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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hi Ritch.
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Hi daddy.
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You're late. - Yeah.
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I know. I didn't get a chance to call.
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Is Momma mad?
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I don't know.
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She's in the kitchen talking to a man.
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Anybody we know?
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Uh uh.
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He has a mustache.
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He's a lawyer.
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A lawyer?
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Just because I'm late for dinner?
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Laura?
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In here darling.
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Do you take it off when it goes ding or ding ding?
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No, the ding just lets you know it's ready.
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And then it'll shut itself off.
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Hi Darling.
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Darling, this is our new neighbor Arthur Stanwyck.
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My husband, Rob Petrie.
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Oh, hi Arthur.
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Hi Rob.
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Ow.
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Your wife's been kind enough to instruct me in
the operation of all my new mechanical devices.
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Oh, how's she doing?
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Well, she's been trying to teach me how to make a
chicken roast itself while I'm out playing golf.
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I've got the same equipment in my kitchen.
36
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But I must say, I'm thoroughly confused.
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Listen, I never have been able to figure out all these timers.
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You better let your wife do it. It's safer.
39
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Yeah, I know.
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But that's a big price to pay
just to get your stove turned off.
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How's that?
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Well Arthur's not married.
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Oh, you're not?
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I'm afraid I'm a bachelor.
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Well don't be afraid.
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Some of the most married men I know were bachelors.
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We just love it.
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Say, Arthur, are you engaged or anything?
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No, nothing.
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As a matter of fact, I'm so unentangled at the moment,
that next week I'm going to a Bar Association ball
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with my brother.
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Oh that's terrible.
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Oh, no, no. Not really.
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He's a rotten dancer.
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I beg your pardon?
58
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Well, his wife is an excellent one, and I take over for him.
59
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Oh.
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Well, I won't hold you two folks up any longer.
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Thanks for the course in stoves and water heaters.
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Listen, would you like to stay for dinner?
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Well thanks, but I have a house
full of dust to rearrange.
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May I have a rain check?
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Sure, you can cash it in tomorrow night
or Friday if you like. - I'd love it.
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May I call you on that? - Please do.
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Thanks again. Bye.
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Bye.
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Call us if you need anything.
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Thanks.
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He's kind of a nice guy.
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Very.
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What's a good looking bachelor with a
mustache doing living in the suburbs?
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Well I asked him that, not quite that way of course.
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But he said he's looking for a quieter way of life.
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Sort of a change from the bustle of the city.
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ROB: Well I hope he finds it.
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You know what I think he's looking for?
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ROB: What? - A wife.
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Yeah?
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Who's?
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LAURA: Oh,
well don't-- I won't give him yours.
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Well that's OK.
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Listen, Darling.
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I know how you hate it, but would you mind
if I took one more fling at matchmaking?
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What if I said no to that?
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I'll probably do it behind your back.
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Yeah, that's what I thought.
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Well go ahead if you want to,
but I don't think that he's her type.
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He's who's type?
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Well, Sally of course.
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Oh, I agree.
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But why bother about it?
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Well I was thinking about my cousin Donna.
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Your cousin Donna?
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Yeah, she'd be just perfect for him Rob.
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Are you kidding, honey?
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She's more imperfect for him than Sally is.
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This guy strikes me as being quite a live one.
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Well Donna's a live one too.
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Well, yeah, she's alive.
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This guy, he's a golf playing
lawyer that dances with a mustache.
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Listen, there's a lot more to life than just dancing,
and I think Donna and Arthur have a lot in common.
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Yeah, like what?
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Well, like Arthur likes to live
in the suburbs, and so does Donna.
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You'll admit that Sally hates the suburbs.
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She claims that she does.
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Besides, Sally once told me she hated men with
mustaches and Donna has always loved David Niven.
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Oh, good, that leaves Sally free to meet Arthur.
120
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I'm going to call Donna.
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Call Sally.
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Donna.
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Call Sally.
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We'll call them both.
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Both?
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Why, can you think of a fairer way to do it?
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No, I guess not.
128
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All right, call them both, and make the best lady win.
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Still busy.
130
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Now Honey, why don't you just forget the matchmaking?
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We'll have Arthur over Thursday or Friday,
we'll give him a nice brisket of beef.
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No.
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We'll have him over Thursday and Friday.
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What, two dinners?
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Yeah, that way he can meet them both
separately and make up his own mind.
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That's great.
139
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I'll call Donna for Thursday and then you ask Sally for Friday.
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OK?
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Hang up.
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What now?
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Why should Donna get a head start?
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What do you mean?
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Well Honey, there's a psychological
advantage in the first meeting.
147
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Oh, Rob, that's silly.
148
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What do you mean, silly?
149
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Do you ever hear of anybody
falling in love on second sight?
151
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Oh.
152
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Now that's just ridiculous.
153
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Did you ever hear of anybody say second come first serve?
154
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Rob, it doesn't make any difference at all.
155
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That's right, it doesn't.
156
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So I'll call Sally first.
157
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All right, you go right ahead.
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And I'll never speak to you again.
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We'll be fair about it and flip a coin.
160
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Heads, I win.
161
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Wait, I didn't even call it yet!
162
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Rob, you know heads is mine.
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Ever since we've been married heads is mine.
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Oh.
165
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You sure you didn't used to take tails?
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I hate tails.
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I'm calling Sally, and I'm going to ask her for Friday.
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And I'll call Donna and ask her for Thursday.
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Agreed? - OK.
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Wait a minute.
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Oh, Rob, what now?
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Now that we've got Arthur's future all planned for
him, you think we ought to call him and tell him?
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Good idea.
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Boy, since I put up that new target, my aim is beautiful.
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You better cut it out.
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Mel's been complaining of headaches.
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Serious?
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Really?
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Oh, hi Rob.
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Sal, what's your feeling about mustaches?
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Well, they should be worn under the nose.
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And women should definitely be discouraged from growing them.
184
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And I'll ask you one.
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What ever happened to good morning for a greeting?
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I'll get to it in a minute.
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Sal, tell me.
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How do you feel about living in the suburbs?
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Well, I'm not too crazy about them.
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But if I get a firm offer from a good
looking suburb, I might consider it.
192
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Hey Rob, you got a guy for our Sal?
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Yeah, you got something?
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I might have, Sal.
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But he lives in a suburb and he loves it.
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So I'll buy 100 pounds of crabgrass and convert.
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No she won't.
198
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You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
199
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Well maybe you can, but the pig would be deaf.
200
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Hey Rob, who is this farmer who is
changing my whole mode of living?
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Well he's a new neighbor of ours.
203
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He's a bachelor named Arthur Stanwyck,
and Laura and I'd like you to come
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over Friday night and meet him.
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Good, then I'll be there.
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Suburbs.
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Yeah, I'd like to look out my window and see a little green.
209
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Why don't you get an apartment in front of a stoplight?
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Sal?
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Doesn't it bother you at all that the guy has a mustache?
212
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No, just as long as they don't droop over his teeth.
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Why, you're fickle.
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You told me you could never go for a guy with a mustache.
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Well that was last year.
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Next year I'm accepting tattoos.
217
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Boy, the guy that puts these corks in must be
the same guy that puts lids on macadamia nuts.
219
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Why don't you use that new one?
220
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The one that goes like that?
221
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Well there's no challenge in that one.
222
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Well they should be here any minute now.
223
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I sure wish Sally was the one meeting him first.
224
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Oh Rob, you're not going to start that now?
225
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I'm not starting anything.
226
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Will you please remember that this is not a contest.
227
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So I hope you're not going to do anything that
would ruin Donna's chances of winning it.
229
00:07:58,152 --> 00:08:00,521
But it's not a contest.
230
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You know what I mean.
231
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Yeah, I know what you mean.
232
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You mean I can't even lock her in a
bathroom or trip her like Sally suggested.
234
00:08:07,795 --> 00:08:09,030
Rob.
235
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[door bell]
236
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Oh, Darling, would you get it?
237
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I'll be right out.
238
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OK.
239
00:08:14,168 --> 00:08:15,370
And behave yourself.
240
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I won't trip her unless she trips me first.
241
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,344
Oh, hi Donna. - Hi Rob.
242
00:08:23,444 --> 00:08:24,078
Come on in.
243
00:08:24,178 --> 00:08:25,747
Nice to see you.
244
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Let me take your coat.
245
00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:30,218
Oh, I'm sorry.
246
00:08:30,318 --> 00:08:31,719
Oh, that's all right.
247
00:08:31,819 --> 00:08:32,687
It's supposed to be that way.
248
00:08:32,787 --> 00:08:33,855
I designed it myself.
249
00:08:33,955 --> 00:08:35,456
Oh.
250
00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:41,362
Gee, that's-- [inaudible] I've never seen anything like that.
251
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Is that all?
252
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Yes, that's all.
253
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ROB: Honey, Donna's here.
254
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LAURA: Hi!
255
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I'll be right out.
256
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Don't rush Laura.
257
00:08:49,837 --> 00:08:51,472
Well, how you been Donna?
258
00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:52,473
Just fine Rob.
259
00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:54,108
How's Aunt Martha and Uncle Edward?
260
00:08:54,208 --> 00:08:56,077
Well actually, I don't see my parents much anymore.
261
00:08:56,177 --> 00:08:57,311
We don't have anything in common.
262
00:08:57,412 --> 00:08:58,880
Well, except maybe your grandparents.
263
00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:04,285
Actually, I could have more in common with my
grandparents than my parents, genetically speaking.
265
00:09:04,385 --> 00:09:07,088
Hereditary patterns often skip a generation.
266
00:09:07,188 --> 00:09:10,224
Oh, yeah.
267
00:09:10,324 --> 00:09:12,460
Matter of fact, ours did.
268
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,662
Are you still taking harp lessons?
269
00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:16,864
I never took harp lessons.
270
00:09:16,964 --> 00:09:19,534
Oh, I thought-- I thought you
played some kind of instrument.
272
00:09:19,634 --> 00:09:23,104
Oh that was the Cambodian [inaudible]
273
00:09:23,204 --> 00:09:24,305
Oh, that's right.
274
00:09:24,405 --> 00:09:25,606
You're a [inaudible] player.
275
00:09:25,706 --> 00:09:26,974
Yeah.
276
00:09:27,074 --> 00:09:28,309
Well isn't that something like a harp?
277
00:09:28,409 --> 00:09:29,744
Oh, no, not at all.
278
00:09:29,844 --> 00:09:35,416
Actually, a [inaudible] is an East Indian
milking funnel covered with goat guts.
280
00:09:35,516 --> 00:09:39,387
Oh, and you just kind
of-- just-- Yeah.
281
00:09:39,487 --> 00:09:40,121
I see.
282
00:09:40,221 --> 00:09:42,190
Oh, G and E flat minor.
283
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:43,257
I think that's Arthur.
284
00:09:43,357 --> 00:09:45,960
Oh, no, the doorbell.
285
00:09:46,060 --> 00:09:47,328
You mean the pitch?
286
00:09:47,428 --> 00:09:48,029
Uh huh.
287
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,331
E and E and E and-- Bom, bom.
288
00:09:50,431 --> 00:09:51,065
Bom.
289
00:09:51,165 --> 00:09:53,034
I didn't know that.
290
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Hi Rob!
291
00:09:54,035 --> 00:09:54,869
How are you?
292
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,270
Oh, I'm sorry.
293
00:09:56,370 --> 00:09:58,206
Don't be sorry, it's an excellent year.
294
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,380
Hello, hello, hello.
295
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,415
Hi.
296
00:10:07,515 --> 00:10:10,418
Arthur Stanwyck, I'd like you
to meet my cousin, Donna Palmer.
298
00:10:10,518 --> 00:10:12,587
Well, I'm very happy to meet you.
299
00:10:12,687 --> 00:10:13,521
Hello.
300
00:10:13,621 --> 00:10:17,525
Well, if you'll excuse me, I have these lovely hors
d'oeurve in the oven and I do hate to burn them.
303
00:10:17,625 --> 00:10:18,726
Oh, and Laura, let me help you.
304
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:19,927
No, no, no.
305
00:10:20,027 --> 00:10:21,095
You stay there and entertain Arthur.
306
00:10:21,195 --> 00:10:22,363
I know you're a wiz in the kitchen.
307
00:10:22,463 --> 00:10:24,432
And she really is a marvelous cook.
308
00:10:24,532 --> 00:10:26,067
- Oh, is she now? - Yes.
309
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,101
She illustrated a cookbook.
310
00:10:27,201 --> 00:10:31,105
Yeah, she draws the best food.
311
00:10:31,205 --> 00:10:32,707
She once drew a boiled chicken.
312
00:10:32,807 --> 00:10:36,444
Rob, I think that's-- Well Arthur, why don't
you sit down this nice easy chair here
314
00:10:36,544 --> 00:10:38,012
and make-- [clearing throat]
315
00:10:38,112 --> 00:10:38,946
Wait a minute.
316
00:10:39,046 --> 00:10:40,214
Sit on that sofa.
317
00:10:40,314 --> 00:10:42,550
I think you'll get more out of it.
318
00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:48,256
Well.
319
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,992
Donna, did you know that Arthur's a successful lawyer.
320
00:10:51,092 --> 00:10:52,126
Oh, yes, I know.
321
00:10:52,226 --> 00:10:53,261
Laura told me so.
322
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,862
Yeah, he's got his own ambulance.
323
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:02,103
And Donna here is a psychologist, Arthur.
324
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,671
She is?
325
00:11:03,771 --> 00:11:05,439
Well, I hope you're not nursing any grudges against lawyers.
326
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:06,374
Oh, no.
327
00:11:06,474 --> 00:11:10,778
But in my work as a psychologist, I have had
some rather heated discussions with members
329
00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:11,712
of your profession.
330
00:11:11,812 --> 00:11:12,847
That's wonderful.
331
00:11:12,947 --> 00:11:14,282
I beg your pardon?
332
00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,551
Well I mean, you and Arthur have a
little something in common there.
334
00:11:16,651 --> 00:11:18,085
What's that?
335
00:11:18,185 --> 00:11:19,887
Professional antagonism.
336
00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:25,793
Paternalism.
337
00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:28,863
Actually, I enjoy discussions with my lawyer friends.
338
00:11:28,963 --> 00:11:31,732
Well I hope we enjoy our discussion tonight.
339
00:11:31,832 --> 00:11:33,434
Oh I'm sure we will.
340
00:11:33,534 --> 00:11:35,670
That's a beautiful stone.
341
00:11:35,770 --> 00:11:36,571
What is it?
342
00:11:36,671 --> 00:11:38,005
A rock.
343
00:11:38,105 --> 00:11:40,775
I found it in my backyard.
344
00:11:40,875 --> 00:11:43,377
I have some great rocks in my yard.
345
00:11:43,477 --> 00:11:45,046
Oh, I'd love to see them.
346
00:11:45,146 --> 00:11:46,480
You see, I mount my own rocks.
347
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:47,882
Did you mount this one?
348
00:11:47,982 --> 00:11:49,617
Oh, yes I did.
349
00:11:49,717 --> 00:11:50,618
May I?
350
00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:55,556
A beautiful job of mounting.
351
00:11:55,656 --> 00:11:57,224
Can you see with my glasses?
352
00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:58,125
Perfectly.
353
00:11:58,225 --> 00:12:00,261
Isn't that marvelous?
354
00:12:00,361 --> 00:12:04,865
They both have the same prescription.
355
00:12:04,966 --> 00:12:08,536
You know, actually I made a lot of my own jewelry.
356
00:12:08,636 --> 00:12:11,939
Well, I've always admired people
who can work with their hands.
358
00:12:12,039 --> 00:12:15,276
I've never been able to.
359
00:12:15,376 --> 00:12:16,644
Oh, Laura, Laura.
360
00:12:16,744 --> 00:12:17,445
Let me help you.
361
00:12:17,545 --> 00:12:18,879
LAURA: No, that's all right.
362
00:12:18,980 --> 00:12:21,148
[screaming]
363
00:12:21,248 --> 00:12:23,417
Rob!
364
00:12:23,517 --> 00:12:26,387
No, it's my fault. I'm just clumsy.
365
00:12:26,487 --> 00:12:27,922
You are not clumsy, Donna.
366
00:12:28,022 --> 00:12:29,290
You are very graceful.
367
00:12:29,390 --> 00:12:31,225
She dances like the wind.
368
00:12:31,325 --> 00:12:32,526
Oh, Rob.
369
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,595
Why don't you just lock her in the bathroom?
370
00:12:34,695 --> 00:12:37,164
Arthur, would you like a glass of wine?
371
00:12:37,264 --> 00:12:38,699
Thank you. Thank you, Rob.
372
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:39,433
I'd love one.
373
00:12:39,533 --> 00:12:40,635
How about you Donna?
374
00:12:40,735 --> 00:12:41,569
Oh, me too.
375
00:12:41,669 --> 00:12:42,737
Oh, well.
376
00:12:42,837 --> 00:12:43,771
Oh well what?
377
00:12:43,871 --> 00:12:45,940
They both love wine.
378
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,143
Isn't that compatible?
379
00:12:49,243 --> 00:12:51,278
[speaking french]
380
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:52,980
You speak French?
381
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,148
A little.
382
00:12:54,248 --> 00:12:55,282
I picked it up from foreign films.
383
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:56,984
You like foreign films?
384
00:12:57,084 --> 00:12:58,019
I love them.
385
00:12:58,119 --> 00:12:59,120
Don't you just hate subtitles?
386
00:12:59,220 --> 00:13:00,521
Oh, I despise them.
387
00:13:00,621 --> 00:13:01,622
They make me nauseous.
388
00:13:01,722 --> 00:13:02,423
Me too.
389
00:13:02,523 --> 00:13:04,025
Oh, they both get nauseous.
390
00:13:09,230 --> 00:13:11,699
What do you think of Ingmar Bergman?
391
00:13:11,799 --> 00:13:15,136
Well I find his symbolism a little too blatant.
392
00:13:15,236 --> 00:13:16,704
ARTHUR: I'm afraid I have to agree.
393
00:13:16,804 --> 00:13:21,275
DONNA: You know the clock without hands
in that Wild Strawberries dream sequence?
395
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:22,843
Well its meaning was so obvious.
396
00:13:22,943 --> 00:13:25,746
Oh, much too obvious.
397
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:28,249
But you are the first person who's ever agreed with me.
398
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:29,884
Arthur, have a little more wine there.
399
00:13:29,984 --> 00:13:30,851
No, no, no, Arthur.
400
00:13:30,951 --> 00:13:33,421
You save your palate for my chicken.
401
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:36,457
You know, a new set of screenings
is starting at the museum.
403
00:13:36,557 --> 00:13:37,958
- I know, I'm a member. - You are?
404
00:13:38,059 --> 00:13:39,126
Yes.
405
00:13:39,226 --> 00:13:41,762
So am I. Isn't that a coincidence?
406
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:44,231
Well, isn't it?
407
00:13:44,331 --> 00:13:46,000
A lot of people belong to museums.
408
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,369
You don't have to be the same blood type exactly.
409
00:13:48,469 --> 00:13:50,671
Rob, why don't you come and help me in the kitchen?
410
00:13:50,771 --> 00:13:52,740
Honey, we have guests here.
411
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,242
I'm sure they can take care of themselves, Darling.
412
00:13:55,343 --> 00:13:57,144
Let's us go check my chicken paprikash.
413
00:13:57,244 --> 00:13:58,279
Shall we?
414
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:01,015
Oh, I just love chicken paprikash.
415
00:14:01,115 --> 00:14:02,083
Me too.
416
00:14:02,183 --> 00:14:03,884
That figures.
417
00:14:03,984 --> 00:14:06,921
Do you know if A Grand Illusion is scheduled?
418
00:14:07,021 --> 00:14:08,656
Oh, I think it is.
419
00:14:08,756 --> 00:14:10,858
Rob, what did you do with my [inaudible]??
420
00:14:10,958 --> 00:14:11,859
Your what?
421
00:14:11,959 --> 00:14:12,793
My coat.
422
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,028
Oh, ponch-- coat.
423
00:14:14,128 --> 00:14:15,429
[inaudible], it's in the den. I'll get it for you.
424
00:14:15,529 --> 00:14:16,997
Oh, no, no, no. You help Laura.
425
00:14:17,098 --> 00:14:17,932
I'll get it.
426
00:14:18,032 --> 00:14:19,700
Do you have a problem?
427
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,936
You need a chaperone, you just yell.
428
00:14:22,036 --> 00:14:26,574
Now sir, if there's anything I hate
worse than subtitles, it's a chaperone.
430
00:14:29,276 --> 00:14:31,512
Ow.
431
00:14:31,612 --> 00:14:32,780
Why did you it?
432
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:33,748
That hurts!
433
00:14:33,848 --> 00:14:36,383
Because you deserve to be punished.
434
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:39,320
You behaved just abominably.
435
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,621
You're winning anyhow.
436
00:14:40,721 --> 00:14:42,189
I don't know why you had to give them wine.
437
00:14:42,289 --> 00:14:45,025
Up till then, the only thing they had in common was rocks.
438
00:14:45,126 --> 00:14:48,229
Well I hope you're not planning any more sabotage.
439
00:14:48,329 --> 00:14:50,965
Oh, now you don't think I really tripped them on purpose?
440
00:14:51,065 --> 00:14:54,368
I'll reserve judgment until the evening is over.
441
00:14:54,468 --> 00:14:55,503
[knocking]
442
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,539
DONNA: Please let me out of here!
443
00:14:58,639 --> 00:14:59,673
What is that?
444
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:01,709
Did you lock her in the bathroom?
445
00:15:01,809 --> 00:15:02,643
What?
446
00:15:02,743 --> 00:15:03,344
Oh!
447
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:04,979
Rob!
448
00:15:05,079 --> 00:15:12,286
[interposing voices]
449
00:15:12,386 --> 00:15:14,522
Donna, are you all right?
450
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,723
Hang on, Donna.
451
00:15:15,823 --> 00:15:17,024
Rob, please, can't you do something?
452
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:17,958
Donna.
453
00:15:18,058 --> 00:15:18,993
Hold on Donna.
454
00:15:19,093 --> 00:15:20,461
Stand back Donna. Get out of the way.
455
00:15:20,561 --> 00:15:21,896
We're going to get you out Donna.
456
00:15:27,268 --> 00:15:28,135
LAURA: Are you all right?
457
00:15:28,235 --> 00:15:29,170
I'm fine.
458
00:15:31,772 --> 00:15:33,841
Come on out, Donna.
459
00:15:33,941 --> 00:15:34,775
[screaming]
460
00:15:34,875 --> 00:15:35,776
Oh!
461
00:15:35,876 --> 00:15:36,477
Donna!
462
00:15:36,577 --> 00:15:39,847
I feel so silly.
463
00:15:39,947 --> 00:15:41,382
Oh, Rob.
464
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,818
That is the dirtiest trick of all time.
465
00:15:43,918 --> 00:15:45,152
Don't tell me you didn't do it.
466
00:15:45,252 --> 00:15:46,187
[interposing voices]
467
00:15:46,287 --> 00:15:47,188
--told me you wouldn't do it.
468
00:15:47,288 --> 00:15:50,524
[laughter]
469
00:15:50,624 --> 00:15:52,593
Well, you can trip her all your like.
470
00:15:52,693 --> 00:15:54,495
It doesn't seem to have any effect.
471
00:16:00,868 --> 00:16:03,037
Actually, it's warm out.
472
00:16:03,137 --> 00:16:04,104
I'll carry my sleeves.
473
00:16:04,205 --> 00:16:05,039
Oh.
474
00:16:05,139 --> 00:16:06,273
Invertable sleeves.
475
00:16:06,373 --> 00:16:07,308
That's very clever.
476
00:16:07,408 --> 00:16:09,210
And Donna designed it herself.
477
00:16:09,310 --> 00:16:10,377
But you drive carefully now.
478
00:16:10,477 --> 00:16:11,712
She's one of my favorite relatives.
479
00:16:11,812 --> 00:16:14,315
Don't worry, she's in good hands.
480
00:16:14,415 --> 00:16:16,317
Well, good bye all.
481
00:16:16,417 --> 00:16:18,118
Good bye.
482
00:16:18,219 --> 00:16:19,186
[screaming]
483
00:16:19,286 --> 00:16:20,187
ARTHUR: I got her!
484
00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:22,289
DONNA: Oh, I'm just so clumsy.
485
00:16:22,389 --> 00:16:23,757
LAURA: Are you all right Donna?
486
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,292
DONNA: Yeah, I'm fine.
487
00:16:25,392 --> 00:16:26,293
Good bye Rob.
488
00:16:26,393 --> 00:16:27,661
Good night, Donna.
489
00:16:30,798 --> 00:16:32,299
All right, blame it on me!
490
00:16:32,399 --> 00:16:35,402
What did you leave in the walk?
491
00:16:35,502 --> 00:16:36,904
I didn't leave anything in the walk.
492
00:16:37,004 --> 00:16:38,439
She probably tripped on her own sleeves.
493
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:39,974
Oh.
494
00:16:40,074 --> 00:16:43,077
Why, Sally hasn't got a chance.
495
00:16:43,177 --> 00:16:45,746
Those two are a better match than we are.
496
00:16:45,846 --> 00:16:47,915
I think I'll call her tomorrow and cancel the whole thing.
497
00:16:48,015 --> 00:16:48,682
No Rob!
498
00:16:48,782 --> 00:16:49,884
Everything's all arranged.
499
00:16:49,984 --> 00:16:51,418
Sally's coming over tomorrow night.
500
00:16:51,518 --> 00:16:54,555
Yeah, and they'll probably sit there the
whole evening and just stare at each other.
502
00:16:54,655 --> 00:16:56,590
You think so?
503
00:16:56,690 --> 00:16:58,626
I mean, do you think so?
504
00:17:16,043 --> 00:17:18,779
So the messenger boy says, what are you talking about?
505
00:17:18,879 --> 00:17:21,382
I just came to deliver a package.
506
00:17:21,482 --> 00:17:22,349
That's the right punchline.
507
00:17:22,449 --> 00:17:23,651
Gee, you're wonderful.
508
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,652
ARTHUR: I told you, I know all the jokes.
509
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:25,953
I'll tell you what.
510
00:17:26,053 --> 00:17:28,155
This time, you just give me a punch
line, and I'll tell you the joke.
512
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,056
Oh, no.
513
00:17:29,156 --> 00:17:29,823
Yeah.
514
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,458
OK, just the punch line?
515
00:17:31,559 --> 00:17:33,994
OK, here you go.
516
00:17:34,094 --> 00:17:36,764
All right, then give me a haircut.
517
00:17:36,864 --> 00:17:38,365
OK, here's a joke.
518
00:17:38,465 --> 00:17:42,603
A drunk walks into a bar room, and he says
to the bartender, give me a Scotch and soda.
520
00:17:42,703 --> 00:17:44,171
And then he drops his head down on the bar.
521
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:46,206
The bartender says, I can't serve you.
522
00:17:46,307 --> 00:17:47,875
You're so drunk now you can't hold your head up.
523
00:17:47,975 --> 00:17:50,110
So the drunk says, all right, then give me a haircut.
524
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,382
Oh, Rob, this guy is the greatest.
525
00:17:55,482 --> 00:17:56,617
I thought you said you were a lawyer.
526
00:17:56,717 --> 00:17:59,620
Well I am, but as a kid my idols were W.
C. Fields and Fred Allen.
528
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,188
No Clarence Darrow?
529
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:02,189
No.
530
00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:03,591
Frankie Darro.
531
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:05,793
SALLY: Well how'd you get so interested in law?
532
00:18:05,893 --> 00:18:07,761
Well, somebody heard my jokes and sued me.
533
00:18:07,861 --> 00:18:10,197
I had to defend myself.
534
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:13,067
[inaudible] hey, you're my kind of guy.
535
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:15,769
Yeah, there's nothing I like better than a good comedy.
536
00:18:15,869 --> 00:18:17,738
More than foreign films and rocks?
537
00:18:17,838 --> 00:18:20,074
Oh, I have a wide variety of interests.
538
00:18:20,174 --> 00:18:21,709
- Hey, you like rocks? - I love 'em!
539
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,710
Oh, me too.
540
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:25,646
Emeralds, sapphires, rubies.
541
00:18:25,746 --> 00:18:27,781
Boy, them's my kind of rocks.
542
00:18:27,881 --> 00:18:31,352
Oh, you're talking to a poor lawyer, not a rich jeweler.
543
00:18:31,452 --> 00:18:35,489
Oh, I wasn't suggesting that you buy them for me counselor.
544
00:18:35,589 --> 00:18:39,226
I'm going to buy them for you.
545
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:42,730
You're my kind of woman, Mrs. Calabash.
546
00:18:48,235 --> 00:18:50,104
Oh, that was a wonderful dinner, Laura.
547
00:18:50,204 --> 00:18:52,506
And I hope you're not mad at us for running off like this.
548
00:18:52,606 --> 00:18:53,674
No, not at all.
549
00:18:53,774 --> 00:18:56,944
Do you know, it's not very often that I find a
date who's a shooting gallery bud like I am.
551
00:18:57,044 --> 00:18:58,746
And the amusement park closes at midnight.
552
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,280
Well that's when the ducks go home.
553
00:19:00,381 --> 00:19:01,682
They're unionized.
554
00:19:01,782 --> 00:19:03,150
Listen, you two have fun.
555
00:19:03,250 --> 00:19:04,251
Oh, don't worry.
556
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:05,652
We will.
557
00:19:05,753 --> 00:19:09,757
And listen, if you beat me at the shooting gallery,
I'll pay your way to the exhibit right next to it.
559
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:10,691
What's that?
560
00:19:10,791 --> 00:19:12,359
Tunnel of love.
561
00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:13,994
Either way, I can't lose.
562
00:19:14,094 --> 00:19:14,695
Good night.
563
00:19:14,795 --> 00:19:16,130
Good night.
564
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:20,734
I don't get it.
565
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:22,336
I don't either.
566
00:19:22,436 --> 00:19:24,571
He gets along with Sally just as well as he did with Donna.
567
00:19:24,671 --> 00:19:26,140
But it's like two different people.
568
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:30,210
He seemed to really like them both,
and they both seem to like him.
570
00:19:30,310 --> 00:19:32,146
Yeah.
571
00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:34,348
Well, their problem.
572
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:35,649
Let's get some sleep.
573
00:19:35,749 --> 00:19:39,453
You know, it's like that story about
the man who was going to open a door.
575
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:43,490
Didn't know which was going to come out, a lady or a tiger.
576
00:19:43,590 --> 00:19:45,426
Remember that story, Darling?
577
00:19:45,526 --> 00:19:47,327
[screaming]
578
00:19:47,428 --> 00:19:48,696
What did you do that for?
579
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:51,965
I just want you to know that
I'm for my candidate, the tiger.
581
00:19:55,269 --> 00:19:57,237
You sure Sally gave him her phone number at work?
582
00:19:57,337 --> 00:20:02,709
Honey, she gave him her phone number, her office phone
number, home address, and I think her zip code.
585
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,178
I just don't understand it.
586
00:20:04,278 --> 00:20:09,116
He spends two wonderful evenings with two wonderful
girls and then doesn't call either one of them.
588
00:20:09,216 --> 00:20:11,185
I think he probably will in a couple of days.
589
00:20:11,285 --> 00:20:13,821
I just can't wait to find out which one.
590
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,923
Why don't you call him and
invite him over to dinner again?
592
00:20:16,023 --> 00:20:17,057
Three nights in a row?
593
00:20:17,157 --> 00:20:18,759
He'll think I'm after him.
594
00:20:21,128 --> 00:20:22,463
Why don't you call him, Darling?
595
00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:23,664
You're a man.
596
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:25,399
What am I going to say to him?
597
00:20:25,499 --> 00:20:29,002
Well, invite him over to work
in your hobby shop or something.
599
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:30,370
Honey?
600
00:20:30,471 --> 00:20:33,073
I haven't got a hobby shop or something.
601
00:20:33,173 --> 00:20:38,112
Well, ask him over for some other manly reason.
602
00:20:38,212 --> 00:20:39,246
Hi fella.
603
00:20:39,346 --> 00:20:43,117
Would you like to come over and shave with me?
604
00:20:43,217 --> 00:20:44,885
[door bell]
605
00:20:44,985 --> 00:20:46,420
That's probably Millie.
606
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,555
I told her I'd help her hem a dress later this evening.
607
00:20:48,655 --> 00:20:50,224
Oh.
608
00:20:50,324 --> 00:20:51,458
It's him! - Hi!
609
00:20:51,558 --> 00:20:52,893
Arthur Stanwyck.
610
00:20:52,993 --> 00:20:54,461
Hey, we were just going to ask you over for coffee.
611
00:20:54,561 --> 00:20:58,031
I just wanted to drop off a little something
to thank you for those two lovely evenings.
613
00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,233
You didn't have to do that.
614
00:20:59,333 --> 00:21:00,701
You will stay for coffee, won't you?
615
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:01,869
Oh, I don't want to bother you.
616
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:02,736
- No bother at all. - Not at all.
617
00:21:02,836 --> 00:21:03,470
I'll get the coffee.
618
00:21:03,570 --> 00:21:04,404
I got Arthur.
619
00:21:04,505 --> 00:21:05,672
OK.
620
00:21:05,773 --> 00:21:07,174
I'm not interrupting your dinner, am I?
621
00:21:07,274 --> 00:21:08,408
No.
622
00:21:08,509 --> 00:21:09,977
We always have little coffee and cake before dinner.
623
00:21:13,113 --> 00:21:13,914
A diet.
624
00:21:14,014 --> 00:21:15,849
It ruins your appetite.
625
00:21:15,949 --> 00:21:19,319
Well I'm getting to be sort of
a permanent fixture around here.
627
00:21:19,419 --> 00:21:20,387
Yes.
628
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:22,322
LAURA: Here we are.
629
00:21:22,422 --> 00:21:23,657
Well that was fast.
630
00:21:23,757 --> 00:21:24,591
Yes, instant coffee.
631
00:21:24,691 --> 00:21:25,859
Oh dear.
632
00:21:25,959 --> 00:21:27,294
Wow, it's a wonderful world we live in.
633
00:21:27,394 --> 00:21:28,595
It certainly is.
634
00:21:28,695 --> 00:21:29,630
Thank you.
635
00:21:29,730 --> 00:21:32,533
There we are.
636
00:21:32,633 --> 00:21:36,904
Honey, you should have waited for the water to get hot.
637
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:43,210
Well-- cold coffee is nice for a change.
638
00:21:43,310 --> 00:21:45,879
I really shouldn't have anything anyway.
639
00:21:45,979 --> 00:21:47,347
I have a date for dinner.
640
00:21:47,447 --> 00:21:48,282
Oh?
641
00:21:48,382 --> 00:21:49,249
You do?
642
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:49,983
Anybody we know?
643
00:21:50,083 --> 00:21:50,884
Well, I doubt it.
644
00:21:50,984 --> 00:21:52,619
It's my ex-wife.
645
00:21:52,719 --> 00:21:54,454
Oh.
646
00:21:54,555 --> 00:21:55,822
Your ex-wife?
647
00:21:55,923 --> 00:21:57,624
Did I say something to shock you?
648
00:21:57,724 --> 00:21:58,859
No, why?
649
00:21:58,959 --> 00:22:01,195
You're wiping the tray with the cake.
650
00:22:05,065 --> 00:22:06,500
Sponge cake.
651
00:22:10,671 --> 00:22:12,239
What about your ex-wife?
652
00:22:12,339 --> 00:22:14,841
Oh well, she just got into town, and she phoned me.
653
00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:17,878
And so we decided to get
together and talk over old times.
655
00:22:17,978 --> 00:22:19,046
She was my first, you know.
656
00:22:19,146 --> 00:22:20,214
Your first wife?
657
00:22:20,314 --> 00:22:21,215
Yes.
658
00:22:21,315 --> 00:22:22,049
And my third.
659
00:22:22,149 --> 00:22:23,517
I married her twice.
660
00:22:23,617 --> 00:22:26,587
You've had two wives and three marriages?
661
00:22:26,687 --> 00:22:28,021
Oh, yes.
662
00:22:28,121 --> 00:22:29,656
None of them worked out.
663
00:22:29,756 --> 00:22:32,092
I have this bad, bad temper you see.
664
00:22:32,192 --> 00:22:37,764
And well, I'm prone to hit people that I love.
665
00:22:37,864 --> 00:22:40,701
You hit your wives?
666
00:22:40,801 --> 00:22:42,569
Well I have.
667
00:22:42,669 --> 00:22:45,239
I must be upsetting you people with my problems.
668
00:22:45,339 --> 00:22:46,573
No, no, no.
669
00:22:46,673 --> 00:22:49,109
No, it's very interesting.
670
00:22:49,209 --> 00:22:53,680
I've been going to this psychiatrist now, and
I must say, it's been very, very helpful.
672
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:56,717
I hardly hit at all anymore.
673
00:22:56,817 --> 00:22:59,052
Well how about Donna and Sally?
674
00:22:59,152 --> 00:23:00,654
Oh, they're lovely girls.
675
00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:01,622
I like both of them.
676
00:23:01,722 --> 00:23:05,359
Well enough to hit--
to take them out again?
678
00:23:05,459 --> 00:23:06,093
Yes.
679
00:23:06,193 --> 00:23:07,461
That's why I won't.
680
00:23:07,561 --> 00:23:12,032
Now you see, my psychiatrist has advised me never
to take a woman out more than once until I've
682
00:23:12,132 --> 00:23:13,867
completely solved my problem.
683
00:23:13,967 --> 00:23:16,036
Oh, well that sounds like a good idea.
684
00:23:16,136 --> 00:23:20,674
Oh, yes, it's no sense in hurting
people you've grown fond of.
686
00:23:20,774 --> 00:23:22,276
No, no sense in that at all.
687
00:23:22,376 --> 00:23:24,778
I'd have asked one of them to that dance next weekend.
688
00:23:24,878 --> 00:23:27,648
But-- well, I like both of them too much.
689
00:23:27,748 --> 00:23:29,616
Oh well that's wonderful.
690
00:23:29,716 --> 00:23:32,152
I mean-- I mean that--
well, you know.
691
00:23:32,252 --> 00:23:33,954
Yeah, I know what you mean.
692
00:23:34,054 --> 00:23:35,188
Well, goodbye.
693
00:23:39,426 --> 00:23:42,162
Say goodbye to Sally and Donna for me.
694
00:23:42,262 --> 00:23:44,031
Yes, we certainly will do that.
695
00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:48,168
Oh, if you know any other girls,
I'd be happy to meet them once.
697
00:23:48,268 --> 00:23:50,504
Well, I'll really have to dash now to meet my wife.
698
00:23:50,604 --> 00:23:51,405
Oh.
699
00:23:51,505 --> 00:23:52,806
Oh.
700
00:23:52,906 --> 00:23:54,041
Oh, don't worry.
701
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:56,677
That's just a nervous habit.
702
00:23:56,777 --> 00:23:57,744
I don't like her anymore.
703
00:23:57,844 --> 00:23:58,979
Well, bye.
704
00:24:13,727 --> 00:24:16,530
I just want you to know I still love you.
705
00:24:16,630 --> 00:24:22,869
Darling, there are other ways of showing people your love.
706
00:24:22,969 --> 00:24:25,005
Oh, boy-- what did you-- that hurt!
707
00:24:25,105 --> 00:24:27,074
Oh, come on, I didn't even touch you.
708
00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:28,842
What, you didn't touch-- come on, put them up.
709
00:24:28,942 --> 00:24:31,144
Rob!
45577
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