All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s02e04 Onion.eng

For the past few years
Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington

Have been meeting
regularly

For a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

Hello and welcome
to "The Ricky Gervais show"

With me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...

- Hello.
- ...And the little round-headed buffoon

That is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Okay, then listen, right.
I'm gonna--

I've found some things that
I think will interest you,

And I want your first
thoughts on these, okay?

Now these are facts
that I've sourced, okay?

What's the actual topic?

Well, you love animals,
don't you?

- You're interested
in animal facts. - Some of them.

I don't love 'em.
Some of them fascinate me and stuff.

But a lot of them
also get on my nerves.

I don't know how an animal
can get on your nerves.

- They just do.
- Okay then, here you go.

There's a frog, Karl,
just a little frog,

A poison arrow frog,
that contains enough poison

To kill over 1,000
human beings.

Why is it that annoyed?

It's not annoyed.

Why's it going about
killing 1,000 people?

No, it has the potential to.
It has enough poison,

It has enough toxin in it

That could kill
1,000 human beings.

But does it need that?

Whereabouts is this?
Where's it living?

The rainforest, I think.

And does it need
that sort of power?

Is it in that much--
is it getting threatened a lot is what I mean?

Well, no 'cause it's saying,
"don't come near me."

And it shows it
with its colors.

It's got the colors that say
it doesn't want to be eaten.

It doesn't want people
to chew a bit, right?

And go,
"oh, I'm an idiot."

It's saying,
"look at my colors. Don't eat me.

Don't-- you don't want
to come near me."

Karl:
Then why give it bright colors?

'cause now
it's standing out.

Ricky:
Yeah, and it's going, "don't eat me."

Yeah, but make it
a color that fits in like camouflage.

Why make it orange?

Course it's gonna stand out.
Then they'll attack it.

Then it'll turn around
and bite 4,000 men or whatever.

No, it doesn't bite.
It's the fact that if you were to eat it

You would die.

Yeah, but who's
gonna eat it?

Well, things
that eat frogs.

The french.

And they go,
"sacre bleu,

You have killed me
and 999 of my friends."

But why--
why is everything,

Like, surviving
like this though?

I thought it was all about
survival of the fittest.

Not the one who
looks the hardest.

Well, but survival
of the fittest

Is whether you're chosen
or not by nature.

No, but I'd survive
if I could go about killing 1,000 men at one bite.

- It's not fair.
- Ricky: It doesn't bite.

Whatever.
If it licks you or whatever.

No, not if it licks you.
If you lick it.

Well, I'm not gonna lick it.
It's not gonna happen.

I will not
be licking a frog.

So it's of
no danger to me.

So I could still kill it
and there's no chance--

At no point am I gonna
lick a little frog's head,

Not when it's alive
or when it's dead.

I love the fact
it's all about you.

It's all about
how it relates to you.

And he's annoyed that
they're getting away with something.

He doesn't like
any sly animals.

He doesn't like animals
hiding, then he wants them to hide.

He doesn't want animals
killing things, then he wants them to kill things.

He doesn't know
what he wants.

When they say survival of
the fittest they don't mean

That say lions have
been working out in a gym.

- Do you understand?
- It means the fittest gene pool.

And the fittest gene pool
is a gene pool

That's still around.
That's all it is.

You think that everything,
slugs, cats,

Are all somehow--
their ambition is to be like us.

Or to have the kind
of attributes like us

That they can speak,
they can talk, they can think, they can act.

I only think that
because when you see people with these pets--

Lizards, cats, whatever--
they treat them like they're humans.

So I think if you do that
enough times,

They're gonna start getting
familiar with certain--

Again, "planet of the apes."
he's thinking of "planet of the apes."

Say like you with your cat,
the way you talk to it.

You give it a little
cheeky massage and that when it's stressed out.

- It's a cat.
- No, you made that up that it was stressed out.

I'm just playing
with my cat, right?

If anything, the cat
is to destress me.

So you're talking
to your cat, rick?

Is it answering back?
How are the conversations going with your cat?

I have more intelligent
conversations with my cat than I do with him.

Here's one, right?
When my gram died, right,

She had this
rubbish dog, right?

And that's all we got left.
It's called fluffy.

And, like, my gram
looked after it

In a way that it was
treated like a human.

Do you know what I mean?
Had a little coat on when it went out and all that.

Anyway, so she died.
We get left it.

My dad's like,
"oh bloody hell," right?

Before you know it,
it was a wreck because we--

We weren't sort of bathing
it the way she bathed it.

We let it out if it
wanted to go out.

It got covered in oil.
It used to go under the car and everything.

It went from looking
like this fluffy, you know, poodle

To just being
a bit of a wreck.

It got hit by a car.
It run sideways like a crab and all that.

�n the course of
how long? A month?

Probably about two--
two months or something.

Now-- so it went from
being overtreated

To just being treated
like a dog.

Yeah, but a dog
isn't, you know,

Is not an indigenous
species anywhere.

We sort of bred those
from, you know, jackals and wolves.

Change it.
Take away the dog thing.

- I mean that lizard
thing you've got. - Salamander.

It's still sort of treated
as part of the family.

It's not.
How is it treated as part of the family?

Just the way
it's looked after.

That big area that
it's got to itself.

We stick it in a case
and feed it a cricket now and again.

- How is that like
one of the family? - It doesn't matter.

It is in Karl's family.

It's in your flat, isn't it?
And it's sat in that corner.

- I just mean
as time goes on... - Yeah?

...Things get educated
as they get older.

- How old's that lizard?
- You don't.

- How old is it?
- About 15 years old.

Right, now it knows more now
than it did when you got it

Because it's been
in those surroundings. It's had its eye on things.

15, so presumably it listens
to a lot of linkin park,

Goes on
the internet a lot.

No, but do you
know what I mean?

You've already
proved your point.

It's like that fellow
who kept hitting the dog on the head with the stick.

Right, pavlov.
At no point did he hit a dog on the head with a stick.

But he kept doing it
and eventually the dog went, "I'm sick of this,"

- And wandered off,
didn't he? Brilliant.

Do you know what?
Let's do a program where you rewrite,

You paraphrase
someone's theory.

So pavlov's first.
We could do freud.

Give us-- what do you know
about sigmund freud?

The father of psychoanalysis.
Right, come on then.

I don't know
anything on him.

Here's an interesting fact.
If the frog annoyed you, this might annoy you.

A blind chameleon
will still change color

To match its surroundings.

You're aware that
the chameleon can--

- Yeah, whatever
it sits on. - Yeah.

But then what happens
when you put one of them on a mirror?

No, does it get
stressed out?

What's it copying?

Well, it probably doesn't
need to copy anything

'cause it looks at itself
and it goes, "is that what you look like? It's brilliant.

God that was fast.
That's the fastest I've ever done that. That is brilliant."

So they can go any color?
There's nothing--

You can put them on anything
and they'll go to the thing?

I don't want you
to have a chameleon

Because you'd just be
trying to see what it could and couldn't do.

- Trying to catch out.
- I know, yeah.

Pop it on some tartan.

Again, say like
the frog thing, right?

Pop it on the telly.
Couldn't do it fast enough.

Why does the chameleon
need that skill

Of copying a color?

Because at the
end of the day,

That's mainly sticking
in the woods, isn't it?

- By trees, by grass.
- Ricky: Right.

Why can't it
just stay green?

That's all it needs.
Those color changes

Are only for camouflage,
aren't they?

I don't know.
Some of them are for attraction.

Some of them
to show moods, anger.

No, I just think we're
encouraging them.

You see, maybe this is
evolution or whatever.

But at the end of the day,
'cause they can change color,

They're wandering out
of their area.

They can be wandering about,
you know, through a car park

And everything
just because they'll go,

"well, I don't want
to get seen," change to the color of concrete.

Or into the color
of a fiat punto.

But they should
just stay green.

Staz green, stay in the woods
and stay safe.

I love this public
information for chameleons.

- Words of advice
for chameleons. - Oh, god.

Stay green, stay in the woods,
stay safe. Good night.

Oh god.
Um, right.

The only time a turkey
whistles is when it panics.

- Christmas time then?
- Yeah.

What do you
think of that, Karl?

It goes from one extreme
to another, don't it?

You got a frog
who's going mental...

- It's not going mental.
- ...Killing thousands of people.

- No.
- That's got that sort of power.

Then you got a turkey
who's whistling for help.

You think that you
should redress the balance a little bit.

You want to give--
what would you do?

Give the frog the ability to
kill 500 and the turkey 500?

I don't think it should
be killing-- I reckon 10.

- 10 because...
- You've made your point with 10, haven't you?

Do you think that he's got
1,000 in his lifetime?

Like he's got
1,000 to kill?

- I don't think you understand.
- I just think--

He doesn't really kill
1,000 people.

It doesn't mean
someone goes,

"frog, you have the power
to kill 1,000 people in your lifetime."

"choose them wisely."

But I just think if it
needs that sort of power--

- Power?
- It should be fighting evil?

It's knocking about
the wrong area, isn't it?

If it's under
that much danger, move.

I was thinking
the other day about,

You know, your body
and everything.

'cause it is amazing,
isn't it, how it works?

- Oh yeah yeah.
- Does the brain...

Control you or are you
controlling the brain?

I don't know if
I'm in charge of mine.

- nor do I, Karl.
- There's a surprise.

- Nor do I, Karl.
- Do you know what I mean though by that?

Does the brain control you
or do you control the brain?

Don't you ever sort
of think sometimes-- say if you're making--

- But you are the brain.
- No no, but I was making a shopping list,

Going, "right, I need
some rice, kidney beans."

And I thought
I had everything

And I sort of was
rolling up the paper.

Then something went,
"oh, an onion."

- Your brain did that.
- Something went, "an onion." was it suzanne?

My brain sort of went,
"you forgot something."

- Yeah?
- I didn't think I'd forgot.

No, you are your brain.

No no, but don't you
understand the brain--

My brain--
I was in control of my brain

When I was writing down
"rice and kidney beans."

But you're not in charge
of the onion?

That's another part of the brain
that's in charge of the onion.

No, but I had
put the paper away,

Put my coat on,
ready to go.

Yes, but your onion
lobe kicked in.

So you put the paper
in your pocket, you got the coat on.

Then you just suddenly
hear from nowhere, onion?

Yeah, I'm not even thinking
about that shopping list.

It's in my pocket.
I'm thinking, "do I need my gloves? It's cold out."

Suddenly, onion.

It was like, "oh yeah, onion."
I had to get the paper out.

So what I'm saying is
who's in charge?

The brain.
The brain, the mind.

The brain is the--
what do you mean, "who's in charge?"

You forgot the onion
and then you remembered the onion.

You must have forgotten
things in the past.

No, but not like that.

Not where it
just made me think,

"that was weird.
Who reminded me of that?"

You did.

- Yeah, but I'm not--
- no, you are your brain.

It's not like there's you
then there's a brain.

Then there's an extra one
looking down--

The metabrain,
the thing above it.

No, but your brain--

How does your brain work?
You give it information, don't you?

- Well, it takes--
- what do you mean, you give it information?

If I sat in a room
with nothing,

Not feeding it anything,
it wouldn't know anything.

No, but there's two youse.
There's this thing--

There's Karl
and Karl's brain.

Yeah, there's not
a duality in this.

If you go, "come on.
Come on now, think."

That's the brain
saying that to itself.

It's not-- there's not
two people in there

Having an argument
going, "come on, brain."

And the brain's going,
"oh, don't you start. I was thinking then."

And the other thing's
going, "brain, onion."

And the brain goes,
"Karl, onion."

You are your brain.
If you are anything,

You are-- you are your mind,
your brain,

Your collection of memories,
your personality.

You're not what
you look like.

That answer
your question, Karl?

What did you think about then?
You were thinking of a tortoise

On a skateboard then
when I said that last sentence, weren't you?

You know, whilst you've
been working and that,

I've been traveling
about a bit.

Went to, um,
dorset, right?

A nice beach there.

And you know those huts
you get-- like a hut on the beach and you--

- Oh, where you get changed?
- But they're better than that.

It's like you can
put a telly in it.

A sofa if you want.

Oh, you don't mean
the victorian changing huts.

Yeah, those sort of things.
It's sort of bigger than that.

- Yeah.
- We're walking down there

And there was a really
sort of big fat family

In one of them.
There was about four of them.

And you could tell that
they'd never had a game of anything.

Do you know what I mean?
Just sitting down there eating ice cream,

Looking at the sea
and what have you.

And the weird thing is,
the little fat kid,

The youngest one
who must have been, I don't know, about eight,

He was really fat
to the point of you couldn't see his neck.

- Yeah.
- And he sat at the front of his mom and dad

And his elder sister.
He sat there and he had a frisbee.

And I thought, "look,
they don't wanna play with him and that."

- I mean, that's an active game
to play, isn't it, frisbee? - Yeah.

As we got closer,
he was just using it to eat maltesers out of.

Again, you know, the one
active thing he's got, he's using it to eat out of.

Yeah.
Extraordinary.

And that just sums up
what people are like now

When it comes to keeping
fit and activities.

Oh, that's fantastic.

One thing I've noticed,
'cause I occasionally go to the gym,

And you know those guys
who work out constantly

To give themselves
extraordinary physiques?

Just that, you know,
they're on the weights

And they're really--
you know, I notice in the summer particularly,

- Those guys cannot wait
to get their shirts off. - Yeah.

Everywhere you see,
they're walking around,

If they've got a good torso,
they are walking shirts off.

Even, I think, if you go
to nightclubs--

I notice there's always
one guy who's thinking,

"well, I have put so much
work into this body,

I have got to get my shirt
off on the dance floor." it comes straight off.

A brand new tattoo.
I'm not covering that up.

- Exactly.
- I've paid a lot for it, let's see it.

But that's what we were
saying about bodies.

I can't remember why we
were talking about it.

We've got to a point
in science now that you can change a head.

No, that doesn't make
any sense at all.

It was a program.
It was done in the '50s or '60s

Where they stuck
a monkey's brain on a stick

And had it wired up
and it still worked.

- Right, okay.
- And that was in the '60s.

Right, okay.
To say to change a head makes no sense at all.

Because if you put
a different head

Íon a different body,
you're changing the body.

Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm about to say to you, though.

- What?
- That's what I'm saying.

That I'd be
more confident

If I had
someone else's body

Because if anyone
dissed it I can go,

"I know.
It's bad, isn't it? But it's not mine."

- What are you talking about?
- It's like, say--

As opposed to
someone else's head?

Yeah, but it wasn't me.
The head is me.

Well, of course it is.
That's what I mean. So what do you mean?

You'd be happier having
someone else's body? What, than your own?

What I mean is,
say if, um...

You're wandering about.

For some reason
there's an incident.

You have to take your
top off and everyone's looking at you.

You're a bit sort of--
you know, you haven't got the muscles.

You haven't got
the six-pack.

- Right.
- Which isn't that nice anyway.

I don't know why that's
become a nice thing really, seeing the insides of you.

- It's not.
- You might as well--

I mean I know I came up
with the see-through skin idea.

But it's
a bit weird, isn't it? You can see stuff.

- No no,t's the muscle
in front of the-- - No, it's not.

- Sometimes you can see tubes.
- No, you can't see tubes.

- You can see tubes and veins.
- Well, you can see veins.

Yeah well, I don't want
to see that. That's why we got skin over it.

Stop looking
at naked men then.

Sometimes you can't help it
'cause it's been hot

And like you said,
there's people walking about with vests on and that.

So anyway,
what I'm saying is,

Say if something
suddenly happened.

- I'm walking about
with my top off. - Right.

Girls are laughing
at me, right?

- Why?
- Don't know. They might.

yeah, go on.

So they wouldn't
look at your body. They'd all look at your head.

- So what I mean is...
- Yeah?

...Rewind that and imagine
all that happens again

- But I've got
someone else's body. - Right.

- Whose body?
- Just some fella who's died.

Lpmy body was injured
and they said, "we've got a new body in.

- You can have it.
We'll stick your head on it." - Yes.

They're laughing at you.

They're laughing
at the body.

But at least I'd be able
to sort of go,

"I know it's a mess,
but it's not mine."

At least I don't have
to claim ownership.

So all of this
extraordinary technology

That can make a head--
put one head on another person's body

Is so you can go,
"it's not my body."

- No no, that's not your own.
- I'm not being funny.

So if you have a body
transplant, right, and you're there,

You're at home naked,
you look down--

Lovely penis
and a set of testicles.

- Yeah.
- Right?

What do you do with 'em?

What do you mean,
what am I doing with 'em?

Well, do you like them?

Well, you wouldn't
mess about with them

As much as if they
were your own.

But if you did
mess about with 'em,

Would you feel guilty
that you were messing about

With another man's
testicles and penis?

- And it's the full body?
- Yeah.

No, 'cause they're
not my hands either.

You're a genius.
You're a fucking genius.

So what you're doing is
watching someone else wank.

Yeah.

Oh, chimpanzee that.

He's gone and written it
down again.

That's the ever-changing

Jingle for Karl's diary,

Excerpts of which we like
to read each week.

"Walked through
covent garden.

There were five of them
mimes knocking about.

I don't understand why people
take pictures of mimes.

Everyone looks like a mime
in a picture."

That's too true.
That's really true.

If his point
is they're staying still,

If that's their skill,
a picture won't tell that story.

That's-- that's
absolutely true.

"my dad took the cat
to be put down today

'cause it kept
bumping into things since losing its sight.

My mom said she's not
gonna get another one.

She said the parrot
is looking worried as it's seen

The budgie and the cat go
in the space of three months."

You mom said the parrot's
looking worried?

What's the-- what happened
to the cat then?

It gets into
a lot of fights.

It lost one eye.

Then it got into another
fight and lost another.

- Oh no.
- Then it was just walking around mping into stuff.

I mean the vet saw it,
said, "oh, we can do stuff to keep it alive and all that."

But it's a bit out
of order, isn't it, 'cause it costs a fortune.

- They shouldn't tell you.
- But...

Mom and dad can't afford
to have eyes put on it and stuff.

No, you can't have eyes
put on a cat anyway.

But they said,
"oh, we can do something here."

- What?
- "we can have its eyes sorted out."

But what...

I don't think you should
be allowed cats.

- Why?
- Not the Pilkington family.

- Why not?
- They keep dying.

I know, but they have
good lives whilst they're still knocking about.

It's just that we
get through 'em.

It's a good job
you're not gonna have kids.

Oh god almighty.
I can't believe it.

"a mate sent me a story on email
about a bloke in china

Who has this weird illness

That means he can't have
his picture taken."

That's not the weird bit.

"If he tries, his body
doesn't appear in the photo."

- Don't talk shit.
- "He has had group pictures taken

And everyone appeared
apart from him."

Don't talk shit.
That's bollocks.

"The story had a picture
next to it of a family photo

And it said
he was stood at the back, but you couldn't see him."

Right, he wasn't
in the picture.

- He was in the picture.
- No, he wasn't in the picture.

They've done loads of
tests and stuff on him.

They haven't done
loads of tests.

This is bollocks.
There's no way

This is scientifically
possible.

What's his--
yeah, now he's wanted.

Just a white bit of paper
up on the police wall.

"Have you seen this man?"
"What man?"

"If you see him, tell us."
"you're talking shit."

"Suzanne watched the film
'you've got mail' tonight

For about the 14th time.

I don't think you could
properly fancy someone

Without seeing them
unless you're blind."

"I think it's odd when
blind people have affairs."

Why is that odd?

Just because most stuff
is based on looks, isn't it?

So you think once
they've found someone, they're happy with them,

- Stick with them.
- But no, that's not truth.

What do you mean most things
are based on looks?

What I mean is,
when you first meet someone and that--

Well, initially
it's only looks 'cause you don't know them.

- That's what I'm saying.
- But that's a ridiculous thing to say, isn't it?

Well no,
it's just what I think.

I'm not saying that that's
like fact or anything.

I'm just thinking if you're
blind, why mess about?

You're still basing on it
if it's only looks

- That people find-- what?
- Yeah, I'm just saying,

So why is a blind person
messing about having an affair?

Because I'm saying
that presumably

That blind person isn't
basing anything on looks.

I just-- all right.

I mean it may be that's not--
I mean more like--

Do you want me to cross it out?
Shall I cross it out 'cause it's bollocks?

It's just the same way--
I think I put how, you know,

People, uh-- I read something
in the Sunday paper once

With some bloke who was
going out with some woman.

He ended up going out with
her sister who was a twin.

If you're gonna
have a change, have a change.

"spoke to Ricky
about trips to the moon.

He was up for going
just to see what the world looks like.

I came up with the idea of
a giant mirror on the moon

That would reflect
the world back.

He had a few questions,
but I had the answers."

- Yeah.
- "he changed the subject. I won."

Right. My first question
was how would you get it up there?

He said, "bit by bit."

That would be
a good mirror then, wouldn't it?

I said,
"how big would it be?"

He went, "you'd still need
a telescope."

I said, "how would you
get it on the right side of the moon

Always facing the right?"
he went, "what?"

He went,
"does the moon move then?" I went, "yes."

And if we don't like
the mirror on the moon,

We can always
wallpaper over it.

"it's suzanne's birthday
tomorrow so I've got to get her something.

I sometimes think
it would be best if we didn't celebrate birthdays.

I think people would live
a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were.

Age puts restrictions
on things.

She said something about
wanting one of them posh badges to put on her coat.

I will look for one later."

I love the fact that
around the time

That you've gotta buy suzanne
her birthday present,

You think that birthday
presents are a bad idea.

"Got up early. It's suzanne's birthday.
Gave her the card and present.

She was well happy
with her posh badge.

She wore it to work."
it was quite nice.

Quite nice to hear a moment
where she was actually happy for once in your company.

"They always say when you
get someone a present,

You should buy them something
they wouldn't buy themselves.

Daft rule.
I want something I would buy myself if I had the money.

When I was young,
my auntie nora got me a present

I wouldn't buy myself.
It was a t-shirt with her face on it."

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