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[theme song]
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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Perfect.
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No mistakes.
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My mother's going to be so happy.
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She could never read my handwriting.
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Wow, listen, it's a great practice for me too.
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I love you doing my letters,
but believe me it's not worth it.
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Rob's never going to let you work in his office.
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Besides why do you want to go to work?
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I don't really, it's just that Rob needs me.
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Well, does Rob know that?
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Well, I've been hinting.
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It's just that he hasn't noticed so far.
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Did Sally say how long her leave
of absence is going to last?
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No, I guess it'll be just as long as Stevie Parsons
wants her as a guest on his television show.
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I saw her last night, and she was so funny.
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She invited every single man from the
state of Vermont to a home cooked dinner.
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She was having such fun.
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Well, while Sally's been having fun, Rob and
Buddy have been floundering around that office.
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You mean they really need three writers to do the show?
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Three writers and a typist.
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And when Sally left, they lost two of those things.
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Well I thought they hired a girl to type.
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They've gone through four so far.
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When Rob finally decides that he needs me, I would
like these nimble fingers to be ready to serve him.
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You're such a person.
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Well, listen, he needs me.
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He'll recognize it sooner or later.
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How can you be so sure?
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Because every night he's been coming home
louder and later and with bigger heartburn.
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Rob has heartburn?
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And you know he didn't have it while Sally was there.
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It just started since then.
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Oh, he comes in the front door, slams it, says hi to me,
doesn't kiss me, throws the paper on the table, and burps.
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Mister class?
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ROB: Oh, doggone it!
49
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Ole.
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Hi.
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How's the new girl working out, darling?
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Fired her, huh?
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Yeah.
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What a shame.
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[music playing]
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Feeling any better, dear?
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Well, I still got heartburn.
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That's a shame, darling.
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Oh, don't mess up those recipe cards there, OK?
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OK, what's for dinner.
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Veal scallopini.
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Well, why are we having that?
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Because I just came across it in the recipe
cards while I was retyping them today.
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- Is that what these are? - Yeah.
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You know, I didn't realize it,
but we must have over 400 recipes.
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Mhm, must have taken you about all day to type those up, huh?
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No, no, a couple of hours.
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Just whipped right through them.
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Why?
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Why?
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Well, I just thought it'd be a good idea to have a nice,
neat perfectly typed list of foods, and I don't know.
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I have a lot of time on my
hands, like I do most every day.
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And I just wanted to do something constructive.
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We could use a new garage.
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Honey, we hired a new girl today.
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Oh?
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Yeah.
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Alan Brady's niece.
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Slight case of nepotism.
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She's going to start in the morning, so if you're
thinking of retyping the phone book, don't.
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You don't sound too happy with her.
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Well, I-- think she's a little bit of
a giggler, but I think she'll work out.
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Well, that doesn't really sound like your type, darling.
91
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You know the type you need, darling?
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Honey, the job is filled, and you are not the type.
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Oh, Rob, why do you have to be so stubborn about this?
94
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You come home every night complaining about
how hard it is to work with strangers.
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You're the only one who disagrees with me.
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Why won't you just let me try to help you?
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Honey, I just don't think you and I would be happy
as marriage partners and as business partners.
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Isn't that silly?
102
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Darling, don't you realize that
in the office you'd be the boss?
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You know what I mean, darling.
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It's just that I want to do something to help you.
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You want to do something to help me, then feed me.
107
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Oh, Rob, not that kind of help.
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I mean like Madame Curie and Mrs. Roebling.
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Mrs. Roebling.
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Well, yeah, she's the lady who took over after her
husband died, and finished building the Brooklyn Bridge.
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I want to be that kind of help to you, darling.
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OK, OK.
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Really?
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Yep.
117
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The next time I start a bridge, you.
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Oh.
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[music playing]
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Jackie, would you were read back what we have so far now?
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Ah, ah.
122
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Uncle Alan says, good evening, folks,
and walks over to the orchestra leader.
124
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You know, I could just see him doing that.
125
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He walks so funny.
126
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Hi, there.
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Hey, hiya, Sal.
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Hi, Sal.
129
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Oh, hello, Miss Rogers.
130
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I saw you on TV last night.
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You were just marvelous.
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SALLY: Oh, thank you very much.
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ROB: Say, Jackie, look, why don't you call it a day?
134
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It's almost 2 o'clock.
135
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There's no sense waiting until the last minute.
136
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Oh, thank you.
137
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But I'll be in bright and early.
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ROB: OK.
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Bye.
140
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ROB: Bye.
141
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She ought to see a doctor about
those fits of emotion like that.
143
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You know, we promised Alan that Buddy and I would
try her one more day, but we can't take it.
145
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It's the first time I ever saw Alan spelled with five Ls.
146
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Sal, these secretaries we're
getting aren't working out for us.
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Oh, come on, Rob, it's be as bad as all that.
149
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I am not kidding you.
150
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Buddy and I figure that if you're not coming back, we
should get another lady writer, as much as we hate to.
152
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Well, gee, Rob.
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I don't know what to tell you.
154
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I mean, the way it stands now, Stevie
Parsons is about to offer me a big deal.
156
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Well, that puts us right back where we were.
157
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Two writers in search of a typist.
158
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So far we've had a giggler,
a gum popper, and a girdle snapper.
160
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You know where you can find a typist
that doesn't snap, giggle, or pop?
162
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That's why I came in.
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I heard about miss giggler, and I figured the
least I could do is help you find somebody else.
165
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And I have found the perfect girl.
166
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You're kidding.
167
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Now how does this sound?
168
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She's young, beautiful, knows about
show business and, types like the wind.
170
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This girl typed like the wind.
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She blew every word.
172
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Yes, Rob, this girl is really
great, and she's happily married.
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Hello?
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Hi, hi, this is Sally.
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Say-- say hello to your new boss.
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Hi, there this is Rob Petrie down at "The Alan Brady Show,"
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Sally Rogers has told me some very nice things about you.
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LAURA (ON PHONE): Rob?
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Yeah, Rob Petrie. What's your name?
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Laura Petrie.
182
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Oh, now wait a minute, Rob.
183
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She didn't know I was going to do this.
184
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Well, yeah, how's come she answered the phone then?
185
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Well, maybe it rang.
186
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It rang, and I called her.
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Here.
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You're still there?
189
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Yes, I'm still here.
190
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Sorry I yelled, honey, but Sally got cute, and told me she knew
of this great girl, and I figured you probably put her up to it.
193
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Oh, I see.
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In other words, this girl sounded great
until you found out it was me, huh?
196
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Oh, Rob, doesn't that prove anything to you?
197
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No, it doesn't.
198
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I told you, if you weren't my wife, you'd be just perfect.
199
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Rob, I told you I just want to help you.
200
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Look not a week would go by before there'd
be trouble - Hey, Rob, hold it. - What?
202
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It'll only take a week before we'll
know what's going to be with Sally.
204
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Yeah, that's right, Rob.
205
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Yeah, come on.
206
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What have you got to lose?
207
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All right, Mrs. Petrie,
can you start for us in the morning?
209
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Yes, sir.
210
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Mr. Petrie, I want you to know something.
211
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I love you.
212
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Yeah, well, we'll put an end to that.
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[music playing]
214
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BUDDY: Oh, Alan walks in, and he's
got on this skin diving outfit, see?
216
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And he walks into the man, and he says are you
the president of the Turner Soup Company?
218
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ROB: Yeah, and the boss says, who are you?
219
00:09:03,117 --> 00:09:06,821
And he says-- BUDDY: He says I'm the
guy you hired to dive into your soup.
221
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Did you get it?
222
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LAURA: Yeah.
223
00:09:08,856 --> 00:09:10,158
Buddy, just a second.
224
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I think you're going a little bit too fast here.
225
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Stop.
226
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Dives into your soup.
227
00:09:13,127 --> 00:09:14,595
Not too fast at all.
228
00:09:14,696 --> 00:09:17,332
Honey, you realize we got to have two
carbons on each one of these things.
230
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:18,499
Yes, I know that, darling.
231
00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:20,735
Original, carbon one, and carbon two.
232
00:09:20,835 --> 00:09:24,706
Oh, well, that's very good.
233
00:09:24,806 --> 00:09:26,174
Hey, Rob, she's great.
234
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Fire away, gentlemen.
235
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ROB: OK, so Alan says, what's your problem?
236
00:09:32,213 --> 00:09:38,419
BUDDY: Oh, and he says the problem is we're having trouble
with our 50,000 gallon vat of chicken gumbo soup.
239
00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:40,121
Oh, that's right. You can put that down.
240
00:09:40,221 --> 00:09:41,489
That's good. - Got it.
241
00:09:41,589 --> 00:09:43,591
ROB: So Alan says, well, what's your problem?
242
00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:46,294
And he says-- Oh,
and Alan says what's your problem?
244
00:09:46,394 --> 00:09:51,466
And he says, you're not going to get me to dive
into that 50,000 gallon vat of chicken gumbo soup.
247
00:09:51,566 --> 00:09:53,568
The last time I did, I was attacked by a giant gumbo.
248
00:09:53,668 --> 00:09:56,471
Giant gumbo, that's good.
249
00:09:56,571 --> 00:09:57,872
That's wonderful.
250
00:09:57,972 --> 00:09:59,407
Well, it's a formula joke.
251
00:09:59,507 --> 00:10:02,043
They usually-- they always work.
252
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,611
Look, why don't we quit and go to lunch?
253
00:10:03,711 --> 00:10:04,545
No, I'm hot as a pistol.
254
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,314
Why don't we-- Whatever you
say, darling.
255
00:10:06,414 --> 00:10:07,749
Well, I'm kind of hungry.
256
00:10:07,849 --> 00:10:09,350
Why don't we quit, huh?
257
00:10:09,450 --> 00:10:12,186
All right, well, then I'll see you two back
here in an hour, right? - Well, wait a minute.
259
00:10:12,286 --> 00:10:14,355
Where are you going?
We'll take you to lunch No, no.
261
00:10:14,455 --> 00:10:15,957
I know you and Buddy like to browse the discount stores.
262
00:10:16,057 --> 00:10:18,726
Yeah, my wife don't care what I buy, as long as it's cheap.
263
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,962
Well, whatever it is, you do two do it yourself.
264
00:10:21,062 --> 00:10:23,831
I'm not going to interfere just
because I'm married to the boss.
266
00:10:23,931 --> 00:10:24,966
I'll see you in an hour, huh.
267
00:10:25,066 --> 00:10:25,900
Fine.
268
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,569
Fine, in an hour.
269
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:30,405
Rob, I don't know what you're worried about.
270
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:31,105
She's perfect.
271
00:10:31,205 --> 00:10:33,141
Oh, perfect all right.
272
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:34,609
Hey, what's bugging you?
273
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:39,814
Buddy, I feel like a schoolboy in class on parents
day with my mother peeking over my shoulder.
275
00:10:43,751 --> 00:10:45,453
[music playing]
276
00:10:45,553 --> 00:10:47,155
Well, that takes care of the dishes.
277
00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:48,956
Would you like a mint, darling?
278
00:10:49,056 --> 00:10:49,924
No, no, thanks.
279
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,025
How about some more coffee?
280
00:10:51,125 --> 00:10:52,226
No, no, thanks.
281
00:10:52,326 --> 00:10:54,595
Oh, was it too strong?
282
00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:56,364
No, it was perfect.
283
00:10:56,464 --> 00:10:59,367
Darling, do you think I put too much wine in the duck?
284
00:11:02,770 --> 00:11:06,874
No, it was a perfect duck, perfect, perfect wine.
285
00:11:06,974 --> 00:11:08,042
That pie though.
286
00:11:08,142 --> 00:11:09,577
I have to apologize for that pie.
287
00:11:09,677 --> 00:11:12,313
The meringue was too Steve stiff, the lemon was too tart.
288
00:11:12,413 --> 00:11:15,316
It was-- I should have used one of those package mixes.
289
00:11:15,416 --> 00:11:20,254
Honey, the lemon pie was perfect.
290
00:11:20,354 --> 00:11:22,590
You didn't think the crust was a little soggy?
291
00:11:22,690 --> 00:11:24,192
The pie was perfect.
292
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:26,527
The dinner was perfect.
293
00:11:26,627 --> 00:11:29,697
Everything you did at the office today was perfect.
294
00:11:29,797 --> 00:11:30,731
Perfect.
295
00:11:33,534 --> 00:11:35,169
You're just saying that, Rob.
296
00:11:35,269 --> 00:11:36,671
No, no. No, I mean it.
297
00:11:36,771 --> 00:11:38,039
I mean it.
298
00:11:38,139 --> 00:11:43,644
Today, you have been the most perfect person in the world.
299
00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:50,885
As a matter of fact, if you do one more perfect thing
today, I'm going to put my fist right through that wall.
301
00:11:50,985 --> 00:11:51,853
Rob!
302
00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:53,187
I-- I won't.
303
00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:57,358
If I do, you'll probably replaster
it perfect, and I feel even worse.
305
00:11:57,458 --> 00:11:59,994
Rob, what kind of an attitude is this?
306
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:00,928
I don't know.
307
00:12:01,028 --> 00:12:02,330
I don't know.
308
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:06,100
It is a brand new one,
and I'm no crazier about it than you are.
310
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,936
I'm probably just being a sore loser I guess.
311
00:12:09,036 --> 00:12:10,071
No, you're not.
312
00:12:10,171 --> 00:12:11,506
You are not a sore loser, darling.
313
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:12,640
You want to know what it is?
314
00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:14,275
I'm a bad winner.
315
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:17,378
I've been flaunting my success.
316
00:12:17,478 --> 00:12:20,047
You have, you know?
317
00:12:20,147 --> 00:12:21,349
I know.
318
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,217
And I apologize, darling.
319
00:12:23,317 --> 00:12:25,186
I was just being a female.
320
00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:27,855
Well, don't quit that.
321
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:31,025
Haven't you noticed, honey, today I wasn't very productive?
322
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:32,527
I wasn't very funny.
323
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:36,264
Listen, darling, it was a new experience for us both.
324
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:38,533
Anyway, let's not fight about it.
325
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,269
We don't have anything to fight about, you know?
326
00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:44,572
[music playing]
327
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:48,042
All right, that does it.
328
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,377
What's the matter?
329
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:50,811
Are you trying to make me mad?
330
00:12:50,912 --> 00:12:52,179
Are you trying to make me mad?
331
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,181
Well, what is it?
332
00:12:53,281 --> 00:12:54,382
That was a perfect kiss.
333
00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:55,082
Oh!
334
00:12:55,182 --> 00:12:58,286
Where's that wall?
335
00:12:58,386 --> 00:13:00,922
Would you like some real cream or some real sugar?
336
00:13:01,022 --> 00:13:03,391
Nope, too much real fat.
337
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:06,060
Hey, Rob, since Laura's been here,
everything's going just great.
339
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,095
Boy, she could do everything.
340
00:13:08,195 --> 00:13:11,799
Hey, I bet she even sharpened the darts.
341
00:13:11,899 --> 00:13:14,936
She's-- she's been very, very efficient.
342
00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:15,836
Hey, where is she now?
343
00:13:15,937 --> 00:13:17,238
I don't know.
344
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:20,041
She's probably down the studio repairing a camera.
345
00:13:20,141 --> 00:13:21,442
Hey, what are you sore about?
346
00:13:21,542 --> 00:13:22,143
Sore?
347
00:13:22,243 --> 00:13:23,711
I'm not sore.
348
00:13:23,811 --> 00:13:24,512
Oh, no?
349
00:13:24,612 --> 00:13:25,546
Boy, you're sore all right.
350
00:13:25,646 --> 00:13:26,814
And you know why you're sore?
351
00:13:26,914 --> 00:13:29,717
Because you said things wouldn't work out, and
they're working out, and that's why you're sore.
353
00:13:29,817 --> 00:13:32,286
I am not sore.
354
00:13:32,386 --> 00:13:34,055
Hi, sorry I'm late.
355
00:13:34,155 --> 00:13:35,523
I ran into Mel down the hall.
356
00:13:35,623 --> 00:13:37,558
He asked me to type up a few schedules for him.
357
00:13:37,658 --> 00:13:39,126
Hey, Laura, this coffee's wonderful.
358
00:13:39,226 --> 00:13:40,061
Not too strong?
359
00:13:40,161 --> 00:13:41,662
BUDDY: No.
360
00:13:41,762 --> 00:13:46,267
Perfect All right, where were we when we stopped last night?
361
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,503
Just finished the second half of the
news in three different countries.
363
00:13:49,604 --> 00:13:51,439
We did Russia and England.
364
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,574
Oh, yeah, I had an idea on that.
365
00:13:53,674 --> 00:13:59,580
We should make the third country Germany
and Alan can do his German scientist.
367
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,882
He'll come in in a frock coat with a monocle.
368
00:14:01,983 --> 00:14:04,986
He'll have a Vienna roll in his pocket.
369
00:14:05,086 --> 00:14:06,253
What's the matter?
370
00:14:06,354 --> 00:14:12,460
Well, I don't like to butt in, darling, but don't you think it's
a little soon for Alan to repeat the German scientist character?
373
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,528
I mean, he did it on last week's show.
374
00:14:14,629 --> 00:14:16,130
BUDDY: Hey, you know, she's right.
375
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,031
She's got a point there.
376
00:14:17,131 --> 00:14:18,366
LAURA: Yeah.
377
00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:21,235
Well, look, it doesn't make a bit of
difference as long as it's funny, that's all.
379
00:14:21,335 --> 00:14:23,104
Now come on, a German scientist. Let's go.
380
00:14:23,204 --> 00:14:27,208
LAURA: Yeah, but, darling, didn't you always tell me
that you don't like to repeat characters too often?
383
00:14:27,308 --> 00:14:28,676
That it's not a good idea?
384
00:14:28,776 --> 00:14:31,245
I know I said that, but it's not a hard and fast rule.
385
00:14:31,345 --> 00:14:36,350
There are exceptions, and it takes a professional to
know when the exceptions are and when to use them.
388
00:14:36,450 --> 00:14:40,788
Now come on, a German scientist with a frock coat,
and a monocle, and a Vienna roll in his pocket.
390
00:14:40,888 --> 00:14:42,923
All right, where do we go from there?
391
00:14:43,024 --> 00:14:44,125
Well, I don't know.
392
00:14:44,225 --> 00:14:45,993
Let's ad-lib some questions and see.
393
00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:47,061
And I'll be a reporter.
394
00:14:47,161 --> 00:14:48,362
ROB: OK.
395
00:14:48,462 --> 00:14:50,031
Doctor, what kind of a scientist are you?
396
00:14:50,131 --> 00:14:57,204
[german accent] Well, I am in charge of training astronauts--
[normal voice] wait a minute, make that dirt-tronauts.
398
00:14:57,304 --> 00:14:58,873
Hey, that's good.
399
00:14:58,973 --> 00:14:59,974
What's dirt-tronauts?
400
00:15:00,074 --> 00:15:04,412
Well, they shoot these guys into
the Earth instead of out of it, see?
402
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:05,713
Now, that's funny.
403
00:15:05,813 --> 00:15:06,447
Thank you.
404
00:15:06,547 --> 00:15:07,348
LAURA: Very good.
405
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:08,315
Thank you.
406
00:15:08,416 --> 00:15:10,017
Next question.
407
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:13,320
Doctor, what is the main danger in a trip of this sort?
408
00:15:13,421 --> 00:15:15,589
What is the main danger in a trip of this sort?
409
00:15:15,690 --> 00:15:22,296
The main danger would be losing your
life, that's pretty good main danger.
411
00:15:22,396 --> 00:15:23,631
What's the matter, Laura?
412
00:15:23,731 --> 00:15:25,032
LAURA: You want that last part in?
413
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:25,933
Now, wait a minute.
414
00:15:26,033 --> 00:15:27,101
Maybe she's right.
415
00:15:27,201 --> 00:15:28,102
Maybe we get something better.
416
00:15:28,202 --> 00:15:30,137
What is the main danger?
417
00:15:30,237 --> 00:15:32,273
Running into a thrill-crazed gopher.
418
00:15:32,373 --> 00:15:35,276
Oh, Buddy, that's marvelous.
419
00:15:35,376 --> 00:15:38,813
What I heard, that's not so marvelous.
420
00:15:38,913 --> 00:15:41,315
Maybe we can come up with a better line than that.
421
00:15:41,415 --> 00:15:43,317
Come on, hit me again.
422
00:15:43,417 --> 00:15:47,822
Well, maybe what is your main purpose
in going to the Earth's center?
424
00:15:47,922 --> 00:15:51,492
All right. what is the main purpose
in going to the Earth's center?
426
00:15:51,592 --> 00:15:55,463
To find out whether it's chewy or chocolate cream.
427
00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:58,466
Hey, good, good!
428
00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:00,968
Type it, type it.
429
00:16:01,068 --> 00:16:01,869
Well, wait.
430
00:16:01,969 --> 00:16:03,170
Wait a minute.
431
00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:04,672
Now look, maybe we can come up with something better.
432
00:16:04,772 --> 00:16:06,240
Wait, hold it. We can do better than that.
433
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:07,808
But, darling, I think it's kind of cute.
434
00:16:07,908 --> 00:16:09,443
You're not supposed to give reviews.
435
00:16:09,543 --> 00:16:10,911
You are supposed to type.
436
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,013
But Buddy thought it was funny, didn't you, Buddy?
437
00:16:13,114 --> 00:16:15,649
Don't get me in the middle of husband and wife argument.
438
00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:17,451
This is not a husband and wife argument.
439
00:16:17,551 --> 00:16:19,153
This is boss and employee.
440
00:16:19,253 --> 00:16:20,154
Well, then I'm sorry.
441
00:16:20,254 --> 00:16:21,455
I got to go with the employee.
442
00:16:24,091 --> 00:16:26,127
But I just don't agree with you, Buddy.
443
00:16:26,227 --> 00:16:27,461
I think it's not funny.
444
00:16:27,561 --> 00:16:30,064
Rob, I think you're being kind of childish.
445
00:16:30,164 --> 00:16:31,966
I am not being childish.
446
00:16:32,066 --> 00:16:32,900
Yes, you are.
447
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,034
You're being childish.
448
00:16:34,135 --> 00:16:36,103
Buddy, this is between my wife and me, please.
449
00:16:38,839 --> 00:16:41,142
Rob, what is the matter with you?
450
00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:42,710
Nothing is the matter with me.
451
00:16:42,810 --> 00:16:43,978
Nothing?
452
00:16:44,078 --> 00:16:47,915
You're acting like you got a wasp in your underwear.
453
00:16:48,015 --> 00:16:52,119
All she did was offer some constructive
criticism, which was unsolicited.
455
00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:54,688
Oh, it was not unsolicited.
456
00:16:54,789 --> 00:16:57,625
Did you hear me ask for her opinion?
457
00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,827
Look, it's not boss employee, it's not husband wife.
458
00:16:59,927 --> 00:17:04,431
Just as a bystander,
did you hear me ask her for her opinion?
460
00:17:04,532 --> 00:17:05,533
All right, you didn't ask her.
461
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:06,700
There you see?
462
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:07,835
All right, you don't have to yell.
463
00:17:07,935 --> 00:17:09,436
- I'm not yelling. - Yes, you are.
464
00:17:09,537 --> 00:17:10,905
You're yelling.
465
00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:14,875
Buddy, this is a family affair that doesn't concern you.
466
00:17:14,975 --> 00:17:17,812
Will you excuse me while I go out and get a glass of beer?
467
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:20,714
I hate crowds, and the four of you are driving me nuts.
468
00:17:27,221 --> 00:17:31,325
I must say, I am very, very surprised at you.
469
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:35,930
Trying to prove that I couldn't handle the-- the
job at the office here, and the job at home too.
471
00:17:36,030 --> 00:17:38,098
I think I did them both very well.
472
00:17:38,199 --> 00:17:39,033
ROB: Oh, you do?
473
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:39,834
You do?
474
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:40,868
- Yes, don't you? - No.
475
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:41,802
No, I don't.
476
00:17:41,902 --> 00:17:42,670
No, I don't.
477
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,338
Rob, what's the matter with you?
478
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,874
Why does everybody keep asking me what's the matter with me?
479
00:17:46,974 --> 00:17:50,578
Because all morning long you've
been impossible, that's why.
481
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:51,912
- Have I been impossible? - Yes.
482
00:17:52,012 --> 00:17:53,481
Well, what have you-- what have you been?
483
00:17:53,581 --> 00:17:54,982
Rob, what is it?
484
00:17:55,082 --> 00:17:58,085
Is it because I made a joke that happened to be funny?
485
00:17:58,185 --> 00:18:00,254
Oh, boy, are you way off.
486
00:18:03,157 --> 00:18:04,024
OK.
487
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:08,762
Is it because I proved to you that I can handle this
office job, and keep the home running smoothly too?
490
00:18:08,863 --> 00:18:11,565
I don't think you did just that.
491
00:18:11,665 --> 00:18:13,133
Well , everybody else thinks I did.
492
00:18:13,234 --> 00:18:16,637
Yeah, well everybody else happens to be
wrong, and you happen to be wrong too.
494
00:18:16,737 --> 00:18:22,042
This office has not been functioning any better than it did with
a-- with a gum popper, the girdler snapper, or the giggler.
497
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:24,879
You-- you've been just as annoying as they have.
498
00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:25,913
Annoying!
499
00:18:28,849 --> 00:18:31,485
I have been annoying to you?
500
00:18:31,585 --> 00:18:33,087
Yes, you have.
501
00:18:33,187 --> 00:18:37,191
Well, Rob, let me tell you. it certainly was
not my intention to annoy you in coming here.
503
00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:41,695
The only reason I came here was to help you, and
if I have annoyed you, I sincerely apologize.
505
00:18:41,795 --> 00:18:46,667
And to keep from causing you any further
annoyance, I want you to know that I'm fired!
507
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:55,943
You can't fire, I quit you. (YELLING) [inaudible]..
508
00:19:02,716 --> 00:19:06,320
[music playing]
509
00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:37,618
I won't be able to sleep until I get this thing cleared up.
510
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:40,621
Neither will I.
511
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:43,490
I-- I've been thinking all day.
512
00:19:43,590 --> 00:19:45,225
So have I.
513
00:19:45,326 --> 00:19:47,895
And what-- what have you been thinking about?
514
00:19:47,995 --> 00:19:49,730
That you're a sore loser.
515
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:57,471
Wouldn't you feel like a sore loser if you
thought you were going to lose something?
517
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,207
What are you talking about?
518
00:20:00,307 --> 00:20:03,978
Look, I know I was acting like a
crazy nut down at the office all week.
520
00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:06,814
I don't know, up until today, I didn't even know why.
521
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:11,485
I thought up until now that it was just because you
were doing so well down there and I was doing so badly.
524
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:12,653
Oh.
525
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,889
Well, that-- that wasn't it.
526
00:20:15,990 --> 00:20:18,792
Laura, would-- would you look at me?
527
00:20:18,892 --> 00:20:21,628
I can hear you just fine from here.
528
00:20:21,729 --> 00:20:23,630
Well, I I'd-- like for you to look at me.
529
00:20:23,731 --> 00:20:24,932
Would you do that for me?
530
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:30,537
What is it?
531
00:20:30,637 --> 00:20:33,240
Honey, can you eat one pistachio nut?
532
00:20:36,477 --> 00:20:37,378
I'm not joking.
533
00:20:37,478 --> 00:20:38,679
You know that's true, honey.
534
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,381
If you eat one nut, you eat the whole bag.
535
00:20:40,481 --> 00:20:43,217
If you-- one taste of honey. and you want the whole bottle.
536
00:20:43,317 --> 00:20:44,251
You can't deny that.
537
00:20:44,351 --> 00:20:45,653
I can't understand it.
538
00:20:45,753 --> 00:20:53,394
Look, honey, every day this past week, you fixed my breakfast, you cleaned
the house, you've done the laundry, you fix me a gourmet dinner every night.
542
00:20:53,494 --> 00:20:57,431
And despite what anybody says, you did
a fantastic job down at that office.
544
00:20:57,531 --> 00:20:59,333
Then can't you be proud of me?
545
00:20:59,433 --> 00:21:02,803
I can't afford the luxury.
546
00:21:02,903 --> 00:21:06,874
Look, this week was your first pistachio nut.
547
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:09,343
You've enjoyed it so much that I know you're going to want more.
548
00:21:09,443 --> 00:21:13,781
Do you mean to tell me that you're worried
that I will go out and get another job?
550
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:15,082
Shouldn't I be?
551
00:21:15,182 --> 00:21:19,119
Rob, don't you know that the only
reason I took this job was to help you.
553
00:21:19,219 --> 00:21:20,888
Oh, all right.
554
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:25,893
It may have been that way in the beginning, but after a week of that,
you found out how easy it was for you, and how much fun it was.
557
00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,162
You're going to want to go right on working.
558
00:21:28,262 --> 00:21:31,231
Well, you big dope!
559
00:21:31,331 --> 00:21:32,833
Huh?
560
00:21:32,933 --> 00:21:37,204
You really think this whole week
has been fun and games for me?
562
00:21:37,304 --> 00:21:38,872
Well, it certainly looks that way.
563
00:21:38,972 --> 00:21:42,509
Rob, that's because I made it look that way.
564
00:21:42,609 --> 00:21:47,181
I only did the whole thing just
to be useful to help my husband.
566
00:21:47,281 --> 00:21:51,819
I only did it so that you would thank
me, and instead of thanks what do I get?
568
00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:53,320
Pistachio nuts.
569
00:21:55,756 --> 00:21:56,890
Honey, take it easy.
570
00:21:56,990 --> 00:22:01,628
Oh, Rob, I wish I could take it easy, but
this has been the hardest week of my life.
572
00:22:01,729 --> 00:22:04,364
And I mean, I really worked like a horse.
573
00:22:04,465 --> 00:22:05,432
Like a horse?
574
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:06,834
Well, I never saw that.
575
00:22:06,934 --> 00:22:08,702
Well, of course you never saw it.
576
00:22:08,802 --> 00:22:10,170
Because I never let you.
577
00:22:10,270 --> 00:22:17,744
All the time you were sleeping, I'd get up in the middle of the
night and do the cooking, and the cleaning, and the sewing.
580
00:22:17,845 --> 00:22:22,583
Honey-- LAURA: And you know why I
never went to lunch with you and Buddy?
583
00:22:22,683 --> 00:22:24,518
Well, you said-- I said.
584
00:22:24,618 --> 00:22:26,053
I said.
585
00:22:26,153 --> 00:22:34,128
The reason was was while you and Buddy we're having lunch, I was napping
so that I could get up and do the cleaning and the cooking and the sewing.
588
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:35,162
ROB: Oh, honey.
589
00:22:35,262 --> 00:22:39,199
And my chocolate joke was too funny.
590
00:22:39,299 --> 00:22:40,601
[music playing]
591
00:22:40,701 --> 00:22:44,371
You big dope.
592
00:22:44,471 --> 00:22:49,576
Do you think that you're not going to want
to go to work anymore and keep on working?
594
00:22:49,676 --> 00:22:51,845
Only have you decided to stop working.
595
00:22:54,381 --> 00:22:57,651
Well, I don't know what to say.
596
00:22:57,751 --> 00:22:59,987
Even a horse gets a lump of sugar.
597
00:23:05,692 --> 00:23:09,296
How about linty sour ball?
598
00:23:09,396 --> 00:23:12,266
[music playing]
599
00:23:12,366 --> 00:23:14,234
How about a kiss?
600
00:23:14,334 --> 00:23:15,202
Oh, all right.
601
00:23:15,302 --> 00:23:18,238
[music playing]
602
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:26,580
Hey, Rob, hey, Rob, did you see Sally
last night on the Parson's show?
604
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:29,950
No, I was cooking.
605
00:23:30,050 --> 00:23:31,585
Was she great again? - Great.
606
00:23:31,685 --> 00:23:32,986
The greatest for us.
607
00:23:33,086 --> 00:23:36,390
Boy, she and Parsons got into the
wildest exchange for about 15 minutes.
609
00:23:36,490 --> 00:23:37,991
Never saw anything like it on television.
610
00:23:38,091 --> 00:23:39,459
What did she do another Herman Glimscher routine?
611
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,695
No, no, and it I was Parson's fault. He started it.
612
00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:44,398
First he was rapping Alan Brady,
then he was rapping our writers.
614
00:23:44,498 --> 00:23:46,333
Then he started rapping the format of the show.
615
00:23:46,433 --> 00:23:47,267
What did Sally do?
616
00:23:47,367 --> 00:23:50,137
Oh, what did she-- you ever see
a female lion protect her cubs?
618
00:23:50,237 --> 00:23:51,371
Yeah.
619
00:23:51,471 --> 00:23:55,042
Compared to Sally, that female line was a pussycat.
620
00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:57,344
She just tore Parsons' to shreds.
621
00:23:57,444 --> 00:24:02,216
She had them in such a sweat, his toupee slid off.
622
00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:03,150
Hi, there.
623
00:24:03,250 --> 00:24:04,284
Hey, Sal.
624
00:24:04,384 --> 00:24:06,253
ROB: Sal, Buddy he just gave me the good news.
625
00:24:06,353 --> 00:24:07,087
What good news?
626
00:24:07,187 --> 00:24:08,488
You're off the Parson's show?
627
00:24:08,589 --> 00:24:10,090
What makes you think I'm off the Parson's show.
628
00:24:10,190 --> 00:24:12,926
Well, he told me everything you
said on the show last night.
630
00:24:13,026 --> 00:24:14,161
He wouldn't keep you up to that, would he?
631
00:24:14,261 --> 00:24:15,429
Oh, Parsons isn't that kind of a guy.
632
00:24:15,529 --> 00:24:16,964
Besides he know I had to defend my gang.
633
00:24:17,064 --> 00:24:18,065
He likes that kind of stuff.
634
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:19,233
He was just baiting me.
635
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:21,501
Yeah, you mean he didn't fire you?
636
00:24:21,602 --> 00:24:22,736
Oh, fire me?
637
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:24,137
He gave me a better deal than before.
638
00:24:24,238 --> 00:24:25,672
Remember I used to be on four times a week?
639
00:24:25,772 --> 00:24:26,874
BOTH: Yeah.
640
00:24:26,974 --> 00:24:28,175
Now I'm going to be on once a year.
641
00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:31,945
BOTH: Once a year?
642
00:24:32,045 --> 00:24:33,580
Yeah, every Halloween.
643
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,984
He told me to bring my broom.
644
00:24:37,084 --> 00:24:39,353
Hey, Sal, you're not kidding us?
645
00:24:39,453 --> 00:24:41,722
No, he hates me.
646
00:24:41,822 --> 00:24:44,992
[music playing]
647
00:24:49,730 --> 00:24:54,468
[theme song]
41806
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