All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s02e07 Night Club.eng

For the past few years
Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...

- Hello.
- ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Karl, as you're aware, you've
obviously got many celebrity fans.

And you've also got
a new fan, Warwick Davis,

who is the short actor
that many people will see

in films like
"Return of the Jedi."

He also is
in "Harry Potter."

He's 3'6" and Ricky and I
worked with him recently.

And far from asking us about the many
celebrity names that we've worked with,

the only person he was
interested in talking about,

of course...
Mr. K. Pilkington.

- He wanted to meet you, Karl.
- Yeah.

Well, is he... is he all
right to get on with?

- Why wouldn't he be?
- Um...

Just because sometimes when
people act normal, it's just...

- Well, just... sorry?
- No, I just mean when... when someone...

Like I've met a few
little people in my time.

The one that I... I met a little
fellow once and he was all right.

He got drunk really quick.

But he was all right,
but it took me by surprise,

only because...
like I've said about

when I met Steve
for the first time.

It's only that same thing.

And then if I lived
with the little fellow,

I'm sure we'd get on a storm.

What do you mean
when you met Steve?

There's a TV show waiting to happen.

Things wear off.

That's like the world,
isn't it?

And it's the same with the little
fellow you're talking about.

First time I see him,
I'd be a little bit like,

well, what do you say?

Whereas as once
you get to know him,

I'm sure he'd be
a lovely little fella.

I don't know
where to start, Steve.

But Warwick asks, really,

"What are your thoughts
on short people,

particularly
in entertainment?"

Because, of course, they've throughout
the ages made an appearance,

particularly in fiction...
Tom Thumb, of course,

the oompa-loompas.

- What do I think of them? - He's just
wondering, I suppose, what your take is.

Um, they're all right.

I mean when I was on jury duty,

every day I would
sort of see one pop in

and he'd be sort of struggling
getting on the chair.

And he'd sort of... you know,
he wasn't struggling in a way

that he felt uncomfortable.

He had obviously climbed
a lot of chairs in his time,

and this was just another one.

And I... Watching him, it just
makes you... makes you think.

You go, "You know,
I should appreciate

that I don't have
that problem every time

"I have to sit down
and what have you."

But I don't... you know,
I don't think it's that bad.

If I had to pick being
really tall or really small,

I'd go for the really small one

because, you know,
it's... the world's

a more interesting place
for him, isn't it?

Everything's bigger.
Do you know what I mean?

We go to New York and go,
"Wow, look at this."

And they go
and they go, "Oh dear."

Do you know what I mean?
Everything's a lot bigger.

Everything's more amazing.

Food portions...
Everything's a bonus.

So out of the two,
I'd be small.

And maybe that's what I'd chat
to Warwick about for a bit

just to get to know...
get to know him.

- Brilliant.
- It's a shame anyway

that he's not
been able to pop in.

I'd like to hear
that conversation.

But I've got...
you know,

speaking of like weird stuff
and that, I've got a new...

Well, we weren't, but go on.

No, got a new book.

Do you know how I had
that freaks book,

"Top 50 Freaks?"

Got a new one sent to me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And do you know how like
everything normally has a name?

So like if it's
the two-headed fellow...

you know, they're all nicknames
like that, aren't they?

They've got two nicknames,
I imagine then.

But this new book I've got,
right... on the cover of this one

it's got like a woman
with three breasts, right?

And she's called the... the
three-breasted woman, as you'd expect.

The one-faced...

Why is she posing nude, though?
That's what I wanna know.

- Tart.
- Well, she looks happy.

And there was a fella
with, like, one...

One face but two bodies.

What do you mean one face but two bodies?

- One face, two bodies.
- What do you mean one face, two bodies?

Surely he had one head,
two bodies.

Head as well, but it was
mainly the face that was weird

'cause he looked fed up.

- How can you have a face without a head?
- What are you talking about?

How can you have...
What do you mean?

How did it join to the neck?

No, it did...
it did have a head,

but the fact is it was weird
that it had one face to me.

What do you mean?

If you've got one head,
you'd have one face.

Yeah, I know,
but it was just...

It was the fact
that he had one face

and two bodies
that I didn't think...

but why do you keep saying
"one face and two bodies"

as opposed to "one head
and two bodies"?

We're all the man
with one face.

Yeah, but now
I've got one body.

Yeah well, surely he's the
man with two bodies then.

Again, the description...

Roll up, roll up.
See the man with one face.

I know, yeah.

So it's full of stuff
like that, right.

And what I'm saying is,
that fella, you know,

the one-faced man,
the three-breasted woman...

He wouldn't be known as the
one-faced man is what I'm saying.

- Well, they've all...
- That isn't the peculiar thing about him.

- No, well, they all had names like that.
- Right.

But there was one thing in it

that didn't even
have a nickname.

It was so weird.

What do you mean?

It was just... it
just said "unidentified."

What... what did
it look like?

Um, sort of... sort of
testicles for eyes.

That's... that's... it just
reminded me when you...

What do you mean
"testicles for eyes"?

And what does he...
Did he have a normal body?

- I didn't even look at that.
- Oh, for...

That's what I'm saying, though.

You're attracted to the
oddness of the thing,

and that's what I was
saying about Warren

- when he walks in.
- Warwick.

You know, it... it'll
be odd for a minute.

And then I'm sure...

- For him it will be. - But he'll get
over it. He'll get used to you.

I've got my head
around it a bit more

and the way that there's
loads of people in the world,

and yet you don't see people with
like dangly eyes more often.

It amazes me.

I love the fact that he's
amazed by not seeing freaks.

- Yeah yeah yeah.
- It's incredible.

He's walking
down the street going,

"Everyone's got one head.
That's weird."

"Suzanne, see any
dangly eyes today?

No? Me neither."

"It's weird, isn't it?
What's going on in the world?."

Went out the other night
with the lads.

You know, it was a few
of us, you know...

young, free and single.

- Must have looked like "Swingers."
- Oh! It was pretty...

- It looked like a boy band had gone out.
- Really?

It looked like, you know,
nSync had hit the streets.

All right. Yeah, excellent.

A friend of mine said,
"Let's go to a club."

I haven't been to a
nightclub for a long time.

Is that because
your glasses steam up

when you walk in
out of the cold?

That is a problem
in the winter.

I genuinely...
it's not...

It's very difficult
to make a good impression...

...When you... as you walk in

and your glasses
steam up straightaway

and, you know, you've gotta take
them off and clean them and stuff.

And then, you know,
you get a bit...

on your y-fronts. You pull your
y-fronts up through the jeans.

- Yeah.
- Clean them on that.

Or the back of a girl's dress.

But we cruised down
to the club.

It was one of those big
sort of London super clubs.

And there was a bit of a queue.
I think it's a bit of a chore.

But we're queuing up.
We're in good spirits.

We were looking at it.
It sounds pretty funky.

We can hear the music
coming out.

Been in the queue for quite
a while... 20, 25 minutes.

Forget it.
25 minutes?

Well yeah, we were pretty
excited by this point.

The doorman says,
"All right, lads?"

I said, "Yeah.
Can we come in please?

- He went, "No, you're not."
- Really?

He said,
"You're not coming in."

And he just immediately
lifted the little rope

and sent us away
from the queue, right.

And we were slightly perplexed.

We were dumbfounded.
We didn't know what to do.

It was like this didn't...
Couldn't be happening.

It didn't make sense. We just queued...
queued up. What was going on?

And so my friend said, "Well, we've gotta
find out why he's not gonna let us in."

- So he goes back over...
- Yeah, that's what you wanna do.

You wanted tie him up
with logic.

- That'll show a bouncer.
- Exactly.

Yeah, show him
how educated you are

and how you can win an argument
and make him look stupid.

You'll be in that club
in no time.

That's what they appreciate.

They love that
because what they respect

is being made
to look like a fool.

Yeah, exactly.

So we went over and, uh...

They really look up
to intellectuals.

Exactly, yeah.

So one of our mates
goes over and he says,

"Why didn't
you let us in?"

And he went, "Because you didn't
have any girls with you."

Now I'll tell you this...

That's kicking you
when you're down.

Because when you're out
on a Saturday night

trying to get into a club
to meet women

and the reason you're not
allowed to go in

is because you haven't got
any women with you,

that's just salt in the wound.

It's so humiliating.

So a friend of mine says,

"Look, there's a VIP
entrance over there."

And there was, like,
a woman with a clipboard...

you know, the guest list,
separate entrance.

He said, "You know, you've got a
little bit of profile, Steve.

Why don't we try
and use your..."

You ran home, got your
Golden Globe and your Emmy.

Yeah, exactly.
Well, I always...

I always carry, you know,
some of my cuttings with me.

- Yeah.
- And... so...

and I felt a bit
self-conscious about it.

I was thinking, "I'm not into this.
It's a bit awkward."

But he said, "Look, don't worry.
You just stand here.

Just stand here just like
you're having a conversation.

I'll go over. I'll say...
I'll point him out.

"'There's Steve Merchant over
there, the lad on 'The Office.'"

- Oh God, Steve!
- So I thought... well, you know,

the thing is we were out
and I was a bit frustrated

and I thought, you know,

we may as well try everything.

So... so I stand there.

My friend goes over
and he has a word

and he comes back
and he says, "It's fine.

She can't let us in the VIP
entrance because she's not allowed.

But what she can do is walk us to
the front of the queue, right...

"Walk to the front
of the queue and explain."

- So I was like, "Okay, fine."
- Oh God.

So we walk past everyone else

to the front
of the queue, right.

She goes up to the guy.

She says, "This is
Steve Merchant, 'office.'"

the guy goes, "I know who he is.
We're not letting him in."

Oh God! Oh God.

By now, of course, some
people have recognized me,

so they're having... trying
to have my photo taken.

So there's people
inside the line

that's being allowed
in the club.

I've gotta lean across the rope

to have my photo
taken with them,

even though I'm not
allowed in the club.

So they go, "All right,
this is Steve."

They're having their photos
taken... camera phones and that.

They're going into the club where the
music... the party's kicking off.

I'm outside waiting
for the next chump

who wants to have
his photo taken.

I mean it was mental.

- So, um...
- That's unbelievable.

I was furious.
And then one guy...

I remember he was...
he was trying...

and he goes, "Oh yeah, brilliant.
I love the podcast.

I love Karl.
Is Karl with you?"

I said,
"Karl's not here."

And his girlfriend,
she went, "Who's that?"

And he went,
"Oh, this is Steve Merchant.

He does 'The Office.'
He does the thing..."

and she went, "Who cares?
Who are you, Bruce Forsyth?"

And it's that thing
when suddenly

I'm being humiliated
and embarrassed

by someone's girlfriend.

I never asked for that.

I never asked
for her opinion on me.

I'm sorry
if I don't impress you,

if I'm not sufficiently
famous for you,

but it's not my fault.

It's your boyfriend
who brought it up!

It was like I had
gone over to her

and tried to show off
and she was annoyed.

So by now, I was just furious.

- Oh God.
- So I thought, "Forget this."

Well, I was walking
down the street

and there's a group of builders

sitting down
having a cup of tea.

One of them goes, "All right, Rick?"
I went, "All right, mate."

The other one went,
"Not as fat as on telly."

I went...

Oh thanks.
"Not as fat as on telly."

So he went with,
"Well, you are fat,

but you look even fatter
on telly."

He didn't say, "Oh God,
you don't look fat at all,"

or, "Oh you look... you look big
on telly, but you don't look..."

just went with
"Not as fat as on telly."

There was nothing I could
say but, "Cheers, mate."

Now when you said,
"Cheers, mate,"

did you say that
because you were...

because I'd say,
"Cheers, mate,"

because I'd be
a bit scared of them.

No, it was more slight
sarcasm into it, you know.

I laughed right after.
I went, "You're..."

See, you can get away with sarcasm
with working-class blokes.

I'm a bit more secure
with the working-class man

- than you are, aren't I?
- I'm terrified of them.

I feel like they're gonna
turn on me at any minute.

You don't feel confident
backing in a lorry driver?

- Terrified.
- All right.

Because if I did,
he'd probably lean out

- and just go, "Get your dad, mate."
- Yeah, "Not you."

- "Fuck off. I'm not interested."
- "Not you." Yeah.

Oh, he's only gone
and written it down!

That jingle there

signifying, of course,
once again another reading

from the diary
of Karl Pilkington.

Now of course, for those
of you who have not been

keeping abreast of Karl's
medical complaints...

Just bring us
up to speed, Karl.

You had to go into hospital
because previously

- you'd had treatment.
- I've been in and out...

Honestly I've been
in and out of that hospital

just with kidney problems...

Really painful
and what have you.

- And...
- You had kidney stones, all right?

- It's sorted.
- No no, but seriously.

"Had a bit of a lie-in today
because I have to get up early"

for my operation tomorrow.

Not only have I got to have
tubes shoved up my knob,

but I also have
to get up at 5:50.

"Suzanne said I could have what
I want for my last dinner."

It's not your last dinner.
You're going in for an operation.

Yeah, but you can't take
things for granted these days.

- Oh, for...
- "I had shepherd's pie and peas.

Suzanne made it from scratch.

As nice as it was,
it was annoying

because making stuff from
scratch means loads of pots

and it's my job
to do the washing up.

So much as the food was nice,
there was loads of pans and that.

"People who get their last dinner on
death row don't have to wash up."

"Got up at 5:55."

You were supposed to be getting
up at 5:50 on the other page.

You were five minutes late
getting up.

- He's often late.
- Often late.

"Got to the hospital and had
to wait in the waiting room."

There was another nine people
in there waiting to be sorted.

I got called in.

They sat me on a bed
and took all my details down.

Five minutes later
I had been knocked out.

I got woke up when they were
ripping a pipe out of my throat.

I felt more rough this time.

The doctor came
to see me and said

he couldn't find a stone
so I must have passed it.

I said, 'Are you sure?'
He said, 'Yeah.

We filled your kidney
with water and expanded it

and there was
no hiding place.'

I sat in the recovery room for an
hour while they found me a bed.

One of the fellows
who was sat in the room

with me this morning
got wheeled in.

They couldn't wake him up.

All the nurses were laughing
'cause he didn't wanna wake up.

I bet they were laughing at
me when I was in the theater.

Someone told me they totally strip
you when they're operating.

"I would have looked like the
alien on the Boswell Incident."

Boswell? Boswell!

It's quite a nice analogy

if it weren't for the fact
that you said "Boswell."

- It's...
- It's the Roswell Incident.

"Didn't sleep much
through the night"

because there was
a 60-year-old fellow

shouting at the nurse
about his pillows.

I don't think I slept
through a full hour

with one thing
or another going on.

"My bed was next to the toilet
so I kept hearing the flush."

How do they sleep in hospitals, though?

They wake you up to give you

fucking sleeping pills
and things, don't they?

How do you sleep in there?

I don't know what it is.
There's no air.

There was an old fellow across
from me who kept breaking wind.

He didn't even try and cover it.

He was just
of that age where he didn't care.

Just like, "That's what I do.

I'm in the hospital.
Leave me alone."

What do you mean?

Just... I don't know
what was wrong with him.

He's... I talked to him because
at first I felt sorry for him.

I was a little bit like, you know,
he's... he's had no visitors.

No one's calling him up,
so I'll talk to him.

But then he got
that familiar with me

that he'd just be doing it whilst
I'm chatting to him.

Just like he's my
granddad or something.

It's just like
that's what he does.

It's like, well, I'm ill as well.
Stop doing that.

Honestly unbelievable.

He didn't even try
and cover it with a cough.

- It was just like that's...
- Cover it with a cough!

How would you cover it
with a cough?

- Just nonstop.
- "Got home and sat down.

My pains are coming back, but the
doctor said this would happen,

that my insides are still in shock,
so I need to take it easy.

It's 9:00.
I'm in agony.

"I can't do the diary
for the rest of the day."

- Jesus. - So you may as well just tell us
then what happened.

Suzanne just got
frustrated with me

because I was rolling
about on the floor

and she was trying
to watch "Arthur," right?

Because that was on
the other night.

- I thought it was with your lodger.
- So, um...

and she said, "Look, if you're
in pain, do something."

- She said, "You know..."
- You went and got a cold plate.

Yeah.
"No, use an ashtray!

Plates are for liver damage."

Got in a taxi.

He filled up on the way,
which was annoying.

- He didn't!
- That is cheeky.

- That really... I mean he...
- On the way to the hospital.

- So, uh...
- Good thing he's not an ambulance driver.

So anyway he gets us there
and he doesn't charge us,

- which was pretty decent...
- That's all right, yeah.

So this gay fella came through.

How did you know he was gay?

Um, just the way he was.
I'm not having a go.

He was a good fella.
Do you know what I mean?

- A doctor you mean?
- No, he was like a... he was a nurse.

- Right. - And he came through
and just sort of went,

"Oh, how are you?"

And I was like, "Oh,
I've had better days."

- So he...
- As you mentioned in the diary,

"I remembered the first time
when I came here,"

they said the nurse might
put a tablet up my arse.

"I thought the chances of that
happening had just increased."

Oh, Karl!

Yeah, but I would have
let him do it, honestly.

I was that sort of
out of it that...

Of course you'd let him do it.
He's a qualified nurse.

No, but the way I am now...
Say if it was just a tablet

for sorting out
my blood pressure

and I walked in there
and he went, "Oh, hello."

And he said, "Here,
let's pop that."

I'd go, "Hang on a minute."

But what I mean is that night

I would have just let him
put three up, honestly.

Oh God.

It's just weird, isn't it,
how your body just goes,

"Let him get on with it," and you
let... you trust anyone, don't you,

when you're in that much
pain and you need...

and they're
a qualified nurse, yes.

Karl, of course,
has written a poem

about the experience
entitled "my ward."

All I've done here... I've
been through a, you know...

I don't know what the word
is... a bad experience.

- Trauma.
- A trauma, yeah.

- I've been through a load of trauma.
- Mm.

So I'm just finishing it off

with a little sort of
picture for people.

- Go on then.
- "Me, a Chinese fella, and an old bloke

who looked like Mr. Burns
from 'The Simpsons.'

don't know what was
wrong with him,

but breaking wind
was the symptoms.

No one visited him
or called him.

He seemed quite lost to me.

As well as wind problems
he had a colostomy.

When I left, I said
'See you' to the old man.

Turned out the other fellow
wasn't Chinese.

"He was from Japan."

"I never found out
what was up with him."

You've got
a little picture there,

haven't you,
of me sat in my ward?

I'm sat there with that
fella who I didn't talk to,

the old fella
who had wind problems.

And that's what
a poem is, isn't it?

But the detail about
you thought he was Chinese

and he turned out to be
Japanese... How is that evocative?

That's just a piece
of misinformation.

- It's just like...
- I like it.

I imagine a lot of people
make that same mistake.

I like it.
Because you know why?

It's like he even
makes digressions

within his poem.

- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?

It's like he could have
gone back and erased that,

but he didn't.

He left... he left
that digression in,

and I think that's...
that's great.

It's very honest.
"Had a late night last night

because I stayed up to watch
a program about monkeys."

- It's already good. It's already good.
- Of course he did.

Now before I read on... I mean is
this not some kind of monkey news?

Is this not a late return
to monkey news?

Well, it's not...
it's not that good.

Is it not?
Whereas the other monkey news is?

Oh, chimpanzee that!
Some more shit.

This is what he says. This is what he
gleaned from the program about monkeys.

It sat on a bridge

"and wanted stuff off people
to walk over the bridge."

So it was acting
as some kind of toll booth.

This is ridiculous.

No, it was a bridge in...
in like the jungle.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

And it's a monkey
that sat on a bridge

and a lot of tourists
go through the area...

- No, it's a monkey...
- ...To look at...

...who realized that
if he sits there,

it'll get stuff
because it'll look like

it's a cute little chimp
begging.

- No, but every time.
- Yeah, because you give a monkey...

They give it...
Oh, I'm bad as him now.

If you give a chimpanzee
a banana

and he starts realizing that
humans have things to give...

Yeah, but it's all... - Squirrels
learn that, but you don't go...

You wouldn't say,
"Oh, went to the park.

A squirrel's waiting
at the gate.

"You have to give him
a toll to go in."

If you give them nuts, they
come up to you every time,

you fucking idiot.

"Went to bed after watching
it and fell asleep"

thinking about it
on the bridge right now.

It's a bit bad really,
because the monkey

"should work harder for its food."

"It made me remember the slug I saw
yesterday that was eating bird poo."

"Nobody would ever help
a slug with food"

like they do with ducks
and monkeys.

A slug's life is pretty bad.

"The only time they come out of
their den is when it's raining."

"Den."

"So even their days out
are depressing."

Do you know what I mean?

- No.
- It is like...

It's a horrible thing to be,
isn't it, a slug?

I love him talking about
what is it like to be a slug.

No, just because
like the monkey...

Even though it was being
quite aggressive,

everyone was like,
"Give it some water."

It was well, like, kitted out.
It had like,

you know, chocolate
bars, bottled water,

some like, you know,
fizzy stuff and all that.

An iPod.
It was listening to monkey news.

It could have had one
if it wanted one.

It was getting away with
murder on that bridge.

And that's just because
it was furry.

Yet if that was like
a blob, like a slug,

there's no way people would
be that friendly towards it.

And it just annoys me how
you get this pecking order

for like, no matter what
creature you are, favoritism.

And that slug was only
eating that bird poo

because it wasn't
being offered stuff.

If it was offered
toffees or whatever.

Well, it's just sad, isn't it?

That's what its life
has come to.

Yeah, but it's not a mollusk

that's down
on its fucking luck.

Yeah, it didn't live
in a big country house

and its wife left
and the kids went

and it started
hitting the bottle.

I don't know what they do when
they come out in the rain.

And it's depressing and it'll
probably get killed in a bit.

And that was its last meal.

- I just...
- Last meal!

People wouldn't care... - But it
wouldn't prefer steak and chips, Karl.

- It doesn't have...
- No, a leaf... it must like a leaf or a...

you know, at the end of
the day, it's an insect.

- They love leaves.
- It's not an insect.

Well, it's part of that gang.

It's part of that...
No, it's part of...

- They hang out together.
- It's not, it's not!

Why do you think
it's part of that gang?

Because it knocks about
in the woods

in the same place
as a spider does.

But all I'm... what I'm saying
is they're eating boring stuff

because that is
what's in their area.

It's not boring stuff to them.

They have no opinion
of it at all.

They take in sustenance.

No, but where you are
is what you eat.

When I'm in London, I'll have
beans on toast for lunch.

On holiday...
"What, tapas?

- Go on, I'll have a bit."
- Oh God.

So it's whatever... you
eat what's in that area.

"Suzanne went off to work and I went
to the shop to buy some envelopes."

The shop was empty, but the
fellow behind the counter

was on the phone
and just kept talking,

even though he could see
I was waiting.

I started to count
backwards from 20.

When I got to six,
he hung up and served me.

"I won't use
the shop again."

Question: Why count
backwards from 20?

So he's thinking, "What's
gonna happen at one?"

If I start counting from one,
he's going, "Let him carry on."

- What, out loud?
- Not really loud,

but like more of a mouth action

so he could see I was doing it.

- Do you know...
- Sorry.

You... you just
started miming

counting backwards
to a man in a shop?

- He's on the phone. The shop is empty.
- Yes yes.

I thought he'd like my custom.

He could have served me
and stayed on the phone.

Even though I don't like that,
at least he's still doing

what, you know,
he needs to do...

I'd have said,
"Can I just get these?"

Yeah well, I stood there

and I thought,
"It's annoying me now."

My kidney's aching and I started
to get a bit of a sweat on.

So I thought, "Right, I'm
gonna give him 20 seconds.

And if he hasn't got off
the phone, I'm leaving."

You are one
of the strangest people...

It's just giving
yourself a thing.

- I could have been stood there...
- Free...

He's one of the strangest
people who's free to walk...

- Yeah.
- ...The streets.

No, I set myself
a little target

and I thought,
"I don't wanna waste

another 30 seconds in here.
I'll give him 20."

It worked.
He served me at six.

But it didn't work.

Yeah, but did he do it
because you were doing that

or did he finish
his phone call?

I don't know.
I was busy counting.

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