Original subtitles

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

The number of times I find a theory

that he said in gobblety-gook but it's true,

I think that, um,

I think he's been dealt

a bad hand in the brain department.

D'you know what I mean?

- Yeah. - Thoughts, Karl?

Well, your brain's in two bits, isn't it?

Yeah.

And I wonder if one half is really good,

the other half is messing it up.

- Yeah. - That's how I feel sometimes.

- It could be the case. - Well, it is split into two,

and they are responsible for different things.

- Yeah. - It's like these families

where there's a really bright kid and then a sort of wayward child

who just gets into drugs and stuff. Sort of like that up there.

- Yeah. - In your head.

'Cause you have quite sort of out-there nebulous thoughts

and you've got a lot of common sense, haven't you?

I'm just having that...

That other sense of, like, "This is dodgy."

What, spider-sense?

Just that sense where you just go,

"I don't know why, but something's telling me

we shouldn't be here."

And you go, "All right, let's go."

And you move from it.

- And you don't know what that is. - Yeah.

You don't know what's decided that.

You know, it's like when you're lost.

A part of me brain's got me lost but then there's another bit that

I don't know what it is, where they go, "Go left."

And you do and then you go...

Remember that time when you called me and I said I don't know where I am

- and I couldn't concentrate? - Think of that.

Think of that. I called him, I went,

"Karl, what are you doing?" He went, "I don't know where I am."

- What do you mean you didn't know where you were? - I got lost.

- What, in London you got lost? - Yeah yeah yeah.

I went wandering and then, you know.

It's when he first moved in to his new place.

He was walking back from his old place to his new place

and he didn't know where he was.

How can you ever really get lost in London though? Just ask a cabbie.

Um, well yeah, I don't wanna do that because

I feel bad pulling one over and then saying "Where am I?"

Yeah, they don't appreciate that, do they?

But I found me way back, didn't I?

But you told me one time that you... that you much prefer getting lost.

You love wandering around and getting lost. You said that's much better.

It was a cold day. It was a cold day. I just wanted to be at home.

I had things to do. There's a time and place to be lost.

- Go on. - Well, the place...

What's the place... what's the place to be lost?

- Somewhere you don't know. - Right, good. Okay, specific.

- And the time? - The time... when you're not in a rush.

But that time I was in a rush and it was cold.

So a typical argument in your head is what?

- I'm lost. - Um...

I'll do one side of the brain. You do the other side of the brain, okay?

In your head, okay?

- Karl? - What?

This isn't where we should be.

You wanted to go home, didn't you? This isn't your house.

'Cause it's a field.

You live in a house, don't you?

Why are we standing in a field? This isn't your house.

You're meant to go home but you've walked into a field.

No, but that wouldn't... I've never been that lost

where I'm walking across a field.

At the edge of the field I'd go "Hang on a minute, this isn't right."

I wouldn't get in the middle... I wouldn't go that far.

I'd go, "Right, I definitely shouldn't be here."

You did once. You were in the middle of a field

- and your dad had to rescue and carry you. - That's when I was a kid

because I was reading as I was walking.

And he never read again.

But there's another sense. I was in the middle of nettles there.

- Yeah. - I'd walked... it was at...

It was at me brother's wedding in Cornwall

and I was walking near a cliff edge.

- Reading a book? - Okay, so...

Karl, I know you're enjoying this book.

Can I have a word with you? Just look...

Just look past the book a minute. Just... there's a big drop.

Yeah, that's what happened and then that's when me other senses went,

"Hang on a minute, I'm being stung... a load of nettles and stuff."

I just had to wait there for ages until me dad sort of thought,

"Where's Karl?" I was there for about an hour and a half.

At least you had a book.

Fuck me like a cartoon.

But why are you wandering off reading a book when it's your brother's wedding?

No, this was like... we were in...

I think it was St. Ives. Is St. Ives in Cornwall?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I was in St. Ives.

And, uh, just, you know, it was a nice day and that.

There was no telly in the place.

It was a horrible house.

It was this old... It was haunted actually.

- No, honestly. - No, not honestly.

It wasn't haunted. There's no such thing as ghosts so those...

So you saying "Honestly it was haunted" means fuck all.

It's the most... It's the weirdest place

and weirdest sensation I've ever had.

I spoke to a woman called Mrs. Battersby.

Right. Who sat on me bed, keeping me up all night.

Me mum came up and she says, "You look shattered."

I said, "Yeah I haven't had a kip all night." She said, "Why?"

I said, "I've been talking to Mrs. Battersby."

She said, "Who's that?" I said, "I don't know. Some old woman."

Now I can't remember it now, but that's what I did then

- and then, uh... - Sorry sorry.

So Mrs. Battersby didn't exist? Is that what you're saying? She was the ghost?

- Yeah. - It wasn't the landlady?

No, there's no landlady. It's a big house.

- About... about 12 bedrooms in it. - Right.

They're dead cheap to stay there 'cause it was a wreck.

- Me mum and dad went out one night... - Were you ill?

- Did you have flu at the time? - No, I had nothing like that.

So you were sitting up but you were awake

and you were having a conversation with Mrs. Battersby?

What did she look like?

I can't remember. I can't even remember having the chat now,

but at the time I was like, "Oh, she just doesn't shut up."

- Chatting all night. - So you don't remember this happening.

- Or you do remember it happening? - No, I remember,

that like... if I see me mom now and I mention,

say... She'll go "Oh yeah, Mrs. Battersby."

She remembers coming in, because she was older than me, wasn't she?

- Who? - So to her... me mom.

How old was Mrs. Battersby? She was older than both of you.

She was old because I am calling her Mrs. Battersby.

If she was my age I'd probably say, "Oh, it's Susan" or whatever.

- Right, sure... Miss Battersby. - You call older people by their surname don't you?

- Anyway, so she came up one night. - How old were you?

Don't know. I'm thinking of pictures at the wedding.

Uh...

Why do you have to go through other things to just have a memory?

- How old do you reckon you were? - I don't understand

why you haven't got direct access to your memories.

- How old do you reckon you were? - Uh...

Your mom was older though, yeah?

You must have a vague idea of when this event was?

I'm thinking about it now. I'm thinking.

I'm picturing the picture of myself at this wedding.

- How tall were you? - How old were you? What were you doing?

I'd say I look about seven or eight

- looking at the picture. - Right, okay.

- Right, okay. - So Mrs. Battersby

is chatting away to you. You don't remember what she says,

- but you do remember having the conversation? - He doesn't remember at all.

- I don't remember the chat now. - Then why are you telling...

- You must remember it 'cause you're telling us about it. - It's not your memory!

It's a memory. Me mom's reminded me of it.

Yeah, but... Oh, this is so far removed.

This is hearsay that your mom said you spoke to a ghost once.

- You don't even remember the ghost. - Mrs. Battersby.

- But you don't remember her. - You only remember because your mom reminded you!

In a court of law... If there was a ghost court,

they'd go, "Hearsay. Thrown out of court."

- Right. - You don't have a memory of Mrs. Battersby.

No, look, I know that when I was a kid, I ate a beetle.

I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

- Now I can't remember that now. - You can't remember that

but you know it happened because your mother told you it happened.

- Exactly. - Right.

But the fundamental thing is that we can believe...

His memories... His memories are amazing.

We can believe you ate a beetle but because that

is something that could happen in real life.

What we're questioning is that you spoke to a ghost.

"I thought it was licorice"!

What sort of beetle was it?

Just one of them standard beetles,

just a little black shiny one.

Thing is, right, couple years ago we were in the Ivy

and the food came and there's a big blob of wasabi, right?

It was like a-a... called an oriental hors d'oeuvre, right?

And I looked over at Karl and he started going... ( Gasps ) Drinking water.

I said, "What?" He said, "I ate that."

I said, "That was a blob of wasabi."

He said, "I thought it was one mushy pea."

That's a classy restaurant if they're serving one mushy pea.

Well, they do that, don't they? Small portions.

- It's all trendy, innit? - I love the fact

that it's exactly the same thing...

They've swapped beetle for wasabi

and licorice for pea.

You see things... you see some...

it's a good job you remembered that anecdote because he doesn't.

Exactly, yeah. In years to come

he'll be going, "I ate some wasabi once." "Did ya?"

"According to Ricky I did. Yeah, I was in the Ivy

and I thought... I thought it were a mushy pea." "Ah."

So hang on, I just want to go back to Mrs. Battersby because you confidently said...

You confidently said there's this haunted place.

But you've got no real evidence for it because even...

You claim you had this encounter. You don't even remember it.

But you don't remember everything in life, do you?

You supposedly had a conversation with a ghost.

I know, but I didn't know. When I was younger I didn't think...

But you remember the specifics of an ant walking around.

Yeah, so you thought... Ah, so I see.

If you'd have had the memory it would just be a nice old lady

on the end of your bed all night, and then...

Then when I mentioned it me mom was saying,

"What do you mean Mrs. Battersby? Who's Mrs. Battersby?"

When you're a kid you're not terrified, are you?

- No. - Nothing scares you.

I'm beginning to think, "Who the fuck is Mrs. Battersby?" I admit.

So, yeah, that was... It was a weird place.

I mean there was no telly.

Um, all they had for sort of company was a calculator.

Karl, you are the strangest little man that's ever lived.

Company. "There goes Karl with his friend."

"What's his friend?" "Oh, it's a little... "

"It's a Sanyo 4197G."

I love that. That's amazing.

"Oh calculator, do that boobs thing again."

Memories. Just shots of him with his calculator on the beach.

"My only friend was a calculator."

Oh God.

Just imagine shots of him in Vietnam,

- his carrying toy. - When the batteries die,

he has a funeral for him.

"His batteries are all over the floor!"

Oh, fucking hell. The only company was a calculator.

Before I used to knock around with a brick.

Oh, fuck me.

- We have to face facts here. - Go on.

The world is old.

Hold on, all right, okay. The world is old.

That is a fact. That is a fact.

It's the same as if you've got a gran

who's 70,

there's not much you can do for her.

Yeah, you can say, "Are you warm?"

But at the end of the day, she still gonna be shitting her pants.

She's still gonna be, you know, forgetting things

and all the rest of it. And you might be taking care of her.

By the end of the day, the good days are gone.

- Right. - Yeah.

So in a way, like the world,

it's got to a point that it's old,

and, yeah, we can say "Turn the tap off. Turn lights off.

Close the windows. Stop letting heat out." Uh...

The earth metaphorically is shitting its pants.

We are not the same

as the first man that nature made.

No. No, we're not, no.

And that's where we went wrong.

And if we didn't interfere at that point,

we might have been more suited to the conditions now.

Auntie Nora... "I'm cold."

- She doesn't want double glazing. - Why not?

Just 'cause she's worried that when people

come around and sort of knock on the door,

she won't hear them because it's all sort of double glazed.

But they're knocking on the door.

They're ringing the bell.

No, she doesn't like a bell. It makes her jump too much.

How do they get in now?

It's a thin door and thin glass... You hear it.

It's not soundproof, like double glazing is.

What, so they have to knock?

They knock like that on the door.

And she can hear that because it's like a wooden door.

But why are they gonna double glaze the door? Is it a glass door?

No, they want to put that P.V.C. door in

- with the thicker glass. - So she's scared by...

You don't want a doorbell because that alarms her, but the knocking is fine?

The knocking is fine because you get to know knocks.

Why don't they have a bell that when you press it

it makes that noise?

Because they haven't done that yet.

You could do a sample of a... Like that,

so when they press the doorbell, she hears...

That's easy. That's done. You could sort that out for her.

I don't want to start getting dragged into it because...

Why don't you make auntie Nora a bell that knocks?

Well, it could be done, but the fact of the matter is it isn't,

and that's why she doesn't want double glazing.

But why don't you tell her? Say, "Auntie Nora, have double glazing.

Be warm. Be safe. Hear the knock."

"Hear the knock of the bell on the doubly door.

Auntie Nora, hear the knock of the bell on the doubly door."

She could fart until she's blue in the face, no one will be able to hear her.

No one will be able to smell it with the double glazing. It'd be tremendous.

This is it though, isn't it? She wouldn't be around now

if it wasn't for people interfering,

coming up with tablets,

making weak people live longer.

Right. You're annoyed at that? You're annoyed.

I love it. He's such a fascist, isn't he?

Auntie Nora... a weak person who has been allowed to live.

Eugenics is where you'd be happier.

But don't you see what I'm saying though?

The way the world... We've changed more than the world has.

We can't handle anything now, can we? Look at it.

Like I say, a bit of snow, a bit of cold, everything comes to a standstill.

"Oh, I can't go out, it's dangerous. You'll slip over."

- People having time off work. - Yeah, what would you do, right,

if you ran a business, right, your business could go under, right?

It snows a bit. You've got 10 employees.

You're paying them well, and they go, "I can't come in today, Karl, a bit icy."

I'll do... I'll do it, okay? They're snowed in, right?

- You're running the business. What are you running? - It's a... that's not...

I'm not gonna big myself up. It's just a... it's a factory.

You make bells that knock.

It's u-bends. U-bends... u-bends for...

Toilets. Okay, right, okay.

- It's a plumbing thing. - So you pay 'em all right, don't you?

I'd say most of them are above average.

So you're there. What time do you get in?

Um...

- About quarter to 9:00. - Quarter to 9:00, waiting for them to come in at 9:00, yeah?

- Yeah. - Okay, right, it's snowing.

It's a bit snowy. You got there. Took you a bit...

Well, you'd set off early, did you?

Gave myself a bit more time because I have to put the heat on in the car.

- Ring ring, ring ring. - Hello, uh... K.P. Plumbing.

Oh, is that... Is that Mr. Pilkington?

Yeah, he's here. Who's that?

Oh it's... it's Sheila. Um, listen.

Sheila, shouldn't you be here by now?

Yeah, no. Um, I was gonna set off...

Go set off now. Stop wasting time. We've got a big order on.

- No, I know... - We're all in a bonus here if we get this done.

- I'll see you in 10 minutes, shall I? - I can't make it.

- What? - I can't make it.

- Why not? - The car won't start and it's slippery on the drive.

- I just can't get out. - Get the transport.

I'll give you 20 minutes, all right?

Don't worry about it. Thanks for calling. See you in a bit.

I'm also scared of the ice. I'm scared of the ice.

I'm not gonna come this day. It's dangerous.

- So what are you gonna do? - I'm just gonna wait

until the ice and snow goes away and then I'll come in.

They're predicting it's gonna be about two weeks before they clear all this.

I can't really travel in this. It's a bit dangerous.

I'll tell you what, you stay at home. I'll replace you.

Because I need someone to come in. We've got a big order.

What, you're firing me because I can't get into work with this...

- I got into work, Sheila. - I know, but you don't live with me, do you?

If you did live with me, then you'd probably see...

It was bad where I was as well and I'm here.

Do you know how bad it is here? Why don't you come round

and have a look how bad it is here? You drive by.

You come round and drive my fucking car 'cause I'm snowed in,

you fucking calling me a cunt. And I'll tell you

if you fire me I'll take you to t tribunal, you bald-headed wanker.

Right, you're fired anyway for that.

You're in fucking trouble then.

Mm, right then. See you. Right.

I mean she's... she's done with. She's weak anyway.

- Ring ring, ring ring. - K.P. Plumbing.

Hi, is that, uh, Mr. Pilkington?

- Yeah, it is, yeah. - Hi, it's Bob here.

- Hi Bob. - Yeah, um, bit of trouble.

Out in my area, it's absolutely snowed in. It's impossible.

No one's getting out. I live near Sheila by the way.

Sheila's just been on. She's saying she can't get in either.

She can't. I've just seen her out there trying to dig her car out.

She's really really tried hard to get to work, but she can't do it

because she's not very rich and her car doesn't work.

She hasn't got the right tires

and there's no public transport.

They've canceled those. Wrong snow... this country.

I'm not gonna make in today. So I'll see you tomorrow, right, boy?

Well no, you're saying you'll see me tomorrow,

but you'll probably call up tomorrow with the same thing.

- Only if it's snowing still. It might not. - Now listen.

I can't run a business like this, Bob.

Yeah, it's not my fault, is it, really?

So go around to Sheila's and slag me off if you want. But I'll tell you what,

- I'm not slagging you off. - You're not coming back here. Fuck off.

One chance.

Give 'em one chance.

Well, you didn't even give him one chance.

No, because they've done it before.

Oh, fucking hell.

It just annoys me.

Oh, chimpanzee that... He's only gone and written it down.

The jingle there to announce

yet another reading from Karl Pilkington's diary.

"Me mom called me to ask me to look in some of the magazine shops"

in London for a magazine that she can't find.

It's called 'U.F.O. data.'

I said, 'I ain't heard of it.'

she said she's seen advert for it in one of her ghost magazines."

I love the fact that she can't even find the magazine

about unidentified flying objects.

Yeah yeah yeah. So we get...

She thinks, "I think I saw something,

but I can't tell whether it was a magazine or not."

So we get... we get a clue there as to why you...

You give any credence to this crap.

Yeah well, it's... you know, I mean...

Mama Pilkington's into the same shit?

A lot of space out there, isn't there?

"She said that this magazine has got a news story"

about how Aldrin

has got some evidence that aliens exist.

I told her that I found out today

that the days about 36 minutes longer on Mars.

"We chatted about how this is how they are more advanced than us."

- Do you mean the Martians? - Yeah, if they've got a longer day,

that's more time that they're awake, working on stuff.

Right yeah, we know that makes no difference at all.

- No, it does. - Think about it. Think about it.

Look think about it. 6:00 here,

people are going, "See you tomorrow. I'm going home."

They'll be going, "Oh another half hour."

They've got a longer day... productive.

And that's why they're able to fly...

That's why they're whizzing around.

- It adds up over the years. - Oh, Christ almighty. What drivel.

"Suzanne got in from work at 11:30."

I told her about the U.F.O.s in Mars.

She said she's too tired to chat.

I said, 'Does it mean aliens will be more tired than us

or do they get more sleep?' I got no answer."

I love it when Suzanne comes in. She never indulges you.

No, it scares her. Anything with ghosts and U.F.O.s,

- she sort of ignores it. - It doesn't scare her. It bores her.

No, it freaks her out.

It scares her.

Okay.

"Read about a pub that is getting some stick"

because they've stopped a horse going in.

It's been the horse's regular for ages,

but there's been some new owners who have taken over the pub

and they said they're serving fresh fruit

and don't want a horse in there anymore."

Oh God.

"I met Suzanne after she finished work

and we went for a brew in another cafe."

- Gosh, Jesus. - He's always having a brew in a caf.

- It's like a sitcom. - It is.

"Suzanne said I looked tired and fed up."

She taught me some way to breathe that will relax me.

I wasn't feeling that relaxed though because the person behind the counter

was banging about making a coffee. Noise stresses me out.

I wonder if less deaf people

die of stress than people with working ears do."

Oh it's the theories. It's the theories.

- It is such a noisy world though, isn't it? - London is noisy... very noisy.

I think just everywhere, just noise in general.

They were saying how like every noise

has been used

at least five times or something.

- What do you mean? - Because there's only so many noises

- in the world... - I don't know what you're talking about.

No, there's only so many noises.

What do you mean every noise has been used five times?

I don't know what that means. I don't know what it means.

- Because... - Every noise what?

Has been used at least five times.

There's only so many noises.

It's like a piano, there's only so many notes.

- And there's only so many noises. - Right?

But because there's so much stuff,

the same noises are being used again.

I don't know what that means.

By whom? Who's reusing the noise?

- By whatever. - So a woodpecker when it's woodpecking...

Yeah yeah. Some birds make noises

that would sound like a Ford Escort just because

there's only so many noises that people can use.

- What is he talking about? - Noises are a by-product.

Outside of an instrument, noises are a by-product.

They don't... a machine, they don't go,

"What should we make this noise make... this machine?"

It makes the noise it makes when it's doing something.

But why that noise? Why not pick another noise?

- They don't pick the noise! - Who's picking the noise?

A printing press makes the noise because it's the sound of the thing going down.

- Yeah, so the printing... - A hammer makes that noise

because that's what it does. No one's going, "Oh, can we make this me e a different noise?"

- "No. It's a by-product." - I know.

So there's only so many noises.

I don't know what you mean.

When Stephenson's rocket went...

They went, "Can you make it go...?"

It's what... That's the noise it made.

I know, but then say, like, a new frog comes out.

Oh, for... What do you mean a new frog comes out?

They find a new type of frog.

It makes a noise. And they'll go,

"Yeah, I knew it was gonna sound like that."

- What are you talking about? - Because there's only so many noises.

Nothing... no animal comes out and makes, like, a weird noise

and you go, "I've never heard that noise before."

They go, "Oh well, that sounds like a chicken."

Or "It sounds like a Ford Escort."

Or... there's only so many noises.

What frog sounds like a Ford Escort?

There can't be many because you've used Ford Escort twice as an analogy here.

So you're running out of noises.

You've come up with chicken and Escort so far.

- I can't explain it. - The problem is an Escort sounds like an Austin Allegro.

I know, yeah yeah. And a chicken...

You're ripping off the turkey, you cunt.

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