Original subtitles

All right! Now then, let's get this show on the road.

We thank you for having purchased the Blu-ray or DVD of the anime series, Bakemonogatari Vol. 1: Hitagi Crab.

I will be serving as one of the voices on this commentary track...

I'm Tsubasa Hanekawa, a third-year student at Naoetsu High School.

Well, well, Ms. Hanekawa. "I will be serving as..." - now, aren't you the polite one?

Meanwhile, something unspeakable is happening onscreen.

Your Exalted Panties...

Your Exalted Panties are clearly visible.

This video is actually being sold nationwide... are you okay with that?

Well... There's nothing I can do about it, is there?

Nothing you can do about it...?

Ms. Hanekawa, I must say that your sense of virtue is unexpectedly absent.

You think so?

As for me, I'm practically made of virtue, through and through.

People call me The Woman Made of Concrete.

Likewise, I'll be serving as the other voice on this commentary track.

I'm Hitagi Senjyogahara, a third-year student at Naoetsu High School.

"Woman Made of Concrete," did you say?

I'm sure those listening to this commentary have already

seen you at your most immodest in Episode Two, Ms. Senjyogahara.

I'm not supposed to know about this scene, am I?

No. But wait, didn't you hear about it from Araragi?

He absolutely refuses to tell me anything about that time.

This is a scene from spring vacation, you know.

See? I've got a single braid - it's as plain as day.

This scene here... I'm absolutely not supposed to know what's going on, right?

Well, you just happened to find out.

I'll have to discuss this with Araragi tonight.

But it's just so cool, isn't it? This battle?

So that's what he was up to, that Araragi.

Oh... it's about to end.

Here we go, here we go!

Oh. There's Araragi running.

He's on the brink of being late.

Well, that's nothing unusual.

Those stairs are unbelievable. You can't blame anyone for being late.

But I wonder why Araragi always running late, when his kid sisters wake him up every morning?

Now that you mention it, that's a good question.

And here I am.

And there you are!

Meaning I was on the verge of being late myself, correct?

Actually, since I don't see any other students whatsoever, you must already be late.

Wait - a fall like that would kill you even if you only weighed 5 kg, wouldn't it?

Yes, it would be fatal, right?

And it would be fatal for whoever caught you as well!

Even so, don't you find Araragi to be somewhat cold here?

He thinks he might have been wrong. He's so not wrong!

This was his initial character.

Back then, Araragi was cool-headed, wasn't he?

At this point it's only a source of nostalgia, though.

Wait - he's touching my boobs here, isn't he?

All the while delivering his monologue as cool as can be...

The discussion tonight will be endless!

And he looks evil here.

He does look evil here.

Oh, the opening theme just started.

This is you singing, isn't it?

That's right. Hmm, all I can say is "Bravo, me!"

I'm without peer. Isn't it enchanting to hear?

You do have a way of nonchalantly heaping praise upon yourself.

Oh! That stapler... I'm speechless.

Ding!

An oh-so-Senjyogahara-like idea just hit me.

What?

I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about, Ms. Hanekawa,

but have you heard of Infinite Bubblewrap?

Oh, you mean that toy they sell at Toys R Us?

Well, for Toys R Us to be the first shop to come to mind at our age is somewhat questionable...

but anyway, I've come up with a Part 2!

I think they already have quite a lineup.

All right, then, Part 100! The Unlimited Stapler.

Unlimited Stapler? Not a Stapleless Stapler?

That's right. Well, it is stapleless as well.

It's not loaded, but it provides the same "snap, snap" sound, so you get that feeling of having stapled something.

Oh. Sure, I think it sounds like fun.

It's true, that feeling you get when you've stapled something... it's unique and addictive.

You know how kids in grade school go around stapling whatever they can find for no reason.

Needless to say, if it's ever released as a product,

as the inventor of the product I should be entitled to a hefty cut of the profits.

Huh? Suddenly the conversation has taken a corrupt turn.

Let's stop right now. It doesn't do this stylish opening any justice!

You call it stylish, but a gigantic me just showed up onscreen.

You're right.

What kind of style is that?

Could it be that the production staff for the opening animation was aware of my sheer caliber as a person?

I don't think someone of high caliber would demand a cut of the profits.

Oh. The opening ended while we were talking about your cut.

Leave it to me to come up with Part 101 as well!

Wow, you've really hit the ground running, Senjyogahara.

What next?

The Ultimate Stapler - Swinging Strike Version.

For perfectly recreating that indescribable feeling of having swung

and missed when you try to staple something with an empty stapler.

Well, that sounds like a stressful kind of toy...

What do you think?

I don't know, really. I mean, couldn't you just use a normal stapler for that?

A normal stapler that's out of staples is an Unlimited Stapler - Swinging Strike Version, isn't it?

Whoops. You got me there, actually.

No, you self-destructed.

Oh, it's Araragi and me.

A meeting about the School Festival...

Far be it from me to point this out, but wasn't there anyone else who could've helped you?

I mean, it's just the two of you?

Well, everyone seems to be afraid of Araragi, you know.

And Araragi's the only one who doesn't realize it.

That he's feared by everyone.

I guess not...

But anyway, while we're on the subject, I do see you two discussing the School Festival by yourselves,

but if you listen closely, you can tell that Araragi's not being of any use.

It just looks to me like you're making all the decisions.

That's not true. We are talking it over, see?

Araragi's the only one who thought it was just the two of you,

but as far as you were concerned, you were all alone.

No, that's not true...

I'll bet anything that he's thinking of something depraved.

So scary. That you can read Araragi's mind.

See, he's already fiddling with your chest area.

This guy's head is boiling.

There's no defending him, I guess...

He's not putting any effort into this conversation, is he?

He's pretending to be serious while he's talking,

but in his mind, he's thinking about something else altogether.

True...

Now that I'm watching this objectively,

I can see how Araragi's just making up random stuff as he goes along.

Hitagi is a construction term?

It's your own name. Why don't you know that?

I've never given a second thought to the origin of my name.

Well, I guess I never have, either.

There it is! Your signature phrase.

What?

You know, "I don't know everything."

Oh. Araragi really gets a kick out of my saying that, for some reason.

Although you're stating the mathematically obvious - nothing more.

I have to admit something...

What?

No, I mean confess. The lines I'm speaking here are somewhat laced with sarcasm.

Not that this guy is showing any signs of recognizing it.

He's just pushing his own agenda forward.

Well, if I thought he'd realize it, I wouldn't be sarcastic...

That's true, you know. Araragi and I were in the same class for three straight years.

And you really never had any contact in all that time?

It's not as if we never made contact at all.

I guess we were members of the Friendless Group?

What do you mean?

So you still saw me that way back then, Ms. Hanekawa.

Yes. You had me deceived.

It didn't last long, but the fact that I did manage to deceive you

is something I can brag about till my dying day... actually, you were really onto me, weren't you?

Oh, there he goes again.

Well, he's an adolescent boy, after all. What can you do?

The real mistake is brushing it off like that, if you ask me.

He's saying it's nothing, but...

Something was up, wasn't it?

Or maybe we should say it was something beyond his control.

I wish you wouldn't bring up my middle school days.

Really?

Well, because in those days my personality was fake.

Oh, my. Now they've got video up. Where on earth do they find video like this?

Actually, isn't this a spycam?

It does seem like a spycam.

I wonder if there's any video of you as a middle school girl?

There isn't. And there won't ever be any, either.

There aren't any scenes like that, anyway.

Well, Ms. Hanekawa, here you are going on and on about me,

but for my part, I actually knew who you were as well.

Since we were in middle school?

Yes. Ms. Hanekawa, it's time you realized that you've caught people's attention.

Oh, stop it. No, thanks. I'm just an ordinary girl.

He should say, "You're the beautiful one!"

Would you mind easing up on the gushing, Ms. Senjyogahara?

By the way, people treat me like a verbally abusive character, but have you noticed?

When I do spew something especially venomous, I'm almost always talking to Araragi - exclusively.

What's that, your way of showing love?

Well, I'd certainly like to think of it that way myself.

In this scene, you don't do a thing to stop him, do you?

Well, because he brought up Oshino's name.

No, that's not what I mean.

What this means is that at the end of the day,

you're perfectly capable of preparing for the School Festival on your own, am I right?

You have no need whatsoever for Araragi.

That's not true...

But he ended up not doing anything - that so-called Vice President.

And before you know it, here I am again.

Whoa! A dangerous girl makes an appearance.

So that's what you were doing. Just beyond the wall where I was prepping for the School Festival.

Isn't this like video evidence of a crime?

If they release such video all over the country, wouldn't that lead to my arrest?

So cool!

No getting away from the fact that I look like I'm enjoying myself.

Even I can't claim that I was only doing that because I had my back to the wall.

So that's where you whip out the stapler.

Oh... Araragi looks like he's really suffering.

Well, but I was suffering just as much.

What do you mean?

It hurts you more than it hurts him - is that one of those mysterious theories?

No, what I mean is...

Since I've jammed my fingers into his mouth as well,

my soft white hands are all sticky with saliva.

Well, I agree that's painful.

My, my. They're leaking my personal information.

Over 45 kg... in other words, 50 kg, right?

Absolutely not.

Anyway...

Never mind my personal info - there's a shocking video of me fully nude.

We didn't need to wait for Episode 2, huh?

Oh well, since they didn't go so far as to broadcast my BMI,

I guess I'll let it go.

That's not much of a compromise.

I think it's way overboard, though.

Maybe it's not my place to say this,

but Ms. Senjyogahara really doesn't seem to be in the mood for explaining things here.

She hasn't explained the situation at all, has she?

I know, "I met a crab" doesn't tell you much.

But wasn't that deliberate on your part?

Well, I suppose you could call it deliberate.

But I wasn't planning not to tell him anything at this point.

Never mind whether he understood or not, you know?

This scene is so mind-blowing.

Hold on a second. I know I wasn't this scary!

This must be the work of the editor and director.

Really, those pros are on an entirely different level.

So you weren't really like this?

Not at all. My approach was to scatter witty little jokes as I threatened Araragi in a gentle manner.

Wouldn't that have been even more scary?

Not only that, but they were American jokes.

"In other words, this is an extreme form of arts and crafts!"

You actually sounded hard-boiled just now.

HA HA HA!

And it's just your laugh...

Let's stop playing around with character expansion, okay?

The infamous scene is coming up.

It sure is, isn't it?

It's getting harder and harder for me to watch.

My stomach hurts.

Are you okay?

I'd like to abuse Araragi to relieve my stress.

You're doing exactly the same thing you were back then.

Oh, oh... Oops, I did it...

I don't think you should take it so lightly.

Why did you staple him, anyway?

Didn't Araragi just promise you his silence and indifference?

I thought it might surprise him.

Of course it would surprise him!

But since he broke his promise right after, that makes us even, wouldn't you say?

I don't know...

Come to think of it, this is off-topic, but did you know there's a Stapleless Stapler, Ms. Senjyogahara?

Of course I do. But even I couldn't bring myself to assault someone's skin with a thing like that.

Yes, well, it's kind of a given that it wouldn't be used to assault someone's skin...

That looks painful. Poor Araragi!

That doesn't mean much coming from you. Actually, you're in no position to say that!

Oh, and right on cue, with perfect timing, I enter the scene.

See? As soon as Araragi leaves your efficiency soars,

and you're able to finish the work in no time, Ms. Hanekawa.

No, no, we were already almost done at that point.

In no way did Araragi hinder me in my work.

The more you defend him, the more obvious it becomes that Araragi was hindering you.

And now he's talking about bananas.

So the story about you slipping on a banana peel wasn't a witty joke...

It really happened?

Yes, that really happened. It amazes me every time I think of it.

I wonder who tossed that peel.

Normally, you wouldn't eat a banana on the school stairs.

Actually, you wouldn't eat a banana at school, period.

It's not a field trip.

Here's a stunning fact.

This is the end of my screen time.

What? Oh, so you don't come out again in Episode 1?

No, no.

Hmm? You mean you're not even going to show up in this volume?

That's right. In fact, I don't think you'll see me until the end of Episode 4.

Episode 4?

In broadcast terms, that means an absence of three weeks.

And even then I only make the briefest of appearances...

Oh, wow! Ms. Senjyogahara, you're so cool!

She really looks like she's come alive there.

I wonder what she finds so enjoyable?

I mean, look - her eyes were sparkling.

The thing is, you haven't learned your lesson at all.

Considering that Araragi found out that you didn't weigh anything because you'd slipped on the stairs,

I don't know why you're flaunting everything on those same stairs, striking such a dangerous pose.

Now that you mention it, you're right. What do I think I'm doing?

Honestly, even when he showed me the inside of his mouth like that,

it was hard for me to see whether the wound was there or not.

Well, I'm sure it was.

However - the alignment of Araragi's teeth was extremely sexy.

I agree!

This is total girl-talk, isn't it?

Araragi gave such a loose description here, don't you think?

Just like you, it was like he had no motivation to explain anything.

I'm amazed that you were convinced by this speech and went along with him.

I know it seems that way watching the video,

but at the time I was convinced by what he said.

Somehow, that guy is such a smooth talker.

Actually, any girl who saw that perfect set of teeth would go along with him.

You know, it's going to destroy the character, or should I say your image, so let's stop talking about his teeth.

Oh, but did he show you that scar on his neck - the one we got a glimpse of earlier?

Because I'm sure that being shown that bite-mark would've been way more persuasive than the inside of his mouth.

Yes, it's an extreme kiss-mark.

Oh, so he had such rude thoughts in his head!

For us girls, the best thing about this Blu-ray or DVD is that we know what's going through Araragi's mind.

Yes. It's like all of the videos are bonus features.

Although the trade-off is that they're leaking your Exalted Panties and my personal info.

So it's a mixed blessing.

Only pain for me.

What a horrendous place this is.

It's the abandoned site of a cram school.

If you ask me, it looks more like an abandoned factory.

There were trees growing right through the building.

I have to say it totally doesn't make sense.

If you consider the age of trees that size,

there's no getting away from the fact that they must have been there before the building itself...

Maybe they were going for the image of being one with nature,

or co-existing with nature?

It's destruction of nature, that's all.

But really, Ms. Senjyogahara, you're about to pull them all out,

but where in the world were you storing all those stationery goods?

Mainly in my skirt.

But it was obviously way more than you could fit in your skirt.

And where did Araragi store them, I wonder?

Right. After all, pants pockets are shallower than skirt pockets, right?

I wonder what he did with them. Maybe he hid them nearby?

Maybe he ripped open his stomach and stuffed them inside?

Why would you conjure up such a bizarre image?

Well, I'm sure there was a sewing kit in my arsenal of stationery goods.

So you sewed him up? Like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood?

I wonder if he'd drown.

He'd die first.

You're lying.

You may not believe me, but I was seriously trying to deceive him here.

But don't you think 5,000 is way too many?

That's even more than the whole student body.

I wonder if it would've been more realistic to keep it down to 500 or so?

For Karen and Tsukihi, that would've been a realistic number.

I guess so.

Oh! This is the moment that I threaten to take Karen and Tsukihi hostage.

What a terrible woman.

Criticizing yourself...

Still, look closely at the screen.

Couldn't a case be made that unless I showed some wariness being brought to such a place,

the buzz would be "And she calls herself a girl?"

Look, he's got me by the hand. I'm being dragged in against my will.

Isn't it something else? You know, since you're unsteady on your feet,

Araragi's being nice and leading you by the hand, right?

See? See? Really, it's like the inside of the building leads to a different realm.

Isn't this just imagery?

Ah, now that we're side by side and in silhouette, our difference in height is unmistakable.

Even if you add the height of his hair, I'm still taller than him.

I agree about your height, but what I want to focus on is the difference in hip height.

You want to focus on that?

You're right, around this time, Araragi was at his least immortal,

including either before or after.

I guess so.

Nowadays, I can't shake the feeling that he's mastered how to use his immortality in a convenient way,

but in those days he didn't know what to do with it.

Oh, the guy finally let go of my hand.

Was it that revolting?

No, it wasn't revolting. But I'm sure that Araragi had never really held a girl's hand before.

He was gripping it so tightly.

I was worried about internal bleeding.

The maxim.

It certainly is.

So, is it about time for Oshino to show up?

I think so.

What? Why does this guy look so happy talking about Oshino?

You're right...

That's the best smile we've seen from him till now.

Here's Oshino!

Clap, clap, clap...

So cool.

He is cool, isn't he?

That slightly-evil aura is so powerful.

Although I have a feeling it's not "slightly."

How old is Oshino again?

I think Araragi just mentioned that he's 30-something.

He doesn't look it, does he?

Nope, he sure doesn't.

Doesn't he have something in his right hand?

Oh, that? It's an unlit cigarette.

Oh, that's right. For some reason, Oshino never lights his cigarettes.

See, it's a cigarette.

No, in this video it kind of looks like a piece of chalk.

Why would he be holding a piece of chalk in this scene?

Maybe he's going to teach something using that blackboard?

Well, not that a slightly-evil person like him would have anything to teach.

Poking eyes... Stop doing that to him, Senjyogahara-sama (Mistress Senjyogahara).

Cut Araragi some slack, all right?

Hey, that's Full Metal Alchemist material!

Yes, it's Full Metal Alchemist material.

Do you like it?

I love Master Greed.

I'm not surprised.

What about you, Ms. Hanekawa? Who do you like?

Mr. Kimblee.

I'm not surprised.

Yes. This is exactly what you need to be discussing first.

Check out what I'm pointing at.

In my mind, I was being led toward a scene in which a young blond girl was being held captive.

Still, all this time Araragi hasn't gotten anyone to nod at what he's saying.

He keeps getting interrupted by both Oshino and me.

He's being disrespected.

Yes, disrespected.

Here's a close-up of Shinobu.

So what's this helmet for, anyway?

I know what it's for, but I'm not supposed to say it here.

Araragi's being consistent in the way he's not motivated to explain.

But long story short, this child is the vampire who showed up in the opening, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

Now this girl right here is consistently cool-headed.

Yes, you are.

Normally you'd report this to the police.

By the way, that desk Oshino's sitting on?

He uses it as his bed.

He does?

Well, a desk like that... wouldn't it be the same as sleeping on the floor?

You say those words as if they were nothing. But if that's the case, Ms. Senjyogahara,

doesn't that mean you've been through a terrible ordeal?

Mmm, well, I suppose you could say that.

And there's his pet phrase.

I don't know how many times he said it to me.

I can see that you're wary here...

Or actually, Oshino tends to reject being trusted.

Oh, that does make sense.

Or should I say he induces wariness?

Araragi just got interrupted again.

Looks like he's going to cave in without a fight.

It's not like I did it deliberately.

Did you know about this, Ms. Hanekawa?

Know about what?

The monster called the Weight Crab.

Oh, that. Yes, I knew.

You know everything, don't you?

Oh, I just happened to know about that one.

What's this?

What?

"I don't know everything. I only know what I know."

Aren't you going to say that?

Basically, I only say that to Araragi.

Oh, I see.

Because that's what he seeks.

Uh-oh. That Shinobu is too darned cute.

She's on her side right now, though.

I wonder if she's sleeping? No, she wouldn't be asleep at this hour.

Hmm? Doesn't Araragi look taller than me in this scene?

It's a matter of perspective.

Araragi's a step or two in front of you now.

To utilize perspective to look taller than he is - what a petty man.

I really don't think he's doing it on purpose.

And another thing - you can see that he's trying to reassure you

by standing between you and Oshino, can't you?

So that's what he was doing.

Araragi's actions are filled with nonchalant kindness.

Which no one but you would ever notice, Ms. Hanekawa.

The real issue is that he himself, more than anyone else, doesn't notice it.

Really, this old man is so shady.

I can't deny that one.

But I wonder what kind of cram school this was.

Never mind the trees - the way this place is built just doesn't seem conducive to studying.

And there's a window in the ceiling. You can even see the moon.

Shinobu is too cute.

We've got to get the moonlight and a pin shot on her.

The moon and a spotlight. Either way, there's a strong link between vampires and the moon.

Then you could say it's recharging now, is it?

The thing is, we've been gushing about how adorable she is,

but she herself... not that she's really a person... but in her own mind,

Shinobu herself is not exactly feeling tranquil.

Really?

Most likely, she's seething with fury towards Araragi.

Oh?

To be honest, your life is in danger right now, Ms. Senjyogahara.

Oh. Araragi moved back a step without our noticing.

Is this nonchalant kindness, too?

The discussion got intense, so he probably thought he shouldn't get in the way.

If you look from the side, you can clearly see the difference in height.

I told you, you need to check the hip height.

Why you're so obsessed with my hips, Ms. Hanekawa, is truly a mystery to me.

What? Really?

Whenever I talk to Araragi, the subject of your hips always comes up, and we always have a blast.

That's too much distasteful information for me.

Oh. While we were talking about your hips, the episode has almost ended.

Guess we "broke the hip" of the conversation!

Good one... NOT!

I just thought I'd say it.

It's the ending theme.

Another good song is playing now.

But Episode 1 just ended with me being brought to the abandoned building.

I guess so. Or else it will end with a stapler being shoved into Araragi's mouth.

How original!

Yes, it's original.

As far as the story goes, nothing has happened yet.

Actually, at this stage of the story, the incident itself is as good as over.

But this is something that only hits you when you watch the staff credit roll

- it took a huge amount of people to make this.

It really did. So thankful!

The thing is, the fact that there are only six of us in the cast

means we're really the "select few," doesn't it?

If you count just the characters who appear in the feature,

that only makes four.

Not only that, but I don't even show up in Episode 2...

What kind of a Friendless Group is this?

Oh, but it's not because we don't have any friends that there are so few of us in the cast.

No? What other reason could there be, then?

Well, there are tons of reasons!

All right, let's have our viewers watch Episode 2 now.

Let's have our viewers watch Episode 2...?

Are you sure it's okay to have them watch?

And have that vulgar view of you exposed to the masses?

That's enough, Ms. Hanekawa.

If you fan the flames of anticipation too much, it might not live up to the hype,

and everyone will be disappointed.

I'm sure that's not going to happen, but...

Anyway, I'd like to see it for myself.

See what kind of video footage was broadcast nationwide, and look at it objectively.

Well, I think there are some things you're better off not knowing...

Now then, please watch Episode 2.

Oh, that's right, there was a preview.

Right. It's a dialogue between Karen and Tsukihi.

Isn't it the opposite?

What?

It's just that I thought I heard that it's 20% of the worker ants that are lazy.

Oh. Well, both answers are right.

Huh?

Let's see...

The preview isn't enough time for me to explain, so is it all right if we take it up again in Episode 2?

Sure, that's fine.

But you know what, these sisters aren't previewing anything at all.

No, they aren't.

I didn't know that about the ampersand.