All language subtitles for The.Beautician.and.the.Beast.1997.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264.CRO-DIAMOND_track6_eng

( soft, romantic music playing )

( birds singing happily )

( bunnies squeaking )

Ah, an enchanted princess.

You're not a dwarf.

Come away,
fair maiden.

We shall be
married at once.

Married? One kiss,
and suddenly I'm engaged?

I wasn't even
awake to enjoy it.

Be gone! And watch
where you walk.

The bunnies eat
a lot of fruit.

You'll be my princess.

Like that line of work's
such a bargain.

Affairs, bulimia, divorce.
I read People.

Here.
Unhand me.

I'm too young
to get married.

Aha! A sense of humor.
I like that in my chattel.

No. I've got goals.

I've got dreams.
I've got ambition.

Wait! Come back! Miss Miller!

Miss Miller!

Miss Miller?
Miss Miller?

Eh.

Miss Miller?

Ho! Oh.

Oh, I must have been having
a little nightmare. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
It's time.

I'm sorry. It's just
that I'm juggling three jobs,

and so I really...

This audition is so important.

We're on
in 45 minutes.

Okay, thank you,
thank you.

Hi. My name is Joy.

Oh, it is such a pleasure
to meet you.

You know,
I am such a big fan.

Listen, if I get this job,
I guarantee you, honey,

that you will never frizz,
you'll never kink up.

And on Fridays,
I will give you a set so stiff,

you won't have to touch it
till Monday.

Just keep it simple.

Sure, sure. Less is more.
That's my motto.

30 sec--

Doesn't she look gorgeous?

Come on.
Oh, this is so exciting.

I swear,
I never miss you on TV.

In five, four,

three, two...

Good evening, and welcome
to New York state lotto.

Tonight, you could win
or share a jackpot

of three million dollars.

And now, for tonight's
winning lottery numbers.

They gave the job to a cool,
sophisticated European.

Look, call me a realist.

Is teaching night school
so terrible?

Maybe one day you could own
your own beauty parlor.

Maybe raise a family.
God forbid, eh?

I don't want to settle.

Sweetheart, I say this
because I love you. Settle.

Meanwhile, did you see me
take one or two Mylantas?

( whispering ):
I'm still not good.

( sighs )

Don't listen to your mother.
She's not like us.

We're dreamers.

But, Daddy,
you settled.

You opened
a stationery store.

No. That was my dream.
I love cards.

But, look...
Ma, you know, it's not as if

I don't want to settle down
and raise a family.

I'd just like to meet a guy who
wears less jewelry than I do.

You always did
set your sights too high.

When I meet the right guy,
I'll know. I don't know how,

but I'll feel some kind
of an utz in my stomach.

( barking )

Hi, sweetie. Ooh, Ma,
he's still biting himself?

Uh, the vet says
it's stress.

( soft whine )

What do you have
to be stressful about?

I can't imagine.

PEOPLE:
Royal blue, rust, sapphire,

turquoise, violet and wine.

Excellent!

You know, the Ultra-Pearl
shadows are always the hardest.

Now, let's see...

I don't think
it looks right.

You got to
move the mole.

Class, the mole always
goes over the left lip.

This way, it balances
the cigarette, see?

Otherwise, if it's
all on the same side,

you look like you're
going to fall over.

ALL:
Ah!

Angelica, it's called Revlon,
not Dutch Boy.

Class, class,
what is our motto here?

Flashy, not...

ALL: Trashy.
Excellent.

Hector, no! The cigarette!
That hair spray is flammable!

I ain't smoking no cigarette.

Oh, my God!
Aah! Mommy!

Somebody get a spritzer bottle.
Go spritz it, go spritz it.

Hurry!
( alarm ringing )

Oh, oh, a big fire!
A big fire.

We'll get out of here,
no problem. I'm the teacher.

Everybody get out of here,
single file.

I've got it!
JOY: Don't panic.

Just move very slowly,
single file.

We'll get out of here,
no problem.

People, don't worry
about your stuff.

We're all going
to get out of here alive.

Oh, Hector, Hector, Hector,
we got to go save the animals.

I ain't saving no rats.
Burn, baby, burn!

Oh, don't breathe.
Don't inhale.

They say it's the smoke
that gets you.

Hold on. I'm coming.
I'm going to save you.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh. Ooh, I can't believe
I'm doing this!

Ooh. Would you relax?
It's just embossed vinyl.

( flame roaring )

( siren blaring )

Bring it up!
Come on, come on, bring it up!

Keep it coming!

Come on,
let's tap in.

FIREMAN:
Two guys are
on the roof.

( applause )
That's it. That's all of them.

You are a hero,
Miss Miller.

( laughs ):
Oh.

Do you need any oxygen?
Huh?

Oh. Oh, oh, um,
no thanks, fireman.

I'm, uh... I'm fine.

Thank you.
Okay.

( coughs )

You know, I'm feeling
a little short of breath.

He was talking
to me.

Hey, Miss Miller, smile.
Oh, no.

Oh.

Her.

"'Confident' is a good word."

"'Unstoppable' is a good word."

"'Unbelievably blessed'
are great words."

"Promise yourself
to be so strong

that nothing can disturb
your peace of mind."

( brakes squealing )

"Speak happiness and peace
with everyone you meet."

Excuse me.
Get away. This is pepper spray.

It'll blind you.
Oh. It's Binaca.

I'm not criminal.
Look. I have suit.

Wait a minute.
Are you from Visa?

'Cause, you know,
you shouldn't
tell people

that they could
just pay the minimum

and hound them
day and night.

I'm not bill collector.
Ho, there!

Please.

My card.

"Slovetzia"? What's that,
your pimp-daddy name?

No, no, no, it's my country.

My name is Grushinsky.

My president,
Boris Pochenko,

feels that with
the glorious onset

of democracy
in our country,

his children should be exposed
to Western thought

for six months,

so he sent me to United States
to bring back

finest teacher available.

"Brave, selfless,
and willing to die." Oh!

His Excellency respects
such qualities in a teacher.

Uh, you know what?
Talk to the hand.

Please, please,
let me finish.

The job pays
40,000 American dollars.

Do they take out FICA?

Of course.
What is this FICA?

Please, it is a legitimate offer
to live in Eastern Europe.

It's in Europe?

Oh, yes. It's very beautiful.

It's like Paris...

50 years ago.

Paris.

Uh, Paris, mais oui.

You pardon my saying so,
Miss Miller,

but a woman of your caliber
should experience more

than just this.

You know, that's
what I always thought.

Oh, it's obvious.
It's such big world.

Do you really want to disappear
in this little place?

Eastern Europe?
Are you out of your mind?

Ma! It's Europe. They say
it's like Paris 50 years ago.

They were Nazis in Paris
50 years ago.

I know. We're late.

But you know, it's really better
to be last on board.

Then, your bags come off first.

It's private plane.

Ma, I love you, but you're
way too attached to me.

I am not
too attached to you.

Oh, really? What's in here, huh?
What?

What is this?
What?!

You know.
I don't.

What's this?
Your umbilical cord.

Take me with you.

Ma, I'm sorry,
but I just got to try this.

I feel like there's something
more out there for me.

I love you, kiddo.

I love you, Ma.
Oh.

( laughs )

( bleating )

No. No, come back!

( barking )

Nice to see you...

( bleating )

Hurry up,
hurry up.

GRUSHINSKY:
So, Miss Miller,

I need some information
for our files.

Where were you schooled?

Uh, well, I went for two years
to the Sassoon Academy,

but I graduated from
the Barbizon School.

Oh?

JOY:
You know, I read
in the Frommers

that you're having
some internal problems.

Oh, a few young people
with too much spirit

and not enough patience.

It's just democracy takes time.

It's nothing to worry about.
Don't open the window!

So, whatever supplies
you need

for the classroom,
the castle will provide.

Oh, well, you know,
it's just the usual.

I mean, a couple of heads,
cotton balls, mousse.

You need a moose?

No, actually,
it's more like gel.

But here, let me just...
Here, hold that a minute.

Here...

Oh, here we go.
Here we go.

A little bit, 'cause
it's the extra-hold kind.

You've got some nice hairline
going on here, mister.

Uh, Miss Miller?
Yes.

What exactly do you teach?

Beauty culture.

( ragged breathing )

I'm dead man. My life is over.

What's the problem?

I thought you
taught science.

Teach it?
I-I didn't even pass it.

Oh, please.
I must make list

of all the things
that I've never done

and do them
in the next hour.

Excuse me,
but I am the victim here.

This was supposed
to be my big break.

I gave up my job,
my family.

Mr. Grushinsky,
we're in a no-win situation.

Why not try
and make the best of it?

You teach beauty school.

Well, I know that,
and you know that.

Oh, you Americans
and your positive thinking.

There are some situations

that big-toothed person
cannot get you out of.

( pained gasp )

Oh, now, you're just
palpitating a little.

Breathe deep.
Breathe deep.

There we go.
Oh. Oh, Mama.

You know, I don't even
know your first name.

Iriasky Ivanovich.

I'll call you Ira.

You know, Ira,
I used to give pedicures

to women who wore
plastic shoes in summer.

What's a tougher gig
than that?

That.

Who's that?

Oh, this, of course, is
His Excellency, Boris Pochenko.

His Excellency?

I thought you said
he was a president.

Semantics.

Please, come.

Nobody seems very happy.

MAN:
In Slovetzia,

hard work today,
happiness tomorrow.

Oh, you startled me,
Prime Minister Kleist.

This is Miss Miller,
the children's new tutor.

May I present
our Prime Minister,

Leonid Kleist.

Welcome to my country.

I trust you'll find
everything to your liking.

If you need something,
please don't hesitate to ask...

Well...
...him.

Oh. Mm.

Uh, nice meeting you.

This will be your room.

Wow...

Please.

Many great men
have stayed here.

Castro, Khrushchev,
Tito.

Well, I'm-I'm sure
I'll be very comfortable.

Could I possibly get a blanket
without a head?

Please, Miss Miller, of course.

Now, remember,

your audience with
His Excellency is in one hour.

One hour?
Yes.

You want me to make
a good impression, don't you?

Get out, get out.
Please hurry.

I got to get all refreshed.

Attention!

Well, where is she?

Did we just go through
all this for nothing?

Where is the teacher?!

Someone must know.

Please, Mr. President,
she's still in her room.

But she'll be here
very soon.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, Mr. President.

I-I know that I'm late,
and I'm so sorry.

Please, don't judge me by this.

It's just that
it's so dark in this castle,

which is great
for atmosphere,

but it's hell
for putting on liquid liner,

which, frankly,
I can put on

in a crosstown bus
sitting over the motor.

But, of course, that
wouldn't interest you

because I am an educator,

and no one really cares
what an educator looks like.

Still, what's it
like outside?

'Cause I was thinking
about wearing suede,

and I noticed...
Make her be quiet!

I heard.

Joy Miller, since this is
your first time in my country,

I will make
allowances for you.

Once.

But I do not take
lightly your being here.

My children are growing up
in a different world than me,

and I believe, despite
opinions to the contrary,

that they must learn
to live within it.

You must help them
face a new century

and the Western
dignitaries

who will now be
coming into our home.

So in future,

I expect you to be prompt,
efficient and dressed.

Is that clear?

Oh, no.

Good day.

( bell tolling )

( child whimpers )

( gasps )
Oh, my God.

Oh...
( clears throat )

Rule number one, kids:
never surprise a New Yorker.

¿Comprendes?

Oh, my God.
You don't speak English?

I'm Katrina. And this is
my brother, Karl.

Karl Pochenko, eldest son of
His Excellency, the President.

How do you do, Karl?
Nice posture.

I look forward
to learning all about

your decadent American ways.

Honey, we just met.

What's your name?
Masha.

Well, Masha, come out
from behind that bedpost

so I can see more than just
that gorgeous hair of yours.

You don't look like
the other teacher.

She was ugly,
with missing teeth,

and her breath smelled
like something died,

farting in her mouth.
Oy.

We've never met
an American before.

Never?!

KARL:
We don't want
to be raped

by your mindless
cultural imperialism.

You know, Karl,

you only get one chance
to make a first impression.

( whimpers )

Oh, sweetie, why do
you look so sad?

Let me see
what's the matter.

Oh, honey, you shouldn't
bite your nails like that.

( rapidly kissing )

You want to grow
a hand in your stomach?

Miss Miller, will we
see you at breakfast?

Oh, sure, sure.
Most important meal of the day.

What is this exactly?

Blood sausage
in clotted cream.

It's a delicacy.

It must be in your honor.

Oh.

Well, it...
looks delicious.

Good morning, children.

CHILDREN:
Good morning, Father.

Joy Miller.

Good morning,
Mr. President.

( growling )

Your New York Times is
completely biased against me.

Oh, don't blame me.
I haven't owned it for years.

( Joy chuckling )

Won't you be joining us
for breakfast?

I can't. I'm very busy.

You know, kids, some of
the best memories of my father

were sitting around
the breakfast table,

and, you know, he would eat
until he got so full

that he would have
to roll his undershirt up

over his stomach and make
his bellybutton talk.

He was a simple man.

You want to try?

No.

Oh, all right, I'm sorry.

We won't take up
any more of your time.

( low growl )

I am not having
my bellybutton talk.

There, isn't this nice?

Ah... you know, Mr. President,

I am just so excited
to be teaching your children--

I can't tell you.

What? What did she say?

I didn't hear that.

Um, oh well, no bother.
We'll come to you.

Come on, kids, hurry up.
Your father wants to talk.

Come on. Hurry up.

Hurry up.
What are they doing?

They are coming to talk.
Why?

Joy Miller.
Oh, sit, sit.

It's just as easy to move
five people as it is one.

There we go.

( Joy sighs )

( clears throat )

You know, it was so cute
when I woke up this morning,

and all the kids
were sitting on my bed.

What?! Is this true?

JOY:
Oh...

No, uh-uh.

But you said they were
sitting on your bed.

No, no, I said, "if they were
sitting on the bed

"it would have been
cute...

but highly
inappropriate."

So, tell me, what can you get
for a place like this?

I mean,
in this neighborhood?

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Well, just for curiosity's sake,

how'd it work
with your last teacher?

Uh, we read aloud
from our text books.

Oh. What'd she do?

She watched.

Sometimes she slept.

And she still got paid?
Of course.

Oh, if it ain't broken...

Oh, let's see what we're going
to read today here.

Hmm...

Mmm...

Mm!

Okay, World His...

...tory.

Oop! Here's your father.

"His Excellency,
President-for-life Pochenko."

And, Karl, why don't you begin?

"In the winter of 1991,
President Pochenko

"led and coordinated
Operation Desert Storm,

resulting in a glorious
victory for Slovetzia."

What? Let me see that.

One minute here.

( tapping )

( mouthing )

Mm. Go figure.

( clears throat )

Okay, well, now if
the person that's in office

is called the president,

what do we call the person
that runs against him?

Loser?
Traitor?

Missing?

No. The challenger.
In a democracy,

you have the right
to hold free election.

I mean, this is
a free country, isn't it?

Lunch, please. Now. Go.
Thank you.

What are you doing?

Ira, I'm sorry. I cannot
stand in this classroom

and teach these children
these lies.

I... I can't do it.

Then what are you
going to teach them?

( softly squeals )

Things.

Therefore, if you've earned

18,640 frequent flier miles,

but it takes 20,000 miles

to go from Miami to Scottsdale,

how many flights
do you have to take

to make up the difference?

Karl?

Uh... one-way New York
to Boca Raton?

That's right. Recess.

15 minutes.
And remember, kids,

put on your sunblocks
because rays today...

ALL:
Raisins tomorrow.

Fab.

Uh, Miss Miller?
Yeah, honey?

May I ask you something?
Sure.

You are a woman
of the Western world.

Mm-hmm.
Sophisticated.

Promiscuous.
Hey.

My father won't let me date.

And all I want to do
is have sex.

Sex, sex and more sex.

Well, that might be the reason
why he won't let you date,

but English isn't
your first language,

so tell me exactly
what you mean by "sex."

Oh, well... you know, sex.

Uh... holding hands,
eating ice cream.

Oh, well, actually,
you've just described

the before and after events,

( quietly ):
but we'll talk
about that later.

Miss Miller... I'm in love.

Oh, sweetie, that's wonderful.

But my marriage is already
prearranged to someone else.

What?
And I hate him.

( gasps )

He's a stupid prince
with his stupid castles

and his stupid boats.

Got a picture?

Well, you know, with all his
money, he could get that fixed.

I don't love him.

Please, you have to help me.

Honey, this is really something
for you to discuss

with your father.

No, I... no.

Just tell him how you feel.
Assert yourself.

Trust me,
he'll respect you for it.

BORIS:
Who is it?

I-It's me... Katrina.

BORIS ( shouting ):
Joy Miller!

You were hired to teach
my children,

not fill their head
with ideas about boys.

Stick to your duties
and let this be

the last time I see you
in this office!

Now go.

Fine, I'm sorry.
It'll never happen again.

You want to screw up your kids,
screw up your kids.

It's not my legacy.
What...?!

What did she say?

She found screw...

from leg of... table.

Check table legs.

Stop!

Don't shout.
There's a man under here.

Is this the only job
you can get yourself?

Next. Now, for
your information, this boy

Katrina is mooning over
is a known agitant.

Well, have you ever met
a teenager that wasn't?

( laughs )

He and his friends
are fugitives from the law.

She will have
an arranged marriage

just like I had, just like
her children will have.

Well, that's just ridiculous.

Do you know what happened

to the last person
who called me ridiculous?

No.

Well, neither do I,

it's been so long
since anyone's seen him.

All right, I'm sorry.

Boy, you can dish it out,
but you sure can't take it.

Out! Out! Out! Everybody out!

Not you.

Joy Miller...

...this, me making statement

and you making a mumble
comment after-- no good.

Here, I talk last.

Fine, I understand.

P.S., who could get
a word in edgewise?

You do it again!

Just teach my children.

That's all.

And don't do that thing again.

All right.

You want to do it, don't you?

Well, doesn't it bother you

that your own children
live in fear of you?

It is not fear-- it is respect.

Oh, excuse me.
You instill fear.

You-you earn respect.

Oh, no. He punctured you.

Oh, it-it's nothing.

( gasps )
Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so bad with blood.
Maybe it needs some hydrogen...

Mr. President,
the planning committee

for the summit has arrived.

Good day, Miss Miller.

Good day.

( humming tunelessly )

( gasps )
What are you doing here?

Relax. I came to say hello.

Are you insane?

You look, uh, quite...

fetching this evening,
Miss Miller.

Who are you, and what'd you do
with the little Nazi kid?

There is one area
of my education

that has been neglected.

And you are my teacher.

You don't even like me.

I just pretend
not to like you

because I'm afraid
you don't like me.

I don't like you.

Ah, you can't
have everything.

Oh! Oh, my God, it worked!

Are you okay?
Leave me alone.

Well, boy, do you
blow hot and cold.

Come on, Karl,
don't be that way.

This isn't you.

I know. But everyone expects me
to be like my father--

take what I want,
no questions asked.

He says that's what makes
a great leader.

No wonder I hate politics.

Well, look, you're entitled
to your opinion.

What are you interested in?

I'm an artist.
I-I want to paint.

Well, that's wonderful.

Does your father know
about all this?

No, I've never even
said it aloud before.

But eventually,
I... I will have to tell him.

Oh, he will explode.

Then he would calm down, and
then he'd learn to deal with it.

Honey, your father loves you.

He only wants you
to be happy.

Thank you. This has been
most helpful, Miss Miller.

All right. So, now
you got to get out

because I want
to get dressed.

Tonight, I'm going
to see the sights.

In Slovetzia?
Yeah.

You'll be back
in 20 minutes.

Geweg.

I think I overdressed.

Katrina?

What are you doing here?

I-I snuck here in the car.

Well, you're going to
snuck right back again.

I'm calling you a cab.
Where's there a phone?

Um... what about over here?

What, that old building?
What's in there?

Uh, I don't know.

( rhythmic knock )

( loud techno-pop music
playing )

It must be some sort
of underground club.

You think?

Isn't it great?

Finally,
a little culture.

There's a bathroom.

I'm going to see if
there's a phone in there.

Don't move. I got eyes
in the back of my head.

Ladies, I'm not
cutting the line.

I just need a phone.

MAN:
Dangerous times call
for dangerous action!

Things will never change
until we get the guts

to actually do something
out in the open.

( crowd agreeing )

You think Pochenko is just
going to wake up tomorrow

and say, "Gee, I should give
the people some rights"?

I say firebomb that puppet
newspaper of his again.

MAN:
We've done that.

Now that the world knows who we
are, we've got to use the press.

Don't be so naive.

Armed struggle is
the birth pain of revolution.

STUDENT:
Yes, we may get blood
on our hands,

but blood washes clean.

What will you tell
your grandchildren?

Will you tell them
that you fought like heroes

and brought down the lion?

ALL:
Yeah!

JOY:
Katrina!

Katrina?

I am going to choose to believe
someone stole that toilet.

Oh.

Katrina. Katrina,
they tracked us down here.

They're going to think
that I put you up to it.

Don't look.
Hide your face.

MAN:
Alexander Gurko!

Arrest him!

Honey, honey, honey!

Now listen, you want
to nip this thing

you got for bad boys
right in the bud.

He's not a criminal.
He's a patriot!

Insolence.

The audacity!

The nerve to sneak my daughter
out of the castle

and bring her to one of those
underground, decadent...

( clicks fingers )

Discotheque.

Mr. President, it wasn't
my idea to go to a disco.

I really wanted to go to
the reggae club down the street.

Reggae club? Address, please?

Uh... it's one
of those clubs

that move from place to place.
It's not for you.

Don't cover for her.

This is not the first time
she does this,

but it will be the last.

Well, what do you
mean, "the last"?

Did you just talk back to me?

Mm?

No.

You may go to bed, young lady.

Very smooth. So, now
what's she going to do?

Cry her eyes out for an hour

and then probably start dating
bikers just to spite you.

You know who Mr. Kleist
arrested in that club?

I know.

He could put her in danger.

I know and I'm sorry.
I-I was totally wrong.

Wait.
It's just...

Wait.

Go back.

You were...?

Wrong.

So that would make me...?

Right.

Right, right, right.
Yes!

Don't do the thing.

( clicks tongue )

( clicks tongue )

( growling )
But I wouldn't have been
able to sneak her out

if you spent
a little more time
with your daughter.

This woman does not understand
her job description.

This should not concern you.
Miss Miller.

Incredible.
Now my prime minister

tells me what does
and does not concern me.

I think that is my job.

Leave us.
Please?

Out!

You know, you really
shouldn't hire friends.

It never works out.

He's right. I do have
more important things to do.

But you obviously feel

that I should spend more time
with my children.

Yes, I do.

So...

...here is my schedule.

You tell me when.

Okay.

Ah, let's see.

Oh, "Nuclear
Disarmament meeting."

That you should go to.
Mm-hmm.

"NATO. NATO. NATO.

NATO. NATO."

Well, I see your point.

But my father was
a busy man, too,

and he always
made time for us.

And what does your father
do for a living?

He owns
a stationery store.

Ah.

JOY:
Oh, here's one of my heroes.

Thurgood Marshall.

You know, he was an American
Supreme Court Justice

who championed equality
for all people.

And here's Mother Teresa.
She spent her life

as a missionary helping
poor people in Calcutta.

Hmm. I'm not sure who that is.

I think it's the little kid from
Eight Is Enough all grown up.

And that's his boyfriend.

Surprise.

Look who's here--

come to watch
the proper teaching.

Chemistry.

Won't you have a seat?

A-Anywhere is good.

Hmm.

What subject is this?

Um, well,
we call that Shop.

Hmm. But what about Literature?

Yeah?
Flaubert, Turgenev, Shakespeare.

You do know your Shakespeare,
don't you?

From covereth to covereth.

Let me just get
to the blackboard here, mister.

Don't move, I'm fine.

Ah, one of my favorites.

But we didn't have an assignment
on Romeo and Juliet.

( clears throat )
West Side Story, honey.

I brought the tape.

It's so much more accessible
for the kids to relate to.

Don't you agree? Karl?

I was confused by the film.

I've read of
the gang problems

in the United States,
but I had not been aware

they were so proficient
in ballet.

Well, I'll tell ya,
I couldn't get beyond

Natalie Wood's
Puerto Rican accent,

but, you know, that's
if you lived there.

I think that if
their narrow-minded families

had not kept them apart,

they would have experienced
the long life of true love.

I know, kids.

Why don't we show your father
how all do a fire drill?

No, no, no.
This is interesting.

You see,
I believe the tragedy

in the story was because

the children took matters
into their own hands.

See, class, this is good.

We're have a dialogue.
We're debating.

I thought today we were
going to learn cornrows.

Next week, sweetie.

It was the parents' fault.

They were just so cut off
and dead inside.

They felt they had to trample
everyone else's dreams

just so that they could prove
they were still alive.

This will never be,
Katrina. Never!

Put this
out of your mind.

Do you understand?

We are ready, Mr. President.

That boy's future
is already decided.

It is?

( crowd chanting ):
Pochenko... Pochenko...

( cheering )

( fanfare music playing )

( fanfare ends )

( microphone feedback whines )

Four weeks ago, a known traitor,

Alexander Gurko, plotting
to overthrow our government,

was arrested!

( cheering )

He is being held here,
in the dungeons of this castle.

The same dungeons
where centuries of traitors

have eaten their last meals
and drawn their last breaths!

( cheering )

Let this serve as a warning...

that we will not tolerate

any assault on the peace-loving,

democratic government
of Slovetsia!

( cheering )

( fanfare music plays )

( music and cheering stops )

( cheering wildly )

I always wanted to do that.

What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep.
You?

I don't sleep.

Oh, well...
you want a sandwich?

Mm...

What kind?

Oh, well, that depends.

You know, is this tuna fresh?

Because I noticed
your country's landlocked.

I call someone.

( yells in Slovetzian )

Wait. It's not as if they don't
work hard enough all day.

Come on, we can make
our own sandwich.

I don't know where
anything is in this kitchen.

Oh, come on.

I can find food
at Gandhi's house.

What, are you
kidding me? Here.

Cut.

Pardon me.

( sighs )

( humming )

Oh, oh, thanks, thanks.

( banging knife )

Want to talk about it?

My country is broke.
Oh.

So for months,
we plan summit meeting

for Western heads of state
to show we are stable enough

to receive foreign aid,
but now since these arrests,

your press makes me out
to be worse barbarian than ever.

I mean, they don't understand.

I have to show strength.

You know, if you want
to show strength,

the man that rules with
his heart rules the world.

Unfortunately, Joy Miller,
life is not so simple.

Well, it can be if you don't

spend half your time
complicating it.

Turkey?
White meat.

They always give me dark.
I... I don't like.

You know, you should try
running a country for a day.

It's not all making war and
smashing dissidents, you know.

It's hard work.
I'm sure it is.

Where is some... ?
What?

Mayonnaise.

We finished it.
Oh.

Hmm.
You're lying.

It's all gone.
Where is it?

I had to scrape for this.
Give it me.

Oh, all right,
I'll give it you,
give it you.

Here you go.
Hmm.

( chuckles )

Mm-hmm.

I just hope
you realize

you're entering
those dangerous
heart attack years.

Why must you always
go one step too far?

When you could be...
such a pleasant person...

if you just had a tiny,
little "edit" button.

Mm-hmm.

Now I can't enjoy!

Well, it's better
with the mustard anyway.

Here, taste mine.
Uh-uh.

Come on.
Hmm.

Oh, don't be
such a big baby.

♪ Choo-choo
Choo-choo ♪

( laughter )

Mmm.

Uh-huh.
Mmm.

Good.
Mmm.

Sure.
Yeah.

( both chuckling )

Now why haven't you
been married?

Well, it's not as if
I've never been asked.

But, you mean, your parents
allowed you to refuse?

You know,
in our country,

we decide who
we're going to marry.

I've decided on
John Kennedy, Jr.,

and while he's in denial,
I'm going to travel.

( laughs )

( laughter )

You know, your laugh
reminds me of my wife.

You're kidding?

No.

She laughed with...
with her whole heart.

Just like you.

Aw...

You must really
miss her, huh?

( sighs )
You know, I...

I never appreciated her.

Then she was gone, and...
and I realized too late.

( sighs )

You know, the kids
showed me her picture.

She was very beautiful.

Every time I look
into their faces, I see her.

Well, you should
look a little closer.

There's a lot
of you in there.

Joy Miller, I...

Yes?

I have someplace special

that I would really like
to show you tomorrow.

It would mean a lot to me.

Well, I'm going
to have to clear it
with my boss.

( both chuckling )

Good.

Till tomorrow then.

Okay.

Tomorrow.

Good night.

Night.

JOY:
This is
a special place.

Was it special for
someone else, too?

It's where I slaughtered
my first cow.

Huh?
I was ten.

And my father told me
I could eat

only what I killed myself.

All I had were two sticks
and a butter knife,

but I learned
to be a man that day.

Oh. What a sweet story.

Oh, hi, Vaclav.

Good morning,
Miss Miller.

How's your cold?

Much better,
thank you.

That echinacea
is a miracle worker.

All right.

You know him?

Sure. That's Vaclav.

He must be new.

New? He's been
working here 50 years.

Oh! Vaclav.
Yeah.

He changed his hat.

You know, folks
around here are
pretty friendly

if you just get
to know them
a little better.

People do not
warm up to me.

Well, have
you ever tried
talking to them?

No.
Oh.

Svetlana!

No. Don't!

Svetlana, wait up.

Wait.
Come on.

Hi.

Svetlana, I want you
to meet the President.

( sighs )
How do you do?

I killed a cow
right over there.

Nice meeting you.

Carry on.

Yeah, well,
you'll get better at it,

but at least now you know
that even when I'm not around,

you can just walk up
to somebody and talk...

Who's that over there?
Oh.

What is he doing?

It looks like...

he's saying hello.

Don't be
ridiculous.

He's saying hello.

We follow them.

BORIS:
What a nice man
that hermit was.

JOY:
Uh-huh.

I didn't even know
I had a hermit.

All right.
Enough for today.

You want to save some peasants
for tomorrow, don't you?

Meanwhile,
where are we?

I don't even think
we're on your land anymore.

I am President.
Is all my land.

JOY:
We're lost,
aren't we?

We're not lost.

Well, we're going
in circles.

No, we're not.

Well, either
these are my
heel marks,

or that hermit's got
a whole other life

that we know
nothing about.

I know where we are.

Well, where are we?

We're in the woods.

I knew it.

Why can't you just
ask one of them for directions?

No.

Please. Asking for directions
is not the first step

to a two-party system,
you know.

Look, I know
where we're going.

Where are we going?

There.

Oh, right. Like you knew
that was going to be there.

I did. That's where
I wanted to take you.

That factory?

What do they make there?

I don't want
to give it away.

It's a surprise?

It's a factory. What do you
care what they make?

Oh, come on.

There will be lots
more people to meet.

( sighs )
Okay.

What is he
doing now?

He's taking her
to a factory.

No, he's doing
something much
more dangerous.

He's being
spontaneous.

Hurry!

( patriotic song being sung
in foreign language )

Pretty exciting, huh?

Bet this doesn't happen
every day.

Oh! Now we'll
have to work
late tonight.

I'll miss my supper.

Well, at least
you'll be able

to rack in some
good overtime, huh?

What is "overtime"?

What, are you kidding me?
Who's your union representative?

What is "union"?

( song continues with gusto )

It is none
of your business!

And who is this...
Norma Rae?

You know, I might have
said the word "strike."

I say a lot of things.
Who listens?

Meddler!

Let me tell you
three things.

Number one,
that place is
a sweatshop.

Number two,
all that phony
hero worship!

How could that be satisfying?
And number three...

Well, one and two
should be enough.

( angry groan )
( angry groan )

Oh!

Miss Miller?
( yelps )

Honey, don't scare me
like that.

I need your help.
I must see Alek.

Oh, talk to the hand, 'cause
the ears ain't listening.

The jailer is asleep
right now.

All you have to do
is come keep watch.

Now there are
jailers involved?

Forget it, honey.
Oh, please.

Don't you remember what it
felt like when you were young?

You're not scoring
any points here.

I should have guessed.
What do you know about love?

You're nearly twice my age,
yet you've never been married.

Well, I've had to operate
from within a very limited pool.

Or maybe you're just
afraid to fall in love.

You know, when
I first got here,

you were such a nice,
quiet little girl.

Who have you been
hanging out with?

Miss Miller, please.

If you believe
in love... help me.

JOY:
For your information,

it's not that I'm afraid
to fall in love.

I'm waiting for the utz
in my stomach.

Meanwhile, you didn't mention
this dungeon was such a schlep.

( snoring )

Alek.

Katrina?
It's good to see you.

Shh.

Hey, hey, hey,
keep it down.

You've only got
five minutes.

Oh, God, you all right?

Yes. I miss you so much.

I miss you.

KLEIST:
She got them to strike.

Before she come,
they don't even know the word.

This teacher is
a loose cannon.

She's aimed straight
at your presidency.

You're overreacting.
I... No.

Here. You see
where it says, "A.P.?"

This is seen
by one billion people.

Overreaction
is not possible.

(Joy laughing in distance )

JOY: No way!
MASHA: Left foot, green.

You're making this
way too hard for me.

Joy Miller!
Hi!

Hello, Father.
Hello, Father.

What are you doing?
We are playing Twister.

Ah.

Now, I don't think
I'm overreacting when I read...

( laughter )

What's Masha wearing?

Oh, honey,
let's go show him.

You know,
we designed it ourselves

from the Ralph Lauren sheets
that I brought from the house.

Look at me.
I'm a big, beautiful woman.

Yeah, it's
control-top pantyhose.

It holds you in like
a stuffed sausage.

Well.

You look lovely, Masha.

( giggles )
( chuckles )

Now, about this business
at the factory...

Oh, you know what?
There's no need to apologize.

I know that
you were cranky

'cause you didn't
have your lunch.

You could be hypoglycemic.

You should carry
a piece of cheese with you.

What is this?
What?

Oh, that's just to keep him
from biting his nails.

Look how happy he is.

But he is the son
of the president, not a dog.

Oh, I know he's not a dog.

Here you go, sweetie.

Do I not intimidate you
at all?!

Is one of your sideburns
shorter than the other?

( low growl )
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm...

You said sideburns.
Sideburns are done now.

All right. No pressure.

Look, a lot of great men
had mustaches.

Hitler, Franco.
Einstein.

That's who you want
to look like?

What are you afraid of?

You don't have a harelip
under there, do you?

Who can even remember?

Well, you know,
it catches crumbs.

It does not.
Yeah, it does.

No, it doesn't.
When you eat Danish.

Really?
Uh...

Oh, who cares?
It is my image.

Exactly-- beast.

And you've got all
those important diplomats

coming to the summit, right?

You want to sell them.

Look-- that says
groomed, civilized.

You know, Sonny Bono
shaved off his mustache,

and now he's a congressman.

Well, but I... I've had
this mustache for...

20 years.

And that's exactly
how many years

I'm going
to knock off you, baby.

Would you just trust me?

My Aunt Marilyn
never looked better.

That a boy.

See? This isn't going
to hurt one bit.

( whimpering chuckle )

( sighs )

You know, that summit thing's
another huge mistake.

What do you mean?

Well, I just think
that it would be better

if you threw a party.

I mean, you know,
you catch more flies

with honey than you do vinegar.

Well, I don't
think it wise

to plead poverty
to foreign leaders,

then spend a fortune

entertaining
their dignitaries.

Oh, you don't have
to spend a fortune.

Forget sit-down;
you do the whole thing buffet,

out in the courtyard, alfresco.

And you know what?

You could skip
the open bar, too.

They're all on
expense accounts.

I'd say use a deejay,
but, you know,

live music can really
make an event.

Done.

Now your only problem
will be convincing them

that you're old enough
to run a country.

( low growl )
Hmm?

( chuckling ):
Is not bad.

I'll say.

( laughing )

Hmm.

Oh, who am I kidding?
What?

Well, shaving
and throwing a party

will not convince anyone
that I am... a civilized man.

Well, that's why
right after dessert,

you announce to everybody

that you're letting
Alexander Gurko go free.

What?

Yeah. Right there
in front of everybody.

Big surprise.
Never.

Oh, what do you care about
some 18-year-old pisher?

He's got the whole
world against you,

and he can't even shave yet.

But if you let him go,
if you're the bigger man,

then you won't just be
a president anymore,

you'll be a statesman.

That's interesting.

But will it work?

Sure. That's the extra oomph
that every party needs.

Or the first step
towards anarchy.

No, no. It's the first step
towards your realizing

that you don't have
to be a tyrant

to have people follow you.
I mean, look at you--

you're smart, you're
charming, you're sexy.

I'll do it...
and you will plan it!

Me?
Yes.

I want it done exactly
like they would in America.

But...
You will not rest
until it is finished.

No, but...
You will work
day and night.

But I... I'm not
a professional.

I mean, I don't cater.

You can do this.

You're smart, you're
charming, you're sexy.

You're on.

( sniffing )

Is all right.

Is the mustache--
changes my whole look.

You know,
I meet people now.

Hello.

Oh, excellent, beautiful.

You know what? If you want
to get a little bit creative,

you can get a hard-boiled egg,

take a couple of pieces
of olive here,

a little bit of radish,
you know, for the mouth,

and a carrot curl,
and look what you got:

Lucille Ball.

( imitates Ball ):
Eww!

( all laughing )

Good.

No, no. It's way too boxy.

You know,
shoulder pads are passé.

Oh. Oh, this is all you.

I am sorry, I cannot make
from head or tail this recipe.

What is the problem?
It's a simple chicken cutlet.

Oh, come on, I'll show you
how it's done,

but tomorrow night, I'm not
going to be able to...

What's that?
That's the chicken.

( clucking )
It's alive.

Of course it's alive.
You wanted fresh, no?

Not that fresh.
( groans )

You want for party,

then you must show me
how to prepare.

( whimpering cluck )

( clucking softly )

Here, chick, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick.

Here, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick, chick.

Know what? Everybody's
going to have to clear out.

I-I cannot work
with a million people

looking over my shoulder.
( clucking )

You know,
I could do this, mister.

I eat chicken all the time.

( loud cluck )

I mean, I'd be hypocritical
if I couldn't do this.

Hi.

What's that over there?

( clucks softly )

Hey, you know what?
I can't do this. You happy now?

I'm just going to have
to tell them that I... Aah!

Miss Miller?
Oh! What?

What are you doing?

Uh, it was, um...

I was trying to scare
the chicken to death.

( clucking )

But he obviously doesn't want
to die for his country.

Just being selfish.

( clucking )

( soft clucking )

( phone ringing )

( clucking )

Huh? Oh...

Oh... ( groans )

Hello?

Hello, sweetheart.

Oy, Ma. It's
the middle of the night.

I got a hundred people
coming tomorrow.

We've got good news.

You remember that European they
hired at Lotto to class it up?

Yeah.
Well, they fired her.

They don't want class,
they want you.

Me?!
So pack your things...

Wait a minute, Ma,
I can't go now.

What are you talking about?
This is your big opportunity.

Lotto. Big Spin.

Live at 5:00!

Sweetheart, before
you give this job up,

just what are you
giving it up for?

What is this?

I said, what is this?

Potpourri.

Our country is destitute,

but at least we go down
smelling like...

( inhales deeply )

...apple cinnamon.

( dish clatters )

You like?

Yves Saint Laurent.

Makes me more approachable.

Mr. President, you must do
something about this factory.

You get one strike,
you get two--

like bugs.
We must crush them.

Now, your signature, please,

and this decree will authorize
the troops to go in.

Give them what they want.
Please?

Overtime. Unions.

I have a decree of my own.

Already signed?

Joy Miller swears that
a happy worker works harder.

Interesting thought.

Make some banners--
"Happy Workers Work Harder."

Mr. President, I must speak.
This is a recipe for disaster.

Mr. Kleist...

...talk to the hand.

( wheezing laugh )

Isn't that cute? I love that.

Talk to the hand.

( laughing )

Talk to the hand.

( continues laughing )

( laughing )

Oh, no,
I can't believe

you told him
about letting the kid go.

Those go in the lanai.

I had to-- he made me
walk with him.

He's a very
intimidating walker.

Well, what did he say?
Nothing really.

Just that you should
back off

before something unfortunate
happens to you.

He threatened me?

I suppose so, if you want
to take it like that.

Oh, great, as if
I'm not tense enough.

Look, look,
look, look, look.

I look like my mother
when they took her off Fen-Phen.

I have idea--

why don't I order Ivan
to give you nice massage?

Oh, right, and when
you-know-who finds out

that I stopped
in the middle of everything

to use his
personal masseur, well...

Well, then I shall
just have to see

that you-know-who does
not find out about it.

Ira! Is that bravery peeping
through that schvitz?

Oh, please, please,
is just experiment.

Don't get used
to it, please.

Oh...

Good, good.

Yellow flowers! Very good!

Is this asparagus?

I love asparagus!

This way.

You are letting him go?

Is the right thing to do.
It will make me a statesman.

It will make you a corpse!
The masses are not famous

for nice treatment
of ex-leaders.

He's one prisoner.

It only takes... one.

Of course I trust
Mr. Grushinsky,

but if anyone
should find out...

Oh, no one's going
to find out.

Now let me
get undressed,

and you find
some music to play.

John Tesh puts me to sleep.

( tuneless humming )

( long, deep groan )

Is that you, Ivan?

( deep voice ):
Yeah.

Good. Let's get started.

Come on.

You can do better than that.

( groaning )

Harder.

Harder.

Mmm. Mmm.

Harder!

Now take off the towel.

Here, I will do it.

Now keep going.
It hurts all the way down.

( gasps )
What are you doing?

( deep voice ):
Uh, shiatsu.

Oh.

( contented moaning )

( moaning continues )

I-I-Ivan?

I-I-Ivan...

Look, I think my back is done.

( deep voice ):
No, no! Still too tense.

It's that woman.

You know who I mean.
Joy Miller.

Yeah.

I've never met anyone
quite like her.

She just has to walk
into the room, and I spasm.

I think it's that voice.

Who has a voice
like that?

( braying laughter )

( imitates Joy ):
So what if those windows

are 12th Century?

Can't we put screens on them?

Ow!

Sorry.

I like her.
Me, too.

Still, there's
something about her.

I don't know how
to describe it.

She gives me...

a feeling...

in my stomach.

Not bad, exactly.

More like...

Utz.

It's crazy, I know.

It's probably
just heartburn.

And yet, it's more.

( sighing )

You ever felt like this, Ivan?

( door closing )

Ivan?

( sighing )

( knocking )

Oh, come in.

So, what did I tell you?
Magic fingers.

Oh, not now, Ira.

The president,
he's got the utz for me,

and I'm turning down
Live At 5:00...

That's wonderful!

Of course, I don't
know what the hell
you are talking about,

but look what I have brought you
from His Excellency.

A present?
For you to wear at the ball.

Oh!

Oh...

And because you can't wear
formal without borrowing

a teensy-weensy bit
of crown jewel.

You don't like?

Oh, Ira, I love it.

It's the most beautiful,
sweet, thoughtful gift.

Then what's wrong?

I have to tell him.

No, bad idea.

I can't even look myself
in the mirror anymore.

Wait.

All "fix-ed."

No.

It's time.

Not bad, eh?

( chuckling )

Hello.

My God.

You better be careful.
A girl could get used to this.

You should. I'll just
keep having parties.

Something's wrong?

Uh, yeah,
but before I get into it,

let me just say this.

I-I really feel like
my work here is done.

I mean, the kids
are doing great,

I finally got you
into a pair of loafers,

and tonight's party
is just going to be

a drop-dead gorgeous affair.

What are you talking about?

I haven't been
totally honest with you.

I'm not a real teacher.

I just have a beauty license.

Beauty license?

I teach makeup and hair.

It's all I know.

I mean, at first
it was easy to pretend,

but then I started to fall
in love with... your kids,

and I got to know you
much better,

and, and now
it just seems wrong.

What kind of a man
do you take me for?

Well, I was hoping one that
could see the bigger picture.

You have the nerve
to come here

and tell me
you are not a teacher...

when you are the best teacher
I have ever known.

I am?
Yes.

The children blossom
before my eyes.

They're happy.
They're confident.

If that comes
from learning hair,

then tomorrow
I make new law--

all teachers
must have beauty license.

Oh, Mr. President, I...

I don't know what to say.

( chuckling ):
Oh, my God, call an ambulance!

She doesn't know
what to say.

Well, perhaps
I should take advantage

of this silence and...

ask for the evening's
first dance.

Oh, a slow dance?

You know, I've never
really been good

at that whole
Arthur Murray thing.

This is nice.

Is simple.
Just follow me.

And... one, two, three,
one, two, three,

one, two, three...

Gee, I feel kind of silly
without any music.

( romantic waltz playing )

There, you see?

You are a wonderful dancer.

Oh, I guess all I needed
was a great leader.

( both chuckle )

( waltz continues )

Hey, Yuri, look
how handsome you look.

Oh, sweetie, quit
tugging on your suit.

You can take it off
later, I promise.

( chuckling )

( no audio )

Sweetie,
what's the matter?

Why you moping
here in the corner?

You should be off
conning some adult

into giving you
a whiskey sour.

How am I supposed
to enjoy a party?

Oh, honey, let me tell you
three things.

Number one: you can never tell

when things are going
to start looking up.

Number two:
if you could,

you'd know it was going
to be right after dessert.

And number three:

after everything,
you don't want Mr. Right-ski

to see you with runny mascara,
now, do you, hmm?

Miss Miller!
I love you.

Oh, no.

Yuri! Yuri!

Guess he thought
the invite said casual.

I'll get him, I'll get him.

Yuri?

Yuri?

Miss Miller.
You dance lovely.

Thank you.

I see the party's even
put a smile on your face.

Oh, yes, I don't know when
I've been in such good mood.

In fact, you throw
such good party,

I think from now on,
this is just what you stick to.

Huh?

From now on,
you take orders from me,

and when I say jump,
you say, "How high?" Yes.

Or I go straight
to His Excellency,

and I tell him your
dirty little secret.

You think you're
so smart, don't you?

Well, I got a little
surprise for you, mister.

I already told him,
and he don't care.

So you can take
your threats

and your Miss Thing attitude
and just shove it up your--

He knows you sneaked Katrina
down to see Alek Gurko?

No, that he don't know.
How'd you find out?

Oh, please.
That's what I do.

Look, if you think that
you can blackmail me--

I know I can.

Oh, not for lying
about teaching.

But for treason...
life sentence in my country.

So, no more politics.

Do we have
an understanding?

Do we have
an understanding?

Yes.

Good.

Your first order--
smile, please. Party.

No, no, no,
this is not... natural.

Smile.

( up-tempo waltz plays )

Ladies and gentlemen...

now that we have all had
our dessert,

let me thank you for coming

and for allowing me to put right

certain misconceptions
you have all had about me

and my country.

I read your papers.

I know what you call me.

"Boris the Beast."

"Ego-Slavia."

( all laughing )

"Stalin without the charm."

But, perhaps now
you see that I am...

just a man

trying to be
a leader for my people

like all of you.

( whispering ):
It's true.

And the true test of a leader

is knowing when to demonstrate
what I like to call

that little extra oomph

to show you mean business.

And when not to.

So...

let us all build on tonight

and create a prosperous
new future for us all.

Welcome to my home.

( music resumes )

The evening is a complete
success thanks to you.

What happened? You left out
the extra "oomph."

That was the whole point.

But look around.

People are finally
getting to see

the real me,
and they like it.

For the first time,
they pay me respect

not because I free
some dissident,

but because
of who I am.

You can't believe them;
they're politicians.

KLEIST:
Miss Miller...

They're going
to walk out of here

and they're going to say,
"Nice party.

The man's an animal."

If you want their aid,
free the kid.

Miss Miller!
I don't care anymore.

Look, if you won't
do it for your country,

at least do it
for your daughter.

You should see them
when they're together.

It's the most
adorable...

You've seen them
together?

Well, actually, I've been
sneaking her down to see him.

In the dungeons?

That's where you
threw him, isn't it?

They are so much in love.

You would have to be
blind not to see...

Do you think this is
some kind of a game?

You move us around like
pieces on a chessboard

because you know better?

Papa, he's not a criminal.
You are.

( growling )
What are you doing?

You do not understand.

Oh, no?

You have the temper
of an eight-year-old.

Your own children
are scared to death of you.

And you hit girls.
Tell me when I'm getting warm.

This whole thing is
none of your business.

You know, you're right.

'Cause if you can't even see
that doing the right thing

even when you have
nothing to gain

is what makes you a mensch

and decent and civilized...

I can't have anything
to do with you.

The boy will remain
in prison.

This is not a game.

It is the way things are...

and the way things
will always be.

You know what?
Everyone is right about you.

You are a beast.

( bells toll )

Oh, Karl, I'll miss you.

I made a painting
for you.

Oh, how sweet.

I'll hang it
right in my...

attic.

It's the way I will
always think of you.

I'm so flattered,
really.

Oh, sweetie.

You remember what I told you?

"Big is beautiful.

"Boys will like me
for what I am:

BOTH:
A princess
with a great big dowry."

( snapping )

Oh, sweetie,
give it some time.

Why? You think
my father someday is

just going to decide
he'll let me see Alek?

No.

Give it some time--
in two years you'll be 18,

you can do whatever
the hell you want.

( Yuri speaking Slovetzian )

What did he say?

He said that he doesn't
remember our mother,

but he hopes that
she was just like you.

( sniffling ):
Oh, God.

Oh, come here, come here.

I'll miss you.

I love you kids.

Excuse me.

Oh...

Oh, Ira, I'm sorry.

For you.

How sweet.

Also, the balance
of your salary.

The president insisted
you be paid

for the remainder
of your tenure.

You know what?

You can tell him to
take that money and...

Wait a minute,
what am I saying?

He's rich, and I'm fired.
Give me that.

Oh, Ira, thank you
for everything.

( clucking )

( gates slam )
( gasps )

( sighs )

( engine starts )

Sweetheart, what happened?
Are you all right?

You're here.
What are you doing here?

What's this?
A chicken?

It's a long story.
Are you okay?

What can I tell ya?

Vaclav.

Good morning, Mr. President.

How's your cold?

All better. Thank you.

I don't think
the president mentioned

wanting to destroy
the strike.

Of course, I could've been
out of the room.

He's been like zombie
for weeks now.

Must the government
cease to operate?

Besides, I can't imagine
how he could find out.

Can you?

He'd have to be
incredibly intuitive.

Or else
walk in the door

at exactly
the right moment.

That would be another way.

Grushinsky,
I underestimate you.

Hmm...

So, I am
sending troops
into the factory

despite a 30% rise
in productivity.

How unlike me.

I was stunned,
quite frankly.

BORIS:
And these orders?

Export our grain?
Export our wheat?

Some must starve
so that others can eat!

Aah... no wonder
they call me dictator.

Apparently,
that's what I am.

Tell me, Grushinsky,

how long have I
been such a monster?

Oh, for weeks now,
Your Excellency.

Weeks?

You don't say.

After all these years, Leonid,

do you finally
think me stupid?

No.

I think you're worse.

A president who turns
his back on his people

for the sake
of a pretty face.

Watch your tongue,

or I really will
show you a monster.

It would be time!

It's like...

It's like she has
put a spell on you.

Turtlenecks
and-and Twister.

All the time, the country
goes without a leader.

You forged my name!

This woman would have you
destroy the country.

You must act, Mr. President.

An iron fist.

You are responsible
for the people, not to them.

BORIS:
That's where
you're wrong, Leonid.

You instill fear,

but you earn respect.

Oh, very good,
Mr. President.

You want to see me act?

Guards!

I'm placing Mr. Kleist
under arrest.

The charge is treason.

How was that for action?

I was riveted.

Take him away.

Mr. President, please.

I have known your family
all my life.

Your grandfather's rule
survived the Second World War.

Your father's rule
survived Communism.

Are you now to be brought down
by... a beautician?

Ma... I'm home.

JUDY:
How was work?

Oh, are you kidding?

What I did with the six hairs
on Mrs. D'Amato's head

Siegfried and Roy couldn't do
on their best day.

Happy birthday,
sweetheart.

Ma, how come you got
all dressed up...?

Oh, no. Don't tell me
you're planning
a party for me,

because I just cried
through one at work, Ma.

No, we're not having a party.

Happy birthday,
sweetheart.

Not having a party?

( kissing )

We wanted to get you
something you'd really use.

This is...

a membership
to Blockbuster Video.

They're opening a new one
right next to Eat-A-Pita.

( doorbell rings )

Ooh.
♪ Da-da-da, da-de-dum... ♪

Oh, this is the single
most depressing moment

of my entire life.

Oh... wait.

( Judy humming )

Lou.
Judy.

Look, Joy,
it's Uncle Lou.

Hi, Uncle Lou.

Happy birthday, honey.

Thank you.

Oh, you got some tan
on your trip.

No, actually,
I was in Eastern Europe.

Oh.

Uh, here, Jerry, remember--
a hard seat for me.

Ma, I hope you didn't do
what I think you did.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

( doorbell rings )
Ooh!

Oh, Doris!

Everybody, it's Cousin Doris!

Happy birthday,
gorgeous.

Thank you.
Tell me about your vacation.

Oh, I wasn't
on vacation.

I...
Did you bring back
wooden shoes?

No.

She didn't even bring back
wooden shoes.

Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you. How sweet.
Thank you so much.

Great to see you.

Who is that?

I have no idea.

Ma!

I met him yesterday
at Carvel.

You mean,
we don't even know him?

He's a body.

Joy, you want
an empty party?

( sighs )

And don't leave
the door open, Ma.

You want the chicken to get out?

Happy birthday, Joy.
Happy birthday, Joy.

All right, white meat
or dark meat?

LOU:
Jerry, please,
don't load them up...

Ma, where's my chicken?

( doorbell rings )

He's fine. You see--
I just fed him.

Ma... what's he eating?

Same as the rest of us.
You fed the chicken chicken?

I should make two dinners?
I don't have enough to do?

How could you?
Oh, he don't know any better.

Anyway, it's delicious.

It's "Silence of the Chickens."

He's here.

Who's here?

He made us promise
not to tell you.

He's come so far
just to see you.

He wants you back.

He told me that
letting you go

was the biggest
mistake of his life.

Oh, my God.

Joy Miller.

JUDY:
Remember Denny Kupperman?

Mmm. We used to
go steady in junior high.

I still remember that
senior show you wrote,

a musical of
Rosemary's Baby.

Ooh. I hummed,
and I screamed.

♪ I love you, Ro ♪

♪ Don't keep me waitin' ♪

♪ This embryo
belongs to Satan ♪

Oh, that was great.

Uh, sweetheart...

It was
a little flat.

Uh, honey...

Oh, sweetheart,
uh, we're low on ice.

DENNY:
I would've
brought ice.

Thank you, Daddy.
I love you.

Oh, I just...
I got to get some ice.

Just... I'll just
get it right now.

Oh, thank you.

( sniffling )

I couldn't stay away.

But before you make me leave,
let me tell you three things:

One, I've released
the boy, and...

I'm having free elections
in the spring.

Two...

I love you.

I can't live another day
without you.

And three...

One and two is plenty.