All language subtitles for The.Grand.Tour.S03E04.720p.WEB.H264-METCON[ettv]_Eng

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 03 Episode 04
Episode Title: "What The Truck?"

(CHEERING)

Thank you.

Hello, everybody!

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you. Welcome.

Now, coming up
in today's show...

James wears glasses...

I pretend to be a dog...

and a terrorist eats
a savoury snack.

- Got everything there.
- (CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH)

Thank you. Now...

throughout
the developing world,

people have, for many years,

used Japanese-made
pick-up trucks.

Yes, but now
European car makers

have decided they want
a piece of the action.

So they've come up with
pick-up trucks of their own.

Yes, they have, and to
find out if they're any good,

this week we take
The Grand Tour

on a journey
through history.

Mm, we begin
in the Middle Ages,

which meant going to
Richard Hammond's garden.

(LAUGHTER)

(VIDEOTAPE CRACKLES)

(NOSTALGIC CLASSICAL STRINGS)

(COUGHING NEARBY)

(BABY CRYING)

JEREMY: In parts of the globe where
there's no mains water or electricity,

a pick-up truck has to be
more than

just transport for
plague victims and livestock.

(WHIRRING)

That's why James has turned
his Mercedes X-Class

into a power station
using its rear axle

to make electricity
for the village.

Richard, meanwhile, was using
his Ford Ranger as a tractor,

pulling a plough.

Yep, I'm actually ploughing
with my pick-up.

I don't think I could be
any happier.

JEREMY: And I was using
this Volkswagen Amarok

as an irrigation system.

I'm using it to drive a pump,

which will deliver
nourishment from the well

to the community allotment.

In fact... Yep, I can hear
the water coming now,

above the smooth turbocharged
throb of my V6 diesel.

Ah! Ooh!

JAMES: Sort it out!

Get it!

- Hammond!
- What?

We've gotta get...
How do you get that back?

I don't know.
You set it free.

- Whoa!
- Watch out!

You've made it angry!
Run away!

Ow!

(BANGING)

(CRACKLING AND FIZZING)

JAMES: Oh! You... Aargh!

Clarkson!

Turn the car off!

JAMES: What was that?
- I cut my...

- Oh, dear.
- And there.

And there.
And I've done my neck in.

This is supposed to be
a demonstration

of the utility
of pick-up trucks.

We've done it. We've proved
all three of them...

Yeah, no, I have. I've sawn
three pieces of wood for a fence.

Hammond's ploughed four
furrows for growing things in.

You have only subtracted
from this community.

You've taken away
the vegetables.

You've taken away
the electricity.

You've taken away
the lighting.

You've taken away the ability
to make the new fence posts.

- I have proved...
- And you've taken away the food.

But my engine is very powerful.
More powerful than in your two.

Yeah,
but what's the use of that?

- Speed and power.
- It's not speed and power.

Yeah, well it is, look.
Look what it did!

Look what it did.

Yours couldn't have delivered
that much water that quickly.

Yeah, thankfully, because it
wouldn't have done that.

- I think you've slightly missed the point.
- Why...

Why do you always
have to overdo everything?

JEREMY: You can shut up.
- Why?

Because it's supposed to be a
test of European pick-up trucks.

It's European.

Well, yes,
apart from the fact

that it was designed in Australia
and it's built in South Africa.

What about the engine?

- That's made in Turkey.
- That's European.

Well, a bit of it is.

Let's not get bogged down
with where Turkey is.

What we've done is proved
that all three of them

work well when there is peace

in the village
in the developing world.

What we must do now is
find out how well they work

when the peace comes to an
end and there's a revolution.

(THUDDING)

(CHEERING)

JAMES: When the revolution
is over,

it's important that all traces of the
vile, hated dictator are eradicated.

And that's why I'm
attaching my Mercedes

to this giant statue
of Kim Jong Clarkson,

to see if I can pull it over.

(DRAMATIC SINGING IN LATIN)

Right, here are the rules.

I have to do this using
the lowest revs possible.

So what I'm gonna do is put it
in four-wheel drive low range -

something Jeremy Clarkson
can't do -

first gear manual and turn
the traction control off.

You know that isn't really
a Mercedes, don't you?

It's just a Nissan with
"Mercedes" written on it.

JEREMY: It's got a Nissan engine.
Yeah.

And that's his problem. Cos it's
only a 2.3, four-cylinder diesel.

Right. Taking up the slack.

When you have to use power
and torque to do a job...

James is the first man
you go for.

Here we go.

Traction control,
diff lock, down you come.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(RATTLING)

Oh, ooh! Oh, hello.

- (THUD)
- Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(THUD)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) He's gone!

That was just...
Oh, right on your... Dunk!

What a feeling.

Oh, bet that... Did that...
That was just...

- That is in the face.
- Yes.

By the whole Earth.
Boof, in the face.

Did you see
what happened to your nose?

- Look at it.
- Yes.

And now, it's your turn.
Because... (CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, May Tse-tung.

Right, it's time for your
reign of terror to end.

He may be the most stubborn
man in the world,

but he's no match for the
engine in this Ford Ranger.

I have, of course, more power
in this than in his Nissan -

197 brake to his 188 -
and more torque.

This engine is strong. Strong
enough to pull a train, literally.

Because they are
actually using

the five-cylinder diesel
out of this

in the new Vivarail 230
commuter class train.

You know he's got
one more cylinder than you?

Yeah, that's cos that engine
came from a Turkish bazaar.

"Just for you, my friend,
special price.

One extra cylinder,
today only."

Minimal revs,

one and half thousand,
maybe, upping it a bit.

JEREMY: Ooh, hang on.

Come on, May.

He's failing.
He's failing to topple me.

Come on, you can pull
an old spaniel off a pillar.

JAMES: Oh, no.
- (THUD)

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

JAMES: All right.

He's dragging you.
He's taking you for a scrape.

(SCRAPING)

- (JEREMY CHUCKLES)
- That's not on, really.

JEREMY: Nice one, Hammond!

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

JEREMY: The scores so far,
then, looked like this.

James had used 2,100 rpm
to topple me...

(SMASHING)

whereas Hammond -
despite his bigger engine -

had had to use 3,600 rpm
to bring down May.

(CLATTERING)

Now it's time for me to win
as I get rid

of the last of the country's
hated dictators... Dick Pot.

(DRAMATIC SINGING IN LATIN)

And there we are.

RICHARD: Oh, now, come on!

JAMES: Well, you shouldn't
have built a life-size one.

- You are a man of modest statue.
- Yeah, fine.

It reflects my ego
compared to yours.

Well, it's, you know, proportional
to the size of the tyranny.

I don't think I'm gonna need
low range.

- You haven't got it.
- Well, I know, exactly, I don't need it.

JEREMY: Lock the rear diff.
There you go.

JAMES: You'll need that.
- Right, here we go. Ready?

- Mm-hm.
- Yes.

Taking up the slack.

JAMES: There might be a really
bad jolt, so be careful.

(SOFT CLATTERING)

JEREMY:
I've won another test!

I've won both of them.

- How have you worked that out?
- Well, 600 rpm, OK?

And I did the best
in the village.

You destroyed the village!

Listen, let's not get
bogged down with that.

We must now move on
to what typically happens

in a country
after the dictator is gone.

(SINGING AND SCREAMING)

(RAPID GUNFIRE)

JEREMY: With the government
in disarray,

we had to load
all our worldly goods

into our pick-up trucks and
prepare to run for our lives.

It's no time to be alphabet-i-sising
your record collection.

I'm not, I'm just making sure that The Yes
Album, my most prized possession, is...

- Yeah, well, get on with it.
- We're fleeing!

- OK, flee.
JAMES: I'd leave those.

What?

Everybody else in the world
has an iPod.

Look, I don't think
you've got...

What have you got
a gramophone for?

It was my grandmother's. We're
fleeing from rebel forces.

Don't stand here doing a commentary.
Get in your truck.

- I'm ready to flee.
- Right.

Perfectly straightforward.

Whichever one is the fastest
from here to the flags there,

yes, best at fleeing.

Is there c...
Yes, yes, exactly right.

- So it's a drag race.
- It's a flee race.

- It's a fleeing race.
- Let's flee, then.

JAMES: Come on, let's go!

If you need to flee
from government forces,

you need an Amarok.
0 to 60, eight seconds.

That's hot hatchback
territory.

It's the fastest of the trio,

the most powerful
of the trio,

and the lightest of the trio.

Probably not now, but it was.

I have the biggest engine -
3.2 litres, five cylinders,

and not only is it strong
enough to pull a train,

literally, it's also the engine
they use in the Transit van.

And those, as anyone who's
ever been on a motorway knows,

have a top speed
of more than what you're in.

Now we're alone, viewers,
I will admit

I'm not feeling entirely
confident about this.

The 2.3 litre engine in
my Mercedes is very robust.

It will last for
a thousand years.

But it's not
what you'd call powerful.

I think there might be a few
aerodynamic issues as well.

But, anyway,
I'm gonna go in D

on the basis that Mercedes
knows better than me.

(TWO BEEPS)

Here we go. Here we go.

(ENGINES REVVING)

(TWO BEEPS)

Bit of a slow start
for fleeing.

(TWO BEEPS)

(CLATTERING)

Whoa, I may have lost
a couple of things.

RICHARD:
Oh, I've lost my bike!

I was so hoping to have my
bike available once I'd fled.

Bit of buffeting
and I'm losing.

RICHARD: Oh,
and Jeremy's getting away!

Storming ahead.
I mean, storming.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

- Ooh, a lot of glass!
- There's glass everywhere.

That is not a lot
of braking area.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(CROCKERY SHATTERING)

(CLATTERING)

My Lego!

Bicycle.

- This is our new life, chaps.
- This is...

Lego, cream,
and a shit record.

- Well, you can say that...
- I'm gonna start again.

- Oh, no, we've got a chair.
- You say that...

- We're gonna be all right.
- I literally think we're OK.

- Yes.
- So, let's just get this crystal clear.

OK, we haven't
escaped with much,

but the Volkswagen
has now won all three tests.

- Who decided that?
- Me.

Yeah, but this isn't
a dictatorship any more.

- We toppled the dictator.
- Yeah. It's a democracy.

It was the fastest by a mile.

Yeah, it is the fastest.

It was easily the best
at pulling over statues

and the best
at water irrigation.

No. And... you may
have got there first,

guaranteeing your survival,
but you have no life.

You have half a table and a mattress
and the worst album in history.

You really have nothing left!

I have got the contents
of a home.

You call this
the worst album...

JEREMY: The merits of
The Yes Album aside,

the fact remained that with
the country now in chaos,

help is urgently needed.

So, how would our
commandeered trucks

cope with their requirements?

(MUFFLED MUSIC BLARING)

(MUSIC BLARING)

Quite well, actually.

(APPLAUSE)

I think we got away
with that.

- No one from Oxfam here.
- No.

OK, um...
we'll pick that up later on.

Yes, but first it is time
to brim the tank of chat

from the petrol station
of debate,

on the corner of
Conversation Street.

(JAZZ PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Now...

There's been a lot of talk
recently about electric cars,

obviously, so we thought we ought to
have some conversation about that.

- Yeah.
- And we're gonna kick it off, if I may,

with the new Audi e-tron.
Got a picture of it here.

Sure, it's very nice.

The only problem is e-tron is
the French word... for turd.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Is it?

Mmm, yes.

They're not gonna sell many of
those in France, I'm guessing.

No, they probably won't.
In the same way that Hyundai

has just introduced
a new car called the Kona.

They're not gonna be selling
too many of those in Portugal.

Why? Is "Kona"
Portuguese for "turd"?

- No.
- What, then?

It's the one word
we can't say.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Mourinho.

Yes.
That's exactly what it is.

- Moving on.
- Yes.

Have you seen
those stories around

about Jaguar possibly going over
to making only electric cars?

- I have read that, yeah.
- All Jaguars would be electric, which is a worry.

Because, potentially, it'll
make it a lot more difficult

to hear your
Jaguar-driving guest

leave your house
early in the morning

- with all of your silverware in the boot.
- Good point.

- Very good point.
- That's a risk.

"Oh, no,
I've just taken all..."

Or they'll be
turning up all hours

of the day and night
just standing there.

"I'm sorry, could I charge
my car up at your house?

Spot of bother with the
electricity company over at mine."

- "Just pop that in the wall."
- "Yes, if you don't mind."

Yeah, no, but if we may
be serious for a moment,

the biggest problem is

the electrical charging
infrastructure in this country

simply isn't
good enough to...

sustain a great deal
of demand. It just isn't.

Yeah, but it'll get better and
the vast majority of people

simply recharge at night.

- That's what I do, with mine.
- Yes, I know.

But if you go on a long journey,
you can't take your house.

You've gotta charge up
somewhere else.

Yes, but electric
charging points

are springing up everywhere
at the moment

- at quite a rate.
- I agree.

- They are.
- They are. They are.

But look at it this way. OK, the
second most boring thing a man can do

is filling up with petrol -
second most after...

ALL: Trying on trousers.

- We all agree that's the worst.
- It's just a fact.

The second most boring thing
you can do

is fill up with petrol, which
takes what, three minutes?

- Yes.
- Charging a car up

is like 40 minutes, and I
haven't got time for that.

No, but it's, it's...
40 minutes is getting...

You can do it
in less than that now

and it's getting shorter
and shorter all the time.

Charging times are
plummeting. They're dropping.

But you've gotta go into a service
station, surrounded by people

with smelly bottoms, all
playing on those slot machines.

And 40 minutes,
you just think,

"I've got so much more I'd
rather be doing than this."

I only have, if I'm lucky,

175,000 hours
before I do dying.

And I'm not gonna waste any of
them charging an electric car up.

- I'm just not.
- (LAUGHTER)

Sticking with electric cars, the iconic
London black taxi has gone electric.

We've got a picture
of it here. There it is.

I've ridden it. I've driven it as
well, actually, and it's excellent.

Very, very smooth,
very comfortable,

and obviously
it's very quiet.

Which means you can hear
the driver's views

on immigration more clearly.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Everybody always says...

I like black cabs.
I use them all the time.

Yeah, you really are
a dinosaur.

- No, I just hate Uber.
- You don't hate Uber.

- I do hate Uber.
- They just work.

Have you seen how they drive?

They're appalling! Dithering
about in the middle of junctions

and they don't know
where they're going.

And it's always a Prius.
And I hate those commercials

where they say, "Not all of
our drivers are rapists."

(LAUGHTER) - That's not
really a slogan, is it?

I'm sorry, I just...
I will not get in with...

And, listen, I've only got
175,000 hours left...

If you...
If you don't stop saying

how many hours you've got
left, I shall make it less.

- Look, I...
- A lot less.

Yeah, I'm with him.
And I like Uber.

I like the fact
that you get the alert

that tells you
who's coming to pick you up

and what sort of car
he's driving.

- Yeah, that's...
- What's the point?

It's a Prius.
It's always a Prius.

No, it isn't always a Prius.

I've got a friend
and she had one come -

this was just before
Christmas, as it happened.

The driver was
from South America.

And she got an alert
and it said,

"Jesus is arriving soon
in a Honda Accord."

(LAUGHTER) - Which is not what
it says in the New Testament.

- No, it doesn't.
- It's not, is it? Who knew?

Anyway, there is a new
version of the Bugatti Chiron.

We've got a picture of it here.
It's called the Chiron Sport.

But that does make me wonder, what bit
of the regular Chiron wasn't sporty?

No, it was
a sporty car, anyway.

It was quite sporty, I noticed that.
Is that more powerful?

No, but it is
18 kilograms lighter

because it has carbon fibre
windscreen wipers.

- What? That's all?
- What were the old ones made of?

- Cast iron.
- (LAUGHTER)

- So it's 18 kilograms lighter?
- Mm-hm.

- And how much is it?
- Uh... it's £2.3 million.

- (AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES)
- That's a lot, isn't it?

Well, hold on. The standard one's,
what, two million quid, isn't it?

- I've just had a thought.
- What?

If you're prone to
going through life

with quite a heavy
briefcase...

- Yes?
- If you bought the ordinary Chiron,

left your briefcase at home,

you've automatically created
the Sport, haven't you?

- Yeah.
- And saved yourself £300,000.

- (LAUGHTER)
- That... That is good advice.

Yeah. A lot of people here will be
taking that away with them and using it.

- That's consumer advice.
- Exactly. I like to do that.

All part of the service.
We're here for you.

Can I move it on? I have some
interesting conversation.

- Oh, good.
- There is a man in Canada

who has successfully lowered
his car insurance premium

by declaring himself
to be a woman.

Now, he hasn't had
the operation,

he hasn't swapped his beef
torpedo for the silken purse.

- (LAUGHTER)
- He has merely...

- Thank you, Doctor.
- (LAUGHTER)

He has merely
taken advantage...

He just said "beef torpedo",
didn't he?

Of a loophole in the law that
allows you to change your gender.

Torpedo? You actually claim
you've got a torpedo?

- (LAUGHTER)
- Everybody calls it that.

A Spearfish he rides into...

Listen, listen.
There's a lot of this about.

There was a chap the other day sentenced
to some considerable jail time,

and as he was sentenced, he went, "Oh,
I've just remembered, I'm a woman."

Can I go to a lady prison? Preferably one
of those like you see on the internet."

Yeah, and it worked.
It worked.

They sent him
to a lady prison.

Where, sure enough, he's
been quite badly behaved.

Yeah, chaps, I wouldn't advise trying
it down your local swimming baths,

swaggering into
the changing rooms.

(DEEP VOICE)
"Morning. Morning, ladies."

I'm a lady as well,
just like you and you.

I'll just hang up my suit
and my tie there

and take a shower
with the rest...

"Oh, my Lord, my vagina's
gone all stiff. Look at that."

- (LAUGHTER)
- "I do apologise."

It's a tricky
and obviously sensitive area,

but my advice is if you want to
lower your car insurance premium,

don't walk into this
minefield of whether or not

you can declare yourself
to be a woman.

Simply declare yourself
to be a vicar.

That's a good idea, because they do
have cheap insurance, don't they?

They do have
very cheap car insurance.

And if you're a vicar...
you can still wear a dress.

- There you go.
- Yeah, so everybody wins.

- Everybody wins.
- More consumer advice.

Ooh, now, you know Morgan?

- I do.
- OK, they've got a serious problem.

Because they make the frames
of their cars out of ash.

Now, all the ash trees in Britain
have either died or are dying.

So Morgan is going to have
to import its ash from...

- abroad.
- What?

- Foreign wood.
- Foreign wood in a Morgan?

I know! Can you imagine?
And it may be German.

Oh, good God!
German wood in a Morgan!

- No, that's not possible!
- Imagine having German wood.

Can't be done.

That's probably why, because
of this immense problem,

they've decided
to branch out.

What are they doing?

Well, they're gonna
start making bicycles.

Are they made of wood?

Well, yes, we've got a picture.
They are, actually.

The mud guard and the chain
guard are both made of wood.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, they're really roaring
into the future, Morgan.

What are they doing next?
Is it a dugout canoe?

Well, it's interesting you should say that.
It's not a dugout canoe.

It is - and this is
a big surprise for Morgan -

they're making
hair care products.

- What?
- What?

They absolutely are making
hair care products.

Um... I've actually got
the blurb about it.

Here, this is actually from
Morgan's website, yeah?

- Well, as they call it.
- They have...

They call it
the electric computer.

I was gonna say.
They have a website?

OK, this is describing
their new hair products,

- quintessentially British.
- (JAMES SCOFFS)

"The lotion was originally
created to enable a gentleman"

to hold not only
the racing line,

- "but also his hair style."
- Lovely.

(LAUGHTER)

"So Morgan's
most stylish owners..."

There's no such thing
as a stylish Morgan owner.

"Can once again take to
the roads with confidence

that their dapper coiffeur will
hold throughout the journey."

(LAUGHTER)

Can I ask something,
while we're on the subject?

Why is it that everything
in the world has a name?

Like cups, spectacles,
Jeremy Clarkson's cardigan.

But anything you put in your
hair is just called product?

I don't get that. The barber
says, "Would you like product?"

You think, "No,
cos it might be HP Sauce."

- That's a product.
- It's a bit vague.

They could Tarmac your hair.
"It's product."

- Exactly.
- Molten aluminium is a product.

- It is.
- Swarfega is a product.

I'm not sure that Morgan
actually understands

its customers very well,
with this plan.

What, you're saying that
the typical Morgan customer

- wouldn't traditionally...
- Yeah, look at th...

They're not hair care
product kind of people.

Let's just work this out.
Hammond, you have a Morgan.

And...

- Um...
- Actually...

- I'm... I'm...
- Actually, on the subject of that...

Just talk amongst yourselves.
No, seriously, James May,

I want to check
something out with you.

If I may.
Just hang on a minute.

What are you doing?

Well, thing is, OK, you say...
you say that you don't wear...

Oh, I'm uncomfortable with
whatever's happening now.

You will be.

I took this photograph
just last week.

I put an arrow on it
to show what I'm on about.

That's Richard Hammond
sporting... I'll zoom in.

- Some grey hairs there, yeah.
- A couple of grey hairs.

JAMES: Ohh.
- Can you see those? Yes?

Now, when I came to work
this morning...

They're still there.

My wife has cut my hair.
They are still there.

They're not. James May?
They're not there.

- I don't dye my hair!
- They're not there.

Come in really close.
They're still there.

JAMES: Let me arbitrate
independently.

- They're not there!
- They're not there!

- They are! I never...
- You've been using Morgan product.

I've never dyed my ha...
Oh, God!

Would you like to stop doing
Conversation Street now?

I'd so like to do a...

If you want to feed me into a
giant blender, I'd prefer that.

Right, that is the end
of Conversation Street.

And now, if I may, I'd like
to talk about the Jaguar XE.

Not your hair.

Um... it is a really very nice
little car, if I'm honest.

It's very good looking. It's
not particularly expensive.

Uh... it rides beautifully -
very beautifully, in fact.

And, as a result of all that,

people ignore it
and buy a BMW instead.

So Jaguar went
to its skunkworks,

which is based in a shed,

and they said, "Could
you make a fast version?"

One that will get
everybody talking."

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

JEREMY: The standard
low cost procedure

for turning a normal saloon
into a sports saloon

is to give it some fat tyres,
a nice V6 engine...

(ENGINE ROARING)

and maybe
some bucket seats.

But the boffins at Jag
decided to go...

a bit further than that.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Welcome, everyone,
to what's called...

the Project 8.

The first thing
you need to know

is that the only bits that
these two cars have in common

are the roof
and the front doors.

Everything else is changed.

For some very good reasons.

First of all, they decided they
needed carbon ceramic brakes

that were much bigger than the
brakes on the standard car.

Now, that meant they needed

bigger wheels
to go round the brakes.

And bigger wheels
wouldn't fit in these arches.

So they had to redesign
the whole front of the car.

The headlamps, everything.

Then there was the track -

the gap between the wheels,
front and back.

They decided
they'd like that to be wider.

That meant
fitting flared wheel arches.

So that meant a new panel
here... and here,

and a new back door,

and a new panel
here and here.

Then came the engine.

They decided they didn't
want to mess about

and that they'd use
a five-litre supercharged V8.

But that wouldn't fit.

So, to get it in, they had to
cut away at the bulkhead.

And when it was in place,
they thought,

"Wait a minute.
That's all a bit heavy.

We need to save some weight
at the front of the car."

So, the bonnet, as you can
see here, is carbon fibre.

And so are the front wings.

And so is all this.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Suspension? Oh, yes,
that was changed as well.

It now has Bilstein dampers
that cost £1,000 each.

And rose joints.
And ceramic wheel bearings.

- Like you get on a race car.
- (ENGINE GROWLS)

On top of all that, the eight-speed
gearbox also needed beefing up.

And so did
the four-wheel drive system.

And then they had to
get rid of the spare wheel

and the well in which it sits

to fit some under-floor
aerodynamics.

And when they added up the cost of all
the work they'd done, there was a problem.

In order to make
any money at all,

the Project 8
would have to cost £150,000.

That's four times more
than the standard car.

Four!

So, here's the question.

How mad would you have to be
to spend £150,000...

on a car that was designed
and built in a glorified shed

in the Midlands...
in about 18 months?

And the simple answer is...

not mad at all,
because this car...

is fan-bleeding-tastic!

The engine may be
ten years old,

but it has
a huge amount of character.

And nigh on 600 horsepower!

(ENGINE ROARING)

That means 0 to 60
in 3.3 seconds...

and a top speed of 200.

Even more impressive,

ten minutes before the Nurburgring
shut its doors for the winter...

Jag's Project 8 engineers

asked if they could have
one last go round it...

and they shattered the record
for four-door saloons

with a time of seven minutes,
21 seconds.

That's blisteringly quick.

I will say that if you've
got the car manually

hunkered down and
it's in track mode,

and the traction control
is turned off,

things can go a bit violent
and bitey...

if you go
beyond the limit.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Ugh.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

The answer is
to stay within the limits

and in this car...
that's no hardship.

The grip from
the four-wheel drive system

and the wider track
and the Michelin Cup tyres

absolutely wobbles your eyes.

It's phenomenal.

You can corner at speeds

that you simply
can't quite believe.

I mean, that is...

That was 140 kilometres
through there.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Look at that!
That's just sheer grip.

Actually peeled my skin,
that did!

- Oh.
- (TYRES SCREECHING)

I am a sucker for small,
front-engined sports saloons.

I had a Mercedes CLK Black.

And this is better than that.

This is better than
even the hottest BMW M3.

You can whisper this,
but I reckon it's even better

than Alfa's Quadrifoglio.

This is very good.

Really, really good.

But... is it a Jag?

Well, you can have it
with scaffolding in the back,

but this one has
two proper seats.

And in here,
it has enough space

for a "borrowed" oil painting

and all the kit that you need
to go out at night...

and "borrow" another one.

So, yes, it is a Jag.

It even says
"prototype vehicle" on it,

which means you don't
have to pay any tax.

Like my prototype watch
and trousers.

And this prototype camera
we're using today.

And there's more.

At normal road speeds with the car
in Comfort or even Dynamic mode,

it's as quiet and as
civilised as a Jag should be.

It even has little springs sitting
on top of the bigger springs

to give you
a more comfortable ride.

But everything's relative,
really.

I mean,
it's not as comfortable, say,

as lying in a hammock on a summer's
day, listening to wood pigeons.

But it does have
air conditioning

and a head-up display
and electric seats,

so it is more comfortable
than you'd expect.

In fact, it's better than
you'd expect in every way.

And maybe we shouldn't be
surprised by that,

because the last time something
was designed and built quickly,

in a glorified shed,
in the Midlands,

it was called the Spitfire.

And it won
the Battle of Britain.

(ENGINE ROARING)

- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
- The Battle of Britain...

And three, two, one,
cue James May.

Ready?

Hang on. Hang on, hang
on, hang on, hang on.

- Hang on. The Spitfire?
- Yes.

It was the Hurricane that
won the Battle of Britain.

- Well, it just wasn't.
- No, it just was.

There were far more of them,
it was easier to build,

it was easier to repair,
it was easier to fly.

- It was.
- But that's like saying that a Nissan Juke

is better than
a Lamborghini Aventador

because it's easier to build
and there are more of them.

- No, it's not like that.
- It is.

The Hurricane was
a much more stable

gun platform
in the hands of a novice.

The Hurricane accounted
for more enemy aircraft

than all of our other
air defences combined.

It won.

Yes, but the Spitfire, OK,

the Spitfire
looked glamorous.

So you'd look up in the sky and then
that improved morale on the ground,

cos people were going, "Wow, look at that!
We can't possibly lose this."

Yes, but morale didn't
shoot down enemy aircraft.

Hurricanes did.
That's simply a fact.

But if a small boy's
looking out the window,

"Wow! Look,
there's a Spitfire up there

and I'm gonna join the RAF!"
And that's what we needed.

He didn't wanna fly a Hurricane cos
it looked like a sad Basset Hound.

No, it didn't.
And anyway, the best...

The best fighter aircraft
of World War II

was the Messerschmitt 109.
Everybody knows that.

- That didn't win the Battle of Britain!
- Well, it...

To be honest, nobody won the
Battle of Britain. It was a draw.

What? Where have you
got that from?

- It was a draw.
- Chaps! Chaps! Chaps!

Hate to make this whole thing
sound like, I don't know...

a car show, but can we get it
back to the Jag a bit, please?

Yes. I don't want to talk
to him about aeroplanes.

- Cos he's wrong.
- OK, OK. Remember the Jag.

- Yes.
- Is it a mainstream car?

No. No, if I'm honest,
it isn't.

They've only made 300 of them

and they're all
left-hand drive.

So they went to all that time
and trouble to develop it...

And expense. -...and now
they're only building a handful

and they've put the steering
wheel on the wrong side?

No, it is... it is very odd, but
since I don't want to listen to him

talking about Hurricanes
any more, I do think

we should find out how fast
it goes round the Eboladrome.

- (ENGINE ROARS)
JEREMY: And she's off,

in a cloud of
V8 crackle and fury,

and immediately
onto the Isn't Straight.

Twitchy with
a change of line,

but she's got it
under control

using every one of
the 592 horsepowers.

- (TYRES SQUEALING)
- Bit of tyre squeal

as she swings down
into Your Name Here.

Right, hard on the brakes
down the eight-speed box.

More tyre squeal from
those super-sticky Michelins.

And clearly they are
working well.

Right, back on the power now
for the full-chat sprint.

Down the Isn't.

OK, more hard braking soon...

for the flick into the tricky
complex at Old Lady's House.

Four-wheel drive
keeping it clinging on.

Now, spearing down the bumpy
bit towards Substation.

(ENGINE GROWLING)

- Good noise, that.
- (TYRES SQUEALING)

Oh, a lot of tyre squeal
through there,

but just Field Of Sheep
to go.

Pitches it into a drift.

Nicely done.
And across the line.

(APPLAUSE) - It looks good, that.
It's got that dartyness.

Looks like a race car. It rides like one.
You can see it.

It's extraordinary how well
it drives on the road.

Cos it's all a... Anyway...

Uh... that's the top ten
of our leader board.

And there's the Jag

waiting to see
where it goes.

Or does it indeed get
onto that list at all?

Let's find out.
Let's move it up.

Does it?

- Oh.
RICHARD: Bloody hell.

Hang on a minute.
It's faster than a GT3 RS?

Good God!

That is a really
properly good car, that.

- Mm.
- It is the Spitfire of cars.

- Hurricane.
- Don't... Leave it.

Hold, hold. Leave it.
Hold. Hold.

Hold steady.

And relax.

And carry on.

Tonight, we are
finding out... Is this right?

Tonight... we are finding out

how the new breed
of European pick-up trucks

would fare
in the developing world.

And we've learned that the
Volkswagen is the best of the lot.

- No, we didn't learn that.
- Well, we did.

It was the fastest
and it was the most powerful.

Yeah, but that's not actually
terribly relevant

if you're in a country where there are
more AK-47s than ambulances, is it?

Yes, but whatever. OK?
Whatever.

So far, we've seen what
happens when the peace ends

and the dictator is toppled
and chaos ensues.

And now we pick up the story

with what typically happens
after that.

(EXPLOSIVE BOOM)

OK, here's the situation.

There's a power vacuum now,

foreign armies are pouring in
and it's our job

to get this fuel...
to the nation's helicopter.

And then the villagers
can be strafed.

- Really?
- That's what happens.

To that end,
we have got to go from here

to this forward
operating base.

And the first one there
is the winner.

That'll be me, then.

JEREMY: Having saddled up,

we waited
for the sound to charge...

(BLAST OF AIR HORN)

and then, naturally,

all set off
in different directions.

(REVVING)

Yeah. Yeah.

If I go through here...

Oh, yeah!

I am racing a pick-up truck
off-road in Wales

to refuel a helicopter.

Oh, I am erect!

Turn in and right.

This test,
if you think about it,

it is rather pertinent that
we are filming this in the UK,

because in a couple of years

when Brexit has really
caught up with us,

there will be a civil war

and you will need
pick-up trucks to survive.

I think, if I can get through
this gap in the wall,

I save having to drive all
the way round the end of it.

- Here I come.
- (STONES CLATTERING)

(THUDDING AND CLATTERING)

Oh-hoo! I have a compass.

This is a piece of cake.

Agh! Ohh!

It can take some punishment,
this thing.

That's what you want.
Utility.

It's like
Jack Reacher's trousers.

They're just some trousers.
This is just some pick-up.

JEREMY: Sadly for me, the Amarok
wasn't wearing Jack Reacher's trousers.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Come on! Climb!

Climb, you stupid car!

Right, I reckon, past here...

- Ooh, hello!
- Ah, Mr Hammond!

Oh, we've ended up
in the same place!

Right, let's see
what you got. Uphill.

RICHARD: Come on.
JEREMY: No!

Why is his car doing this
and I'm not?

- Why is that possible?
- (RICHARD LAUGHS)

(ENGINE ROARING)

Come on!

It's not getting up that
hill! Not in a million years!

He's got better tyres.

That's what that
is all about.

Whatever the issue, I had
to find a flatter route.

Come on, come on.

I must win this. Must win.

I don't think
that this Amarok

is really designed
for freedom fighters

in Africa
and the Middle East.

I think it's aimed more
at surveyors in England.

I mean, it's got a laptop
charging point here

and a leather steering wheel.

I'm not sure you need that
kind of thing in Mogadishu.

I need to go west,
west-southwest for a bit,

but avoiding
that clump of trees.

What is this?

Shrugs it off!

It's Hammond! He's going
completely the wrong way.

Wrong way!

James going the other way
is a very comforting sight.

It means you're going
the right way.

JEREMY: In the Amarok, I was
still searching for another route.

Right... Oh, hang on.

I think I'm on a golf course.

Which way do I go?

Uh... maybe if I drove round
faster I could work it out.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Yeah, it's this way.
Here we go.

All cleared up now.

JAMES: Meanwhile,
in the Mercedes,

I was making
excellent progress.

I've got this fantastic
360-degree camera system in here,

so when I'm doing
a tricky bit like this,

I can turn the knob
and look down each side.

I can look down the right wheel,
down the left wheel, down the front.

Absolutely no excuse
for hitting anything. Easy.

I haven't grounded out
once doing this.

(THUDDING)

Um...

Meanwhile, I'd just realised
that for once in his life,

James had actually been going
in the right direction.

OK, I am lost.

I think it was that way.

I'm gonna go this way.

Right,
let's see what you got.

Come on.
I cannot lose this race.

- (THUDDING AND CLUNKING)
- Ooh!

Careful. A bit of a bump.

JAMES: With the others
far behind,

I'd found a rough track that led
to the forward operating base.

Buffeting...

Ohh, that's a big hole. Argh.

RICHARD: And Jeremy and I were also
heading in the right direction,

on a route that was longer,
but faster.

Big one!

(HE GROANS)

This is cracking along,
this thing!

(BARRELS RATTLING)

Yes!

On the fast track, the Amarok
was starting to come good.

This is quick. Very quick.

Even with 100 gallons
of Avgas in the back.

Whoa, hang on!

JAMES: Even though the Merc was
the only one with coil springs,

life on the rough track
was very uncomfortable.

- (THUDDING)
- Aargh!

Bogs!

Whoa!

And then...

Bollocks!

That is a complete dead end.

I've wasted my time.
I'm gonna have to go back.

I can't turn round there.
Oh, God.

Or there.

This is losing me vital time.

JEREMY: On the faster route,

the powerful Amarok was
starting to rein in the Ford.

Right, Hammond,
I'm coming to get you!

He's toast!

I don't think so, my friend!
No way!

- Come on, Amarok!
RICHARD: Eeeeeeee!

(HE CHUCKLES)

JEREMY: Get in, get in!

Kill him! I want the medal!
I want to deliver the fuel!

No way!
You're not coming through!

- Oh, no! Wooh-hoo!
- Yeah, he's been crossed up!

Come on, Jeremy!
Get him, get him, get him!

No! No!

JEREMY: I'm now in the lead!

I'm doing winning!

RICHARD: No!

Disaster!

RICHARD: No!
That's the compound! Damn it!

There's the helicopter! And once
again, the Amarok is victorious!

(DRAMATIC OPERATIC MUSIC)

(BARREL CLUNKS)

Is that barrel gonna...

(BOOMING EXPLOSION)

What on earth?

I'm probably not gonna get my freedom
fighter badge now, am I, for that?

- What happened?
- Well, him!

And any minute now he's gonna
claim he won this one as well.

- I did win it!
- Oh, yeah, it looks it.

That looks like success.

We were told to deliver fuel!

We weren't told to detonate
the nation's helicopter!

Look at it!

JEREMY: What is the budget
for our show?

- Smaller than it was.
- Yeah, not... not big enough.

That's quite a...
That's an expensive thing.

- Yeah, helico...
- Yeah, it's a helicopter.

There are
no cheap helicopters.

Apart from that one now.

It's beyond useless, isn't
it? It's something else.

- Oh, don't pat it.
- It's a good truck!

If you have to have
a pick-up truck,

at a time of strife
in your country,

this is proving to be
the winner at everything.

I may have prevented the war.

JAMES: How have you
prevented the war?

- Well, because...
- The helicopter was there to stop the war

by strafing
the uprising villagers.

- And now it can't do that.
- No.

So now the whole thing is gonna
descend into civil war and chaos.

(GUNFIRE AND CHANTING)

It is inevitable
in the developing world

that one day
all pick-up trucks

end up being used
as gun platforms.

- Yeah. It's their destiny.
- To die on the battlefield.

Yeah, every day
you turn on the news

and there's somebody standing in
the back of a Toyota or a Nissan,

shooting at someone
in a Humvee or a Land Rover.

And what we wanna know is how good
will our European trucks be at that.

Yeah. And most importantly,
which one is best.

JEREMY: To find out, each of
our pick-ups would be driven

through a ruined town
by a freedom fighter...

(CRUNCHING)

whilst we stood on the back
shooting at various targets.

These included
some big barn doors,

a whole bus,

and a selection
of cardboard soldiers.

James volunteered
to go first,

but there seemed to be
a bit of a problem.

Why haven't you s... Wh...
Why haven't you set off?

Well, I'm just doing
this small repair.

What are you repairing?

Well, when the barrels
were in,

it slightly
bowed out the sides,

and as a result of that,
this won't stay shut...

which is a bit hazardous.

That looks shut,
but you go over a bump

and that latch...
See how that doesn't line up?

So you've misused your pick-up
by using it as a pick-up?

No, I'm sorry, I...
There's more to it than that.

This is supposed to be
a Nissan and a Mercedes,

the world's
most durable thing...

Mm-hm? -...and it's
got a flexible back end?

That's rubbish! That is
actually, genuinely, rubbish.

JAMES: Whilst I secured
the tailgate,

Jeremy loaded up my AK-47...

I'll put it down carefully in case
I break your pick-up truck with it.

And then
I was ready to deploy.

- You can go.
- Ride out to glory!

- Look at him! The soldier of fortune!
- (RICHARD LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Dogs of war!

RICHARD: The Spaniel of War
is what it is!

(PANTING)

Oh, this is quite difficult.

Even though I've got the car with
the most sophisticated suspension,

I've got
a slightly slippery floor.

I'm looking for a barn door.

There it is.

(HE GROANS)

Argh.

They make this look a lot
easier in Black Hawk Down.

There's the bus! Oof!

(RAPID GUNFIRE)

Oh, cock!

Having somehow managed
to miss a whole bus,

I started to look for
the cardboard soldiers.

Die, cardboard
cut-out bast...

(HE GRUNTS)

(GUNFIRE)

More. Argh.

(GUNFIRE)

(HE GROANS) Ow!

Come on, barn door,
I'm ready for ya!

Take this, barn door!

JEREMY: Rambo May had missed
all the barn doors,

all of the bus
and all of the soldiers.

So, with a score of zero
to beat,

Arnold Hammondenegger
was feeling very confident.

- Stand up.
- I am standing up!

- (HE CHUCKLES)
- Oh, he loves that.

- (GUNFIRE)
- Ha!

- Ha-ha!
- (GUNFIRE)

Welcome to Richard Hammond's
usual weekend.

- (GUNFIRE)
- Ha-ha!

Ooh, wait!
Is that a barn door?

- (GUNFIRE)
- Oh, a bush got in the way.

That's all
that happened then.

Bus! Big target!

Oh, shit! I'm out of bullets.

Hold on. Ohh.

Bugger.

Oh, wait, targets!

Oh, I've jammed.

- (WEAPON CLICKING)
- OK, all the baddies, stop.

- (CLICKING)
- Hang on.

Oh, shit.

I've gotta try and make up for this now
on the last target. Pinpoint shooting.

- Barn doors! Target acquired!
- (GUNFIRE)

- (CLICKING)
- Oh, no! No, not now!

I've jammed my gun.
Oh, bollocks.

I had a bit of gun trouble,
I'll not lie.

- Well, here's some more news.
- Yes?

General Stonewall Clarkson
has gone off to get ready,

but I suddenly remembered...

- Remember when we were in Jordan?
- Yeah?

He can't fire
automatic rifles.

- No.
- Do you remember?

- Cos he's...
- Because... It's...

- He's crossed over, isn't he?
- Yeah.

He's right-handed,
but left-eyed.

- Yeah, so he shoots...
- He shoots from his left side.

Exactly. He's diagonal.

Which means all the spent
cartridges burn his arm.

- Exactly.
- Well, he'll be using a pistol, won't he?

- He always uses a pistol.
- Yes.

JEREMY: Actually,
I wasn't using a pistol.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

That's what I've got!

A .50 cal!

- Lock and load!
- (CLICKING)

Yes!

Barn door, barn door,
coming into view!

(RAPID GUNFIRE)

Oh! Argh! I may have...
I've missed... What?

Yeah, I've missed the door,
uh... there, badly.

Searching for targets.

There's a bus
round here somewhere.

- There it is.
- (GUN STAND SQUEAKS)

Ah, I can't get on it.
I can't get on it.

I can't get on the bus!
Opening fire!

- (EXPLOSIVE BOOM)
- Oh!

Ah, I think I hit that...
Ah, I've done that wrong!

Men on the bridge! Lock
and load! I said it again!

Die!

(SLOWED-DOWN GUNFIRE)

I may be... I'm getting a bit...
It's the leaf springs.

Bad mark for Volkswagen
there, this jigglyness.

Right, here we go. Men.

Die!

Die!

- (EXPLOSION)
- Oh, God.

After this,
I got a bit carried away.

(GUNFIRE)

(BULLET RICOCHETS)

Die!

(RAPID GUNFIRE CONTINUES)

(BELL DINGS)

Up! Oh, God.

I'm gonna be in trouble
for that one.

I've done that
very wrong there, look.

I've just noticed something.
It's got sights!

It's not just guesswork.
That's useful.

Right, barn door.
Here we go.

(RAPID GUNFIRE)

(RAPID GUNFIRE STOPS)

(CLATTERING)

(METAL GROANING)

(FRAME CREAKING)

(CLATTERING)

Yes!

- What?
- Another victory!

How do you work that out?

I hate to tell you this,

but you haven't hit the doors,
which was the target.

How do you know
I haven't hit the doors?

- Because there's no...
- (CLATTERING)

Well, on that terrible
disappointment for him...

time to go back to the tent.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

No! No, no, no!

Don't... Don't clap!
Don't clap!

He killed a man!

- (LAUGHTER)
- You jammed an AK-47!

- Well...
- It's famously un-jammable!

No one in history has ever
jammed one till you came along!

Yes, it overheated!

That's cos you were
firing it into the air

pointlessly
when you set off!

That's what they're for!

Weddings, funerals,
exam results -

you go outside,
fire your AK in the air!

It's a joyous thing!

They are the party popper
of the developing world!

(LAUGHTER)

Never mind all that.

- I have the scores. The final scores.
- This is the important bit.

Jeremy Clarkson,
you fired 2,600 rounds.

Mm-hm.

And the number of targets
you hit... was one.

(LAUGHTER)

You laugh,
but it's one more than him!

- Uh... it is.
- It is one more than you, so I'm winning!

Wait, so hang on, it all boils
down to how many targets I hit.

- Yes, but you had a roll bar to hang onto.
- I did.

Yeah, he did.
And he scored...

Yes?

Nought.

- (LAUGHTER)
- He really got nothing?

- Yep.
- OK, so after all of that,

what is our conclusion,
gentlemen?

- Can we do a sensible one?
- Yeah.

See, the thing is, that
Mercedes Nissan you had,

it did have
a wobbly back end,

and I just don't think
that's good enough, actually,

in a pick-up truck,
I really don't.

The Volkswagen is very good,

but pick-up trucks are working
tools, and it's just a bit too posh.

You wouldn't want to get into it in muddy
boots. I don't think that will work.

So, it's the Ford, then?
It's the cheapest.

It is the cheapest. And it's,
I think, the best-looking.

And it is actually
the one I'd have.

- You'd have the Ford?
- Yeah.

- And you'd have the Ford?
- We'd both have the Ford.

James, what would you have?

I wouldn't have
a pick-up truck.

(LAUGHTER) - Yes,
I know, but in this test

of pick-up trucks,
which one would you have?

None of them.
I wouldn't have one.

Yeah, I know!
But we're testing pick-ups,

so which pick-up truck of
the three would you have?

I wouldn't have
a pick-up truck.

You've just spent 20 minutes
reviewing these pick-up trucks.

The ladies and gentlemen would
like to know which is the best?

I've come to a conclusion, on
behalf of the ladies and gentlemen,

which is
don't have a pick-up truck.

James! You have
a powerful imagination!

Use it! Let's pretend!

OK, come with me
on a journey.

We'll warm
your imagination up.

- Imagine you're an eagle.
- OK.

Visualise that you're
flying over mountains.

Can you feel it? Can you feel
the wind in your feathers?

- Mmm.
- It's beautiful, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- OK, now

imagine you've
got a pick-up truck.

Which one is it?

Why would an eagle
have a pick-up truck?

- (LAUGHTER)
- No! No!

I mean, imagine...
OK, let's try...

OK, imagine, James May, a pastoral scene.
Have you got it?

There's, like,
rolling, grassy hills,

a few sheep around -
you're a farmer.

You're walking round
with your dog

at your heel there,
sheep all around you.

Can I have Beethoven playing?

Beethoven is playing,
obviously, live.

There's an old
five-bar gate there.

An old oak tree
arches over the gate.

And under the oak tree is
your farmer's pick-up truck.

- Which one is it?
- It's not there.

I wouldn't have it, because I
wouldn't have a pick-up truck.

Neither should anybody else.
You shouldn't have one.

Even in your imagination...

My imagination does not
admit a pick-up truck.

- I'm not being stubborn. I know my mind.
- Yes.

And I don't want
a pick-up truck.

What I know is that
you've wasted so much time

not choosing a pick-up truck,

and claiming that the Battle
of Britain was a draw,

that we don't have time
for the big celebrity duel

between... Adrian Chiles and
Howard from the Halifax ads.

- Oh, no!
- Exactly!

And on that terrible
disappointment, we must end.

Thank you so much
for watching. Good night!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)