Original subtitles

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Karl, as you're aware, you've obviously got many celebrity fans.

And you've also got a new fan, Warwick Davis,

who is the short actor that many people will see

in films like "Return of the Jedi."

He also is in "Harry Potter."

He's 3'6" and Ricky and I worked with him recently.

And far from asking us about the many celebrity names that we've worked with,

the only person he was interested in talking about,

of course... Mr. K. Pilkington.

- He wanted to meet you, Karl. - Yeah.

Well, is he... is he all right to get on with?

- Why wouldn't he be? - Um...

Just because sometimes when people act normal, it's just...

- Well, just... sorry? - No, I just mean when... when someone...

Like I've met a few little people in my time.

The one that I... I met a little fellow once and he was all right.

He got drunk really quick.

But he was all right, but it took me by surprise,

only because... like I've said about

when I met Steve for the first time.

It's only that same thing.

And then if I lived with the little fellow,

I'm sure we'd get on a storm.

What do you mean when you met Steve?

There's a TV show waiting to happen.

Things wear off.

That's like the world, isn't it?

And it's the same with the little fellow you're talking about.

First time I see him, I'd be a little bit like,

well, what do you say?

Whereas as once you get to know him,

I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella.

I don't know where to start, Steve.

But Warwick asks, really,

"What are your thoughts on short people,

particularly in entertainment?"

Because, of course, they've throughout the ages made an appearance,

particularly in fiction... Tom Thumb, of course,

the oompa-loompas.

- What do I think of them? - He's just wondering, I suppose, what your take is.

Um, they're all right.

I mean when I was on jury duty,

every day I would sort of see one pop in

and he'd be sort of struggling getting on the chair.

And he'd sort of... you know, he wasn't struggling in a way

that he felt uncomfortable.

He had obviously climbed a lot of chairs in his time,

and this was just another one.

And I... Watching him, it just makes you... makes you think.

You go, "You know, I should appreciate

that I don't have that problem every time

"I have to sit down and what have you."

But I don't... you know, I don't think it's that bad.

If I had to pick being really tall or really small,

I'd go for the really small one

because, you know, it's... the world's

a more interesting place for him, isn't it?

Everything's bigger. Do you know what I mean?

We go to New York and go, "Wow, look at this."

And they go and they go, "Oh dear."

Do you know what I mean? Everything's a lot bigger.

Everything's more amazing.

Food portions... Everything's a bonus.

So out of the two, I'd be small.

And maybe that's what I'd chat to Warwick about for a bit

just to get to know... get to know him.

- Brilliant. - It's a shame anyway

that he's not been able to pop in.

I'd like to hear that conversation.

But I've got... you know,

speaking of like weird stuff and that, I've got a new...

Well, we weren't, but go on.

No, got a new book.

Do you know how I had that freaks book,

"Top 50 Freaks?"

Got a new one sent to me.

- Really? - Yeah.

And do you know how like everything normally has a name?

So like if it's the two-headed fellow...

you know, they're all nicknames like that, aren't they?

They've got two nicknames, I imagine then.

But this new book I've got, right... on the cover of this one

it's got like a woman with three breasts, right?

And she's called the... the three-breasted woman, as you'd expect.

The one-faced...

Why is she posing nude, though? That's what I wanna know.

- Tart. - Well, she looks happy.

And there was a fella with, like, one...

One face but two bodies.

What do you mean one face but two bodies?

- One face, two bodies. - What do you mean one face, two bodies?

Surely he had one head, two bodies.

Head as well, but it was mainly the face that was weird

'cause he looked fed up.

- How can you have a face without a head? - What are you talking about?

How can you have... What do you mean?

How did it join to the neck?

No, it did... it did have a head,

but the fact is it was weird that it had one face to me.

What do you mean?

If you've got one head, you'd have one face.

Yeah, I know, but it was just...

It was the fact that he had one face

and two bodies that I didn't think...

but why do you keep saying "one face and two bodies"

as opposed to "one head and two bodies"?

We're all the man with one face.

Yeah, but now I've got one body.

Yeah well, surely he's the man with two bodies then.

Again, the description...

Roll up, roll up. See the man with one face.

I know, yeah.

So it's full of stuff like that, right.

And what I'm saying is, that fella, you know,

the one-faced man, the three-breasted woman...

He wouldn't be known as the one-faced man is what I'm saying.

- Well, they've all... - That isn't the peculiar thing about him.

- No, well, they all had names like that. - Right.

But there was one thing in it

that didn't even have a nickname.

It was so weird.

What do you mean?

It was just... it just said "unidentified."

What... what did it look like?

Um, sort of... sort of testicles for eyes.

That's... that's... it just reminded me when you...

What do you mean "testicles for eyes"?

And what does he... Did he have a normal body?

- I didn't even look at that. - Oh, for...

That's what I'm saying, though.

You're attracted to the oddness of the thing,

and that's what I was saying about Warren

- when he walks in. - Warwick.

You know, it... it'll be odd for a minute.

And then I'm sure...

- For him it will be. - But he'll get over it. He'll get used to you.

I've got my head around it a bit more

and the way that there's loads of people in the world,

and yet you don't see people with like dangly eyes more often.

It amazes me.

I love the fact that he's amazed by not seeing freaks.

- Yeah yeah yeah. - It's incredible.

He's walking down the street going,

"Everyone's got one head. That's weird."

"Suzanne, see any dangly eyes today?

No? Me neither."

"It's weird, isn't it? What's going on in the world?."

Went out the other night with the lads.

You know, it was a few of us, you know...

young, free and single.

- Must have looked like "Swingers." - Oh! It was pretty...

- It looked like a boy band had gone out. - Really?

It looked like, you know, nSync had hit the streets.

All right. Yeah, excellent.

A friend of mine said, "Let's go to a club."

I haven't been to a nightclub for a long time.

Is that because your glasses steam up

when you walk in out of the cold?

That is a problem in the winter.

I genuinely... it's not...

It's very difficult to make a good impression...

...When you... as you walk in

and your glasses steam up straightaway

and, you know, you've gotta take them off and clean them and stuff.

And then, you know, you get a bit...

on your y-fronts. You pull your y-fronts up through the jeans.

- Yeah. - Clean them on that.

Or the back of a girl's dress.

But we cruised down to the club.

It was one of those big sort of London super clubs.

And there was a bit of a queue. I think it's a bit of a chore.

But we're queuing up. We're in good spirits.

We were looking at it. It sounds pretty funky.

We can hear the music coming out.

Been in the queue for quite a while... 20, 25 minutes.

Forget it. 25 minutes?

Well yeah, we were pretty excited by this point.

The doorman says, "All right, lads?"

I said, "Yeah. Can we come in please?

- He went, "No, you're not." - Really?

He said, "You're not coming in."

And he just immediately lifted the little rope

and sent us away from the queue, right.

And we were slightly perplexed.

We were dumbfounded. We didn't know what to do.

It was like this didn't... Couldn't be happening.

It didn't make sense. We just queued... queued up. What was going on?

And so my friend said, "Well, we've gotta find out why he's not gonna let us in."

- So he goes back over... - Yeah, that's what you wanna do.

You wanted tie him up with logic.

- That'll show a bouncer. - Exactly.

Yeah, show him how educated you are

and how you can win an argument and make him look stupid.

You'll be in that club in no time.

That's what they appreciate.

They love that because what they respect

is being made to look like a fool.

Yeah, exactly.

So we went over and, uh...

They really look up to intellectuals.

Exactly, yeah.

So one of our mates goes over and he says,

"Why didn't you let us in?"

And he went, "Because you didn't have any girls with you."

Now I'll tell you this...

That's kicking you when you're down.

Because when you're out on a Saturday night

trying to get into a club to meet women

and the reason you're not allowed to go in

is because you haven't got any women with you,

that's just salt in the wound.

It's so humiliating.

So a friend of mine says,

"Look, there's a VIP entrance over there."

And there was, like, a woman with a clipboard...

you know, the guest list, separate entrance.

He said, "You know, you've got a little bit of profile, Steve.

Why don't we try and use your..."

You ran home, got your Golden Globe and your Emmy.

Yeah, exactly. Well, I always...

I always carry, you know, some of my cuttings with me.

- Yeah. - And... so...

and I felt a bit self-conscious about it.

I was thinking, "I'm not into this. It's a bit awkward."

But he said, "Look, don't worry. You just stand here.

Just stand here just like you're having a conversation.

I'll go over. I'll say... I'll point him out.

"'There's Steve Merchant over there, the lad on 'The Office.'"

- Oh God, Steve! - So I thought... well, you know,

the thing is we were out and I was a bit frustrated

and I thought, you know,

we may as well try everything.

So... so I stand there.

My friend goes over and he has a word

and he comes back and he says, "It's fine.

She can't let us in the VIP entrance because she's not allowed.

But what she can do is walk us to the front of the queue, right...

"Walk to the front of the queue and explain."

- So I was like, "Okay, fine." - Oh God.

So we walk past everyone else

to the front of the queue, right.

She goes up to the guy.

She says, "This is Steve Merchant, 'office.'"

the guy goes, "I know who he is. We're not letting him in."

Oh God! Oh God.

By now, of course, some people have recognized me,

so they're having... trying to have my photo taken.

So there's people inside the line

that's being allowed in the club.

I've gotta lean across the rope

to have my photo taken with them,

even though I'm not allowed in the club.

So they go, "All right, this is Steve."

They're having their photos taken... camera phones and that.

They're going into the club where the music... the party's kicking off.

I'm outside waiting for the next chump

who wants to have his photo taken.

I mean it was mental.

- So, um... - That's unbelievable.

I was furious. And then one guy...

I remember he was... he was trying...

and he goes, "Oh yeah, brilliant. I love the podcast.

I love Karl. Is Karl with you?"

I said, "Karl's not here."

And his girlfriend, she went, "Who's that?"

And he went, "Oh, this is Steve Merchant.

He does 'The Office.' He does the thing..."

and she went, "Who cares? Who are you, Bruce Forsyth?"

And it's that thing when suddenly

I'm being humiliated and embarrassed

by someone's girlfriend.

I never asked for that.

I never asked for her opinion on me.

I'm sorry if I don't impress you,

if I'm not sufficiently famous for you,

but it's not my fault.

It's your boyfriend who brought it up!

It was like I had gone over to her

and tried to show off and she was annoyed.

So by now, I was just furious.

- Oh God. - So I thought, "Forget this."

Well, I was walking down the street

and there's a group of builders

sitting down having a cup of tea.

One of them goes, "All right, Rick?" I went, "All right, mate."

The other one went, "Not as fat as on telly."

I went...

Oh thanks. "Not as fat as on telly."

So he went with, "Well, you are fat,

but you look even fatter on telly."

He didn't say, "Oh God, you don't look fat at all,"

or, "Oh you look... you look big on telly, but you don't look..."

just went with "Not as fat as on telly."

There was nothing I could say but, "Cheers, mate."

Now when you said, "Cheers, mate,"

did you say that because you were...

because I'd say, "Cheers, mate,"

because I'd be a bit scared of them.

No, it was more slight sarcasm into it, you know.

I laughed right after. I went, "You're..."

See, you can get away with sarcasm with working-class blokes.

I'm a bit more secure with the working-class man

- than you are, aren't I? - I'm terrified of them.

I feel like they're gonna turn on me at any minute.

You don't feel confident backing in a lorry driver?

- Terrified. - All right.

Because if I did, he'd probably lean out

- and just go, "Get your dad, mate." - Yeah, "Not you."

- "Fuck off. I'm not interested." - "Not you." Yeah.

Oh, he's only gone and written it down!

That jingle there

signifying, of course, once again another reading

from the diary of Karl Pilkington.

Now of course, for those of you who have not been

keeping abreast of Karl's medical complaints...

Just bring us up to speed, Karl.

You had to go into hospital because previously

- you'd had treatment. - I've been in and out...

Honestly I've been in and out of that hospital

just with kidney problems...

Really painful and what have you.

- And... - You had kidney stones, all right?

- It's sorted. - No no, but seriously.

"Had a bit of a lie-in today because I have to get up early"

for my operation tomorrow.

Not only have I got to have tubes shoved up my knob,

but I also have to get up at 5:50.

"Suzanne said I could have what I want for my last dinner."

It's not your last dinner. You're going in for an operation.

Yeah, but you can't take things for granted these days.

- Oh, for... - "I had shepherd's pie and peas.

Suzanne made it from scratch.

As nice as it was, it was annoying

because making stuff from scratch means loads of pots

and it's my job to do the washing up.

So much as the food was nice, there was loads of pans and that.

"People who get their last dinner on death row don't have to wash up."

"Got up at 5:55."

You were supposed to be getting up at 5:50 on the other page.

You were five minutes late getting up.

- He's often late. - Often late.

"Got to the hospital and had to wait in the waiting room."

There was another nine people in there waiting to be sorted.

I got called in.

They sat me on a bed and took all my details down.

Five minutes later I had been knocked out.

I got woke up when they were ripping a pipe out of my throat.

I felt more rough this time.

The doctor came to see me and said

he couldn't find a stone so I must have passed it.

I said, 'Are you sure?' He said, 'Yeah.

We filled your kidney with water and expanded it

and there was no hiding place.'

I sat in the recovery room for an hour while they found me a bed.

One of the fellows who was sat in the room

with me this morning got wheeled in.

They couldn't wake him up.

All the nurses were laughing 'cause he didn't wanna wake up.

I bet they were laughing at me when I was in the theater.

Someone told me they totally strip you when they're operating.

"I would have looked like the alien on the Boswell Incident."

Boswell? Boswell!

It's quite a nice analogy

if it weren't for the fact that you said "Boswell."

- It's... - It's the Roswell Incident.

"Didn't sleep much through the night"

because there was a 60-year-old fellow

shouting at the nurse about his pillows.

I don't think I slept through a full hour

with one thing or another going on.

"My bed was next to the toilet so I kept hearing the flush."

How do they sleep in hospitals, though?

They wake you up to give you

fucking sleeping pills and things, don't they?

How do you sleep in there?

I don't know what it is. There's no air.

There was an old fellow across from me who kept breaking wind.

He didn't even try and cover it.

He was just of that age where he didn't care.

Just like, "That's what I do.

I'm in the hospital. Leave me alone."

What do you mean?

Just... I don't know what was wrong with him.

He's... I talked to him because at first I felt sorry for him.

I was a little bit like, you know, he's... he's had no visitors.

No one's calling him up, so I'll talk to him.

But then he got that familiar with me

that he'd just be doing it whilst I'm chatting to him.

Just like he's my granddad or something.

It's just like that's what he does.

It's like, well, I'm ill as well. Stop doing that.

Honestly unbelievable.

He didn't even try and cover it with a cough.

- It was just like that's... - Cover it with a cough!

How would you cover it with a cough?

- Just nonstop. - "Got home and sat down.

My pains are coming back, but the doctor said this would happen,

that my insides are still in shock, so I need to take it easy.

It's 9:00. I'm in agony.

"I can't do the diary for the rest of the day."

- Jesus. - So you may as well just tell us then what happened.

Suzanne just got frustrated with me

because I was rolling about on the floor

and she was trying to watch "Arthur," right?

Because that was on the other night.

- I thought it was with your lodger. - So, um...

and she said, "Look, if you're in pain, do something."

- She said, "You know..." - You went and got a cold plate.

Yeah. "No, use an ashtray!

Plates are for liver damage."

Got in a taxi.

He filled up on the way, which was annoying.

- He didn't! - That is cheeky.

- That really... I mean he... - On the way to the hospital.

- So, uh... - Good thing he's not an ambulance driver.

So anyway he gets us there and he doesn't charge us,

- which was pretty decent... - That's all right, yeah.

So this gay fella came through.

How did you know he was gay?

Um, just the way he was. I'm not having a go.

He was a good fella. Do you know what I mean?

- A doctor you mean? - No, he was like a... he was a nurse.

- Right. - And he came through and just sort of went,

"Oh, how are you?"

And I was like, "Oh, I've had better days."

- So he... - As you mentioned in the diary,

"I remembered the first time when I came here,"

they said the nurse might put a tablet up my arse.

"I thought the chances of that happening had just increased."

Oh, Karl!

Yeah, but I would have let him do it, honestly.

I was that sort of out of it that...

Of course you'd let him do it. He's a qualified nurse.

No, but the way I am now... Say if it was just a tablet

for sorting out my blood pressure

and I walked in there and he went, "Oh, hello."

And he said, "Here, let's pop that."

I'd go, "Hang on a minute."

But what I mean is that night

I would have just let him put three up, honestly.

Oh God.

It's just weird, isn't it, how your body just goes,

"Let him get on with it," and you let... you trust anyone, don't you,

when you're in that much pain and you need...

and they're a qualified nurse, yes.

Karl, of course, has written a poem

about the experience entitled "my ward."

All I've done here... I've been through a, you know...

I don't know what the word is... a bad experience.

- Trauma. - A trauma, yeah.

- I've been through a load of trauma. - Mm.

So I'm just finishing it off

with a little sort of picture for people.

- Go on then. - "Me, a Chinese fella, and an old bloke

who looked like Mr. Burns from 'The Simpsons.'

don't know what was wrong with him,

but breaking wind was the symptoms.

No one visited him or called him.

He seemed quite lost to me.

As well as wind problems he had a colostomy.

When I left, I said 'See you' to the old man.

Turned out the other fellow wasn't Chinese.

"He was from Japan."

"I never found out what was up with him."

You've got a little picture there,

haven't you, of me sat in my ward?

I'm sat there with that fella who I didn't talk to,

the old fella who had wind problems.

And that's what a poem is, isn't it?

But the detail about you thought he was Chinese

and he turned out to be Japanese... How is that evocative?

That's just a piece of misinformation.

- It's just like... - I like it.

I imagine a lot of people make that same mistake.

I like it. Because you know why?

It's like he even makes digressions

within his poem.

- Yeah. - Do you know what I mean?

It's like he could have gone back and erased that,

but he didn't.

He left... he left that digression in,

and I think that's... that's great.

It's very honest. "Had a late night last night

because I stayed up to watch a program about monkeys."

- It's already good. It's already good. - Of course he did.

Now before I read on... I mean is this not some kind of monkey news?

Is this not a late return to monkey news?

Well, it's not... it's not that good.

Is it not? Whereas the other monkey news is?

Oh, chimpanzee that! Some more shit.

This is what he says. This is what he gleaned from the program about monkeys.

It sat on a bridge

"and wanted stuff off people to walk over the bridge."

So it was acting as some kind of toll booth.

This is ridiculous.

No, it was a bridge in... in like the jungle.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

And it's a monkey that sat on a bridge

and a lot of tourists go through the area...

- No, it's a monkey... - ...To look at...

...who realized that if he sits there,

it'll get stuff because it'll look like

it's a cute little chimp begging.

- No, but every time. - Yeah, because you give a monkey...

They give it... Oh, I'm bad as him now.

If you give a chimpanzee a banana

and he starts realizing that humans have things to give...

Yeah, but it's all... - Squirrels learn that, but you don't go...

You wouldn't say, "Oh, went to the park.

A squirrel's waiting at the gate.

"You have to give him a toll to go in."

If you give them nuts, they come up to you every time,

you fucking idiot.

"Went to bed after watching it and fell asleep"

thinking about it on the bridge right now.

It's a bit bad really, because the monkey

"should work harder for its food."

"It made me remember the slug I saw yesterday that was eating bird poo."

"Nobody would ever help a slug with food"

like they do with ducks and monkeys.

A slug's life is pretty bad.

"The only time they come out of their den is when it's raining."

"Den."

"So even their days out are depressing."

Do you know what I mean?

- No. - It is like...

It's a horrible thing to be, isn't it, a slug?

I love him talking about what is it like to be a slug.

No, just because like the monkey...

Even though it was being quite aggressive,

everyone was like, "Give it some water."

It was well, like, kitted out. It had like,

you know, chocolate bars, bottled water,

some like, you know, fizzy stuff and all that.

An iPod. It was listening to monkey news.

It could have had one if it wanted one.

It was getting away with murder on that bridge.

And that's just because it was furry.

Yet if that was like a blob, like a slug,

there's no way people would be that friendly towards it.

And it just annoys me how you get this pecking order

for like, no matter what creature you are, favoritism.

And that slug was only eating that bird poo

because it wasn't being offered stuff.

If it was offered toffees or whatever.

Well, it's just sad, isn't it?

That's what its life has come to.

Yeah, but it's not a mollusk

that's down on its fucking luck.

Yeah, it didn't live in a big country house

and its wife left and the kids went

and it started hitting the bottle.

I don't know what they do when they come out in the rain.

And it's depressing and it'll probably get killed in a bit.

And that was its last meal.

- I just... - Last meal!

People wouldn't care... - But it wouldn't prefer steak and chips, Karl.

- It doesn't have... - No, a leaf... it must like a leaf or a...

you know, at the end of the day, it's an insect.

- They love leaves. - It's not an insect.

Well, it's part of that gang.

It's part of that... No, it's part of...

- They hang out together. - It's not, it's not!

Why do you think it's part of that gang?

Because it knocks about in the woods

in the same place as a spider does.

But all I'm... what I'm saying is they're eating boring stuff

because that is what's in their area.

It's not boring stuff to them.

They have no opinion of it at all.

They take in sustenance.

No, but where you are is what you eat.

When I'm in London, I'll have beans on toast for lunch.

On holiday... "What, tapas?

- Go on, I'll have a bit." - Oh God.

So it's whatever... you eat what's in that area.

"Suzanne went off to work and I went to the shop to buy some envelopes."

The shop was empty, but the fellow behind the counter

was on the phone and just kept talking,

even though he could see I was waiting.

I started to count backwards from 20.

When I got to six, he hung up and served me.

"I won't use the shop again."

Question: Why count backwards from 20?

So he's thinking, "What's gonna happen at one?"

If I start counting from one, he's going, "Let him carry on."

- What, out loud? - Not really loud,

but like more of a mouth action

so he could see I was doing it.

- Do you know... - Sorry.

You... you just started miming

counting backwards to a man in a shop?

- He's on the phone. The shop is empty. - Yes yes.

I thought he'd like my custom.

He could have served me and stayed on the phone.

Even though I don't like that, at least he's still doing

what, you know, he needs to do...

I'd have said, "Can I just get these?"

Yeah well, I stood there

and I thought, "It's annoying me now."

My kidney's aching and I started to get a bit of a sweat on.

So I thought, "Right, I'm gonna give him 20 seconds.

And if he hasn't got off the phone, I'm leaving."

You are one of the strangest people...

It's just giving yourself a thing.

- I could have been stood there... - Free...

He's one of the strangest people who's free to walk...

- Yeah. - ...The streets.

No, I set myself a little target

and I thought, "I don't wanna waste

another 30 seconds in here. I'll give him 20."

It worked. He served me at six.

But it didn't work.

Yeah, but did he do it because you were doing that

or did he finish his phone call?

I don't know. I was busy counting.

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