
00:10:29,404 --> 00:10:32,673
Oh, yeah, it's pink, and--
311
00:10:32,774 --> 00:10:35,410
Well, Paula, I'm-- I'm not sure that Alan would
312
00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:38,646
be interested in switching.
313
00:10:38,746 --> 00:10:39,814
Well, yeah, sure.
314
00:10:39,914 --> 00:10:41,249
I guess I could ask him, all right.
315
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,117
We want to keep you happy.
316
00:10:45,987 --> 00:10:47,188
OK.
317
00:10:47,288 --> 00:10:49,056
All right, well, how about in the morning?
318
00:10:49,157 --> 00:10:50,358
Fine.
319
00:10:50,458 --> 00:10:51,459
615.
320
00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:52,393
OK.
321
00:10:52,493 --> 00:10:53,428
Bye.
322
00:10:55,763 --> 00:10:58,199
She wants to talk about changing her whole dressing room.
323
00:10:58,299 --> 00:11:01,269
And you're going to discuss it at 6:15 AM?
324
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,737
No, no, 9:00 AM.
325
00:11:02,837 --> 00:11:05,006
What was the 615?
326
00:11:05,106 --> 00:11:07,442
That's-- that's her apartment number.
327
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,650
Honey, she wants to discuss a few things
328
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:17,819
at breakfast, that's all.
329
00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:19,387
I'm the producer.
330
00:11:19,487 --> 00:11:22,824
Doesn't mean you have to let her walk all over you, Rob.
331
00:11:22,924 --> 00:11:24,392
She is not walking all over me.
332
00:11:24,492 --> 00:11:26,127
Yes, she is, and you know it.
333
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,196
OK, but I'm the one she's walking on.
334
00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:30,498
Yes, but to get to you, she's walking all over me,
335
00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:32,767
and I don't think you want to let her get away with it.
336
00:11:32,867 --> 00:11:34,001
All right, I'll talk to her.
337
00:11:34,101 --> 00:11:34,936
When?
338
00:11:35,036 --> 00:11:36,871
Well, at 9:00 AM.
339
00:11:36,971 --> 00:11:38,973
In 615!
340
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,441
You know something, honey?
341
00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:42,743
You're acting very normal.
342
00:11:42,844 --> 00:11:43,778
That's it.
343
00:11:46,714 --> 00:11:50,251
[music playing]
344
00:11:53,387 --> 00:11:55,556
[intercom buzzes]
345
00:11:59,494 --> 00:12:00,495
Yes?
346
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:01,996
MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Mr. Petrie, Miss Rogers
347
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:03,564
and Mr. Sorrell are here.
348
00:12:03,664 --> 00:12:04,532
Oh, thank you.
349
00:12:04,632 --> 00:12:05,266
Thank you.
350
00:12:05,366 --> 00:12:06,734
Send them in.
351
00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:08,736
[intercom buzzes]
352
00:12:11,739 --> 00:12:14,375
Well, Mr. Petrie, it's awfully nice of you to see us.
353
00:12:14,475 --> 00:12:15,543
Yes, your Majesty.
354
00:12:15,643 --> 00:12:18,246
Gee, you're treating us like equals.
355
00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:19,780
Will you guys knock it off?
356
00:12:19,881 --> 00:12:21,182
We got a lot to do this morning.
357
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,350
Yeah, about what?
358
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,818
- About the script. - The script?
359
00:12:23,918 --> 00:12:25,119
Yesterday you were screaming.
360
00:12:25,219 --> 00:12:26,554
Said it's the funniest thing you ever read.
361
00:12:26,654 --> 00:12:29,123
Well, I'll admit it looked funny to me down there.
362
00:12:29,223 --> 00:12:30,057
Down there?
363
00:12:30,157 --> 00:12:31,859
Oh, come on, Rob.
364
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,228
Listen, you don't know how things look up here.
365
00:12:34,328 --> 00:12:35,630
It's different.
366
00:12:35,730 --> 00:12:38,266
The pressures up here are unbelievable In this--
367
00:12:38,366 --> 00:12:40,368
you writers are kind of lucky.
368
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,069
BOTH: We writers?
369
00:12:42,169 --> 00:12:43,070
All right, come on.
370
00:12:43,171 --> 00:12:44,438
I'm talking about this week.
371
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:45,873
I'm the producer, and you're the writers.
372
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,409
That's the situation we got to live with, that all.
373
00:12:48,509 --> 00:12:51,679
SALLY: Yeah, and you call that living.
374
00:12:51,779 --> 00:12:53,948
Oh, boy.
375
00:12:54,048 --> 00:12:55,683
This boy's a bundle of nerves.
376
00:12:55,783 --> 00:12:59,287
Looks more like a bundle of wet wash.
377
00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:03,124
The last 24 hours around this place have been murder.
378
00:13:03,224 --> 00:13:04,825
Marge, will you come in here a minute?
379
00:13:04,926 --> 00:13:07,161
ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): This is Alan Brady, who is this?
380
00:13:07,261 --> 00:13:08,396
Nobody.
381
00:13:10,798 --> 00:13:12,733
I've got the wrong one.
382
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,001
Which one was it that?
383
00:13:14,101 --> 00:13:15,803
Marge.
384
00:13:15,903 --> 00:13:17,572
So Marge, would you step in here just a second?
385
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:19,106
ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): This isn't Marge.
386
00:13:19,206 --> 00:13:20,741
Who is this?
387
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:23,177
Oh, boy, that thing is confusing.
388
00:13:23,277 --> 00:13:25,446
Which-- which one did I punch before?
389
00:13:25,546 --> 00:13:26,948
I think you hit the G chord.
390
00:13:27,048 --> 00:13:27,915
Oh, I know.
391
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:28,883
Yeah, this is Marge here.
392
00:13:28,983 --> 00:13:30,117
Marge?
393
00:13:30,217 --> 00:13:31,319
Marge?
394
00:13:33,921 --> 00:13:35,156
Alan?
395
00:13:35,256 --> 00:13:36,090
ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): Rob, stop playing
396
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,558
with those darn buttons!
397
00:13:43,764 --> 00:13:45,333
[intercom buzzes]
398
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:47,435
Ye-- yes.
399
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,836
MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Mr. Petrie, Miss
400
00:13:48,936 --> 00:13:50,404
Marshall is here to see you.
401
00:13:50,504 --> 00:13:52,273
Oh, it's nice to hear your voice.
402
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,278
Thank you very much.
403
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:58,913
Have her come in, will you.
404
00:13:59,013 --> 00:14:00,081
Glad she's here.
405
00:14:00,181 --> 00:14:01,115
At least now she can tell you what's
406
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:02,149
got to be done with this.
407
00:14:02,249 --> 00:14:03,751
Oh, everybody's here.
408
00:14:03,851 --> 00:14:05,152
Tremendous.
409
00:14:05,253 --> 00:14:06,554
Robert, did you go through all the changes with these people?
410
00:14:06,654 --> 00:14:07,989
Well, I didn't have a chance, Paula.
411
00:14:08,089 --> 00:14:09,190
They just got here.
412
00:14:09,290 --> 00:14:10,491
What sort of changes, Miss Marshall?
413
00:14:10,591 --> 00:14:12,326
There are dozens of places that need help,
414
00:14:12,426 --> 00:14:14,695
but there's one really deadly spot.
415
00:14:14,795 --> 00:14:15,529
What spot?
416
00:14:15,630 --> 00:14:16,564
We didn't write any deadlies.
417
00:14:16,664 --> 00:14:17,798
Well, this section right here.
418
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,100
Brady's magic act.
419
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,235
Brady's ma-- but that's no dead-- didn't you tell her
420
00:14:21,335 --> 00:14:23,270
about Brady's magic act, Robby?
421
00:14:23,371 --> 00:14:24,605
Well, yeah, I did, but I don't--
422
00:14:24,705 --> 00:14:26,240
I don't know. Paula may have something here.
423
00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:27,575
Yeah, but this is a running gag.
424
00:14:27,675 --> 00:14:29,277
You see, it's Alan's trademark.
425
00:14:29,377 --> 00:14:30,578
Trademark.
426
00:14:30,678 --> 00:14:32,380
Yeah, well, you see about four times a year
427
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:33,781
Alan does his magic act.
428
00:14:33,881 --> 00:14:36,484
It's lousy, but it shows his versatility.
429
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:37,485
What do you mean lousy?
430
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,086
He kills the people with it.
431
00:14:39,186 --> 00:14:44,225
I know, I know, but does he have to do it on my show?
432
00:14:44,325 --> 00:14:46,227
It's so corny.
433
00:14:46,327 --> 00:14:48,663
Well, what would you suggest, Miss Marshall?
434
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:53,167
Well, Robby had a fantastic idea.
435
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,002
Oh, did Robby?
436
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,537
Tell the, Robby.
437
00:14:56,637 --> 00:15:00,441
Well, it's not fantastic, and I think it was your idea.
438
00:15:00,541 --> 00:15:02,076
Oh, what's the difference whose idea?
439
00:15:02,176 --> 00:15:03,177
We're all one here, right?
440
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,111
Oh, yeah.
441
00:15:04,211 --> 00:15:05,046
Sure.
442
00:15:05,146 --> 00:15:06,447
I'm one.
443
00:15:06,547 --> 00:15:08,449
It's a beautiful, and it peps up the whole thing.
444
00:15:08,549 --> 00:15:09,383
Let's show them, Robby.
445
00:15:09,483 --> 00:15:10,751
Well, I'm not sure.
446
00:15:10,851 --> 00:15:12,353
Sure you're sure.
447
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,055
Do it for Paula-pu.
448
00:15:14,155 --> 00:15:15,089
ROB: OK.
449
00:15:15,189 --> 00:15:16,390
Now you sit down over there.
450
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:19,060
Now this is just to give you an idea, OK?
451
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,194
Now you stand over here.
452
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:21,862
Get your cards, get your cards out.
453
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,097
Now, he's Alan.
454
00:15:23,197 --> 00:15:24,198
Hey, he's Alan.
455
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:26,500
Gee, I remember when he was Mel.
456
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,935
Oh, I'll need some strip music.
457
00:15:28,035 --> 00:15:30,004
Sally, could you give me a good, heavy strip--
458
00:15:30,104 --> 00:15:31,172
You mean sing some strip--
459
00:15:31,272 --> 00:15:33,174
[vocalizing]
460
00:15:33,274 --> 00:15:34,241
But just a little bit--
461
00:15:34,341 --> 00:15:35,309
[vocalizing]
462
00:15:35,409 --> 00:15:37,645
--and I'm behind the curtain.
463
00:15:37,745 --> 00:15:38,579
Go, Robby.
464
00:15:38,679 --> 00:15:39,814
OK.
465
00:15:39,914 --> 00:15:43,217
Folks, for you now I'd like to do some card tricks,
466
00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,618
and you're going to love them.
467
00:15:44,719 --> 00:15:46,354
Just watch the movement on this one now, will you?
468
00:15:46,454 --> 00:15:47,288
Hit it, Sally.
469
00:15:47,388 --> 00:15:49,156
[vocalizing]
470
00:15:57,431 --> 00:15:58,265
Thank you very much.
471
00:15:58,365 --> 00:15:59,200
Thank you.
472
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:00,434
I'm glad you liked them.
473
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:01,402
This is Niagara Falls.
474
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:02,536
[sally vocalizes]
475
00:16:02,636 --> 00:16:03,838
How do you like that?
476
00:16:03,938 --> 00:16:05,873
Niagara Falls, thank you very much.
477
00:16:05,973 --> 00:16:08,876
Niagara Falls from the Canadian side.
478
00:16:08,976 --> 00:16:11,212
[sally vocalizes]
479
00:16:11,312 --> 00:16:12,213
[whistles]
480
00:16:12,313 --> 00:16:15,449
Yeah, OK, we get the idea.
481
00:16:15,549 --> 00:16:16,851
What do you think?
482
00:16:16,951 --> 00:16:18,753
Doesn't that give the whole act a new dimension?
483
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:20,254
Yeah, but I don't think Alan's going
484
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,655
to be too happy about your dimensions
485
00:16:21,756 --> 00:16:23,724
wiggling around in back him there.
486
00:16:23,824 --> 00:16:25,860
Oh, I don't think he'll be too upset.
487
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,695
He'll just kill all of us, that's all.
488
00:16:27,795 --> 00:16:29,330
We've got that all solved.
489
00:16:29,430 --> 00:16:30,564
Tell them, Robby.
490
00:16:30,664 --> 00:16:33,033
Well, [stammers] Paula thought maybe
491
00:16:33,134 --> 00:16:34,335
we do kind of as a surprise.
492
00:16:34,435 --> 00:16:37,271
A surprise?
493
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,806
He'll love it.
494
00:16:38,906 --> 00:16:40,341
You mean, just spring it at him while it's on the air?
495
00:16:40,441 --> 00:16:42,409
Well, that's what we-- that's what she thought.
496
00:16:42,510 --> 00:16:43,811
He'll get a kick out of it.
497
00:16:43,911 --> 00:16:47,481
Yeah, he'll kick us all right out of the building.
498
00:16:47,581 --> 00:16:49,683
Believe me, it's what this show needs.
499
00:16:49,784 --> 00:16:51,719
You got to stick your neck out once in a while.
500
00:16:51,819 --> 00:16:56,190
I think that's what they said to Marie Antoinette.
501
00:16:56,290 --> 00:16:58,692
Hey, Rob, you're not serious about doing this bit, are you?
502
00:16:58,793 --> 00:17:00,194
Well, it's different.
503
00:17:00,294 --> 00:17:01,829
Yeah, so is being unemployed.
504
00:17:01,929 --> 00:17:03,564
Alan may be thrown for a minute,
505
00:17:03,664 --> 00:17:05,099
but when he hears the laughs, he'll buy.
506
00:17:05,199 --> 00:17:08,269
Yeah, he'll buy a whole new set of writers.
507
00:17:08,369 --> 00:17:12,239
I'm afraid we're not going to be able to do it, Paula.
508
00:17:12,339 --> 00:17:13,140
What?
509
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,175
Uh, Paula-pu.
510
00:17:18,312 --> 00:17:19,947
Won't be able to do it?
511
00:17:20,047 --> 00:17:22,650
[stammers] It's just a little bit too risky.
512
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,852
I'm afraid Alan might be awfully upset by it.
513
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:28,522
He will.
514
00:17:28,622 --> 00:17:29,657
He'll be upset.
515
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:31,425
I am upset right now, Robby boy.
516
00:17:31,525 --> 00:17:32,760
You are?
517
00:17:32,860 --> 00:17:35,396
Well-- Paula, I'm sorry, but I'm the producer,
518
00:17:35,496 --> 00:17:36,797
and I just say there cannot-- there
519
00:17:36,897 --> 00:17:39,066
just can't be any dancing behind Alan's magic act,
520
00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:40,301
and that's it.
521
00:17:40,401 --> 00:17:41,402
Is it?
522
00:17:41,502 --> 00:17:42,636
Isn't it?
523
00:17:44,805 --> 00:17:46,874
P-- P-- Paula-pu look, I'm--
524
00:17:46,974 --> 00:17:49,577
I'm the-- I'm the producer, and there
525
00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:51,579
are certain contracts and legalities that I
526
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:52,913
can resort to if I have to.
527
00:17:53,013 --> 00:17:56,750
Oh, but no, you'd never do that Robby, darling.
528
00:17:56,851 --> 00:17:59,353
You're a gentleman, and you wouldn't want to upset me now,
529
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,821
would you?
530
00:18:00,921 --> 00:18:01,655
Well--
531
00:18:01,755 --> 00:18:03,958
Not a word to Alan about this.
532
00:18:14,435 --> 00:18:15,936
Oh, Robby, darling.
533
00:18:19,607 --> 00:18:23,878
Not a word of this to Alan.
534
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:24,612
Blek.
535
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:27,114
[music playing]
536
00:18:27,214 --> 00:18:28,048
ROB: You know what I am?
537
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,016
I'm a weasel.
538
00:18:29,116 --> 00:18:31,285
A stupid, senseless--
539
00:18:31,385 --> 00:18:32,186
Spineless.
540
00:18:32,286 --> 00:18:33,120
Thank you.
541
00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:34,121
Spineless weasel.
542
00:18:34,221 --> 00:18:35,356
She's walking all over you.
543
00:18:35,456 --> 00:18:36,257
Yeah.
544
00:18:36,357 --> 00:18:37,658
With high heels.
545
00:18:37,758 --> 00:18:38,926
You know what she's doing?
546
00:18:39,026 --> 00:18:40,561
She's leading me around by my nose
547
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,696
making me do things against my own better judgment.
548
00:18:42,796 --> 00:18:45,432
I haven't had a chance to go to the washroom.
549
00:18:45,532 --> 00:18:47,968
Well, darling, why do you let her do it?
550
00:18:48,068 --> 00:18:50,771
Because I-- I can't get her to listen to me, you know?
551
00:18:50,871 --> 00:18:54,808
She's a sweet, smiling steamroller.
552
00:18:54,909 --> 00:18:57,811
Well, there's got to be some way to stop a steamroller.
553
00:18:57,912 --> 00:19:00,014
I mean, besides throwing yourself in front of it.
554
00:19:00,114 --> 00:19:02,049
I don't know how else to stop her unless I fire her,
555
00:19:02,149 --> 00:19:02,983
and I can't fire her.
556
00:19:03,083 --> 00:19:04,551
Hey, Dad, fix my car, will you?
557
00:19:04,652 --> 00:19:05,486
It's broke.
558
00:19:05,586 --> 00:19:06,754
The wheel came off.
559
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:08,255
Oh, yeah, will you wait just a second?
560
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:09,857
We're right in the middle of something, Rich.
561
00:19:09,957 --> 00:19:11,292
But, Dad, I want to play with it.
562
00:19:11,392 --> 00:19:12,693
Just put the wheel on.
563
00:19:12,793 --> 00:19:14,595
Oh, Rich, in just a minute, when we're through.
564
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,297
But I've been waiting all day.
565
00:19:16,397 --> 00:19:17,565
Just fix the wheel!
566
00:19:17,665 --> 00:19:20,301
Ritchie, listen, if you don't stop that,
567
00:19:20,401 --> 00:19:21,468
I'm going to give you a spanking.
568
00:19:21,568 --> 00:19:22,603
You understand that? But it's easy.
569
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:23,904
All you--
570
00:19:24,004 --> 00:19:25,272
Ritchie, stop it, dear, and go to your room.
571
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:26,307
OK.
572
00:19:37,384 --> 00:19:38,652
He did it.
573
00:19:38,752 --> 00:19:40,054
Well, of course he did.
574
00:19:40,154 --> 00:19:41,622
If he didn't listen, he was going to be punished,
575
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,924
and he knew it.
576
00:19:44,024 --> 00:19:47,227
Yeah, but honey, I threatened to spank him.
577
00:19:47,328 --> 00:19:51,832
And I never spank him, and he knows that, right.
578
00:19:51,932 --> 00:19:53,033
Honey, would you do me a favor?
579
00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:54,134
Mhm.
580
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:55,569
Would you come down to my office tomorrow
581
00:19:55,669 --> 00:19:58,572
morning, and talk to Paula like that?
582
00:19:58,672 --> 00:19:59,640
No, what, doggonne it.
583
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:00,808
What am I talking about?
584
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:01,842
I'll go down to the office tomorrow,
585
00:20:01,942 --> 00:20:02,876
and I'll talk to her like that.
586
00:20:02,977 --> 00:20:03,944
And I'm gonna mean it.
587
00:20:04,044 --> 00:20:05,546
And what if she doesn't listen?
588
00:20:05,646 --> 00:20:07,081
I'll spank her.
589
00:20:07,181 --> 00:20:10,718
[music playing]
590
00:20:11,885 --> 00:20:16,256
[intercom buzzes]
591
00:20:16,357 --> 00:20:17,424
Yeah?
592
00:20:17,524 --> 00:20:18,425
MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Mr. Petrie, Miss
593
00:20:18,525 --> 00:20:19,760
Marshall is here to see you.
594
00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:21,061
Oh, thank you very much.
595
00:20:21,161 --> 00:20:22,663
Would you ask her to come right in, Marge?
596
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:23,697
I'm here, Rob.
597
00:20:23,797 --> 00:20:24,865
What is it?
598
00:20:24,965 --> 00:20:26,200
Oh, hi. Would you come and sit down?
599
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:27,701
I'd like to discuss something with you.
600
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:30,404
Rob, I have a full day's rehearsal.
601
00:20:30,504 --> 00:20:32,039
Please?
602
00:20:32,139 --> 00:20:34,842
You really shouldn't bother me today, Robby.
603
00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:36,710
Well, why shouldn't I bother you?
604
00:20:36,810 --> 00:20:38,479
I'm the producer.
605
00:20:38,579 --> 00:20:39,747
Of course you are.
606
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:41,648
OK, Herr producer, you have one minute.
607
00:20:41,749 --> 00:20:42,549
Make it fast.
608
00:20:42,649 --> 00:20:43,751
What is it?
609
00:20:43,851 --> 00:20:47,154
Well, Miss Marshall, Paula, I know
610
00:20:47,254 --> 00:20:49,189
I'm a little bit new at being a producer of the show
611
00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:51,392
and everything, but I think I know also
612
00:20:51,492 --> 00:20:54,028
that that original script that we wrote for you
613
00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,196
was a pretty darn good script.
614
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:57,164
Now just a minute.
615
00:20:57,264 --> 00:20:58,298
Wait, I'm not finished.
616
00:20:58,399 --> 00:21:01,535
Now here's what we're going to have to do.
617
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:04,438
We're going to have to do the script, the original, just
618
00:21:04,538 --> 00:21:07,241
exactly as it was written with no changes in it,
619
00:21:07,341 --> 00:21:09,676
and no surprises.
620
00:21:09,777 --> 00:21:13,380
And-- and that's what we're going to have to do.
621
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,515
That's all I had to say.
622
00:21:14,615 --> 00:21:17,251
You can go back to rehearsal now.
623
00:21:17,351 --> 00:21:20,154
Whom do you think you're talking to?
624
00:21:20,254 --> 00:21:22,690
Well, I-- I think I'm talking to one of my very,
625
00:21:22,790 --> 00:21:24,091
very favorite performers.
626
00:21:24,191 --> 00:21:26,226
But that doesn't alter my decision at all.
627
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:29,563
The show has to go as written, and that means no striptease
628
00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:31,899
behind Alan Brady's magic act.
629
00:21:34,435 --> 00:21:37,671
How would you like it if I walked off your show?
630
00:21:37,771 --> 00:21:39,139
I don't know.
631
00:21:39,239 --> 00:21:40,674
How would you like it if I brought you up on charges?
632
00:21:40,774 --> 00:21:41,608
Brought me up on charges.
633
00:21:41,709 --> 00:21:42,543
Mhm.
634
00:21:42,643 --> 00:21:43,744
You wouldn't.
635
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:45,312
Oh, yes.
636
00:21:45,412 --> 00:21:47,281
If you're-- if you're serious about walking off the show.
637
00:21:47,381 --> 00:21:48,515
Oh, I'm serious.
638
00:21:48,615 --> 00:21:53,887
Well, so am I. Marge, would you get me Miss Sachs
639
00:21:53,987 --> 00:21:55,255
up in the legal department?
640
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:56,790
ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): Will you cut that--
641
00:22:00,727 --> 00:22:03,097
Would you get me Miss Sachs up in the legal department,
642
00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:03,931
please?
643
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,432
MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Yes, sir.
644
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:06,567
You're serious?
645
00:22:06,667 --> 00:22:08,035
You'd really go through with this?
646
00:22:08,135 --> 00:22:11,872
To ensure a good show, certainly.
647
00:22:11,972 --> 00:22:15,476
And you think that my suggestions would make it bad?
648
00:22:15,576 --> 00:22:18,378
I think that your suggestions would make it terrible.
649
00:22:18,479 --> 00:22:20,447
[intercom buzzes]
650
00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:21,682
Yes?
651
00:22:21,782 --> 00:22:23,150
MARGE (ON INTERCOM): Ruth Sachs on one.
652
00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:24,451
Thank you.
653
00:22:24,551 --> 00:22:26,053
OK, what's it going to be now?
654
00:22:26,153 --> 00:22:27,721
Will you go back to rehearsal or shall I have a little chat here
655
00:22:27,821 --> 00:22:29,890
with the legal department?
656
00:22:29,990 --> 00:22:33,060
Couldn't we at least show the magic act to Alan?
657
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:34,595
Yeah, I think we could do that.
658
00:22:34,695 --> 00:22:35,696
It wouldn't be unreasonable.
659
00:22:35,796 --> 00:22:36,663
Thank you.
660
00:22:36,763 --> 00:22:37,798
You're welcome.
661
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:40,868
You may go back to rehearsal now.
662
00:22:40,968 --> 00:22:44,271
I will go back to rehearsal when I am ready.
663
00:22:44,371 --> 00:22:45,272
I'm ready.
664
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:58,619
Marge, would you tell Miss Sachs up in legal department
665
00:22:58,719 --> 00:22:59,953
I won't be needing her.
666
00:23:00,053 --> 00:23:02,089
Oh, and tell Buddy and Sally that we're using
667
00:23:02,189 --> 00:23:04,391
the original script as written.
668
00:23:04,491 --> 00:23:05,926
Yes, Mr. Petrie.
669
00:23:10,297 --> 00:23:13,066
And Marge, would you send a dozen roses
670
00:23:13,167 --> 00:23:14,968
to Miss Paula Marshall, please?
671
00:23:15,068 --> 00:23:17,137
And order me about two dozen roses for my wife.
672
00:23:17,237 --> 00:23:18,539
ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): What do you
673
00:23:18,639 --> 00:23:19,606
want me to write on the card?
674
00:23:22,709 --> 00:23:24,211
Hi, Alan.
675
00:23:24,311 --> 00:23:25,679
ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): Rob, will you stop playing producer,
676
00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:27,414
and get down to the rehearsal?
677
00:23:27,514 --> 00:23:28,348
Yes, sir.
678
00:23:28,448 --> 00:23:31,018
Right away, sir.
679
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,486
Marge, I'm going down to rehearsal hall.
680
00:23:32,586 --> 00:23:34,221
ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): Will you just go?
681
00:23:34,321 --> 00:23:35,389
I'll tell Marge.
682
00:23:35,489 --> 00:23:36,790
OK, Alan, I'm going.
683
00:23:36,890 --> 00:23:38,826
ALAN BRADY (ON INTERCOM): And click off the intercom, please?
684
00:23:38,926 --> 00:23:42,663
Will you stop fooling around and just--
685
00:23:42,763 --> 00:23:44,998
[music playing]
686
00:23:45,732 --> 00:23:46,800
Here you are, honey.
687
00:23:46,900 --> 00:23:48,802
Two dozen red little thank you notes.
688
00:23:48,902 --> 00:23:50,370
Oh, darling.
689
00:23:50,470 --> 00:23:52,639
You had it out with Paula Marshall, huh?
690
00:23:52,739 --> 00:23:53,907
Oh, yes, and I won.
691
00:23:54,007 --> 00:23:55,209
You didn't spank her?
692
00:23:55,309 --> 00:23:56,143
Yes, I did.
693
00:23:56,243 --> 00:23:56,877
Where?
694
00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:58,178
Right in the office.
695
00:23:58,278 --> 00:23:58,912
Oh.
696
00:23:59,012 --> 00:24:00,581
- Yes. - You didn't.
697
00:24:00,681 --> 00:24:01,648
Yeah.
698
00:24:01,748 --> 00:24:03,016
Not physically really.
699
00:24:03,116 --> 00:24:04,484
You know something, it may not show,
700
00:24:04,585 --> 00:24:06,920
but I got a lot of hidden authority in me.
701
00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:08,121
Give me a kiss.
702
00:24:11,291 --> 00:24:12,826
You know, you are masterful.
703
00:24:12,926 --> 00:24:14,061
I am.
704
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:15,195
Darling, would you put these in water
705
00:24:15,295 --> 00:24:16,530
while I finish setting the table?
706
00:24:16,630 --> 00:24:20,267
No, you do that, Happens to be woman's work
707
00:24:20,367 --> 00:24:22,035
All right, and while I'm doing woman's
708
00:24:22,135 --> 00:24:25,839
work, what is my big masterful husband going to do?
709
00:24:25,939 --> 00:24:28,909
I'm going to be doing man's work.
710
00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:29,843
Take out the garbage.
711
00:24:29,943 --> 00:24:32,312
Stand aside.
712
00:24:32,412 --> 00:24:35,349
[music playing]
713
00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:48,962
[theme music]
48309
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