Original subtitles

Yes!

Uh-huh uh-huh

I cannot be defeated.

Who else wants some?

I do.

Why can't I ever beat him?

'Cause you got no game, Gus.

I'd stick to tapping. Ball up.

All right, Shawn, first one to 11 wins.

How much are you spotting me?

Nothing. Winners don't need spots.

- You know what they need? - Steroids.

Nobody's using that stuff, Gus.

That's just a rumor.

I'll tell you what they need, Shawn.

They need to believe that they can be victorious

no matter how tough the challenge.

Now...

Start believing.

Get that weak-ass crap out of my face!

This is my house!

Technically, it's the bank's.

You're never gonna improve in life

if you keep competing with people who stink.

No offense, Gus. None taken.

You've got to challenge yourself.

If you don't, complacency sets in.

And bad things happen when we become complacent.

"If you tell anyone my secret, Eden,

"my career will be over.

We will be over," said Chase.

Eden replied, "I'd die before I'd tell anyone

you're a shapeshifter, doctor."

If only Eden knew how prophetic those words would be.

End of disc five

of Internity.

Look, there's a reason those books have sold

almost 30 million copies, Gus.

Mostly to teenage girls.

And adult males who enjoy reading stories

about vampire doctors and their dysfunctional dating lives.

- You're one to talk,

Mr. "I bought win a date with Tad Hamilton on DVD."

There were 15 deleted scenes, Shawn.

15.

You said you were going to the office last night

to catch up on work.

Which I did, then I saw those beers in the fridge.

Our fridge doesn't work.

- Yes, but 7-11's does.

It is there that I saw the Internity audiobooks for sale

and decided that the paperwork would have to wait.

Hey, how'd your date go with that chick

who spells her name weird?

- Her name is Kim and she spells it k-i-m.

Which is just obnoxious.

It's like if I was "Shawn" with three Ss.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm in a relationship.

Please. You've known her for six days.

Which have been pure magic.

You know when you just know?

Great. You guys.

Well, good morning to you too, Minka.

Gus will have his usual.

Six chocolate chip muffins and a chocolate milk.

- Extra chocolate-y.

I'll take down a baked good that I will

be choosing momentarily and a latte

that your fine establishment will be paying for

once I nail the trivia question that you put on that board

just like I do every morning.

Oh, except this one.

I'm afraid your confidence reeks falser

than your boyfriend's I.D.,

which, FYI, I saw taped to the counter at 7-11.

Good luck to you.

Wait till you get a chance

to meet Kim at the wedding on Saturday.

You are going to love her.

If you think that I'm gonna be a third wheel

to you and Kim with one "I," then you're nuts.

I'm bringing my own date. Who?

- I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with "goo-liet."

Juliet?

You nailed it on the first guess.

That's tight. When did you ask her?

I haven't yet. I'm not worried.

It's a lock she'll say, "yes."

How do you know?

"A," she has no plans that night.

"B," there's always been a sort of unspoken,

sometimes spoken thing between the two of us.

And, four, I happen to know she loves spontaneity.

You know why? Because I can read women.

And she used to have that on her Facebook page.

Which I read.

Eh, I think it's time to roll the dice.

Order's ready.

And so is today's question.

"How many times is the 'f' bomb

used in the usual suspects?"

Whoo! Minka.

Taking things up a notch.

That might actually require a sip of coffee.

Ah! Ah! No googling.

Don't insult my intelligence.

Shawn?

Ahem. 97.

Actually, I believe it's 98.

Fenster dropped one after that lineup scene.

Often gets mistaken for the word "gug,"

which isn't even a word.

But let's be honest. It should be.

What's happening right here?

He's right. It's 98.

What?

What can I get you?

It's on the house.

Oh, I'm actually good.

I just came in to use your recycling bin.

Who the "gug" is that guy?

That'll be $14.95.

I'm still annoyed, Gus.

Who cares about the question?

I can't believe we're working on the lord's day.

And Sunday, for that matter.

Sunday is the lord's day, Shawn.

Lassie, I didn't know you were playing golf today.

I wasn't.

Jules, what do we got?

- Lucy Friedman, 70-year-old female

found dead on her blanket after the philharmonic last night,

but she wasn't discovered until this morning.

We don't know the cause yet.

I do. Redom.

I love the philharmonic.

Oh, me too. I'm just kidding.

Not.

- Stop trying to single-handedly

bring "not" back into vogue.

Okay. Not.

I'm also gonna bring back "said the liar."

- That one is even dumber. - Said the liar.

There's no visible marks or signs of a struggle.

Doesn't look like foul play to me.

Oh, whoa, Lassie. The psychic gods disagree.

I'm sensing that there is a direct link

between this poor woman's death

and the deaths of a Peter Hodges

and a Veronica Miller earlier this week.

And what link would that be?

All three died within close proximity

of an aerosol can.

All right, who are you?

And why do you keep stealing my moments?

I'm sorry. Declan Rand, criminal profiler.

Right.

Chief Vick said you'd be stopping by.

I'm Detective Carlton Lassiter.

This is my partner Juliet O'Hara and...Eh.

Criminal profiler, huh?

Sounds like one of those job titles

that only exists in cheesy tv shows.

No argument here.

What is it that you do?

I'm a psychic Detective.

You know what?

He's right about the aerosol cans.

Hodges died holding a thing of vinyl protectant

and Miller was found within feet of a can of hairspray.

So you're saying this is a serial killer?

Well, the consistencies at each scene

combined with the close timing of the deaths

certainly makes it a possibility.

Definitely recommend checking the contents of those cans.

I'm gonna make a call.

- Thanks for the tip. - Oh, no.

It's my pleasure, Detective.

Wow.

Why don't I like this guy? I don't know.

Maybe 'cause he keeps stealing your thunder.

Because his name is "Declan."

Don't you find that utterly ridiculous?

No.

That's because your name's "Burton."

Can we get out of here?

Not until I ask Jules to be my date to the wedding.

- Now is not the time. - Why not?

Well, for starters, there's a dead body

ten yards away.

- Don't be so old-fashioned.

Jules?

May I have a word?

Yeah, what's up?

Well, uh...

I know this is totally short notice,

but I was wondering if, uh, uh,

you'd like to be my date to a friend's wedding on Saturday?

Are you asking me out next to a dead person?

- Told you. - Yes.

But I thought it would be okay, since it doesn't really smell.

Saturday?

Uh, I would love to... Fantastic.

But I literally just made plans with someone else.

What? Who?

Oh, come on.

- But if I had known... - No.

That's fine.

O'Hara, need you over here!

Okay, um, well, we should talk about this later, yeah?

Yes, later.

Hmm.

Really don't like the cut of that guy's jib, Gus.

Something about him. What is it?

Let see. He's smart.

Knowledgeable of film.

Crime-solving machine.

He's Shawn 2.0.

In between the lines

there's a lot of obscurity

I'm not inclined to resign to maturity

if it's all right

then you're all wrong

but why bounce around to the same damn song?

you'd rather run but you can't crawl

I know you know

that I'm not telling the truth

I know you know

they just don't have any proof

embrace the deception

learn how to bend

your worst inhibition's

gonna psych you out in the end

I don't understand why you're giving Declan

all the credit for coming up with the fact

that there was poison in those cans

when you know I had the exact same take.

So why didn't you say anything?

Because he beat me to the punch, Gus.

Just like with Juliet and the trivia question.

- You're a big, fat person. - No, I'm not.

I know.

I was trying to get you back for making me feel bad.

- Shawn, hey. - Hey, Jules!

Why are you talking like that?

- Sometimes he over-enunciates when he gets uncomfortable.

I do not.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Um, listen, about yesterday,

you know, I was thinking about it

and I barely know Declan.

I will reschedule with him if you really need a date

to this wedding.

No, no, Jules, I don't need a date.

I only asked you that 'cause I thought you might

be looking for something to do this weekend, you know?

Finding another date will be no problem, trust me.

Oh, good.

I'm glad. Yeah.

Did you hear that?

Every ill-conceived word.

Now I have to find a date to this thing.

Yeah, you do.

Okay, listen up.

If you haven't heard already,

we have a potential serial killer on the loose

who has poisoned three victims within five days.

Now, your department heads will brief you

on the specifics, but what you need to know right now

is that every officer here is on this case.

All precinct resources will be made available to you,

including outside consultants.

Specifically we'll be bringing in psych

because of their experience working with serial killers.

- We help them write and produce one-act plays on the weekends.

They're usually very dark.

We're also hiring Declan Rand.

Hello.

- Highly-trained criminal profiler

who also brought us our first big break in the case.

You've got to be kidding me.

He's gonna share with us his initial profile of the suspect.

We will not have another serial killer loose on our streets.

Thank you. Thank you, Karen.

Now, each of the victims was killed by hemlock,

a poison that in addition to being a lot of fun to say...

don't take my word for it. Come on.

Hemlock.

Works by slowing shutting down the immune system,

creating an almost peaceful death.

Hemlock.

And given that the victims were all over the age of 60

and suffering from major illnesses,

I believe our killer could have euthanistic intentions.

You mean like mercy killings?

Exactly and it's my estimation

they were committed by a female in her mid-30s

most likely suffering from an overwhelming compassionate side.

- I know who it is. - Who?

Alicia Silverstone.

By the way, Declan, her first role

was in the movie the Crush.

Actually, that was her second role.

She first did an uncredited appearance in the Wonder Years.

N...

She did. He's right.

He's good. Hemlock.

Okay, now that we've got that all cleared up,

let's go out there and get this guy...Or girl.

What are you doing, Shawn?

First, you hire two geriatric cops.

Fine. Now you bring in this

hacky profiler with the world's worst name

and the most impossibly dark eye lashes

on any man ever. Hemlock.

Stop it.

When are you gonna realize that Gus and I

are all you need?

All right, first of all, I agree about the name,

but this guy is not a hack, Shawn.

I have got glowing recommendations

from two different chiefs of police.

Check out his resume.

He has a masters in psychology and criminology from Harvard

and an MBA? Get out of here.

He's got a monkey basketball league?

Shawn, this guy is good.

I hope you're up to the challenge.

- What are you talking about? - Oh, come on, kid.

Let's face it. You've been sloppy lately.

You're showing up at crime scenes after a late night out.

Or in.

And you mailed in the last case I gave you, literally.

My email was down.

Besides, I was right, wasn't I?

It doesn't matter.

How does that not matter?

The point is, if you want to hang with this guy,

you're gonna have to up your game.

Please.

Declan Rand can't touch my game. You know why?

Because it's on fire and it's covered

with those little things that porcupines have.

Quills.

You watch while I smoke this arrogant fool.

Hey, guys, I just wanted to say

I am blown away by the numbers of cases

you've solved over the years.

I just looked it up.

It's an honor and a pleasure to be working with both of you.

Someone likes themselves.

Thanks, Declan.

Yeah, man, I got to be honest.

I'm just not a big believer in the ability

to psychologically profile a complete stranger.

Well, I respect that, but I do it successfully

all the time.

Really?

Try me.

I'd really prefer not to.

Because you can't.

- Well, the truth is I... - You're not able.

You're highly intelligent, but you're shameful

of that fact, so you play it down

with the use of inappropriate behavior,

and you live in fear of showing weakness

so you hide behind a constant barrage of jokes and sarcasm.

I agree.

Not. Said the liar.

Not sure those two go together.

"Said the liar" cancels "not" out.

So does your face.

What else?

I've noticed you overly enunciate words at times,

which I suspect is some kind of nervous reaction

to confrontation or awkwardness.

Yeah. Couldn't be further off.

Well, I tried.

Take care.

He wasn't off.

I know.

As you can see, we have the body of our victim

from the park right here.

And right here we have Ms. Miller and Mr. Hodges.

What about that one?

Oh, that's a photo my 15-year-old daughter's taken

for her photography class.

Is that dead person you?

Very observant. Yes.

It's amazing what just a... really...

a little ketchup and baby powder can do.

Anyway, I think that I agree with Declan's theory

that these are all mercy killings.

What? Look, Woody,

we're just looking for the facts here.

Since when?

You see, each of these victims

was suffering from a life-threatening disease.

Cirrhosis and advanced hepatitis, respectively,

and Mrs. Friedman here was suffering from Wilson's disease.

Wilson's disease?

"Your patient dying of Wilson's disease

is going to get a liver from the donor list,"

exclaimed Chase.

Eden was ecstatic.

"But if I do the surgery, the blood loss

"will be enormous, because I will most likely

drink half of it."

Eden was in a bind.

Yeah, she was.

You are never allowed to mock me

for listening to those books again.

I'm getting something.

What is it?

Those were not mercy killings.

I don't know what in Sam's hell this has to do

with a transplant list, but I'm fairly certain

it's a waste of time.

I say we trust Shawn's instincts on this one.

Said the liar.

He was supporting you.

Really? I jumped the gun.

Excuse me, Detective?

I believe this is what you were asking for.

It's a list of all of the people in the area

waiting for a liver transplant.

- Oh, crap. - What?

Look at the first three names.

Peter Hodges, Veronica Miller, Lucy Friedman.

Someone could be killing people off

to move up the list.

Exactly.

Nice try though, buddy.

Hmm.

Just out of curiosity, who's the next person in line?

Catherine Bicks.

- Age? - 35.

She totally matches your profile.

Well done, Declan.

"Well done, Declan"?

Since when do you use first names?

We need to track this girl down.

Hey, I'm the one that came up with the list thing.

Good work, Shawn.

Shut up, Declan.

Krista, hey. Shawn Spencer here.

Yes, I am the one that took you to that Dodgers game.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up.

I did not run onto the field.

I merely took a few steps to follow a foul ball.

Ended up in center field after it ricocheted off a divider

where I proceeded to make like Billy "White Shoes" Johnson.

I realize that reference is lost on you.

What are you doing on Saturday?

Hello?

Please tell me you did not sleep here again last night.

Nope.

Got here half an hour ago to get stuff done.

What?

Tried to make some Joe, but our coffee maker's busted.

We don't have a coffee maker.

What was I fiddling with for the last half hour?

What is all that?

This? This right here?

This is research I dug up on all the people

that make up the transplant list.

Hmm.

I got to say, Shawn, this is pretty impressive.

Mm-hmm.

I guess your dad should hire ringers more often.

Trust me on this.

Declan is no ringer.

Once I've proved that the killer is someone on this list

not named Catherine Bicks, everyone,

including Juliet, will realize that.

Okay, I get it.

So you figure if you can win this case,

then you'll win Juliet.

No, but if making Declan look sucky

somehow diminishes his appeal in Juliet's eyes, I'll take it.

Look, Gus, this isn't personal.

You do realize everything you just said

is the definition of "personal," right?

Not.

Hello, dad.

Catherine Bicks was spotted entering her house

about an hour ago.

You two have to get over there immediately.

Shawn?

Are you listening to me?

My humidifier looks nothing like a coffee maker.

I'll buy you a new one.

To Catherine, she was justified in killing

the people ahead of her on that list

because unlike them, she has entire life ahead of her.

We call it sociopathic rationalization.

Ugh, I find that stuff fascinating.

- Me too. - Don't say, "not."

None of those stupid expressions are coming back.

That's what they said about hammer pants.

Which never came back.

Then why did I just buy three pair?

- Because you're an idiot. - Because it's hammer time.

It's never hammer time, Shawn.

Dare you to tell hammer that.

Can I help you?

Catherine Bicks, we'd like to ask you

a few questions about a recent string of murders in this area.

Wow.

Okay, come on in.

I'm not a suspect, am I?

I don't know. Should you be?

Listen, I don't know what's going on here, but I...

Ma'am, please keep your hands where I can see them.

No, I just need to grab...

Put your hands in the air now!

Catherine, hi.

I'm sensing that you recently spent some time

in Switzerland. Is that correct?

Yeah.

I was visiting my liver specialist there.

- Mm-hmm. Good two weeks or so?

2 1/2.

You can prove that?

My passport's in my purse.

That's what I was reaching for before he pulled

this giant gun out at me.

It's stamped.

Catherine, I am so sorry.

Um, you have yourself a great day, okay?

Oops.

You play softball?

I play.

Feels fun.

This is probably a weird time to ask,

but do you have plans on Saturday?

Are you sure we don't want to ask her more questions?

She was a precise match in my profile.

Your profile can kiss my big, round, white dumper, Declan.

I do not enjoy pointing my gun at innocent women.

- You don't? - No.

I'm not 29 anymore.

It was a good effort, deck.

I guess we should check the next person

on the transplant list.

Yeah, that is a Leonard Jimenez.

He lives at 19 Willow Street. That's 10 minutes from here.

Let's go.

Gus and I will meet you there.

Why the hell are we at a hotel?

Because Leonard Jimenez died of liver cancer three days ago.

I learned that in my research this morning.

So why didn't you tell that to Lassiter and Juliet?

Must have slipped my mind, Gus.

Look, in the hour or so it takes them to put it together,

I figure we'll bust the next person on the list,

who I know is the real killer,

and Declan can't swoop in and steal my thunder

like the little thunder-stealer he is.

You are an unbelievable person.

Who's the next person on this list?

That guy.

Everyone here has a handful of stories

about old Fitzy.

I know I have about three handfuls,

which doesn't make any sense.

Fitz looks scary, Gus.

That doesn't mean he's guilty, Shawn.

- You looking at him? - Yes.

Pure evil.

Strong enough to overwhelm any one of our victims.

Plus, he has an arrest record and we've gone on far less.

Well, how do you plan on apprehending him?

It's not like we have guns.

No, but I have this.

What are you gonna do? Check his reflexes?

- It was the only weapon-like thing you had in the car.

Well, you better do something,

'cause we're not being very discreet.

You're indiscreet.

And he's one of the kindest,

most generous souls we've ever come acr...

I have a different kind of story about Fitz!

Do you mind, Donny?

My name's Greg.

One of illness both mental and physical

and unrelenting greed.

On the outside, he may look warm, kind,

and like the coach from white shadow,

but on the inside is a cold, dark soul

capable of taking the lives of others

in order to save his own.

I am afraid, members of the JOBA society,

that your Fitzy...

- Uh-oh.

- Is a cold-blooded murderer!

That's not Fitzy.

Where's Fitzy?

- You embarrassed a well-respected,

not to mention seriously ill member of our society,

Shawn, at his own award ceremony.

Who had an arrest record.

It involved a peaceful protest in the '60s.

That was not specified in the Google info I received.

Plus, the fact that you lied to us.

It was a lie of omission, Lassie.

There's a difference. Come on.

We made a mistake. "We"?

You're right. Gus made a mistake.

Look...

It doesn't make any sense to dwell on mistakes

when there is a murderer on the loose.

You don't hear me bringing up Declan's

erroneous profile that resulted

in Lassiter scaring the crap out of an innocent woman.

- Appreciate that. - All right, listen up.

We just got a big break.

We just had a man who came forward who claims

to have witnessed a stranger switching

Lucy Friedman's insect repellent last night.

Let me guess... He was homeless.

Yes, well done.

He just sat with our sketch artist and I believe

we have the first look at our suspect.

Looks like Catherine Bicks to me.

Damn it, we had her.

You had her and you just walked away

without any further questions?

I pulled my gun on her.

She had a stamped passport that said

she'd been out of the country for two weeks.

Clearly, it was a phony.

No wonder she refused police protection.

Come on, people.

And that was good work, Declan.

Thank you. Thank you, chief.

Yes, good work, Declan.

We never should have doubted you.

Gug.

No, it is. It's gonna be a blast and white.

Okay, look forward to seeing you too, Gina.

Bye-bye.

You did not just invite crazy Gina Rapach to that wedding.

Look, dude, I didn't have a choice.

Last girls I asked are either out of the country,

recently married, or wanted for poisoning people.

When was the last time you even spoke to her?

I don't know. I guess the night I was shot.

Gina is not the kind of girl to be messing with, Shawn.

She is obsessed with you.

Would you relax? It's fine.

She knows we're only friends. It's a one-off.

He's gonna marry me.

- Any luck? - No.

It looks like she took off about an hour ago.

She could be halfway to China by now.

Pretty sure somewhere outside of Vegas.

I'm betting she's still close by.

Why is that?

This isn't a person driven by fear

or any emotion for that matter.

I strongly suspect she's suffering

from a major depersonalization disorder.

Where have I heard that term before?

- DPD? - No.

The depersonalization thing.

It's a disorder characterized

by feeling detached from one's mental or emotional process.

Catherine's currently going through the motions of life

without actually experiencing them.

Chase suffers from depersonalization disorder,

characterized by feeling detached

from one's mental or emotional process.

He's currently going through the motions of life

without experiencing them.

It's as if he were a character in a movie.

It's as if she were a character in a movie.

Therefore, I anticipate her next move

to be more logical than emotional.

Do you, Declan?

You got it.

Chief wants us to regroup back at the station at 4:00.

All right, let's break till then.

All right, I'll see you guys there.

Not if we see you first, buddy.

- What do you got? - Three things.

One, I'm not the only closet chick-lit lover around here.

Two, Declan is a complete fraud.

And "h," he may just be our murderer.

While you were annoyingly talking to Kim

for the ninth time today, I was on the phone with Harvard,

who said that there is no record of Declan going there.

So the guy lied on his resume.

If that makes someone a killer, then you're Ted Bundy.

Look, Gus, this isn't about me

or the fact that I wasn't really a background dancer

in the Thriller video.

This is about Declan, a crazy serial killer

who targeted the people on that list

because he knew someone else would look guilty.

This guy is pretending to be a criminal profiler

so that he can steer us in that direction.

But you were the one who figured out

they were all in need of a liver.

Oh, now you want to admit that.

Declan had the same information I did.

He just let me get there first.

I know this man because he also listened to Internity.

Or read.

I just said he didn't go to Harvard, Gus.

I don't know, Shawn.

Maybe you have a thing against profilers.

He's guilty, all right?

And for the record, Lassie agrees.

I ran the theory by him. Why would you consult Lassie?

Because unlike you and Jules, he's not smitten with this guy.

I'm not smitten.

You're Jimmy Smitten.

Trust me, Gus.

Everything you think you know about this guy is a lie.

Where the heck is he going?

Once again, we're on the verge of trying

to apprehend a potential killer without a weapon.

Don't worry.

I came prepared this time.

Hello, Declan.

Hey, guys.

Welcome to the barbecue I didn't know I was throwing.

Come on in.

Sweet place.

Whose is it, Declan?

If Declan's even your real name.

If it's not, by the way, you made a ridiculous choice.

- It's mine. - Right.

Did you pay for it with all your profiler money?

I think he's telling the truth, Shawn.

Come on, Gus.

What about this place would possibly make you say that?

Other than the giant portrait of him hanging on the wall

behind me now.

Holy crap. You're rich, huh?

Filthy, actually.

Sorry, that's a crass way of putting it.

I'm seriously loaded.

That painting kind of makes you look like John Stamos.

Thank you.

When do you plan on dropping that grill fork?

Soon as you agree to tell us your real story.

Fair enough.

Walk with me, gentlemen.

When they do I'll be right behind you

So about six years ago, I was just running

a small hedge fund and I just decided

to make a bunch of bets against the housing market.

Few months later, bam!

They were backing a truck up to my house.

Had to fade it

everybody wants to rule the...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me! Yes?

Why is there a man who looks exactly like Curt Smith

from tears for fears playing an acoustic set

next to that tree and your swimming pool?

I'm sorry. I should have introduced you.

Curt, meet Shawn and Gus.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

Oh, dear God. It's you.

The real you. The fleshy you.

I love you.

Do you have any idea

how much I love you?

I think I do now.

Yeah, I flew Curt in

to play a party I was throwing this past weekend

and he just decided to stay a few extra days

'cause we really hit it off.

And he's paying me.

Yeah, but it's mostly because we enjoy hanging, right?

It's been a ball of fun.

You are paying me, right? Yes.

- Well, because, um... - Mad world.

Mad world.

All around me are familiar faces

What can I say?

It gets a little lonely around here.

Anyway, so there I was in my late 30s,

never having to worry about money again,

so I decided to pursue the childhood dream.

- Criminal profiler? - No, Sushi chef.

But the whole seven-year thing, it was just too much.

So then I thought, "how cool would it be

to solve crime all day?"

And I knew all this stuff about psychology

'cause my dad used to be a therapist.

Sounds familiar.

So I fudged a few qualifications

and I gave it a shot and turns out I have a gift.

He had a gift for...

Curt, please!

What did I say about going off book?

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

Listen, you guys aren't gonna tell chief Vick, are you?

No, but you better damn well tell Juliet.

She's into you. Cool, man.

I'm into her. She's awesome.

But if I tell her, my career could be over.

What would I have left?

Millions and millions of dollars?

What's your plan exactly?

Just keep dating Juliet and keep the fact

that you're a complete phony secret?

- Isn't that your plan? - Not talking about me now.

I really haven't thought it out that far.

Well, let me help you out.

She is not the kind of girl you mess with, all right?

She is the real deal.

You either tell her you're a fake criminal profiler

or I will.

You do that, and then I'll be forced

to tell her you're not a real psychic.

Mad wor...

A dramatic pause? Really?

Come on, Curt.

That's beneath you, man.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come on, Shawn.

I've been on to you since the beginning.

Don't forget we read the same books.

They have the same taste in...

Curt, for chrissake.

I say one thing, you do the other.

Don't sweat it. I still love you.

Could you just stop saying you love me?

Done and done.

I do though, love you, that is.

- Shawn? - What?

I love Curt Smith and I don't care who knows.

I will sing it from the rooftops, Gus.

Everybody

wants to rule the world

Dad, you have got to fire this guy.

He is a fraud.

So are you.

Yeah, but I'm a productive one.

So is he.

And he knows tears for fears.

Half. He knows half of tears for fears.

The half that I love. The half that I would do any...

Shawn.

All right, look, Shawn, I can't just fire him.

There are no legal requirements one needs

to call themselves a criminal profiler.

Look, dad, if this was about lighting a fire under me,

it worked, okay?

He gets results.

And why don't you quit complaining to me,

get your ass out there like Declan,

and start tracking down our murderer?

You're loving this, aren't you?

They just spotted Catherine Bicks

walking through a parking garage.

Ahh.

- Uh-oh.

We were right, Spencer.

Declan Rand, you're under arrest

for the murder of Catherine Bicks.

You, take this joker down to interrogation room "a."

Yep.

I always knew he was a no-good murderer.

Shawn, you know very well he didn't do it.

Fine. I was wrong, probably.

The best kind of wrong.

The kind that makes you feel good about yourself.

What, Gus? What do you want me to do?

Help prove his innocence.

All right, starting Sunday after the wedding.

Shawn.

Okay.

Lassie? What?

- Before you start your legally-questionable

interrogation techniques, may we have

five minutes with Declan?

All right, you've got five minutes,

but then you tell him I'm coming

and hell is coming with me.

All right, what?

Hey.

Guys, I'm so glad you're here.

Will you do me a huge favor?

Will you check in on Curt and make sure

he isn't throwing a bender?

'Cause I think he and that dude from crowded house...

I think they're plotting something.

Neil Finn?

There's no way we're missing that.

What happened in that garage?

I don't know.

I heard on the police radio Catherine was spotted there.

I wanted to be there first to show you up a little,

and then I arrived to find her laying dead.

But why would the police think I was a murderer?

That is not important right now.

Do you have any idea who else it may have been?

I wish. There's no pattern

to the murders anymore.

The first three were poisoned

and Catherine died from a blow to the head.

- Yeah, that's weird. - Yeah, and get this.

Catherine almost appeared healthier

than she did when we first saw her.

You know, minus the whole dead thing.

I've got something.

Oh, come on, Shawn. It's just us.

There's no need for this anymore.

Seriously? You're challenging me right now?

I'm trying to help you.

I just thought it was ridiculous.

So is your face.

Okay, sorry. What'd you get?

Stay tuned.

Come on, Gus, let's go have a conversation

with our favorite weirdo.

I don't know how you do it, Shawn,

but you were spot on.

About what?

A lot of things.

My wife, for example, wasn't just friends

with that college freshman, and Catherine here

wasn't suffering from cirrhosis of the liver.

In fact, prior to the head trauma that ended her life,

she was the model of health.

She applied makeup under her eyes the day that we saw her

in order to appear sick.

Why?

Same reason a middle-aged woman

sleeps with a star lacrosse player.

Those are completely unrelated, Woody.

And better yet, why would she want to get on a list

for a new liver when hers was perfectly healthy?

How did she get on is the better question.

There's an intense screening process one has to go through.

There is no way someone that healthy would get that far.

Woody, is she a lefty or a righty?

Oh, definitely a righty.

Muscles in that arm are much more developed.

That wasn't Catherine in the photo.

Who uses the parking garage where she was killed?

- An apartment complex, why? - I'll tell you on the way.

Your wife's also sleeping with her personal trainer.

Yeah, it's okay. I approved that one.

I'm sensing the killer is in apartment five.

- You positive about this? - Absolutely.

Open up!

Better be right about this, Spencer.

Put your hands up.

Put your hands in the air.

Put 'em up!

Catherine?

What the hell is going on?

Not Catherine.

This is Maddy.

- Her sister. - Exactly.

See, Maddy is the one with the severe liver problems.

But she can't qualify for a transplant list

on account of her alcoholism.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Clearly. My apologies.

So she and Catherine hatched a plan.

Maddy took her sister's I.D. to a doctor

so she could get put on the list.

As Catherine.

Now all she had to do was wait

for her number to be called and her life would be saved.

But Maddy was getting sicker and more impatient.

When Catherine left the country, she decided

to start killing people on the list above her,

so that she could move up.

They had all lived long lives.

Not the most sympathetic defense.

Then Catherine got home, found out what she was doing.

She confronted you in that parking garage.

We have got to go to the cops.

We are not going to the cops and if you think...

You are so selfish!

I will not let you!

And in a rage, you pushed her down.

She banged her head.

She died.

Catherine?

I don't know what happened.

You pushed her down.

She banged her head.

Shawn.

A common side effect of severe liver failure is psychosis.

She probably doesn't even know what she's doing.

I owe you huge.

No, I mean huge, Shawn.

And as a token of my appreciation,

I'm gonna loan out Curt Smith for your buddy's wedding.

What? Now don't play with me.

Fair warning though. He's an angry drunk.

I mean, who throws a keytar into a jacuzzi?

Oh, that's money.

Listen.

I've been thinking about what you're saying about Juliet,

and it's silly for anyone to keep a giant secret

about themselves from someone they could potentially

fall for, you know?

I do, actually.

- So I'm gonna come clean. - Really?

'Cause I was thinking about doing the same thing.

- Really? - Yeah.

I was thinking maybe it's time.

Time for what?

Jules.

Uh...

Here's the thing.

Will you take a walk with me?

Can you give us a sec?

I'm a fraud.

What?

I don't have any, uh,

fancy degrees from Harvard

or years of experience as a profiler.

I'm just a guy with a little knowledge of psychology

and a love for catching bad guys.

This whole persona I've been putting on is just...

It's a complete fake and I just thought

it was important to tell you this,

'cause you strike me as the kind of person

who appreciates honesty.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

Well, let's talk about it.

Or not.

Well, that didn't go very well, did it, Shawn?

Shh. Just give me one second, deck.

Let me just... one second here and...

Done.

This is actually the first time

that I'm glad you beat me to the punch.

I can't thank you enough, man.

Well, you'll get other opportunities to talk to her.

Me? Not so much.

Listen, Declan...

You're right about one thing.

There's nothing I value more than honesty

and it does really bother me that you would lie like that,

but I'm also just blown away that you could be

just so forthcoming.

Took a lot of guts.

Should we talk it out over coffee?

I don't think so.

Sure.

But if you're sitting on any other life secrets,

now is the time to tell me.

Okay.

I'm really rich.

Okay, I can deal with that.

Wow.

Curt's really losing it.

Blah blah blah blah

wants to rule the...

world

Gus, there you are.

You missed the entire ceremony.

Where's Kim?

Man, we broke up.

What? You're kidding me.

What happened? I don't know.

We were out having a nice lunch today,

when out of nowhere she goes,

"it's like we don't know each other anymore."

That's because as of a week ago, you didn't.

Man, this sucks.

I can't believe I'm single again.

You know who can?

Anyone who met you eight days ago.

How about showing some compassion, Shawn?

Absolutely not. That whole thing was absurd.

You're a ridiculous person.

You're a ridiculous person. How about that?

What's the latest with Gina?

Has she tried to kill you yet

for uninviting her to this wedding?

No, because I came up with a fix.

This buffet is so good.

Hi, Gus.

Hello, Gina.

You have problems. Help me.

You have got to try the bruschetta, Shawn, seriously.

I'd really prefer not to.

Oh, well, then I'll be the only one with garlic breath

and it'll be really gross when we make out later.

Yes, it will.

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh!

He had a gift involving

problem solving

never backing down

It's really garlic-y. Ugh!

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