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For the past few yearsRicky Gervais,
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Stephen Merchant,and Karl Pilkington
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have been meeting regularly
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for a seriesof pointless conversations.
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This is one of them.
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- Testing.
- Is that all right?
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Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"
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with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
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- Hello.
- ...And t little round-headed buffoon
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that is Karl Pilkington.
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Hi.
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Karl, when was the last time
you reminisced?
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Well, my mom and dad have
been around, haven't they?
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- So been reminiscing a lot.
- Yeah yeah.
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- Um...
- What were you thinking about?
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We're just chatting
about tic tacs.
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One of the great memories, yeah.
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- Happy memories.
- Now, I used to love them
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when I was younger.
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- Me dad got a load of them.
- What, this year?
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No no, years ago.Years ago when I loved them.
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I said I loved tic tacs, me.
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- Yeah.
- He met one of his mates.
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- He didn't Nick them from the sweetshop?
- No no.
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No, he knew some mate who
could get his hand on a load.
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Right.
Thief... He was a thief.
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He must have got about
30 crates of tic tacs.
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30 crates of tic tacs?!
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Honestly.About 24 in each crate.
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We got them stuck in a cupboard
under the...
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Just in the kitchenin the corner.
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Yeah.
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Now I worked my waythrough about six crates.
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- I was quite happy.
- When... in how long?
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I don't know, in about two weeks,
three weeks, or something.
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And then after that,I'm getting sick of these.
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- Right.
- Yeah, you were minty fresh.
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Oh, lovely fresh breath.
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Yeah, but I haven't got that
much more to tell you about it.
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- It's just...
- I'm sorry. Whoa whoa whoa.
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Bear in mind, this was
something he was
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recently reminiscing with his parents about.
They were sat round
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and we've already learned up to
an hour could go by reminiscing.
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So for an hour talking
about the great tic tac saga.
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I've already
run out of responses.
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I've got nothing
to say about that.
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- No opinion, eh?
- I was nearly gonna say
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what'd you do with the empty
little flicky tic tac boxes,
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00:02:09,899 --> 00:02:12,567
then you realized that that's utterly
dull and boring and not very interesting.
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I was struggling.
I don't know what this anecdote is
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other than a bloke... other than you
said to your dad, "I like tic tacs, me."
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He went, "All right, I'll talk to Albert.
Albert, you got tic tacs?"
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"I've got 30 cratesif that'll do you."
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"Bring them around.Put them under the cupboard."
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"He's gone through 12 crates.""What's his breath like?"
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"Fucking lovely, but he's being
sick all over the cunting place."
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"Oh, do you want some more?""No, of course we fucking don't."
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"You'll talk about that in a few years' time.""Of course we will,
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for about a fucking hour.
Then we'll bring it up in an audiobook."
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That's... I think that's
how we got on to it.
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Because even though...
I tried to get rid of a load.
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I used to give them to mates,take them to school,
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say, "Have some tic tacs.You can have them for free."
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We used a loadin the cat litter tray.
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- No! No, you didn't.
- We did.
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- No, you didn't.
- It was just ways of getting rid of them.
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Jesus Christ!
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Sort of freshy... sort of
freshy smell, isn't it?
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- That's amazing.
- It's the same sort of condensity in that.
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Condensity?
It's the same condensity.
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- Similar condensity.
- Yeah, so I got rid of them like that.
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And then the weird thing was even
though I'd got shut of them all,
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um, you'd be vaccing up
and you'd always hear one
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tinging its way up the tube.
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It's tinging
its way up the tube.
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It's tinging its way up the tube
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it's tinging its way up the tube
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ting tong, ping pong
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it's tinging its way up the tube.
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That sounds like something
from "Willy Wonka."
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- Oh God.
- No, I'm just demonstrating that.
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Because that's how many there
were around the house.
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You'd drop them and they'dgo in every corner,
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like Pac-Man or something.They'd be everywhere.
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- You'd be vaccing up, tinging it up.
- Amazing.
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"Sheila's getting married.I'm gonna get some confetti."
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"Don't buy any confetti.Go to cupboard under stairs."
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So, um, so that's a little
memory there, isn't it?
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- It is a little memory.
- It's a really little memory.
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The strange tic tac house
in Salford
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where everything
is made of tic tacs.
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Wow, that must have been a helluva
time you had with your parents
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there in yourtic tac reminiscence.
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No, but it's better.
You see, you're saying,
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"Oh, what a boring
story that is"...
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"You've regraveled the drive."
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00:04:03,388 --> 00:04:04,888
"Yes, smell it.
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Suck... suck the driveif you want."
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- Fucking hell.
- No, but it's different.
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When me mom and dad are there
and they can remember that,
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they're going, "Oh yeah yeah,
the tic tac incident."
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- The tic tac...
- What's known as the tic tac incident.
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The tic tac incident.
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"Let us never speakof the tic tac incident."
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I just imagine the clock ticking.
It's Christmas day.
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"What are you smiling at?"
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"Oh, remember it usedto ting up the tube."
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You should think about
sending this to Hollywood.
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Listen, what do you
remember then?
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- What do I remember?
- What do you remember?
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That's an amazing thing to say.
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- That's a difficult question to answer.
- Nothing. Nothing at all.
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Karl, I know you like
to be kept abreast
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00:04:50,468 --> 00:04:52,502
of all the latest-breaking
science news.
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00:04:52,537 --> 00:04:55,338
Did you read recently
about the blind mice
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that they have been ableto make see again?
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And hopefully they're...
they're... whatever they did
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which allowed these miceto be able to see again,
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00:05:03,448 --> 00:05:05,682
they're hoping to be ableto do with humans
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00:05:05,717 --> 00:05:08,752
in maybe about 10 years' timeor at least begin tests.
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Extraordinary,
isn't it, to be able...
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I mean, to be able
to cure blindness
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would be a remarkable
achievement in science.
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It is, but it's just that thing how
they say they've done it on mice
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- and what have you.
- Yeah.
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If I was blind and I went infor the meeting...
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the doctor...and they said,
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"Do you wantyours doing?"
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00:05:25,571 --> 00:05:27,471
And then they said, like,
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"We've done it on mice."
That wouldn't be good enough for me.
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I'd say, "Look, when the blind fellow gets
in, don't say 'we've done it on mice.'
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just say,'we've done this on eyes.'"
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Because...
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"If he goes, 'What eyes?'Say, 'Just a pair of eyes.'"
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as soon as you say mouse's eyes,
it's like, well, it's not the same
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and it sort of... it would
make me go, "I'll leave it."
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Yeah, and then you wake up
and you can see,
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but you've got very tiny eyes.
"You've put in mice eyes!
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I'm scared of cats."
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It's just eyes.
I don't like havin' me eyes messed with.
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Even if I was blind,
I wouldn't like it.
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- Right.
- Uh...
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And I think that mine are
more active than most,
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- my eyes.
- What do you mean?
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Um...
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Well, I went for
a what's-her-name.
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Steve, you don't know.
I've had problems with me legs.
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Oh, Christ almighty.
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He's the same...
What are you, 33?
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- He's a hypochondriac.
- And you talk like you're a 70-year-old man.
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Honestly,
the slightest thing...
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He's got time off work
for this.
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Oh, he went to the dentist
three times in one week.
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He goes and has his legsrubbed two times a week
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- for some reason.- No, I don't, I don't.
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In and out of the kidney
hospital and they're going,
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"There's no kidney stone,Mr. Pilkington."
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He's going, "All right."
Christ almighty.
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Do some fucking work.
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No, the thing is I've been...
in the last, like,
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30-odd years I've been
working hard
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and I've let my body
get rundown a bit.
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How have you... you're 30...
what are you?
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30... 33.
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Right, 33. Sorry to start off
with such a hard question.
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But how have you been
working for 30 years?
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Well, I just have.
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- I've got on with it.
- At three, at three?
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- No, I'm just saying.
- You didn't get on with anything at school.
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- You were just pissing about.
- Yeah.
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You weren't working out there.
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What was the first job you got?
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- How old were you?
- Uh, I was 15.
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Right okay, so you've been working
for 15 years then, okay good.
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00:07:15,645 --> 00:07:18,747
But I had me paper route when I
was 10 and that was hard graft.
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That's why I'm bald and
that... getting up at half 4:00.
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It all adds up, doesn't it?
It all adds up.
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- So anyway...
- Mmm.
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I kicked my height
when I was a kid.
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00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:33,295
He always says this like it's a
classic story that everyone should know.
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00:07:33,330 --> 00:07:35,764
- Everyone knows, right.
- And also the phrase "kicking my height,"
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explain what you mean.
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00:07:37,834 --> 00:07:39,468
I just kicked my height
when I was...
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00:07:39,503 --> 00:07:40,870
Kick your...
No one understands, Karl.
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00:07:40,904 --> 00:07:43,372
You kicked your leg up to the
height you were at that time.
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00:07:43,407 --> 00:07:46,275
- Yeah. - "I kicked my height,"
it's not a well-known phrase.
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00:07:46,310 --> 00:07:47,810
You can't just go,
"I kicked my height."
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00:07:47,844 --> 00:07:49,345
So you were...
so you were 4 1/2'
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00:07:49,379 --> 00:07:52,314
and you've put your toe upinto the air 4 1/2' by kicking.
190
00:07:52,349 --> 00:07:54,416
Yeah, but I landed on me back.
191
00:07:54,451 --> 00:07:57,186
Right, okay. Imagine seeing
that in the playground.
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00:07:57,220 --> 00:07:59,522
They go, "Get Karl Pilkingtonto kick his height."
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00:07:59,556 --> 00:08:01,457
"I bet he falls overlike a fucking penguin."
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00:08:01,492 --> 00:08:03,460
It wasn't in the playground.Me dad got me to do it in the garden.
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00:08:03,494 --> 00:08:05,996
- Brilliant. They sell tickets.
- Why did you fall?
196
00:08:06,030 --> 00:08:07,798
The neighbors were cracking up.
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00:08:07,832 --> 00:08:10,701
Why did you fall over?
Did you hit yourself in the head?
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00:08:10,736 --> 00:08:13,371
I kicked me height.
I mean, me leg got high up,
199
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:15,039
but I was that chuffedthat I got that high
200
00:08:15,074 --> 00:08:16,808
I didn't think of puttingme leg down again.
201
00:08:16,842 --> 00:08:20,778
Everyone said, "Look, like, what
the fuck did that little bloke... "
202
00:08:20,813 --> 00:08:23,614
he's got to think it all through.I thought it was automatic.
203
00:08:23,648 --> 00:08:27,552
- It stayed there.
- You sort of stay balanced.
204
00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:31,022
- Christ almighty.
- "Oh, I'm loving this. This is brilliant.
205
00:08:31,057 --> 00:08:33,057
What should I do now?I've got me leg up.
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00:08:33,091 --> 00:08:34,893
I'll just keep it up.Whoa!"
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00:08:34,927 --> 00:08:37,262
"Like a Hitler salutewith his leg."
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00:08:37,296 --> 00:08:39,698
- What were you doing?
- So anyway, I landed on me back.
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00:08:39,732 --> 00:08:43,269
And, uh, and I did
some damage, I think.
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00:08:43,303 --> 00:08:46,572
- And it's because of that.
- Are you sure you didn't land on your head?
211
00:08:46,607 --> 00:08:49,910
And it's because of that, like all
them years and what have you,
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00:08:49,944 --> 00:08:52,313
- I've had like a trapped nerve in me leg.
- Right.
213
00:08:52,347 --> 00:08:55,182
So I thought, "Right, now's
the time to have it done,"
214
00:08:55,217 --> 00:08:58,419
because when you get older... I mean
it was the kidney stone thing.
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00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:01,289
Once you've seen... once you've
sort of looked at, you know,
216
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,491
death and what have you,
217
00:09:03,525 --> 00:09:06,294
it just makes you think, "Gotta
start looking after the body."
218
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:08,396
Do you think you could die
of the slightly bad leg
219
00:09:08,430 --> 00:09:11,798
that you've had for 15 years?
Think that'll eventually kill you?
220
00:09:11,833 --> 00:09:14,768
Well, it could do if I can't run
away from danger quick enough.
221
00:09:14,802 --> 00:09:16,770
Right.Again, you're thinking
222
00:09:16,804 --> 00:09:18,738
of "Jurassic Park" coming true.
223
00:09:18,773 --> 00:09:22,109
Whatever though. I'm just saying
you've gotta look after yourself.
224
00:09:22,143 --> 00:09:23,844
- You could always hop.
- If there's anyone listening
225
00:09:23,878 --> 00:09:25,212
- who's got a problem, get it sorted.
- I'll tell you what:
226
00:09:25,247 --> 00:09:27,482
If you have to fight off dangerand you kick them,
227
00:09:27,516 --> 00:09:29,517
put the leg back downimmediately after.
228
00:09:29,552 --> 00:09:32,821
So anyway, so I went to see this fella...
229
00:09:32,855 --> 00:09:35,191
to a professional leg rubber.
230
00:09:35,225 --> 00:09:37,293
- A professional leg rubber?
- Yeah.
231
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,595
And he's...
he sort of said
232
00:09:39,629 --> 00:09:42,698
a few things that were
quite interesting.
233
00:09:42,732 --> 00:09:44,666
Remember that time
when we had the chat
234
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:46,434
on the last lot
of, like, podcasts?
235
00:09:46,468 --> 00:09:48,970
I said, "Am I
in charge of me brain?
236
00:09:49,004 --> 00:09:51,205
Or is me brain
in charge of me?"
237
00:09:51,239 --> 00:09:54,208
Yes, you remember what I said?
That's the most stupid thing you've ever said.
238
00:09:54,242 --> 00:09:55,509
Yeah well, listen to this then.
239
00:09:55,543 --> 00:09:57,077
So I go and see this leg rubber.
240
00:09:57,112 --> 00:09:58,745
Professional leg rubber, yeah.
241
00:09:58,780 --> 00:10:00,681
Right, and he is professional.
242
00:10:00,715 --> 00:10:04,284
Remember, a leg rubber. You haven't said
doctor at any point in this conversation.
243
00:10:04,319 --> 00:10:07,121
- He's a leg rubber.
- So however profound this is,
244
00:10:07,155 --> 00:10:10,157
it came from a man who is self-confessed
professionally leg rubbing.
245
00:10:10,191 --> 00:10:12,627
- Not just legs.
- Did he do left and right?
246
00:10:12,661 --> 00:10:14,696
Back rubbing as well.He does it all.
247
00:10:14,730 --> 00:10:17,666
- Professional rubber. - So I'm in there,
and I didn't mention about how I thought
248
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,635
me brain was you know, was
in charge of me and stuff.
249
00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:24,205
Uh, I'm lying there. He's bending
me about and what have you.
250
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,074
The first problemhe came across
251
00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:29,044
is that me nerves aren't
long enough for me body.
252
00:10:29,079 --> 00:10:31,481
Me nerves aren't long
enough for your body?
253
00:10:31,515 --> 00:10:34,717
He was lifting me legs up, and I was going,
"Right, whoa, stop that a minute.
254
00:10:34,752 --> 00:10:36,886
That's hurting, that.""What do you mean?
255
00:10:36,921 --> 00:10:39,188
I've only got them like...like just about... "
256
00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:42,725
- that's your tendons. - No no,
but your nerves are in your legs as well.
257
00:10:42,759 --> 00:10:45,394
And your tendons don't hurt.
It's your nerves that kick in.
258
00:10:45,428 --> 00:10:47,128
It's your nerves that make
you go, "that hurts."
259
00:10:47,163 --> 00:10:49,764
But they hurt because your
tendons are being overstretched.
260
00:10:49,798 --> 00:10:51,265
I'm just telling you
what he said.
261
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,502
So he lifted the leg up and I
went "right, stop doing that."
262
00:10:54,536 --> 00:10:56,503
Was this above a launderette, this surgery?
263
00:10:56,538 --> 00:10:58,840
No, it's a proper place.He had like towels and all that.
264
00:10:58,874 --> 00:11:00,909
- Oh, he's got towels.
- Oh okay, yeah.
265
00:11:00,943 --> 00:11:02,611
- So, um...
- Definitely a launderette.
266
00:11:02,645 --> 00:11:05,547
- ...So I'm lying there...
- Other people's towels.
267
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,650
He's got towels,underpants, bras.
268
00:11:07,685 --> 00:11:10,487
Halfway through he said, "you haven't
got 20p, have you, for the dryer?"
269
00:11:10,521 --> 00:11:12,856
So I'm lying thereand he lifts the leg up,
270
00:11:12,891 --> 00:11:14,558
and I'm like"oh, that hurts a lot."
271
00:11:14,592 --> 00:11:17,762
So he said, "oh yeah, short nerves.""What do you mean?"
272
00:11:17,796 --> 00:11:19,730
He said,"Your outside of the body
273
00:11:19,764 --> 00:11:21,365
is longerthan your insides."
274
00:11:21,399 --> 00:11:24,034
He doesn't sound like a doctor.
He does not.
275
00:11:24,068 --> 00:11:27,471
The outside of your body
is longer than the inside.
276
00:11:27,505 --> 00:11:30,440
So he had me lying on me front
277
00:11:30,474 --> 00:11:32,776
and he was sort ofcrushing me back.
278
00:11:32,810 --> 00:11:35,278
And he was going, "Does that hurt?"I said, "Yeah."
279
00:11:35,313 --> 00:11:36,980
It was like 48 quid,
this, as well.
280
00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:39,149
Put me through all this
pain and what have you.
281
00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:40,684
You got some
good advice though.
282
00:11:40,718 --> 00:11:42,519
He said, "You're pretty stressed."
And I said, "Yeah,
283
00:11:42,554 --> 00:11:44,655
I have quite a bitof stress in me life."
284
00:11:44,689 --> 00:11:47,792
I explained to him about
the kidney stones and that. So...
285
00:11:47,826 --> 00:11:50,429
He went"Oh, shut the fuck up."
286
00:11:50,463 --> 00:11:54,033
He said, "That's why you probably
got a lot of tenseness."
287
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:56,069
A lot of tenseness?
Is that the phrase he used
288
00:11:56,103 --> 00:11:58,071
as a trained
professional rubber?
289
00:11:58,105 --> 00:12:00,073
He's a doctor.
He's definitely a doctor.
290
00:12:00,107 --> 00:12:02,175
So anyway, he said,
"Do you relax much?"
291
00:12:02,209 --> 00:12:04,043
"You haven't gotany Lenor, have you?
292
00:12:04,078 --> 00:12:06,679
I want these sheetsto come out nice and soft."
293
00:12:06,714 --> 00:12:10,215
He said, "You should learnto meditate or something
294
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:13,151
because you know,you're all tensed up.
295
00:12:13,186 --> 00:12:15,620
We're living in a stressful world."I said, "Tell me about it."
296
00:12:15,655 --> 00:12:18,256
So when I was telling him that
I have problems relaxing,
297
00:12:18,290 --> 00:12:21,793
he said, "Oh, you're obviouslythe sort of person... "
298
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:26,231
"... who's colorful enough
to spend 46 quid for this hokum."
299
00:12:26,265 --> 00:12:28,533
He said, "You're the sort of person
300
00:12:28,568 --> 00:12:31,637
whose brain isin charge of them,
301
00:12:31,671 --> 00:12:33,839
rather than them beingin charge of the brain."
302
00:12:33,873 --> 00:12:36,908
So all you did was you met
a person as stupid as you.
303
00:12:36,942 --> 00:12:40,278
No, but I thought it's interesting that
this is what he does for a living,
304
00:12:40,312 --> 00:12:44,481
and he picked up... that was the first visit.
I'd only been there about 22 minutes.
305
00:12:44,516 --> 00:12:46,617
You get half an hour
for 48 quid.
306
00:12:46,651 --> 00:12:49,920
But he picked up on that
within, like, 15 minutes.
307
00:12:49,954 --> 00:12:52,155
No, he saw a right
fucking sucker coming.
308
00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:54,558
No, he did pick up on that, yeah.
Don't go to him again.
309
00:12:54,592 --> 00:12:56,192
The reason...
Oh well, I am doing it.
310
00:12:56,227 --> 00:12:58,561
I've got locked into it.
I've gotta go at least another three times.
311
00:12:58,595 --> 00:13:00,296
- Why?
- I tried to get out of it.
312
00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:03,199
I didn't realize that you have
a minimum amount of things.
313
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:06,470
I can't wait. What's the wisdom
he's gonna come up with next week?
314
00:13:06,505 --> 00:13:08,673
That'll be brilliant.
I will kind of, yeah.
315
00:13:08,708 --> 00:13:10,809
- No, but what I'm saying is...
- "Your blood's paranoid.
316
00:13:10,843 --> 00:13:13,378
You've got jealous bones.You're the sort of person
317
00:13:13,412 --> 00:13:15,180
whose stomach'shungrier than you."
318
00:13:15,214 --> 00:13:18,517
What absolute fucking nonsense.
319
00:13:18,551 --> 00:13:21,687
Do you know, like, how we were
talking about eyes, weren't we?
320
00:13:21,721 --> 00:13:24,056
He said, he said,
"The thing is, you know,
321
00:13:24,090 --> 00:13:25,957
you've gotta be able to relax,
322
00:13:25,992 --> 00:13:28,527
and the way to do itis to focus."
323
00:13:28,561 --> 00:13:31,030
I said "What do you mean?""When you go to sleep... "
324
00:13:31,064 --> 00:13:34,066
"You're the sort of person whose
eyes can see further than you can."
325
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:35,534
He said,"When you go to sleep... "
326
00:13:35,569 --> 00:13:37,503
"Close your eyes... "
327
00:13:37,538 --> 00:13:40,173
"... Instead of just leaving them
open staring at the ceiling."
328
00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:42,343
"But, Karl,keep breathing."
329
00:13:42,377 --> 00:13:44,612
Yeah, "Keep breathing. Close your eyes.
You're not dead.
330
00:13:44,646 --> 00:13:47,248
It may seem like it, but you're not.
You're just asleep."
331
00:13:47,282 --> 00:13:49,684
- So he said, uh...
- Oh, fuck me.
332
00:13:49,718 --> 00:13:52,287
... He said "What you've gotta
do when you go to sleep,
333
00:13:52,322 --> 00:13:54,556
focus on your toe, right?"
334
00:13:54,591 --> 00:13:56,892
Okay.
335
00:13:56,927 --> 00:13:59,528
He said, "And just thinkabout nothing else."
336
00:13:59,563 --> 00:14:04,466
I still think he's a witch.
Did he say to put a toad under the bed?
337
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:07,868
No, he just said, "Focus on the toe and
see how you go on and what have you.
338
00:14:07,903 --> 00:14:09,770
Next time you come in,
let me know."
339
00:14:09,804 --> 00:14:11,771
Anyway, I gave this a go,
focusing on the toe.
340
00:14:11,806 --> 00:14:14,941
So what does this mean?
You mean you sat in bed staring at your toes?
341
00:14:14,975 --> 00:14:17,610
"No this is it. He said like lie
down, shut your eyes and..."
342
00:14:17,644 --> 00:14:20,980
- Visualize.
- "... And sort of look at it," sort of thing.
343
00:14:21,014 --> 00:14:24,517
So I was lying there.
It just wasn't working because...
344
00:14:24,552 --> 00:14:27,020
Oh, Karl, this isn't medicine!
345
00:14:27,055 --> 00:14:30,290
- Because even though...
- You were thinking of a finger?
346
00:14:30,324 --> 00:14:33,126
He found out he was thinking
of someone else's toe.
347
00:14:33,161 --> 00:14:36,130
Next day someone called up and
said,< "Karl, my toe's better."
348
00:14:36,164 --> 00:14:39,533
No, the problem was, I was still using
me eyes even though I had them shut.
349
00:14:48,277 --> 00:14:51,113
Oh God, oh God,
just when I think
350
00:14:51,147 --> 00:14:53,849
he could never come up
with something that stupid,
351
00:14:53,883 --> 00:14:55,518
he pulls that one
out of the bag.
352
00:14:55,552 --> 00:14:57,786
- Right. So what does that mean?
- Oh God!
353
00:14:57,821 --> 00:15:01,456
You were using your eyes even though
they were shut? What does that mean?
354
00:15:01,490 --> 00:15:03,225
I was straining them.
355
00:15:03,259 --> 00:15:06,629
I had them shut, but I was sort
of looking down at my foot.
356
00:15:06,663 --> 00:15:09,865
You were trying to see through
your eyelids at your toe?
357
00:15:09,899 --> 00:15:13,134
I was looking down at something,
and that's where the foot is.
358
00:15:13,169 --> 00:15:15,370
Because of that,I was straining them.
359
00:15:15,404 --> 00:15:17,471
They were stinging.
So I had to pack it in.
360
00:15:17,506 --> 00:15:20,008
I'm gonna die.
I am going to die.
361
00:15:22,011 --> 00:15:25,381
Why... out of interest though,
and this will sound naive...
362
00:15:25,416 --> 00:15:28,819
Why don't we remember the very
early moments of our lives?
363
00:15:28,853 --> 00:15:31,788
Why is it? Is it... is it because
it would be too harrowing
364
00:15:31,823 --> 00:15:34,524
to remember the point at which
we, uh, were sort of born?
365
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:37,428
I don't really remember anything
from those first few years.
366
00:15:37,462 --> 00:15:40,197
Why is it? Is it because the
brain's not fully formed?
367
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:42,566
- I don't know.
- The memory is not sufficiently developed?
368
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,267
It's gotta be trauma, isn't it?
369
00:15:44,302 --> 00:15:47,136
It's the things... Again we were
talking about me being younger
370
00:15:47,171 --> 00:15:50,639
and the youngest I could
remember back to was 1978.
371
00:15:50,674 --> 00:15:53,108
How old were you then?
372
00:15:53,142 --> 00:15:55,277
- Uh...
- When were you born?
373
00:15:55,311 --> 00:15:59,848
- '72.
- You couldn't remember earlier than six?
374
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:04,953
You can remember back to about
two or three, most people.
375
00:16:04,988 --> 00:16:07,089
No.No way, no way.
376
00:16:07,124 --> 00:16:09,358
Me mom and dad don't even
remember me then.
377
00:16:11,829 --> 00:16:14,899
Because you're not doing anything.
This is what I'm saying.
378
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,568
My mom and dad
don't even remember me then.
379
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,070
That's amazing.
380
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,105
Because they... they...
they pinpoint things...
381
00:16:21,139 --> 00:16:23,307
They remember all the tic
tacs they've ever eaten.
382
00:16:23,341 --> 00:16:25,910
"Do you remember when Karl was six.""Of course I do."
383
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:28,713
"Five?" "Yeah.""Four?" "Yeah."
384
00:16:28,747 --> 00:16:31,382
"Three?" "No.""Two?" "No!"
385
00:16:31,416 --> 00:16:33,818
Because you're not doing
anything, are you?
386
00:16:33,852 --> 00:16:36,121
Me mom and dad don't
even remember me then.
387
00:16:36,155 --> 00:16:38,990
- So... and it's weird...
- I remember I must have been about two,
388
00:16:39,025 --> 00:16:40,759
sitting on a potty
surrounded by LEGO.
389
00:16:40,794 --> 00:16:44,997
I remember that. Very strong
image I have of that.
390
00:16:45,032 --> 00:16:46,966
No, I don't remember that.
391
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,168
You wouldn't remember that, would you?
No, you weren't there.
392
00:16:49,203 --> 00:16:52,305
What do you mean? You don't remember Steve
sitting on the potty surrounded by LEGO?
393
00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:55,508
No, I mean, I can't remember having a potty.
I remember having one...
394
00:16:55,543 --> 00:16:57,211
I'm not suggesting
you'd have the same memory.
395
00:16:57,245 --> 00:16:59,379
No, you used to go in a fucking litter tray.
Now I know why...
396
00:16:59,414 --> 00:17:01,447
To eat a tic tacwhile you're having a shit.
397
00:17:01,482 --> 00:17:03,516
Okay, so what is your
very first memory?
398
00:17:03,550 --> 00:17:05,751
The one that cropped up
the other day
399
00:17:05,785 --> 00:17:08,753
was having me eyes sort
of glued together by, um...
400
00:17:08,788 --> 00:17:10,455
Gangsters?
401
00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:12,224
"Where's the fucking tic tacs?
402
00:17:12,258 --> 00:17:15,827
- We lost a whole truckful."
- No, when I was on holiday
403
00:17:15,861 --> 00:17:17,729
and I slept near the windowand the window was open,
404
00:17:17,763 --> 00:17:19,530
I used to wake up in themorning with me eyes shut.
405
00:17:19,565 --> 00:17:21,833
Me mom and dad thought I was
having a lovely lie in.
406
00:17:21,867 --> 00:17:23,201
I just couldn't open me eyes.
407
00:17:25,805 --> 00:17:28,540
Why were they glued?
What do you mean they were glued?
408
00:17:28,574 --> 00:17:30,808
Wait wait, but why didn't
you say "Mom, dad,
409
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:34,512
I'm not asleep. My eyes
are glued together?"
410
00:17:34,546 --> 00:17:37,648
It's just that you get a
buildup on the eyelashes.
411
00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:39,884
Yeah yeah, when they came in
412
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:42,019
and you could sense them
looking at you...
413
00:17:42,054 --> 00:17:44,054
I don't know they were there.
414
00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:50,327
I went to what's-her-name?
Harley street.
415
00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:53,262
I went for a checkup
416
00:17:53,297 --> 00:17:55,297
and, like, a medical.
417
00:17:55,332 --> 00:17:57,399
Posh... you know Harley Street.
It's, like,
418
00:17:57,434 --> 00:17:59,735
it's the top doctors and that.
I've never been before.
419
00:17:59,769 --> 00:18:03,273
All posh buildings and that.I went up to the counter.
420
00:18:03,307 --> 00:18:06,943
I said, "Here to see the doctor."
They said, "Name? Yeah right.
421
00:18:06,978 --> 00:18:09,246
Give us 10 minutes. Go and
wait in the waiting room."
422
00:18:09,281 --> 00:18:11,749
Dead posh waiting room.Dead fancy.
423
00:18:11,783 --> 00:18:13,785
Big leather furniture and that.
424
00:18:13,819 --> 00:18:15,520
Loads of magazines.
425
00:18:15,554 --> 00:18:18,790
I mean like a newsagent's
426
00:18:18,824 --> 00:18:21,359
in the middle of the room
on the table, loads of 'em.
427
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,394
So I'm looking throughand there's, you know,
428
00:18:23,428 --> 00:18:25,830
there's the top-quality
ones, your "Esquire,"
429
00:18:25,864 --> 00:18:27,765
you know, "GQ"... classy...
430
00:18:27,799 --> 00:18:31,268
"Yacht Weekly," all that..."Country Life,"
431
00:18:31,302 --> 00:18:33,903
uh, "Boyz."
432
00:18:33,937 --> 00:18:36,939
- "Boyz"?
- There's one there, yeah... "Boyz."
433
00:18:36,974 --> 00:18:40,042
What's that? I lifted up,
like, the one on top of it
434
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,478
and it's like "Boyz"with a zed.
435
00:18:42,513 --> 00:18:45,648
Two fellows stood therelooking, uh...
436
00:18:45,682 --> 00:18:47,016
sort of Italian-looking.
437
00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:49,285
- Uh-huh yeah.
- Right.
438
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,754
Uh, dungarees on.
439
00:18:50,788 --> 00:18:53,023
- No shirt then?
- No shirt, just dungarees,
440
00:18:53,057 --> 00:18:54,925
sort of unbuttoned,hanging down a bit.
441
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:58,195
No one else is about. I'm never
gonna buy a magazine like that.
442
00:18:58,229 --> 00:19:02,399
I can't believe you're gonna
tell us you looked
443
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:03,633
through a gay magazine?
444
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,901
I had a little...
little look just because
445
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,370
I thought, you know,
like I say, it's one chance.
446
00:19:08,405 --> 00:19:10,339
You're always looking
to learn, aren't you?
447
00:19:10,373 --> 00:19:12,541
I open it. There might have
been something in there
448
00:19:12,576 --> 00:19:15,445
that I go, "I get it now.
I understand why they like doing that."
449
00:19:15,479 --> 00:19:17,814
So she said I was gonna...
you know, 10-minute wait.
450
00:19:17,848 --> 00:19:19,648
I can have a quickflick through.
451
00:19:19,683 --> 00:19:22,084
Picked it up, had a look.
452
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,520
Um, still none the wiser.
453
00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:27,423
- Why?
- What did you see when you opened it up?
454
00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:29,659
Um, just loads of, uh...
455
00:19:29,693 --> 00:19:32,429
I mean, like I've said to you
before about I don't know why
456
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,498
they like looking at knobs when
they've got one of their own.
457
00:19:38,068 --> 00:19:39,803
- Right right.
- There's no surprises there.
458
00:19:39,837 --> 00:19:41,737
- You're not gonna go, "Oh, all right."
- Sure, yeah.
459
00:19:41,772 --> 00:19:44,241
Some had likecar oil on the face,
460
00:19:44,275 --> 00:19:46,076
uh, knob out.
461
00:19:46,111 --> 00:19:48,579
There was someone saton a... like, uh,
462
00:19:48,613 --> 00:19:50,548
one of themsquare things of hay.
463
00:19:50,582 --> 00:19:53,552
- Oh yeah, a bale.
- Sat there like sort of sat on it straddling it.
464
00:19:53,586 --> 00:19:56,221
- Yeah, that must have been uncomfortable.
- Again, knob out?
465
00:19:56,256 --> 00:19:58,057
Yeah yeah, just looking... just
looking like it's normal.
466
00:19:58,091 --> 00:20:00,559
That's crazy. No farmer
walks around like that.
467
00:20:00,593 --> 00:20:02,194
What's the other one?There was, uh...
468
00:20:02,228 --> 00:20:04,496
You know, a motorbike.They always like them.
469
00:20:04,530 --> 00:20:06,764
I'm going through
and then the content
470
00:20:06,799 --> 00:20:09,200
is all puns.
471
00:20:09,234 --> 00:20:13,236
- Right.
- It all... everything was to do with knob.
472
00:20:13,271 --> 00:20:15,905
- Right.
- That's the only bit they're interested in
473
00:20:15,940 --> 00:20:18,374
- on the male body.
- "Look at this bloke
474
00:20:18,409 --> 00:20:20,409
straddling this hugethrobbing thing.
475
00:20:20,443 --> 00:20:22,145
The bike's not bad, either."
476
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,679
Yeah, all that.
Loads of them.
477
00:20:23,713 --> 00:20:26,916
It was just...
478
00:20:26,950 --> 00:20:29,285
Just all... just cock.
479
00:20:29,319 --> 00:20:31,921
Just 100% like... let's just
talk about the knob.
480
00:20:31,956 --> 00:20:36,092
- That's a good name for a gay magazine...
- "100% Cock."
481
00:20:36,126 --> 00:20:39,062
Did it not at any moment sort
of maybe slightly unnerve you
482
00:20:39,096 --> 00:20:41,230
that you might...
the doctor might come in
483
00:20:41,264 --> 00:20:43,666
and see you reading "Boyz"?
484
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,834
- No, 'cause I wasn't...
- Or what if I walked through?
485
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,804
'Cause I remember once when you were
in hospital, about to have a tube
486
00:20:48,838 --> 00:20:51,506
going down your knob and you were
sitting in your pants with stockings on
487
00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:53,208
and I walked through
and you were horrified.
488
00:20:53,242 --> 00:20:56,210
So what if I had walked in then and
went, "Karl, what are you doing?"
489
00:20:56,245 --> 00:20:57,745
I would just said,
"Look at this.
490
00:20:57,780 --> 00:20:59,480
Look at this. It's free."
491
00:20:59,515 --> 00:21:01,449
And I would've said, "Why did
you bring that with you?"
492
00:21:01,484 --> 00:21:04,086
No, I would've just said, "Look, does
it look like I brought it with me?"
493
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,522
Yes, yes it does because I've
never... I would never see...
494
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:09,359
You would never see a gay magazine
in a doctor's waiting room
495
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:12,395
so I think you bought that and
then pretended that it was there.
496
00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:14,431
That's the thing.
That's... I was amazed by that.
497
00:21:14,466 --> 00:21:17,835
'Cause there was no... like, you know,
there was no "Mayfair" or anything.
498
00:21:17,869 --> 00:21:21,539
They just catered for like if you
wanted a bit of knob action.
499
00:21:21,573 --> 00:21:24,275
It was really... I mean, really
I could have complained.
500
00:21:24,309 --> 00:21:26,944
"If you are gonna have this,
where's a bit of the other?
501
00:21:26,979 --> 00:21:29,381
You have a bit of this.
Where's a bit of the other?"
502
00:21:29,415 --> 00:21:31,883
Another one of the things
that they had and I thought
503
00:21:31,918 --> 00:21:37,789
they're really struggling with ideas.
They had a suckcocko.
504
00:21:37,823 --> 00:21:39,558
- As in sudoku?
- Yeah.
505
00:21:39,592 --> 00:21:42,494
- "Suckcocko."
- Surely sudicko is better.
506
00:21:42,528 --> 00:21:44,496
No, 'cause it was
like suck-cocko.
507
00:21:44,531 --> 00:21:46,699
- Yeah, but it's dick as well.
- Suckdicko?
508
00:21:46,733 --> 00:21:49,536
- Yeah.
- What, and it was still a sudoku-style puzzle
509
00:21:49,570 --> 00:21:51,405
- but it just had that name?
- Yeah yeah.
510
00:21:51,439 --> 00:21:55,109
- It was everything.
- It was just sudoku, but called suckcocko?
511
00:21:55,143 --> 00:21:57,645
That's amazing.
512
00:21:57,679 --> 00:21:59,380
That is amazing.
513
00:21:59,414 --> 00:22:01,348
Now if I was gay,
do you know, like...
514
00:22:01,383 --> 00:22:03,617
"Let's have a game of lubo."
515
00:22:04,986 --> 00:22:06,786
"Let's have a game of knobopoly."
516
00:22:06,820 --> 00:22:08,221
"Knob-bration."
517
00:22:08,255 --> 00:22:11,490
Knob-bration.
518
00:22:13,626 --> 00:22:15,460
Let's have a game of chess...
519
00:22:15,495 --> 00:22:17,930
Cock.
520
00:22:25,139 --> 00:22:27,374
"Let's have a game of fuckaroo."
521
00:22:28,776 --> 00:22:31,645
- That works for either sex.
- Yeah, that's true.
522
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,215
- That's how we spend our Christmases.
- Okay then... fuckapoo.
523
00:22:34,249 --> 00:22:36,651
Oh God.
524
00:22:36,701 --> 00:22:41,251
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